Love Letter and Suicide Notes

8/10/2019 Love Letter and Suicide Notes

1/24

Index

Good Morning

My First Apartment

That Old Familiar Blues Guitar

My Father

Tag, youre it.

Bouteille la mer

Words On Your Sreen

!Sintilla day " # The $reeping

Marh o% the &pilogue

'andom Fats


2/24

Good Morning

$on%usion, disorientation, anger and misery s(eep o)er me as * (a+e up. o( did * get in the

-edroom/ This %irst thought -rings to my -ody insu%%era-le pain#my head is pounding, my

stomah is %lopping li+e a %resh aught trout, and e)ery single musle in my -ody is a tense mass0

all harlie1horsing at the same time. The sudden urge to )omit s(eeps o)er me and * run %or the

-athroom.

As * enter * do not see the sattered remains o% the last e)enings e)ents. The ontents o% my

stomah lea)e me as i% running %rom a %ire#rashing through my mouth suddenly and )iolently. *t is

(ine, t(el)e hours old and a little too s(eet0 ranid %rom the night in my stomah. * sit -a+ andlean against the (all loo+ing %or a ool plae to lay my head. The -rutality o% the )omiting has le%t

tears standing in my eyes. They -lur my )ision -ut not so muh that * dont see (hat is littered

a-out this room0 more apparent to me no( that my stomah has eased its assault. The e)ents o%

the night -e%ore ome rushing -a+ to me, %ast and %iere, and * suddenly remem-er (hy * %eel this

(ay.

I fucking hate Wal-mart!* dont thin+ this as muh as %eel it. The lines and the e)er present

population o% sreaming hildren ma+e this a hard plae %or me to thin+. * ha)e a sel% en%ored rulethat * an only ome here -et(een 23 p.m. and 23 a.m.4 there are %e(er people and less hane o%

running into a s(arm o% hildren during those hours -ut tonight, the on)eniene is something *

ant turn do(n. * ha)e a million thoughts -om-arding my mind and try to push them a(ay and

%ous. * made a promise to mysel% and dont need any stray ideas 5eopardi6ing that pat. a)ing

done an internet searh -e%ore lea)ing the house * +no( that they ha)e the per%et grill in sto+ and

e)erything else * need. * am heading %or the haroal no(0 ne7t the (ine and then the grill0 its

loated near the -a+ e7it and * an -oune right out that door (hen * go.

A man on a mission, * (aste no time gathering the haroal and the -iggest -ottle o% (ine my

-udget (ill allo( and then head to(ards the -a+ entrane to %ind the grills#loo+ing %or the e7at

one * sa( on the net. The piture on the -o7 is less important than the prie. * ha)e %i%ty1three

dollars to my name and this one is on sale %or t(enty1%i)e, lea)ing 5ust enough %or the rest o% the

supplies. *)e seen the same grill a million times4 -la+, round, a-out t(o %eet o%% the %loor, and a lid

that isnt on a hinge. * %inally %ind it and gra- the last one. * head %or the register and thin+ a-out

(hat * am doing.Do I really want to spend every cent I have? Am I throwing it away?* steel my

resol)e and tell mysel% this is the -est idea *)e had in (ee+s. Theres no time %or 8uestions no(#i% *

stall * (ill on)ine mysel% to (ait and ha)e already (aited long enough. * spend the last o% the

money * ha)e and lea)e (ith a solid 9Good 'iddane: %lashing on my -a+.

* %eel almost mehanial during the dri)e home#not allo(ing mysel% the lu7ury o% ontemplation. *

ha)e a spei%i ourse set in my mind and dont allo( any other ideas to enter my thoughts. * (al+


3/24

in the door and drop the -o7 (ith the piees that (ill -eome my ne( grill on the %loor along (ith

the haroal and head %or the +ithen to get a glass ; * may -e planning on drin+ing the (hole -ottle

-ut *m not a -ar-arian na-le to say aloud the thoughts

that * hide %rom the (orld, * %ore mysel% to hold them apti)e. * am a prison o% sel%1pity and dou-t.

The (ea+ness * %eel inside only %eeds the hatred * ha)e %or mysel% and * am trapped in a struggle

-et(een my sel%1esteem and my sanity. ?o matter the (inner the %uture loo+s -lea+ and

unrelenting0

*t is too late %or 9i% onlys: and 9* (ishs.: * ha)e made up my mind and (ill %inally ans(er yes to

the 8uestion * as+ mysel% e)ery day (hen * (a+e up, 9Will today -e the day * die:

* open the -ag o% haroal and pour hal% the ontents into the grill %illing it. * -ought the pre1soa+ed

haroal so no %luid is needed. * gulp do(n (hat is o)er hal% a glass o% (ine ma+ing room %or the

)ery last o% the -ottle. * ta+e the glass into the -athroom and set it on the ounter, then go -a+ %or

the grill, setting it in the %loor. * (onder i% * am drun+ enough. * (onder i% * truly -elie)e * (ont -e

lea)ing this room and reali6e 8ui+ly that * really hope to die here. * ha)e had enough struggle. *

(or+ hard to %eel good enough to lim- out o% -ed and %ae the (orld and the %at remains that there(ards are %e( and %ar -et(een.


4/24

A%ter * shut the door * put a to(el in %ront o% it to a)oid any un(anted o7ygen reeping in. * light

the grill and (ath as the %lames gro( as the %luid does its 5o-. The room is small and (ill (or+

(ell %or my purposes.

* sit do(n and (ait.How long?* (onder. * ta+e deep e)en -reaths (aiting %or the o7ygen to -e

oo+ed out o% the room. * (ant it to dro(n me (hile * sit here, to ha)e death (elome me li+e a lost

lo)er home at last.

As the %ire -uilds the room -eomes hot#s(eltering#and (ith eah -reath my throat -urns as

though * am -reathing diretly %rom an e7haust pipe. The haroal -urns an e)en red no( and * hear

the popping %rom (ithin that reminds me o% ampground %ires. * sit on the %loor thin+ing that it

should -e ooler do(n here -ut this pro)es a %oolish hoie. * am so lose to the grill no( that *

imagine an in%erno, s(allo(ing me (hole, harring my s+in, and lea)ing a sarred hus+ una-le to

hide %rom the (orld e)er again.

* ha)e no strength to get up despite the heat that should ma+e me run in %ear. * an %eel my heart-eat

in my hest and hear it in my ears, [email protected]. &ah -eat louder than the %irst, +rr@@thud. * ha)e

a headahe,+rr@@.thum. * dont +no( ho( long * an stand this, +a@@.tha.

My eyes lose. * an %eel unonsiousness dragging me into the dar+ness that is reeping in around

the edges o% the (orld. * (elome the relie%, the (eight o% the ontempt * ha)e %or mysel% lea)ing

(ith e)ery -reath. * am not smart enough to +no( (hat is ne7t %or me -ut it has to -e -etter than

(here * ha)e ome %rom. S(eat drips %rom my nose as * slump into the orner and %eel my li%e

lea)ing me. As * su%%oate slo(ly on my -athroom %loor * thin+ a-out the God * re%use to -elie)e in.

* thin+ ho( muh * (ould li+e to -e %orgi)en, e7onerated %or misgi)ings and pride%ul mista+es.

?e)er -e%ore ha)e * %elt (orthy o% these things and no( * +no( * am -eyond that.* an no longer hear my heart-eat. * an no longer %eel the heat. All that * am is si66ling a(ay in my

-rand ne( grill. *% only * had said something#*% only * ould. * ha)e thought a-out it se)eral times

and al(ays %eel the (ea+ness inside me -ar+ing li+e a hound on a hain. This li%e * ha)e li)ed has

taught me to -e autious and reser)ed a-out allo(ing people to see the %railty * +eep lo+ed a(ay.

As * lay here (illing my li%e a(ay * +no( (ea+ness and %ear are %ar less shame%ul than lea)ing this

(orld and ha)ing un%inished -usiness.

?o(, * sit and loo+ at the arnage le%t %rom my %ailed attempt to rid the (orld o% mysel%. The -linds

and )arious -ottles o% shampoo and leaning produts are melted and (arped %rom the heat. The

eiling, o)ered in sheetro+ poporn, has olleted -la+ smudges o% soot that (ill pro)e to -e the

most po(er%ul reminder o% my ations %or months to ome. The grill sits on the %loor in %ront o% the

a-inet, paint peeling o%% in huge piees that loo+ li+e ripped paper sattered around it. *t grins at

me, my struggles (ith li%e and lo)e (ritten in the dar+ness o% that -la+ toothed smile, -e+oning

me to use the last o% the haroal to %inish the deed. * struggle (ith the urge %or a minute, (anting to

do 5ust that0 to ma+e this the day that * ans(er yes. Someho(, though, * pi+ mysel% up and pull

%rom the strength * ha)e le%t to go through yet another day.


5/24

My First Apartment

The %ire esape had a loose -olt0 (hen * (ould lim- it it (ould pull %ree %rom the (all slightly. *t

(as t(o stories o%% the ground so it (ould sare me hal% to death most o% the time -ut * had little

hoie#* had no other (ay to get in#* had no other plae to go. * had -een homeless %or a %e( (ee+s

and * +ne( someone (ho had li)ed in this apartment and had gotten e)ited, so * started snea+ing in

at night.

* (as still trying to go to shool#it (as a plae to -e %or a (hile and * needed the ompany. The %irst

(orst thing a-out -eing homeless is the solitude. You are alone all the time. &)en people you +no(

all o% a sudden at li+e you ha)e an in%etious disease and you an tell that i% they do get trappedtal+ing to you that they are ner)ous and leery. You %ind yoursel% tal+ing out loud to no one at all#

simply to hear the sound o% a human )oie. The apartment (as a -lo+ a(ay %rom shool so * (ould

sleep there and go to shool in the morning. A%ter(ards, * (ould %ind a plae to hide mysel% %rom

the (orld until (ell a%ter dar+ -e%ore snea+ing in.

When you opened the (indo( the %irst thing you (ould notie is the s(eet smell o% ranid %ood.

The po(er had -een o%% %or o)er a month and the re%rigerator had -een le%t (ith a %e( items in it,

;on purpose


6/24

usually -ut it (as -etter than eating Yogi.

e (ould lo)e to dart out o% the shado(s and poune on me -e%ore play%ully hopping o%% to some

other part o% the room. e helped add some normaly to the a-surdity my li%e had -eome. The

seond or third night he (as there * heard him rething in the dar+ness and gra--ed my andle to

%ind him#(hat * %ound (as that e)enings meal teeming (ith a large pile o% (orms. * (as morti%ied

and a little on%used#%or a seond * thought the mo)ement * (as seeing (as a tri+ o% the %li+ering

andle. * pi+ed up (hat * ould (ith an old t1shirt that * thre( into the +ithen and o)ered the rest

(ith another.

The ne7t night * (as (al+ing to(ards the apartment around midnight#* had made it a point to steal

some de1(ormer mediine %rom the store earlier and (as a-out to turn to(ards the dri)e(ay (hen

something aught my eye. * loo+ed up and sa( the -eam %rom a %lashlight mo)ing around the room.

As * stood there (athing the (indo( * sa( a polie o%%ier (al+ past using his light to (ath

(here he (as (al+ing. That (as it#* had 5ust -een e)ited#in that instant * +ne( * ould ne)er go

-a+, e)er. All o% a sudden * (as -eing ast out on the streets again#* didnt +no( it then -ut it(ould -e %or a lot longer this time.

* ne)er managed to go -a+ to that shool#* (as a-out to start my adult eduation. The one (here *

%ound out a-out soup +ithens and day old donut shops. The one (here * %irst met a prostitute and

learned a-out hunger and old. * an tell you this though, in that apartment, * may ha)e -een sared

and lonely#* may ha)e -een pretending * (as o+ay -ut at least, %or a (hile, * (as home.


7/24

That Old Familiar Blues Guitar

Yesterday, (hen * (o+e up, * (as (ell rested and generally in good spirits. *t (as a mid1si7ties

gorgeous day, the sun (as shining do(n through -ig -eauti%ul louds that +ept the heat at -ay0 there

(as an a-undane o% promise that %illed the air. As * got in my tru+ %or the dri)e to (or+, * (as %ull

o% hope that the day (ould -e a good one.

As * na)igated through the streets, ma+ing my (ay to the house * (as to paint, something hanged,

* -eame a )ampire. The sun no longer %elt li+e a gi%t %rom the hea)ens, -eaming do(n the li%e-lood

that (e re8uire, -ut a male)olent deity hurling rays o% radioati)e light do(n on me in an attempt to

har my s+in and shine a light on the a-omination * suddenly %elt li+e.

* +ne(, almost as soon as * %elt the s(ith, (hat (as happening4 depression. * am an old hand at

spotting it andsometimes* an stop it -e%ore it gets too -ad. Yesterday (as not one o% those

times. * -egan 8uestioning my li%e, the people in it and their moti)ation %or -eing my %riends.

* %elt the all too %amiliar lenh in my stomah, that signals a hard day to ome. All this -e%ore *

e)en get to (or+. So, as * pulled up to the 5o- to -e done that day, and sa( the people * (or+ (ith, *

+ne( it (as time to start the at4 smile (hen someone tries to -e %unny, +eep to mysel% as -est * an,

-ut dont let on that there are seeds o% a oup dtat -re(ing in my -rain, a-out to o)erturn me as its

ruler and supplant its o(n dar+ and un%orgi)ing ditator. 9Fa+e it Ctil you ma+e it: as one %riendalls it, -ut as the hours passed and * struggled to %ind the ause o% this dar+ness, * gre( e)er more

disenhanted.

All the (or+ * ha)e done in past months to shore up my li%e and -eome -etter a-le to deal (ith

li%es many trialsgone. As * loo+ed at the people * (or+ (ith it -eame harder and harder to pull

o%% the at. So-e%ore * lost the a-ility altogether* alled my -oss, told him * (asnt %eeling (ell

and le%t, * 5ust (anted to -e alone, to not ha)e to pretend %or a -unh o% people * really dont are

a-out. That an -e the hardest part o% days suh as * %ound mysel% in. As * dro)e home * tried to turn

the radio up loud to dro(n out the onstant needling that my -rain (as t(isting e)ery thought into.

This, too, (as a (asted e%%ort.

9Desus, * %eel li+e * might ry.: Be%ore * ould %inish the (ords, tears started rolling do(n my

hee+s. The torrent lasted until * got home, there (ere no so-s or sni%%ling, no apparent reason or

ause, 5ust tears that made me %eel (ea+ and alone as * struggled to hold mysel% together. * sat in my

tru+ %or a (hile until they %inished, not (anting to hane seeing mysel% in one o% the many

mirrors that adorn the (alls o% the house.

?o(, * sit here ha)ing alled into (or+ %or day t(o o% my -attle (ith my old enemy and (rite these

(ords trying to e7orise the demon that has ta+en o)er my mind. * am alone, (hih is (here * am

most om%orta-le, and %ighting to %ind peae one again. The only thing * +no( %or sure is that * am

-attle (eary, tired o% the %ight and hoping * ha)e enough strength to (in 5ust one more.


8/24


9/24

My Father

e (as a hard man, ame %rom the old shools old shool. e (as -rought up to ne)er sho(

(ea+ness, to ne)er gi)e an inh0 he stood up %or those he lo)ed e)en (hen they (ere (rong0 he (as

+ind to animals and hard as nails. e (ore a mustahe %or most o% my li%e and +ept his lo(er %alsies

in a o%%ee up on the ounter in the -athroom.

e one spent a (hole summer a%ternoon, (hen * (as %i)e, teahing me long di)ision0 * hadnt e)en

started shool. My %ather taught me a great many things4 ho( to tie my shoes and to tell time0 he

taught me to loo+ -oth1(ays, and that stealing (as (rong. e also taught me to drin+ Bud in the

anand a lot o% it, to smo+e Marl-oro reds and that )iolene isan option. e spent many yearsteahing me that the (orld is un%orgi)ing, a old and allous plae that (ill (hittle you do(n to the

marro( i% you ant -e hard enough or mean enough, i% you ant -e a man.

e had hard (or+ing1mans hands that (ere hard as stone, e)en (hen he (as -eing gentle. To ma+e

him laugh (as my greatest 5oy0 those moments (ere %e( and %ar -et(een, -ut (hen they happened

there (ould -e a t(in+le in his eye that had lo)e (ritten all o)er it. e li+ed to play a game (ith us

in (hih he (ould ta+e out his teeth, shut o%% all the lights, get do(n on all %ours and ra(l around

gro(ling. *% he aught us, he (ould 9gum: our arms or legs, and (e (ould a+le and s8ueal. We

alled this game Monster, and it is one o% my %ondest hildhood memories.

e one said to me, 9* used to +ill +ids li+eyou.: *t %rightened me %or years. * (ould hold my -reath

in the middle o% the night and listen, to see i% he (as snea+ing aross the +ithen, headed %or my

room. On the nights (hen * (o+e terri%ied -y a dream, * ne)er (ent to his room loo+ing %or a sa%e

plae to %inish my slum-er. The simple tas+ o% (al+ing to the -athroom a%ter all the lights (ere out

(as sometimes too muh to -ear.

e had li)ed through (ar and hunger0 he had seen heartahe and tragedy. e (as the li%e o% the

party and al(ays had a 5o+e on hand0 he ould -e sua)e and smooth or %um-ling and inept. e (as

my hero %or more years than any other * an thin+ o%, and * %eared him more than any Ee)il. e

-eame the %ae o% my anguish, and * learned to hate him (ith a %eroious ardor. * (rote him o%% and

(al+ed a(ay.

e le%t this (orld, and me in it, (ithout e)er +no(ing me as a man. * ne)er shoo+ his hand or

introdued him to my (oman0 * ne)er sho(ed him my strengths or made him regret my lea)ing. *

told him * lo)ed him 5ust -e%ore he (ent, and * %elt li+e it (as an at o% good(ill %rom me to him.

My hatred still -urned in the depths o% my heart, (here no-ody ould e7tinguish it, not e)en me. *

held it lose on lonely nights (ith dope in my )eins0 * made it my reason to -e less human.

9* miss your Ead0 he (as al(ays my %a)orite.:

Those (ords (ere uttered to me not that long ago, and * thought * (ould )omit. * %elt on%used and

outside reality, -ut * managed a, 9Why:


10/24

* learned that night that my %ather had had his o(n Ee)il, and his (as muh (orse. is hadrept

around in the night in searh o% small hildren, and (ith -oo6e on his -reath, he ripped innoene

%rom them, muh s(i%ter and meaner than * an imagine. My %ather had stood up to his monster, and

-ore the -runt o% its assault, in order to sa)e the rest o% his lan.

What * learned that night doesnt hange (hat he did0 it doesnt mean it (as any less pain%ul. But

e)en though it isnt an e7use, * thin+ it (as the reason.


11/24

Tag, youre it.

* an still remem-er the %irst day * notied it0 * (as getting out o% the sho(er and (as drying o%%

(hen there (as a sharp pain on my assli+e * (as -eing sta--ed (ith a needle. A%ter the initial

sho+ and in)oluntary t(o1step, * reahed do(n -et(een my legspast my normal destination

(hen * am reahing into my nether region. ui+ly past the ne7t e7it and all the homopho-i

unease it unleashed as * ruised -y. A sharp right, and my hand %ound the soure o% the pain. A s+in

tag-ut dont -e %ooled -y any preonei)ed notions or prior e7perienes you may ha)e had (ith a

little lump o% s+in you %ound under your arm or in the roo+ o% your ne+. This (as a monster,

grand on a sale that (ould ha)e a(ed the anient masons as they -uilt their athedrals.

*t must ha)e started gro(ing (hen * (as in prison, -ut it didnt really ome to my attention until

a%ter my release. * had notied, on a %e( oasions (hen * (as sitting do(n 5ust so and slid my ass

do(n to get a little more om%orta-le, there (ould -e a sharp pain, -ut in all honesty, * ne)er really

put it together until (ell a%ter * diso)ered the small parasiti t(in linging %rom the hee+ o% my

ass. When, a %e( days later, * slid do(n 5ust so, and * %elt the little de)il get pinned -et(een said ass

hee+ and the ushion o% the ouh * (as sitting on. As * slipped mysel% do(n into a more

om%orta-le position, my un(elome o%%spring rolled slightly, %ollo(ed -y a moment in (hih it

%elt li+e * (as going to tear it right o%% the ne+ it (as protruding %rom. The resulting -olt o%

lightning darted to the trapdoor, -e%ore harging do(n the -a+ o% my leg a%ter %inding that lo+edtight. *n that moment, * +ne( the soure o% my pain, and * remem-ered all the other times this )ery

thing had happened and * had thought it (as a pin in the ushion or something in my pants po+et.

*% * had paid a little more attention, may-e * ould ha)e diso)ered the sto(a(ay -e%ore he had

gro(n to suh proportions.

When my %inger %irst touhed the mass o% s+in gro(ing in the )alley 5ust -elo( my right ass hee+,

it s(ung a(ay as i% it (ere a toy dangling %rom a string and my %inger (as a +itten de%tly atta+ing

it. * really dont +no( ho( * ne)er tangled (ith it as * (as (iping a(ay yesterdays dinner. * an

only assume that it had eyes and s+ill%ully dodged my hand as * reahed into the a-yss. When it

%inally stopped -ouning around, * used the tips o% my %ingers to ta+e hold o% it and get an idea o%

(hat it (as * (as dealing (ith0 * am not ashamed to say * rethed a little as the true nature o% the

-east -eame lear. *t (as almost three inhes around at its (idest point and t(o inhes thi+. The

piee o% s+in it (as dangling %rom (as as -ig around as a dime and 5ust long enough to +eep it

%loating %ree %orm, (ithout touhing any other part o% my ass or leg. * tried my -est to get a good

loo+ at it, -ut my tippy1toes 5ust (ouldnt get the height * re8uired to see it in the -athroom mirror.

*t (as so%t to the touhthe te7ture o% a rotted appleand lumpy0 it %elt li+e a (ee little -rain

gro(ing %rom my ass, omplete (ith gyri and suli, hun+ed and t(isted together.

* (as appalled0 ho( ould this happen o( ould something so -ig -e gro(ing %rom me, and * not+no( it Where (as 'od Serling, ome to open the sho( -e%ore this -east (ithdre( its tentale and

started %easting on my testiles -e%ore surrying o%% to %ind another )itim


12/24

* tried to ignore it0 * ga)e it a (ide -erth and (ent on a-out my -usiness. * ne)er really managed to

erase it %rom my mind, -ut sueeded in a little seleti)e amnesia, most days. The (ords: tumor,:

and 9malignant: %lashed on the sign it held (hen * did thin+ o% it. * (as a%raid to +no( (hat it (as,

or (here it had ome %rom. ealth insurane and * ha)e ne)er atually met, -ut * ha)e heard o% it

and -elie)e it is a real entity. That, om-ined (ith a onsistently lo( total in the a)aila-le %unds line

o% my %inanial statements, +ept me %rom going to the ospital. *% * am not -leedingsome(hatpro%uselyor linging to any o% my lim-s trying to +eep them %rom %alling o%%, * dont usually see a

dotor. The &mergeny 'oom is the e7tent o% my mediinal options, and this didnt seem as though

it (arranted that type o% attention. * dont +no( i% * thought it (ould get -ored and mo)e on to

someone that sa( a little more hori6ontal ation than *, or i% * (as hoping it (ould 5ust %all o%%,

ha)ing met its predetermined (eight and si6e ap, -ut * intended to let it run its ourse %or as long

as * ould.

The rate at (hih this thing gre( (as, simply put, un-elie)a-le, -ut * aepted it as one o% the gang

and (ent on my (ay. * allo(ed it to gro( there %or another t(o years, (hih in hindsight seems li+e

an e7tended amount o% time, -ut (hat an * say The %re8ueny o% the times * (ould almost tear it

o%% sliding my la6y ass aross a hair -eame so ommon that * too+ to li%ting my legli+e a dog

pissing on the ushion(hene)er * repositioned. There (ere ountless times (hen * (as lying

a-out on my -ed (athing tele)ision in my -o7er1-rie%s only to reali6e that * had my hand in my

dra(ers playing (ith the mound gro(ing there. * (ould sma+ it to and %rom li+e a punh -alloon.

T(ist it until it started to hurt slightly and let it go, allo(ing it to spin -a+ into its natural position.

* (ould s8uee6e it gently, or tug at it until the area it lung to -eame sore and agitated.

*t gre( and gre(, -eoming almost %our inhes in diameter in suh a short period o% time that * (as

-eginning to (orry. * ould %eel it dangling %rom its perh (hen * (al+ed li+e it (as +no+ing onthe po+et o% my 5eans, -egging %or %resh air. Anytime * did manage to lie, steal, heat, or +ill some

poor girls panties o%%, and * (as in the proess o% on)ining her that se7 (ith me (as a -ad idea, *

(ould %eel the (eight o% a small dog rhythmially tap, tap, tapping on my leg. *t (as -eoming

harder to ignore0 the smallor smallerpiee o% s+in that the tag itsel% (as hanging %rom started to

get sore sometimes. Apparently the (eight o% the gra)itational pull o% the &arth (as too muh %or

the ass monsters little arm to arry it all -y itsel% all the time.

Gro(ing more and more onerned (ith the state o% the parasite attahed to me, * deided to get a

seond opinion. * had -een dating a girl %or a %e( months and as+ed her to ta+e a pee+ and tell me

(hat her prognosis might -e.

9* dont e)en (ant to loo+ at that thing.:

9$mon:, * said, turning around, na+ed as a three dollar prostitute at a Super Bo(l party, 9* cantdo

it.:

The sound o% her s8ueal as the shado( %rom the lamp must ha)e %allen %rom the %ae o% my other

hal% ould ha)e stopped a harging -ear. 9No, get that thing a(ay %rom me.:

* literally tu+ed it -et(een my legs and (ent to the -athroom more than a little de5eted. * deided

to ta+e my ase to Google. That is(here the ans(ers li)e, a%ter all. * did some researh, ande)erything * read pretty muh agreed on all points -ut one4 s+in tags are, -y all aounts, not

supposed to -e that -ig. The rest o% the pages all said a-out the same thing. There are three ommon


13/24

(ays to remo)e these un(anted menaes. All o% (hih ould -e done -y a dotor, or i% you (anted

to sa)e the ash and do it yoursel%, you ould per%orm any o% them at home.

The %irst o% the remedies (as %ree6ing, (hih is -etter per%ormed -y a dotor. But the thought o% a

dotor so lose to all o% my most important parts* mean lets %ae it, * ould ha)e easily learned to

li)e (ithout a leg, -ut %ree6e my porthole shut and * am in %or a (hole other +ind o% pro-lem

made me ringe more than a little. * +no( theyre pro%essionals, * +no( that i% they (ere to astrate

me (ith li8uid nitrogen, or (hate)er they use to remo)e un(anted ass meteors, * (ould ha)e a

pretty serious ase o% malpratie, -ut all the money in the (orld (asnt going to ma+e me %eel

-etter (hen my penis (as dry hea)ing during the moment o% truth. Er. Sholls sells a an o% some

sort o% (art remo)ing %ree6ing somethingorother, and * (ould %eel -etter doing it mysel%i% * ould

see (hat * (as doing, that (as. On most o% the things * read though, a dotor (ouldnt %ree6e it o%%

as a %irst option any(ay, and it (as e7pensi)e.

The seond o% my options (as (hat Google suggested to -e the 8ui+est and easiest option, and the

one that most dotors (ould atually do i% * did see+ pro%essional help. The (ise old men that are inharge o% ma+ing sure all in%ormation on the internet is %atual and honest suggested that a ra6or

and a 8ui+ s(ipe (ould remo)e my dangling demon (ith an ease unmathed -y all the other

options. Most o% the people that reported this option as the one that they had done themsel)es, or

had -een done -y their dotor, said that this (or+ed (ell -ut there (ould -e searing paina pain

a+in to (hat a lit igarette -eing mashed into ones eye might ause. * 8ui+ly mo)ed onto the ne7t

option (ithout loo+ing -a+.

The third option appealed to me %rom the -eginning o% its %irst paragraph. This option entailed tying

a piee o% string around the -ase o% the intruder (ith the goal o% utting o% its -lood %lo(. The

artiles * read all said the same thing4 i% the -lood supply is remo)ed %rom the demons egg, it (ill

e)entually 5ust %all o%%. A myriad o% 8uestions ran through my head as * read the artiles, 8uestions

that ouldnt -e ans(ered e7atly. Things li+e, (hat (ould happen i% my tag %ell o%% (hile * (as in

pu-li and it dropped to the %loor ha)ing slid do(n my pant leg o( ould * possi-ly e7plain to an

innoent old lady at the -an+ that the small -rain that 5ust %ell out o% my pants (as, in %at, 5ust an

ass tumor * also ouldnt %ind a site that (ould gi)e me any +ind o% estimate o% ho( long * ould

e7pet my sto(a(ay to remain -e%ore %inally %alling o%%. * pushed my 8uestions aside and deided,

o% all my hoies, this seemed to -e the one that (ould %it my uni8ue irumstane0 * mean, * ould

tie a string around it (ithout help, and there (as no mention o% any ill side e%%ets at all. Win1(in, i%

you as+ed me.

* deided not to rush into anything and gi)e mysel% some time to mull it o)er -e%ore rushing into

anything. * ertainly didnt (ant to ma+e any rash deisions this late in the game. * had (aited this

long0 a %e( more days (ouldnt hurt anyone.

Only a ouple days later, * (as (al+ing to the -athroom a%ter 5ust ha)ing se7 (ith my girl%riend

(hen she said, 9&eeeeeeeeeeee(((((((((((((((, that thing on your ass is so gross/ * ant

-elie)e * e)en let you touh me (ith that thing dangling there.:

9et me touh you Desus, you ant %eel it -angin against your -a+door (hen * %u+ you * ould

ha)e s(orn you (ere aressing it earlier.:

9Gross/:


14/24

9You +no( you (ere.: * said. * had stopped (al+ing (hen she had started tal+ing and ga)e my ass a

little sha+e, smiling to mysel% as 9il Dason: 5ostled a-out li+e a tether -all and aused her to reth

loudly.

?othing else (as said, -ut she didnt ha)e to0 the seed had -een planted, and * +ne( she (as only

hal% +idding0 * (ould either ha)e to get rid o% my -utt -rain or (ould soon need some lotion and

yesterdays so+ to satis%y my li-ido.

* (ent home and re1re)ie(ed my internet dotors ad)ie a-out home remedies. * read e)erything *

ould %ind, and again ame to the same onlusion * had the %irst time4 tie a string around it and

ross my %ingers, and so that is (hat * did. * got a piee o% dental %loss %rom the -athroom, and

dropping my dra(ers to the %loor, put my %oot up on my des+ hair. * looped the string through itsel%

and (rapped the resulting irle around the lump dangling in the (ind li+e a anni-als diso1-all. *

pulled the %loss tight around the -ranh that onneted it to my ass and then looped the %loss through

itsel% one last time, pulling this one as tight as * ould. There (as no pain, although * ould %eel a

slight tug (hen * (al+ed, -ut * %igured i% it (as going to e7orise the demon %rom my ass, a littledisom%ort ould -e tolerated. * le%t the le%to)er %loss dangling do(n the -a+ o% my leg, in ase *

needed to %ind it, %or one reason or another, later and %orgot a-out it.

*t (as three days later that * notied that (hen * (as dri)ing in my tru+, it hurt slightly to sit on the

tag. * tried to gi)e it as muh o% a lean as * ould om%orta-ly, -ut a person an only sit on one side

o% their ass %or so long. As the ne7t ouple o% days passed, the disom%ort (as gro(ing in

measura-le leaps %rom one day to the ne7t, until %inally, on the %i%th day, the disom%ort had gro(n

to pain and seemed to -e getting (orse -y the hour.

* (as at my girl%riends house (hen it rossed the threshold and -eame almost un-eara-le. *(al+ed into the li)ing room (here she (as (or+ing on some home(or+.

9* need you to do me a %a)or,: * said in my C*1dont1%eel1good1so1you1must1ta+e1are1o%1me )oie.

She loo+ed up %rom her -oo+ (ithout saying a (ord, -ut raised her eye-ro(s, learly stating that *

(as -othering her and needed to hurry the %u+ up. 9* need you to loo+ at this thing on my ass. * tied

a string ar@:

9What ?o.:

9$ome on, man, you +no( * (ouldnt as+ i% * didnt really need you to do this.:

9Why: She as+ed still not on)ined and (earing the 9%u+ no: smir+ on her %ae that * +ne( so

(ell.

9* tied a string around it the other day -eause * read on the internet that it (ould %all o%% i% * did, -ut

it hurts so goddamned -ad right no(, * an hardly (al+ straight,: * said in a %lash -e%ore she ould

interrupt and not at least hear the part a-out it hurting un-eara-ly.

9*m sorry, that thing is %u+ing nasty, and * am nottouhing it, no (ay.:

9'eally, you ant help me out this one %u+in time: * said, ating more -etrayed than * really %elt0

* had +no(n she (as going to say no -e%ore * had e)en as+ed her, -ut had allo(ed mysel% to hope.She (as my girl%riend, a%ter all, and (ho the hell else (as * supposed to as+

9* dont +no( (hat to tell you, * aint touhin that nasty@:


15/24

9* didnt as+ you to touh it. * as+ed you to@:

9* dont gi)e a shit0 * aint loo+in at it either. * ha)e to see that nasty %u+er enough as it is, and it

%u+in almost ma+es me si+ %rom aross the %u+in room. ?O/:

9Fine, *ll handle it all -y mysel%.:

9* +no( you (ill.:

9* gotta go. * need to go home -e%ore * really ant (al+.: This (as not an e7aggeration0 the pain

shooting up the hee+ o% my ass (as -eoming something other1(orldly. There (as a ontinuous

thro--ing pain that had moments o% pure genius that (ould send %ire shooting out %rom its ape7 in

all diretions. The ride home (as going to -e something o% a tri+ sine * li)ed t(enty1%i)e minutes

a(ay and didnt thin+ * ould sit on that side o% my ass.

* managed -etter than * e7peted * (ould, dri)ing home (ith all my (eight resting unom%orta-ly

on my le%t ass hee+. There (ere still moments (hen * (ould not -e paying lose enough attention

and let my (eight shi%t to the other side. The pain (ould shoot through me, ausing my %oot topress do(n on the gas pedal. * (as raingin)oluntarilyhome0 (hy, at this point, * didnt go to

the hospital that (as 5ust minutes a(ay %rom my girl%riends house, * (ill ne)er +no(. The minutes

strethed to impossi-le lengths as * made that dri)e, eah seemingly longer than the one -e%ore it. *

had )isions o% my ass monster strangling0 little eyes -ulging out past its peah1%u66 eyelashes.

Turning -lue as a tiny s+in tone tongue hung %rom its open mouth. * sa( it trying to pry miniature

%ingers -ehind the %loss that (as +eeping the )ital -lood %rom entering its -rain1shaped -ody. This

had to -e its %inal death thro(s, had to -e.

When * %inally pulled into the dri)e(ay o% the house * shared (ith my -rother and a %riend o% ours, *

ould hardly (al+. * ho--led into the house (ith my right %oot on tiptoe and my -a+ arhed

-a+(ard, trying to +eep my little hithhi+er %rom mo)ing at all. &)ery time it -umped against my

leg, or the inside o% my pant leg, the pain (ould detonate and send (hip1ra+s o% anguish shooting

through me.

&)ery step aused me to urse, may-e a 9Mother%u+er/: (ith the %irst, and a, 9O(, Shit/:(ith the

seond. The (ords (ere uttered as a means to relie)e the pain, -ut they (erent (or+ing, and they

got louder and louder as * (al+ed into the li)ing room, headed to my -edroom -eyond.

My -rother (as sitting on the ouh, (athing TH, and as * lurhed past, loo+ing li+e the (orst

Big%oot impersonator he had e)er seen, he loo+ed up and as+ed, 9What the hell is (rong (ith you:

9This thing on my ass, it is +illing me.:

9hingon your ass:

9Yeah, its %u+ed up too. *ll -e out in a minute.:

* (al+ed into my -edroom and shut the door0 * (ent to my omputer and re1read e)erything * ould

%ind a-out the option * had hosen. ?o(here (as there any mention o% pain. There (as no telling i%

this (as going to -e o)er soon, or i% it (ere 5ust -eginning. * (al+ed into the -athroom that ad5oined

my -edroom and le%t my pants lying on the %loor. * propped my %oot up on the toilet and reahedaround to try to %ind the %loss. * had an idea that i% * ould get it o%%, it (ould stop hurting (ith the

rush o% -lood that it needed.


16/24

As my %ingers %ound the piee o% string * had le%t dangling %rom the parasite * (as trying to

eradiate %rom my li%e, it %elt li+e someone had po+ed me in the ass (ith a red hot needle. The tips

o% my %ingers %ollo(ed the %loss up to the spot (here it (as tied to the throat o% my intruder. *

endured eah -olt o% agony that shot through me as * tried to %ind the +not, -ut it (as tied too tight. *

ouldnt e)en %eel the piee o% %loss (here it (as tied0 * had %i7ed it so tight that there (as a tiny

groo)e (here it (as utting into the %lesh o% the -rain gro(ing %rom the post o% s+in on my ass.

* deided there (as only one thing to do. This thing had to end, right then. * pulled my under(ear

up and (al+ed into the li)ing room. * loo+ed at my -rother and said, 9You ha)e to help me. There is

no one else * an as+, and this thing is +illing me.:

e loo+ed at me %or a seond0 * ould see the 8uestion hanging in the air -et(een us. * told him

e)erything, a-out the thing * had diso)ered there, and ho( it (as getting so -ig that * %inally

deided to do something a-out it0 a-out ho( * had read a-out the string idea on the internet. * told

him that * had tied it there a %e( days -e%ore, * told him a-out the pain, and that * didnt thin+ *

ould ta+e it any longer.

* (as s(eating as * told him (hat (as going on and ho( * needed his help0 (hen * (as %inally done

telling him e)erything, he loo+ed up at me and as+ed, 9O+ay, um, (hat do you (ant meto do a-out

it:

9*% * get in the tu- and pull do(n on it, * (ant you to ta+e a ra6or +ni%e and ut it o%%.:

9Wait, (hat: * ould see in his eyes that the idea o% lopping o%% any part o% me (asnt in his plans

%or the e)ening, -ut * ouldnt ta+e no %or an ans(er.

9* dont ha)e any hoies le%t. * need your help, youre my last option. Will you do it:

9* guess.: e still didnt sound on)ined, -ut it (as too late no(. * had gotten him to agree to do it,

and * (ouldnt let him -a+ do(n no(.

* told him to go get the -rea+1a(ay +ni%e %rom the dash o% my tru+. ittle more than an orange

piee o% plasti that holds a %i)e inh ra6or -lade, the -lade itsel% omes e8uipped (ith groo)es in it

a-out e)ery 8uarter inh so (hen the tip gets dull you an snap o%% the end and get a ne( sharp

edge. We use them to ut plasti and paper (hen (e are prepping a house %or spray painting. ong

and sharp, it (as the -est tool * ould imagine %or the 5o- * needed it %or.

When he ame -a+ (ith the +ni%e, * stepped into the tu- and pulled my under(ear up past themonster linging there, -ut not so high that my -rother (ould ha)e to stare my -alls in the eye as he

did me this tremendous %a)or. e got do(n on his +nees on the %loor, and * turned enough so he

ould see (hat he (as doing, and as * (athed, he ringed a(ay %rom the thing that he sa( there. *

dont +no( i% it reahed %or him and tried to gra- him, or i% the loo+ in its eyes (as enough to sare

him, -ut he -eame pale as he stared it in the %ae.

9What the %u+, dude Why the hell didnt you go to the hospital:

* reahed do(n and gra--ed the tiny -rain in my %ingertips, pulling it do(n as %ar as * ould (ithout

de-ilitating pain and said, 9$an (e tal+ a-out this a%ter *% its o+ay (ith you, *d li+e to get thiso)er (ith.:

9O+ay, right, sorry. But that thing is %u+in gnarly.:


17/24

e leaned %or(ard a little, and as he reahed to(ard my ass, * turned my head so * (ouldnt -e a-le

to antiipate the atual sliing o% my %lesh and 5ump, ausing an e)en -igger pro-lem, li+e

aidental astration to name one thing that * imagined.

9You ready: he as+ed.

9Dust do it.:

* held my -reath as * (aited. Then he did it, %ast and smooth. *n one 8ui+ motion, * (as separated

%rom my un-orn o%%spring.

As the -lade slied through the ne+ o% my littlest ho-o, * ould %eel the s+in opening li+e a seam in

the -ottom o% an o)er1%illed shopping -ag. *t (as o)er in a %lash0 one seond * (as tugging on my

ass -rain, and in the ne7t * (as holding it in the palm o% my hand. The dental %loss still (rapped

around the nu- that had +ept it attahed to me %or so long. * heard a pattering in the tu- and loo+ed

do(n to see three or %our 8uarter si6ed drips o% my -lood settling there.

As * stood there, holding the lump o% so%t pin+ %lesh that had 5ust -een lopped %rom my ass, * didnt+no( it (ould ta+e hours to stop the %lo( o% -lood that ame %rom the hole that (as le%t in the (a+e

o% my impromptu surgery. * (ould try li8uid -andage, and e)entually, a (ad o% gau6e0 * ruined a

pair o% under(ear and stained the seat o% my des+ hair. * %elt the sting o% soap (hen * sho(ered %or

a %e( days, -ut * (as %ree.

* stood there thin+ing a-out all the times * had %elt it -anging on my leg as * had se7, or the times *

aidentally sat on this little de)il. * thought a-out all the pain * had endured trying to ignore the

meat -ag in my pants. My -rother (athed me intently0 * imagine he (as (aiting %or some (ords o%

relie% or a nod o% gratitude, -ut as * stood there (ith my -lood dripping into the sho(er * loo+ed at

him and as+ed the only thing * ould thin+ to say.

9Wanna %eed it to the at:


18/24

Bouteille la mer

* spent ages desperate to %ree the man * had lo+ed deep inside mysel%0 (andering through the (orld

in a state o% stasis. * stopped -elie)ing * (as e)er going to -e anything -ut an addit0 anything -ut a

on)it, or a drun+ 5ust li+e the old man. *t -eame easier to on)ine mysel% that death (as -etter

than putting mysel% out there again. Gently slipping a noose around my ne+ and stepping into the

)oid -elo( (as someho( easier than gro(ing old alone and a%raid.

* dreamt o% the (ays * (ould go4 * stepped %rom many a roo%top, tasted oil as * rested the -arrel o% a

gun on the roo% o% my mouth0 * 5umped %rom -ridges, -uilt homemade guns that %ired 2I gauge

shells and ould send -rains into or-it. * stepped into tra%%i, and dro)e into (alls0 * intentionallyo)erdosed on heroin, * su%%oated (ith my head in a plasti -ag, and * opened my throat (ith a

ra6or +ni%e.

* died again and again, o)er and o)er until one day * sat do(n and (rote a-out it. * told my story, i%

only to mysel%, and in doing so * had to ans(er some hard 8uestions. You ant tell a story a-out

death and suiide (ithout opening up to the reasons (hy0 it isnt enough to say * (ant to die, you

ha)e to -e a-le to say, 9* (ant to die -eause@,: and in that -eause * learned some things a-out

mysel%, -ut the (ords are gone no(.

This is a message in a -ottle0 set adri%t %rom an island in (hih * am stranded. * (ander the shoressearhing %or (ords0 a (ord, any (ord. *t (ould seem the entire le7is o% the &nglish language has

managed to %ade %rom my mind and lea)e me here to %ae the (orld mute and unarmed. * sit staring

at this ursor (ondering i% * (ill e)er (rite another (ord0 i% * an -reathe (ithout +no(ing the ne7t

story, or nightmare. * (onder i% * an ontinue to lim- %rom under the shelter o% my -lan+et

(ithout a tale looping around inside my head.

When * ha)e a story (riting itsel% -ehind the (alls o% my s+ull * dont e)en notie the (orld going

on around me0 * (al+ around on auto1pilot, per%orming my days tas+s (ith little real thought. * am

a(are o% the (orld and ne)er let on to anyone that * enounter that * ha)e the (orld set to %orty

perent transpareny. * am in my story, (ea)ing the (ords together as * ma+e my (ay through the

day.

But no(, here, on this island, the stories ha)e all dried up, the (ords ha)e (ilted a(ay and turned

rotten. They spoil and turn sour e)en -e%ore * an plu+ them %rom the air. &)en as * sit here no(,

desperately trying to ti+le the +eys 5ust enough to send this message o%%, * %eel the struggle. The

(ords no longer ease themsel)es %rom my %ingers li+e lost lo)ers in a gentle em-rae.

* (ill send this letter o%% in its -ottle and hope %or resue. * (ill (ander in searh o% the (ords that *

need, anything to spur the %lo( again and allo( the pressure to su-side. * (ill (ait to see i% they (ill

ome -o--ing -a+ in a -ottle o% their o(n to protet the %rightened little -oy that (as 5ust

-eginning to pee+ %rom (ithin.


19/24


20/24

!ords On "our S#reen

* open this program (ith no real idea (hat * (ant to say, (hat * haveto say, i% anything. As * do so

these (alls mo+ me, they laugh and sneer at my struggle. They +no( too (ell that * ha)ent -een

mysel% lately0 that the (ords ha)e (ithered on the )ine. Spoiled and rotten, they %all at my %eet and

-urst, splattering into little piles o% (asted potential.

Eont allo( me to mislead you0 * am still the sullen shado( o% the man * sometimes see in the

mirror. * am still (al+ing through my days under a dar+ loud, still greet eah morning (ith the

same malignant dread0 * still hear the (hispers o% my su-onsious reminding me that * (ill ne)er

amount to anything, that * (ill ne)er -e more than not good enough.

* ha)e learned to hip a(ay at the )ault * hide in using the (ords that %lit a-out my mind as *

struggle to appear normal, as * %ight, in desperation, to -reathe. * ha)e nothing to say, ora little

loser to the truth* ha)e no one le%t to say it to.

My (ords ha)e al(ays -een mine, they are a diret re%letion o% the man * am, -ut until no( there

has -een someone in my minds eye as * (rote them. * told my stories and laid -are the s+eletons *

ha)e hidden deep (ithin mysel%, all the (hile tal+ing to a (oman.

* allo(ed my imagination to run a(ay (ith her, to lo+ my %ingers in hers and dane the pain a(ay0

* dreamt o% a li%e in (hih the loneliness (as le%t holding its hat (aiting %or me to ome ra(ling

-a+ to its rippling em-rae. For the %irst time in years there (as hope in my heart, it had -eauti%ul

-ro(n eyes and a smile that still stops my -reath.

There are moments in li%e, moments (hen you an see (here you (ant to -e, as i% standing a-o)e

the rest o% your li%e. These moments ome (ith a larity that is unmathed -y any E tele)ision or

%reshly (ashed (indo(, and my moment (as no di%%erent. She made me laugh, made me thin+0 *

imagined her %ingers gently traing the lines o% my %ae, the (eight o% her -reath on my ne+. *n a

%e( short days she had gi)en me a something to loo+ %or(ard to, and * ouldnt remem-er the last

time * ould say that.* ould %ill a li-rary (ith the dreams * ha)e had o% her4 a gentle touh, %eeling %i%teen under her

play%ul ga6e, (his+eys and -eers, sun and sand. &)ery day (ould -e large and (onder%ul. * ould

tell these stories o% lo)e, o% a -ro+en man and the -eauti%ul (oman that ga)e him a reason to smile0

these tales (ould -e %ull o% laughter and romane. They (ould ause you to smile and ry0 you

(ould see us daning in your mind as you heard me (hispering in her ear.

These stories hanged my li%e and * (ill ne)er %orget them, -ut they are %ition and %antasy0 * made

them all up and no( she li)es in a piture %rame on my nightstand. We (ont e)er -e together and

her desires are thousands o% miles a(ay %rom this little room and my desperate ti+ing on these

+eys. * +no( these stories ha)e li)ed in her heart as muh as they ha)e li)ed in mine -ut they are

still 5ust dreams, and dreams dont ome true. There (ill ne)er -e enough lo)e letters or suiide


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notes0 * an ne)er (rite that per%et sentene that (ill ma+e her hange (hat is in her heart.

&)ery story * ha)e told, e)ery (ord * ha)e shared, all o% them (ere (ritten to her0 they (ere my

lo)e song. They (ere me spelled out letter %or letter, it (as me poured onto the page li+e tea %rom a

+ettle. ?o(, as * ling to this -lan+et o% loneliness and (hisper to mysel% the (ords * imagine (ill

%inally ma+e her lo)e me enough, * ant pretend shes listening anymore. * +no( she reads these

(ords, and * +no( (hat they mean to her, -ut they dont (or+. * ha)e spilled mysel% all o)er these

pages and theres a part o% me that +eeps saying * should du+ -a+ into the )ault (hile its still

standing0 the part that +no(s my potential, and doesnt pretend to ha)e talent or anything (orth

saying.

* am struggling to %ind a )oie e)en as e)erything in me is telling me that no-ody is listening. My

heart is in these (ords, it al(ays has -een0 this is me staring -a+ at you through your sreen.

isten to my )oie, hear my (ords0 i% you try hard enough * +no( youll hear them, (hispered right

-eside you4 She (as my reason.


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$S#intilla day % & The 'reeping

You)e seen them, all o% you ha)e0 the man in the par+ (ith dar+ -ro(n niotine stains marring

eah o% his %ingers. Wide eyed, pants soa+ed in piss and -lood0 he sreams the lyris to an old Willie

?elson song (hile tearing little lumps o% hair %rom his head and eating them -e%ore hasing a %eral

at. A (oman on the orner aught in a %antasy in (hih her neigh-or snea+s into her room at night

and steals her -lood to -e sold at the thri%t store do(n the street. She stin+s o% death and rotten

dreams (hile li%ting her s+irt to re)eal her na+ed snath to the ru--erne+ing passers-y that slo( to

(itness her tragedy. She (hispers, 9*m a priness, youre supposed to lo)e me.:

They (ear sel% in%lited sars li+e road maps to their insanity. Mutter (ords under their -reath to the

ro(d o% people that li)e in their psyhe. They sream o% rape and misogyny, plu+ o+roahes

%rom under their s+in and toss them into their mouth (ithout a seond thought0 they (al+ the streets

(ith no real destination, pushing e)er on(ard nonetheless.

These are my people, my %amily0 as * lie a(a+e at night and struggle to +eep %rom opening my ne+

(ith the -eauti%ul ra6or that (hispers my name in the -a+ o% my mind and %eel the (orlds

indi%%erene ti+ling my hin, * (onder (hen they (ill ome %or me. The men in (hite oats, the

dotors in their orduroy pants and reading glasses pushed high on their -ald sloping %orehead0 the

om%orta-le shoes, the -u+ets o% pills, a paper up hal% %ull o% (arm (ater to (ash a(ay the misery

and pain, the %eigned sympathy, (hispered enouragement.

They (ill all ome, and they (ill -ring (ith them a he%ty prie tag. They (ill -ring shu%%ling %eet,

and a da- o% drool that slips %rom -et(een my lips as * try to as+ (hat day it is, they (ill -ring

eletriity that shoots %rom their %ingers to ma+e me (hole again, and a little omputer hip to put

in my -rain that (ill turn me -a+ into the ro-ot * (as -orn to -e.


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Mar#h o( the )pilogue

* hear it e)en no(, o)er the ti+1ti+1ta+ o% the +eys, as * mum-le these (ords to you. The sil+y

serenade o% madness (hispering in the (alls0 * hear my name as it -e+ons me, stro+ing my ego

and %ellating my paranoia. My mind is gently led to -ed -y the on%idant hand o% lunay0 tender

+isses and so%t urgings ha)e (ooed me into her arms.

The sho(er, a %orgotten %riend, stands dry in the orner as my %i)e olo+ shado( turns to se)en

day stu--le and reeps aross my %ae. * srath and * dig as my imagination surries up and do(n

my arms and legs, ni--ling my %lesh and hanting her name0 al(ays hal% a step %aster than my

%ingernails, it tiptoes a(ay as * pi+1pi+1pi+ at its ghost.

There are se)en Sundays in e)ery hour -ut the minutes 6ip -y li+e -la+ %lies hasing the turd tru+0

days ome and go li+e o%%ended %riends as the niotine stains inh along my %ingers. * lose my eyes

and (ath my tiptoes tango aross the edge o% my des+ as * slip a rope around my ne+, and e)en as

* sha+e my head and -eg %or mery, * annot turn a(ay. * (ait %or the %inish, the end o% the tale0 *

(ath (ith (ide1eyed %asination as the dane mo)es loser to my demise, holding my -reath so *

an hear the snap.

* ha)e settled into my tormented mind and -egun to ra)e the so%t +isses o% madness, my seret

hides -ehind e)ery smile as * %ight the tears that the loneliness ra)es. =aranoia and psyhosis

(hisper my name in the dead o% night, * allo( them to hold me lose and all me lo)er0 * dri%t tosleep in the arms o% mania and (ait %or the %inal at to play itsel% out. * (ill (ait %or the end (ith

lenhed teeth and -loodshot eyes, tattered %ingernails, and desperate antiipation.


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*andom Fa#ts Fat4 Tornadoes are named a%ter a (ord in the Bi-le/

Fat4 $himpan6ees run in terror %rom the +no(ing glare o% a midgets o%%spring.

Fat4 Boones Farm (as %irst -ottled -y homeless mon+s. Fat4 The term 9ung Dury: originated in an 2J2K pornographi %ilm.

Fat4 The 9F: in Dohn F. Lennedy stood %or Fany =ants.

Fat4 There (as one a %ilm adaptation o% the tele)ision sho( Good Times in (hih the part

o% D.D. &)ans (as to -e played -y Gil-ert Gott%ried.

Fat4 =eople %rom Florida Floridians. =eople %rom $ali%ornia $ali%ornians. =eople %rom

Maine Mainers. =eople %rom Te7as Me7ian.

Love Letter and Suicide Notes

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