Nonviolent Communication -...

Nonviolent Communication Building and Maintaining Effective Tutoring Relationships

National CRLA conference – Fall 2013

Valerie Barbaro Learning Center Coordinator Rasmussen College, Eagan campus

The background of NVC and its basic tenets The skills of NVC (observations, feelings, needs, and requests) How tutors can apply NVC skills to effect positive change in their tutoring relationships as well as in other relationships in their lives

In today’s session, we will cover...

Copyright Rasmussen, Inc. 2011. Proprietary and Confidential.

Info covered today is from Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (Dr. Marshall Rosenberg) Website: www.cnvc.org

Let’s get started!

November 13, 2013 Copyright Rasmussen, Inc. 2011. Proprietary and Confidential. 4

Figure 1. Nonviolent Communication book cover. Retrieved from amazon.com.

http://www.cnvc.org/

Figure 2. Marshall uses puppets to demonstrate giraffe vs. jackal language. Retrieved from www.mortontolboll.blogspot.com.

A bit of background


• Based on theories of Dr. Rosenberg, PhD (Clinical Psychology) but based on centuries-old practices

• Began with Detroit race riots: What gets into people?

• Taught in 60+ countries across disciplines

The basics


• Communication—good and bad—stems from a desire to fill needs.

• Humans have a natural inclination toward empathy.

• Communicating needs without judgment, blame, or domination allows for empathetic giving to happen naturally.

The basics


• Violent communication is when we communicate not based on needs, but rather on interpretations, making demands rather than requests to fill our needs.

• Violent communication also includes when we give into demands.

NVC skills: Observation


The goal with NVC observation is to differentiate from evaluation and to be

able to identify behaviors and conditions that are affecting us (or others).

Question: When might tutors tutors

be tempted to judge students?

Figure 3. Listen. Retrieved from www.realestateraudiousa.com.

NVC skills: Feelings


With NVC, it’s important to separate feeling from thinking so that you

can identify and express internal states in a way that does not suggest judgment, blame, criticism, or punishment.

Figure 4. Nelson “Ha ha.” Retrieved from www.necyklopedie.org.

NVC skills: Needs


With NVC, we want to identify universal needs (being met or not met) to understand what is happening and how we or another person feels. Figure 5. Fundamental human needs circle.

Retrieved from www.peakoilblues.org.

NVC skills: Requests


To make a request using NVC, state in a way that clearly and specifically states what you want (rather than what you don’t), ensuring it’s a true request, not a demand.

Figure 6. Kitten cuddle demands. Retrieved from www.icanhascheezburger.com.

NVC skills: All together now!


Focusing on observations, feelings, needs, and requests (rather than diagnosing and judging) allows us to develop respect and empathy.

Practicing NVC: Observation


Observation without evaluation

Exercise:

Explain a frustrating experience.

Practicing NVC: Observation


Interpretations we attach to the

observations are ultimately the cause of our feelings, not the actions themselves.

Application to tutoring: Observation


How might we use the NVC skill of

observation in a tutoring situation? Example: A student is four weeks behind in

his courses and is looking to the tutor to help him get caught up and pass the course.

Needs

• Very basics of human requirements

• Needs are not strategies


Needs = physical well-being, connection, autonomy, honesty, peace, meaning, and play

Figure 7. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Retrieved from www.npaworldwide.com.

Application to tutoring: Needs


How might we use the NVC skill of

communicating based on needs in a tutoring situation?

Example: A student who the tutor has shown how to

submit to the dropbox twice is asking again to be shown a third time.

Feelings • Feelings are not

interpretations: “I feel overworked.” • Feelings are not caused

by others: “You make me feel unappreciated when you show up late for tutoring sessions.”

• It’s equally “violent” to say “You make me happy.”


Feelings

• Afraid • Angry • Annoyed • Aversion • Confusion • Disconnected • Disquiet

• Embarrassed • Fatigue • Pain • Sad • Tense • Vulnerable • Yearning

• Affectionate • Engaged • Hopeful • Confident • Excited • Grateful

• Inspired • Joyful • Exhilarated • Peaceful • Refreshed


Feelings when needs aren’t satisfied

Feelings when needs are satisfied

Application to tutoring: Feelings


How might we use the NVC skill of communicating based on

feelings in a tutoring situation? Example: A student the tutor is working with is very stressed

because she’s confused about her Business Ethics assignment and wants the tutor’s help. The tutor remembers the assignment and as an example explain what he wrote about when he took the class. She says, “Good idea!” and copies verbatim what the tutor told her.

Practicing NVC: Feelings and needs

Tell about a different experience (positive or negative) using this template:

“When I _____, I feel _____ because I (do not) meet my need for _____.”


“When I ___, I feel ___ because I do (not) meet my need for __.”


Needs not met: Afraid Angry Aversion Confusion Disconnected Disquiet Embarrassed Fatigue Pain Sad Tense Vulnerable Yearning

Needs met: Affectionate Engaged Hopeful Confident Excited Graceful Inspired Joyful Exhilarated Peaceful Refreshed

well-being Air, food/water, movement/ exercise, rest/sleep, sexual expression, safety, shelter, touch Connection Acceptance, affection, belonging, community, companionship, empathy, intimacy, love, nurturing, respect, support Autonomy Choice, freedom, independence, space Honesty Authenticity, integrity Peace Beauty, ease, equality, harmony Meaning Challenge, consciousness, contribution, discovery, effectiveness, growth, hope, learning, mourning, purpose, self-expression, stimulation Play Joy, humor

Framing needs as requests

When we frame needs as demands, we shut off/reduce the recipient’s empathy. We may “get what we want,” but the other person’s desire to give is reduced, and resentment can grow.


Figure 7. “Thompson gets results” cartoon. Retrieved from www.mikelynchcartoons.blogspot.com.

Application to tutoring: Requests


How might we use the NVC skill of making requests in a

tutoring situation? Example: A student comes to a tutoring session

without preparing—he has not read the chapter or even the assignment expectations.

NVC in the workplace: Coworkers


Scenario: You (a tutor) work in the Learning Center with another tutor, Jane, who likes to talk to you periodically throughout the day. You like to use your downtime to complete homework and find Jane distracting and annoying. So far you’ve been putting up with it because you don’t want to be “that person.” You’re starting to think of Jane as an oblivious motor-mouth.



Start by locating your feelings and needs (rather than interpretations): I feel frustrated when I am not able to focus on my work because my need for peace is not being met. This will hopefully help you from getting upset with Jane.



Now try to locate the other person’s feelings and needs: Jane must feel animated and have a desire either to connect (either with me in particular or just with someone) or to express herself.



Having done this much, you’re hopefully in the right frame of mind to talk to Jane. Communicate to Jane what your needs are and what you believe her feelings/needs might be, and confirm: “I don’t mean to interrupt your story—you seem really excited about what you did this weekend, and it sounds like you’d like to share it with me, yes? I’d like to work on this assignment right now, and to be able to focus, I need a quiet environment. I’d like to hear your story when I can focus on it, though. Maybe you could you tell me over the lunch break?”



Don’t want to have lunch with Jane?

•Understandable, especially if resentment has built. •Staying away from interpretations will help, as will locating your feelings and needs and what Jane’s might be.

•Try to think of filling other people’s needs as a receiving special gift: Jane has a need for connection, and she’s looking to me to fill it.

Figure 9. A gift for you. Retrieved from www.smallbiztrends.com.

NVC in the workplace: Supervisors


Scenario: You work really hard, doing all kinds of tasks above and beyond, but your boss never seems to thank you or even really notice. You’re starting to think you’re undervalued and unappreciated—maybe you should look for work elsewhere.



Avoid those interpretations and try to recast based around your feelings/needs and your boss’s feelings/needs:

•When I do tasks beyond my normal duties, I am looking to fill a need for challenge and meaning. When that’s not met, I get really frustrated. •When my boss does not recognize all the extra things I do, (s)he may be feeling frazzled/stressed and have a need for peace. It’s entirely possible my boss does not understand I have an unmet need for challenge/meaning. •Try to arrange a time to communicate your need to your boss.



“I have been taking on extra projects [it may be helpful to list them] as a way to challenge myself and give me a greater sense of purpose in the company. “You seem to be a bit stressed lately and perhaps may have not noticed this extra work I have been completing. Would it be accurate to say that you have been stressed and in need of some balance?” Reframing this way should hopefully help you understand your own needs and your boss’s.



“Perhaps there is something I could take off your plate that would both give me a challenge and give you more balance?”

Figure 10. Charlie Brown teeter-totter cartoon. Retrieved from countrycookin-n-crafts.com.

Troubleshooting

http://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&frm=1&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&docid=LYaZhwkbGPCk6M&tbnid=APalLJ8nTv51AM:&ved=0CAUQjRw&url=http://countrycookin-n-crafts.com/rkstamps/Peanuts7.htm&ei=t0hxUv64K6nkyQG2qoG4Dg&psig=AFQjCNGIRscO1PJXkUHsLr57FOAco5KVaQ&ust=1383242270906255



You may also find that your need for challenge/meaning does not need to be met through work—perhaps there is something missing in your personal life that could be added to rather than trying to add to your work life.

Wrong strategy?

Figure 11. Wrong Way. Retrieved from nrfocus.org.

http://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&frm=1&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&docid=U-18E60L6MRrMM&tbnid=McxX5YP1Yg-G0M:&ved=0CAUQjRw&url=http://nrfocus.org/latest_news/wrong-way-crashes-usually-involve-alcohol/&ei=w0xxUvGsC7OEygG6jIGoAw&bvm=bv.55617003,d.aWc&psig=AFQjCNF-m4gNd4YNK1AbEupQMlGauYDM3A&ust=1383242641788243

NVC in the workplace: Tutees


Now it’s your turn! Give an example of a difficult tutoring situation your tutors have encountered, and let’s put NVC to work.

Figure 12. “I knew I wanted to avoid you” cartoon. Retrieved from www.someecards.com.

NVC with non-NVCers


Try listening and recasting statements around what needs you think they might be looking to get met, confirming if you’re right.

Figure 13. Miscommunication between spouses. Retrieved from www.weknowmemes.com.

NVC caveats • For tutoring, your tutors will mostly focus on

students’ feelings and needs. • NVC outside of the Learning Center:

– You may need to tend to your own needs first. – You may have the wrong strategy to fill your needs. – Using NVC does not mean you will always get what

you want.


Wrap-up time


What have you learned?

How can your tutors use NVC in tutoring? How can you use NVC with your tutors?

In your personal life?

Questions?


Valerie Barbaro Learning Center Coordinator Rasmussen College, Eagan campus [email protected]

References Rosenberg, M. (2003). Nonviolent

communication: A language of life. Encinitas, CA: PuddleDancer Press.

Website: www.cnvc.org


Figure 1. Nonviolent Communication book cover. Retrieved from amazon.com.

http://www.cnvc.org/

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