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A Guide for Caring Adults

COOPERATIVE EXTENSION SERVICE MICHIGAN STATE UNIVERSITY EXTENSION BULLETIN E-1944 (NEW) APRIL 1986 75¢

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Each family and each person within a family isunique. Past experiences, individual per-sonalities, economic and social standing,and political and religious orientationhave an effect on the way death isviewed. While stages of dealing withgrief and loss have been identified,they should be regarded only as guide-lines in determining an adult response to agrieving or questioning child. Being sensitiveto the individual child, listening, caring, andreplying honestly are essential for both the childand the adult. UNDERSTAND YOUR CHILD.

DANAage 5

Introduction

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Children's understanding of death has been studied by a number of researchers.Stages of understanding have been defined and attached to chronological age. It isimportant to remember that not all children experience these stages as defined. Thecaring adult must attempt to understand the child at the current level of development,regardless of age.

Studies have concluded that children evolve through three stages of understandingdeath.

1. Three to five year-olds see death as a departure or sleeplike statethat is reversible; "forever" is an impossible concept to grasp.

2. Five to nine year-olds are unable to understand the finality of death. Theysee death in the form of the "bogeyman" or skeleton or angel.

3. At nine years of age and older, children begin to see death as part of thelife cylce. All living things are created, grow old, and die.

What is Death?

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Encourage children to talk about feelings and fears. Listen, love, and showunderstanding. It is all right to cry or show emotion. It is important for children toknow that it is possible for them to feel sad or angry without losing control. It helpsthem to understand that it is all right to have feelings and to express them. Assurechildren that you love them!

Explain the cause of death. Children need honest, simple explanations. Theyhave ways of knowing when the truth is not being told. Their fantasies andmisunderstandings are frequently much worse than the truth.

1. Do not say that the person has gone to sleep or is on a trip.

2. Assure the child that she/he had no part in causing the death.

3. Have the child re-explain what you have said so that youknow what was heard.

Observe the child in the months to come. Be attuned to his/her need to talk again.

Answering Children's Questions

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Coping

- Obtain a pet with a relatively short life cycle, for example a goldfish, hamster,gerbil. Read the book, The Tenth Good Thing About Barney. Talk about thestory and what might happen when your pet dies.

AT SCHOOL

Any of the above home activities would be suitable in addition to:

- ~~:~dessays on ::What Death Means To Me", "Why I Loved ", "My

- Write a story about a person who has died.

- Draw a picture of death, what death means to you, or of a person who died.Explain your pictures to each other.

- Explore the seasons of the year. What happens with plants, trees, and someanimals at different times of the year? Plant some seeds in differentcontainers. Watch them grow. What can you say if the new plants die?

- Have fictional books readily available in the classroom library. Make sure thatthe topic of death is touched upon in some of them. Choose one to read tothe class at least once per year. Discuss the story with the class.

- Children cope with feelings and concerns through play. Child Life Specialistshave found it beneficial for hospitalized children to play with dolls and act outthe shot-giving, pill-taking, and other medical procedures which theythemselves endure. Imaginative situations might be provided in similar fashionin connection with funerals. One example of this is the funeral home directorwho provides a special room for children where toy caskets, hearses,figurines, flowers, funeral homes, and cemeteries are available.

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CORIage 9

Children of all ages should be allowed, but not forced, to take part in family ritualssurrounding death. Participation provides children with the opportunity to askquestions, make comments, and act out feelings. Many authorities suggest thatchildren can better understand their inclusion than their exclusion from these familyevents.

Children need to mourn. Adults need to provide the permission for this. It is a healingprocess that helps the child to face and to recover from the loss. The heaiing grief isa gradual process and cannot be rushed. It is met one step at a time. Denial andhostility may be part of the process. A child will absorb and assimilate what he/she isready to accept and pass over the rest. When she/he is ready for more, thequestions will be asked.

Family Rituals

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Age: 10 years

Tim: "Death can be happy and it can be sad. When someone dies you are sadbut if that person goes to Heaven he will be happy. You deny the doctorwhen he tells you somebody you liked just died. You will get angry at thedoctor. You don't want to believe him. Death is sad to the people youleave behind."

Jessica: "I am afraid to die. I am afraid it is going to hurt. That is why I want todie when I am sleeping."

Lisa: "Death could be painful or wonderful, we do not know. It is the end of lifeon earth."

Ashley: "Death is dying and rising."Amy: "Death is confusing."

Age: 11 years

Sharyn: "To me it means losing a relative, losing a friend. It means you can't gowith them anywhere anymore."

Anne: "Just to me it is sort of scary cause you dream about it and it scares youto death that you don't want to die .... I cry when someone I love dies. It isvery sad."

Kim: "Death is a part of life. Death is also a final resting place from all the noise."Chris: "You really shouldn't go around thinking how you are going to die. Instead

live a very good life and be happy. Most of the time when someone dieswe ask God why, why did he let him or her die. Or sometimes we blame iton ourselves when it really wasn't our fault."

Carin: "If you do go to the funeral, you just might feel a lot better. Death issometimes scary, sad, happy, joyful, suffering, peaceful, even wanted.Sometimes people are afraid to die so they pray and pray not to die tilthey are really old."

Age: 12 years

Tina: "Death is going and never coming back."

Death's Meaning to Children

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KARlage 10

For Adults:Grollman, E.A. Explaining Death to Children. Boston, MA: Beacon Press, 1967.Klopfenstein, J. Tell Me About Death, Mommy. PA: Harald Press, 1977.Kubler Ross, E. On Death and Dying. N.Y.: Macmillan, 1969.Reed, E.L. Helping Children with the Mystery of Death. Nashville, TN: Abingdon

Press, 1970.Schneiderman, G. Coping with Death in the Family. Toronto, Canada: Chimo

Publications, 1979.Mills, G.C., Robinson, A.D., Vermilye, G. Discussing Death. CA: ETC Publications,

1976.

Resources

Sincere thanks to the childrenwho willingly shared their ideasand drawings, and to LynneBrown for her graphics exper-tise.

Jean Shane, M.A.Author

Jeanne E. Brown, Ph.D.Consultant and CoordinatorHuman Development Specialist

[3MSU is an Affirmative Action/Equal opportu. nity Institution. Cooperative Extension Service programs are open to all without rega.rd. to race, color, nationalorigin, sex, or handicap.

Issued in furtherance of Cooperative Extension work in agriculture and home economics, acts of May 8, and June 30, 1914, In cooperation with theU.S. Department of Agriculture. W.J. Moline, Director, Cooperative Extension Service, Michigan State University, E. Lansing, MI 48824.

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