Monday, May 27, 2019 .

Amsterdam Late Edition Editor: Giles (Brandreth) Slinger

Published by the Commercial Anglo-Dutch Society. Scurrilous fake news with no acceptance of liability whatsoever. Cover price €1,000.

May Ends Before June

May listens to the people May explained the recent election

results – which saw 1,344 Tory

councillors and 15 MEPs lose

their seats – as a clear message

from the British people that they

want politicians to get on with it.

She is doing just that…

May loves footballers May has responded to the success

of Liverpool, Tottenham, Arsenal

and Chelsea in reaching European

finals as a message from the

British people. “Nothing could be

clearer” said May “Three of the

teams have a European manager,

each is full of European players

and now the fans will see British

winners of European cups. That is

a clear message that the British

people want us to get on with it.

Cheerio!”

‘Not in public interest’ to

know who funded the

leave campaign May’s government has decided

not to investigate who funded the

DUP’s spending on the Leave

vote, or follow up the Electoral

Commission’s statement that it

has not got sufficient powers to

protect British democracy. “The

situation is obvious,” said May:

“the people do not need to know

who gives money to politicians.

For example, the wife of a certain

Russian businessman gives pots

of money to the Conservative

party. That proves our excellence

in keeping our parties’ fund

raising needs apart from our

donors’ policy preferences. I

always shop at the Tsvetnoy

Boulevard when in Moscow”

Farage’s Garage raided 21 May 2019 – Former PM

Gordon Brown – reinvented as a

pillar of pillar of stability and

sense in British politics – raised a

question about Nigel Farage’s

piggy bank. Nigel’s piggy bank is

being topped up with multiple

PayPal payments just below the

£500 declarations limit by his

many keen Brexit supporters in

Russia.

Brown, not known as a cyber

expert, raised the startling idea

that persons with internet

expertise and mischievous intent

might be tempted to stuff the

inside pocket of Nigel’s tweed

jacket with used notes,

whispering for him recklessly to

sow seeds of dissent throughout

British politics. “Good grief,”

said the Conservative party, “who

would ever have suspected that

funding systems could be abused

in this way!” Farage responded:

“My garage is always open. I

don’t know who puts stuff in it”.

2

Published by the Commercial Anglo-Dutch Society. Scurrilous fake news with no acceptance of liability whatsoever. Cover price €1,000.

It’s the CADS Boat Trip

Yes folks, it’s the CADS boat trip once again. That unmissable

event that is the harbinger of summer and introduces a frisson of

excitement. Once again we will cruise the canals of Amsterdam

whilst dining in style. Louise Hunter has once again selected a

superb freshly cooked meal, accompanied by unlimited drinks, for

the very reasonable sum of €55 Euros per person. Come and join

us! We meet at the Okura Hotel in Amsterdam from 1200 onwards

on Friday the 21st June. The boat departs fro mthe Okura mooring

at 1230 prompt, and returns shortly after 1430.

3

Published by the Commercial Anglo-Dutch Society. Scurrilous fake news with no acceptance of liability whatsoever. Cover price €1,000.

New Meaningful vote May promises a YMMV (Yet

More Meaningful Vote) will be

held at some point, but not by her.

Next time, the Eyes to the Right

will be asked to look deeply into

John Bercow’s magic rule box,

while the Nose to the Left will be

tweaked mercilessly and

repeatedly. “This is what will

make it meaningful,” said the

chief whip, “it will be a vibe, a

feeling, an intensity. A new

proposer” A government

spokesman confirmed there is no

need to make the vote meaningful

by asking the people who have to

live with it whether they want it.

Antibiotic crisis – new

toxic phage? Infection by germs can lead any

existing body to gradual decline

and eventual collapse. Scientists

have just discovered a type of

Phage that may have the answer.

“Yes,” said one “we were

worried, but the new discovery

‘Nigel Phage’ may provide the

answer. The body politic has been

in trouble for a while now. The

Nigel Phage only needs a diet of

beer to produce an unlimited

stream of noxious nationalistic

tripe. He is completely toxic to

any kind of reasoned debate. It

will be kill or cure – but the early

signs are that he will be able to

get rid of a lot of the germans

(medical professionals) who have

been working throughout our

NHS. Now we just need a hand

wash that will address our Matt

Hancock issues.”

Fast-moving Hancock

makes hand wash a

priority From the NHS Journal: The

incoming health secretary Matt

Hancock has quickly prioritised

better hand hygiene in the NHS.

“Grubby hands spread germans”

he said. “I’m all over this.”

Grasping the main issue firmly,

he asserted that cleanliness could

be next to Godliness. “Oh yes, oh

yes, oh yes” he confirmed, before

going off for a cold shower.

Astrology: Theresa May’s

office confirms astro

logical prediction May’s office confirms that given

the position of The Sun, The Star,

and newspapers owned by other

offshore billionaires, the forecast

for the month is as follows:

Capricorn: You are moody, flighty and

unpredictable and yet special.

Beware a blonde man offering

you electoral hope. Conclusion:

You just want us to get on with it.

Sagittarius: You are wise, you are strong.

You have long been fascinated by

the Archers, an everyday tale of

country folk. I hear what you say:

you just want us to get on with it.

Taurus: You are strong, unreasonable, a

force of personality. The Bull in

John Bull. You like grass and

cows. I seize you by the horns.

You just want us to get on with it.

Gemini: Twins! Think of the child support

costs. Or is it the two sides to

your personality? Might some

call you two-faced? Are you

Boris? Never mind. We hear what

you say: You just want us to get

on with it.

Theresa May’s half time

talk to her brave team: From the sports pages:

Liverpool? Down and out before

the second leg. Up against the

best team in the world.

Tottenham? Even worse, 3-0

down at half time. Needing 3

goals in 45 minutes? They got

them. We can’t win, so I’m off….

This is our negotiating strategy –

we are now sufficiently far

behind that no-one believes we

can pull it out of the bag.

Marvellous. That puts us in pole

position. With Boris in charge,

we’re unstoppable. We can get

ourselves ready for the

turnaround of the century.

Dunkirk? Little boats? Ha! This

time we’ve rented some boats that

don’t even exist!

Trexit update: The Prime Minister’s

spokeswoman confirmed plans

for an exciting new exit, to be

known as ‘Trexit’. A countdown

clock will be installed in

Trafalgar Square, with a statue of

John Noakes next to it, until

either Hell freezes over or Jeremy

Corbyn decides to get off the

fence on Brexit. Some

commentators have expressed

doubts that Trexit can be

delivered before June 7th.

4

Published by the Commercial Anglo-Dutch Society. Scurrilous fake news with no acceptance of liability whatsoever. Cover price €1,000.

Summer Gala Dinner Dance

The Rotary Club International of Amsterdam,

led by CADS member Mark Cunningham, is

organising a wonderful charity dinner dance at

the Hilton Hotel on the Apollolaan. Carol and I

are atneding, and we would love to make up a

table of CADS if possible. It starts at 1900hrs

and the dinner will consist of the finest Serbian

foods, followed by dancing until midnight. It’s

a glittering and social way to start the summer

holiday season. Do come and join us – please

address your reservation requests to Mark at

marcunni@gmail.com, mentioning CADS.

More details on the next page :-)

Hilton Apollolaan - 15th June from 7pm until midnight!

5

Published by the Commercial Anglo-Dutch Society. Scurrilous fake news with no acceptance of liability whatsoever. Cover price €1,000.

St Theresa’s Academy Graduation Exam question DUP leader Arlene Foster identifies a second referendum as “a risk to democracy.” What could she mean? Which of

the following do you see as a risk to democracy: (more than one may apply)

Risks to democracy – a primer A risk in your view

Y/N?

If donations made in Northern Ireland, the only part of the UK where donor names are kept

secret, are used to fund electoral advertisements in England, Scotland and Wales, exceeding

campaign spending limits set in law – is that illegal?

If a party in one part of the United Kingdom (e.g. Northern Ireland) refuses to cooperate with

its fellow citizens to organise civil government, is that illegal?

If a party in one part of the United Kingdom extracted transfer payments from citizens

elsewhere of over £1bn to keep a party in power elsewhere is that illegal?

If a party in one part of the United Kingdom ignores the majority of votes in its own area, and

instead supports the opposite policy in return for money, is that illegal?

If a UK government kept in power by Ms Foster declined to investigate corruption by Ms

Foster, is the UK government also guilty of corruption?

If a UK government kept in power by Ms Foster declined to strengthen the rules, as requested

by the Electoral Commission, to protect future elections, is that illegal?

If a referendum is held to ask the people whether the deal actually negotiated in detail is what

they voted for 3 years ago, would it be sensible to allow it?

1

Chairman’s Corner June 2019

As you will see elsewhere in the Review this month, we are

once again enjoying the CADS boat trip this month. For those

who are new to this event, do come along and bring a business

colleague, partner or friend. It is a wonderful, friendly event that

brings the formal CADS lunches to a close for the summer. We

spend the afternoon dining in style on a canal boat whilst

cruising the Amsterdam canals and practicing our royal waves

to the bemused tourists wandering the city or queueing outside

the museums and Anne Frank house. We meet on Friday the 21st from 1200 onwards at the bar of

the Okura Hotel in Amsterdam. The boat departs from their mooring at 1230 prompt, and returns

us to the same location about two hours later. In the meantime we enjoy a three course meal

accompanied by unlimited drinks, so it might be advisable not to return to the office afterwards :-)

Other dates for your diary:

There is a glittering charity dinner dance

organised by the Rotary International at the

Hilton Hotel on Apollolaan on June 15th from

7pm until midnight. We have a CADS table, and

you can reserve a place by emailing Mark

Cunningham at marcunni@gmail.com. Cost is

100 Euros per head. Several CADS are already

booked in, and it has the makings of a very fine

evening :-)

STET is once again organising Shakespeare in the Park at the

Raadhuis de Paauw in Wassenaar. This year the play is The

Tempest. It is available for Thursday 29th or Friday 30th August

and starts at 1930hrs. The story as follows:

The magician Prospero is marooned on an island with his

daughter Miranda. With the assistance of Ariel, a powerful air

spirit he keeps in servitude, he conjures up a storm to shipwreck

his enemies on the shore of the island. Inexorably they are driven

towards the centre of the island to answer to Prospero, until

Prospero learns that Miranda has met and fallen in love with

Ferdinand, the son of his enemy. What will be greater? His thirst

for revenge, or his aptitude for forgiveness? The play is lyrical,

thought-provoking and raucously funny!

There will be tables with food under cover, and the performance takes place in the open air

on the shores of the lake. It is always a lovely event, and in recent years we have had the option of

dining beforehand and then watching the play. Do let me know if you are interested to attend and

we will organise a table. 5 of us are already planning to attend on Friday.