Listening Skills - It’s Helpful (Healing) to Be Heard

Workshop for KVCC Student Leadership Program

What people really need is a good listening to

• We have two ears and one mouth for a reason

• Listening is twice as important (and hard) as talking

•The best way to be popular is not to be interesting but to be interested

Listening Skills• Good leadership skills• Good facilitation skills• Good friend skills• Good parenting skills• Show caring, kindness, respect, civility

Active Listening• Listening is not hearing

– Hearing – act of perceiving sound by the ear

– Listening – something you consciously do – requires concentration and attention to try to understand the other person

• It is a conscious activity that requires a number of skills – simple, but not easy

Tips for Being a Good Listener

• Give your full attention to the person– Eye contact– Face the person– Open posture

• Do not interrupt (do not finish the sentence)– Let the speaker finish

• Let yourself finish listening before you begin to talk– (Try not to be thinking of your response when you are

listening)

Thinking/Feeling Balance

• Thinking

• Feeling

Thinking

Feeling

Being heard brings thinking and feeling back into balance

Ask Open-ended Questions• Questions that cannot be answered

with yes/no or a short answer• “How are you doing?”• “What was that like for you?”• “How is your semester going?”• Not “Why” questions – requires and

explanation

Try Using One Word• “I’m so nervous about the speech I

have to give.”• “Nervous?”

And Then Be Quiet• Silence is an important listening tool• You may be uncomfortable with the

silence, at first, but try it and see what happens

• Let the person tell their story in their own way in in their own time

• The other person will fill the silence

Then Show Empathy• Try to imagine what the situation might

be like for them.• “Gee, that must have felt awful.”• “I bet that was pretty upsetting.”• “That must have been hard for you.”

Reflect Back• To show the other person he/she was heard• Use a few of the exact words• See if you have understood the other person• “I’m worried about the presentation I have to

make at Student Senate, today.”• “You’re concerned about presenting, today.”

Try to Find the Feeling• “How did you feel when that happened?”

– Not “How did that (he/she) make you feel?”• “How are you feeling about that?”• If the person responds with, “I feel that or

I feel like . . . “ – then it’s a thought coming next

• Let the feeling just “be there”

Do Not• Don’t deny the other’s thoughts or feelings

– Let the thought or feeling just “be there”– A person says, “I’m feeling really overwhelmed by

all the work I have to do.”– Don’t say, “Snap out of it – We all feel

overwhelmed.”– Don’t say, “Hey, get over it!”– Don’t say, “You think you’ve got problems, wait till

you hear mine.”

Do Not• Don’t give false reassurance

– Don’t say, “Don’t worry, everything is going to just fine.”

– Don’t say, “I’m sure that you will do fine on that exam.”

Do Not• Don’t judge the other’s thoughts or

feelings.– Don’t say, “Oh, you shouldn’t feel that

way.”– If you make someone wrong he/she will

defend their position or shut down

Do Not• Don’t try to “fix” the other’s problem

– You can’t and you have enough problems of your own

– We try to fix others to make ourselves feel more comfortable

Don’t Give Advice• Hard to do• Reflect the problem back on the person• “What do you think I should do about

my grade?”• “What could you do?”• If your advice does not work out whose

fault will that be?

Don’t Agree or DisagreeDon’t Approve or Disapprove

• Implies the person can not solve his or her own problems

Giving Feedback• Stick to the specific behavior the other

person has control over• Balance constructive with positive

feedback

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“I” Message• “I feel (or felt) . . . “• “When you . . . “ (Describe the person’s

behavior or actions without judgment)• “Because . . . “ (The impact of that

person’s behavior or action on you)• “And I want (or need) . . . “ (State what

you want or need clearly)

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Clear and Responsible Communication• Now is the time to learn assertive

communication if you do not already know this style of interacting

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Styles of Interacting

• Passive – others’ needs get met at the expense of your own needs

• Aggressive – your needs get met at the expense of the needs of others

• Assertive - your needs are more likely to get met while taking into consideration the needs of others

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Learn/Refine Assertiveness• Passive (nonassertive) avoidant

communication– let others push you around– difficulty asking for help– others’ needs get met at the expense of our own– know your communication rights and

responsibilities– feel hurt, anxious, angry– get taken advantage of

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Assertiveness cont. . .• Aggressive communication

– own needs placed before needs of others– often angry, dominating/superior style– attempts to humiliate others– control and manipulation of others– is seen by others as hostile– little concern for others’ feelings– get needs met at expense of others

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Assertiveness cont. . . • Assertive communication

– stand up for self without violating the rights of others

– honest direct, shows respect for self and others– gets own needs met while taking the needs of

others into consideration “I need” rather than “You must”

– takes responsibility for consequences– can take both compliments and criticisms– most effective style - might get what you want