Nonviolent communication and mediation

Étienne GodinotTranslation : Claudia McKenny Engström

05.02.2015

La communication non-violenteet la m édiation

Contents

1- Nonviolent communicationWhat is NVC ? Definition, roleA process in 4 stepsThe mechanisms that generate violenceThe mechanisms that generate dialogue and better-beingSome tools for NVC : Where is the problem ? Active listening (open and closed questions, reformulation), affirmative message “I…”

2 - MediationWhat is mediation ?Changing the logicThe role of the mediatorThe steps of mediationAttitude and qualities of a mediator

1. Nonviolent Communication (NVC)

NVC is the language and interactions that strengthen our capacity of expressing, giving kindness that will inspire in others the desire to act likewise.

This process of communication was initiated in the 1970s by Marshall Rosenberg. Empathy is at the heart of NVC, common to the approach centred on the person, imagined by Carl Rogers (photo above), and professor to Rosenberg.

“NVC is the combination of a language, a way of thi nking, a skill in communication and the means of influence s erving the desire to accomplish three things :- Free myself from a cultural conditioning in discre pancy with the way in which I wish to live my life- Acquire the power to access my inner being and oth ers, in a way allowing me to give naturally from the heart- Acquire the power to create structures that suppor t this way of giving.

Marshall Rosenberg (photo below).

The role of NVC

NVC allows us to understand what happens in the relation with oneself and with others, in order to realise new representations and different behaviours.

It invites us to become conscious of what we are really living (our aspirations and needs, our emotions and feelings), what the other is living, and of creating the conditions of a real meeting.

Photos : Thomas d’Anzembourg, Belgian educator in NVC

and several of his books.

NVC: a process in four steps

1) Objective observation of a situation (putting aside our judgements and evaluations)

2) Identification of emotions and feelings that a given situation awakens in us (differentiating them from our own interpretations and judgements)

3) Identification of needs linked to the latter feelings (deep aspirations, motivations, etc.)

4) Formulation of a request in order to satisfy the need (presented positively, concrete and feasible).

The mechanisms that generate violence

- judgements, etiquettes, categories

- habitual thinking (beliefs, prejudices…)

- binary thoughts (either…or; or…or…)

- using a blaming language or removing responsibilities (assimilating a person to its act, accusing message “You…”, etc.)

Mechanisms that generate dialogue and better-being

- Active listening

- Openness and research

- Complementary and ternary thinking (and…, and…)

- Affirmative message “I…” and expression of feelings

- Develop self-esteem

- Cultivate trust in oneself and others

- Welcome differences

Mechanisms that generate dialogue and better-being

- Openness to disagreements, taking care of our angers, listen to our fears in order to overcome them

- Learning to say “no” and welcome the other’s “no” without submission or aggression

- Sharing of values

- Explaining the sense and reasons behind rules.

Some tools of NVCWhere is the problem ? (Thomas Gordon)

Resolution of a conflict“This is becoming unbearable ! I’m going to see

the boss !”

There is a problem between us

Message “I…” of confrontation“I am angry because I cannot stand you attitude

during our meetings !”

I have a problem because of the other

Keep up good relationships, prevent and share

“Our meetings are very useful !”

No problem between us

Mediation“Can I help you see more clarity in these problems

you face during meetings ?”

The others have a problem

Active listening“Ah… You are tired of our meetings ?”

The other has a problem

Some tools of NVC

Active listening

Brings AIR: Attention, Interest, Reflection

Adapted for an investigative interview, to save time

Adapted for a deep communication, for an interview aiming to help

Allows to obtain a clear answerHelps better understanding the interlocutor, his feelings and personality

Directive: the interviewer guides the answer and orientate the interview

Not directive : the interlocutor has more latitude, freedom in his/her answer

Bring the other to choose a positionand pushes the actionBring the other to speak, think

Answer by “Yes”, “No” or other such as “I don’t know”

Larger, deeper answer

Start with a "do/does" questionStart with : How ? What ? Who or which ?

How many ? Where? When ? Why ?

Closed questionsOpen questions

Some tools for NVC

Reformulation

Reformulating : receiving what the other says, say it my way in order to establish if I understood his or her message

Why ?

- to indicate I am listening and that I heard the situation, his or her feelings (to allow him or her to go further in the expression what those), his/her arguments (even if I don’t share them)

- to check I understood and allow how to complete or correct

- to continue the discussion

- to deepen a point that seems important to me, orientate the interview on a precise point

Some tools for NVC

La reformulation

How ?

I don’t really understand…

What do you mean when…According to you…

In other words…

So that would mean it was…who…You believe that…

You think that…

“Echoes” you say?“Discouraged”?

Some tools for NVC

The affirmative message “I…”, for self affirmation(of confrontation, taking position, refusal, satisfaction, etc.)

The other should not be judged or accused.

It is important to stick to the facts. The “you” kills!

truecredibleclear

My feelingConcrete effects on me

Description of objective facts, of the behaviour

of others

“ I’m very unhappy !”“ I waited all day ”“ You did not inform me of your absence ”

What I feelThe consequences for me

What he/she does

What he/she says

Tools for NVC

The “I…” message

The 4 criteria of an efficient confrontation

1- To obtain the modification of another’s behaviour (ask him/her to satisfy my need)

2 - Preserve the esteem the other feels towards me

3 - Maintain and improve the quality of the relation between us

4 - Develop the other’s responsibility (help him/her become conscious of the consequences of his/her behaviour)

2 - Mediation

Mediation is the intervention of a third person between two actors in a conflict to bring them to

- talk to each other,

- evacuate misunderstandings,

- understand each other,

- find a compromise that will open the way to reconciliation.

Changing the logic

The objective is to move from a binary logic of confrontation to a dynamic ternary cooperation,

allowing all to take a step back from- himself/herself

- the relationship with the other

- the conflict that they suffer from.

Promoting mediation

It isn’t enough to establish the objective truth about the facts.

It is more important to apprehend the subjective truths about a person’s feelings, sentiments, sufferings and desires.

The role of the mediator

1. First, allow both parties to express their emotions to the mediator and if they cannot talk to reach other:

- give them time to speak, one after the other

- show them the problems have been understood by reformulating

2. Help each party hear the needs and suffering of the other

3. Help reach an agreement

- with the consent of all involved- express it in the vocabulary of the parties

The role of the mediator

- No judge, no sides : does not try to weigh, estimate or determine who is right or wrong

- Must be asked by one and accepted by the other

- Does not take sides

- Does not hand out the solution : helps the parties in presence build the solution

- Plays the role of interpreter, catalyser

- Guarantees dialogue and negotiation in the process

Steps of mediation

The mediator :

- defines precisely his/her role for the parties- checks he/she is accepted by both- checks the positive intentions of both- defines the “rules of the game”- makes sure each has time to speak, one after the other- if necessary, summarises the respective needs - masters the process- reaches an agreement on the final definition of the respective needs- if necessary, gets them to write and sign the agreement on paper, with needs and solutions

The attitude of the mediator

The mediator keeps his/her distance :

Welcomes the emotion - without making it personal

The emotions of the other - but do not affect him/hr touch him/her directly

He/She hears the anger - but does not become invaded and suffering and let himself/herself

destroyed by it

The qualities of a mediator

• Independence

• Neutrality

• Impartiality

• Confidentiality

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