MILK CRUSADE

The Adventure of You, Hung-over seeker of food.

Don’t ruin it for yourself, view slideshow now.

THE WAKE-UPThe bed is comfy. You roll on your side for

an extra five minutes of sleep until you

realise there are no blinds to stop the

blinding light of the morning scorching your

eyes, the confusion that accompanies this

only intensifies your headache and your

stomach is making sounds. You are not sure

if you are hungry or about to shit the bed.

That’s strange you think, your bedroom

always had blinds.

Alas, you’re not in your house anymore.

Check the Fridge

Shit the Bed

THE FRIDGE

Does this person buy only unbranded

things? Look how organised everything

is. Who owns this place? What is bleach

doing in place of the milk?

These questions are too much for your

dazed state.

You begin to pour yourself a tall, cool

glass of bleach before you realise that

there’s enough stuff here for an

omelette. But you need milk. No other

options.

YOU NEED THIS.

Go to the store

SHIT THE BED

Oh wow. Jesus-Fucking-Christ.

You shit the bed.

This isn’t even your bed.

Your headache alleviates and

you feel a little better. You can

clean this mess up later. Right

now you’re pretty hungry.

Go to Fridge

OH MAN FUCK THESE KIDS

They’re talking in fucking annoying

voices. God damn it you hate them

so fucking much. They’re so

fucking loud.

The two girls are talking at the

same time. This looks really

familiar but you just don’t care

right now, but those girls should

know better than to talk to losers

on tricycles who don’t own Green

Machines.Ignore them and go to the store

Tease the children

THE STREET

Oh man, there’s a 7/11 right

next to the apartment. This

person must be pretty

loaded. Look at all those

scooters. How metropolitan.

Maybe we could get some

better milk at the

supermarket though. 7/11

usually the Use-By date

concealed by a layer of thick

black marker.

Take your chances and go to 7/11

Walk to the supermarket

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?

Here you were teasing the

children and out of nowhere

they started calling you ‘Gay’

over and over in unison. This

brought back memories of your

childhood and was the last thing

you remember before you

blacked out and woke up to this.

Did you do it? Best not to stick

around and find out.Casually head to the store

Check for witnesses

WITNESSES

What the fuck is that thing?

Nope, lets get right the fuck

out of here. You tell the guy

he looks dapper and Man-

Bear-Pig that he’s doing ok

at whatever he’s doing and

head on your way.

It’s time to go to the store.

Go to the store

7/11

Look at those soulless eyes.

That monobrow. That

overpowering cologne. That

ethnicity you can’t quite put

your finger on.

In an accented monotone he

asks if that is all. Milk’s all

you really want right now.

Leave with the strange smelling milk

THE SUPERMARKET

Man this place is so neat.

Everything is so easy to find.

But alas, do you have any

money? You can feel your

card in your pocket, but

maybe you could pay with

change? Up to you.

Rummage through pockets

Proceed to counter

WAIT WHAT?

Nearly there. Little deeper. Wait

what are these?

You open your palm.

Holy shit.

Do you? I mean, you’re in the

supermarket. You’re pretty

hung-over, and knowing you, you

probably shit the bed and need

to go back, make an omelette

and clean up the shit.Lets do this

Drop them on the floor. Let the toddlers have ‘

em.

FUUUUUUCK

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

SH

WHOOSH

YEAH

WE ARE GOING SO

FUCKING FAST.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH

WHOOSH

FUCK YEAH

OLIVE OIL, CHEAP WINE,

WATER, HALF OF THE

FRESH PRODUCE

SECTION. WE’RE DOIN’ IT.

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH

VROOM

EXTRA BASKET OF FRESH PRODUCE

WHY THE FUCK NOT?

NEEEOW

…

…

…

WHAT THE FUCK?

Start Again.

Start Again?

HEADING BACK

Congrats kid, time to clean

up your shit and make an

omelette but wait what the

fuck is tha-

Sweet Baby Fucking Jesus

HMMMN…

It’s Jack Nicholson. He’s giving

you a thumbs up. His smile is

knowing, as if you’re an old

friend, or as if he’s just done

something horrible. Something

terrible. Something that you

couldn’t possibly kn-

Oh shit.

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.

What now?Run Stare in aw

e

WOOFT, PANT

You’ve been running from

Jack for hours, yet you still

feel his presence behind

you. You’re going have to

leave the city. You’re tired,

but your intense (or

extremely average day) has

made you feel strange. Do

you head to the woods or

embrace the light that calls

to you?

The light… TO THE WOODS

OH…

Pretty.

…

HOW?

…

WOW

…

IT’S BEAUTIFUL.

You came for milk, and you’ve

found something more.

Enlightenment.

You truly know how beautiful the

world is, and your arrogance upon

your return is sure to piss off

everyone around you.

The future holds for you no friends.

The End.

Start again?

LEK SHU?

You ran for the whole night and you’re

exhausted. A swole Lebanese man

approaches you and speaks to you in a

dialect you don’t quite understand.

“SHU BB? SHU?”

He motions a bucket of deep-fryer

grease towards you. You’re not sure

whether to grease yourself to stop

Jack’s impending grasp, or whether to

continue on your way, not trusting this

brah.

Grease up Fuck this brah

OH FUCK HE’S GOT US

There’s nothing we can do

now. Lets just see how this

pans out.

Submit to chloroform

FOREBODING

Your greased, naked torso

manages to slip through

Jack’s fingers, and quickly, a

black care with tinted

windows pulls up, motioning

for him to enter. Jack smiles

at you, lighting a cigarettes

and gives you a finger gun.

He‘ll be back for you. But

fuck it, let’s go home and eat

that omelette.

Omelette

CONGRATULATIONS

You didn’t stray from the task

AND we actually got the omelette.

What a great day.

You got the least zany of outcomes

and actually did all right. All it

may have took was a little bed

shitting, minority bashing, drug-

taking, greasing, and shopping to

get it all done.

Start Again?

URRGH.

Your head is pounding.

We’re back in the lobby.

What the fuck?

You’re slipping out of

consciousness again and as

you do a figure comes

toward you. Before you can

make out just who it is, you

black out.Pass out

…

…

Wake up

SHIT

Jack greets you as you wake

up. It’s a one way street

from here. No way you can

get out of this.

It’s his apartment.

You shat in Jack Nicholson’s

bed, and now you’re going to

pay.

You really shit the bed on

this one.Fight against the power

Accept your fate

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

HAHA

Jack Nicholson openly mocks

your attempt to resist and

motions for you to look at his

wall of previous victims who

he had bound, and done

unspeakable things to.

Ranging from ‘rusty

trombones’, to ‘hot lunches’

before slaughtering their

fragile, weak bodies and

repeating the process.

Look at the wall

NO BIG LOSS

Turn back and run

HE’S BEHIND YOU.

You can feel Jack’s breath on

your neck. He’s laughing

and it echoes through the

halls. He knows no matter

the outcome, you are

doomed and he will claim his

prize. You make it to the

front door and are thrust

into…Run outside

A HEDGE MAZE!

Maybe you can lose him in

here.

Keep running

OH NO…

You’ve been running for

hours but you grew tired.

You turn a corner exhausted,

and there is Jack. He’s been

running for hours and he’s

all worked up on the smell of

your fear.

With a growl he pounces on

top of you.Cry deeply

GETTING HIJACKED BY BIG JACK NICHOLSON

He’s in you now and there’s

no point resisting. His girth

is immense. You do not know

how too feel. Too many

emotions overwhelm you.

Fear, star-struckness, awe,

arousal, and sadness.

Pass out.

CONGRATULATIONS

You wake up after blacking out

mid-Nicholsonation. It appears

Jack had his way with you to the

point the fluids leaving his body

covered both him and you.

Maybe someone will find you one

day, maybe not. You’re quite deep

in the maze. You’re preserved in

Jack Nicholsemen, you no mouth,

and you must scream.

Start again?