distinctionsT h e Q u a r T e r l y N e w s l e T T e r f o r C l i e N T s a N d f r i e N d s o f

Winter 2008

Integrating Our Lives—Peace, Release and Effortless Powerby James Flaherty

Developmental psychologists tell us that the first split from our feeling of absolute unity happens when we are less than 6 months old. We discover that Mom and I are separate. I

cannot control her by my thoughts (although the reverse is appar-ently true well into adulthood); my body has physical limits and does not include all there is. The world is divided, and suffering begins.

I begin suffering from deep, deep anxiety—an unsettling fear that at any time I may be hurt. Since I cannot control the world, or even predict what will happen, what looks safe or good now may harm me in the next moment. Also my power is limited. My wishes, desires, and needs are not immediately fulfilled. Frustration as a way of being in the world arises and looms nearby at every moment.

Anxiety and frustration, the two primary sources of our human suffering, burrow their way deep into my body-mind to reside for quite a while. They are created from my awareness of separation, and each time I split myself they gain more power. When I feel the consequent distress, I scurry around to see what part of my outer life or inner experience (any splitting even in this way of talking?) is giving me the problem so I can get rid of it. I have divided myself yet again, so more anxiety and frustration arrive, and another cycle of suffering starts. Around and around. Much insight. Many courageous decisions and only more suffering (which we generously share with the people around us) to show for all this activity.

Modern life makes this pattern much worse than it has ever been. For example, are we ever at work fully? Ever at home fully? Cell phone calls, text messages, bleeps from electronic calendars pull our attention away and we often cooperate, driven by our fear that we may be missing out on something vital. We imagine we are getting more efficient, but usually we are simply made more aware of what we are not getting to, not able to complete. More anxiety and frustration follow and we find ourselves feeling more divided, less able to prioritize, pulled in more directions, and less able to settle. Speeding this whole process up, our frequent solution makes it worse.

So maybe by now I’ve sufficiently laid out the question: How can we integrate our lives? (And lessen our suffering by diminishing anxiety and frustration?)

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N E W V E N T U R E S W E S T

One possible response is to wait for events to unify us. Perhaps finding the right job, profession or career will do the trick? Maybe being in a sufficiently pas-sionate relationship will do it? What about having children, or having them grow up and move away? Well, what have you found? Have these events (or their equivalent) integrated you and your life?

Many people have told me “no” to these questions, and I also have eyes to see how we are living, and my own life experience. My view is that events themselves will not do it. What, then, will?

My response is easy to say and much harder to ac-complish. It’s to build a new narrative for ourselves and simultaneously construct a new identity. A new narrative, as I’m using it, means fresh responses to these fundamental questions:

• Who am I?• Who are others?• What am I to do? (And, consequently, what’s forbidden?)

We already live answers to these questions, but we almost always came to our answers long ago when we were not paying much attention. They are often out of date or haven’t been fully digested by us because we swallowed them whole from what someone else was feeding up to us (see parents, early religious experiences, fairy tales, and popular culture for more on this).

By identity, I mean all the ways we know our self, are known by others, and the behaviors we do, and things we use to keep ourselves known this way (in sum, all the activities we engage in and all experiences we have in all the quadrants make up our identity).

Building a new narrative and constructing a new identity require huge courage and dedicated, focused attention for a prolonged period of time. No one else can do it for us and, as said earlier, we cannot rely on circumstances to do it for us either.

It seems to me that the primary task of our years beyond age 25 is to take on and complete this project—to come into our adulthood. In Pindar’s words, to become who we are. And by doing so, we radically integrate our lives.

How to begin? Here are some suggestions:

• Find a guide (an experienced, skillful coach could qualify)• Uncover and own your current narrative through self-observation, speaking with folks who know you well, by reviewing your life in detail.• Reveal and take full conscious possession of your current identity. Study the quadrants and the ways you are attached to and attracted by the contents of each one.• Imagine and begin to construct a new narrative that expresses your values, commitments and aspira-tions.• Ponder how you would live in all the quadrants to be consistent with your new narrative.• Make a transition plan of support, practices, self-observations and other activities to bring the new narrative and new identity into existence fully. • Be patient.

We really need a guide for this; it’s much more than this article can address.

When this process takes root you will feel much more at home in the world and will be capable of accom-plishing so much more as you reduce conflict within yourself, with others and with the world itself.

More on this topic in the reading that follows, and the book and practice of the quarter.

The upcoming Coaching Roundtable in San Fran-cisco on February 23 will also take up this topic.

Take care of yourself.

© New Ventures West 2008

PO BOX 591525 • SAN FRANCISCO • CA • 94159 • 800.332.4618 • WWW.NEWVENTURESWEST.COM

Explore this topic in greater depth in a community of study and prac-tice with James as a guide. There’s still room in our six-session tele-class beginning February 5! To find out more, call the NVW office at 800.332.4618.

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P R A C T I C E O F T H E Q U A R T E R

© New Ventures West 2008

Focus: Loosening My Identity

The first step in generating a new identity is to loosen our grip on our current one. Here’s a way to start. Please do the exercise for 30 days. Please stop in the middle of your day and the end of your day and write out your responses to the daily questions.

Once each week write out your responses to the weekly questions. You may want to print out some copies of the quadrants model to use in the daily exercise.

DAILY QUESTIONS

For the last period of time:

3. Relationships & Culture 1. Individual Consciousness & Experience

a. What was I attached to? a. What was I attached to?b. What attracted me? b. What attracted me?

4. Environment & Technology 2. Body & Behavior

a. What was I attached to? a. What was I attached to?b. What attracted me? b. What attracted me?

WEEKLY QUESTIONS

This week:

1. What patterns of attachment did I notice in each quadrant?2. What patterns of being attracted did I notice in each quadrant?3. How did my attachments and my responses to being attracted shape my identity?4. How would I express my current understanding of my identity?

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Introduction to the Internal Family Systems Modelby Richard C. Schwartz, Ph. D.Trailheads PublicationsTM, 2001Paperback, 174 pages

Even the idea of integrating our life can feel daunting, un-achievable, perhaps nonsensical. Where do we start? How do we do it? What skills do we need? What’s involved? These questions themselves may make it worse for you. Do not despair, however. Many important thinkers and writers have addressed this dilemma powerfully. The author this quarter is one of them. Richard Schwartz has invented language that gives us ready access to the bewildering number of thoughts, feelings, desires, plans and voices swirling around within us. He defines his four basic terms (self, exile, manager and firefighter) so clearly and with such understandable examples that the reader can put them to use immediately. The book beautifully combines the two factors that make a popular psychology book useful—a powerful theory and the benefit of practi-cal know-how gathered from years of applying the theory.

This is a short book but it’s more useful than almost any long one. You’ll find yourself nodding your head, having many insights and untying many long-standing mental knots as you read. This wonderful book feels true intuitively and its deep, simple insights will serve you well for many years.

B O O K O F T H E Q U A R T E R

© New Ventures West 2008

––James Flaherty

Summary

Scale 0-5

Usefulness

Accessibility

Rigor

Potential toChange Reader

Dr. Schwartz is our May speaker in the Book Study Group. See page 9 for our other authors and join our community of coaches for our monthly calls!

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P O E M S O F T H E Q U A R T E R

Once: An Assay

Once wakes up in the morning, brews coffee, goes outside in its bathrobe to bring the paper from the street.Once notices the day is possible rain.

At the same time, Once is lightly climbing a tree, a tall sycamoreslanting over a late-summer stream. A single yellow leaf at once floats down.

A water snake flows one way, the leaf the other.Once goes with both. Then coils in a spring-latched doorknob,while also swinging its large head aroundto scratch the itch that troubles one coarse-haired hip.

Once knows again exists but this is theoretical knowledge.Thus Once is ceaselessly tender, though without large passion.

Once doesn’t know any better and so loves this world,in which babies starve, after long enough,in silence.

Is Once heartless? —You may well ask,who pass your life inside its large, dry hand.

Once turns its face toward the question: a horse-shaped clock of bright blue plastic, with red tail.The dream its whinny wakes you from is also Once’s.

This sneeze, this pain, this rage or weeping: one moment only.Leaving, Once takes in its pocket your slightest sigh.

Just try to breathe it again, Once murmurs. You’ll see.

If you protest, it is Once’s own and only protest.If you agree, it is Once that for its instant accedes.

This Möbius is hard to understand but easy to manufacture.A single strip of paper, turned once, and it’s yours.

All poems are from After by Jane Hirshfield.

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P O E M S O F T H E Q U A R T E R

Burlap Sack

A person is full of sorrowthe way a burlap sack is full of stones or sand.We say, “Hand me the sack,”but we get the weight.Heavier if left out in the rain.To think that the sand or stones are the self is an error.To think that grief is the self is an error.Self carries grief as a pack mule carries the side bags,being careful between the trees to leave extra room.The mule is not the load of ropes and nails and axes.The self is not the miner nor builder not driver.What would it be to take the brideand leave behind the heavy dowry?To let the thin-ribbed mule browse in tall grasses,its long ears waggling like the tails of two happy dogs?

The Monk Stood Beside a Wheelbarrow

The monk stood beside a wheelbarrow, weeping.

God or Buddha nowhere to be seen—these tears were fully human,bitter, broken,falling onto the wheelbarrow’s rusty side.

They gathered at its bottom,where the metal drank them in to make more rust.

You cannot know what you do in this life, what you have done.

The monk stood weeping.I knew I also had a place on this hard earth.

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This is the first in a series of articles in which we explore the practice of leadership. The publication of each article will be followed by a FREE teleseminar to discuss the topics raised. To register for the teleseminar, refer to the instructions at the end of the article.

Being a Leader in Our Life, Our Relationships and Our Workby Steve March and Julie Manga, Ph.D.

What kind of leader are you called to be in your life? Surely, there isn’t just one answer to this question. And there is no way to answer the question once and for all. Instead, we offer this question as a way to stay present with what’s occurring in your life, as an opening for creatively and effectively responding moment-by-moment to the opportunities and challenges you face.

In addition to the many challenges we face globally—ethical and sustainable development, clean water for everyone without conflict, bringing population growth into balance with re-sources, meeting growing energy demands safely, improving the status of women worldwide, and so on—each of us is also challenged locally in our work and home life. The certainty of work and livelihood is eroded for many. We face an overload of information, without a sense of how to discern what is useful. Our lives are tightly scheduled with many competing commitments. Families and communities are increasingly fragmented. And the pace of life in our society con-tinues to accelerate.

Leadership is called for in order to face and address these challenges at all levels, but what kind of leadership? We suggest that it isn’t useful to think about leadership as a particular role or posi-tion, such as CEO, President, or Prime Minister, or as set of personal qualities, like charisma or steadfastness. And leadership doesn’t require followers. The kinds of challenges we collectively and individually face and the accelerating velocity and unpredictability of our circumstances call for new leadership ways of being from us all. More of the same won’t work.

Each of us is called to lead. We are each called to respond fully to our situation moment-by-mo-ment with everything that we are in order to bring about something that is bigger than ourselves. Each moment is an invitation to lead. Repeatedly accepting that invitation requires develop-ing ourselves—for example, our self-awareness, capacity and resilience, and professional and personal relationships—so that we have the compassion, wisdom, and courage to move things forward in the face of difficulties.

Each of us has already answered the question “How am I going to respond to the situation of the world?” This is a fundamental choice that everyone has made, consciously or not. Do we step in, sometimes quietly, sometimes audaciously, risking who we take ourselves to be, or do we step back and take care of our own world as if it were separate from everyone and everything else?

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Many of us step back because we look at famous leaders—Mohandas Gandhi, Eleanor Roosevelt, Winston Churchill, Margaret Mead, Martin Luther King, Jr., Colin Powell—and say to ourselves, “I’m not like them; I can’t lead.” True, we aren’t like them. We are like us. Comparing ourselves to famous leaders is a self-defeating path that ends in resignation. We have a tendency to ideal-ize famous leaders and to forget that they are human too. Let’s not let our imperfections stop us from courageous acts of leadership, and instead, bring all of ourselves into those acts.

Leading is an action that we can all take and that we are called to take. Many of us may have the experience of a junior team member stepping up and overcoming difficulties to move things forward. In this moment our colleague is leading, stepping into leadership, stepping into being a leader.

Maybe it’s time to stop waiting for someone else to declare you a leader and to declare yourself one.

We invite you to attend a FREE 60-minute teleseminar on February 26 at 9 am Pacific time (Noon Eastern) on the topic of stepping in to your life, your relationships, and your work as a leader. In this teleseminar we will lead you through a personal inquiry about your own capacity to step into life as a leader—how you experience the call to lead, obstacles you encounter and ways of relating differently to those obstacles. Space is limited. To register, please call Julie Manga at 617-869-9638.

Integral Leadership provides powerful methods for people to uncover and express leadership in their life and work. Being a leader doesn’t call for abandoning parts of ourselves. Each of us, as a leader, is called to bring all that we are, all that we have learned, and all of our skills and creativity and focus them on bringing something into existence, making something happen, and generating results. Investing ourselves in life and work this way is challenging and fulfilling. In our programs you will directly experience your ability to lead authentically and develop your capacity to respond in an integral fashion to situations that call for your leadership.

STAFF OPENING AT NEW VENTURES WESTDIRECTOR OF COMMUNICATIONS

We are opening a new position on our team at New Ventures West, bringing Integral Coaching and Development to the world. Our Director of Communications will be intimately connected to all our current and future projects,

our body of graduates, the coaching community at large, and folks who are seeking coach training. The job requires someone who has high competence in writing, editing, marketing, graphic design and HTML. The Communica-

tions Director will edit our newsletter, Distinctions; compose and distribute email communication to our graduates; work with the press; and other activities that no doubt will arise.

We are a close, supportive, warm group of people who work in a friendly, focused environment. Familiarity with our programs (probably best as a participant) is essential for this position, which will initially be part time but will likely evolve to much more. No need to be located in the SF Bay Area. Resumés can be emailed to Stacy Flaherty:

stacy@newventureswest.com.

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For further information or to register, call our office at 415.221.4618 or 800.332.4618

J o i n a D y n a m i c L e a r n i n g C o m m u n i t y

T H E S T U DY G R O U P w i t h J A M E S

Join our community of coaches as we dive into these important texts. We’ll learn from each other, from the books themselves, and from the authors who’ll join us on our call each month. Fun, friendly, and very worthwhile.

Matt Englar-Carlson on April 29Richard Schwartz on May 27Fred Luskin on June 24

In the Room With MenMatt Englar-Carlson,

Ph.D.

Internal Family Systems Model

Richard C. Schwartz, Ph.D.

Forgive for GoodFred Luskin, Ph.D.

F O C U S O N R E L AT I O N S H I P S

F o r o u r S e c o n d Q u a r t e r S t u d y G r o u p

Tuition is $375 and includes all 3 books and conference calls. The calls takes place from 5–7 pm Pacific time (8–10 pm Eastern time) and are recorded in case you are unavailable.

Please register by March 15 so we can get your books to you in plenty of time.

Prerequisite for the Study Group is Coaching to Excellence or equivalent.

We recently completed our first teleclass together with The Enneagram Institute.

We discovered that the Riso/Hudson Enneagram and Integral Coaching blend well together to form a powerful platform for human development. From the feedback we received, participants appreciated the variety of views and experiences brought to the calls. We also learned that we have deep respect for each other and have a great time working with each other. Now that we have found common ground, we are ea-ger to make practical application to real situations. Here’s what we have in mind. We’ll soon be beginning a 10-session tele-class, the centerpiece of which will be a live

30-minute coaching session conducted by Russ Hudson, Don Riso or James. We’ll select clients of different Enneatypes and with a wide variety of topics. We’ll intro-

duce each call with focused in-depth material gleaned from thousands of hours of working with people over several decades. No theory, but practical lessons and know-how. Then one of us will conduct the coaching ses-sion live in real time followed by emailed questions directed to the client and coach. We’ll sum-

marize the call and highlight principles that can be used in other coaching situations.

Enneagram Teleclass #2Applying the Theory

More details to follow soon. Or if you just can’t wait, contact Ellen at our office to find out more: 800.332.4618.

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For further information or to register, call our office at 415.221.4618 or 800.332.4618

COACHING TO EXCELLENCETwo interactive days on the foundations of coaching.

Boston April 23–24Chicago February 12–13San Francisco March 19–20 May 13–14

Cost: $695

PROFESSIONAL COACHING COURSECertification program for independent and corporate coaches. Year-long programs begin:

San Francisco May 2008 August 2008

Cost: $8,500

COACHING ROUNDTABLESOne-day free seminars for graduates and guests.

San Francisco February 23 May 17 September 20

Cost: Free

STUDY GROUP WITH JAMESMonthly conference calls with guest authorsapplying current texts to coaching cases.Quarters begin January, April, July, October.

Cost: $375/Quarter

INTEGRAL COACHING PRINCIPLESThree days for experienced coaches from other schools and disciplines.

San Francisco May 20–22 September 23–25Cost: $975

J o i n a D y n a m i c L e a r n i n g C o m m u n i t y

T H E S T U DY G R O U P w i t h J A M E S

CTE LEADERS TRAININGCertified coaches become licensed to lead the Coaching to Excellence course.

San Francisco April 23–24

Cost: $875

C O U R S E S C H E D U L E

Coaching to Excellence in December in Mumbai, India: Leader Sarita Chawla and class participants.

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N V W G R A D U A T E D E P T

THE GRAD BLASTfor graduates of the Professional Coaching Courseby Ellen Myers King

Welcome New Readers!

“When you bow deeply to the universe, it bows back.” – Morihei Ueshiba, founder of Aikido

Our NVW Grads act as Pod Mentors, Phone Coaches, Guest Coaches, Committee members, and at times, speak to current and potential students. We could not provide the level of service we do without their devotion, skill and contribution. I want to take a moment to honor some of the many NVW grads that have supported our PCC students in the past year. With a deep bow, applause and gratitude to these distinguished PCC graduates:

Expanding outside of the NVW box!! No one can say we are not branching out. For our Grad Room presenters at the Coaching Roundtables we have invited two of our new best friends from The Institute for Transpersonal Psychology faculty. We are so excited to announce that Mark McCaslin and Fred Luskin will present at the NVW Grad Sessions, February 23 and September 20 respectively. Mark’s topic is Transpersonal Leadership and promises to transport, transform and transcend.

Just a thought…Suppose New Ventures West (NVW) and the Institute for Transpersonal Psy-chology (ITP) decided to create a vanity license plate to celebrate their partnership; what would it be? Some ideas: PINT VW, VIP TWIN, or how about WIP TV? Please submit your ideas to: grads@newventureswest.com.

Sarah KowalskiLynn MyhalLesly HigginsAnnelène DecauxMelanie PowellKen HomerKaren JackeCatherine RodriguezDJ AndersonLinda CurtisLinda JensenDawn BrownKirstin MacDougallBrenda GoodwinSafi JirohJessica Mussallem

Andrea DyerBart MillerGlen SeberaCarol TissonTheresa TongSteve MarchAmy KrymkowskiAnuradha MayerHeather NeelyRuben RodriguezDiane WoodsAnna BeuselinckKathy Burke Kathleen MarvinChristy Moses

South Africa Team:

Neville KainSharon JansenKim AscoughAlan JansenNicky HockeyKaren WhitePierre BesterColin AdamJanine Everson

Graduates Shoshana Rosenfeld & Heather Neely

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N V W G R A D U A T E D E P T

Want to support our current South African PCC students? They are facing the infamous Session Four…remember that? Did you have a nervous stomach, in-somnia, loss of appetite, indulgence in chocolates, hair falling out? ME NEITHER. On February 14 to 17, light a candle, send loving kindness, kill a goat…they will appreciate it (well, maybe not the “kill a goat” part). James will be making the long trek to head a panel and certify a whole new bunch of NVW coachs as South Africa graduates its second bunch of PCCers.

In Loving MemoryBruce B. Brown – lovely alliteration in name and physical expression – transformed into spirit on December 7, 2007. According to those who were with Bruce at the end of his life, one of his many joyful sharings included his PCC participation and subsequent certification in 2007. PCC Grad An-nette Segal, a lifelong friend to Bruce, visited him in hospice and became a compassionate compan-ion to him at the end of his life. Annette says Bruce’s journey had been hard, his lessons grave and his spirit often daunted. Yet the overwhelming love and support he found in his NVW community opened a portal for him that allowed this favorite poem to become his truth. Traveling mercies, sweet friend, and happy landings.

LOVE AFTER LOVE

The day will comewhen with elationYou will greet yourself arriving at your doorin your own mirror.

And each will smile at the other’s welcomesaying, “Sit here.” “Eat.” You will love againthe stranger who was yourself.Give wine, give breadGive back your heartto itself, to the strangerwho has loved you all your lifewhom you ignored for anotherwho knows you by heart.Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,the photographs,the desperate notesPeel your own image from the mirror. Sit. Feast.Feast on your life.

– Derek Walcott

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More transitions:Cooper Barr was born to PCC grad Christina and husband Riggs on Christmas Eve at 8:23 pm and he’s been making his parents smile ever since. Heck of a gift if you ask me. Oh…and an additional last-minute tax deduction.

Karen Kane, PCC grad, and husband Hugh welcome new baby girl Aubrey Lee Rand. She was born at home at 3:15 am on Saturday, November 24th. YES, you read it right, “home.” If those walls could talk. Apparently she weighed the size of a small turkey.

Advice from O’Sensei for Integral Coaches:“Depending on the circumstance, you should be: hard as a diamond, flex-ible as a willow, smooth-flowing like water, or as empty as space.”

“Foster and polish the warrior spirit while serving in the world; illuminate the path according to your inner light.”

In the WWDLD (What would the Dalai Lama do?) section:Several NVW grads offer pro bono work to LeaderSpring, an organiza-tion dedicated to supporting emerging Leaders in the non-profit sector. Get this: because of the impressive, exemplary and downright awesome work of these coaches, LeaderSpring has been awarded some mulah, green backs, scratch. CompassPoint Nonprofit Services, as part of its National Coaching and Philanthropy Project, funded by the W. K. Kellogg Foundation, has invited LeaderSpring to feature their Execu-tive Coaching Project as a model for potential replication around the country. Who says you can’t make a difference?

Portland Peeps…anybody out there? Amiel Handelsman emailed me the other day with an update I wanted to pass on to you. According to Amiel and wife Julie Endress, they are eager to hear from NVW grads or current PCC students in the Portland, Oregon area. They are part of a group of 11 PCC grads that meets every month for a potluck and discussion/practice. These folks have been gathering in this way for two and a half years. They are looking to expand the group…could be they are sick and tired of everyone bringing their same old tired casseroles, and are looking for some new recipes, or…well, you figure it out.

For all of yous Entrenadora, Entraineur, Insegnante, Onderwijzen, Heddoko-chi, and Kusk:Happy International Coaching Week, February 3-9. So far, Hallmark has not picked up on this holiday (don’t you think it’s just a matter of time?). Who says coaching isn’t mainstream—we have our own week!!! I just wonder how we are supposed to celebrate it…I know: look for our shadows!

That’s all for now.

Keepin’ it real,Ellen Myers KingDirector of Graduate Development

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