VOLUME X, ISSUE 4 March 22, 2012Paper beats rock.

Thesis writing! Page 2Heat wave! Page 3

Commencement! Page 3Conspiracy! Page 4

Today: Oh What A Beautiful MorningTomorrow: Some Enchanted Evening

TheBlowfish

Inside This Issue

JOKE OF THE WEEK:Q: What’s the likelihood that you’ll see a dinosaur today?A: 50/50—either you do or you don’t.

NOTE FROM THE EDITORS:

Read us online!www.issuu.com/theblowfish

JOBS NEWS:

THEATER NEWS:

CLUB NEWS:

ART NEWS:

Hiatt encourages students to “sell themselves,” FBI investigates

Pg. 1st degree felony

Creepy statue behind Ziv granted full profes-sorship

Pg. 10 years

Girl uses air quotes in class to cite week’s reading

Pg. 56

Groucho Marx club members refuse to join any club, even their own

Pg. 1920

BY DANIEL PIPESStaff Writer

TODAY’S WEATHER

No Exception for ‘Inception’

Podiatrists protest “Footloose” on ac-count of inadequate arch support

Pg. 1984

We hereby retract all issues between Sept. 2009 and Oct. 2010 on account of them be-ing complete fabrications. While we regret our actions, we apologize for nothing.

U.S. Congressional Republicans have been preparing the

party platform during the last few months so as to be able to reconvene all Republicans under one banner after the ongoing clusterfuck that has been the primary season. Dur-ing this period, the party has made strong motions not only against contraception, but also again “Inception,” Christo-pher Nolan’s 2010 suspense thriller. “Contraception and ‘Inception’ both are against the gen-eral moral un-derpinnings of the Republican Party,” Senator David Vitter (R-La.) told The Blowfish at the trendy, male-only nightclub where we ran into him. “Both are very, very c o m p l i c a t e d and take a lot of energy to understand. We oppose this be-cause it’s sim-pler to fall back on kneejerk cul-tural responses than to consider the in-depth moral and ethical issues raised by contraception and ‘In-ception.’” Vitter also opposed the plot point that focused around preventing the formation of a world-controlling corporate mega-conglomerate, arguing that stifling the in-comes of the rich will only lead to fewer jobs in whatever European Socialist reality Nolan’s film was set in. Congress has shown its distaste for providing funding to groups that provide contraceptive support and/or view-ership for “Inception.” Insinuations are that both topics reek of liberal biases that are trying to turn America into a place more like Europe, one where reproductive rights are discussed largely separate from religious issues and where movie viewers will deign to watch films that are compli-cated and require extensive thinking. “Don’t get me wrong,” Senator Jim DeMint (R-SC) said on Wednesday at a Republican Party rally. “I don’t

think everything about these two things are bad. Each has their positive attributes. I think that abortion can be used in the cases of incest and rape, and I think that ‘Inception’ had a lot of guns and explosions.” The crowd reacted by taking out weighted tops, spinning them and cheering the moment they toppled. Some people, however, do not share such a magnani-mous view of the topic. Media pundit Rush Limbaugh had a lot to say about the “dream sex” his tax dollars might one day have to pay for. Limbaugh’s ire centered around a sup-

posed shirking of responsi-bility on the part of those who do things while dream-ing, therefore not having to deal with the repercus-sions of their actions. “If people want to go into their dreams and have as much sex as they want and not have to pay the consequences, doesn’t that make these people dream

sluts?” he posed on his radio show. “The only person I want to hear saying ‘you have to go deeper,’ is my fourth wife.” With the 2012 election looming, the potential Republi-can candidates also had a chance to weigh in on the issue. Rick Santorum has long been in favor of restricting access to contraceptive care, and his campaign also issued a state-ment that Santorum strongly disapproved of “Inception,” stating that the hole in the DVD looked suspiciously like an anus and might be encouraging sodomy every time we stick our fingers in it. Front-runner Mitt Romney, howev-er, was less worried about disappearing into an uncertain dream-reality. “Whenever I’m worried that I’m dream-ing, I always look around and see if the trees are the right height,” he told The Blowfish. “If they aren’t, then that’s a problem, probably one caused by Barack Obama.”

And you wonder why they can’t see eye to eye.

O Brother, Thou Art in JailGeorge Clooney’s arrest last week outside of the Sudanese Embassy was the

kind of landmark political and cultural event that brought news outlets as diverse as CNN and E! News together. The overwhelming amount of publicity and support George Clooney received inspired Pro-fessor Chandler Rosenberger (IGS) to protest a similar injus-tice close to his heart hoping it would gain a similar amount of public traction. “Artificial food coloring a big-ger problem than people think,” Rosenberger told his students the Monday before his fateful plunge into the realm of lawlessness. “It changes the color of our food to the point that we have no idea what we’re eating! Plus, it’s in everything! The Brandeis motto is ‘truth even unto its inner-most parts.’ Shouldn’t we hold our food to the same standard? Wasn’t it Dr. King who said that one day he hoped to live in a country where his foods were not judged for their outside color but their nutritional content?” His students nodded, unsure of how this all related to globalization. On Tuesday, Rosenberger protested by walking around Loop Road carrying a large sign. After receiving several worried phone calls, univer-sity police asked Rosenberger to leave on account of dis-

turbing the peace, Rosenberger refused. Upon his subse-quent arrest, Rosenberger proudly tweeted, “Now George Clooney and I have something else in common other than the fact that we’re both incredibly attractive, middle-aged white men! You can tweet that shit!”

Sadly for Rosenberger, however, his arrest did not cause quite the media event he hoped it would. He has been in jail since the incident with no respite, no Access Hollywood profiles and no offers from anonymous wom-en to pay for bail in return for sex-ual favors. When asked about the arrest, President Fred Lawrence was confused, “If he wasn’t on E! News or ‘The Daily Show’ then I don’t know who that is. Was he drunk or something? That seems to happen nowadays.” IGS UDR, Damian Merribuck ’13, com-mented, “I think I’ve seen him around. No, but really, how’s Pip-pin Ross doing?” The Blowfish tracked down a student in Rosenberger’s class; John Ashmahal ’14 said, “He’s OK. I guess. I’ve been going to class since he was arrested but, honestly, this is the first I’m hear-ing about it. I guess I just didn’t notice he wasn’t there.” As of press time, there have

been no campus protests either demanding Rosenberger’s release or demanding the elimination of artificial food col-oring.

“I have the right to remain silent, but I won’t.”

Republicans add ‘Inception’ to list of unwanted -ceptions

Clooney inspires delusions of grandeur in professorBY GABBY ISHKOWITZShaken AND Stirred

ACADEMIC NEWS:

YO, GET THIS:The Blowfish is not a real newspaper, and as such con-tains completely fictional articles. No articles or quotes are truthful by any means and should not be conceived as such. All photos courtesy of the Internet (public domain) and staff.

PAGE 2- OPINION

Photo Poll:Who’s your greatest inspiration?

“My dad, but he died ...”- Simba

“The phallus! And cocaine.”- Sigmund Freud

“Nikolai Gogol. He’s the most under-appreciated of that generation of great Russian writers” - Justin Bieber

“Harvey Dent.” - Dr. Jekyll

“Why Grover Cleveland, of course!”- Grover Cleveland

Is Anybody there? Does anybody care?

BlowScopesYour guide to shunning all logic and turning to the stars...

Dear The Blowfish, Hey guys, I get that we’re all Brandeis students and we’re all busy in our own ways, but you under-classmen and non-thesis writing seniors don’t understand what it’s like. I’m writing a fucking thesis that I’ve been working on for more than a year (OK, fine, six months, but who’s counting) and I really need to make sure that it’s ready for the deadline. What’s that? …OK, I understand that you have some chapter readings to do for Sociology but somehow it’s just not the same as the most important paper of my college career. Yes, I’m sure you’ll be discussing “The Jungle” in class tomorrow but I have to submit my 55-page first draft to my adviser in the morning and I really think you’ll be OK if you skip a few pages. Yeah, I know it sucks that you have a 5-7 page analysis due on Friday but try having to write a 5-7 page analysis every week for an entire semester. It’s a marathon, not a sprint, buddy. All of you non-thesis writers can go about your lives enjoying the simple pleasures in life like a riveting game of Settlers of Catan or watch a hilarious YouTube video without that voice in your head reminding you to footnote the Davis article or flesh out your outline for Chapter 3. And you know what sucks the most? No one understands my topic. Probably because nobody even cares! Sure, people ask what I’m writing about all the time, but few actually bother to hear my answer. Do you know how hard it is so condense a year’s worth of work into a 30-second elevator pitch? Maybe Rabbi Hillel was able to summarize the whole Torah while standing on one foot, but the man was a force of na-ture. I’m doing the best I can! Here’s something I’ve put my blood, sweat and tears into (literally) and all I’m ever met with is an affected sympathetic nod. Even my adviser is sort of fed up with me at this point. I can tell because he’s stopped responding to my e-mails, and his only note on my completed chapter was “maybe you should hone in on what you’re trying to say.” I want to shout at him, “Tenure-full of it!” You know when that would have been helpful? Back in December when I turned in my outline! What’s that you say? Thesis writing is optional and I brought this all on myself so I should shut up and take it? While that is all true and it is a well-documented fact that I have masochistic tendencies, I did not expect it to be this bad. I guess the only thing I can realistically compare it to is having a baby. Like having a baby, I have to go through this excruciatingly long labor with only horse tranquilizer to dull the pain. Also like having a baby, I’d only be allowed to abort it if I made the decision in the first six months. But it’s all worth it so that in the end, I’m going to have this beautiful piece of academia that will be perfect to me and only me. Or, I allow my lifeblood to flow out of me as I shrivel and die.

Woefully, Jacob Schneider

Join us at our next meeting on Monday, March 26, at 8 p.m.in the romper room, third

floor of the SCC.

Pisces: February 19 - March 19 - Victory by default is like Splenda —sweet yet empty.

Thank You For Reading

Jesse Appell Yael Katzwer Stacy Handler

Dan Tassone (AWOL)Abbie Kagan (AWOL)

Editors

Staff

ContributorsYedidya Ben-Avie

Sharat SridharYuval Galor

Michael Chernin Gordy StillmanAdam GarbaczScott Ogelsby

Paul GaleAudrey Stout Elly KalfusNate Ennis

Aries: March 20 - April 20 - You always try to be the bigger person but because you are only 5’2” this is often challenging.

Taurus: April 21 - May 21 - Just because Black History Month is over doesn’t mean you can’t still make black history.

Gemini: May 22 - June 21 - Your hearing will be remarkably enhanced after the use of a q-tip, also if you go blind.

Cancer: June 22 - July 22 - To make an ñ on your computer, hold down “option” and “n” at the same time and then hit “n” again.

Leo: July 23 - August 23 - You are adopted. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

Virgo: August 24 - September 23 - Be wary of those closest to you. They are the ones who are most likely to bump into you if they trip.

Libra: September 24 - Octo-ber 23 - Well, you didn’t want to live with them either. Just re-member that.

Scorpio: October 24 - Novem-ber 22 - No offense but you not should be wearing that. Is all wrong for your body-type. Is for pretty people.

Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21 - Four out of five doctors agree that you are a jackass.

Capricorn: December 22 - January 19 - My boyfriend does not have syphilis. Stop saying that.

Aquarius: January 20 - Feb-ruary 18 - You always com-plain about all of the pressure you’re under, but sometimes too little pressure is a bad thing, like with drinking fountains.

“Jonathan Swift.”-Hennibal Lecter

NEWS- PAGE 3

With the housing process already over and May flow-ers about to be planted, students across the country are beginning the process of defriending classmates

they know they will never see again except, perhaps, in more classes or future dorms. Amid this blatant disregard for phony friendship bonds, however, first-years Jamal Smith and Joshua Cohen are going against the grain. They have chosen to maintain their close-knit friendship next year, despite the knowledge that one will be living in Castle D and the other on Hassenfeld 6. Smith and Cohen, who met when they were randomly placed in the same Cable forced triple, plan to see each other “all of the time” even though they will no longer be living within an earshot of each other. “We decided we’re going to maintain our tradition of eating lunch together every other day at Usdan, assum-ing it works with our respective class schedules,” they said in an interview with The Blowfish. Usdan Dining Hall was a natural meeting point since it is located halfway between both of their dorms. Three lunches a week, plus Sunday brunch, were just frequent enough to maintain their close bond but just infrequent enough so as to allow them to make other friends. “We’re still deeply committed to becoming friends with our respective new roommates,” Smith affirmed, “but at the same time we would never give up on this extraordinary friendship, a blessing granted us by the all-knowing Department of Community Living. Besides, friendships aren’t about spontaneity and effortlessness. They’re about intensive work and coordinated scheduling.” Some friendships, however, cannot be salvaged. Cohen and Smith said they will have to let go of their third roommate, whose wished to remain anonymous, since he will be living “somewhere on the other side of campus.” It will just be too hard to keep in touch with him. “Some people just make choices that you can’t condone,” Cohen said, speaking of this anonymous third person. “We have to do what’s in the best interest of this friendship, and he’s a loose end we’re willing to cut!”

It’s Getting Hot in Here

First-Years Promise to Hang Out Next Year

In an instance of investigative journalism, The Blowfish has obtained a full copy of Mark J. Collins’ e-mail to campus about building heating during the hot-snap occurring this week. The document, only circulated internally, is presented below.

Brandeis Community,

Due to the unseasonably warm weather forecast through the end of this week, building temperatures will be warmer than normal. Heat to all buildings has been shut off during this warm period. We will monitor the weather closely and, if necessary, heat will be restored. We are unable to turn on air conditioning at this time of year, owing to the lengthy change-over process. The changeover process will begin once we can be confident that heat will not be required. Build-ing occupants should open windows and doors to help maintain space tem-peratures at as comfortable a level as possible. All doors and windows should be closed at night. This has to do with heat-ghouls, who proliferate in strangely warm times.

You must be wondering: How do we know what the weather will be? Why can’t we just turn off the heat? In truth, these processes are extremely complex and the university takes many pains to ensure that they are done properly.

Predicting future weather patterns are easy. It all starts when the provost calls up the local aeromancers and then prepares his dowsing crystal for divination. After sacrificing a goat and watching the patterns from its scattered ashes, a survey of the campus is taken so that future

BY DANNY PRESCOTTWears a Bow Tie

Provost Steve Goldstein and Dean of Student Life Jamele Adamsattempt to divine the date to turn off the heat.

weather phenomena can be predicted by how the hills and buildings obstruct or support the flow of earthly energy. When this primary survey is complete, the board of trustees is called to begin the three-day dance ritual that will result in a rainstorm leaving puddles on Chapels Field. Outside consultants are brought in to interpret the puddles and

give a measure in degrees Celsius what the temperature will be. At this point, we either ask an exchange stu-dent or go on Google to find out how many degrees Fahrenheit this is.

Why we can’t just turn off the heat when it’s too hot is a trickier matter. There is an on-off switch in Lower Usdan that controls the heat, but ac-tually it has rusted shut and we can’t move it. We asked everyone, includ-ing Kathy from Upper Usdan and even President Lawrence, but the damn thing won’t budge. Kathy even volunteered to try to “scare the rust out of it” by shouting, but it didn’t work. The only thing we can do is wait for all of the fuel we’ve bought to burn out. This also is the reason why we can’t turn on the heat early in the school year, because if we start to feed the burners too soon, we’ll run out before all the fuel has been con-sumed.

We appreciate the Student Body’s understanding and cooperation during this unseasonably warm March. Please direct any questions you have to the Department of Divination in Kutz.

Mark J. CollinsVice President for Campus Operations

To pay for recent Flesh-lite related expenditures, the Blowfish has taken out ads in the hopes of raising $34.99 plus tax. *The Blowfish does not endorse the use of this product.

“Yeah, I’ll never forget my first-year roommates,Joshua and um ... that other guy!”

PAGE 4- P.S.

Paranoid Ponderings

Nathan Rhodes was going about his senior year like any other Brandeisian. After three years of trial and error, he finally had it all

figured out. School work wasn’t so hard anymore and he enjoyed a certain amount of cache on campus as the cool, down-to-earth guy everyone re-spected. It was looking like it was going to be the best year ever, until Rhodes realized that it would all come to an end very soon, May 20 to be exact. And then he cracked. “Maybe this is as good as it is ever going to get,” he panicked. “Why did I not realize this sooner? Come June, I’m going to have to go back to Idaho—Idaho!—where my only respite from insurmountable, unemployed boredom will be seeing Food Inc. with my parents because it will have just been re-leased at the local barn house cinema.” “It’s completely normal for graduating seniors to experience anxiety about life after college,” Dr. Thelma Bertram of the Psycho-logical Counseling Center and/or Hiatt Ca-reer Center told The Blowfish. “When you get to a certain age, you start thinking about this kind of stuff. ‘Where will I go? What will happen to my body and soul?’ We often fail to acknowledge what a difficult transition this can be for seniors. Thankfully, in the up-coming issue of the Diagnostic Statistical Manual (DSM-V), Graduation Anxiety will have its very own footnote under the category of Anxiety Disorders. Perhaps we can work on some breathing exercises together. Yes, that’s it. You’re doing very well. I can tell that you have a lot of experience breathing in and out.”

While Rhodes’ graduation anxiety seemed normal enough, it soon de-scended into full paranoia with agoraphobia. Last week, his roommates walked into their Mod only to find all of their pans and bowls tossed hap-hazardly on the kitchen floor, and Rhodes curled up inside the cabinet rock-ing back and forth, which was all the more shocking considering his 5’11”,

170-lb. frame. “Can someone bring me a reading light?” he whimpered softly, “I have a lot of history homework.” When pressed for some sort of explana-tion, Rhodes’ only response was the follow-ing semi-coherent rant: “Maybe this whole ‘life after college’ thing is one big conspir-acy that the college-educated elite want you to believe. Maybe once you graduate robots take over your body and you become a mind-less pawn of the military industrial complex or something. Maybe this whole house and two kids thing is just a scheme to sell real es-tate like the way Valentine’s day is a scheme to sell chocolate. What if when you graduate nothing happens to your body and you just lie there … on your couch?!” Seeking spiritual guidance, Rhodes ap-proached the university chaplains. The rabbi, the priest and the minister (who were not in a bar) each told him that he had to have faith in the higher power of corporate America to

recognize the intrinsic good in people. Short of selling your soul, that was the only way he could be upwardly mobile. As an added note, they told him that even though he wouldn’t physically be on campus next year, his memory would live on in the hearts of everyone he touched.

And they say hiding in the closet is bad.

Senior fears life after college is giant conspiracy

Across1. Jack of “Rio Lobo”5. “Woe ___!” (2 wds.)9. Plant suffix13. Not much17. Pitch-related19. Leg-puller20. Gulf V.I.P.21. 27, to 322. Terseness24. Popular cereal or magazine25. “Back in the ___”26. Oil source27. Glossy black clothing and shoe material (2 wds.)30. Jamaican exports31. Yorkshire river32. Overgrown with fronds33. Support from a piano40. Cache42. Advertising sign43. Cross, maybe

44. Dynasty in which Confucianism and Taoism emerged45. Cause of some shaking (abbr.)48. Hitler’s ideology51. Rooster’s cry55. “It’s no ___!”56. Badger58. Slow, musically59. South African grassland60. Sicilian port62. “Good grief!”63. Range rovers64. Where the 33rd President kept important papers?70. Come again73. Throw up74. Swirling78. Persia, now79. Dolphin’s home81. Name holder84. Former French coin85. Part of the digestive system (2 wds.)88. Acceptances90. “C’___ la vie!”91. A chip, maybe92. Eastern V.I.P.’s94. Kind of film95. Like “The X-Files”

97. Woman presiding at a ban-quet101. It’s a wrap103. Aggravate105. Novice106. Newspaper features111. Kind of center114. Deteriorate115. Blend116. Civility119. On the safe side, at sea120. Hunted121. Radio station sign (2 wds.)122. Obviously surprised123. Henry VIII’s last wife124. Arid125. Swindles126. “... or ___!”

Down1. “Yadda, yadda, yadda”2. Aerial maneuver3. “Green Gables” girl4. Word for Yankee Doodle5. Carbonium, e.g.6. Wicker basket7. ___ Verde National Park8. At one time, at one time9. Reddish brown10. Drops11. Hunting sound (2 wds.)12. Certain surgeon’s “patient”13. More intense14. What the 43rd president used to destroy papers?15. “A Doll’s House” playwright16. Absorbent fabric18. Ornamental flax19. Sea debris23. Cesspool28. Long, long time29. In conflict with, with “of”33. Per ___ (yearly)34. “Cut it out!”35. Aunt or uncle’s children: Archaic36. Adam’s apple spot37. “American ___”38. Defensive spray39. Lodge member41. ___ list44. Complex unit46. Spilled the beans47. Lays down the lawn49. Bake, as eggs50. Children’s ___52. Aquatic plant53. Like Beethoven54. “___ Heartbeat” (Amy Grant hit)57. Pic taker61. Wounded by a wasp

62. Santa’s helper63. Garden maze wall65. Decrease66. Finger, in a way67. Eye part68. Allow69. June 6, 194470. Anger, with “up”71. “-zoic” things72. What the 39th president used to clear the board?75. Publish76. Christmas songs77. Blasts of wind79. Wee80. Meddle81. Darkens82. “Don’t bet ___!”83. Disease cause86. Brings home87. Oolong, for one89. Gather with difficulty93. Parental stand-in96. Break time97. Color, hippie-style98. Aged99. “Your majesty”100. Start of a refrain101. Deep-six102. “Be-Bop-___” (Gene Vincent hit)104. Edmonton hockey player107. Little devils108. All excited109. Contradict110. Become unhinged112. Breakfast, lunch or dinner113. Dangerous biters117. “___ the season ...”118. “Comprende?”

Famous presidents & their tools!Presidents didn’t get elected by just sitting around. These are the office supplies they used to get into office.

BY JUSTIN SANTORELLITries Too Hard

C L A P S A G H A M O P Y P U S S Y

R E P R O A C H E S A B L E I N A N E

U N S E L F C O N S C I O U S E A T I N

D E P U T E S E L E M S T R I P S

T E N T A C L E B E T I M E S

D E S S E R T H O L D P A S S

O L I O G E N E T I L T F C C

E S T H E R B S A N D S P I C E S U R L

R E S N A I A D S H E R A N O A

A N T E N I N E T O L D O N

A H A S U E R U S S I A N D R E S S I N G

L A T H I S V I A L O N T O

I D L Y E A R O C T R O I A L I

B O A H A M A N D A R I N O R A N G E S

I N S E R O S P A R T O R A L

T A C O R O T C M I S T A K E

D I S T U R B A L E A T O R Y

H O V E L S E A R L E V I N C E S

U N I T E R A D I O T E L E S C O P E S

L O E S S O N I T I N C O H E R E N T

A R S E S D O T Y N E O N D E E D Y

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Solutions to “A healthy Purim to all!”