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Nonviolent Communication Building and Maintaining Effective Tutoring Relationships National CRLA conference – Fall 2013

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  • Nonviolent Communication Building and Maintaining Effective Tutoring Relationships

    National CRLA conference Fall 2013

  • Valerie Barbaro Learning Center Coordinator Rasmussen College, Eagan campus

  • The background of NVC and its basic tenets The skills of NVC (observations, feelings, needs, and requests) How tutors can apply NVC skills to effect positive change in their tutoring relationships as well as in other relationships in their lives

    In todays session, we will cover...

    Copyright Rasmussen, Inc. 2011. Proprietary and Confidential.

  • Info covered today is from Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (Dr. Marshall Rosenberg) Website: www.cnvc.org

    Lets get started!

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    Figure 1. Nonviolent Communication book cover. Retrieved from amazon.com.

    http://www.cnvc.org/

  • Figure 2. Marshall uses puppets to demonstrate giraffe vs. jackal language. Retrieved from www.mortontolboll.blogspot.com.

    A bit of background

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    Based on theories of Dr. Rosenberg, PhD (Clinical Psychology) but based on centuries-old practices

    Began with Detroit race riots: What gets into people?

    Taught in 60+ countries across disciplines

  • The basics

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    Communicationgood and badstems from a desire to fill needs.

    Humans have a natural inclination toward empathy.

    Communicating needs without judgment, blame, or domination allows for empathetic giving to happen naturally.

  • The basics

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    Violent communication is when we communicate not based on needs, but rather on interpretations, making demands rather than requests to fill our needs.

    Violent communication also includes when we give into demands.

  • NVC skills: Observation

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    The goal with NVC observation is to differentiate from evaluation and to be

    able to identify behaviors and conditions that are affecting us (or others).

    Question: When might tutors tutors

    be tempted to judge students?

    Figure 3. Listen. Retrieved from www.realestateraudiousa.com.

  • NVC skills: Feelings

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    With NVC, its important to separate feeling from thinking so that you

    can identify and express internal states in a way that does not suggest judgment, blame, criticism, or punishment.

    Figure 4. Nelson Ha ha. Retrieved from www.necyklopedie.org.

  • NVC skills: Needs

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    With NVC, we want to identify universal needs (being met or not met) to understand what is happening and how we or another person feels. Figure 5. Fundamental human needs circle. Retrieved from www.peakoilblues.org.

  • NVC skills: Requests

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    To make a request using NVC, state in a way that clearly and specifically states what you want (rather than what you dont), ensuring its a true request, not a demand.

    Figure 6. Kitten cuddle demands. Retrieved from www.icanhascheezburger.com.

  • NVC skills: All together now!

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    Focusing on observations, feelings, needs, and requests (rather than diagnosing and judging) allows us to develop respect and empathy.

  • Practicing NVC: Observation

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    Observation without evaluation

    Exercise:

    Explain a frustrating experience.

  • Practicing NVC: Observation

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    Interpretations we attach to the

    observations are ultimately the cause of our feelings, not the actions themselves.

  • Application to tutoring: Observation

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    How might we use the NVC skill of

    observation in a tutoring situation? Example: A student is four weeks behind in

    his courses and is looking to the tutor to help him get caught up and pass the course.

  • Needs

    Very basics of human requirements

    Needs are not strategies

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    Needs = physical well-being, connection, autonomy, honesty, peace, meaning, and play

    Figure 7. Maslows Hierarchy of Needs. Retrieved from www.npaworldwide.com.

  • Application to tutoring: Needs

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    How might we use the NVC skill of

    communicating based on needs in a tutoring situation?

    Example: A student who the tutor has shown how to

    submit to the dropbox twice is asking again to be shown a third time.

  • Feelings Feelings are not

    interpretations: I feel overworked. Feelings are not caused

    by others: You make me feel unappreciated when you show up late for tutoring sessions.

    Its equally violent to say You make me happy.

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  • Feelings

    Afraid Angry Annoyed Aversion Confusion Disconnected Disquiet

    Embarrassed Fatigue Pain Sad Tense Vulnerable Yearning

    Affectionate Engaged Hopeful Confident Excited Grateful

    Inspired Joyful Exhilarated Peaceful Refreshed

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    Feelings when needs arent satisfied

    Feelings when needs are satisfied

  • Application to tutoring: Feelings

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    How might we use the NVC skill of communicating based on

    feelings in a tutoring situation? Example: A student the tutor is working with is very stressed

    because shes confused about her Business Ethics assignment and wants the tutors help. The tutor remembers the assignment and as an example explain what he wrote about when he took the class. She says, Good idea! and copies verbatim what the tutor told her.

  • Practicing NVC: Feelings and needs

    Tell about a different experience (positive or negative) using this template:

    When I _____, I feel _____ because I (do not) meet my need for _____.

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  • When I ___, I feel ___ because I do (not) meet my need for __.

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    Needs not met: Afraid Angry Aversion Confusion Disconnected Disquiet Embarrassed Fatigue Pain Sad Tense Vulnerable Yearning

    Needs met: Affectionate Engaged Hopeful Confident Excited Graceful Inspired Joyful Exhilarated Peaceful Refreshed

    well-being Air, food/water, movement/ exercise, rest/sleep, sexual expression, safety, shelter, touch Connection Acceptance, affection, belonging, community, companionship, empathy, intimacy, love, nurturing, respect, support Autonomy Choice, freedom, independence, space Honesty Authenticity, integrity Peace Beauty, ease, equality, harmony Meaning Challenge, consciousness, contribution, discovery, effectiveness, growth, hope, learning, mourning, purpose, self-expression, stimulation Play Joy, humor

  • Framing needs as requests

    When we frame needs as demands, we shut off/reduce the recipients empathy. We may get what we want, but the other persons desire to give is reduced, and resentment can grow.

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    Figure 7. Thompson gets results cartoon. Retrieved from www.mikelynchcartoons.blogspot.com.

  • Application to tutoring: Requests

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    How might we use the NVC skill of making requests in a

    tutoring situation? Example: A student comes to a tutoring session

    without preparinghe has not read the chapter or even the assignment expectations.

  • NVC in the workplace: Coworkers

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    Scenario: You (a tutor) work in the Learning Center with another tutor, Jane, who likes to talk to you periodically throughout the day. You like to use your downtime to complete homework and find Jane distracting and annoying. So far youve been putting up with it because you dont want to be that person. Youre starting to think of Jane as an oblivious motor-mouth.

  • NVC in the workplace: Coworkers

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    Start by locating your feelings and needs (rather than interpretations): I feel frustrated when I am not able to focus on my work because my need for peace is not being met. This will hopefully help you from getting upset with Jane.

  • NVC in the workplace: Coworkers

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    Now try to locate the other persons feelings and needs: Jane must feel animated and have a desire either to connect (either with me in particular or just with someone) or to express herself.

  • NVC in the workplace: Coworkers

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    Having done this much, youre hopefully in the right frame of mind to talk to Jane. Communicate to Jane what your needs are and what you believe her feelings/needs might be, and confirm: I dont mean to interrupt your storyyou seem really excited about what you did this weekend, and it sounds like youd like to share it with me, yes? Id like to work on this assignment right now, and to be able to focus, I need a quiet environment. Id like to hear your story when I can focus on it, though. Maybe you could you tell me over the lunch break?

  • NVC in the workplace: Coworkers

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    Dont want to have lunch with Jane?

    Understandable, especially if resentment has built. Staying away from interpretations will help, as will locating your feelings and needs and what Janes might be.

    Try to think of filling other peoples needs as a receiving special gift: Jane has a need for connection, and shes looking to me to fill it.

    Figure 9. A gift for you. Retrieved from www.smallbiztrends.com.

  • NVC in the workplace: Supervisors

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    Scenario: You work really hard, doing all kinds of tasks above and beyond, but your boss never seems to thank you or even really notice. Youre starting to think youre undervalued and unappreciatedmaybe you should look for work elsewhere.

  • NVC in the workplace: Supervisors

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    Avoid those interpretations and try to recast based around your feelings/needs and your bosss feelings/needs:

    When I do tasks beyond my normal duties, I am looking to fill a need for challenge and meaning. When thats not met, I get really frustrated. When my boss does not recognize all the extra things I do, (s)he may be feeling frazzled/stressed and have a need for peace. Its entirely possible my boss does not understand I have an unmet need for challenge/meaning. Try to arrange a time to communicate your need to your boss.

  • NVC in the workplace: Supervisors

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    I have been taking on extra projects [it may be helpful to list them] as a way to challenge myself and give me a greater sense of purpose in the company. You seem to be a bit stressed lately and perhaps may have not noticed this extra work I have been completing. Would it be accurate to say that you have been stressed and in need of some balance? Reframing this way should hopefully help you understand your own needs and your bosss.

  • NVC in the workplace: Supervisors

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    Perhaps there is something I could take off your plate that would both give me a challenge and give you more balance?

    Figure 10. Charlie Brown teeter-totter cartoon. Retrieved from countrycookin-n-crafts.com.

    Troubleshooting

    http://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&frm=1&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&docid=LYaZhwkbGPCk6M&tbnid=APalLJ8nTv51AM:&ved=0CAUQjRw&url=http://countrycookin-n-crafts.com/rkstamps/Peanuts7.htm&ei=t0hxUv64K6nkyQG2qoG4Dg&psig=AFQjCNGIRscO1PJXkUHsLr57FOAco5KVaQ&ust=1383242270906255

  • NVC in the workplace: Supervisors

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    You may also find that your need for challenge/meaning does not need to be met through workperhaps there is something missing in your personal life that could be added to rather than trying to add to your work life.

    Wrong strategy?

    Figure 11. Wrong Way. Retrieved from nrfocus.org.

    http://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&frm=1&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&docid=U-18E60L6MRrMM&tbnid=McxX5YP1Yg-G0M:&ved=0CAUQjRw&url=http://nrfocus.org/latest_news/wrong-way-crashes-usually-involve-alcohol/&ei=w0xxUvGsC7OEygG6jIGoAw&bvm=bv.55617003,d.aWc&psig=AFQjCNF-m4gNd4YNK1AbEupQMlGauYDM3A&ust=1383242641788243

  • NVC in the workplace: Tutees

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    Now its your turn! Give an example of a difficult tutoring situation your tutors have encountered, and lets put NVC to work.

    Figure 12. I knew I wanted to avoid you cartoon. Retrieved from www.someecards.com.

  • NVC with non-NVCers

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    Try listening and recasting statements around what needs you think they might be looking to get met, confirming if youre right.

    Figure 13. Miscommunication between spouses. Retrieved from www.weknowmemes.com.

  • NVC caveats For tutoring, your tutors will mostly focus on

    students feelings and needs. NVC outside of the Learning Center:

    You may need to tend to your own needs first. You may have the wrong strategy to fill your needs. Using NVC does not mean you will always get what

    you want.

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  • Wrap-up time

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    What have you learned?

    How can your tutors use NVC in tutoring? How can you use NVC with your tutors?

    In your personal life?

  • Questions?

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    Valerie Barbaro Learning Center Coordinator Rasmussen College, Eagan campus [email protected]

  • References Rosenberg, M. (2003). Nonviolent

    communication: A language of life. Encinitas, CA: PuddleDancer Press.

    Website: www.cnvc.org

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    Figure 1. Nonviolent Communication book cover. Retrieved from amazon.com.

    http://www.cnvc.org/

    Nonviolent Communication Valerie BarbaroLearning Center CoordinatorRasmussen College, Eagan campusThe background of NVC and its basic tenetsThe skills of NVC (observations, feelings, needs, and requests) How tutors can apply NVC skills to effect positive change in their tutoring relationships as well as in other relationships in their livesLets get started!A bit of backgroundThe basicsThe basicsNVC skills: ObservationNVC skills: FeelingsNVC skills: NeedsNVC skills: RequestsNVC skills: All together now!Practicing NVC: ObservationPracticing NVC: ObservationApplication to tutoring: ObservationNeedsApplication to tutoring: NeedsFeelingsFeelingsApplication to tutoring: FeelingsPracticing NVC: Feelings and needsWhen I ___, I feel ___ because I do (not) meet my need for __.Framing needs as requestsApplication to tutoring: RequestsNVC in the workplace: CoworkersNVC in the workplace: CoworkersNVC in the workplace: CoworkersNVC in the workplace: CoworkersNVC in the workplace: CoworkersNVC in the workplace: SupervisorsNVC in the workplace: SupervisorsNVC in the workplace: SupervisorsNVC in the workplace: SupervisorsNVC in the workplace: SupervisorsNVC in the workplace: TuteesNVC with non-NVCers NVC caveats Wrap-up timeQuestions?