MODERN FAMILY - Sacrificial Treasures

31
MODERN FAMILY "Sacrificial Treasures" Written by Dillan Nguyen Dillannguyen@gmail.com September 04, 2011

Transcript of MODERN FAMILY - Sacrificial Treasures

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MODERN FAMILY

"Sacrificial Treasures"

Written by

Dillan Nguyen

[email protected] September 04, 2011

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ACT ONE

INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON’S DUPLEX - LIVING ROOM - DAY

Cameron is sitting at the dining table focused on his laptop.

Mitchell is in a hurry to get things packed. Lily is off inthe background playing with finger paint.

MITCHELL(rushed)

Now, are you positive you canhandle Lily by yourself for the week?

CAMERON(without looking up)

Yes, yes, of course. Don’t you fretover that. You just worry over

having to spend a week with yourfather.

(then)And Claire.

(then)I meant that in a fun way, ofcourse.

MITCHELLOkay, I only asked ‘cause your eyesare pretty glued to that screenright now instead of Lily.

CAMERONOh, Lily, of course. I totallyforgot to take the picture you took with her last week out of mycamera.

Cameron plugs in his camera and navigates the folders to findthe file.

MITCHELLNo, I meant Lily live, in person.

CAMERON(oblivious)Aw, would you look at this pictureof you two!

Cameron turns his laptop to reveal a picture of Lily andMitchell at the zoo. Mitchell is frightened of the monkeyatop of his head.

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CAMERON (CONT’D)Ooh, I’m making this my wallpaper,so I’ll always have my eyes onLily.

(then)And you.

MITCHELLCam, would you please look at Lily?

CAMERON(still looking at laptop)

I am --(looks up)

Oh, my!

Lily’s finger painting has gotten out of control. She haspaint all over her. She’s about to put her paint-coveredfinger into her mouth. Cameron rushes over from his computer

to stop her.

CAMERON (CONT’D)Oh, sweetie, no. Now we’ve got toget you cleaned up.

He picks her up and goes to sit back down at his laptop.

MITCHELLCam, you have to clean her up now.That paint’s going to dry upquickly, and you’re going to bespending the whole week cleaning

that paint off her.

Lily is about to put her hand in her mouth again beforeMitchell stops her.

CAMERONI can’t leave now, this auction isabout to end.

MITCHELLSo?

MITCHELL & CAMERON INTERVIEW

CAMERON(to Mitch)

“So?”(to camera)

I’m in a heated war right now witha lowlife who dares to outbid me.

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Cameron turns his head as the camera pans out to revealMitchell looking at the auction page on Cameron’s laptop.

MITCHELL(staring at laptop screen)

I still don’t see what’s so amazing

about this vase. The only thingspecial about the vase is itsoutrageous price tag.

CAMERON(excitedly looks to thecamera)

It’s a 19th century one-of-a-kindhandmade Artesian vas (vase).

(looks back at Mitch)Not like you would know.

INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOUSE - DEN - DAY

Gloria sits on the couch frustrated with her iPad in hand asJay is in the background begrudgingly making sure he haseverything packed. Manny is also packing in the background.

GLORIA Uh!

JAYYou’re mad you couldn’t go with me,too, huh?

GLORIA Huh? No, some bonehead wants to gohead-to-head with me on eBay. He makes me so mad!

JAYOkay. Glad to see you’re concernedabout me.

GLORIA Jay, spending a week with yourchildren is nothing to be concerned

over! You spent most of your lifeliving with them.

Gloria looks up with concern and is silently counting withher fingers.

JAYWell, actually, I spent most oftheir childhood locked up in myoffice -- Hey, hey, wait a minute!

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You’re referring to my age withthat counting, aren’t you?! Youthink I’m old!

GLORIA What, Jay? Of course not! Your

heart is still young to me! Andthat’s the only thing that our loveneeds.

She walks over to hug Jay.

JAY(still in hug, thenshowing confusion)

So what about the rest of my body?

Gloria’s iPad chimes. Gloria leaves Jay mid-kiss to check onthe auction’s status.

GLORIA Oh, darn it, Jay! You made me lose my vas. This is all your fault!

She throws the iPad onto the couch and storms off.

GLORIA (CONT’D)(yelling sarcastically)

I hope you have fun with Mitch andClaire, Jay!

Jay walks over to the couch.

JAYYeah, me, too.

Jay picks up the iPad as if to examine its condition.

JAY (CONT’D)Now, how do you work thisdoohickey?

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Phil is sipping his coffee at the counter as Claire walks infrantically finding things to pack. She notices Phil.

CLAIREPhil! You mind?

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JAY (CONT'D)

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PHILMind what? I’m just minding my ownbusiness over here.

(raising coffee cup)

CLAIRE

Yeah, exactly. You think you canhelp me pack?

PHILOh, right!

He puts down his coffee and walks over to help Claire pack.

PHIL (CONT’D)So what’s the occasion?

CLAIRE

No occasion. Why?

PHILThere has to be a reason you andyour brother are taking your dad toan air show for the whole week.

CLAIREThere’s no occasion, Phil.

PHILCome on, is it his birthday? ‘CauseI can run to the mall right now

 while I still have time.

CLAIREDrop it, Phil. Mitch and I justthought it’d be something great tosurprise him with last week atdinner.

PHILOh, so you three ran out of thingsto talk about at dinner.

CLAIREA little bit of that may havegotten the wheels turning.

The doorbell rings.

CLAIRE (CONT’D)Alright, bye, sweetie.

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Claire goes in for a kiss as Phil only gives a half-heartedkiss. There is clearly something on his mind. Claire takesher suitcase and heads for the front door.

PHILSee ya. Have fun, honey.

Phil walks over to the calendar.

PHIL (CONT’D)Is it Father’s Day? No one told me.

(bending over to look atthe calendar)

Okay, good.

Luke walks past Phil holding a shovel.

PHIL (CONT’D)(patting Luke’s head)

I still love you, little guy.

LUKEWhat?

PHILNothing, buddy. Say, what cha doin’ with that shovel?

LUKEJust diggin’.

PHIL

Did you tell mom -- Never mind, yougo ahead.

Phil proudly smiles.

PHIL INTERVIEW

PHILBeing the man of the house now, Idecided it’s time to don the pantsin the family and give Luke my

permission, so that I can assert myauthority around here. Besides, ifdigging is his hobby, I couldn’t beprouder. Yours truly used to winawards for digging.

INSERT: Old photos of a tween Phil in gardening attire,posing with tomato plants that he had just planted in thegarden in his backyard. He’s wearing gloves as he his holdinga trowel in one hand and a watering can in the other.

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PHIL (CONT’D)Sure, I only dug with a trowel, butI figure Luke has potential to be abig gardening enthusiast, and Ifind that it’s best to support him in whatever he decides to do.

INT. GLORIA’S CAR - DAY

Gloria is driving as Manny rides shotgun. Manny holds hisbackpack in his lap.

GLORIA I’m so proud of you, Manny! Yourfirst boy-girl sleepover.

MANNYIt’s not that big of a deal, mom.

GLORIA Of course it is! Don’t be scared.

MANNYI’m not.

GLORIA I’ve seen that look before, Manny.You always make that face whenyou’re nervous.

Reveal Manny’s face to show a clear nervous face. Manny

attempts to smile to thwart off any sense of nervousness.

MANNY(Re: face)

What, this? I always make this face when I’m excited.

GLORIA Oh, my boy’s growing up.

Gloria playfully rubs Manny’s head, messing up his hair.

MANNYOh, mom!

Manny opens his backpack to pull out his personal mirror. Hepulls out a stuffed bear.

MANNY (CONT’D)What the...? What is this?

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GLORIA What do you mean?

MANNYThis isn’t my bear.

GLORIA Of course that’s your bear. Look,the ear’s freshly torn off a littlefrom your teething -- Oh, wait a minute.

MANNYWe have to go back.

GLORIA We’re not going back. We’re alreadyalmost there.

MANNYHow am I supposed to sleep without my bear?

GLORIA Look, I’ll be back later to dropoff your bear.

MANNY(holding up pinky)

Promise?

GLORIA 

I promise you’ll see your bearbefore bedtime tonight.

Gloria is too busy driving to notice his pinky.

MANNYPinky promise, mom?

GLORIA I’m a bit busy right now, honey.

MANNY

I’m never going to see my beartonight.

INT. JAY’S CAR - DAY

Jay is driving as Mitchell and Claire are sitting in the backseat. It is dead silent. Jay looks as if he is tired ofMitchell and Claire already.

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CLAIREHey, we should listen to the radio.

(talking to Mitchell)I hear there’s this new stationthat only plays Madonna and relatedartists.

MITCHELLNo way! I love her!

CLAIREYeah, dad, can you turn on theradio to 101.5.

JAYSorry, kids, the radio’s broken.

MITCHELLReally? Didn’t you just get this

car?

JAYYeah, but it was used when I gotit.

MITCHELLBut it’s the 2011 model.

JAYYeah, well, it had 67 miles on it when I got it, so it’s still usedto me.

CLAIRENo, Mitch, it’s the 2012 model.They always release the next year’s models like several months inadvance of the new year.

MITCHELLReally? That’s interesting. So whatdo they do with the current year’s models that don’t sell when the newyear’s models come in. It’s not

like they can sell it as used ifit’s been sitting on the lot the whole time.

CLAIREWell, they usually have a salenearing the end of the cycle beforethe new models are released, andthat usually depletes their supplyof the current models.

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MITCHELLOh, so if I wanted a new car on thecheap, I should just wait to buythe current year’s model.

CLAIRE

Yeah, exactly. If a car doesn’tsell, I suppose the price wouldcome down low enough where anyonecould afford --

Jay is clearly bothered from their talking and quicklyinterrupts them.

JAYHey, guys! Why don’t we listen tothe radio.

Jay swiftly turns on the radio.

INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON’S DUPLEX - NEXT DAY

The doorbell rings. Cam opens the door to see Gloria at thedoor.

CAMERONWhy, hello, Gloria. What brings youby?

GLORIA (gloomy)

Hey, Cam. Lily left her stuffedbear at my house last week.

Gloria lifts up the bear to hand over to Cam.

CAMERONOh, thank you, Gloria. She’s beenlooking for this bear. I can’t waitto show it to her.

(noticing Gloria’ssadness)

What’s wrong, sweetie?

GLORIA Oh, Cameron! It hurts so much.

She abruptly hugs Cameron, surprising him.

CAMERONHere, come sit down, and we’lltalk.

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Cameron sets down the bear by the door and leads Gloriainside to sit down as she begins to tell her story.

GLORIA ...you see, I was talking to Jayabout his trip, comforting him and

assuring him it’ll be fun when allof a sudden some sneaky bastardstole the item I was watching forthe past two weeks.

CAMERONGirl, I hear you. I was in abidding war with some no-life loser who kept outbidding me on that vasover there.

Cameron points to the corner of the room near the front door where the vase he had just won sits on an end table. Gloria

gives a look of shock. Cameron sees her reaction andadoringly smiles at the vase.

CAMERON (CONT’D)It’s one of a kind, you know.Handcrafted from a 19th centartisan --

GLORIA I know what that is, Cameron!You’re the thief who stole thatfrom me.

CAMERONWhoa, Gloria, I won that fair andsquare.

GLORIA Only because Jay distracted me!

CAMERONLily kept on distracting me, but Istill kept my eyes on the prize.

GLORIA 

That’s great parenting, Cameron! Doyou even know where Lily is rightnow?

CAMERONOf course I do. She’s right overthere by the--

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Lily is playing with her bear left by the door. Her handaccidentally bumps into a leg of the end table of which thevase sits on. The vase wobbles.

CAMERON (CONT’D)Oh, no!

GLORIA Lily!

Cameron runs over to Lily. He picks up the vase as it isabout to fall over. He inspects the vase for any nicks.

GLORIA Cameron! Lily almost got hurt, andall you care about is your vas?!

Gloria gets her things to leave. As she heads towards thedoor, she picks up Lily.

GLORIA (CONT’D)You should be ashamed. I’m going to

take care of Lily until Mitch comeshome and has a long talk with you.

Cameron is shocked and torn as he is still holding the vase.Gloria and Lily leave. He sets down the vase. Before he couldeven take two steps, the door knocks again. He opens it tosee Gloria holding a crying Lily. There’s a gleam of hope inCameron’s eyes.

GLORIA (CONT’D)Hey, Cam, sorry to bother you sosoon, but could you please hand meher bear.

Cameron becomes disappointed as he hears the request. Hequickly hands Lily the bear without looking, and sheimmediately stops crying. Cameron is even more heartbroken.

GLORIA (CONT’D)Again, sorry, but I have to take --

CAMERON(to the point of nearlybreaking down into tears)

Just go already!

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - DEN - DAY

Phil is watching TV on the couch. Haley and Alex are millingabout the kitchen looking for something to eat. Phil gets upto find something to eat, also.

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PHILHey, girls.

(noticing Luke is missing)Where’s the third one?

HALEY

You mean Luke?

PHILYeah, I haven’t seen him inforever.

HALEYI don’t know. I assume he’s outhanging with his weird friends.

PHIL(looking at Alex)

Alex?

HALEYOh, ha ha, zing! Nice one, dad.

Alex gives Haley a furious look. She looks back at Phil.

PHILNo, I meant, do you know where heis?

ALEXCheck the backyard. That’s the lastplace I saw him.

Phil nods in agreement with her. He starts to head towardsthe back door.

HALEYHey, dad, is there any food aroundhere?

Phil is already in the zone.

PHILNot now, Haley. You can eat later.

HALEYI’ll die from starvation by then.

PHILWell, then you should’ve atesomething, sweetie.

Haley shows disbelief.

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EXT. DUNPHY HOUSE - BACKYARD - DAY

Phil sticks his head out the door to see that Luke is toobusy digging a nearly half foot hole to look up Phil’spresence.

PHILHey, buddy?

LUKEYeah?

PHILYou’re not burying a dead body, areyou?

LUKENo.

PHILOkay, good.

Phil walks completely out the door to reveal a shovel in hisother hand that was hidden behind the door before. Phil walksover to join Luke. Luke looks uncomfortable to be digging with his father.

PHIL (CONT’D)So what kind of plant are youplanning to plant with a hole thisdeep, son?

LUKEI’m not gardening, dad.

Phil looks heartbroken. He stops digging. His voice istrembling.

PHILYou’re not. Hmm, may I ask why not?

LUKEUhhh, I’m just digging for fun.

Phil’s eye light up again.PHIL

Alright, I guess I could get intothat.

END OF ACT ONE

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ACT TWO

INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOUSE - DEN/MITCHELL & CAMERON’S DUPLEX -DAY

Gloria is playing with Lily with her stuffed bear. The phonerings. Gloria goes to answer the phone. This conversationgoes back and forth between locations as necessary.

CAMERONGloria, before you say anything, Ijust want to say I’m sorry foreverything. From the thing with thevas to neglecting Lily. It was all my fault.

GLORIA (sarcasm)

That is a very bold thing for yousay over the phone, Cameron.

CAMERONAnyway, I called to tell you that Iplan on selling this vase, and thatthe listing is already on eBay.Could you please put my daughter onthe phone for me?

GLORIA Okay, hold on.

Gloria brings the phone to Lily. Cameron can hear her coosand murmurs over the phone and almost breaks into tears.

CAMERONSweetie? Daddy’s sick right now,and he’ll be right over to pick youup once he feels better.

Lily coos again over the phone. Cameron then begins to bawlhis eyes out.

CAMERON (CONT’D)

(sobbing)Daddy loves you, too!

Even more murmuring.

CAMERON (CONT’D)Yes, I know Gloria’s a good person,and she’s only doing this toprotect you. You just stay strongfor daddy right now, alright?

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Gloria takes back the phone to talk to Cameron.

GLORIA Trust me, Cameron. I’m takingreally good care of Lily right now.You just relax.

CAMERON(clearing his eyes andthroat)

Thanks again for taking Lily,Gloria. Who knows what would’vehappened to this one-of-a-kind vasif I had kept Lily.

GLORIA Oh, Cameron.

(shaking her head)I’ll see you tomorrow.

The conversation hangs up.

EXT. PARK - DAY

Jay is sitting in the bleachers with Mitchell and Claire. Jaylooks distressed from the car ride. He is using binoculars toview the air show. Mitchell and Claire are fighting over thesecond pair of binoculars.

MITCHELLClaire! It’s my turn to use the

binoculars!

CLAIRENo, it’s not. I just got it!

MITCHELLYou had it for the past twenty minutes!

CLAIREWhat? No way! Who taught you how totell time? A crackhead after doing

a line?MITCHELL

(pointing to the sky)Look, Claire! You’re making me missthe flips, again!

CLAIREAlright, fine, you big baby.

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Jay sighs. He stands up to go to the concession stand.

JAYHere, Claire.

He hands Claire his binoculars. She brightens up.

JAY (CONT’D)I’m going to go get something todrink. You two want anything?

Mitchell and Claire both don’t look down as they gaze intotheir binoculars at the aerobatic displays.

MITCHELLNo, thanks.

CLAIRENaw, I’m fine.

JAY (CONT’D)Alright, suit yourself.

EXT. DUNPHY HOUSE - BACKYARD - DAY

Phil and Luke are hard at work. Their hole is already twofeet deep.

PHILThis is pretty fun. Digging wasnever as fun as the actual plantingpart of gardening. You having fun?

LUKE

(indifferent)Yeah, tons.

Haley and Alex walk to the porch.

HALEYDad, we’re so hungry right now.

PHILNot now, girls. The boys are busyright now.

ALEXThere’s like nothing to eat in thishouse, dad.

PHILJust a minute.

HALEYUh!

ALEXWhy is this family so crazy?

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Haley and Alex storm back into the house.

LUKEActually, I’m pretty hungry, too,dad.

PHILYeah, me, too. I almost passed outjust then. This is so much fun,though.

LUKEMy head feels woozy.

PHIL(nurturing)

Oh. Oh, okay, buddy. Let’s go findthe money mom left us and ordersome pizza.

EXT. PARK - DAY

Jay is line at the concession stand. Unsupervised childrenare in line behind him. They are running around playing withtoy airplanes.

KID #1(re: Jay)

Hey, mister, you’re old.

KID #2

Yeah, what are you doing at a planeshow?

JAY(fake cheerful)

Well, you see, I was a pilot, andin Vietnam, I used to fly --

Kid #1 blows a raspberry before Jay could finish.

KID #2No one cares about the past, oldie!

The kids continue to play with their planes. They run pastJay in the line bumping into him with their plane-holdingarms. They cut Jay in line. Jay says nothing, lookingcrestfallen. He reminisces about the past.

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INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOUSE - DAY

The doorbell rings. Gloria opens the door, surprised to seeCameron.

CAMERON

Hey, Glor, I’m happy to say that Ifinally got rid of that stupidvase.

GLORIA (nervously laughing)

Really?

CAMERONYep, shipped it first class outtahere. Had to get it out of my housepronto before I had the chance tochase after the Fedex truck.

Again, Gloria is showing signs of nervousness and worrying.

GLORIA That’s good, Cam!

CAMERONCan I come inside to see my baby?

GLORIA Uh, right now would not be a goodtime.

Cameron is now showing a bit of worrying.

CAMERONWhy is that, Gloria? Did you lose my precious?!

Cameron bursts inside disregarding Gloria who was blockingthe door.

GLORIA No, she’s fine, Cam.

The same vase that Cameron had gotten rid of is now sittingon Gloria’s kitchen table, next to the same shipping box thatCameron had packed it in.

GLORIA (CONT’D)Cameron, it’s not what you think!

CAMERONOh, I think it is! You should beashamed of yourself!

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GLORIA Look!

(pointing to Lily)It’s Lily, happy as she can be!

CAMERON

Oh, I can see that. But I can alsosee this vas. How could you,Gloria? You didn’t lose myprecious, you stole my precious!

GLORIA I know, Cameron, and I’m reallysorry. Here, let me take you andLily out to dinner.

She is trying to usher Cameron and Lily out the door.

CAMERON

Not without my vas!

Cameron picks up the vase and attempts to walk out the door.

GLORIA Not with my vas!

She tries to take back the vase.

CAMERONGloria, stop it! It’s mine! I sawit first!

GLORIA So? You sold it to me!

CAMERONUh! I knew the delivery addresslooked familiar!

Cameron and Gloria are having a tug of war over the vase asLily sits right underneath the vase. She is looking up at thepretty vase. There is now negligence shared by both Cameronand Gloria.

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - LATER

The Dunphy family has just finished eating their pizza. Phillooks eager to get back out there. The rest of the familylooks less enthused. Haley gets up to put away her dish.

HALEY(leaving)

Bye, dorks.

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PHILAlright, ready, buddy?

LUKEI can’t have any dessert, dad. I’m already full.

PHILNo, silly.

(pointing to the backyard)Ready to get back on the job outthere. We’re on the clock. Thesun’s only going to be up foranother --

(checking watch)Three hours. We gotta head outthere now!

LUKE

Oh, yeah. I’m still a bit hungry. Ithink I’ll just stay here andfinish the rest of this pizza.

PHILWow, my boy’s growing up. You’reout-eating me now. Well, I’ll seeyou out there in a bit then.

Luke falsely smiles and nods as Phil gets his things andenthusiastically heads back out to the backyard. Luke puts aslice of pizza on his plate.

ALEXYou don’t like dad helping you digthat hole out there, huh?

LUKENo, not really. How’d you know?

ALEX‘Cause you don’t usually eat sixslices of pizza in one sitting.

LUKE

Oh...ALEX

Look, if you don’t want dad to helpyou anymore, just tell him. That’s what I did when I was about yourage, and since then I’ve beenactually getting problems right on my homework.

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He still thinks we went to the moonin the ‘70s because there was acheese shortage in the ‘60s.

PHIL INTERVIEW

PHILWhat? That’s not entirely true. Iactually do know what happened. We went to the moon because of theSoviets.

(beat)They infiltrated our borders andstole our cheese, causing theshortage. So we had to go to the moon to replenish our supply. It was known as the Curd War. I’m notan idiot.

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN

LUKEWhoa, there’s people on the moon?

ALEXWell, not now...

LUKESo who grows the cheese then?

ALEXNo, there’s no cheese on the moon... Actually, never mind I saidanything.

LUKEThanks, Alex.

Alex smiles.

ALEXYou’re very welco --

LUKEThat advice was very gouda. I’m glad your my swisster --

A nice moment has just been ruined by Luke’s poor puns.

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ALEX (CONT'D)

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ALEX(annoyed)

Alright, you cheddar stop, or --Agh!

She catches herself and decides to leave before she says

anything else.

LUKECheese, what’s her problem.

EXT. PARK - LATER

Jay has finally reached the front of the line. The cashier isa young girl in her 20s. She’s kicking back, reading a teenfashion magazine, drinking a beer and chewing gum. She’s herown person and thinks customers come second to her.

JAYExcuse me?

CASHIERYah! Excuse you is right, oldtimey.

JAY(motioning hands over thescene)

Hey, is this why I had to wait inline for half an hour? So you canknow what the next dress you can’t

afford is.

CASHIERWhat do you think I’m doing here?Volunteering for senior citizens?

JAYLook, I just think you could run abetter business if you actually ransomething around here.

CASHIER

Look, sir, we’re the onlyconcession stand around here.(looking O.S.)

So if you have a problem with the way I work, you can take it up withthat water hose over there.

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JAYAlright, do you have a manager,supervisor, or someone higher upthan you that I could talk to?

CASHIER

Nope, sorry. We’re all out of that.

JAYWow, that’s surprising. You mean totell me there’s literally no oneelse working this stand besidesyou?

CASHIERYep.

JAYAlright, I’ll just take a beer and

a couple ice cream cones then.

The cashier acts as if she’s about to hock a loogie.

JAY (CONT’D)Uh, hold the spit, please.

CASHIERGotcha, boss.

END OF ACT TWO

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ACT THREE

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Phil walks in. He sees Luke sitting on the couch watching

television.

PHILWhat are you doing, little man? Ineed your help out there.

LUKEUh, I’m kind of tired from all thatpizza I just ate.

PHILWell, that hole’s not just going todig itself.

The door knocks. Phil walks over to open the door. It’sCameron and Gloria at the door. They are arguing. Cameron isholding Lily as Gloria is holding the vase.

GLORIA It’s certainly not my fault. Ididn’t make you sell the vas!

CAMERONWell, I didn’t know I was sellingit to you!

They pause to acknowledge Phil.

PHILJeez, you guys look terrible.

CAMERONVery funny, Phil. Can we come in?

PHILYeah, yeah, sure. Come in.

Cameron and Gloria walk inside.

GLORIA Thanks, Phil.

PHILUh, anytime. You’re always welcomeover here, Gloria...

(then)So what’s the problem?

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CAMERONLook, Gloria and I are fightingover this vas right here, so we’regoing to need your discretion on what to do with it in the meantime.It’s evil, but oh, so beautiful.

PHILUm, yeah, I would if you hadn’tsaid it was evil.

GLORIA Don’t be silly. It’s not possessed,Phil. It’s just tearing this familyapart.

PHILIt’s a very thoughtful gift, but why would you think I needed it?

GLORIA We just think it’s fair if you andClaire hold onto it since you twodon’t appreciate the fine arts as much as we do.

CAMERONWe figure it’s best to let youdecide what to do with it. It’s theonly fair solution.

Cameron and Gloria follow Phil into the kitchen. Luke is

nowhere to be found. The television is still on.

PHILHuh? Where’s Luke? Luke!

Luke walks past them holding a shovel in one hand and asweater he received as a gift last Christmas.

PHIL (CONT’D)Hey, buddy.

LUKE

Hey, dad, Aunt Gloria, UncleCameron.

PHILIs that the sweater I got you forChristmas last year?

LUKEYeah... It’s getting pretty chillyoutside.

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PHILIt’s May. In California.

Luke looks uneasy, nervous and uncertain what to say next.

PHIL (CONT’D)

Wait a minute. What’s the realreason you started to dig thathole, son?

Realizing he’s caught, Luke gives in and tries to explain.

PHIL (CONT’D)(interrupting)

You were going to bury my gift, weren’t you?

LUKEI’m sorry, dad, but I didn’t know

how to tell you without making you mad.

PHILTell me what? That you don’t likegifts?

LUKEI do like gifts. It’s just thatthis is a really ugly sweater.

PHILReally, you think that?

(Re: Cameron and Gloria)Can you believe that, guys?

CAMERONIt is an ugly sweater, Phil. Even I wanted to bury it from the firstday I saw it.

PHILWell, what do you know?

(Re: Gloria)Gloria?

GLORIA I wanted to burn it before Cam buried it.

PHILWell, if that’s how you feel, son.But you didn’t have to dig a five-foot hole to bury one sweater.

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LUKEI didn’t do that. You did that.

PHILOh, yeah.

(coming to realization)

Well, you should’ve stopped mebefore I destroyed our backyard.Your mom’s going to be disappointed when she comes home to find out we’re installing a swimming pool inthe backyard when we’re really not.

LUKESo what do we do now?

Phil looks at Cameron and Gloria. They stare at Phil withconcern and uncertainty as well. He then glances at the vase which sits on the counter. Cameron and Gloria notices.

GLORIA (grabbing the vase)

Let’s go.

Phil grabs the shovel from Luke. Luke follows his dad’s lead,holding his dad’s gift.

PHILLet’s go clean up the backyardbefore your mom gets home.

Everyone heads for the backyard.

PHIL INTERVIEW

PHILIt can be tough -- living with theones you love. There’s always goingto be disagreements and arguments.But in the end, you still love ‘em,and you’d do anything to make them happy.

EXT. DUNPHY HOUSE - BACKYARD - EVENING

We see a montage as Phil does a voice over. We see Lukethrowing his sweater into the hole with the motivationalsupport of his family behind him.

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PHIL (V.O.)Sometimes we have to makesacrifices to protect our ownfamily members.

It is now Cameron and Gloria’s turn. Gloria carefully climbs

into the hole and gently places the vase in the hole asCameron looks on with Lily in his arms. There’s a tear in hiseyes.

PHIL (V.O.)Sometimes we sacrifice our ownpossessions to keep the ones welove safe.

Cameron, Lily, Gloria, and Luke are all together as they lookon. Phil begins to fill up the hole with the shovel.

PHIL (V.O.)

Sometimes we sacrifice our owndesires to protect the love betweenourselves.

EXT. PARK - EVENING

We now turn to Jay with his son and daughter. Jay sits down,setting down his beer as he hands Claire and Mitchell icecream cones. They both smile in delight. Jay pats both ofthem on their heads and smiles in approval of them.

PHIL (V.O.)

Sometimes we even have to sacrificea part of ourselves to keep ourfamily members happy.

PHIL INTERVIEW

PHILIt can be tough living with them,but I couldn’t ask for anything more. The things you do for ‘em,and the things they do for you.

There’s always going to be aspecial bond between your family members.

END OF ACT THREE

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TAG

EXT. DUNPHY HOUSE - BACKYARD - NIGHT

Phil is sneaking out of the house with a shovel in his hand.

As he heads towards the hole he runs into Cameron who isdressed in all black.

CAMERONPhil!

PHILCameron?

CAMERONWhat the hell are you doing here?

PHIL

I live here. What are you doinghere?

CAMERONI’m, uh, digging back up the vase.

PHILOh, Cam, you’re so weak.

CAMERONHey, now. What are you going to do with that shovel?

PHILI’m, uh, gardening.

CAMERONPlease. At one in the morning?

Phil and Cameron both hear the sound of a shovel hitting thedirt. They both look over at the hole. It’s Gloria’ssilhouette.

PHILGloria?

CAMERONOh, hell no, you don’t, Gloria!

The entire group fights as they dig the hole. All three arein a race to the bottom of the hole.

FADE OUT.

END OF SHOW

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