'Most of What Follows...' is a look inside

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A preview of 'Most of What Follows is a Complete Waste of Time': Monologues, Dialogues, Sketches and Other Writings, by N.F. Simpson

Transcript of 'Most of What Follows...' is a look inside

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26 N.F. SIMPSON

The Chinese BoxPunch, 1 December 1965

MR LONGSTOP, Minister for Foreign Relations (Kettlemarket, Labour)

MR J.T. BOWLER (Leatherbridge South, Labour)

MR BOUMINSTER-GULLY (Ambleport East, Conservative)

SIR ENOCH BATSMAN (Bournecaster, Labour)

MR REGINALD SCORER (Darlingside North, Conservative)

MR L.P. COVER (Southbaston, Labour)

The speaker took the chair at half past two o’clock.

BOWLER asked the Minister for Foreign Relations whether any request had been made by a private firm of cardboard-box manufacturers for permission to present Mao Tse-tung with one of its products as a gesture of goodwill from this country to the People’s Republic of China on the occasion of his forthcoming state visit to this country; and if so, what reply had been given.

LONGSTOP: As honourable members will no doubt be aware, China is a somewhat large country. (Laughter.) It is a country which has long been burdened, through a geographical accident which is no fault of its own, with a great deal more space than it can conveniently find room for. The government, therefore, is disposed to give favourable consideration to a suggestion by The New Era Box Manufacturing Company that a gift to the head of such a country might suitably take the form of an empty cardboard box, in which a little of this space could be stored away. Such a gift, it is felt, could make a very real contribution towards the lessening of tensions between East and West.

BOWLER: May we know from the Minister whether any kind of wish has been expressed by Mao Tse-tung for a cardboard box from The New Era Box Manufacturing Company?

LONGSTOP: To the best of my knowledge no approach of any kind has been made by Mao Tse-tung or any other head of state with a view to acquiring a cardboard box from this country. The initiative has been entirely with The New Era Box Manufacturing Company itself. Indeed, I should have

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thought it to be in the nature of a gesture of this kind that it should be both spontaneous and unexpected. (Cheers.)

BOUMINSTER-GULLY: Is the Minister entirely convinced that it is in the national interest to make presents to the heads of countries whose intentions towards us may or may not be friendly, of large cardboard boxes which could in all probability later be used against us?

LONGSTOP: In referring to ‘large cardboard boxes,’ the honourable member is, if I may say so, jumping the gun. No decision as to the size of the box has yet been arrived at. Discussions about it are still going on. As for its later being used against us, this is a contingency so remote as to be discounted.

BATSMAN: Can the Minister assure the House that due consideration will in fact be given to the question of size, bearing in mind not only the use to which the box is to be put, but the fact that it is to be presented to a man who is – whether we like it or not – the leader of some six hundred and fifty million people? The size ought surely to bear some relation to the importance and standing of the recipient. Perhaps there are precedents by which the Government could be guided in this matter?

LONGSTOP: No precedent, unfortunately, exists in this instance, and it is for this reason all the more necessary, as honourable members will readily appreciate, that we should act with the utmost tact and discretion. The New Era Box Manufacturing Company is itself aware of the extreme delicacy of the situation, and has in fact expressed a wish to co-operate fully with the government in this matter should the proposal be fully accepted. The crux of the difficulty lies in the fact that a box of adequate cubic capacity, bearing in mind the status of the recipient, would have to cover an area roughly equivalent to Regent’s Park and be two miles high. In the view of the government, a box constructed on this scale might well prove an embarrassment to the recipient and so defeat its own purpose.

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28 N.F. SIMPSON

SCORER: Can those of us who have doubts about the wisdom of this whole venture be given an assurance that what is intended as a bona fide gesture of goodwill will not be allowed to degenerate into a piece of plain, old-fashioned appeasement? (Some opposition cheers.)

LONGSTOP: There is a very clear distinction between a gesture of goodwill and an act of appeasement, and the government is fully aware of the need to see that this distinction does not become in any way blurred. (Government cheers.)

SCORER: Will the Minister enlarge a little on the actual measures he envisages to ensure this?

LONGSTOP: Honourable members may rest assured that we shall be watching Mao Tse-tung’s reaction very closely at the time the presentation of the box is made, and that any abatement of hostility seen to be occasioned by it will be subjected to the closest possible scrutiny. It may well be that as a result of this we shall find it necessary to offset the effect of the gift by some action of a less friendly nature. In this connection several possibilities are under consideration, including the pulling away of his chair as he is about to sit down in it. The situation, however, is complicated by the equally paramount need to avoid going too far in the other direction and actually intensifying his hostility. This might well take us over the edge into deliberate provocation. We must aim to strike as exact a balance as possible, if we are to avoid the charge on the one hand of appeasement and on the other of provocation. The most practicable solution would seem to be some kind of body blow, delivered to the solar plexus at the same time as the gift is made, and with such force as is appropriate having in mind the size of the box. The two will then, it is hoped, cancel each other out.

BATSMAN: In view of the extreme difficulty of judging with any exactitude the force of the blow within such fine limits as would be required, does the Minister not think that the blow should be delivered first, and the size of the box determined subsequently from this?

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LONGSTOP: Such a possibility is one of a number which are before the government, but the principle which has been adopted is that the force of the blow should be determined by the size of the box, and not vice versa.

COVER: Can the Minister tell us what is to be done about the space inside the box? Is this also to go to Mao Tse-tung? And if so, is it not a thoroughly irresponsible action on the part of the government to allow this to happen in view of the permanent state of overcrowding which exists in these islands?

LONGSTOP: The space inside the box will of course remain the property of Her Majesty’s government, and is not intended to form any part of the gift to Mao Tse-tung, which is of a cardboard box only. The onus of providing the space with which to fill it will be upon Mao Tse-tung himself. I cannot say that I envisage his encountering any insuperable difficulty here. China, as I have already pointed out to honourable members, is a large country.

BATSMAN: Would the minister not agree that, notwithstanding the somewhat carping spirit in which certain honourable members have received this very generous proposal, The New Era Box Manufacturing Company is to be congratulated on its public-spirited action? (Some government and opposition cheers.)

LONGSTOP: I for one would be happy to associate myself with such a sentiment. As I have repeatedly made clear, this is an issue – whatever decision about it we may finally arrive at – which has no political significance whatever. It is simply and solely a gesture of goodwill made by private enterprise on its own initiative and on behalf of us all as a contribution towards the easing of tension between East and West. (Cheers.) As such, I think it is heartily to be applauded. (Cheers.) We on our side will have done our part. The rest will be up to Mao Tse-tung.