PowerPoint Presentation

Managing Conflict Effectively: Inner and Outer ApproachesBrett Penfil, MFT, MPHCenter for the Health Professions

Paul Axelrod, PhDLearning and Organization Development

University of California, San FranciscoIntroduction and OutcomesIntroductionsOutcomesLearn to frame conflict so that it appears more manageable and even desirableAwareness of different conflict management stylesPractice new approaches to conflict managementSet one goal to develop conflict management skills2After Brett and Paul introduce themselves, ask participants to greet two people next to them.2AgendaAn intrapersonal approach to conflict managementConstructive framingSelf-managementAn interpersonal approach to conflict managementConflict management stylesDeveloping a collaborative approach

3Opening thoughtsHow many experience conflict every day or almost every day?How many look forward to it?If youre already comfortable with conflict, congratulations! Keep doing what youre doing, maybe learn something newFor the rest, this is an opportunity to restore a certain integrity to your liveswhat happens to me, I can integrate into who I am, move forward with it3Part 1: intrapersonal approach4What Does Conflict Mean to You?Turn to page 2 of your handouts.Look at the word in the middle of the page.Without thinking, write all the words that come to your mind when you see that word.5People call out words in big group and record them and speak about general associations with conflictRecord words in positive/negative framing categories5How Is Conflict Like a Volcano?

66Conflict Is Normal and Can Be HealthyConflict is not inherently problematicConflict can be constructive or destructiveThe challenge is how we manage ourselvesWe are not responsible for conflictWe are responsible for how we respond to a conflict

7For last point: Its all very complicated because even though you want to flee from conflict or make it go away, you keep it with you wherever you goKeeps you stuck in a very primitive state of development

We cant remove conflict from the world but we can remove the barriers that prevent us from engaging with conflict in a way that promotes growth

Spiritual leader Marianne Williamson, author of the Gift of Change, says, "We don't change our world or change our lives by changing external circumstances. We make fundamental changes by opening our minds, by opening our hearts and looking at our own character defects and being willing to address them."

7Destructive Conflict88Constructive Conflict9Without conflict, there is no major personal or social progressLove endures when dissention is faced openlyFailure to achieve cohesion is often due to the inability to engage in controversyConflict can prevent stagnation, stimulate interest and curiosity and creativityConflict is a necessary ingredient of organizational renewal9How We Frame Conflict Affects How We Respond to ConflictHow we frame conflict comes from:Our experience with conflictOur beliefs about conflictOur genetic makeupOur general personality type

10How We Respond: The Good, Bad and UglyUgly:10% is conditioned by your historyLife is not fairBad:About 70% of how we cope with perceived threats is set by our natural threshold for threat appraisalSome people are born to run: lower threshold for threat appraisalGood20% is affected by choices , including attitudes and approaches11When it comes to managing your response, about 15-20% of humans have inhibited temperamentMore anxiousGet nervous when there are shifts in the environmentLower threshold for amygdala reactivity11We Can Shift Our Way of Being with Conflict12Like any change, this requires..

This slide can be the one that shifts us from conceptualizing conflict is natural, normal, healthy to the skill building part of the session.

12We Get in Our Own WayWe perceive conflict in a comment, event, behavior or circumstanceThrough our internal filters we see things in terms of a duality: good/bad, like/dislike, right/wrong, mine/yoursThis ignites a negative feeling toneThen feelings of confusion, ambiguity, fear, anxiety, insult, stress or intimidation: reinforcing the negative response13The untrained mind easily categorizes the behavior of others as a threat.

Responding to a Perceived Threat

This is your brain when threatened

This is your brain1414Communicate for Success14Another way of saying this is that when our buttons are pushed, were liable to react in one of three basic ways. The first is to suppress our reaction--deny it and pretend its not there. We can get so good at this technique that it becomes automatic, and were not even aware of it. The other basic reaction is to express our emotions immediately. The expression of emotions can take a wide range of forms. Both ways of reacting can become habitual and are usually conditioned by our upbringing and other circumstances, and both have potentially hazardous consequences. The suppression of anger may allow to us to feel like weve avoided conflictfor a while, but this strategy doesnt work for long. Emotion that is not given attention does not go away. Eventually, unacknowledged feelings may turn to anger or cynicism, erupt in our own violent acts, or cast us into a pit of depression and despair.

Think Like a Lizard (NOT)

15Remember him? This is something else that gets in the way of systems thinking.

Not always expressed in anger, could be fear camouflaged as confidenceOr fear that someone might get away with bad behaviorOr that someone elses agenda might take priority over your own

How we prevent ourselves from asking good questions:Unawareness that we are not considering the views and needs of othersConfidence that we have figured out the way things actually are and dont need to askDesire to protect ourselves from appearing ignorantLack of skill in asking empowering questions15Responding to ThreatsGreat for protecting us from physical threatsFlying under the radar of consciousnessGets in the way when the threats are thoughts in our head16Most of what we tune into is non-verbal: tone, body language, micro-expressionsAppraisal ignites reaction in the bodySNS nerve impulses travel at 250 mphGalvanic Skin Response (sweaty palms) precedes feelings by 400-550 millisecondsThen a reaction to feelingsIts like Simon Cowell crawls into your head and starts talking16Reflection on Framing ConflictOn your own on page 4 of your handouts:Think of a time when you engaged in a conflict in a positive frame of mind. Note:What factors contributed to this framing?Think of a time when you engaged in a conflict in a negative frame of mind. Note:What factors contributed to this framing?With a partner:Discuss the elements of the conflict that made it positive or negative (rather than on the details of the situations).

1717Big Group DiscussionWhat themes did you notice in the conversation with your partner?18Use this list as the building block for the following lists of what elements are involved in forming a positive framework for conflict18Practicing Awareness of Thoughts and EmotionsGet out of your mind: you are not your thoughtsFocus on the physical: feel your feet and breathe from your bellyLet your emotions be: acknowledge them without getting swept up in themInvite your demons to teaBecome more aware when you have thoughts that lead to feeling threatened, as they happen (or soon after)19A monk went away to a cave to meditate. While he was meditating a demon came and stood in the mouth of the cave and hurled insults at him, jibing, What makes you think youll ever become enlightened? Youre a worthless good-for-nothing, more ear wax than brains, wasting your life away for naught. The demons jeers set doubt working in the monks heart. The monk took a deep breath and then said, Mara, is that you? The tea is ready. Wont you come enjoy it with me?Some say that the demon fled, his power broken. I like to think, though, that the demon went in to the cave, that he discovered that the monks heart was true, and the monk discovered the demon was not so scary after all.19Try ThisNotice when you start to feel conflict as a threatPractice awareness of what that feels like and also what it feels like to relax the sense of being threatenedBe careful about making assumptions about the intentions of othersMaybe they not really out to get you. Maybe theyre just like youa mix of motivesTry to accept your similarity with the other personThis will not weaken your position or let them off the hook, but it will make you feel better.2020Awareness Practice

21Paul: I think we can guide them through what was just discussed on the last slide. Maybe start with some general awareness.Then ask them to think about a conflict and notice what happens. And keep guiding them to use awareness through the reactions that arise when they think of that conflict. 21Also Try TheseGet enough restorative sleepAvoid caffeine in the afternoonExposure to high-intensity lightRegular exerciseSleep coolProtection against stressOmega-3Folic AcidChosen exercise22This is about restoring and enhancing brain performance through frontal lobe inhibition of primitive reflexes and emotions life of caffeine is on average 3 hours, though other factors may extend it up to 7 hours (age)10-20 minutes of light/day (without sun glasses)Exercise > 3 hrs before bed1000 mg/day Omega-3400 mcg/day Folic Acid

22Moving Forward: Some Thoughts and TipsMoral indignation contributes to the problem: try to avoid categorizing people as jerksAggressive behavior is a problem to you, but to the aggressor its actually an attempt at a solution: your response should not just address your needs aloneWhat is the positive intent behind the other position? How will you find out?When asking is not an option, discern the good intentfocus on their core truth, not judging the person or getting caught up in their words23Discernment describes the activity of going past the mere perception of something. It holds the promise of being able to make a choice in how one responds to another.

Judgment removes choices. It draws a line between right and wrong, me and you, black and white.

Judgment is about Either/Or while Discernment is Both/And, This frees your mind to respond to any situation appropriately and without prejudging it as a threat.23Balancing Head and HeartThe key to effectively managing conflict is balance. Balance your emotions with reason. Remain balanced when attacked. Balance your desire to win with the need to bring all along. Balance confronting with knowing when to let it pass.

2424Part 2: interpersonal approach25Arm Wrestling ActivityFind a partnerGet into arm wrestling positionYou will have 30 seconds to arm wrestleYou get a dollar every time the other persons hand touches the table, and vice versa26Debrief by asking who took what T-K approach: accommodating (let the other get all the points), avoiding (didnt participate), competing (won all the points), compromising (gave up some points and fought for some points), collaborative (talked about a strategy first)26Thomas-Kilmann Conflict ModelAssertiveUnassertiveUncooperativeCooperative27Thomas-Kilmann Conflict ModelAssertiveUnassertiveUncooperativeCooperativeUseful for: Issues of low importance Reducing tensions Buying time Low powerAvoiding28Thomas-Kilmann Conflict ModelAssertiveUnassertiveUncooperativeCooperativeCompetingUseful for: Quick action Unpopular decisions Vital issues Protection29Thomas-Kilmann Conflict ModelAssertiveUnassertiveUncooperativeCooperativeAccommodatingUseful for: Creating good will Keeping the peace Retreating Low importance30Thomas-Kilmann Conflict ModelAssertiveUnassertiveUncooperativeCooperativeUseful for: Moderate importance Time constraints Temporary solutions Equal power & strong commitmentCompromising31Thomas-Kilmann Conflict ModelAssertiveUnassertiveUncooperativeCooperativeCollaboratingUseful for: Integrating solutions Learning Merging perspectives Gaining commitment Improving relationships32Thomas-Kilmann Conflict ModelAssertiveUnassertiveUncooperativeCooperativeCollaboratingCompromisingAccommodatingCompetingAvoiding33Getting to COLLABORATECOMPETEACCOMMODATECOLLABORATEAVOIDCONTROLSUPPORT34We want to get to WithIn this part of the workshop, you will learn a method for doing that34Your Conflict StyleWith a partner, discuss these questions:Which approach(es) do you tend to use? What makes these more comfortable for you?Which approach(es) do you not use? What makes these less comfortable for you?How might you identify situations when another approach might be helpful?Page 5 of your handouts.3535Conflict Role PlayWith a partner:Read your part.Improvise the conflict conversation based on your character.

With your table:What went well in your role plays?What did not go so well?36Big Group Role Play DebriefWhat helps conflict be constructive?

37Your Conflict SituationThink about a conflict that you are currently facing or have dealt with recently.Take a few notes about this conflict on page 6 of your handouts. We will be asking you to reflect on this situation.38Managing Conflict When You Need to Collaborate3940Think about Jane and Betty in our story. What do they have in common?

One of the first things to establish in managing conflict is what is shared between you and the person or group you are in conflict with. Common ground might be the success of a project, workplace harmony, shared values or individual success - anything that you and the person share or desire in common.

40What do you think the emotional issues are between Jane and Betty?

41Acknowledge and Address EmotionsConflicts often emerge over basic needs and this inevitably calls into question basic human motivations. These in turn generate strong emotional reactions which only feed the conflict more. To resolve conflict situations, we need to find a constructive ways to release these emotions before going forward.

41What are the real problems that Betty and Jane are facing? 42Understand Problem and Identify SolutionsHopefully your commitment and the other persons commitment to the common ground have enabled you to get through the emotional tension, and hopefully some of the air has been cleared. Now it is time to mutually define the problem. The problem is not their behavior or what you think of them. It is a problem the two of you share. There probably are some needs that both of you have that lie behind the problem.

A few points to keep in mind:Discuss the issue without fixing blameFocus on agreementIdentify multiple solutionsSelect a new approach if possible

42What actions do you think Jane and Betty should agree to?43Agree on a Course of ActionOnce you have defined the problem and come up with solutions, it is essential to have everyone agree on a course of action to follow to address the problem. A written summary of what each party is to do is a great first step.

Specify actions, behaviors and accountabilities for each party IN WRITING if that would help

43Applying the Steps to Your ConflictConsider the same situation you wrote about earlier.On page 7 of your handouts, consider these questions:What is the common ground?What are your feelings?What do you think the other person is feeling?What is the real problem?What are possible solutions?What is your proposed course of action?

44Essential Ingredients to DevelopmentDeveloping Your Coaching Skills: Example of a GoalGoal: EmpathyAction: Once/day I will reflect to myself about what I think someone else may be feelingDuration: One monthEvaluation: Each week, I will reflect on the impact of this practice on meSupport: I will email my reflection to my friend each day for accountability

Your Conflict GoalOn page 8 of your handouts, write your own goal.47

Questions? Discussion?48