Modern Family

"Inked"

by

Patrick Lawless

patlawless83@hotmail.com

184 Hazelville Rd,Hall Green,Birmingham, B28 9QE(+44) 0121 745 9406

ACT ONE

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Phil is balancing spoons on his face. Claire enters.

CLAIREWhat are you doing?

PHILPracticing.

The spoons fall.

PHIL (CONT'D)Son of a bagel!

Alex enters, on her way to the basement. She carries bedsheets.

ALEXI feel so hungover.

CLAIREYou were drinking?! Did you throwup on those sheets?

PHILAlex, we're so proud of you.

ALEXNo. I was up all night crammingfor a test. I spilled coffee.

Claire and Phil share a look of disappointment. Alex exits.Luke enters, laughing on his phone.

CLAIREPhil, I thought you took his phone?

PHILNo. He told me you had it.

PHIL & CLAIRE INTERVIEW

CLAIRELuke's been hanging out with thisboy, Jack Brady.

PHILHe's the coolest kid in Luke'sgrade.

2.

CLAIREThey were caught smoking at school.It's so unlike Luke. Obviouslythis Brady kid's a bad influence...I heard he was arrested forshoplifting razor blades.

PHILReally? He's already shaving?

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

As before.

CLAIREHang it up, Luke.

LUKE(into phone)

It's just my mom.(then)

You really think so?

Luke looks terrified of Claire, momentarily.

LUKE (CONT'D) (into phone)

Oh... I thought you said witch.

Claire snatches Luke's phone. Hangs up.

LUKEGive it back!

CLAIRENo. It's confiscated, and you'regrounded. Remember?

LUKEThis is so unfair! I'm going tomy room.

Luke starts out.

PHILHey, buddy, what about my recordattempt? You promised to film it.

Luke exits.

CLAIRE(calling off)

Luke, get back here and play withyour father!

3.

PHILIt's OK. He won't last long upthere. There's nothing to do sinceyou took his videogames.

(off her look)I'll go and get them.

Phil exits. Alex returns, staring at her phone.

CLAIREIs Haley up? She's supposed to behelping me clean today.

ALEXShe's not down there.

CLAIREReally?

ALEXUh-huh.

(re: phone)Oh my God, she's getting a tattoo.

CLAIREWhere?

Claire grabs her keys.

ALEXI'm guessing lower back.

CLAIRENo. Where's the tattoo place? Ican't believe she didn't tell me.

Alex checks phone.

ALEXShe doesn't say. She probablythought you'd just --

A door slams. Alex looks up. Claire's gone.

ALEX (CONT'D)...freak out.

INT. JAY & GLORIA'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Gloria feeds Fulgencio. Jay enters with the tv remote.

4.

JAYGloria, I wanna record the gametonight, but the DVR's full ofDancing with the Stars.

GLORIASo record over them.

JAYAnd delete one Manny hasn't seen?Last time I did that he sent mehate poetry.

GLORIAHe said he was going outside topaint the fence.

JAYYou're kidding me? I've beenasking him for weeks to do that --Where's my camera? I gotta get apicture.

EXT. JAY & GLORIA'S HOUSE - YARD - MOMENTS LATER

Jay exits the house, fidgeting with a camera.

JAYWho are you, and what have youdone with the real Man --

REVEAL, Manny is stood behind an easel painting a picture ofthe fence.

MANNYHi, Jay. Good news! I'm paintingagain.

JAY(to self)

And he's back.

INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON'S DUPLEX - KITCHEN - DAY

Mitchell fixes breakfast. Cameron folds clothes into bags.

MITCHELLThat cereal you like's on special.We should stock up.

CAMERONAre you sure?

5.

MITCHELLYeah, it's two for one.

CAMERONNo. Are you sure it's the one Ilike?

MITCHELLYou're still upset about that?

MITCHELL & CAMERON INTERVIEW

MITCHELLLast night we invited Longinesand his new boyfriend, Giles,over to play Mr. and Mr.

CAMERONIt's the gay version of that gamewhere couples compete to see howmuch they know about each other.

MITCHELLWe didn't do as well as Cam wouldhave liked.

Cameron coughs.

MITCHELL (CONT'D)I didn't do as well as Cam wouldhave liked -- It was supposed tobe fun.

FLASHBACK

INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON'S DUPLEX - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Cameron sits. Pepper plays game show host. Longines and hisboyfriend, GILES, are on the couch.

PEPPERStraight crush?

CAMERONMeryl Streep.

Buzz. Giles uses a wrong answer app on his phone.

PEPPERMitchell said Madonna.

CAMERONOh.

6.

PEPPERMost annoying habit?

CAMERONClowning.

Buzz.

CAMERON (CONT'D)What?!

PEPPEROver sensitivity.

Cameron starts to gasp but stops himself.

PEPPER (CONT'D)Favorite song?

CAMERONFinally, an easy one. It's thesong that was playing when we hadour first kiss --

(off their reactions)What's wrong?

PEPPERNothing... So long as your firstkiss was last year, because that'swhen this song was released.

Buzz.

GILESSorry. Finger slipped.

Cameron tears up and runs out. REVEAL, Mitchell sits at theend of the couch, wearing headphones and a blindfold.

END FLASHBACK

INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON'S DUPLEX - KITCHEN - DAY

The guys are as they were.

MITCHELLI really think you're overreacting.

CAMERONI'm sorry. But it's not every dayyou learn your fiance knowsabsolutely nothing about you.Zero. Zilch. Nada.

7.

MITCHELLI know you're prone to exaggeration.

CAMERONLongines and Giles have beentogether for two weeks, and theygot every question right. Two.Weeks. Mitchell.

(then, calling off)Lily, we're leaving.

MITCHELLWait. Are you leaving, leaving?

CAMERONReally, Mitchell?

(then)I'm taking Lily to your dad's.I've commissioned Manny to do herportrait. I told you days ago.

MITCHELLWhat's with the bags?

CAMERONSome old clothes we don't wearanymore. I'm giving them tocharity. Perhaps you'd like tolook through them first?

MITCHELLNo, that's OK. I trust yourjudgment.

CAMERONI wish I could say the same aboutyou.

Cameron exits with a huff.

INT. JAY & GLORIA'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Jay reads the paper at the breakfast bar, Manny is theresketching him.

JAYDo you know how irritating thatis? I can feel your eyes all overme.

Gloria enters, crosses to the fridge.

8.

GLORIAHappens to me everywhere I go. Idon't cry about it.

MANNYDon't be so coy, Jay. You have aninteresting face. There're a lotof stories in those wrinkles.

JAYKeep it up and there'll be onethat doesn't end well for you.

MANNYWay to take a compliment.

GLORIAOh, Pappi. Jay is not capable ofself expression. He cannotappreciate art or great artists,like you.

JAYI can appreciate art. I just don'tthink the kid's that good.

GLORIAHow dare you! My son is twice theartist you'll ever be!

JAYActually...

MANNYWow. I don't recall attending anyof your exhibitions.

JAYYou mean like the ones you hoston the refrigerator?

MANNYYou never complain about thecomplimentary wine and cheese.

JAYIt's the only reason I show up.

(then)I dunno what's so hard to believe.I'm pretty good with my hands.

GLORIANot as good as you think.

9.

JAYOkay, how about this?

(to Manny)Cam's paying you for this doodleof Lily, right?

MANNYPortrait.

JAYWhatever. We'll both do one. Tellhim you did two, then let himpick a winner.

MANNYThis is art, Jay. There are nowinners.

JAYIf you win, I'll double whateverhe's paying you. And if I win,you have to paint that fence.What d'ya say?

Before Manny can answer...

GLORIAYou're on!

END OF ACT ONE

10.

ACT TWO

EXT. TATTOO PARLOR - DAY

B roll: Claire speeds into the parking lot. She jumps outleaving the car door open, and darts toward the shop.

CLAIRE V/OI had to stop Haley from gettingthat tattoo. I know she'spractically an adult, but Icouldn't let her do it. They lookcheap and tacky, and people canbe so judgmental.

CLAIRE INTERVIEW

CLAIREYou might think those Chinesecharacters on your arm say "Peace"or "Free spirit". But what itreally says, what all tattoosreally say is... "My parentsfailed me."

INT. TATTOO PARLOR - CONTINUOUS

A TATTOOIST is tattooing some guy's butt. Claire bursts in.The tattooist jumps.

CLAIRE(quickly)

Hi. Sorry. Excuse me. I desperatelyneed to find my daughter. Here.Her picture's on my phone...

Claire roots in her purse. Shows phone.

TATTOOIST(without looking)

I ain't about to start givin' upinformation to crazy ladies tryingto stop their kids gettin' inked.

CLAIREWell I'm not crazy and that's notwhat I'm doing.

(thinks, then)Look I haven't heard from her inweeks and I'm worried she's indanger. Please. Have you seen her?

The tattooist relents. Looks.

11.

TATTOOISTNah.

CLAIREOh thank God.

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - HALLWAY

Phil knocks on Luke's door.

PHILHey, buddy, can I come in?

Luke opens the door.

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - LUKE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Phil enters and sits with Luke on the bed.

PHILI know your mom's being a realharshmellow about you hanging outwith Jack.

LUKEHe's not even that bad.

PHILI bet being buds with him bringsyou a lot of cred, doesn't it?

LUKEI s'pose.

PHILNobody wants to be one of theschool's losers. I should know, Iused to let a lot of them sitwith me in the cafeteria.

(then)Hey, maybe you could invite Jackand his parents over for dinner?Give your mom and me a chance toget to know them.

LUKEHis dad's in prison. I think hegets out soon though. Maybe wecould wait till then?

12.

PHIL(definitely not)

We'll think about it.(then)

Just promise to keep yourself outof trouble. Deal?

LUKEI guess.

Phil takes a phone from his pocket, it's Luke's.

PHILHere. I swiped it from your mom.Don't let her see you with it.

LUKESweet.

PHILNow how about we break a record?

INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON'S DUPLEX - BEDROOM - DAY

Mitchell is rifling through drawers and flinging clothesonto the bed. Cameron arrives home (OS).

CAMERON (OS)Mitchell!

MITCHELLIn here, Cam.

Cameron appears in the doorway.

MITCHELL (CONT'D)I'm looking for an old shirt.It's white with blue flowers on.Have you seen it?

CAMERONCheck the wardrobe.

Mitchell crosses to the wardrobe. Checks.

CAMERON (CONT'D)I've been thinking about the othernight. Maybe I am being a littleoversensitive.

MITCHELL(re: wardrobe)

No...

13.

CAMERONGreat. So you agree I was rightto be upset?

MITCHELL(re: wardrobe)

...It's not in here.(then)

What were you saying?

CAMERON(realizes)

Check the laundry bag.

Mitchell crosses to the foot of the bed and empties a laundrybag.

CAMERONIt's just... You know what theysay about couples? How one'salways more into it than theother...

MITCHELLNope...

CAMERONReally? It's a fairly well known --

MITCHELL...It's not in here either.

CAMERONGosh, dang it! What the heck isso important about this shirt?

Mitchell sits.

MITCHELLNothing really, unless you countsentimental value?

Cameron sits next to Mitchell.

CAMERONYou know I do.

MITCHELLIt's the shirt I bought for ourfirst date. I haven't worn it inyears, but I can't bring myselfto throw it away.

(then)You don't think..?

14.

CAMERONWhat?

MITCHELLMaybe you put it in one of thosecharity bags? Because if you have,it's okay. I'm sure I'll get overit.

Cameron contemplates.

CAMERONOh my God, Mitchell. What have Idone?

MITCHELLReally. It's no big deal.

Cameron jumps up and runs screaming into the hall...

INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON'S DUPLEX - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

...Mitchell follows him out.

CAMERONCall the charity. I'll try andcatch up with their truck!

MITCHELLCam, wait.

CAMERONCan we call the police?

MITCHELLI made it up!

Cameron stops.

CAMERONWhat?

MITCHELLI made it up. There is no shirt.I just wanted to show you howannoying it can be when peopleattach more importance to thingsthan they deserve.

Awkward beat. Cameron seethes.

MITCHELL (CONT'D) (jovial, waving finger)

So let that be a lesson to ya.

15.

Without a word, Cameron walks briskly into the bedroom andslams the door.

INT. JAY & GLORIA'S HOUSE - DAY

Jay and Manny stand behind easels, sketching with charcoal.Lily sits, fidgeting. Gloria is there.

JAYDammit, Lilly, could you sit still?You're ruining my picture.

MANNYActually, I think it's you ruiningher picture.

JAYAnd where are my glasses? It'sfunny how they went missing allof a sudden, Gloria.

GLORIAI never touched your stupid glasses!

MANNYI gotta admit, Jay, I didn't thinkyou'd be getting your excuses inthis early.

JAY INTERVIEW

Jay grins, smugly.

JAYI couldn't resist messing withthem... It's in the bag... Earlier,when Manny went to change intoone of his smocks...

INT. JAY & GLORIA'S HOUSE - EARLIER

Lily sits as before, Jay points a camera and takes a picture.

JAYRemember, not a word. Oh, andfidget as much as you can.

Jay gives Lily ten dollars.

LILYI thought we said twenty?

Jay gives her another ten, reluctantly.

16.

INT. JAY & GLORIA'S HOUSE - OFFICE - EARLIER

Jay is on the computer.

JAY V/OI sent a snap of Lily to this guyonline. He does portraits fromphotos. He's bringing the pictureby this afternoon. All I have todo is switch it for mine when thetime's right.

JAY INTERVIEW RESUMED

JAYI've never been much of an artist,but I am one hell of a con artist.

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - DEN - DAY

Phil balances spoons on his face. Luke films with a camera.

PHILThe record's seventeen. The kidwas practically born with a facefor hanging spoons.

Luke's phone beeps, he checks it.

PHIL (CONT'D)Hey, buddy, get your head in thegame here. If this isn't filmedright they'll disqualify me andthe whole thing will have been abig waste of time.

(re: phone)Who is it? Jack?

LUKEYeah. He wants his gun back.

Phil jumps. Spoons fall off.

PHILHe loaned you a gun!

LUKEIt's just a BB gun.

Phil sighs, half disappointed.

LUKE (CONT'D)I think I mighta lost it.

17.

Luke starts out.

PHILWhere are you going?

LUKETo look for it.

PHILBut what about my record?

LUKEI dunno, dad. This whole thing iskinda lame.

Luke exits. Phil looks crushed.

B-ROLL

Claire bursts into another tattoo parlor, shows Haley'spicture. No luck.

Claire enters yet another tattoo parlor.

Claire exits a tattoo parlor.

CLAIRE V/OThere must be hundreds of tattooplaces in this city. After aboutthe third or fourth one It dawnedon me...

CLAIRE INTERVIEW

CLAIREI was acting crazy. I'd been sopreoccupied, rushing from placeto place. What was I thinking?

(beat)With Phil looking too, we couldcover twice the ground.

INT. CLAIRE'S CAR - DAY

Claire drives. Her phone's on hands free.

PHIL (VO)(over phone, depressed)

Yello.

CLAIREPhil, did you know Haley's gettinga tattoo?

18.

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - DEN - SAME TIME

Phil sits, looking at old pictures of him and Luke.

PHIL(into phone)

Really? That's cool. Did you knowLuke doesn't think I'm cool anymore?

INTERCUT, with Claire's car.

CLAIREGet it together, Phil. I need youto help me find her before shedoes something I'll regret forthe rest of my life.

PHIL(into phone)

What do you want me to do? Driveall over town like some crazyperson?

CLAIREYes. And bring Luke. The way he'sbeen acting lately, I don't trusthim out of our sight.

INT. CLAIRE'S CAR - SAME TIME

A siren sounds behind Claire. Police lights flash.

CLAIREGreat. I've got to go. Get looking,Phil.

Claire pulls over. She roots for papers in the glovecompartment. A TRAFFIC COP raps on the window, she opens it.

TRAFFIC COPLicense and registration.

She hands over documents.

CLAIREI was speeding, right? Do youthink you could hurry up and giveme the ticket? I'm kinda in arush to stop my daughter from --

TRAFFIC COPFREEZE!

The cop pulls his gun.

19.

CLAIREOh my God.

END OF ACT TWO

20.

ACT THREE

INT. JAIL - A LITTLE LATER

Claire's in handcuffs. She struggles as the traffic cop leadsher towards a BOOKING OFFICER's desk.

CLAIREThis is ridiculous. You'rearresting me for a child's toy.

TRAFFIC COP(to booking officer)

She had this sticking out underthe passenger seat. She's luckyto be alive.

The traffic cop puts an evidence bag, containing a BB gun,on the desk. The booking officer shakes his head at Claire.

CLAIREI had no idea it was there. Myson must have been dropped it.

The booking officer examines the BB gun.

BOOKING OFFICERIt's amazing how realistic theymake these things.

TRAFFIC COPTell me about it. The amount oftimes I've reached into thisholster and pulled out my kid'swater pistol.

BOOKING OFFICERPut her in four.

The traffic cop leads Claire toward the cells.

CLAIREWait! What about my phone call?

The cop bundles her into a cell and exits.

CLAIRE (CONT'D)Please. I have to stop my daughterfrom destroying herself withhideous tattoos!

Someone coughs behind Claire. She turns. A mean lookingTATTOOED GIRL sits on a bench.

21.

CLAIRE (CONT'D)(to self)

Oh, boy.

INT. JAY & GLORIA'S HOUSE - DAY

Manny waits as Jay puts the finishing touches to his picture.Lily still sits.

MANNY(to Jay)

C'mon, Jay. What's the hold up?

JAYDon't rush me. It's finished whenIt's finished.

Gloria enters, hanging up the phone.

GLORIAMitch and Cam are on their way.

Jay puts his charcoal down.

JAYOK. Show me what you got?

MANNYWithout further ado, allow me topresent, a work of charcoal onpaper, entitled --

JAYJust show us the damn picture.

Manny turns his easel.

MANNYTa dah.

GLORIAManny, it's excellent. But whydoes she look so miserable?

Lily wears a bored expression in the picture.

MANNYI drew what I saw.

REVEAL, Lily sits wearing the exact same expression.

GLORIABeat that, Jay!

22.

JAYBefore I show you mine, you shouldknow that I wasn't exactly workingfrom the best angle over here.The light's not as good, and Ithink I might be on Lily's bad side.

MANNYDo you know how insulting that is?We were using the same light, andI'm definitely the one on Lily'sbad side.

LILYYou're both on my bad side.

GLORIAJay, turn the weasel!

Jay turns his easel, revealing a professional lookingportrait of Lily, smiling. Jay beams.

JAYWhat d'ya think?

MANNYIt's not bad.

JAYNot bad? It's a masterpiece. Itold you I had this.

The doorbell rings. Gloria answers. Cameron enters, followedby Mitchell.

MITCHELL(to Cameron)

Again, I'm sorry about the wholeshirt thing. It was a horribletrick to play.

CAMERONYes, it was. But I'm willing tomove on and forget about it...I'm just glad we could agree thatI was right all along.

Cameron crosses to the portraits.

MITCHELLWait. That's not what I said.

23.

GLORIA(to Mitchell)

What happened?

MITCHELLHe's upset about some stupid gamewe played last night.

Cameron arrives at the portraits.

CAMERONWhy are there two pictures?

MANNYThis may sound weird but --

JAYHe wants you to pick the best one.

Mitchell and Gloria arrive at the pictures.

GLORIA(to Mitchell)

What game did you play last night?

JAYGloria, I don't think we wanna know.

MITCHELLHe thinks I don't know him wellenough. He's being ridiculous.

CAMERONAm I, Mitchell? Pick a picture.

MITCHELLWhat?

CAMERONPick the one you think I'd pick.

MITCHELLThat's stupid.

GLORIANo. It's a great idea. That wayyou can prove to Cameron how wellyou know him. Maybe choose theone that best represents Lily.

Gloria moves next to Manny's picture.

MITCHELLC'mon. This doesn't prove anything.

24.

JAYJust pick a damn picture!

Mitchell studies the pictures. He contemplates.

MITCHELLThis one.

He indicates Jay's. Everyone looks to Cameron for a reaction.Jay grins, encouragement. Gloria scowls, disapproval.

CAMERONThe other one was much moreexpressive!

Cameron tears up and runs off.

JAYYou gotta be kidding me!

Gloria celebrates.

MITCHELL (to Gloria)

What's wrong with you?

INT. PHIL'S CAR - DAY

Phil drives, Luke's in the passenger seat.

PHILSorry, buddy, but your mom said Ihad to bring you.

LUKEI don't understand why she wantsto stop Haley. Tattoos are awesome.

PHILI know, right?

LUKEJack did his own with a compassand a sharpie.

PHILCool.

LUKEIt got infected.

PHILEwww.

25.

LUKEHow come you never got one? Is itbecause you're scared of mom?

PHILWhat? Your mom doesn't Claireme.... I might seem super chilled,but I can be pretty tough when Ihave to. Believe.

LUKESo why don't you get one?

PHILBecause I'm terrified of needles.

INT. JAIL - CELL - DAY

Claire sits with the tattooed girl.

CLAIREI think I'm more upset that shedid it without talking to me first.

TATTOOED GIRLCan you blame her? Look at theway you's acting.

CLAIREI thought we'd turned a corner,like she was starting to seethings my way.

TATTOOED GIRLMaybe she needs you to respectthe way she sees things?

CLAIREI guess you're right. But I stillthink she's making a mistake withthe tattoos... no offense.

TATTOOED GIRLYou remind me of my moms. Shehated my ink. I got one of her onmy back... Here, I'll show you --

Tattooed girl turns round, starts to lift her shirt.

CLAIRENo! That's okay. I'll take yourword for it. How's yourrelationship with your mom now?

26.

TATTOOED GIRLShe's dead...

CLAIREOh I'm sorry.

TATTOOED GIRL...to me.

Claire sits back and contemplates.

INT. TATTOO PARLOR - SAME TIME

Phil is on the phone. He has a weird grin on his face.

PHIL(into phone)

OK. Bye, honey.(hangs up)

Your mom got arrested. We've gotto go bail her out.

LUKE (OS)Cool! I'll message Jack.

PHILMaybe when this is done you cansend him a picture...

REVEAL, Phil is lying in the tattooist's chair. The tattooartist is airbrushing a temporary tattoo onto Phil's flank.Luke's on his phone.

EXT. DUNPHY HOUSE - DAY

Claire, Phil, and Luke pull into the driveway. They get outand head into the house. Phil and Claire, arm in arm.

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

They enter the house. The whole family are there, includingHaley. They all shout: "SURPRISE"

HALEYHappy anniversary!

CLAIREBut? The tattoo?

ALEXThat was Haley's idea. We neededa way to get you out of the house.

27.

PHILBut our anniversary's not foranother week.

(unsure)Right, Claire?

CLAIREYeah.

Phil's relieved.

ALEXI knew I should have checked.

HALEYWhat? The party isn't a surpriseif we throw it on the right date.

Mitchell approaches Cameron.

MITCHELLCam, we really need to talk.

Cameron's phone rings.

CAMERONI'm sorry, Mitchell. I've got totake this.

Cameron exits to the hallway.

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

Jay's at the fridge. Luke checks his phone. Manny enterscarrying his portrait.

MANNYHere, Luke. I thought maybe youcould use this for target practice.

Manny offers Luke the picture.

LUKEWith what? Jack's BB gun's in apolice evidence locker.

Luke exits.

MANNYI can't even give it away!

Jay approaches Manny.

28.

JAYHey. You spent all day on thisand now you want to shoot it?

MANNYSave it, Jay. We both know thatyour picture was way better thanmine. I've been practicing foryears and I can't compete withsomething you reeled off in anafternoon. I'm a failure as anartist.

Jay sighs.

JAYI cheated.

MANNYWhat?

JAYThat wasn't my picture. I paidsomeone else to do it.

MANNYReally?

JAYYeah. And for what it's worth, Ithought yours was better.

Jay reaches into his pocket and takes out some cash.

JAY (CONT'D)So how much was Cam paying you?

MANNYOne hundred.

JAYWhat?

MANNYI believe we agreed double?

Jay reluctantly hands the money over.

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - DEN - MOMENTS LATER

Phil stands. Luke approaches.

29.

LUKEHey, dad. D'ya wanna take anothershot at that record? I thought ofa new technique.

PHILNo, you were right. It's lame.Besides, wouldn't you rather hangwith Jack?

LUKENo. He's not speaking to mebecause of the gun.

Phil puts an arm round Luke.

PHILSo this new technique sounds cool.

LUKEIt involves glue.

PHILI don't think that's allowed.

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

Mitchell's picking at finger foods. Cameron approaches,holding his phone.

CAMERONThere you are.

(re: phone call)That was Longines. He and Gilesjust broke up. He's devastated.

MITCHELLOh my God, that's horrible --

(off Cameron)Why are you smiling?

CAMERONI'm not.

MITCHELLYes, you are. You're practicallygrinning.

30.

CAMERONOK. Maybe it makes me feel a bitbetter about our situation. Youmight not know anything about me,but we've lasted longer than twominutes together, so somethingmust be right.

(then)Oh. Who ate all the goujons?They're my --

MITCHELLFavorite. I know, I saved you some.

Mitchell reveals a plate of goujons.

CAMERONOh, Mitchell.

Cameron tears up and throws his arms around Mitchell.

MITCHELLJeez, you really like them, don'tyou?

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - DEN - MOMENTS LATER

Everyone's there.

CLAIREI'm just glad the tattoo was ahoax. It was a hoax wasn't it?

HALEYYeah. But now I kinda want one.

CLAIREOver my dead body.

GLORIAAy. What's wrong with the tattoos?

CLAIRENothing if you're in a motorcyclegang, or a stripper.

Gloria storms off.

CLAIRE (CONT'D)She's got one, hasn't she?

Jay nods, yes.

31.

PHILIt's on her upper thigh.

(off Claire and Jay)I think.

END OF ACT THREE

32.

TAG

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - PHIL & CLAIRE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Claire's in bed. Phil gets ready.

CLAIRESince this is our unofficialanniversary. How about we...

PHILI'll hit the light.

Phil starts towards the switch.

CLAIRENo... Leave it on.

PHILI think I'd be more comfortablewith it off.

CLAIREIs that thing back?

PHILNo.

CLAIREThen what are you hiding?

Phil coyly removes his shirt, revealing the tattoo.

PHILIt's temporary.

Claire pounces on Phil, they start making out.

PHIL(making out)

I could make it permanent.

CLAIRE(making out)

Absolutely not.

END OF SHOW