MARRIED LIFE

April 15th: Crazy LoveApril 22nd: Broken VesselsApril 29th: The Little Things We DoMay 6th: The Devil Made Me Do ItMay 13th: PrayerMay 20th: Thunder & LightningMay 27th: The Little ThingsJune 3rd: CommunicatingJune 10th: Learning to Love

What are you born for?

I. LOOKING FOR LOVE

A. Looking for Love• Sex-money-power-fame-religion-

changing self…• Everybody has to figure out why they

get up the morning B. Born to love

I. LOOKING FOR LOVE

B. Born to loveJohn 13:34 "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.1 John 3:11 This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another.1 John 4:8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.1 John 4:11 Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.Hebrews 10:24And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds,

I. LOOKING FOR LOVE

B. Born to loveRomans 12:10Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.Romans 13:8Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law.

Galatians 5:13You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh ; rather, serve one another humbly in love.Ephesians 4:2Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love

POINT 1: The secret of married life is this:

we are here in order to learn how to love-

this is a fundamental realignment of our hearts

ambitions

I. LOOKING FOR LOVE

II. LOVE IN A 1,000 LITTLE CHOICES

We look for love to come in dramatic ways- but love plays itself out in a thousand little choices- little choices we make every day- unseen and without a supporting soundtrack -a simple touch, glance, passing comment

II. LOVE IN A 1,000 LITTLE CHOICES

Making Bids for Connection

II. LOVE IN A 1,000 LITTLE CHOICES

Making Bids for Connection

• Ways People React to Bids for Connection1. to come closer (Turning Toward)2. to go further way (Turning Away)3. to stay at a neutral place.

II. LOVE IN A 1,000 LITTLE CHOICES

Making Bids for Connection• Turning Away Responses

1.Passive, noncommittal responses

2.Preoccupied, ignoring responses

3.Disregarding responses4.Interrupting and

changing the subject responses

II. LOVE IN A 1,000 LITTLE CHOICES

Making Bids for Connection• Turning Against Responses

1.Belligerent responses 2.Contradicting and disparaging

responses3.Domineering responses 4.Critical responses 5.Defensive responses

II. LOVE IN A 1,000 LITTLE CHOICES

Men Carry Responsibility:Gottman's research says that men hold the key to whether the relationship will succeed or not. When the husband is mindful of his responses to his wife and shows interest and caring, there is more of a chance for a happy marriage. In happy marriages, husbands turned towards their wives more than men from unhappy marriages. Women usually turned towards the husband's bids whether the marriage was happy are not.

Is this what “loving like Christ loves the church” means?

II. LOVE IN A 1,000 LITTLE CHOICES

Signs of Predicting Divorce• First Sign: The Harsh Startup • Second Sign: "The Four

Horsemen“

1. Criticism2. Contempt3. Defensiveness4. Stonewalling

II. LOVE IN A 1,000 LITTLE CHOICES

• Third Sign: Flooding

• Fourth Sign: Body Language

• Fifth Sign: Failed Repair Attempts

• Sixth Sign: Bad Memories

II. LOVE IN A 1,000 LITTLE CHOICES

Gottman: 2 Types of Marriage1. PSO- “Positive Sentiment Override”• An intact Fondness and Admiration System• Love Maps or a good knowledge of the

partner's world (work, family, self) Conflict is marked by • Softened Startups, soothed Physiology,

Acceptance of Influence, Repair Attempts, De-escalation

• Bids for Affection or efforts to connect through

• Gridlock on problem issues is avoided by finding the underlying reason for the conflict and finding a way to meet both partner's needs

II. LOVE IN A 1,000 LITTLE CHOICES

Gottman: 2 Types of Marriage2. NSO- “Negative Sentiment Override”Conflict shows a pattern of Demand change and Withdraw from the discussionDiffuse Physiological Arousal (DPA) is high especially during arguments, with elevated heart rate, perspiration, and pulse Women are more likely to begin with Harsh Startups, while men are more likely to become Flooded and StonewallThis leads to Gridlock, which may be resolved in one of two ways: Disengagement, which spells a slower divorce that ends at 12+ years, or a high conflict period marked by the 4 Horsemen, which spells a faster divorce in 5-7 years

II. LOVE IN A 1,000 LITTLE CHOICES

What I Learned in Kindergarten Really Does Help…• Kindness works• Respect is crucial• Show interest in what your partner says

and you will build up big dividends in your relationship

• Look for the good in your partner and make it known

• Say what you like out loud and you will get more of it

• Men, pay attention to the emotional needs of your wife

• Return your partner's bids with positive interest and you will have more happiness in your marriage

II. LOVE IN A 1,000 LITTLE CHOICES

Gottman:Couples who accept, respect and honor each other's feelings are less likely to divorce

POINT 2: Love plays itself out in a thousand little choices- little choices we make every

day

II. LOVE IN A 1,000 LITTLE CHOICES

III. LEARNING TO LOVE

A.What do marriages need most?

What do marriages need? Healing …We have done a lot of damage to each other over the years, and healing in marriages can only come through forgiveness"love anything and your heart will be wrung, and possibly broken" CS Lewis

III. LEARNING TO LOVE

B.How Do We Heal? Gottman’s Cure:• Enhance “Love Maps”

• Nurture Fondness and Admiration

• Turn Towards Each Other Every Day

III. LEARNING TO LOVE

B.How Do We Heal? Gottman’s Cure:• Let Your Partner Influence You

• Solve Your Solvable Problems• Overcome Gridlock• Create Shared Meaning

III. LEARNING TO LOVE

B.Gottman’s Cure: “The Magic 5”1. Partings2. Reunions3. Admiration/Appreciation4. Affection5. Weekly date

III. LEARNING TO LOVE

C. How does healing happen? FORGIVENESSForgiveness: I'm sorry -I draw closer to God when I repent and ask forgiveness... Same is true in marriages- "a happy marriage is a union of two

forgivers" Ruth bell graham- Learning to love means learning to

forgive

POINT 3: Change in your marriage happens when I am a

person seeking forgiveness

III. LEARNING TO LOVE

PERSONAL QUESTIONS

• Right now, are you willing to throw yourself in to your marriage? Why? Or, why not?

• We are here in order to learn to love… what do you think of this statement?

• Look at the people you know- family, friends- what would you say they are living for? What are they throwing themselves and their energy into? Is it working for them?

• What about you- what would you say you are living for these days? What are you throwing your thoughts, time, and energy into? And how is it going?

• How does “my spouse will make me happy” work? How does “happy little home” work? What about “protect yourself”-how’s that work?

• What “key” have you been trying to use to make your marriage work? How’s that working?

• Want to know what you need to ask forgiveness for? Ask your spouse, “What is it like to live with me?” “What has the effect of my style of relating been on you over the years?” “Has it caused you to lose hope in certain areas of your life?” … I want to know…I need your forgiveness.

• What do you need to ask forgiveness for? How will you approach your spouse to ask forgiveness?

DO SOMETHING

• Ask Jesus to help you give yourself wholeheartedly to your marriage this week.

• What are the little choices you can begin making to show your spouse you love them? Try to name five, just as a way of getting yourself thinking about these things.

• What do you have to look forward to in your marriage? An adventure? A mission worth pursuing? A second honeymoon? A new way of living life? Discuss your desires and dreams with each other this week. Make a plan. Make it happen.

• Ask forgiveness, then change. Don't keep doing the thing you just asked forgiveness for, this reinforces the others belief that you will never change