Man Boy - The New Guy Blues (Pilot)

8/4/2019 Man Boy - The New Guy Blues (Pilot)

1/16

EXT. MANNIES HOUSE - MORNING

The lawn is neatly manicured and trimmed.

INT. MANNIES BEDROOM - MORNING CONTINUOUS

There is a bang at the door, MR. BOYLE, a man in his mid 50shandsome and very distinguished, bursts in followed by MRS.BOYLE, a pretty woman in her mid 40s, short and looks to beabout 15 years old.

MR. BOYLE(Singing)

Oh Mango! Rise and shine! Another day andyoure still... here.

MANNIE BOYLE frail and thin, stands about 49, is in a fullsized bed, his head under a pillow.

MANNIEIt's Mannie pops, remember?

A bird lands on the window sill and sings.

MR. BOYLEPotato, potatoe my boy, breakfast is onthe table, a hearty bowl of oatmeal forour number one... boy.

Mr. Boyle stares at Mannies torso inquisitively.

MR. BOYLE (CONTD)Anyway, eat up. You look so...

Mrs. Boyle quickly steps in front of Mr. Boyle.

MRS. BOYLEMalnourished sweetie, like a stray puppy.

MR. BOYLEWell then someone should call the pound.Youre no pure bred my boy.

Mr. Boyle leaves murmuring.

MRS. BOYLEWhat your father meant to say is thatwere going on vacation for a week sodon't wait up honey.

Mrs. Boyle kisses Mannies pillow, runs after her husband.

Mannie sits up, brushes pillow aside.


2/16

INSERT SERIES OF SHOTS

A.

THE FRAIL TORSO OF A 13 YEAR OLD, PALE AND SHIRTLESS, IS

EXPOSED.

B.

STRINGY BROWN STRANDS OF SPARINGLY PLACED HAIR IS ON MANNIESSLIGHTLY BALDING HEAD WITH DEEP WRINKLES.

C.

MANNIES EYES ARE BLOOD SHOT AND CRUSTED OVER.

D.

HAIRS STICK OUT OF MANNIES EARS.

E.

MANNIES LIPS AND GUMS LOOK TO BE OOZING PUS.

F.

MANNIES ENTIRE FACE IS REVEALED.

BIRD ON WINDOW SILL(Gruff New York accent)

Holy fuck!!

The bird pukes all over the window.

OPENING CREDITS

EXT. MANNIES HOUSE - MORNING

INT. MANNIES KITCHEN - MORNING CONTINUOS

Mannie sits at his dinning room table wearing glasses and amaroon robe, reading the news paper and drinking a hotbeverage, The DOORBELL RINGS.

Mannie answers the door.

SAM SNEAD, aged 14, has straight red hair cropped to looklike some sort of psychedelic mushroom, is overweight and hedresses like a loser. He wears a pair of shorts that go justabove the knees and a T-shirt that says Talk dirty to me...I'm an archaeologist

He Brushes past Mannie. He begins to talk before Mannie hastime to process what just happened.

The New Guy Blues (Pilot) 2.


3/16

SAMYes, it is I, the infamous Sam Snead, nodoubt you've heard of me?

Sam grandly waves his hands gesturing from head to toe.

MANNIEWha--

SAMI'm here to show you around, walk youthrough the motions, I figure it's theleast I can do, seeing as how you and Ishare the same molecular gene coding.

SERIES OF SHOTS

A.

MANNIE STARES BLANKLY AT SAM

B.

SAM SMILES BACK AT MANNIE

MANNIEYoure wha--

SAMThats right...

(Sinister and creepy voice)Were blood cousins.

MANNIEGreat, so why are you here?

SAM(Normal voice)

Reeses pieces silly!

Sam pushes his glasses back onto his face

SAM (CONTD)Stick with me Mannie and youll be justfine.

MANNIEIm fine now.

Sam whips out a picture.



4/16

SAMYou call this fine?

MANNIEWhat the... Where the hell did you get

that?!

Mannie steps backwards, he looks around the room frantically.

SAMI dont want to bore you with the detailsso lets just say that one thing led toanother and val-voom!

Sam extends a picture of the bird puking on the window pane--Taken from inside Mannies room.

SAM (CONTD)

So shall we?

Mannie stands up.

MANNIEI got nothing better to do today.

Sam runs outside excitedly.

SAMOur subjects await us!

Sam runs back inside, slaps a Hello, My Name Is MannieBoyle tag on Mannies shirt, grabs Mannies arm and runs outin a blur.

EXT. LOCAL MIDDLE SCHOOL - MORNING

Kids head into the building.

INT. LOCAL MIDDLE SCHOOL MAIN HALL - MORNING CONTINUOS

Mannie and Sam walk down the hall.

SAM

Here we are, Local Middle School, alittle slice of paradise in an otherwisedrab town.

MANNIEUh... I dont know if Paradise is thetypical word used to describe a publicschool... but then youre not so typicalare you, Sam?



5/16

SAMYoure not exactly being welcomed withopen arms either my height restrictedfriend?

Mannie notices what Sam is talking about for the first time.

SLOW MOTION: A GIRL BY HER LOCKER HAS HER FACE CONTORTED INTOSHOCK AND PURE HORROR, ONE KID DROPS HIS BOOKS, MOUTH AGAPEAND POINTS, ALL AROUND THEM KIDS ARE REACTING THIS WAY.

KID 1 (V.O.)Hey!

Mannie snaps back to reality.

KID 1Hey, wait up spazz!

C DOG, a 17 year old athletic African American 8th grader,approaches Sam from behind.

SAMQuickly, execute evasive maneuver PD44217 - A1!

MANNIEDo what?

SAMRun!

Mannie turns to see Sam running away behind a corner.

C DOGHey bud, were you just hanging with SamSnead?

MANNIEYeah, and you are?

C DOGCall me C Dog, walk with me.

Mannie and C Dog stroll casually down the hall. C Dogs armthrown casually over Mannies neck.

C DOG (CONTD)This is how it is, over there you havethe popular rich kids, my crowd, overthere is the jocks and airheads, good forpost game parties, then the band geeksand goths...



6/16

Mannie fidgets with his hands and looks from side to side.

Mannie and C Dog come to a row of decrepit looking lockers.

C DOG (CONTD)

And this is youre niche.

C Dog stuffs Mannie into a rusted out locker.

C DOG (CONTD)If I catch you in my section againsomeones going to have to scrape you offthe ceiling, got that MAN BOY?!

MANNIES POV.

Mannie watches through horizontal locker slots as C Dog walksaway laughing.

VOICE (O.S.)(Raspy)

Outsider... Outsider... Unclean!

BACK TO SCENE.

Mannie is expelled from his makeshift prison by a pale andscrawny hand, Mannie tumbles out and stares at the locker fora few moments.

Sam walks up from rear.

SAMThank Albion the Great! Youre OK!

MANNIEYeah, no thanks to you.

Sam helps Mannie up.

SAMPish posh, it's called divide and conquermy unappreciative friend, and all wentaccording to plan.

MANNIEI just got shoved into a locker and I'mnot sure but I think I was touchedinappropriately while in there, how isthat a plan?!

SAMOh thats just Albino Jon, he doesnttouch anyone, he must like you



7/16

(Whispers under his breath)Lucky bastard.

MANNIECome again?

SAMNothing. Your first class is right downthere, I'm on the other hall three doorsdown. Meet me after class and we'llnourish our bodies with the sustenanceprovided to us by our public schoolboard.

MANNIESo well grab lunch?

Sam curtseys and nods.

MANNIE (CONTD)Something about you just screams Axemurderer you know that?

Sam and Mannie walk away to their respective destinations.

CLOSE UP on rusty locker.

ALBINO JON (O.S.)(Raspy)

So beautiful, come back to me my love...(Normal voice)

Hello? Anyone out there? I really need ahobby.

INT. LOCAL MIDDLE SCHOOL HALL - DAY (CONTINUOUS)

Mannie walks down the hall past a teachers lounge. JIMHADDON, A history teacher at Local Middle who is tall andslender and suffers from hyperhidrosis which leaves sweatstains all over his clothes, is working on a computer. Thelounge is empty.

JIM

Hey you... Short stack, you new here?

MANNIEWho me? Yeah. I guess you could say that.

JIM (V.O.)(thinking to himself)

OK Jim, heres a teacher that doesntknow you and all your disgustingtraits... Relax and you may just be ableto not completely repel this one.



8/16

MANNIEIsnt this a teachers lounge? Where isthe rest of the faculty?

Jim sags.

JIMThey dont eat in here anymore on accountof my... Never mind all that, don't beshy, come on in buddy, take a look atwhat I'm doing.

Mannie walks over and stands in front of the desk Jim issitting at.

JIM (CONTD)Ever see a piece of ass like this? Ofcourse you haven't... look at you.

Jim turns the computer screen to face Mannie.

The screen shows a picture of a hideously obvioustranssexual.

Mannie covers his eyes.

MANNIEWhoa! My retinas just detatched, turn itoff please!

JIMWhoa yourself Thumbelina, have you evereven seen a mirror?

Jim turns the computer back around angrily.

JIM (CONTD)Think you can do better?

MANNIEBetter than you? No contest, I think Ican manage.

JIMOh yeah? Prove it.

Jim scribbles an address and hands it to Mannie.

JIM (CONTD)Meet me here, 8 p.m. sharp, and bringyour big boy britches...



9/16

Jim eyeballs Mannies odd knobby knees and thin frame toppedoff by his aged Jack O Lantern looking head.

JIM (CONTD)If you own any. The last one to strike

out three times picks up the tab.

MANNIEI could use a night out, only oneproblem, I dont drive Mr?

JIMJim, Jim Haddon, and what the hell is itIm supposed to call you?

Mannie points at the tag left on his shirt by Sam.

MANNIE

Mannie Boyles what my parents named me.

Mannie scribbles his address and hands it to Jim.

MANNIE (CONTD)Heres my address.

JIMYou mean you dont live at Willy WonkasChocolate Factory with the rest of theOompa Loompas?

MANNIEOnly on the weekends that your fathercomes to visit, the fudge packersdepartment would be lost without him.

Jim laughs.

JIMYoure alright, so you going to need abooster seat or anything?

Jim laughs, Mannie walks out. The bell rings for lunch,Mannie walks into the crowded hall and checks his watch.

MANNIEI wonder what could be keeping Sam...

EXT. LOCAL MIDDLE SCHOOL/ROOF - DAY (MOMENTS LATER)

C Dog has Sam by the collar. C Dog's free hand curls into atight fist that hovers just above Sams snivelling nose. Samshuts his eyes tightly, breathes deep and prepares forimpact.



10/16

C DOGThought I wouldnt find you up here, huh?Ill teach you to run from your dailybeatings!

C Dog stuffs Sam into a dented and rusty metal trash can andslams on the lid. He kicks it over the edge, Sam SCREAMS ashe careens down.

INT. LOCAL MIDDLE SCHOOL HALL - DAY (CONTINUOUS)

The hall is now deserted.

MANNIEEh, Im sure hes fine.

Mannie walks away, behind him the trash can crashes to theground. Sam spills out, tries to heave himself up and faints.

EXT. JIMS 1988 YUGO - NIGHT

The car is moving through a deserted and dilapidated part oftown.

INT. JIMS 1988 YUGO - NIGHT (CONTINUOUS)

Jim is in the middle of a rant.

JIMAnd thats why I dont believe incircumcision, I mean what do you thinkRabbi's do with foreskin after its beencut off? It just doesn't...

Jim continues rambling. A thought bubble appears overMannies head.

EXT. THOUGHT BUBBLE SEQUENCE - DAY

A crudely drawn Building with a big canvas sign announcingWe Sell Foreskin". Two flamboyantly dressed Rabbis walk into the building talking and walk out seconds later chewingvigorously.

PAN OUT:

Reveal the rest of the sign which reads We Sell ForeskinskyBrand Gum!

Thought bubble poofs away.



11/16

INT. JIMS 1988 YUGO - NIGHT

JIMSnap out of it sunshine, were here.

MANNIELets get this over with.

EXT. LOCAL DIVE BAR - NIGHT

Jims car is parallel parked just outside the door.

INT. LOCAL DIVE BAR - NIGHT (MOMENTS LATER)

Jim and Mannie sit on stools at bar. Jim signals to JOE THEBARTENDER, A well built homosexual mans man in his latetwenties.

JOE THE BARTENDERWhat will you guys have?

JIMA high ball for me and for my new friendhere a low ball so he can reach it.

MANNIEThis from the man who always looks likehe's melting, Was your mom REALLY theWicked Witch of the West?

JIMI suffer from hyperhidrosis, thanks forthat soul crushing blow though, AND MYMOTHER WAS A SAINT!

Joe clears his throat.

MANNIEYeah, sorry... A raspberry daiquiri forme please... Virgin

JOE THE BARTENDERSo a Highball for Leaky Larry and a

Virgin for the virgin? Got it.

The lights in the bar goes out. A side door bursts open, ItsMR. YO, Chinese owner of Local Convenience Store, Flamboyant32 year old male. Lover to Joe the Bartender.

JOE THE BARTENDER (CONTD)If you don't turn on my god damn power Iwill break you into pieces like the cheapChinese porcelain you are!



12/16

MR. YOAs soon as you answer one question, howmany white men does it take to screw in alight bulb?

A.

JOE GLARES AT MR. YO.

B.

MR. YO GLARES BACK.

MR. YO (CONTD)Just one, you people will screwanything!!

Mr. Yo dashes off in a flurry of flailing arms and high

pitched sobs. Joe takes off after him.

JOE THE BARTENDERBaby wait!

Jim polishes off his drink.

JIMNo worries, this is normal but we betterleave before they start...

Jim is interrupted by a RHYTHMIC THUDDING which steadilygrows louder and more frantic.

JIM (CONTD)Their reconciliation.

Jim and Mannie throw a few dollars onto the bar and run outbefore the money even has a chance to settle.

INT. JIMS 1988 YUGO - NIGHT (LATER)

Jim notices a HOOKER, A fat and toothless woman in a miniskirt thats not wearing shoes but has a teddy bear backpack, walking down the road.

Jim pulls over towards the hooker.

JIMAre you working or on a break?

HOOKERWorking sweetie, you paying and wereplaying. What do you say?



13/16

JIMDrop the P and Im in.

HOOKERDrop the P in what?

JIM(Suddenly angry)

In P-shut the hell up and get in the damncar thats what... You think I like this?You think I enjoythe kind of souldepleting agony it takes to stop a womansuch as yourself only to have tonegotiate the price of my dwindling selfworth? Get in the freaking car streetrat!

MANNIE

(Cutting in)Please excuse my friend here, he doesntdo this often. I thinkthat was supposedto be a joke, right Jim?

Jim tugs his collar. Smiles nervously.

JIMYeah, A joke... Thats me, Im a joker,ha ha, funny see?

HOOKERUmm... OK, Well fifteen dollars will getyou a half and ha--

Jim puts his fingers to her lips.

JIMShh Shh Shh... Money is no object, Im amiddle school teacher, and I don't reallyknow this little guy too well...

Jim points at Mannie.

JIM (CONTD)

But by the looks of him Id say UncleSam's cutting the little bugger somepretty big disability checks.

MANNIECount me out.

HOOKERToo bad, could have been fun but whateveryou want, got a smoke?



14/16

Jim hands over a half smoked cigarette from the ash tray.

JIMCall that a good faith deposit.

The hooker gets in the car.

MANNIEYou know I never thought Id see a reallife Gummy Bear. Talk about a toothlessbeast.

HOOKERIt helps my career. Its kind of like Bar-B-Qing.

MANNIEHows that?

HOOKER(Winks)

Clients like it better when you just letthe meat slide around on the grill.

Mannie cringes, holding back the vomit that tries to sprayfrom his mouth.

JIMSo... Do you like history?

HOOKERRole playings going to cost ya extra.

Jim slams the break.

JIMGet out.

Hooker shrugs and exits.

MANNIEWhatd you do that for? She looked cheapenough for your tastes.

JIMShe thought I'd role play sex as animportant figure from history, the nerve.

MANNIEI dont follow.



15/16

JIMCould you imagine George Washington orRoss Pierrot doing to their lovely wiveswhat I planned on doing to that woman?

A thought bubble appears.

INT. THOUGHT BUBBLE/JIMS LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Jim's empty living room has protective plastic on the floor.A single bulb lights the area. A chef's hat, apron on a coatrack and a slow moving mechanical bull are the sole pieces offurniture. The bulls saddle is slathered with gobs ofstrawberry jelly dripping sluggishly to the plastic below.

Thought bubble poofs away

INT. JIMS 1988 YUGO - NIGHT

MANNIE(Shuddering)

Youre depraved.

EXT. MANNIES HOUSE - NIGHT (A LITTLE LATER)

Mannie exits Jims car and waves good bye as he leaves. A carcomes around the top of the street, blaring rock and roll andbuilding speed. Mannie watches its approach.

MANNIEWhat now?

The car barely slows down as a senior wearing a visor thatsays 'Sr' throws an old tape recorder. It hits Mannie in thehead and begins to play "Short People" by Randy Newman.

MANNIE (CONTD)Oh well, could be worse.

A clap of thunder is heard. Mannie looks up and sticks hishand out to check for rain.

The same car filled with the high school seniors speed by

once more dousing Mannie in dirty puddle water instead.

MANNIE (CONTD)I stand corrected.

Mannie drops the tape recorder and walks to his house.

ELIZA; A brunette woman in her mid 30's with a thin waist andbig hips, flags Mannie down.



16/16

ELIZAHey sweetie, you dropped something!

Mannie turns around. Eliza notices the weird looking littleman but she barely even reacts.

ELIZA (CONTD)Oh... youre different.

Mannies eyes are wide and star struck.

MANNIEAnd youre beautiful.

ELIZAWell aren't you just cutest thing on twolegs, What's your name darlin'?

MANNIEI'm Mannie Boyle.

ElIZAI'm Eliza sweetie, and I like the cut ofyour jib. Call me sometime.

Eliza winks and walks away.

Mannie smiles to himself.

MANNIELooks like someone owes me a drink.

The car full of seniors speeds by once more, the senior leansout of the car window and dumps an orange slushy all overMannies head.


Man Boy - The New Guy Blues (Pilot)

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