Navigating the Sometimes Turbulent Waters of Highly Sensitive and Emotionally Intense Kids

Kim Bielmannn CabotajeInternal LuminosityJanuary 28, 2012

How did you find your way here?

What need, curiosity or quandary has brought you to this place

right now?

“Gifted individuals have qualities to be

managed, not problems to be fixed.”

~Mary-Elaine Jacobsen, Psy.D

Know how to recognize behaviors

of emotional intensity and

sensitivity Understand that these characteristics are normal and can be very desirable

Be able to implement some

strategies that will help your child

At the End of Our Time Together, I Hope You Will:

“Being gifted means having a qualitatively different experience

of the world.”

~Michael Piechowski, Ph.D.

Photo Kim Bielmann Cabotaje, 2011

 Kazimierz Dabrowski

Theory of Positive Disintegration

 from a self-centered focus and toward altruism and moral development

though higher intelligence is not essential, innate ability with overexcitability

makes it more likely

Overexcitabilities:

innate tendencies that manifest in a heightened reaction to stimuli.

PSYCHOMOTOR Intensity

Restlessness

Driveness

Movement

Compulsive talk

Impulsive action

Enthusiasm

Photo Kim Bielmann Cabotaje, 2011

INTELLECTUAL Intensity

Need to understand

Search for the Truth

Tendency toward analysis

Require logic and fairness

Voracious reader

IMAGINATIONAL Intensity

Rich imagination

Use of imagery and metaphor

Blur lines between fact and fiction

Vivid dreams

Daydream

SENSUAL Intensity

Heightened sensory experiences

Deep pleasure from music, language, art and food

Deep capacity for empathy

Easily overstimulated

Photo Kim Bielmann Cabotaje, 2011

EMOTIONAL Intensity

Intense positive andnegative feelings

Deeply committed relationships

Large capacityfor compassion

Empathic

Perceived as melodramatic

Too drivenToo demanding

Too anal

Too cautious Too sensitive

Too serious

Too analytical Too complicated

Too dramaticToo different

Too, too much!

Plus Minus Interesting

The Highly Sensitive Child

• 15-20% of children• Inherited trait of a more developed central

nervous system—reach overstimulation sooner• Depending on parenting, school and life

experiences, can lead to challenges like anxiety and fear

• Studied in infants and children for over 50 years as shyness, introversion and inhibitedness

• 70% are introverts and 30% extraverts• Pause to check system greater than “go-for-it”

system• Though one need not be gifted to be highly

sensitive, a significant number of sensitive individuals are also very intelligent

Adapted from The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D.

The Emotionally Intense Child

• Vacillates between extreme happiness and anger or sadness

• May have explosive outbursts, bouts of crying or debilitating anxiety

• Extreme guilt, critical self-talk and self-doubt• Physical manifestations may include heart

palpitations, sensory sensitivity, nausea and headaches

• Strong affective memory—ability to relive feelings of an event throughout lifetime

• Intense relationships• Can be overwhelmed by rigid classroom expectations

and sensory overload of the school experience

Adapted from Emotional Intensity in Gifted Students: Helping Kids Cope With Explosive Feelings by Christine Fonseca

What’s Great about Parenting a Sensitive or Emotionally Intense Child?

The Joys of Raising Highly Sensitive and Emotionally Intense Children

• Able to connect deeply with others• Capable of deep feeling and thought• Notice, experience and appreciate beauty in others

and the world• Empathize with the plight of others• Raise your awareness of the world around you and

cause you to ponder questions you had not previously considered

• Have the passion to create a fulfilling life• When supported, have the potential to make great

contributions in the areas of law, invention, healing, history, art science, education, counseling and spiritual leadership—the consultants to the warriors and rulers

Adapted from Aron and Fonseca

Telling your child to lighten up or toughen up, calling her a drama queen,

proclaiming that boys don’t cry, feeding into the meltdown, excusing negative behavior, issuing strong disciplinary

action and failing to recognize your own potential overexcitabilities does not work!

“Gifted students are inherently different from their

peers on many fronts.  Learning how to effectively live as a high ability student can require strategies and social skill development.”

~Tracy Cross

Help Your child Manage These characteristics

• Learn everything you can about sensitivity and emotional intensity

• Let your child know that you understand and accept his experiences and needs

• Help your child to understand how others may experience things differently

• Make sure your child eats a healthy diet without excess carbs and sugar and gets plenty of sleep

• Help your child to recognize when he needs to pull in and recharge and when he can step out in the world

• Provide opportunities for your child to take safe risks and build confidence

Adapted from Aron and Fonseca

• Strive to create comfortable transitions during times of change

• Try to provide structure and routine to reduce stress in your home

• Create a household that has clear boundaries, expectations and consequences for behaviors

• Understand the impact of shame• Punishment should not be excessive—consequences

should be short, mild and related to the behavior• Consequences should be positive, not punitive—rather

than take things away, give the opportunity to earn or not earn

• Avoid meltdowns by teaching relaxation and recognizing the signs

• Following a meltdown, take time later when everyone is calm to discuss what has happened

• Adapted from Aron and Fonseca

• Consider the interaction of your own personality with your child’s might help or hinder her

• Help your child set reasonable goals and support them in working towards them in manageable chunks

• Don’t allow your child to use their characteristics to manipulate others

• Consider using bibliotherapy to help your child find characters to relate to and learn from (e.g. A Wrinkle in Time)

• When working with teachers, focus on the child’s strengths first, identify areas of concern and create a plan that is consistent between home and school, has measurable goals and is simple

• Celebrate with your child everything wonderful about being sensitive and intense!

• Adapted from Aron and Fonseca

Misdiagnosis and Dual Diagnosis of Gifted Children and Adults

by James Webb, et. al.

There is an epidemic of misdiagnosis of the gifted based on common characteristics being

mistaken for one or more disorders.

What one thing can you take away today that you will try to

implement immediately?

What questions do you still have?

Only the Beginning: Additional Resources to Help You

• Anxiety-Free Kids: An Interactive Guide for Parets and Children by Bonnie Zucker (Prufrock Press, 2009)

• Emotional Intensity in Gifted Students: Helping Kids Cope with Explosive Feelings by Christine Fonseca (Prufrock Press, 2011)

• Misdiagnosis and Dual Diagnoses of Gifted Children and Adults by James Webb, Ph.D., et. al. (Great Potential Press, 2005)

• Selecting a Mental Health Professional for Your Gifted Child http://www.sengifted.org/resources/SelectingAMentalHealthProffesional.pdf

• Smart but Scattered: The Revolutionary “Executive Skills: Approach to Helping Kids Reach Their Potential by Peg Dawson and Richard Guare (Guilford Press, 2009)

• The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D. (Broadway Books, 2002)

• What to Do When Good Enough Isn’t Good Enough: The Real Deal on Perfectionism: A Guide for Kids by Thomas S. Greenspon (Free Spirit, 2007).

Internal LuminosityYour companion on paths less travelledhttp://internal-luminosity.blogspot.com