Miser of Dry Gulch=111616 - Green Room Press€¦ · · 2017-03-312 THE MISER OF DRY GULCH ......

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THE MISER OF DRY GULTCH

By Matt Buchanan

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THE MISER OF DRY GULCH By Matt Buchanan

2 THE MISER OF DRY GULCH

THE MISER OF DRY GULCH Based on the play L'Avare by Molière

By Matt Buchanan SYNOPSIS: Old Man Richman is the richest rancher in Dry Gulch, but he's also the stingiest. His two marriage-aged children have each fallen in love, but Old Man Richman has other plans—instead of the poor but pure lovers they have chosen, he wants to marry them off to wealthy old-timers who will soon die, so they can inherit their fortunes. To make matters worse, he plans to marry his son's sweetheart himself—if she can come up with a dowry! Loads of zany slapstick shenanigans follow as the two young people attempt to foil Richman's plans for them and find a happy ending in this wild-west adaptation of Molière's classic French farce.

CAST OF CHARACTERS (3 females, 6 males, 0-5 extras)

LARRY APPLETON (m) ............................. A ranch manager with a secret.

(93 lines) ELSIE RICHMAN (f) ................................... Daughter of Old Man Richman.

(53 lines) CLINT RICHMAN (m) ................................ Son of Old Man Richman.

(100 lines) OLD MAN RICHMAN (m).......................... A wealthy but miserly rancher.

(272 lines) FLETCHER (m) ............................................ A ranch hand. (94 lines) MISS VERLINE (f) ...................................... A professional matchmaker.

(44 lines) MARY ANN SWEETBOTTOM (f) ............. A poor but pure neighbor.

(24 lines) THE SHERIFF (m) ....................................... (18 lines) U.S. MARSHAL HANSON (m) ................... (20 lines)

This perusal script is for reading purposes only.No performance or photocopy rights are conveyed.

MATT BUCHANAN 3

SETTING: The yard outside Old Man RICHMAN's ranch house, sometime during the great push west. AT RISE: Enter LARRY and ELSIE. LARRY: Elsie, darlin’, what's eatin’ you? You look sad. ELSIE: No, no. LARRY: You cain’t kid me, honey. What is it? Are you havin’

second thoughts? ELSIE: Oh, no—not about you, Larry. I'm yours and I always will be.

It's jest— LARRY: What, honey? ELSIE: Well, it's Pa, a’course. LARRY: That miserly old skinflint! Sorry! I know he's your Pappy,

and fer your sake I gotta love him— ELSIE: No, no—I know what Pa is. Nobody knows better’n me.

He's the richest man in all a’ Dry Gulch, but do we ever see any ‘a’ his gold? Ha! He'd squeeze a nickel so hard the buffalo bellows. He ain’t never gonna let me marry a poor man like you.

LARRY: But I keep telling you—I ain't really poor. ELSIE: Oh, I know that, my love. You don't gotta convince me. I

know you're only workin’ fer my Pa to be closer to me, and I love you fer it. But it's Pa you gottta convince.

LARRY: If I could only find my long-lost family, I'd show him who's good enough fer his daughter. But I cain’t bear to leave you.

ELSIE: Any other father, it would be enough that you saved me from that bucking bronc.

LARRY: That was the first time I set eyes on you. It was love at first sight, I guess.

ELSIE: If it wasn't fer you, I'd be dead—but I guess his money is more important.

LARRY: Greedy old goat. ELSIE: You gotta work at getting’ on his good side.



LARRY: That there project’s comin’ along nicely. Y’see how I'm handlin’ the old buzzard. Flattery, flattery flattery. I might personally think he's the greediest son of a skunk merchant who ever stepped in a prairie dog hole—sorry—but I tell him different. I'm always complimenting him. I always agree with him, even when he's wrong. Especially when he's wrong. Some fellers are suckers fer that sorta thing, and your Pa is one of ‘em. There ain’t no way I can overdo it. I can tell he's warmin’ up to me. Loookit how he's made me manager ‘a’ the whole dang place already.

ELSIE: (Laughing.) Fletcher ain’t none too happy about that. He thinks the job oughter be his.

LARRY: Well, Fletcher jest don't know how to handle the old grabber. He's too honest—he don't know how to flatter. He'll always be jest a ranch hand.

ELSIE: Mebbe you should work on Clint, too. He might could help us.

LARRY: No—your brother and your father are so different there ain’t no way I can please 'em both at the same time. But you might could work on him. Here he comes—why not have a talk with him?

LARRY exits as CLINT enters. CLINT: Elsie! I'm glad you’re alone—I gotta talk to you. I got a

secret. ELSIE: You have? Why, so have I! But you first. CLINT looks around to be sure they are unobserved. CLINT: (With a confidential smirk.) I'm in love! ELSIE: In love! CLINT: Now, before you say anything, I know that I depend on Pa fer

everything, and it's my duty as a son to do what he says. I know he's older and wiser ‘n me and I should always foller his advice. I know I shouldn't be getting’ engaged unless he says so.

ELSIE: Engaged! CLINT: I know all that, so you can save yourself the trouble ‘a’ saying

it.


MATT BUCHANAN 5

ELSIE: Well, really—am I likely to go and say any such thing? Am I such an unsympathetic sister?

CLINT: No, but you ain’t in love. You don't know what it's like. ELSIE: (Giggling.) Mebbe it's time I told you my secret. CLINT: She's all I think about. ELSIE: So you're really engaged? CLINT: Er—well, no, not yet. In fact, I've only spoke to her a couple

times. ELSIE: Who is she? CLINT: Her name's Mary Ann. (Sighing.) Mary Ann! Ain’t that the

most beautiful name in all the world? (Sighing.) Mary Ann! ELSIE: Yeah, but who is she? CLINT: She jest moved into that little cabin acrost the valley with her

crippled mother. It's beautiful the way she takes care a’ the poor woman. I wisht you could see her.

ELSIE: I don't need to—if you love her, then she must be wonderful. CLINT: Oh, she is—but they're awful poor. I wisht I could do

something to help—to prove how much I love her—but with our Scrooge of a Pa I'm hogtied.

ELSIE: I know. He's got enough money to do whatever he likes, but all he likes is money. When Ma was alive, everything was fine, but now—

CLINT: I mean, I cain’t even afford decent clothes! Look at this hat! If he don't want to spend it himself, why don’t he give it to us? What good will it do us to inherit his money when we're too old to enjoy it?

ELSIE: But what's worse is he's never going to let either of us marry who we want—unless they strike gold or somethin’.

CLINT: Shh! Here he comes. Let's go somewhere’s else and try and figure out a way to make the old man cough up a little somethin’.

Exeunt ELSIE and CLINT, talking together, as FLETCHER enters backwards, immediately followed by RICHMAN, with whom HE is arguing. RICHMAN: Get out, I say! Out ‘a’ my house, you three-legged

horny-toad!



FLETCHER: What'd I do now? RICHMAN: It's not what you did; it's what you want to do. FLETCHER: I want to set in the house. RICHMAN: ‘Course you do. So’s you can stand there like a cactus

with eyes, spying on me and lookin’ fer somethin’ to steal. FLETCHER: How the dickens could anyone steal from you? You

lock everything up tighter’n the bite of a mule and guard it day and night.

RICHMAN: And how in tarnation would you know that, unless you've been spying on me?

FLETCHER: Everyone knows that! RICHMAN: I don't trust you and I don't want you in my livin’ room.

Not that I have any money hidden there. FLETCHER: You have money hidden? RICHMAN: I didn't say I do. I said, if I did, you'd try to steal it. FLETCHER: What do I care anyway? I never see any ‘a’ your

money. My pay is half what other farmhands make—and that's when you bother to pay me at all.

RICHMAN: What! Arguing with me? Complaints? I'll give you somethin’ to complain about!

RICHMAN raises his hand as if to hit FLETCHER. FLETCHER: All right, all right! I'm going! RICHMAN: Jest you hold on, there. What are you taking with you? FLETCHER: What would I take? RICHMAN: Show me your hands. FLETCHER holds out his hands. And your other ones. FLETCHER: My other hands? RICHMAN: What have you got in your jeans? FLETCHER: See fer yourself. RICHMAN begins to pat FLETCHER down.


MATT BUCHANAN 7

RICHMAN: These baggy jeans are made fer cartin’ off stolen property.

FLETCHER: (Aside to audience.) This feller really deserves to be robbed.

RICHMAN: What was that about robbing? FLETCHER: I said you're really bein’ careful not to be robbed. RICHMAN: And don't fergit it. FLETCHER: (Aside to audience.) Greedy miser oughtter be dunked

in the horse pond. RICHMAN: What’d you say? FLETCHER: What’d I say? RICHMAN: What'd you say about greedy misers? FLETCHER: I said all greedy misers oughtter be dunked in the horse

pond. RICHMAN: Who’re you talkin’ about? FLETCHER: Greedy misers. RICHMAN: And who are they? FLETCHER: Penny-pinchers. RICHMAN: But who do you mean? FLETCHER: I'm naming no names. Wait—you didn't think I was

talkin’ ‘bout you? RICHMAN: One more word and I'll get the horsewhip! FLETCHER: If the hat fits— RICHMAN begins beating FLETCHER with his hat. RICHMAN: Out! FLETCHER escapes from the fusillade and then stands wagging his behind at RICHMAN. FLETCHER: You missed a pocket! RICHMAN: Out! RICHMAN kicks FLETCHER in the behind, and FLETCHER exits hurriedly. RICHMAN addresses the audience.



RICHMAN: (Continued.) I don't trust that feller. You know, it ain't easy having a lotta money in the house. There jest ain’t no good place to hide it. A safe? That's the first place a burglar looks! Still, I ain’t easy in my mind about that cashbox I buried behind the cowshed. Fifteen hundred is a lotta money.

Enter CLINT and ELSIE in conversation. Dang! What did they hear? (Calling to them.) You two! CLINT: Howdy, Pa. RICHMAN: Have you been there long? ELSIE: What? RICHMAN: How much did you hear? CLINT: We were talking. RICHMAN: You must’ve heard! ELSIE: Heard what? RICHMAN: I was talkin’ about how it ain’t easy to find money these

days. I was saying it must be nice to have fifteen hundred in cash. CLINT: Yeah, but we wanted to— RICHMAN: I mean, I wouldn't want you to think I meant I had fifteen

hundred. CLINT: We really weren't listening. RICHMAN: I mean, it would be sweeter 'n a new filly if I did have

fifteen hundred— ELSIE: Pa— RICHMAN: Yeahsireebob—if I had fifteen hundred I'd have no

worries. ELSIE: Tarnation, Pa, you got no worries now. Everybody knows

you're about the richest man in town. RICHMAN: What! How can you say that? My own children are out

to get me! CLINT: Out to get you? RICHMAN: Spreadin’ rumors that I'm rich, so some gang a’ thieves’ll

come and cut my throat in the night. Between that and the money you two run through—

CLINT: When do I run through money?


MATT BUCHANAN 9

RICHMAN: Lookit that outfit! How much did all that fancy stitchin’ on your shirt cost you? And silver spurs—you don't even ride! I told off your sister yesterday fer her fancy dresses but you're even worse. Why, your hat alone’d feed a family a’ five. I don't know where you get the money to dress so slick. You must be robbin’ me.

CLINT: How could anyone possibly rob you? RICHMAN: Than where d’you get all that cash? CLINT: As a matter ‘a’ fact, I'm very lucky at cards, and I spend my

winnin’s on clothes. RICHMAN: If you're lucky enough to win at cards, you should sock

the cash away fer a rainy day, not blow it on fancy-schmancy clothes. But let's talk about something else. I got somethin’ to say to you both.

ELSIE: And we both got somethin’ to say to you, Pa. RICHMAN: It's about marriage. ELSIE: Oh! RICHMAN: What's the matter. What’re you afraid of, girl? The word

or the thing? CLINT: It's not marriage itself that scares us, Pa. We're jest afraid

your idea of the thing might not be ours. RICHMAN: Don't you worry none—I know what's best fer you. Now,

listen. (He puts his hand on CLINT's shoulder.) Have you noticed the young filly that's moved in over to that little cabin? Name a’ Mary Ann?

Behind RICHMAN's back, ELSIE makes a huge "can you believe it—what luck!" face at CLINT. CLINT struggles not to appear too excited. CLINT: Yeah, Pa, I seen her a few times. RICHMAN: What do you think of her? CLINT: She seems nice. RICHMAN: And her looks? CLINT: Very nice. RICHMAN: And the way she takes care of her poor sick mother? CLINT: As sweet as they come. RICHMAN: A girl like that would make a good match, don't you

think?



CLINT: Oh, Yeah, Pa. RICHMAN: She'd make a good wife, don’tcha think? CLINT: Very good... RICHMAN: There's jest one slight problem. She's awful poor. CLINT: Aw, Pa, what's money matter when you're in love? RICHMAN: Shet your mouth! Money always matters! Still, I'm glad

to hear that you agree with me about Mary Ann. CLINT: Oh, Yeah, Pa! Oh, Yeah! RICHMAN: Because her gentle daintiness has taken my heart, and I

done made up my mind to marry her. CLINT: What! RICHMAN: What's the matter? CLINT: You made up your mind— RICHMAN: To marry Mary Ann. Yeah. CLINT: Who? You? You? RICHMAN: Yeah, me, me. What the dickens is the matter? CLINT: I feel sick. I better go. RICHMAN: Go take a walk in the air—you'll feel better. Exit CLINT. These young bucks ain’t got no guts or toughness at all. Now,

then, my dear. That's the bride I've picked fer myself. I'm going to marry your brother to a widder woman I heard about in town—she's on death's door, and loaded, they tell me. As fer you—whadya think of Marshal Hanson?

ELSIE: The Marshal! But he's ancient! RICHMAN: Codswallop. He cain’t be more’n fifty-five. What's more

important, when this territory is a state, he might could end up Governor. Besides, he's rich. You'll be set fer life.

ELSIE: (With a curtsey.) Pa, I don't want to get married jest yet. RICHMAN: (Imitating her.) But I, my dear, want you to get married. ELSIE: (With a curtsey.) I'm really sorry, Pa. RICHMAN: (Imitating her.) No, I'm really sorry, buttercup. ELSIE: I'm sure the Marshal is a fine man, (Curtseying again.) but if

you don't mind, I ain't marryin’ him. RICHMAN: The Marshal is a fine man, (Imitating her again.) and if

you don't mind, you will. Tonight.


MATT BUCHANAN 11

ELSIE: Tonight! RICHMAN: Tonight. ELSIE: I won't do it, Pa! RICHMAN: Oh, yeah, you will. ELSIE: I'll kill myself before I marry that man. RICHMAN: That's ridikkulus! I forbid you to kill yourself! You will

marry Marshal Hanson, and you’ll marry him tonight! Who ever heard of a daughter talkin’ to her father that way?

ELSIE: Who ever heard of a father givin’ away his daughter this way?

RICHMAN: I bet everyone will approve of my choice! ELSIE: I bet no reasonable person will! RICHMAN: Here comes my new ranch manager. Will you accept his

judgment? ELSIE: (Aside.) What luck! (Aloud.) Oh! Yeah, a’course. If he

says I should marry the Marshal, I'll accept his judgment. RICHMAN: Hey! Larry! C'mere a minute! Enter LARRY. I want you to settle a little dustup between me and my daughter.

We're agreed that we'll both accept your decision who's right. LARRY: Oh, you are sir—no question. ELSIE gasps. RICHMAN: But you don't even know what it's about. LARRY: Don't matter. You couldn't possibly be wrong. RICHMAN: I’ve chosen a husband fer little Elsie, here—a rich and

powerful man. LARRY: A husband! RICHMAN: And the little minx has the sauce to tell me to my face

she won't marry him. Whadya say to that? LARRY: What do I say? RICHMAN: Yeah. LARRY: Well, er— RICHMAN: Whadya say? Who’s right?



LARRY: Well, sir, all in all I agree with you. You couldn't be wrong. But, there again, she's not entirely wrong either, so—

RICHMAN: How can we both be right? Marshal Hanson— LARRY: The Marshal! RICHMAN: —is a perfect match. He's rich, he's powerful, and he

has no young’uns of his own, so she'll inherit everything. LARRY: Well, a’course that's true. But she might say that you're

hurrying things up a bit. You might could give her time to sorta think it over.

RICHMAN: Pigsbladders! She should grab the opportunity while she can. Besides, he's agreed to marry her without a dowry.

LARRY: No dowry? RICHMAN: No dowry. Won't cost me a cent to marry her off. LARRY: Well, in that case, there ain’t nothin’ more to say. RICHMAN: I mean, that's a significant savin’s. LARRY: Fer sure. Now it's true that young Elsie might say that

marriage is more important than you think, and mebbe money ain't everything. I mean, her future happiness—

RICHMAN: No dowry! LARRY: Well, a’course that says it all, don't it? I mean, other people

might say that your daughter's wishes oughtter be thought of. The difference in age—

RICHMAN: No dowry! LARRY: I cain’t argue with that. Not that some fathers wouldn't

ruther have their daughters happy—wouldn't sacrifice ‘em fer money. Other fathers might be more interested in makin’ a happy marriage than a rich one.

RICHMAN: But no dowry! LARRY: Settles the question, a’course. You're right as always.

Young missy, you oughtter listen to your Pappy—he's older 'n wiser’n you.

RICHMAN: (Anxiously.) Was that a dog barkin’ out by the cow shed? Someone's after my money! Not that I have money buried behind the cow shed. Lookit—stay right here. I’ll be right back.

RICHMAN rushes off. ELSIE smacks LARRY hard. ELSIE: You horny-toad! What'd you have to go and say all that fer?


MATT BUCHANAN 13

LARRY: Now jest hold on a minute! ELSIE: Are you tired ‘a’ me already? Trying to get rid ‘a’ me? LARRY: Elsie, honey, no! I'm as set as ever to have you fer myself.

But that ain't gonna happen unless I can keep your Pa on my side. If I'd a set up against him now, it'd a ruined everything.

ELSIE: But this weddin’! LARRY: Well, we jest gotta find an excuse to break it off. ELSIE: But he wants to do it tonight! LARRY: I know—pretend to be sick. Say you've got corn fever. ELSIE: But he'll call a doctor and he'll give me away. LARRY: Pah! What do doctors know? If they can make a dollar

curin’ you, they'll find somethin’ to tell you you got, don't you worry. Re-enter RICHMAN. RICHMAN: It was nothin’, thank heavens. LARRY: (To ELISE.) Then if worse comes to worse, we'll run away

together. If only your love is a strong as mine we'll be okay—(He sees RICHMAN.)—Like I said, your Pappy is only got your interests at heart, and you oughtter listen to him. And when a father has found such a powerful good match as this one, and no dowry, why a girl oughtter be grateful and not complain.

RICHMAN: That's the ticket! LARRY: Sorry sir—I didn't mean to speak to your daughter so firm-

like. RICHMAN: No, no! She needs a firm hand. I'm all fer it. From now

on, I want you to take full charge of her. (To ELSIE.) Run away as much as you like, little girl. I am giving this man all the authority I have as your father, so you better do jest what he says.

LARRY: (To ELSIE, with a wink.) You heard him. (To RICHMAN.) If you don't mind, sir, I think I'll take this young minx fer a walk and continue to learn her how to behave. I mean to keep a good firm hold on ‘er.

RICHMAN: Absolutely. I'm trusting you to learn her what’s right. LARRY and ELSIE start to exit.



LARRY: Yeah, money is the most important thing, my girl. You oughtter thank your stars you have a Pappy like that, who keeps a firm hand on his gold, and teaches you to live the same way.

Exit LARRY and ELSIE. RICHMAN: What a poet! What luck, stumblin’ on a ranch manager

like that! RICHMAN starts to exit as VERLINE enters. VERLINE: Oh! Jest the man I come to see. RICHMAN: Wait a minute, my dear—I'll be right back. (Aside.) I

gotta jest check on my money. Exit RICHMAN. Enter FLETCHER. FLETCHER: Verline! What brings you here? VERLINE: Oh, business, business. A matchmaker's work ain't never

done. FLETCHER: What! Are you arranging a match fer Old Man

Richman? VERLINE: Yep. You might think that'd be too much even fer me, but

I expect to pull it off, and when I do, I expect a nice little re-ward. FLETCHER: From him? I wouldn't count my chickens. VERLINE: Nonsense. Some services are so valuable anybody will

unbelt. FLETCHER: You don't know Richman. He hates to even open his

wallet, let alone take anything out. Sure, he'll give you thanks. He'll give you praise, as many smiles as you want, but money? In a pig's eye.

VERLINE: Oh, I 'spect I can convince him. FLETCHER: If you do, you'll be the first. But here he comes. I ain’t

too popular with the old boy jest now, so I'm off. Exit FLETCHER. Enter RICHMAN.


MATT BUCHANAN 15

RICHMAN: (Aside.) So far, so good. (Aloud.) Now, whadda you want, Miss Verline?

VERLINE: My, my! How fit and virile you're looking, Mr. Richman! RICHMAN: Who, me? VERLINE: I don't know when I've seen a manlier-lookin’ man. RICHMAN: Really? VERLINE: Young and robust and handsome. RICHMAN: But Verline, I'm over sixty. VERLINE: What's sixty? You're at your peak, and you know it. RICHMAN: Still, you'll admit I could stand to shed a few years. VERLINE: Nonsense! You'll live to a hundred. RICHMAN: You think? VERLINE: Give me your hand. He does. There, look at that life line! Did I say a hundred? Make it a

hundred and fifty. RICHMAN: Come on! VERLINE: They'll have to push you off a cliff. Why, you'll bury your

children. Your grandchildren. RICHMAN: Well, it's nice ‘a’ you to say. Now, how is our little project

coming along? About Mary Ann? VERLINE: Do you even have to ask? You know there ain't no better

matchmaker than Miss Verline anywhere in the whole territory. Why, if I wanted to, I could marry a mud-owl to an armadillo. Not that there was any challenge this time. I told Mary Ann's mother about your proposal, and about how you saw her hangin’ out the wash and fell instantly in love.

RICHMAN: Well, what did she say? VERLINE: Loved the idea. RICHMAN: And did you ask if Mary Ann could come over tonight?

See, I have to give a party anyway, 'cuz I'm marrying my daughter Elsie off to the Marshal, and I thought, why spend money on two parties when one would do?

VERLINE: She'll be here. She's very excited to meet you.



RICHMAN: Now Verline, have you spoken to her mother about that other matter? About the money? I mean, I know they're not well off, but no one marries a girl without a dowry.

VERLINE: How's twelve hundred a year sound? RICHMAN: Twelve hundred a year! I didn't expect that much! VERLINE: Sure. See, first of all, she grew up poor, right? She's

used to eating cheap, simple food, and not so much of it. So she won't expect you to feed her fancy vittles like most wives would. That'll save you at least five hundred a year right there. And you know how simple she dresses. She won't be runnin’ up bills at all the fancy shops down to the county seat the way a lotta wives do. That's a savings of at least another four hundred a year. And then there's gambling. You might not know it, but a lotta wives jest love to gamble. I had a client up in Freemont lost over three hundred in one month. Even if she don’t do it but oncet a year, that comes to twelve hundred in savings all told.

RICHMAN: Well, a’course that's all well and good, but there's nothin’ to it.

VERLINE: Nothin’ to it? When the girl saves you twelve hundred a year, there's nothin’ to it?

RICHMAN: It's ridiculous to make me a dowry outta what I won't spend. I need somethin’ I can touch.

VERLINE: You'll get it. They told me about some property they stand to inherit.

RICHMAN: Well, I'll believe that when I see it. Meanwhile, there’s somethin’ else that kinda worries me.

VERLINE: Well? RICHMAN: Well, see, Mary Ann is a little younger’n me, and young

folk tend to take mostly to other young folk. I'm afraid she might not like me because I'm a little older.

VERLINE: Well, that jest shows how much you know. She hates young men. She only likes old men.

RICHMAN: Really? VERLINE: You should hear her talk. She cain’t bear the sight of a

young man with a straight back and a clean chin. She loves to look at old men with gray beards. Why, not six months ago she broke off a marriage when the groom didn't need glasses to sign the marriage contract.


MATT BUCHANAN 17

RICHMAN: Jest fer that? VERLINE: So I wouldn't go tryin’ to look younger’n you are. RICHMAN: Well, I’ll be!. There again, if I was a woman, I don't think

I'd of liked young men either. VERLINE: I know, me too. I mean, I am a woman, but what I mean

is, what do girls see in those primping young peacocks? Compared to someone majestic like you.

RICHMAN: You like my looks, do you? VERLINE: Lemme see you walk. RICHMAN struts about self-consciously. Poetry in motion! The picture of mature health. RICHMAN: Yeah, no ailments to speak of, but fer a little sciatica

when it rains and a little phlegm now and then. VERLINE: Oh, but your stoop is charming, and you cough like a god. RICHMAN: Tell me, Verline—has Mary Ann seen me? VERLINE: No, but I described you to her and she could hardly

believe it. RICHMAN: Really, Miss Verline, you’ve done well. I'm much

obliged. VERLINE: Now that you mention it, I do have a teensy favor to ask. I

got a little problem that I could solve with jest a little money. RICHMAN frowns. You see, a certain girl's father thinks I should’ve told her before

she signed the marriage contract that the groom was about to be arrested fer bank robbery. If I could return my fee—You won't believe how excited Mary Ann will be to meet you!

RICHMAN smiles. And she'll jest flip over those shabby, old-fashioned clothes.

Y’see, if I could jest have a few dollars to pay him off— RICHMAN frowns.



VERLINE: (Continued.) You should've seen her face when I described you to her.

RICHMAN smiles. I wouldn't ask, only he mentioned a horsewhip. Jest a few pieces

‘a’ gold— RICHMAN frowns. You'd be saving me from a horrible fate! RICHMAN: Goodbye, Miss Verline, and again, much obliged fer your

help. VERLINE: Think ‘a’ the pleasure ‘a’ savin’ a human life! RICHMAN: What's that? I thought I heard someone calling my

name. (Shouting.) Hold yer horses—I'm comin’! Exit RICHMAN. VERLINE: (Calling after him.) May you sit on a scorpion, you

tightfisted old goat! (To audience.) Well, that went well. Never mind—mebbe I can get a better reward from the bride's side.

Exit VERLINE. Enter, in a line, CLINT, ELSIE, FLETCHER and LARRY. They are followed in by RICHMAN, who stalks before them like a commander at inspection. RICHMAN: All right, everyone. This here party tonight had better go

jest perfect, or somebody'll suffer fer it. Listen close and I'll tell you what your jobs are. (To CLINT.) You're in charge of handing out the food and drink—but only when folks ask. Don't go around offering drinks to folks who didn't even know they was thirsty. And make sure you add plenty a’ water to the drinks.

CLINT: Sure, Pa. RICHMAN: (To ELSIE.) Your job is to keep an eye on what folks

don't eat. I don't want nothin’ goin’ to waste. If somebody takes a chicken leg and only eats half, save the other half fer tomorrow's soup. It'll be good practice fer married life.


MATT BUCHANAN 19

ELSIE: Okay, Pa. RICHMAN: And both ‘a’ you—I expect you to be on your best

behavior. This girl is coming to meet my family, so none ‘a’ your usual tricks. You (To ELSIE.) make sure you treat her sweet, and not like a cat. And you (To CLINT.) no sour faces.

CLINT: Awe, now why would I make faces, Pa? RICHMAN: Come off it! I know what children are like when fathers

remarry. But this girl is gonna be your stepmammy, so you treat her with respect.

CLINT: Well, Pa, I'd be lying if I said I was happy she's gonna be my stepmother, but I can promise you that I'll treat her as nice as pie.

RICHMAN: You jest better. Now, off with you two, and change your clothes. Try to make yourselves look a little less like somethin' a pig upchucked.

Exit CLINT and ELSIE. Now, you, Fletcher. I promised the Marshal a right fine shindig

tonight. Are you going to cook up some tasty vittles? FLETCHER: Now, hold on there, chief. You're talkin’ to your cook. RICHMAN: I know I am. FLETCHER: But I'm your ranch hand. RICHMAN: What! FLETCHER: See, these here is my ranch hand clothes. RICHMAN: So? FLETCHER: You want your cook. Hang on a minute. FLETCHER exits rapidly and reappears almost immediately in the outfit of a cook. Now, what did you want, chief? RICHMAN: (Ironically.) Well, Fletcher, as I was jest telling my ranch

hand, I promised the Marshal there would be some fine eatin' here tonight. Can you give us lots ‘a’ good food?

FLETCHER: A’course. RICHMAN: Good. Now— FLETCHER: If you give me lots ‘a’ good money. RICHMAN: What!



FLETCHER: A lotta good food costs a lotta money. RICHMAN: Money, money, money! It's all they think about! LARRY: I ain't never heard a more weak-kneed answer’n that. Why,

any durn fool can make a lotta good food fer a lotta money! A good cook oughtter to be able to make a lotta good food fer very little money.

FLETCHER: (With heat.) Well, then, mister ranch manager, sir, mebbe you'd like to show us that little secret and take over as cook.

RICHMAN: That's enough. What'll we have? FLETCHER: Ask him. He seems to know everything. RICHMAN: I'm asking you. FLETCHER: Fine. How many? RICHMAN: Oh, eight or ten. But don't count on more then eight. If

there's enough fer eight, there's enough fer ten. LARRY: Goes without saying. FLETCHER: Okay, well, let's see. We'll need four or five racks a’

ribs, three or four nice chickens, beans, a couple dozen ears a’ sweet corn, a nice roast—

RICHMAN: Is he feeding a whole wagon train? FLETCHER: Two or three nice pies fer dessert. RICHMAN clamps his hand over FLETCHER's mouth. RICHMAN: You'll eat me outta house and home! LARRY: What's the matter with you? Do you want everyone to

burst? Why, there ain’t nothin’ more deadly than an overloaded supper table. Ask any doctor.

RICHMAN: Absolutely! LARRY: Fletcher, there's a little saying I think you oughtter study up:

We should eat to live—not live to eat! RICHMAN: I like that! We should eat to live—not live to eat! Who

said that? LARRY: I did. RICHMAN: Well, write it down fer me. LARRY: I will. As fer your little shindig, leave the food to me. I'll

take care of it cheap. FLETCHER: Fine with me—that's less fer me to do.


MATT BUCHANAN 21

RICHMAN: Now then, Fletcher, go and get the wagon ready to pick up my bride.

FLETCHER: Now, wait jest a doggone minute. These here is my cook clothes.

RICHMAN: What! FLETCHER: Wait here. FLETCHER exits rapidly and returns almost immediately in his ranch hand outfit and carrying his cook's hat, which he thrusts violently into LARRY's hands. Okay. Now what was it you wanted? RICHMAN: As I was jest telling my former cook, I need the wagon

hooked up so that you can go and drive Mary Ann here fer the party.

FLETCHER: Drive her? You're kidding. Your horses are in no shape to pull a wagon. They're half starved.

RICHMAN: What! FLETCHER: I ain’t sayin’ they're stretched out on their straw—that

would be a sick joke. They got no straw! They cain’t hardly pull their own weight, let alone your wagon.

RICHMAN: But they never do any work! FLETCHER: So they don't need any food? They'd be better off

workin’ hard and eatin’ good. It breaks my heart to see them so skinny ‘n’ weak. I even give 'em some ‘a’ my own breakfast every day.

RICHMAN: It's only across the valley. FLETCHER: No, sir. I jest ain’t got the heart to drive ‘em. I couldn't

use the whip. I jest cain’t do it. LARRY: Don't worry. I'll get our neighbor, Pickens to do it. He owes

me a favor. FLETCHER: Good. I'd druther they died on someone else's hands. RICHMAN: Simmer down! FLETCHER: Cain’t you see what he's doing, chief? I cain’t stand

flatterers, and that's all he is. He's jest trying to get on your good side. The only one who really cares about you is me. Besides my poor horses, you're my favorite critter, and it jest breaks my heart to hear what people say about you.



RICHMAN: Oh, and what do people say about me? FLETCHER: No, you'll only get mad. RICHMAN: No, really, I wanna know. FLETCHER: And you promise not to get mad? RICHMAN: I promise I won't be mad. What do they say about me? FLETCHER: I know you'll get mad. RICHMAN: I'm starting to get mad, now, Fletcher! What do they

say? FLETCHER: If you say so, chief. Every time we go into Dry Gulch,

everyone makes jokes about our stingy boss. They tell all manner a’ stories about how tight you are with money. They say when you send your herd to the stockyards you make your cowboys ride the cows to save on horses. They say you pick fights with your hired hands jest before Christmas so you don't have to give ‘em bonuses. Then there's the story of the time you tried to take a cat before Judge Peters fer stealin’ a piece a’ meat. Or the one about how you was caught stealin’ oats from your own horses, and your ranch hand—the one before me—didn't recognize you in the dark and beat the tar outer ya. You cain’t hardly go nowhere without hearing stories about you. You're a laughing-stock all over town. Nobody ever says nothin’ about you without using words like Miser, Curmudgeon, Penny-pincher or Tightfist.

RICHMAN: How dare you talk like that to me? RICHMAN begins to beat FLETCHER with his hat, punctuating his speech with blows. Miser! Take that! Penny-pincher! Again! I'll teach you to talk

about your betters! Take that! FLETCHER: I told you so! RICHMAN: You're a rascal and a horny-toad! Take that! I've had it! RICHMAN storms off. LARRY laughs. LARRY: Well, old pal, now you see what you get fer all your honesty. FLETCHER: Listen, mister manager! You laugh at your own lickin’s

when you get 'em. Don't come here to laugh at mine! LARRY: Hey—don't get mad!


Thank you for reading this free excerpt from:MISER OF DRY GULCH

by Matt Buchanan.

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