IT’S NOT WHAT YOU SAY…….IT’S HOW YOU

SAY IT!

This article looks at the impact of non-verbal communication on our

everyday lives. It provides insights into how you can improve your

communication skills by becoming more aware of the cues that you give

out and will help you understand those you receive and how the two

interact

The importance of

non-verbal

communication

Up to 75% of our message is made by

non-verbal communications.

Non-verbal (otherwise known as body language)

is a vital aspect of effective communication, both

in our work and personal lives. It is something

that is around us all of the time, whether we

want it to be or not. This article is designed to

give an overview of many of the key aspects of

the process, to enable you to be more aware and

thus you take a greater interest in something that

may have operated largely within your

subconscious.

As with all aspects of communication it is an area that can be shaped and improved, by becoming

more aware of the signals that we give out and receive from others we can be more able to

understand and interpret those signals– and how the two interact and occur as result of each

other.

Non-verbal communication occurs through the gestures we make, our posture, our position, eye

contact, how fast / slow, loud / quietly we speak and the tone of our voice.

How important is Non-verbal communication?

The way you listen, look, move and react tell the other

person whether or not you care and how well you’re

listening. The non-verbal signals that you send either

produce a sense of interest, trust, and desire for

connection, or they generate disinterest, distrust and

confusion.

Non-verbal communication can provide vital clues

through:

o Repetition: They repeat and reinforce the

message the sender is making

o Contradiction: The complete opposite of the

above, which is very confusing for the receiver

o Substitution: They can communicate the message as effectively as the verbal message,

and often in a more vivid manner than words could convey

o Complementing: They add to or complement the words. A pat on the back increases the

impact of verbal praise

o Accenting: They add weight to the verbal message – beating one fist into the palm of the

other hand for example.

How can you become more aware of the signals you send & receive?

Since non-verbal communication is a rapidly flowing back and forth process it requires your full

concentration and attention. Emotional self-awareness and understanding of the cues you’re

sending, along with the ability to accurately pick up the cues others are sending you is essential. If

you are planning what you’re going to say next, daydreaming, or thinking about something else

you are almost certain to miss non-verbal clues and other subtleties.

Some tips for successful non-verbal communication:

o Stay relaxed. Stress affects your

ability to communicate. When stressed you

are more likely to misread signals, send out

confusing or off-putting signals and maybe

even lapse into other counter-productive

patterns of behaviour.

o Be aware of inconsistencies. Look

for any signals that don’t match with the

verbal communications. Avoiding direct eye

contact, fidgety movements etc.

o View non-verbal

communications in the round. Don’t read

too much into a single gesture or other cue

from an individual. Consider a range of

signals that you’re picking up. Also be aware of what signals you might be sending out that

might be affecting the signals being sent out to you. Are you being consistent?

Below you will find an explanation of some of the clues for different elements of Non-verbal

communication

Types of non-verbal communication Evaluating your non-verbal communication skills

Facial expressions – the human face is extremely expressive and able to express countless emotions. The expressions for happiness, sadness, anger, fear, surprise, and disgust are common to all cultures.

What does your face say about you? Is it inexpressive and fixed like a mask? What do you see when you look into the faces of others?

Body movement and posture – Think how your perceptions of other people are influenced by the way they sit, walk, stand, or hold their head. Your posture, bearing, stance and other subtle movements communicate a wealth of information about you.

Do you hold your body still, immobile or relaxed? Be aware of the amount of tension in your shoulders and jaw and also the degree of tension or relaxation in the person you’re communicating with.

Gestures – How we wave, point, beckon and use our hands when we’re communicating is often done subconsciously.

How do you feel when the person speaking to you is either waving their arms about wildly or is completely motionless? If they

BUT the meaning of many gestures varies in different countries and cultures, so it’s important to use them carefully to avoid misinterpretation.

are beating the fist of one hand into the palm of the other what does this make you think. Seek local advice on the meaning of any gestures that result in a reaction that you didn’t expect or intend

Eye Contact – This is the dominant sense for most people and is especially important in non-verbal communications. The way you look at someone communicates many things, such as, interest, affection, hostility, or attraction. Eye contact is also important in maintaining the flow of conversation and gauging others reactions to you.

Are you missing this source of connection (avoiding), are too intense (staring), or just right in yourself and with the person you are looking at. Do they look away when you look at them, stare at you (making you feel uncomfortable?) or does it feel about right?

Touch – Key messages are communicated through the following: a firm handshake, a timid tap on the shoulder, a warm bear hug, a reassuring pat on the back, a patronising pat on the head, or a controlling grip on your arm

What feels good is relative to the individual, their culture, the situation and how well you know each other. Be aware of how you like to be touched and who you like to touch you. Are you aware of any differences between what you and the other person like?

Space – We all need a physical space around us. How much depends on the culture, the situation and the closeness of the relationship. Use of physical space communicates intimacy, aggression, dominance or affection.

Have you ever felt “trapped” by another person who insists on standing very close to you? Try to give people the space that you would like, but be aware that they might feel comfortable with more or less than you.

Voice – Speech sounds, such as tone, pitch, volume, inflection, rhythm and rate are all important communication factors. People “read” the voice as well as listening to the words. They can communicate powerful clues as to our true feelings

Does your voice project warmth, confidence, and delight or is it strained and choked. Does it seem flat, cool or disinterested, or over the top and melodramatic? What do you hear as you listen to other people? Remember every person’s preferences are different. This key element is missing during phone and text conversations. How often have you judged a person by their tone of voice only?

How to improve your non-verbal communication skills.

You can become more effective at non-verbal

communication by doing a number of fairly

straightforward things. The first thing to do is to

increase your awareness of the signals that you

send out subconsciously. You can easily observe

yourself and the cues you give out by either

recording a conversation between you and a

friend, colleague or your partner using a video

camera. When you watch the play back pay

particular attention to any discrepancies between

the spoken word and body language. You should

equally pay attention to the voices – that is the tone, pitch, pace and volume of the words spoken.

Did they complement or contradict the words themselves? Equipped with a better understanding

of your default position you can then try to modify and control the cues you give out, and be

aware of how your cues are received and returned. This is a never ending process of learning and

refinement, but the more you put in the more you will get back, in terms of the effectiveness of

your communications.

Key things to remember.

o Effective non-verbal communication is critical to

ensure you get your messages received in the

way you intended.

o Every person is different so don’t make

unilateral judgements about specific elements of

their non-verbal communications, asses them

through time and with regard to as many

elements as possible

o Be aware of the impact of your own non-verbal

communication on others and amend yours as

soon as you are aware that specific elements

are working well or badly. It is important that

you move from your comfort zone closer to

theirs as this will make them more responsive to

your verbal messages – thus meaning that more

of your key messages will be received and

understood the way you intended them to be!

Credits / further reading

The language of Emotional Intelligence – Jeanne Segal, Ph. D.

Non-verbal Communication – Albert Mehrabian

The Power of Non-verbal Communication – Henry H Calero

Bodily Communication – Michael Argyle