Not What God Wanted

Many marriages feed on strife, quarreling, ill will, suspicion, jealousy, and fault-finding

Our marriage manual teaches different behavior

I Cheerfulness / Comradery

Dt.24:5 Women had few rights Husband could not treat her

as a slave or a mere possession

She was a person with feelings and needs that he had to meet

Ru.1:8-9

Naomi knew what to look for in a marriage

“Rest” = more than end of toil and trouble 3:1, security, blessing of the

Lord

Pro.17:1

Strife should not be the normal atmosphere in marriage. Cf. 21:9

1 Sm.25:3, Nabal…harsh…evil 2, riches could not make up for his

wretched attitude 25, Abigail knew what he was

Many girls marry men like their fathers. This is why mothers cry at weddings

Ec.9:9

Marriage is God’s gift that helps us to enjoy life

Happily ever after

Jer.16:9

God’s judgment would remove greatest pleasures in life

Ezk.24:16,18

“The desire of your eyes” Not newlyweds

21, grief without limits

II Communication

Ja.1:19-20, proper communication Talking is easy Not always easy to say right

thing in right way Col.4:5-6

Many families shipwreck because husband and wife have not learned how to communicate

Ephesians 5-6

Husband-wife, parent-child, employer-employee – proper order

Tragedy results when men reverse these priorities Some husbands put job ahead

of wife and family

Ep.4:17-24

Put away OLD MAN (19-22) Put on NEW MAN (24) Meaning: we learn Christ (20)

Even worldly people rejoice at weddings

Later, misery invades How to go so quickly from mountain

of joy to valley of sorrow/regret? Their approach to solving

problems: a battle to be won; even the winner loses

1. Negative problem description

They begin with criticism / blame, fueled by anger Mk.3:1-5

2. Cross-complaining. Creates another problem; now fighting over the complaint and the original prob-lem – a two front war Confirm the complaint. Jg.8:1-3

3. Interrupting

Never solved anything. Ac.22:22 Listen and summarize

4. Denying responsibility and/or making excuses If it’s always the other person’s

fault, search your heart Accept responsibility

5. Exaggeration

“You never / you always…” causes anger; your mate can remember exceptions

Try to be accurate

6. Negative mind-reading Attributes false motives to a

mate Attribute positive motives

7. Negative non-verbal communi-cation

Gestures, tone, volume, and expression

Communicate positive non-verbal signals (smile; gentle)

8. Negative retaliation “Same to you…” Instead, offer positive response.

“Let me think about it…”

Ep.4:25 Stresses need for communication

in sound relationships Analysis of 100 ‘successful’ mar-

riages & 200 ‘problem’ marriages People with happy marriages

argue about the same things as people with unhappy marriages

The difference: how they handle disagreements

Ep.4:26-27

Learn not to harbor ill feelings Anger is mishandled in two ways:

blowing up –or– clamming up Either is sin. The child of God

cannot lose his temper when things do not go his way, or hold grudges “Never go to bed mad…when you

can stay up and fight!”

Watch Your Words Some say things they later regret

Love easily turns into hate, trust

into suspicion, tenderness into cold indifference

Husband points at wife, wife at husband, and both hit their target This never solved a problem

Get The Point!

Point at the problem

How? First point at self This will produce agreement “Never remove the lid from

another’s trash can until you have cleaned out your own can first”

Ephesians 4:29, speech

Includes whatever tears down or cuts up another Build up. Attack the problem,

not the person Col.3:19

Bitterness is opposite of love Some are polite in public . . .

Ephesians 4:31-32

31, do not look for flaws and mistakes. Look for strengths Marriages fail when two people

are madly in love with self

III Consideration

Ep.5:25 Few masters could say, “practice

my teaching, imitate my life” Jn.17:9, unique affection

Gn.29:…18, 20

Ep.5:28

So (ESV: “In the same way”): following this example (25-27) Jew could divorce his wife for a

trivial cause or for no cause Pagan husband was even worse

for (28b): self-evident Nourish, (= 6:4). Provide for Cherish, (= 1 Th.2:7). Care

for; show affection, tender love

Ep.5:29