Love, Sexual Relationships & Communication

Human Sexuality

NSG 3403

Marie Ahrens

Love Quotes

“Love is an attempt at penetrating another being, but it can only succeed if the surrender is mutual”. Octavio Paz

“Love is the word used to label the sexual excitement of the young, the habituation of the middle-aged, and the mutual dependence of the old.” John Ciardi

The first duty of love is to listen.” Paul Tillich

Love Quotes

“When he’s late for dinner, I know he’s either having an affair or is lying dead in the street. I always hope it’s the street.”

– Jessica Tandy on her husband Hume Cronyn

What is love?

Difficult to define– can mean different things to different people– difficult to measure

Rubin’s “love scale”– 3 components

attachment: desire for physical presence & emotional support

caring: concern for each other’s well-being intimacy: desire for close & confidential

communication

– some validity to this measure weak lovers made less eye contact than strong lovers

Types of Love

Passionate love (infatuation or romance)– intense psychological feeling– physiological arousal– typically, strong sexual desire– early in relationship - avoid conflict, overlook

faults, complete fulfillment– short-lived transition to different love, or

ending of relationship

Types of Love

Companionate Love– friendly affection & deep attachment– extensive familiarity & thoughtful appreciation

with tolerance for short-comings– commitment to nurturing & problem-solving– richer, more meaningful sexuality

Types of Love

Sternberg’s triangular theory– 3 components

passion - motivation that fuels romance, attraction & desire

intimacy - sense of bondedness, warmth, sharing, closeness

commitment - conscious decision to love & maintain relationship

Types of Love

– passion builds, intensifies, then fades: intimacy & commitment continue to build

– presence or absence of different components account for variations in kinds of

love– research limited, but some support especially

for intimacy & commitment as predictors of stability

Lee’s Styles of Loving

– Romantic (eros): physical beauty, tactile pleasure

– Game playing (ludus): fun, casual, “conquests”– Possessive (mania): obsessive, jealous, roller-

coaster Ups & Downs– Companionate (storge): slow to develop,

enduring , peaceful & quiet– Altruistic (agape): selfless, caring,

compassionate, no expectation of reciprocation

– Pragmatic (pragma): rational, practical, shared interests, mutual satisfaction

Lee’s Styles of Loving

– Research is limited eros & agape had + correlation with satisfaction at

all ages ludus had - correlation storge had + correlation only for couples with

children at home mania & pragma unrelated

Falling in love: Why and with whom? The chemistry of love

– neurotransmitters in brain like amphetamines norepinephrine dopamine phenylethylamine (PEA)

– body builds tolerance for PEA diminished giddiness & euphoria

– endorphins may be responsible for deeper attachments: produce sense of

tranquility, security– loss/potential loss of loved one may be similar

to drug withdrawal

Falling in love: Why and with whom? Proximity

– familiarity breeds liking: mere exposure effect– familiarity breeds predictability greater

comfort Similarity

– share similar interests & activities– communicate better– confirm own views & experiences– supportive of values & beliefs

Falling in love: Why and with whom? Reciprocity

– when someone shows they like us, we tend to like them back!

– Positive reactions to flattery, compliments, attention

s likelihood of rejection Physical attractiveness

– aesthetically pleasing - infant studies > early preference for attractiveness

– “what’s beautiful is good” belief– status by association– most important in early stage of relationship

Development of Intimacy

Self-love– genuine interest, concern, respect for self– prerequisite for satisfying relationship with

others Phases of relationship

inclusion responsecare trustaffection playfulness

genitality

Issues in loving relationships

Relationship between love & sex– several possibilities– questions to ask

does sexual intimacy deepen a love relationship? Do men & women have different views of sex &

love? Does sexual orientation affect views of sex & love?

Issues in loving relationships

Sex & relationships on your terms– each person has to decide how to express own

sexuality– steps to take

knowing what you want asking for what you want saying “not yet” to sex ending a relationship managing rejection

Issues in loving relationships

Jealousy in relationships– definition= an aversive feeling in response to real

or imagined relationship between one’s partner & another

– jealousy prone person low self-esteem, high value on wealth, fame,

popularity, attractiveness– negative consequences

precipitates violence, stifles developing relationship & pleasure, anxiety, depression, anger

– numerous gender differences- triggers, coping, experiences

Maintaining relationship satisfaction

Ingredients in a lasting love relationship– self-acceptance– appreciation of other’s qualities– commitment– good communication– realistic expectations– shared interests– ability to face & deal with conflict

Maintaining relationship satisfaction

Sexual variety– communication is critical– vary times & places– be open to spontaneous experiences– plan time together, dates– discuss what is comfortable vs normal– read & discuss books, videos on sexual

techniques

Communication

Importance of Communication

Key = Mutual Empathy Why sexual communication is difficult

– socialization: messages that shame & discomfort re: sexuality; lack of +role models; - role models

– limited vocabulary: too clinical,harsh, juvenile– gender-based differences: M inform or gain

status/power; W achieve intimacy/closeness– anxiety: more vulnerable

Talking: Getting Started

Ice breakers– talk about talking- it is hard to talk– read & discuss - may be easier, less threatening– share sexual histories

Listening and Feedback– Active listening > genuine interest– Feedback > interest & understanding– Acknowledge communication efforts > mutual

empathy, trust– Unconditional positive regard > Caring no

matter what is said– Paraphrasing > understanding & can correct

misunderstanding

Discover your partner’s needs

Questioning: yes-no > structured, information; either-or > some structure, information; open-ended > structure, ++ information

Self-disclosure: elicits disclosure; small disclosures then build; back off or slow down if partner threatened

Comparing notes: before sex (avoid slow or frustration trial & error discoveries); after sex (reinforce pleasurable activities & intimacy)

Giving permission: before (encourage & support efforts to talk); after (reassure & reinforce)

Learning to make requests

Responsibility for own pleasure (partner -not guessing or doing all work)

Make specific requests (to clarify, understand, compliance)

Use “I” language (assertive, not selfish, try non-sexual 1st, if during sexual situation > try again when relaxed)

“You” versus “I” messages

You– You make me so mad!

– You are such an inconsiderate jerk!

– Can’t you ever be sensitive to my feelings?

– I feel like are always criticizing me.

– Stop being so sarcastic.

I– It hurts me when you hang

up the phone & do not say goodbye.

– I get frustrated when I have dinner ready at 6 and you don’t get here till 7.

– I feel like I don’t matter to you.

– That hurt when you called me chunky last night.

– That sounded sarcastic to me. Was it intended to be?

Giving & Receiving Criticism

Constructive criticism strategies: ? your motivation- STOP if hurt, humiliate, blame, ridicule, or getting even; choose time & place - STOP if public, angry, time, stressed, “impaired”, preoccupied: praise & criticism - ask for feedback: small steps > change: “why” questions: One complaint at a time: express anger appropriately> appreciation for partner, focus anger on behavior not person, use I not You statements (=blaming)

Receiving criticism: take deep breath, count to 10; empathize, paraphrase; acknowledge a basis for complaint; ask clarifying questions; verbalize feelings about criticism not act out; focus on changes possible

Saying NO

Reasons this is difficult– fear of hurting other person– fear other person’s anger, aggression

Three-step approach– appreciate request (“thanks”)– clearly define (“I prefer not to”)– possibly offer an alternative (“how about”)

Avoid sending mixed messages– consistent words & actions– if receive mixed message, clarify

Nonverbal Sexual Communication

Facial expressions > pleasure or displeasure; anger, anxiety or interest; enthusiasm can misread - clarify

Interpersonal distance > signals desire for intimacy & contact OR rejection & withdraw

Touching & sounds > tempo, pressure, location = signal desires: total silence or raucous sounds may offend or inhibit; discuss preferences

Impasses

Talking may not solve every problem or guarantee desired change

Additional steps to try– validate your partner’s view, maintain

legitimacy of your own (agree to disagree)– take a break from each other; agree to revisit

the issue at another time– grant each other the right to live by own beliefs– consider counseling if impasse threatens

relationship

Resources

Websites: http://www.wwme.org/– http://www.umr.edu/~counsel/assert.html

Diversity Boxes chapters 7 & 8

THE END

BUT THIS IS REALLY JUST THE

BEGINNING!!