1. soul of coaching Reproduced with the permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.comLiftingtheV on Anger eilPerhaps anger is covering up something deeper. Like not owning theright to choose.By Melanie DewBerry-JonesThe other day one of my challenging clients and anger to be more of a resource center,I were debating the appropriateness of anger.that calls to look within informingWhile maintaining my perspective, I was also us of a deeper truth, rather than a command centerenjoying listening to his commitment to anger. that compels us to react, we can be served well by ourMy client felt that his outrage at the often-shabby treat- anger. Although I have come to believe that angerment of lower-income people moved him into actionnever is the right answer, I found myself cutting off myand, therefore, anger served a valiant purpose in his life.client instead of inviting him in. What did being rightGood argument, I conceded, but not good enough.and being angry have in common? When we dare to liftAfter twenty minutes of getting nowhere, we agreed tothe carpet of anger, we never find our joys waiting forboth be right and return to the coaching.us with outstretched arms; instead, we find our fearsIn the moment I knew that the coaching had gonecowering from the light of introspection. Mirror, mir-south, I had become hooked on being right with a cap-ror on the wall who is the most right of all?ital H. I allowed my agenda to override my commit-Often, fear is desire turned on its head. When wement to the coaching relationship. What I realized infear that the desired object will be denied us, wethat moment was how the power of angerno matter manipulate our fear into anger for the socially accept-how lofty the intentseduces us into accepting fearsable reason that showing anger is preferable to show-lowest common denominator. I had attached to being ing fear. The agreed upon planetary perception is thatright, and like being angry, it is a short-term solution and when we admit to being afraid, we wimp outwe makea way of camouflaging our agendas. When we are so com- ourselves vulnerable. So we use anger to maneuver oth-mitted to being right, we are often blanketing our anger.ers into getting what we want.I do have to concede however, that anger can serve aWe use anger as our ace in the hole because it createspurpose; first it tells us something needs a deeperdistance so that others cannot see, smell or touch ourfocus. Secondly, for those who are learning to own fear. Anger is the response of the powerless. Childrentheir power, anger is often an important flag in recog-become angry because they are dependent on adultsnizing its time to honor boundaries, their voice, and for their survivalthey are literally fighting for theirtheir freedom to be self expressed. When we allowlives. Even adults, who have choices, sometimes46VOLUME 2 ISSUE 4

2. soul of coachingReproduced with the permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.comMany angry people dont have anger management problems; they have intimacy issues. Intimacy entails openness with self and others. Intimacy allows us to expose our fears and receive healing. Anger signals our unwillingness to be intimate with ourselves. Anger alienates. It puts us in defense mode and redirects our resources away from what would bring us joy and love.I dont recall being an angry child or young woman. Yet, when I searched my memory, scalding events began to attach themselves to each other until I awoke one morning, in my thirtieth year, buried in an avalanche of pent up anger. All the equality I had been promised, the dreams I had been assured of, and the love I was owed in exchange for my hard work had eluded my grasp. And was I pissed off about it! From that moment on, real joy became a thing of the past; my anger became my shadow. It assured me: Wherev- er you go, there I shall be also.Life always gives us what we desire. So when we look for evidence about how unfair life is, we get plenty of evidence to support our perspectives. The surer I became that life was hard, the more afraid I became. Around every corner lay unending opportunities for me to do battle with the injustice that I expected to encounter. I was right, but was I miserable! The course remain fixated on the anger response because they in miracles asks it well which do you want more to be have not owned their independence and right toright or to be happy? choose. The following scenarios demonstrate this:I looked for and found plenty of outlets for my anger. The withholding scenario. Your mate wont pickI embraced opportunities to explode on humanity, up after him/herself. You withhold sex, affection, andincluding, sadly, most of my dearest friends. I also open communication to get what you want. Or you yellbecame active in my community by sitting on the boards or discuss the situation ad nauseam and wear him/herof many non-profit organizations. I accomplished many down until you win. wonderful things with my anger, such as co-creating the The make wrong scenario. Your boss makes youfirst youth credit union in Northern California for low- angry. How much energy do you spend making him/herincome immigrants. But, with all my fear-driven success, wrong with others? Notice how the more wrong youI was ultimately causing and experiencing a lot of pain make your boss, the more justified and right you feel.because I could not admit that I was afraid. The Ill reject you before you reject me scenario. Using racism, I cloaked my fear in anger. Who was A friend doesnt give what you consider enough time going to argue with a Black woman about the tyranny to your relationship. You retaliate by creating reasons of racism? No one. This became my new armor. As long to distance yourself from it. How many relationshipsas I could keep people at a distance I felt safe and in have you abandoned so you didnt have to feel rejected? control; but that was a false sense of security. The dis- No matter, you win and that is what matters!tance created deep pain that I was unwilling to tap into VOLUME 2 ISSUE 4 47 3. soul of coaching Reproduced with the permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.com and resolve. It became far easier to project my pain mite coaches. Anger ridden as I was at that time, Ionto everyone else.found opportunities to find them wrong, complainWhen coaching, I try to remember that anger is not and dare anyone to argue with me. What I noticedan emotion to ignore or step over. It is not a bad was neither of them ever challenged me, got angryemotion; it is just the voice of our pain. Typically, we with me or demanded that I be any different. Believeget stuck in anger and react from it. Anger then me, I looked for the catch, but could find none. Forbecomes a world unto itself. What is important tothe first time I started to feel accepted, and thisremember is not to be fooled by giving into it. Recall helped me to stop feeding my anger. They listened atan instance when someone elses anger pushed yourthe soul level. I felt heard not deterred. Their radicalbuttons and, before you knew it, you were either say-act of acceptance created space for my fear to surface.ing or doing something childish that you later regret- Another morning, towards the end of my thirties, Ited or had to work very hard to justify. Engaging angerwoke up thinking: Today, I can choose to be a freeholds us hostage to the emotion. But when we giveBlack woman, where racism may exist, but I exist dif-anger space by staying curious about it, something ferently with it. Today, I can believe that the worlddeeper emerges for the client and coach to work with.loves me, wants to play with me, and cant wait to inter-As coaches, we must look inside, underneath and allact with me. By allowing my fear to expose itself, thosearound to see what the anger is trying to show us. Wewise coaches gently allowed me to choose to beencourage our clients to stay present to the anger with- coached into something morea life by design insteadout succumbing to it. When we work with our clients in of a life by default. By the end of the course, I was sit-discovering the true agenda, they can learn to respond ting in a room basking in the acceptance my soulto that agenda instead of reacting to the anger. craved. We are not so differentyou, me and ourAnger doesnt resolve any issues because it almost clients. Love and acceptance are what we all desire. Innever is about the surface problem. Untreated, anger fact, my Native American elders say, Mitakuye Oyasin,creates the dis-ease that contaminates all our rela- which means, We are all related. The clients pain isWhen we give anger space by staying curious about it,something deeper emerges for the client and coach.tionships. It is usually a cover for fear; fear that we will our pain. Allowing ourselves to lean into the pain andnot be loved unconditionally. When we use anger to the fear, being open to feeling it unlocks the door toget what we want it is a get that is stolen rather thanour acceptance of it.freely given. Unable to trust that we can get what weWhen our clients bring us anger issues, it is almostwant without the force of anger we rob ourselves ofalways a red herring. There is often something beneaththe opportunity for others to engage with us and givethe surface that lies at the heart of the issue. It is ourto us freely. It wounds us while desensitizing us to the job as coaches to fish up that invisible something, giv-suffering of self and others.ing it and the client room to breathe and transform.Anger is a toxic lie waiting to be unearthed, healed Coach the human not the anger. In the face of angerand released.our best skill is using the salve of compassion.Although I cannot give you a foolproof technique When anger rides in on your clients, here are a fewthat will help your coaching, I can, however, sharecrucial things to remember:with you my experience of the healing power of Remember it is covering up something deeper.acceptance. When anger was still feasting on my soul, Allow the anger the space it needs, and invite it toI was taking a coaching course taught by two dyna- drop its mask.48VOLUME 2 ISSUE 4 4. soul of coaching Reproduced with the permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.com Love your clients as they are; let them be who theyhaving our reality mirrored back to us! You can be sure are in this moment.my client sent me on my own treasure hunt. See the beauty in the client no matter who they areTogether, clients and coaches have the power to showing up as. choose to radically transform and liberate their deep- Be curious.est anger and fear into acceptance. When we expandour heartsby seeing our clients highest self, no mat- Ask the following questions: ter who is on the call, asking powerful questions, and, What is hurting right now? yes, adding a dollop of love a spiritual alchemy Does being angry get you what you want and makeoccurs. Without the shackles of anger, our clients have you happy? the power to free up and redirect the resources previ- When the anger is gone, what are you left with?ously held hostage in the defensiveness of anger to thegreater good of claiming a joyous life. Finally, dont forget to check in the mirror, because our clients always show up with exactly the same issuesMelanie DewBerry-Jones is a twice-certified coach and a we have as coaches. Should you find yourself with an senior trainer for the Coaches Training Institute. Melanie is angry client, its time to look under your anger carpet, a speaker, storyteller and a member of the National Speak- too. One of the most wonderful gifts of coaching isers Association. VOLUME 2 ISSUE 4 49