Marriage Massage Wk 4 August 2013

7/27/2019 Marriage Massage Wk 4 August 2013

1/7

Marriage Message #266 - Working Together as aTeam

"Working together as a team" --we know we'vetalked a lot about this on different levels in pastMarriage Messages, but SURPRISE; we aren't done!And we never will be, because we deeply believethat married couples are supposed to work together as a team. We believe this is part of "Cleaving"together in marriage (biblically speaking).

One of the many areas of marriage in which weshould work together as a team is in the area of doing work around the house. Yeah, we know that"work" can be a dirty word in many ways, but it's anecessary subject to talk about because it leads to somany arguments. It's actually among the top 5 thingsthat married couples reportedly argue about.

We know that in different parts of the world it's"assumed" that the wife is supposed to take care of that aspect of living together. But our world ischanging. Husbands and wives are taking ondifferent responsibilities (such as both working


2/7

outside the home) in our modern world and sohousework is becoming more of a problem.

Journalist Karen S. Peterson reported, after talkingwith "six eminent therapists" who gathered together to discuss the state of marriage, that it turned out that"five of the six said basically, that men get a better deal from marriage than women do." "We haveevidence now that even in dual career couples wherethe wife earns as much or more, she still does the

burden of the housework," said Neil Jacobson, aUniversity of Washington psychologist. Needless tosay, this has caused problems in many households.

If, as a married couple, you've decided your presentarrangement works for you, then that's fine. That'swhat's important --you've decided together that thisis what works. But if it's something that one hasimposed upon the other, then we hope you'llconsider talking together about this.

Author and speaker, Dennis Rainey, who heads upthe ministry of Family Life Today, talks to menabout the importance of being a "loving leader and aservant" as set forth in the Bible. He tells men that,


3/7

"rounding out your responsibilities as a loving leader is caring enough for your wife to be willing to serveher. There is no question that words communicatelove, but so do actions. You need both. Christ, theHead of the church, took on the very nature of aservant when He was made in human likeness(Philippians 2:17). Jesus didn't just talk aboutserving; He demonstrated it when He washed thedisciples' feet (John 13:1-17)."

He went on to challenge and question men bysaying, "There is no better way to serve your wifethan to understand her needs and try to meet them. If she works outside the home, do you help with themeals and household chores?" The question can also

be asked, "And, if you see that she is extremely busywith the children, do you pitch in and help?" Andhow about you women --when you see that your husband is extremely tired or over-whelmed, do youfind ways to help ease his load to the best of your ability?

To help you a little further on this subject, you'll finda few solutions that couples worked throughconcerning housework, (featured in a newspaper


4/7

article for the Chicago Tribune, titled, "Housework in Harmony," written by Monica Rogers). We feltthe principles were worth sharing with you:

-- The first is: "Solution: Smooth routines are made,they don't magically appear. The idea that we'd ever fight about something as insignificant as laundryseemed laughable. But fight we did. And not justabout how to fold shirts. We argued over dishwasher loading (I like to pack 'em in, he leaves lots of space), what constituted a 'clean' kitchen' (he wantsfloors swept; I like counters clear), even how tocategorize canned goods (I want like items together,he figures as long as everything is in the cupboard,why sort?).

"And it got worse with babies in the equation.Figuring out how to reduce quarrels to save time andemotional energy for the stuff we really wanted todo took some work. The essence of what we learnedfirst? Take time to make time. Tedious as it seems,dedicating a few 'dates' to talk about pet peeves andthe nitty-gritty of who's doing what goes a long waytoward building faster, more efficient routines."


5/7

-- Another challenge was: "A house divided. Thesolution: Share the resources and play to strengths."Monica Rogers went on to write what another couplecame to discover: 'Early in our marriage, we foundwe were arguing about what and how things weregetting done around the house,' recalls MitchChaney. Rather than go 50-50 on all chores, 'we first

broke chores down by level of pain, making listswith most hated chores at the top,' says SusanChaney. Interestingly enough, the lists allowed each

partner to do what they were best at, with enoughyin and yang in the remaining list items to alloweach Chaney to opt-out of dreaded chores. 'I hatedwashing clothes but didn't mind folding. He dislikedloading the dishwasher but didn't mind puttingdishes away. Fitting the two lists together let us playoff each other's strengths,' Susan says. And on thosethings both dislike? 'You do it together or paysomebody else to cover that one for you.'"

-- Challenge #3: "On-the-job training; Solution:Teamwork and freedom to err builds confidence."Here's what Monica writes concerning this point:"When Jenn and Dave Schuman married, Jennconfesses being shocked at how little Dave knew


6/7

about cooking. 'He truly didn't know what it meantto julienne a pepper,' Jenn recalls. But recognizingDave had interest in cooking, despite his lack of skill, Jenn used the tag-team approach to nudge himtoward confidence. Rather than say, 'I can't believeyou don't know how to cut a carrot!' Jenn simplychopped veggies herself and then passed the baton toDave. 'I'd say, 'Hey honey, go ahead and saut these.They're ready to go.' That got him into cookingwithout balking at what he didn't know how to do.

"The Chaney's have a strict no-critiquing rule abouttasks they don't share. 'If he agrees to take on achore, I agree not to comment about how he does it,'says Susan. 'Sometimes it's best to just get out of theway and let there be mistakes so a person can learnfrom them,' she adds.".................................

We don't know if the above challenges and solutionswill help you, but the point is to see the challengeand FIND a solution that works for your marriage.We've had to do that in our own marriage. Andwe've found that those who have good marriagesfind ways to make it work in their own. Adapt,


7/7

compromise, talk, plan, and figure out what willwork best for your marriage situation.

Something that Judith Balswick says on this subjectrings true: "Parsing out household chores carriesmuch more meaning than merely keeping the houseclean, the grass cut and the car running. It actuallyrepresents an attitude of the heart. Our willingness --or unwillingness --to help out around the housespeaks volumes about the value we place on our spouse."

"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling towhat is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherlylove. Honor one another above yourselves." Romans12:9-10.

Our love and prayers are with you as we strive tomake our marriages the best they can be!Cindy and Steve Wright

Marriage Massage Wk 4 August 2013

Documents

Transcript of Marriage Massage Wk 4 August 2013