Making Black into White: More on Bureaucrat-ese

“Our vendors follow good manufacturing practices to segregate ingredients to avoid cross contact with allergens. Made in a facility that processes tree nuts.”

-Trader Joe’s

“Tree nuts” are code for peanuts, to which many people are extremely allergic. The point is that they DO NOT follow good manufacturing practices and expect you to read the fine point to protect yourself, esp. if you are allergic to peanuts.

Writing, Editing, and Copyediting (Proofreading)

May 16, 2012

Writing

• Stream of consciousness.• Free association.• Non-judgmental!• Like journal writing.• Allows you to record your thoughts as they occur.• Lets you capture lots of random detail.– Some detail may be important.– A lot may not.– You can pick and choose later.

Editing

• Analyze and organize your thoughts.• Eliminate extraneous points.• Determine gaps in logic, missing information.• Read the text out loud.

Editing: From Style and Ethics, p. 8“A stepwise approach to editing critically exploits these two fundamental units of composition. For example, many suggest that the first step should consist of reading the first and last paragraphs of the document to ensure a consistent introduction and conclusion. The second step should consist of reading the first sentence of each successive paragraph to ensure that the work flows logically. Indeed, some go further to suggest that one should be able to glean the salient points of a document by reading only the first sentence of each paragraph. Although we do not wish to suggest such a dogmatic approach, casual guidance can certainly come from such an exercise. The third step of critical editing is a careful evaluation sentence by sentence. In other words, while reading each sentence within context, we should ask if it is necessary, if it is consistent in tense, and if it as concise and clear as possible. This brings us to the fourth and last step of critical editing, an evaluation word by word. We should ask, for example, if we have avoided the use of jargon as well as redundant or unnecessary words and if the intended meaning of each word actually reflects its definition. Word choice is critical. From a pragmatic perspective, we can simultaneously evaluate sentence by sentence and word by word.

Editing Checklist

1.Read first and last paragraph.– Are they logically consistent?– Does one include material the other lacks?– Be esp. critical of the introductory material.

2.Read first (topic) sentence of each paragraph as a group of major ideas.– Do they flow?– Are there any logical gaps?– Are there things that don’t make sense, are unnecessary, or

out of place?– Are there things that could be eliminated to tighten the flow?

Editing Checklist (Cont.)

3.Review each sentence.• Single idea?• Necessary• Consistent (verb tense, singular/plural problems)• Concise• Clear

– Meaning of the sentence– Relationships between subject, verb, and object– Relationships between sentences in a paragraph– Relationship between last sentence of a paragraph and the first

sentence of the following paragraph

• Active (esp. verbs)

Editing Checklist (Cont.)

4. Review each word.–Avoid jargon (unless relevant to intended

audience).–Eliminate unnecessary and redundant words.–Evaluate whether each word is the appropriate

choice for your intended meaning.

Copyediting

• Final opportunity to fine tune your thoughts and perfect your language.

• Some recommend reading your text out loud – backwards – to make problems easier to spot.

From Style and Ethics, p. 9If you ask someone to proofread your work, make sure to tell them that you want them to be “brutally honest” rather than overly concerned about being critical. Moreover, once you receive the feedback, be careful to avoid the two most common responses: either to ignore the comments because you “know” that you were correct in the first place or to incorporate the suggested changes without questioning.These two responses are equally inappropriate. If a colleague questions the way something is stated, particularly if based on deep knowledge of the technical area, this at least suggests that the text could be written more clearly. In other words, if they do not understand what you are trying to say, chances are others will likewise not understand. Consider revising the text along the lines they suggest or in another way; the important thing is to give the suggested revision careful consideration. Conversely, incorporating suggested changes without questioning is dangerous. The primary goal is to communicate most effectively that which you are trying to say. If your colleague’s suggestion does that, great; if not, work to improve clarity and conciseness and perhaps have your colleague read it again. Often, it is helpful to ask them what was confusing or what they thought you meant to say. Sometimes an explanation reveals how best to say it in the written word.

Writing, Editing, and CopyeditingUse Different Parts of Your Brain

• Separate these phases in time.• Write first, edit in a separate session (wait at least

24 hours), proofread in a third.– Sometimes it’s hard to separate editing and

proofreading.• Ask a colleague to read and comment on your

work.– Pick this person carefully to represent the audience

you’re writing for.• Esp. technical vs. non-technical.

Class Editing ExerciseTopic: Reducing Healthcare Costs

through Employer Involvement

In 2011 Johnson & Johnson celebrates its 125th birthday. Reflecting on the past 125 years, it is evident that the company has always been committed to health. From the groundbreaking manufacturing of sterile dressings in the 1880s to the current diverse product mix ranging from consumer care to surgical devices and pharmaceuticals, the company has always been dedicated to improving health. This was the introduction to a journal article I edited. It was criticized as being too “promotional and unacademic.”

My EditIn 2011 Johnson & Johnson celebrates its 125th birthday. Reflecting on the past 125 years, it is evident that the company has always been committed to health. [This value is reflected in its] From the groundbreaking manufacturing of sterile dressings in the 1880s to the its current diverse product mix ranging from consumer care to surgical devices and pharmaceuticals, the company has always been dedicated to improving health.

Main point first, followed by specific example to underscore that point.Note use of “Johnson & Johnson,” the company’s preferred usage.Word count went from 61 to 39 words, and 3 sentences to 2.

Class Copyediting Exercise

As times changed, employee health needs evolved as well. The focus shifted from prevention of infectious disease to prevention of chronic diseases. This shift can be traced back to 30 years ago, when then CEO James Burke recognized an alarming trend in employee health care costs. His insight and vision was that “prevention is the key.” So he set two goals: Give employees information about their health risks, empower them to reduce those risks through behavior modifications programs, and bring down the company’s cost of health care by implementing the services and programs efficiently.

My Edit/Copyedit

Homework Assignment: Due May 23• Review difference between critique and criticism (see PPTs

for Session 6). • Edit a previous writing assignment (unedited!) of your class

partner.• Present your analysis to him/her in person.• Submit the edited version to me (using tracking changes

on).– Include comments about the problems you found and how you

fixed them. – Discuss how your review went with the student whose work you

edited. • Plan to discuss your reviews in class May 23.

Class Partners

• David and Marvin edit each other’s work.• Zoe edits Jessica's work.• Jessica edits Barbara's work.• Barbara edits Zoe's work.