LOVE & LOGIC · Do NOT want to be embarrassed in front of their friends. Do NOT want to be put on...
Transcript of LOVE & LOGIC · Do NOT want to be embarrassed in front of their friends. Do NOT want to be put on...
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RESILIENT FAMILIES: EVERY DAY STRATEGIES
TOM BRUNZELL, Berry Street Victoria
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WHAT do YOU want for our kids?
What life-competencies do you want them to have?
Which frustrations do you want them to handle better?
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Amygdala Emotional core
Fear
Locus Ceruleus
Anxiety Reponse
Hippocampus Memory centre
Stores raw emotion Cortisol activation
Cortisol Adrenaline
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Consider a way that STRESS is GOOD for you.
We all clear our cortisol at different rates
Learning to use that ‘heightened’ feeling
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WHICH ONE ARE YOU?
or
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Plan A
Plan C
Plan B KEEP KID THINKING
Ask questions
Stay curious
Brainstorm choices
Only choices that YOU are good with
(Greene, 2014)
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PRESERVE SELF-CONCEPT
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If arguing or resistance continues...
BRAINDEAD
And buy time. And keep yourself thinking.
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LOCK IN
EMPATHY PREVENT
FIGHT OR FLIGHT. OPEN THE HEART AND MIND
TO LEARNING
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“This sucks. I don’t feel like doing it.”
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If arguing or resistance continues...
BRAINDEAD
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I like you
I love you
I respect you
TOO MUCH TO ARGUE.
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AREN’T YOU GLAD THAT I DON’T BELIEVE THAT?
(sarcasm alert!)
Then TURN away
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Ohhh.
This is so sad.
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SARCASM
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Nice try.
(MUST HAVE GENUINE)
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I know.
Empathy—not sympathy.
No further arousal! We have to be careful with tone.
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AREN’T YOU GLAD THAT I DON’T BELIEVE THAT?
(sarcasm alert!)
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THE GOOD NEWS is that I’m still
going to love and support you no matter what
happened today.
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I’m going to have to do something about this.
Not now. Later.
***(Buy yourself time!)
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What next?
Offer choices that YOU are ok with.
Beware of the double-bind choice.
Maintain the logical consequence every time.
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GRIT:
Passion + Persistence
Grit beats IQ every time in high performers
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STAMINA
Developmental stamina
One minute at a time for developmental independence
Realistic and accurate
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WHO on your teams or in your family represents STAMINA?
What are their first responses to adversity?
What strategies do they have to NEVER GIVE UP?
Who do they seek help from to keep going?
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Stamina is about exploding long held myths
I am dumb.
Things don’t come easy for me at first.
I am smart.
I work hard.
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FIXED vs. GROWTH MINDSET
Control group got study skills
Other group got study skills + one-pager article that said that effort is key.
Positive Praise is detrimental?
(Dweck, 2006)
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FIXED mindset
GROWTH mindset
Motivated to: Prove themselves Learn from experiences
Challenges: Avoid Embrace
Obstacles: Give up easily Persist in face of setbacks
Effort: See effort as pointless
See effort as path to mastery
Criticism: Ignore feedback Learns from feedback
Success of others:
Threatened Inspired and learns
Performance: Plateaus early Keeps reaching
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You are really good at sports.
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I was told that I could do anything I set my mind to.
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FIXED OR GROWTH?
Your intelligence is something that you can’t change very much.
I like it when people tell me how to improve.
The boys in our family are not good at maths.
I am no good at studying and never have been.
I get really nervous when facing a challenge, but I dive in anyway.
If I can’t do something, it’s really embarrassing.
“NO” is a question!!
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YOUR TEAM?
Your parents?
Your kids?
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THE VOCABULARY of Resiliency
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ABCD:
ACTION BELIEF
CHANGE & FLIP
D!
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Listening and Labelling SELF TALK
Personal
Permanent
Pervasive
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ACTIVE CONSTRUCTIVE RESPONDING
CONSTRUCTIVE DESTRUCTIVE
ACTIVE
PASSIVE
Genuine Interest /
Amplifies the experience
Deflates good news / Raises alarm
Understated support / Conversation stalls
Ignores the event / Steals the conversation
AMPLIFY
DEFLATE
STALL
STEAL
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ENFORCEABLE STATEMENTS We are NOT telling kids how to live their lives.
We are telling them what WE are going to do.
What is the difference?
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ENFORCEABLE STATEMENTS
You need to lower your voice.
I would like you to get back to work now.
You need to finish this assignment before lunch.
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I teach when there are no distractions
I listen when people don’t interrupt each other.
I’ll listen when your voice is calm.
I transition students who are ready.
I listen to one person at a time.
I listen to students who raise their hands.
I’m going to have to do something about this. We’ll talk later.
I will like you regardless of how well or how poorly you do in my class. I’m going to have to something about this. We’ll talk later.
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What does NOT work
Dangling rewards
Anger, threats, lectures
Arguing back and forth with kids
Isolation—”You’re on your own!”
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Ahhh, the teenager...
Do NOT want to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Do NOT want to be put on the spot
Do NOT want adults to like the same things they do.
Teens don’t want you in their business.
Want you when they want you, and then want to be left alone
RESPECTFULLY: TELL TEENS insight about themselves. “I’ve noticed, that you are the kind of person who...”
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RESILIENT FAMILIES: •Build GRIT and STAMINA for developmental perseverance
•Spot RESILIENT language •Capitalise on positive NEWS •DE-ESCALATE with EMPATHY