Love in Later Life: Myths and Realities

Michael Stones

Professor of Psychology

Lakehead University

(PEI October 17, 2014)

Lee and Michael Stones in their

book Sex May Be Wasted on the

Young (1996, 2004) pointed out that

older people considered their

sexuality to be:

(1)A taboo topic they were reluctant

to discuss because of fear that

personal disclosure would elicit

disapproval and disgust from

younger people;

(2)Something real, ongoing, and

important in their lives, despite

being something taboo.

Love in Later Life

That was the past. What I’ll talk

about today is the mingling of

sexuality, love and happiness, with

a stress on love.

In young couples, we readily

accept the importance of sexuality

to a loving relationship that makes

them happy. Is the same true for

older couples?

What little we know about

romantic love in older people comes

Dear Blabby columns advising

lonely old people in new affairs to

keep the heat down (“Cool it,

honey!”) or pictures of sweet gold

weddings couples in formal poses.

Yeah (yawn) right. But are Grandma

and Grandpa still passionate about

each other? Now that’s a question

worth answering. Hotly in love or just

best friends? What do scholars have

to say about love?

Robert Kastenbaum raised this

issue 40 years ago: “Loving is about

more than the counts of sexual

interest and activities … We have

incomplete knowledge unless we

know something about love.”

My graduate student Katie

Lemmerty reviewed research on

later life love since that time. She

found only 4 studies! Why so few?

Are gerontologists blind to love? Is

later life love a taboo topic even

now?

Having questions but no good

answers, we did an exploratory

study. For that, we had to define

love and its properties.

Dictionaries define Romantic

Love as strong and constant

affection linked to attraction and

sexual desire.

Theories and research suggest

three main properties that I’ll refer

to as Shades of Love. I call them

shades because they are separate

but coexist in Romantic Love. They

are:

1)Passionate Love;

2) Companionate Love;

3) Compassionate Love.

Romantic Love

MRI research found that

photographs of a Romantically

Loved partner lit up regions of the

brain associated with reward and

goals. So rather being an emotion

itself, Romantic Love is better

considered a motivation that gives

rise to specific emotions such as

euphoria or anxiety. Such feelings

and passion are integral to an

understanding of love.

Expressions of passion include

yearning for the beloved,

obsessing over that person,

euphoria in his/her presence,

bodily responding to his/her touch,

pleasure from his/her attention.

Passionate Love

Someone passionately loved evokes

in you strong emotions, pervasive

thoughts and a desire for closeness.

But common beliefs about Passionate

Love accord with lyrics from that

famous 15th century folk song, The

Water Is Wide: “When love is old, it

waxes cold and fades away like the

morning dew.”

Not a happy prospect for love in

later life, is it?

On a more optimistic note, those

few research studies on Passionate

Love that included older people did

not find that Passionate Love

inevitably fades away.

Companionate Love

Companionate Love refers to

intimacy, attachment and

commitment. Such friendship and

loyalty elicit “the affection and

tenderness we feel for those with

whom our lives are deeply

entwined.”

Does Passionate Love eventually

morph into Companionate Love, as

commonly believed? Although most

research on Companionate Love was

with young people, even those

findings are conflicting: one study

found that newly-weds had similar

1-year losses in both Passionate and

Companionate Love.

Compassionate Love

Compassion Love includes

awareness of the needs and wants

of your partner and willingness to

put those before one’s own.

Whereas Passionate Love refers to

thoughts and feelings evoked by a

partner, Compassionate Love

includes thoughts and feelings

elicited by your actions taken on

behalf of that partner.

Although we know little about

Compassionate Love in later life,

most studies suggest higher levels

in longer-lasting relationships.

Shades of Love Promote

Happiness

All three Shades of Love bring about

rewards of higher wellbeing. People

high on Companionate Love have

high life satisfaction; those high on

Passionate Love report a surplus of

positive emotions; those high on

Compassionate Love gain in positive

mood from helping their partner,

and have high self-esteem.

However, relationships fail to

endure if the rewards received fail

to balance the pain endured. The

reasons for such pain include

changes in behavior, condition or

life goals by one or both partners.

Our Exploratory Study

We wanted to further knowledge

about later life love by correcting

limitations in previous studies that

likely made the findings

inconsistent.

Specifically, those studies

compared (1) just one or two

Shades of Love, in (2) people of

different ages, or (3) with different

lengths of relationship, but not all

three. Our study remedied these

limitations.

Otherwise, our research

resembled the earlier studies and –

like them – had limitations in

sampling. Because of this, we call

our study ‘exploratory’.

Research Methods

The participants were 274 people

that completed the most useful

measures of Passionate,

Compassionate and

Companionate Love on an

internet portal called Survey

Monkey.

Their ages ranged from 18-74

years (mean = 36 years) with the

majority female (78%). The

lengths of their love relationship

ranged from 1-51 years (mean =

6 years). Most lived with their

partner (60%); most were

unmarried (65%); and almost all

were heterosexual (97%).

Main Findings

I’ll describe here only significant

findings that relate Romantic Love

and its three Shades to age and

length of relationship. Here’s what

we found.

1.Overall, Romantic Love was higher

in longer relationships but lower for

older people in longer relationships.

2.The latter occurred because of

lower Companionate Love for older

couples near their gold wedding

stage. Because enduring mutuality

made their loyalty and attachment a

given, other Shades of Love assumed

greater importance in their love lives.

Main Findings (continued)

Compared to Companionate Love,

Passionate and Compassionate Love

were:

3.Higher at older ages;

4.Lower in longer relationships (i.e.,

without taking account of age);

5.Higher for older people in longer

relationships.

The most important finding is

#5.

What it tells us is that, as people

age and

their relationship lengthens, passion

and

compassion replace commitment

and

loyalty as the most meaningful

shades of

love.

Main Findings (continued)

To illustrate, the chart below

shows that Passionate Love for old

people in long relationships was

higher than for young and middle-

aged people in relationships of any

length. Isn’t that amazing!

Main Findings: Conclusions

Our findings agree with those

from earlier studies that Passionate

Love fades neither at older ages nor

in longer relationships. In fact,

Passionate Love is highest in older

people and, in them, strengthens

more with the passage of time than

in people of any other age.

The same applies to

Compassionate Love but less

dramatically.

In contrast, Companionate Love

is lower in older people and

decreases more in older than

younger people with the passage of

time.

The Glue that Bonds Enduring

Love

The glue that bonds a couple right

through to their golden wedding is

Romantic Love. Although

Companionate Love is an ingredient

that degrades with combination of

age and time, Passionate and

Compassionate Love are both

stronger in older people and

strengthen further with the passage

of time.

Let’s now consider these

ingredients from global and

localized perspectives to figure out

the active agents that make the

glue work.

A Global Perspective

Remember I mentioned that people

high on Passionate and

Compassionate Love were high in

positive emotion, whereas those

high on Companionate Love had

high life satisfaction.

We know from decades of

research that two distinct brain

regions contribute to emotional

experiences. These regions underlie

(1) the pleasant-to-unpleasant

aspect of emotion and (2) the

degree emotional arousal. Well, the

emotions associated with the three

Shades of Love differ on the latter

but not the former.

High Arousal as an Active Agent

Feelings associated with Passionate

and Compassionate Love have high

arousal, whereas those associated

Companionate Love do not.

Therefore, high arousal may be an

active agent in the glue.

A Localized Perspective

Earlier mention of brain imagery

research depicted emotions arising

from Romantic Love as outcomes of

motives toward the attainment of

rewards and goals. Similarly,

philosophers since the time of

Aristotle depicted happiness as an

outcome of motives toward the

attainment of rewards and goals.

The two preceding perspectives

differ only in the kind of outcome:

specific emotions versus global

happiness. Surely, therefore, a

localized perspective on happiness

has relevance to an understanding

of Romantic Love.

Happiness Activating Behaviors

(HABs)

A localized depiction of happiness

emerged from Positive Psychology

over a decade ago. Happiness

Activating Behaviors (HABs) is a

term for ways to promote happiness

through cognitions and actions. For

example, this dog woofs on the

Habs to boost its happiness.

Happiness Activating Behaviors

(HABs)

Just as HABs boost global happiness

(as shown by a long list of validated

HABs), I call that subset that boost

Romantic Love (through intentional

cognitions and actions) Love

Activating Behaviors, which has the

lovely acronym LABs.

Everyone loves LABs.

Love Activating Behaviors

(LABs)

LABs (like Arousal) work as an

active agent in the glue than bonds

couples in Romantic Love. They use

LABs when giving, getting and

keeping the love they have. Not

only humans but even dogs have a

good repertoire of LABs:

Wagging their tails, rushing to

greet you, meeting your gaze with

adoring eyes, performing tricks to

please you, snuggling up when

you’re tired, licking your hands and

face, staying loyal for evermore …

How can you not return their love!

(By the way, it’s dogs I’m talking

about, ladies, not husbands).

LABs in Synch

Romantic Love works best when

both partners have their LABs in

synch.

For example: After seeing the

movie, a retired banker offers to

take his new date home to show

her a $1250 reproduction of a

David Hockney painting. She looks

him directly in the eye, to message

that she knows his game, then

kisses him softly on the mouth.

The both win twice over, thinking

that:

“I’m good at this love game.”

“My new date wants me.”

Their love affair has begun.

LABs Out of Synch

Uggh! Romantic Love plays out

badly if a couple’s LABs are out of

synch:

A 60-year divorcee takes the

man she plans to marry to a get-

together at the 55+ Club. Because

she wants to show off to her

girlfriends – that ‘We’re so so good

together!’ – she’s flirted mildly with

him all day. But he’s cool when they

get there, heads for the poolroom

with the guys. She’s hit with a

doubly whammy:

“Wasn’t I been sexy enough

earlier?”

“Maybe he doesn’t love me after

all.”

I bet he gets hit with quadruple

whammies after they leave for

home.

Gold Medalists in Romantic

Love

If love is a game, gold medalists are

couples together long enough to

celebrate gold weddings – the last

ones standing in the love game.

Here’s what we know and infer

about them:

1.Our findings tell us they are high

in Passionate and Compassionate

Love;

2.We infer they know those LABs

that – for them – activate feelings of

passion and compassion; and

3.They’ve figured out how to keep

those LABs in synch.

They are happy people that live

in a magical mosaic of Romantic

Love.

A Magical Mosaic of Romantic

Love

Secrets about how to inhabit this

magical mosaic are few in number:

• Know your partner;

• Put your partner before yourself;

• Value your passion for that

partner;

• Behave in ways to excite your

partner;

• Synchronize with your partner

what

ever behaviors arouse you both.

Making Romantic Love work

takes daring and reciprocity. Our

gold medalists know that making

love is not just about sex but takes

place endlessly during the most

ordinary activities. For rewards like

that, the costs involved are worth it.

A Magical Mosaic of Romantic

Love

Hints about how to enter and stay

in this magical mosaic include the

following.

1.Know your partner as well as you

know yourself. (Always ask, don’t

assume). That’s what

Companionate Love is about.

2.Learn to decipher subtle cues

when your partner wants to give or

to receive love. Don’t ignore them

but respond positively.

3.Know what turns your partner on

sexually. Push the limits a bit if

boredom creeps into the bedroom.

A Magical Mosaic of Romantic

Love

4.Give loving cues to your partner

not only when you need to but to

prevent your relationship from

going stale.

5.Include cues that your partner has

to decipher. They allow your

partner to show that he/she knows

you well.

6.Know that making love is not just

about sexual acts. You can be

making love when doing just about

anything.

7.Put your partner’s needs before

your own whenever feasible. Make

your partner feel capable and

wanted despite limitations or

adverse conditions.

A Magical Mosaic for Happiness

Believe it or not, the secrets of a

magical mosaic for happiness

parallel those for Romantic Love.

Replace the acronym LABs (Love

Activating Behaviors) by HABs

(Happiness Activating Behaviors),

take a global perspective rather than

one of Romantic Love, and voila! You

now understand how to foster

happiness in your clients. Happier

clients are healthier clients. Again,

happier clients are healthier clients.

The End