F r a n k N i c h o l s , L C S W

Prosperous Meditation:

Empathetic and Professional Service

Prosperous

Meditation

Introduction: Have you ever wondered how a couple can be so “in love” and have their marriage fail miserably

and yet hear of an arranged marriage involving a couple who had never met be incredibly successful including their

falling in love? Let us go through the stages of “love relationships” and see if we can make sense of things and

along the way relate some concepts that may be helpful.

Early Chemistry Clearly if you speak to people they can relate all the many ways and degrees of chemistry they

have experienced in their relationships from lighting bolt to slow burn to even disliking the person or no chemistry

at all. While these experiences may later be retold in terms of the mythos of the relationship, chemistry by itself has

very little to do with the success of a relationship or marriage. This earliest stage of relationship or acquaintanceship

is by far the least complicated even though neither party is even vaguely in reality. Both bring their own separate

sets of belief systems and expectations much of which may not be overly conscious and certainly neither party

broaches the subject of why they are entering the relationship in the first place. This is very much a honeymoon pe-

riod with both sides clearly putting their best foot forward and revealing almost nothing of what they are really

about. Many people enjoy and are enamored with the manic aspects of attraction, sexual attraction and idealization

that occurs and become serial daters or go from affair to affair.

Transition into a Love Friendship We now begin to move along from acquaintanceship within a love rela-

tionship into friendship within a love relationship. This is even more complicated! Both sides are still keeping se-

crets basically because of fear. These secrets go to the heart of what each individual believes about themselves. Am

I worth being in a loving relationship? Will someone really love me? Does the other have what I need even if what

I believe I need is highly unrealistic?

Now, idealization begins to wear off and expectations become evident sometimes rearing an ugly head. One can

think of the recent beer commercial where the woman is asking the man would he save her or his dog? How about

her or his mother; only to lose his affection to a light beer.

Slowly one side begins to reveal aspects of themselves hoping the other responds well to them and begins to lower

their own mask. This happens in very small doses as both sides fear exposure and getting hurt. This is where most

relationships end because, “My god I don’t even know you and you are not what I thought you were!”

Side Issues There are also many side issues such as family, friends, religion, money, desires around children, all

of which make relationships all the more complicated. Sexuality and sexual attraction is always an issue and as im-

portant as it may be should always be kept as a side issue least everything becomes too confusing and complicated.

One often confuses attraction with real love. Sex can be intoxicating and having had sex can be confused as creat-

ing a bond. This is not a good bond to base an entire life on! Sexuality is often used as a metaphor for compatibility

and what one is or is not getting from the relationship. The idea that I am trying to stress here is not that sex or any

number of side issues are not important but rather that one use the idea of friendship within a love relationship as a

guide. Is your lover a true friend? Do they have your back? Do they balance their own interests with yours? Are

you a true friend?

True Love True Friendship Now if our couple has gotten past their fear of exposure and the defense mecha-

nisms therein they relax and allow their deepest feelings to come forth. Yet this is complicated by the fact that these

feelings are often ignored or pushed down because trust is only now really forming. It is at this

time that a system of love and faith in each other begins to develop which is even more compli-

cated! Each side must survive the inevitable hurts inflicted by differing interests and perspec-

tives. More fuller and open communication is necessary along with the acceptance that in reality

nothing is perfect. Creating true love that is true friendship is complicated but isn’t it worth it?

Issue #43Issue #43Issue #43Issue #43 Feb 2010Feb 2010Feb 2010Feb 2010 Meditations on: Relationships Are Complicated!

If there are any questions regarding the content of this or any newsletter you may email me and I will respond

back. All comments are welcomed. Frank Nichols, LCSW is a Social Worker, Speaker and Consultant who in

addition to individual and couples counseling combines psychotherapy with meditative practices. Please see his

web-site www.prosperousmeditation.com Frank practices in Northport and Forest Hills, New York.

For consultation Call (631) 896-6352 fnicholslcsw@gmail.com