Parenting Strategies to Parenting Strategies to Invite SuccessInvite Success

A Collaboration of Educators’ PerspectivesA Collaboration of Educators’ PerspectivesDr. Julie Charles, K-8 Assistant PrincipalDr. Julie Charles, K-8 Assistant Principal

Dr. Michele Robinson, K-8 PrincipalDr. Michele Robinson, K-8 Principal

Why Are We Here, Anyway?Why Are We Here, Anyway?

What Does Effective Parenting Look LikeWhat Does Effective Parenting Look Like Tips and Strategies for Inviting Children to be Tips and Strategies for Inviting Children to be

SuccessfulSuccessful An Introduction to “Love and Logic” An Introduction to “Love and Logic” (Jim Fay, Charles Fay, Ph.D. and Foster Kline, M.D.)(Jim Fay, Charles Fay, Ph.D. and Foster Kline, M.D.)

““The Three R’s”The Three R’s”as we know themas we know them

Respect- Giving and getting itRespect- Giving and getting it Responsibility- Teaching and modeling itResponsibility- Teaching and modeling it Relationship- Creating and maintaining itRelationship- Creating and maintaining it

A Recipe For SuccessA Recipe For Success

Take one child (recipe may Take one child (recipe may be doubled, or tripled)be doubled, or tripled)

Add effective parent (s)Add effective parent (s) Expect things to be stirred Expect things to be stirred

upup Monitor for a Monitor for a minimumminimum of of

18 years18 years Check readiness frequentlyCheck readiness frequently Serve and enjoyServe and enjoy

Successful ChildrenSuccessful Children

Are respectful, responsible and are a joy to be Are respectful, responsible and are a joy to be aroundaround

Have acquired self-confidence (not self-Have acquired self-confidence (not self-importance) from struggles and achievementimportance) from struggles and achievement

Can problem solve with adult guidanceCan problem solve with adult guidance Are accountable for their mistakes and poor Are accountable for their mistakes and poor

decisionsdecisions Are prepared for all that life has to offerAre prepared for all that life has to offer

Success Looks Like ThisSuccess Looks Like This

Effective Parents Look Like This…Effective Parents Look Like This…

Honest- “Yes, I made similar mistakes.”Honest- “Yes, I made similar mistakes.” Open- Parenting is not an opportunity for you to Open- Parenting is not an opportunity for you to

reinvent yourself. Remain open to your child’s reinvent yourself. Remain open to your child’s emerging individuality.emerging individuality.

Consistent- Unless you determine a need for Consistent- Unless you determine a need for change, things should look the same from day to change, things should look the same from day to day.day.

Active Listeners- Includes eye contact, attentive Active Listeners- Includes eye contact, attentive postures and “echoing” your child’s thoughts.postures and “echoing” your child’s thoughts.

Effective Parents Enjoy The Best Effective Parents Enjoy The Best Things In Life, Their Children!Things In Life, Their Children!

Reviewing Our ProgressReviewing Our Progress(AKA: pop quiz)(AKA: pop quiz)

The Three R’s The Three R’s

Respect, Responsibility and RelationshipRespect, Responsibility and Relationship Effective Parents Effective Parents

Open, Honest, Consistent and Active ListenersOpen, Honest, Consistent and Active Listeners Successful ChildrenSuccessful Children

Self Confident, Problem Solvers, Responsible,Self Confident, Problem Solvers, Responsible,

Accountable, Respectful, Prepared for Life. Accountable, Respectful, Prepared for Life.

Effective Parents Do What?Effective Parents Do What?

Encourage Independent Thinking Encourage Independent Thinking Model RespectModel Respect Communicate EffectivelyCommunicate Effectively Accept Diversity in OthersAccept Diversity in Others Manage Adversity Manage Adversity Actively Problem SolveActively Problem Solve Listen AttentivelyListen Attentively

Parenting With Love, and LogicParenting With Love, and Logic

RULE #1RULE #1 Adults set firm limits in loving ways without anger, lecture, or Adults set firm limits in loving ways without anger, lecture, or

threats.threats.

RULE #2RULE #2 When a child causes a problem the adult hands it back in loving When a child causes a problem the adult hands it back in loving

waysways

Children are offered choices with limits. Children are offered choices with limits.

The adult's empathy is "locked in" before consequences are delivered.The adult's empathy is "locked in" before consequences are delivered.

Fay, J. (1996). Fay, J. (1996). The Rules of Love and Logic. The Rules of Love and Logic. [Electonic Version][Electonic Version] Retrieved February 9, Retrieved February 9, 2007, from http://www.loveandlogic.com/pages/rules.html2007, from http://www.loveandlogic.com/pages/rules.html

Children Are Offered Choices With Children Are Offered Choices With LimitsLimits

Would you like to wear your coat or carry it? Would you like to wear your coat or carry it? Are you going to clean the garage or mow the lawn this Are you going to clean the garage or mow the lawn this

week? week? Are you having peas or carrots as your vegetable tonight? Are you having peas or carrots as your vegetable tonight? Are you going to bed now? Or would you like to wait 15 Are you going to bed now? Or would you like to wait 15

minutes? minutes? Are you going to put your pajamas on first or brush your Are you going to put your pajamas on first or brush your

teeth first? teeth first? Will you be home at 10:00? Or do you need an extra half Will you be home at 10:00? Or do you need an extra half

hour with your friends? hour with your friends? Are you guys going to stop bickering? Or would you rather Are you guys going to stop bickering? Or would you rather

pay me for having to hear it? pay me for having to hear it?

Empathy is KeyEmpathy is Key

Most adults find it difficult to deliver Most adults find it difficult to deliver empathy when a child has misbehaved. The empathy when a child has misbehaved. The more natural tendency is to show anger, more natural tendency is to show anger, threaten, and lecture threaten, and lecture

Communicating Empathy Tells ChildrenCommunicating Empathy Tells Children My parents care about me. My parents care about me. My parents aren't going to back down. No My parents aren't going to back down. No

use in arguing! use in arguing!

The Benefits of Kissing The Benefits of Kissing The Boo-Boos FirstThe Boo-Boos First

The child is not distracted by the adult's anger The child is not distracted by the adult's anger The adult-child relationship is maintained. The adult-child relationship is maintained. The child is much less likely to seek revenge. The child is much less likely to seek revenge. The adult is seen as being able to handle The adult is seen as being able to handle

problems without breaking a sweat. problems without breaking a sweat.

Three Parenting StylesThree Parenting Styles

CONSULTANTCONSULTANTThis parent provides guidance and consultant This parent provides guidance and consultant services for children.services for children.

HELICOPTERHELICOPTERThis parent hovers over children and rescues This parent hovers over children and rescues them from the hostile world in which they live.them from the hostile world in which they live.

DRILL SERGEANTDRILL SERGEANTThis parent commands and directs the lives of This parent commands and directs the lives of children.children.

Compare and ContrastCompare and Contrast

The Consultant parent demonstrates how to The Consultant parent demonstrates how to take care of self and be responsibletake care of self and be responsible

The Helicopter parent "takes on" the The Helicopter parent "takes on" the responsibility of the childresponsibility of the child

The Drill Sergeant tells the child how he/she The Drill Sergeant tells the child how he/she should handle responsibilityshould handle responsibility

More ComparisonsMore Comparisons

The Consultant provides "time frames" in The Consultant provides "time frames" in which child may complete responsibilitieswhich child may complete responsibilities

The Helicopter provides no structure, but The Helicopter provides no structure, but complains, "After all I've done for you...“complains, "After all I've done for you...“

The Drill Sergeant demands that jobs or The Drill Sergeant demands that jobs or responsibilities be done nowresponsibilities be done now

And Even More ComparisonsAnd Even More Comparisons

The Consultant often asks self, "Who owns the The Consultant often asks self, "Who owns the problem?" helps the child explore solutions to problem?" helps the child explore solutions to his/her problemhis/her problem

The Helicopter whines and complains about The Helicopter whines and complains about having an irresponsible child who causes "me" having an irresponsible child who causes "me" much work and responsibilitymuch work and responsibility

The Drill Sergeant takes over ownership of the The Drill Sergeant takes over ownership of the problem using threats and orders to solve the problem using threats and orders to solve the problemproblem

The Builders vs. The StealersThe Builders vs. The Stealers Focus on strengthsFocus on strengths Expect children to work for what Expect children to work for what

they wantthey want Set limits and expect children to Set limits and expect children to

behavebehave Make discipline look easyMake discipline look easy Show children that arguing and Show children that arguing and

manipulating does not workmanipulating does not work Guide children to own and solve Guide children to own and solve

the problems they createthe problems they create Avoid lectures and repeated Avoid lectures and repeated

warningswarnings Love their kids for who they areLove their kids for who they are

Focus on their weaknessFocus on their weakness Give their children everything Give their children everything

they wantthey want Are afraid to set limits and permit Are afraid to set limits and permit

misbehaviormisbehavior Show frustration too quicklyShow frustration too quickly Get sucked into arguments and Get sucked into arguments and

power strugglespower struggles Repeatedly rescue or punish Repeatedly rescue or punish

childrenchildren Use lectures and repeated Use lectures and repeated

warnings oftenwarnings often Love their kids for what they doLove their kids for what they do

Teaching “Problem-Solving 101”Teaching “Problem-Solving 101”

Start with Empathy- “Oh, how sad you must Start with Empathy- “Oh, how sad you must have felt.” Or, “I can imagine your have felt.” Or, “I can imagine your disappointment.”disappointment.”

Empower- “What do you think you will do Empower- “What do you think you will do about this?”about this?”

Provide Support- “Would you like me to help Provide Support- “Would you like me to help you brainstorm some solutions?”you brainstorm some solutions?”

Give Permission- “I think you have a good Give Permission- “I think you have a good plan in mind.”plan in mind.”

Talking Time To TalkTalking Time To Talk

Use “Door Openers”Use “Door Openers”

That’s a great question; what do you think?That’s a great question; what do you think?

Is there something you’d enjoy sharing with me?Is there something you’d enjoy sharing with me?

I am not certain, but I will try to find the answer.I am not certain, but I will try to find the answer.

That IS interesting, tell me more!That IS interesting, tell me more!

Has something similar ever happened to you?Has something similar ever happened to you?

Search InstituteSearch Institute40 Developmental Assets40 Developmental Assets

External Assets include: Support, Empowerment, External Assets include: Support, Empowerment, Boundaries and Expectations, and Constructive Use Boundaries and Expectations, and Constructive Use of Time (#1- #20)of Time (#1- #20)

Internal Assets include: Commitment to Learning, Internal Assets include: Commitment to Learning, Positive Values, Social Competencies and Positive Positive Values, Social Competencies and Positive Identity (#21- #40)Identity (#21- #40)

Search Institute. (2004). Search Institute. (2004). 40 Developmental Assets. 40 Developmental Assets. Retrieved February 9, Retrieved February 9, 2007 from www.search-institute.org2007 from www.search-institute.org

How You’ve HelpedHow You’ve HelpedBuild Healthy DevelopmentBuild Healthy Development

##1 Family Support1 Family Support #2 Positive Family Communication#2 Positive Family Communication #6 Parent Involvement in Schooling#6 Parent Involvement in Schooling #11 Family Boundaries#11 Family Boundaries #16 High Expectations (from parents and teachers)#16 High Expectations (from parents and teachers) #20 Time at Home#20 Time at Home #29 Honest#29 Honest #30 Responsibility#30 Responsibility #32 Planning and Decision Making#32 Planning and Decision Making #34 Cultural Competence#34 Cultural Competence #36 Peaceful Conflict Resolution#36 Peaceful Conflict Resolution #37 Personal Power#37 Personal Power #39 Sense of Purpose#39 Sense of Purpose

U.S. Department of Health and U.S. Department of Health and Human ServicesHuman Services

Provide a safe homeProvide a safe home Encourage your child to express feelingsEncourage your child to express feelings Promote mutual respect and trustPromote mutual respect and trust Listen AttentivelyListen Attentively Set a Good ExampleSet a Good Example Encourage Your Child’s TalentsEncourage Your Child’s Talents Celebrate AccomplishmentsCelebrate Accomplishments Foster Your Child’s Independence and Self WorthFoster Your Child’s Independence and Self Worth Discipline Constructively, Fairly and ConsistentlyDiscipline Constructively, Fairly and Consistently Love UnconditionallyLove Unconditionally