Modern Family - "Full-Phil-Ment"

MODERN FAMILY

"Full-Phil-ment"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2015

INT. MITCH & CAMERON’S HOME (BATHROOM) - DAY

A PLUMBER (late 40s) is sitting on the floor next to a

toilet, staring into space.

Cameron walks in. The Plumber continues to stare. Cameron

clears his throat. The Plumber still doesn’t react. Cameron

clears his throat a second time. Again no reaction. Cameron

knocks on the door. The Plumber looks in the toilet for the

source of the knock.

CAMERON

Hello?

The Plumber looks at the toilet confused. He leans towards

the toilet bowl.

PLUMBER

(into toilet)

Hi.

CAMERON

Actually, I’m over here by the

door.

The Plumber turns his head and looks at Cameron.

PLUMBER

Oh. Right. Hi.

CAMERON

Uh. How you doing in there?

PLUMBER

Good. How are you?

CAMERON

I’m fine. So, uh, how’s my toilet?

PLUMBER

It’s good. How are you?

CAMERON

I’m also good. How are you?

PLUMBER

Good.

CAMERON

Good. So, I guess you’re done here.

2.

PLUMBER

No. I still got some work to do on

your toilet.

CAMERON

Right. So, uh, have you figured out

what’s wrong with it?

PLUMBER

Well. In layman’s terms, it all

basically comes down to this: your

toilet isn’t working.

CAMERON

Right. That’s kind of what I

suspected. Um. Do you know why the

toilet isn’t working?

PLUMBER

Well. Here’s the way I see it. The

main problem is that your toilet

won’t flush.

CAMERON

Hm. That’s actually the way I see

it, too.

PLUMBER

Oh. So you’re also a plumber?

CAMERON

Not quite. I just know a little

about toilets.

PLUMBER

Oh. You mean you dabble in

toiletry?

CAMERON

... I’m pretty sure that’s not what

I mean. So, uh, when can you get

the toilet to start flushing?

PLUMBER

I’ll probably be done in about 10

minutes, maybe 15.

CAMERON

Great.

The Plumber stares into space for five seconds.

3.

CAMERON

Take your time.

PLUMBER

(into toilet)

I will.

CAMERON

I’m still over here.

The Plumber looks at Cameron.

CAMERON

Yeah. I didn’t jump into the toilet

at any point during our

conversation.

PLUMBER

Right. Yeah. I’m just... a little

distracted.

CAMERON

I see.

PLUMBER

My wife.

CAMERON

Your wife?

PLUMBER

My wife.

CAMERON

... Um. I’m confused. Does the

toilet remind you of her?

PLUMBER

No. It’s just... I think my wife is

cheating on me.

CAMERON

Oh. Well. You know. She’s probably

not cheating.

PLUMBER

What makes you say that?

CAMERON

Well. You seem like such a great

couple.

4.

PLUMBER

Do you know us?

CAMERON

Well. I know a lot of couples like

you.

PLUMBER

Like us? You’ve never even seen my

wife.

CAMERON

Um. Well. I’ve heard of a lot of

women like her. Do you want a soda

or something?

PLUMBER

Whiskey.

CAMERON

I have both Pepsi and Coke.

PLUMBER

Whiskey.

CAMERON

Pepsi?

PLUMBER

Whiskey.

CAMERON

Well.

(sings to the tune of "Let’s

Call the Whole Thing Off")

I say potato / You say po-tah-to

/ I say Pepsi / You say whiskey

The Plumber stares at Cameron.

CAMERON

(somewhat uncomfortably

continues singing)

Potato / Po-tah-to / Pepsi /

Whiskey / Let’s call the whole

thing off

Cameron smiles semi-nervously at the Plumber. The Plumber

just stares back for a few seconds.

CAMERON

It’s a song.

5.

PLUMBER

(sings to the tune of "Jack

Daniels, If You Please")

"Jack Daniels, if you please /

Knock me to my knees." It’s a song.

CAMERON

(sings to the tune of "The

Whiskey Ain’t Workin’"

"The whiskey ain’t workin’

anymore." That’s also a song.

PLUMBER

Change the station.

CAMERON

Um. How about a nice, refreshing

can of light beer?

PLUMBER

How about a big, dirty bottle of

whiskey?

CAMERON

Whiskey... contains alcohol.

PLUMBER

Good.

CAMERON

Um. Won’t whiskey impair your

ability to plumb?

PLUMBER

No. I plumb better drunk than I do

sober.

CAMERON

Have you tested that theory

scientifically?

He puts his ear up to the toilet and listens. He then grabs

a plunger, and begins using it violently on the toilet.

Finally, he sits down next to the toilet, and looks back at

Cameron.

PLUMBER

My wife.

CAMERON

Your wife.

6.

PLUMBER

My wife. She’s sleeping with my

cousin.

CAMERON

I see. Do you want your whiskey on

the rocks?

INT. MITCH & CAMERON’S HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

(Documentary Interview Scene)

CAMERON

(to camera)

I hired a plumber. He turned me

into a bathroom bartender.

INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Phil walks in from the kitchen. A second later, Claire walks

in through the front door.

CLAIRE

Hi honey.

They kiss.

CLAIRE

How was work?

PHIL

You know the house on Oak Street?

Sold!

CLAIRE

You sold a $2 million home!

PHIL

Uh. Did Michael Jordan three-peat

twice?

CLAIRE

Phil--I don’t know what that means.

PHIL

That means the home on Miller

Street--also sold!

CLAIRE

You sold another $2 million home?

7.

PHIL

Did Michael Jordan three-peat

twice?

CLAIRE

Absolutely! Wow, Phil! $2 million.

And another $2 million. I’m scared

to add those numbers--because I

think if I do, the IRS will take my

purse. We’re moving on up, Phil.

You’ve hit your prime. You gotta

get on your phone and do some more

selling.

PHIL

I’m actually gonna take a few days

off to...

CLAIRE

Sell, baby, sell! You gotta keep

the momentum going. It’s like

you’re Michael Jordan, you’ve

scored 50 points, the game is tied,

and you just got a pass from Lebron

James. Shoot the ball!

PHIL

Your analogy doesn’t really make

sense, honey. Lebron James and

Michael Jordan were never on the

same team. They never even played

during the same year.

CLAIRE

Fine. You’re playing blackjack, and

the dealer just gave you 11. Double

down!

PHIL

Is the dealer Lebron James?

CLAIRE

Yes! He’s Lebron James!

PHIL

.... Why would Lebron James be

dealing blackjack cards?

CLAIRE

The point is, you made more money

today than you usually do in a

year--and you should keep on

shooting, or doubling down, or

(MORE)

8.

CLAIRE (cont’d)knocking on doors. In other

words--this is the time to sell.

PHIL

Yeah. About that. Um. Honey. Let’s

talk about... fulfillment. Purpose.

Passion.

CLAIRE

What are you talking about?

PHIL

I sold two big homes in one day.

CLAIRE

Yeah.

(puts up her hand)

High five.

He gives her a high five.

PHIL

Like I was saying. I sold two big

homes in one day. It was exciting

at first. But then that felling

died down. The fulfillment just

wasn’t there, the way I thought it

would be. And, you know. Who is

Phil, if Phil doesn’t have

fulfill-ment?

CLAIRE

Um. What?

PHIL

Let me state that another way. I

want to add the full-ment to Phil.

CLAIRE

Um. What?

PHIL

Honey. Work with me here. It’s

basic math. Full-ment plus Phil

equals full-Phil-ment. Fulfillment.

CLAIRE

Well. Right now, Phil sounds like

he’s full of something. And I don’t

know if that something that Phil is

full of is ment.

9.

PHIL

Let me put it another way. I

realized that real estate isn’t

really lighting my fire right now.

So I’m thinking of doing something

else.

(puts up his hand)

High five.

CLAIRE

Something else? You want to switch

careers?

PHIL

(puts down his hand)

Well. Pretty much.

(puts up his hand)

High five.

CLAIRE

When Lebron James passed the ball

to Michael Jordan, I don’t think

Michael Jordan walked off the court

and said, "I’m not playing

basketball anymore.I want to add

Full-ment to Michael.

Full-Michael-ment."

PHIL

Honey. Lebron James never passed

the ball to Michael Jordan.

(flips over his hand, looks at

his palm, and then puts down

his hand)

And can we please just back off the

analogies, and focus on what we’re

actually talking about?

CLAIRE

Fine. We’re talking about your

career. The one that make money.

PHIL

Well. The thing is, now we have

money. And now that we have money,

we won’t be needing any more money

for a while.

CLAIRE

Who the hell filled up your head

with a ridiculous idea like that?

Was it that Zen Buddhist guy at

your gym? Phil--I told you to stop

(MORE)

10.

CLAIRE (cont’d)talking to him. The next time you

go to the gym, stay away from him,

and just chit chat with all of

those pretty girls in tight pants.

PHIL

Honey. I want to try out a new

career.

CLAIRE

Phil--we’ve talked about this. You

can’t be a magician.

PHIL

No. Not magician.

CLAIRE

OK. Then what?

PHIL

... Gigolo.

(puts up his hand)

High five. ... I’m kidding.

(puts down his hand)

Art. I’m gonna paint. Paintings.

I’m gonna paint paintings. With

paint. And paintbrushes.

CLAIRE

Anything else?

PHIL

Um.

(puts up his hand)

High five? ... No? Not this time,

either?

He puts his hand down.

CLAIRE

You know, you might want to

reconsider the gigolo idea. Not

only do gigolos make more money

than artists, they also shower

every day.

PHIL

I already bought the art supplies.

And I started an hour ago.

(puts up his hand)

High five!

11.


(Documentary Scene interview)

PHIL

(to camera)

The ball has been passed to me, and

now I’m gonna shoot. Only the ball

is a paintbrush, and not a ball. Is

that Zen? I think that’s Zen. And

come to think of it, maybe the idea

of Lebron James dealing blackjack

cards is also Zen.


(Later)

Phil has an easel, canvas, and paint set up, and he’s

working on a painting. (The painting remains concealed to

the TV viewer throughout the episode.)

PHIL

(singing)

Just a gigolo. Everywhere I go.

INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Gloria is talking to Manny.

GLORIA

Do you have any idea why Jay has

been playing video games so much?

MANNY

Mom. Let me explain something to

you about my relationship with Jay.

I don’t understand him, he doesn’t

understand me. That’s the delicate

balance of nature that allows this

ecosystem to work.

GLORIA

He’s a man in his 60s, and he

bought himself one of those

box-boxes.

MANNY

You mean x-boxes?

12.

GLORIA

Whatever. He’s always playing the

box-box. He was up till 1 am

yesterday.

MANNY

Well--the good news is that he

doesn’t go to bed at 8 pm, like

most people his age. I mean, you’re

in your party years, he’s in his

Social Security years--but you’re

still living in the same time zone.

GLORIA

You think I’m still in my party

years?


Cameron is on the phone.

INT. MITCH’S OFFICE - DAY

Mitch answers his phone.

MITCH

Yeah.

(Back and forth between Mitch & Cameron’s Home and Mitch’s

Office)

CAMERON

(quietly)

I got a bit of a problem involving

the plumber. He’s been here for two

hours.

MITCH

Our toilet must be really broken.

CAMERON

No. The plumber’s head is broken.

MITCH

Oh. Have you tried using a plunger

on it?

CAMERON

He’s acting crazy, because he

thinks his wife is cheating on

him. I asked him to leave--but he

(MORE)

13.

CAMERON (cont’d)

said that he wanted to finish the

job. Should I call the cops?

MITCH

Yes. And make sure you talk to the

division of Internal Affairs and

Toilets.

CAMERON

Mitch!

MITCH

Don’t call the cops. Just go to the

bathroom and have a man-to-man chat

with the plumber.

CAMERON

I tried that. He thought my voice

was coming from the toilet! And

that was before he started drinking

our whiskey. Can you come home

early and help me deal with this?

MITCH

Well. I’m kind of busy doing

something other than talking to a

drunk plumber.

CAMERON

Well, how snobby of you.

MITCH

What do you mean?

CAMERON

You’re unwilling to talk to the

blue collar working class.

MITCH

Cam. You know perfectly well that

one of my best friends is a

plumber.

CAMERON

Well why didn’t we have him fix our

toilet?

MITCH

Because having a friend fix your

toilet is really awkward.

14.

CAMERON

As opposed to having a drunk

stranger sit next to your toilet

and discuss his marriage with you.

That’s not awkward at all!

MITCH

Cam. I gotta go.


Phil is working on a painting. He’s shirtless, and wearing

flip flips and short shorts. Claire is sitting nearby on the

sofa, watching TV. Haley walks in.

HALEY

Hi mom.

CLAIRE

Hi sweetie.

Haley sees Phil.

HALEY

Um. Hi dad.

Phil turns around, stares at her for a few seconds, and then

turns around and continues working on his painting.

HALEY

(to Claire)

Uh. Two questions, mom. What’s for

dinner?

CLAIRE

Spaghetti.

HALEY

And, uh, which mental institute

should we put dad in?

Phil turns around.

PHIL

Honey. I’m just working on some

art. I have a creative life that

balances out my overall life.

Balance. I have balance. When you

think about it, that actually makes

me saner than the rest of you. I’m

not insane. Unless by "insanity,"

you mean that I’m in a state of

(MORE)

15.

PHIL (cont’d)sanity. In-sanity. That’s where I

am. In sanity. How did I get there?

Through fulfilling work. By

engaging in fulfilling work, Phi is

now in sanity.

He does a somersault, and then resumes working on his

painting.

HALEY

I was kind of with you until that

whole part about the somersault.



CLAIRE

Apparently, Phil has entered his

post modernist phase. It’s marked

by vibrant colors and acrobatic

behavior.


Phil is still painting. He turns around, side hugs Claire

and and Haley simultaneously, and holds the hug.

PHIL

I love both of you so much.

CLAIRE

(to Haley)

Honey. We’re still looking for the

right mental institute. By the

way--your father’s gonna take a few

years off from his job, in order to

pursue his art.

HALEY

Great. Does that mean you’re gonna

cut my allowance in half?

CLAIRE

Actually, no. We’re gonna double

it. Because your father sold two

expensive homes today, and made a

lot of money.

16.

HALEY

Oh. Congratulations, dad. Um. I’m

not sure how I feel about all of

this. I’ll be in my room.

PHIL

Spaghetti!

INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY

Gloria is putting a loaf of bread in her cart. COLLIN (21,

good looking) is a few feet away from her.

COLLIN

I’ve been here for five minutes. I

have no idea which bread to buy.

Like, what should I look for in a

loaf bread?

GLORIA

I don’t know. I’ve been buying the

same kind for five years.

COLLIN

I’m still trying to find the right

one.

She studies his body language. He seems very flirty.

GLORIA

Well... I think you should keep

looking.

COLLIN

You have the most amazing voice.

Any time I hear you say something,

I want you to just keep on talking.

GLORIA

(confuses / surprised)

What?

COLLIN

Say "what" again.

GLORIA

Are you doing the scene from Pulp

Fiction?

COLLIN

What?

17.

GLORIA

"Say ’what’ again." You know.

That’s what Samuel L. Jackson said

in Pulp Fiction

COLLIN

I’ve never seen that movie before.

GLORIA

Yeah. It’s a little before your

time.

COLLIN

Maybe we can watch it together.

GLORIA

I don’t know. I’ll have to ask my

husband.

COLLIN

OK. How was your day, by the way?

GLORIA

What?

COLLIN

Like I said. I just want to hear

you talk.

GLORIA

Right.

COLLIN

If you were my wife, you know what

I’d do?

GLORIA

I’m afraid to ask.

COLLIN

I’d rush home every day to hear

your voice.

GLORIA

You’re laying it on a little

thick--don’t you think?

COLLIN

I’ll bet your husband doesn’t ask

you about your day. Does he?

18.

GLORIA

... How old are you?

COLLIN

You’re avoiding my question.

GLORIA

You’re avoiding my question. How

old are you?

COLLIN

I’m an adult.

GLORIA

How adult are you? Put an age on

your adult.

COLLIN

You see that six pack of Coronas

over there? I’m old enough to buy

it.

GLORIA

Well. I’m old enough to buy a 12

pack.

COLLIN

So you’re also 21?

GLORIA

I’ll be turning 21 in March. Not

this March--but one of the Marches

in the 1990s. Are you familiar with

that decade? It’s the one where I

was watching Pulp Fiction, and you

were watching Spongebob.

COLLIN

Let’s focus on this decade. The one

where I’m a man who watches 20/20,

and you’re a woman who watches

20/20.

GLORIA

I’m a married woman--and I watch

Destilando Amor and Wheel of

Fortune.

19.


The Plumber is sitting on the floor next to the toilet,

finishing a glass of whiskey. Cameron walks in.

CAMERON

So how’s the toilet doing?

PLUMBER

Can your bring over some more

whiskey?

CAMERON

That depends. Are you gonna drink

it, or pour it in the toilet?

PLUMBER

I’m gonna drink it.

CAMERON

Um. The thing is, in this bathroom,

we have a two drink maximum. ’Cause

we don’t want anyone to drown in

the toilet water. So, um, how about

I drive you to a liquor store and

drop you off?

PLUMBER

I haven’t finished fixing your

toilet.

CAMERON

That’s OK. You can take it home

with you, and mail it back to me

later.

PLUMBER

She’s cheating on me. I know it.

... Are you married?

CAMERON

Yeah.

PLUMBER

Is your wife cheating on you?

CAMERON

I doubt it. I mean, we’re

newlyweds--not to mention the fact

that my wife is a husband.

20.

PLUMBERS

You mean both of you are homos?

CAMERON

Well. In layman’s terms, yes--both

of us are homos. Both of us. I used

to be marred to a guy named Todd,

and only one of us was a homo.

Guess which one?

PLUMBER

Right. Yeah. I actually detected a

lot of gayness from you. But I’m

just so distracted with my

marriage, that I forgot about your

gayness.

CAMERON

That’s interesting. You’re the

first person to ever forget about

my gayness after detecting it. Even

people with amnesia don’t forget

about my gayness.

PLUMBER

You know, I’ve never had a

conversation with a gay before.

CAMERON

Wow. That’s very surprising.

Especially considering how you just

referred to two gay men as "homos,"

and one gay man as "a gay."



CAMERON

(to camera)

So now I’m both a bartender, and a

gay.


The doorbell rings. Claire opens it to reveal Jay.

CLAIRE

Hi dad.

21.

JAY

Hi. I came to hang out with Luke.

CLAIRE

Really? That’s great. He’s in his

room.

JAY

Alright.

He begins walking up the steps. He comes back down, and

examines Phil painting shirtless.

JAY

(to Claire)

Uh...

CLAIRE

He sold $4 million worth of homes

today.

JAY

Great. That explains nothing.

(to Phil)

Phil--keep up the good work.

Phil turns around, stares at Jay for a few seconds, and then

goes right back to working on his painting.

JAY

Right. I’ll be upstairs, if anybody

needs me.

INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKE’S ROOM) - DAY

Jay walks in.

JAY

Time for a rematch.

LUKE

It’s on.

JAY

You’re darn tootin’ it’s on. It’s

on like Donkey Kong.

22.

INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

(Documentary Scene)

JAY

(to camera)

In the 80s, I used to take Mitchell

and Claire to the arcade. 323,915

points. That was my Pac-Man high

score. I set the arcade’s record

back in 82. But a few weeks ago, I

played a few games of Madden with

Luke. He beat me. And now it’s on.

It’s on like Donkey Kong.

Actually--it’s on like Pac-Man. I

even ate bananas and cherries in

preparation for this. I have

problems. I know.

INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY

Gloria in on her cell phone.

INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKE’S ROOM) - DAY

Jay is playing a Madden Football video game with Luke. Jay’s

phone rings. He pauses the game and takes the call.

JAY

Hello.

(Back and forth between the Supermarket and Luke’s Room)

GLORIA

Some guy is flirting with me.

JAY

Flirting? Like, is he harassing

you?

GLORIA

No. He’s talking to me, and

smiling--and he complimented me.

JAY

What?

GLORIA

Say "what" again, Jay! Say "what"

again!

23.

JAY

Um. What? I mean, um. Honey. Did

you tell this guy that you’re

married?

GLORIA

Yes. He continued to flirt. He’s in

the frozen foods section right now,

and I’m in cereal--but I think he’s

gonna talk to me again later. Soon.

JAY

You have your pepper spray?

GLORIA

Yes.

JAY

Great. Use it.

GLORIA

I’m not gonna pepper spray him just

for flirting with me.

JAY

You don’t have to spray the whole

bottle in his eyes. Just give him

one spray in the general vicinity,

and he’ll get the point.

GLORIA

He complimented me.

JAY

I think you mentioned that.

GLORIA

He said that he likes my voice.

JAY

... What?

GLORIA

Jay. Don’t say "what" again. My

voice. He said he like it. He said

it’s like music to his ears.

JAY

Well. In that case, you should

probably marry him. You know what?

Maybe he’ll propose to you, right

next to the Cap’n Crunch.

24.

GLORIA

Jay!

JAY

Gloria. If you’re not gonna use the

pepper spray, just leave the

supermarket.

GLORIA

But we need groceries.

JAY

We can eat out. I hear IHOP serves

a magnificent dish called a Rooty

Tooty Fresh n’ Fruity.

GLORIA

Jay--you should come down here and

make sure this guy knows we’re

together, so he won’t get so fresh

and fruity with me.

JAY

That’s not really what fruity

means.

GLORIA

Jay!

JAY

Gloria--I’d love to come down there

and throw Pop Tarts at your

boyfriend. But I’m in the middle of

something very important.

GLORIA

What are you in the middle of?

JAY

I’m, uh--I’m spending quality time

with Luke.

GLORIA

Oh. Well. I guess that’s a good

excuse.

JAY

It’s a great excuse.

GLORIA

OK. I love you.

25.

JAY

I love you, too.

He hangs up.

JAY

OK. Unpause the game. 3rd down.

Five seconds later, Luke scores a touchdown.

LUKE

Boom! Seven to nothing. Next time

you play me, make sure you stretch

your quads before kickoff.

Luke gets on the ground to do a lying quad stretch.

LUKE

Like this.

JAY

That’s it. I’m taking you out of my

will.


The plumber is now sitting on the toiler (with his pants

on). Cameron is standing next to him, holding a whiskey

bottle.

CAMERON

More whiskey?

PLUMBER

Fill ’er up.

Lily walks in.

LILY

Daddy--are you done with your

playdate? It’s been, like, three

hours.

CAMERON

No, honey. We’re still drinking

pretend alcohol.

LILY

And playing pretend toilet?

26.

CAMERON

No. We’re not playing pretend

toilet. Playing pretend toilet

would be very inappropriate. This

is pretend bartender. You know. I’m

working at a bar, and he’s sitting

at a bar. We’re pretending to be at

a bar. Not on a toilet.

LILY

Oh.

She walks up to the Plumber.

LILY

It’s my turn to sit at the bar.

The Plumber gets up. Lily sits on the toilet.

LILY

(to Cameron)

OK, bartender. I’ll have a glass of

orange juice.

The Plumber stares at Cameron, not sure what to make of

everything.

CAMERON

(to Lily)

One glass of orange juice. Coming

up.

He pours her an imaginary glass of orange juice.

PLUMBER

(to Lily)

You want some whiskey in that

orange juice?

CAMERON

No. No she doesn’t. In this

establishment, we don’t serve

pretend whiskey to minors.

PLUMBER

She can pretend to be an adult.

CAMERON

Like the way you’re pretending to

be a plumber?

27.

PLUMBER

I am a plumber.

CAMERON

Great. Then how about you plumb my

toilet?

PLUMBER

(to Lily)

My wife is cheating on me.

LILY

Daddy--what is he talking about?

CAMERON

His wife cheats whenever they play

Go Fish.

LILY

(to Plumber)

Your wife shouldn’t cheat.

PLUMBER

Yes! You’re right. She shouldn’t

cheat. You understand. You know, if

you were 30 years older, I’d leave

my wife and marry you.

LILY

Well maybe you can find a wife at

the bar.

(points to an imaginary women)

Like that woman over there.

PLUMBER

No. I know that woman. That’s my

ex-girlfriend. She’s a gold digger.

LILY

What’s a gold digger?

CAMERON

It’s someone who digs to find gold.

LILY

Oh. Let’s play that.

She does some imaginary digging.

LILY

Look! I found gold! Lots of gold.

Daddy--I’m a gold digger!

28.

INT. DUNPHY HOME (KITCHEN) - NIGHT

Phil is wearing a winter hat that covers his ears, and he’s

holding a box.

PHIL

I got you something.

CLAIRE

OK. Before I open it, let me ask

you a question. Does this box

contain your ear?

PHIL

What? No.

CLAIRE

Then why are you wearing that hat?

PHIL

Honey. I’m in a creative field. So

sometimes I wear a hat, or

sometimes I pet a cat, or sometimes

I catch a rat.

CLAIRE

I don’t know how to respond to

that.

PHIL

Do you think this hat makes me look

fat?

CLAIRE

What?

PHIL

Nothing. I just got carried away

with the rhyming thing. Open the

box.

CLAIRE

It’s light.

She opens it.

CLAIRE

It’s empty.

PHIL

It contains my soul.

29.

CLAIRE

I see.

PHIL

No. You can’t see a soul.

CLAIRE

Right. So, uh, what do you want me

to do with this soul?

PHIL

Don’t you see?

CLAIRE

No. That’s the point.

He kisses her.

PHIL

I want you to give me your soul.

CLAIRE

I see. I think.

PHIL

We’re soul mates.

CLAIRE

So, uh--do you want me to put my

soul in a box?

PHIL

No.

CLAIRE

How about a bowl? I’ll put my soul

in a bowl, and then I’ll give that

soul in bowl to a cat in a hat.

What do you think of that?

PHIL

I don’t want you to put your soul

in a bowl. Just start by following

your heart. Your heart will tell

you where to put your soul.

CLAIRE

That didn’t rhyme.

He kisses her again.

30.

CLAIRE

Remember all the corny jokes you

used to tell? I could go for one of

those right now.

PHIL

You inspire me. The way an apple

inspired Isaac Newton.

CLAIRE

I was thinking of something more

like a pun.

PHIL

When I’m without you, I want to

punch myself in the face.

INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKE’S ROOM) - NIGHT

JAY

(very loudly)

30, 20, 10--Touchdown! Russell

Wilson!

He starts doing a touchdown dance.

Claire walks in.

CLAIRE

Dad--what the hell is going on

here?

JAY

I, uh--I scored a touchdown.

CLAIRE

Yeah. I can see. You’re sweating.

JAY

It’s, uh--your home’s too

insulated. It’s hot in here.

CLAIRE

It’s not that hot. Phil is

downstairs wearing a winter hat.

Daddy--this is Pac-Man all over

again. The summer of 82. Remember

that? The rivalry you had with

Tommy Jones?

31.

JAY

Yeah. He was the second best in

town. I was the best.

CLAIRE

You were in your thirties. He was

in fifth grade!

JAY

Pac-Man isn’t about age. It’s about

dots. And fruit.

CLAIRE

Dad. I got Van Gogh hanging out

downstairs. I have an insane

husband.

LUKE

Dad says that "insanity" can also

mean that you’re in a state of

sanity. In sanity.

CLAIRE

Right. Yeah. Your father’s 100%

right.

(to Jay)

Dad--can you please balance out

Phil’s insanity with your own

out-sanity? Try acting a little

normal.

JAY

Claire. I’m just playing video

games with my only grandson. I like

my grandson, and I like video

games. It would be crazy for me not

to play video games with my

grandson.

CLAIRE

Have you been talking to that Zen

Buddhist guy at the gym?

INT. MITCH & CAMERON’S HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT

The doorbell rings. Cameron opens the door the reveal CLARA

(late 40s).

CLARA

Hi. Can I talk to Jeff?

32.

CAMERON

Jeff?

CLARA

The plumber.

CAMERON

Right. Jeff. For some reason, he

referred to himself as Jehosophat.

CLARA

No. That’s what he calls his

plunger.

CAMERON

Oh. Well--Jehosopophat and Jeff are

both in the bathroom. Over there.

INT. MITCH & CAMERON’S HOME (BATHROOM) - NIGHT

Clara walks in to the bathroom while Cameron watches.

JEFF / PLUMBER

Clara? How did you know I was here?

CLARA

You called me ten minutes ago and

told me where you were.

JEFF / PLUMBER

Right. By the way

(looks at Cameron)

--this is... what’s your name?

CAMERON

Cameron.

JEFF / PLUMBER

Cameron. I’m Jeff.

CAMERON

OK, Jeff. Allow me to introduce

my plunger, Jebediah?

JEFF / PLUMBER

(to Clara)

Honey. This is Cameron. He’s a

homo. And he just got married. You

know. Prop 8.

33.

CAMERON

(to Clara)

Hi.

CLARA

Hi. I voted no on Prop 8. But

congratulations on your marriage.

CAMERON

Thank you?

JEFF / PLUMBER

(to Clara)

You’re sleeping with my cousin!

CLARA

Are you drunk?

JEFF / PLUMBER

I used to be drunk on my love for

you. But now I’m just drunk on the

crappy whiskey this homo gave me.

CAMERON

Hey. Let me just say that I serve

the cheap whiskey in our bathroom,

and the good whiskey in our living

room.

CLARA

(to Jeff)

What makes you think that I’m

sleeping with Tony?

JEFF / PLUMBER

Who said anything about Tony? I was

talking about John.

CLARA

What makes you think I’m sleeping

with John?

JEFF / PLUMBER

You both like that movie. The one

with that bearded guy. The funny

guy with the beard. You know that

movie.

CLARA

The Hangover?

34.

JEFF / PLUMBER

Yeah. The Hangover. You both like

The Hangover. You were both

laughing at it.

CLARA

That doesn’t mean I’m sleeping with

John. Honey--I love you. You mean

everything to me.

JEFF / PLUMBER

The Hangover isn’t even that good.

CLARA

Well. It’s pretty good.

JEFF / PLUMBER

Yeah. It’s pretty good. But it’s

not that good. There are some funny

parts, though. I like the bearded

guy. And the Chinaman. And that

black guy. The boxer.

Cameron drinks some whiskey straight out of the bottle,

which is almost empty by now.

JEFF / PLUMBER

So you’re not sleeping with John?

CLARA

No.

JEFF / PLUMBER

Or Tony?

CLARA

Or Tony.

JEFF / PLUMBER

(points to Cameron)

Or this homo?

CLARA

I don’t even know this homo.

Honey--I only have eyes for you.

(to Cameron)

He’s the jealous type. This happens

every month or so.

CAMERON

Ah.

Cameron drinks some more whiskey out of the bottle.

35.

JEFF / PLUMBER

I love you, Clara. Come here.

They kiss very romantically, and don’t stop.

CAMERON

Um. I’ll just leave you alone for a

minute or two.

He closes the door.

CAMERON

Feel free to fix the toilet when

you’re done.

INT. MITCH & CAMERON’S HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT

Cameron is sitting on the sofa and has the whikey bottle in

his hand.

Mitch walks in.

MITCH

So. What happened with the plumber?

CAMERON

You missed the make up scene.

MITCH

The make up scene?

CAMERON

Yeah. Clara dropped by.

MITCH

Who’s Clara?

CAMERON

Jeff’s wife.

MITCH

Who’s Jeff?

CAMERON

The plumber. Jeff is the plumber,

Clara is his wife, and Jehosophat

is the plunger. And it turns out

that Clara wasn’t sleeping with

John. Or Tony. Or

(points to himself)

this homo.

36.

MITCH

Wait. Are you talking about Days of

Our Lives?

CAMERON

No. Days of our bathroom. You

missed the make up scene. The love

scene is currently in progress.

MITCH

Great. So is our toilet fixed?

Cameron drinks the final ounce of whiskey remaining in the

bottle.

CAMERON

No. And we’re out of cheap whiskey.

We do have some cognac, though. Why

don’t you go pour me a glass?

MITCH

Why don’t you pour it yourself?

CAMERON

My shift as bartender ended two

minutes ago. It’s your turn.


Jay is on the phone with Gloria.

JAY

Hey, honey. I’m done with my

quality time. I won 17-14 in

overtime. I might’ve cheated,

though.


(Earlier / Flashback)

Jay knocks the controller out of Luke’s hand.

LUKE

Hey!

37.


GLORIA (V.O.)

Oh.

JAY

Is that guy still flirting with

you?

INT. CAR - NIGHT

GLORIA

No. I’m on my way home.

(Back and forth between the Car and Luke’s Room)

JAY

You know, I’m kind of in the mood

to have it out with him now. Did

you get his license plate number or

anything?

GLORIA

I don’t think he’s old enough to

drive.

JAY

What?

GLORIA

He’s a little young. 21.

JAY

I see. Well. We can double date.

You go out with him, and I’ll take

his younger sister. We can go to

Chuck E. Cheese’s.

GLORIA

Jay. Do you want to hear about how

my day was?

JAY

Absolutely.

GLORIA

Do you want to hear it in my voice?

JAY

I want to hear everything in your

voice. I don’t understand half of

what you’re saying, but I like the

sound of it all.

38.

INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT

Phil is alone. His easel is turned so the canvas is facing a

wall.

PHIL

(announcing to the rest of the

home)

Everyone come here! It’s time for

the art exhibit!

Claire and Haley come in from the kitchen.

CLAIRE

(to Phil)

The spaghetti’s ready, by the way.

HALEY

Yeah, dad. It’s really good

spaghetti. Have some.

Luke and Jay come down the stairs.

JAY

This should be interesting.

Alex walks in through the front door.

PHIL

Alex. Perfect timing.

ALEX

Um. What did I miss?

CLAIRE

Long story.

HALEY

(to Alex)

Short version: dad’s insane.

LUKE

But only because he’s in sanity.

CLAIRE

Oh. And he’s adding full-ment to

Phil.

PHIL

(addressing everyone)

OK, guys. I know I’ve been acting a

little weird today.

39.

JAY

No weirder than usual.

PHIL

I just--I realized that I wanted to

do more than sell homes.

HALEY

And do magic.

PHIL

And do magic. I want to do more

than real estate and magic. I don’t

know. I mean, I’m not abandoning

real estate. Or magic. And I might

also try my hand at being a gigolo.

But anyways. Without further ado.

Here it is.

He turns around the easel and reveals the painting. (It

still remains concealed to the TV viewer.)

HALEY

That’s... good.

ALEX

I’m still not clear on what’s going

on right now. What exactly is

full-ment?

CLAIRE

(to Phil)

(referring to painting)

I like it. I mean, I also like it

when you sell $4 million in homes

per day. But it’s a nice painting.

JAY

I gotta say. It’s a great painting.

PHIL

Do you mean, it, Jay?

JAY

Absolutely. You know what? I’d be

honored if you’d let me buy it, and

hang it in my home. Now, I can’t

give you $4 million for it.

PHIL

How about 3.9 million?

40.

JAY

Sold. Send me the bill.

CLAIRE

(to Phil)

Wow. You’re really on a roll,

honey. That brings you up to $7.9

million for the day. Go sell

something else.

Jay grabs the painting and walks towards the door.

JAY

Alex. Open the door for me.

Alex opens it.

Jay walks out with the painting.

ALEX

Hm. So. What’s for dinner?

HALEY

Spaghetti!

INT. GYM - DAY

Jay is on a rowing machine, and BOB (40) is on the machine

next to his.

JAY

So, I tried that Zen meditation

thing you taught me. But, how do I

know when I’ve experienced

enlightenment?

Bob seems mesmerized by something.

JAY

Bob?

BOB

Sorry, Jay. I was a little

distracted by that girl in tight

pants.

JAY

That’s my wife.

BOB

That’s your wife?

41.

The camera reveals an attractive 40 year old WOMAN on an

elliptical machine.

JAY

Just kidding. That’s my wife.

He points to Gloria, who’s also wearing tight pants, and on

another elliptical machine.

Modern Family - "Full-Phil-Ment"

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Transcript of Modern Family - "Full-Phil-Ment"