Life Skills/ Parenting skills for children

Presented By Ncazelo Ncube-Mlilo

The rise of child parenti-fication is probably one of the most difficult impacts of HIV and AIDS that can be seen today on children’s lives. Children are forced by circumstances beyond their understanding and choice to step into parenting roles when they still need to be parented themselves.

Those of us who are parents and or caregivers will attest to the fact that the experience of parenting is paradoxical in that it is sometimes a beautiful experience and yet there are times when you just want to run from it all. If parenting is difficult for adults, it is hard to comprehend what it means for a 12 year old to be faced with the reality and responsibility to care for siblings aged six years and three years usually with little support and supervision.

The starting point in the provision of life skills for children is dealing with myths and beliefs and misconceptions about children that further complicate their capacity to assume parenting roles and responsibilities.

Families and communities may hold some of the following perceptions and attitudes about children that are disempowering.

Children

- Are lazy and dependent- Are passive- Do not have the capacity to understand complex issues such as death, sexuality, property rights etc.- Are protected if the truth is kept away from them- Do not have skills and competencies to help them cope with the challenges that they face in life.- Should be seen and not heard i.e. they do not have a meaningful point of view.

Contrary to these ideas however we know that children:

- Have adaptive skills- Are creative and resourceful- Easily form relationships that go beyond racial, language, economic, and religious barriers- Are honest and truthful- Are very curious and will take risks (test the limits)- Learn quickly and like to imitate- Are forgiving- Are good observers and quite analytic- Are Energetic

When developing effective life skills programs or interventions for children it is important to listen to their voices and concerns. It is difficult however to listen effectively to children if one is not convinced about that they have something important to say and that they have the capacity and potential to work through the challenges that they face.

I have had the privilege of learning from children with parenting roles and responsibilities about the joys, problems, challenges and burdens that they face in assuming parenting responsibilities at very young ages.

Some of the voices of children heading households bring out the following questions, dilemmas, and concerns related to their experiences.

- What can I give to my siblings when I have nothing to give? - What can I do if my siblings want more that I can afford to give them?

-How can I make a balance between what I want for my personal life and what is good to do for my siblings and family?

-How can I protect our household from intruders?

-How can we access the money that our parents left for us?

- How do I stop my brother from abusing drugs and alcohol?

- How can I teach my family good behaviors like being respectful at all times?

Should I encourage my siblings to talk about our parents who have been dead for several years now?

What can one do if a baby that is under ones care does not start crawling when he or she is expected to?

- What would happen if a three month old baby is left unattended?

- Is it necessary to take a sick baby to the clinic?

- Why is it important for children to have injections done every month?

-How can I cope with a child (sibling) who is in the adolescence stage?

-Where can I get support?

- What advice can I give to my brother who wants to attend initiation school at the mountains?

Such enquiries/questions show perhaps the difficulties of parenting and the confusion and anxiety that children with parenting roles are faced with.

However they also give valuable information and direction with regards to the primary concerns of child headed households that need to be addressed through life skills programs and interventions.

Clearly children heading households have concerns and worries about several aspects of parenting and family life.

This means that life skills programs need to be holistic in their nature embracing all dimensions of parenting responsibilities and family life.

Holistic life skills interventions should encompass daily living skills, self help skills, psychosocial life skills and income generating skills.

Explaining the categories of different life skills

Self Help skills

- personal hygiene- taking care of one’s health e.g. eating well, getting enough sleep etc- keeping kempt- personal grooming e.g. table manners- mending of garments- doing laundry and ironing- self regulation

Daily living skills include

- household management- meal planning- budgeting- preparations of wholesome meals- hygiene- basic first aid and administering medication- child care- linking up with support systems e.g. police, social services etc- self care- Time management

Psychosocial skills

-Decision making- conflict resolution- problem solving- goal setting- Trust and interdependence-prioritization-intrapersonal skills (developing and maintaining relationships with others)-interpersonal skills e.g. ability to cope with stress, self talk, motivating oneself- ability to delay satisfaction etc- Analytical skills

Income generating projects

The focus of this category is largely on economic strengthening for children. Successful IGAs for children and young people have been found to do the following:

- Allowing children to decide on the projects to take up and the desired vision and outcome of the project.

- Children decide on the processes necessary to be undertaken for the project to be a success.

Income generating projects continued

- Creating and guiding an experience that will enable children to be involved not just mentally and physically but also spiritually, socially and emotionally i.e. the project draws in the whole child.

-The experience of doing the projects needs to lead to personal growth and development. Children should reach new realizations and positive conclusions about themselves as a result of the project.

Income generating projects continued

- Providing opportunities for debrief and reflections in the process so that strategies and necessary changes can be made during the course of the project.

- A good leader and facilitator who believes in the capacities and competencies of children to deliver the project.

- Children get fully involved in the processes of monitoring and evaluating the project

- A good leader provides guidance and support but is able to stay decentred at all times.

Important factors to consider when developing life skills/parenting programs for children heading households.

When working with children heading households there is often a strong drive or temptation to teach and educate them so that they learn or develop the necessary the skills.

However there is a need to question the effectiveness of strategies and interventions that do not CENTER the children concerned.

Centering the children means• Taking time to understand from the children

what their personal realities are with regards to their families and responsibilities.

• Exploring with them their personal hopes, aspirations, goals and dreams for their own lives and the children under their care.

• Identifying the skills and competencies that they possess that can be a useful resource for them in their caring role.

• Supporting them in identifying mentors and the support structures that are available to them.

• Supporting the children to trace their roots, origins, ancestry, relations and families.

• Joining with the children to celebrate and find ways to hold on to precious memories and the good things that they have experienced in their lives. This includes the gifts that they have been given by others (including parents/caregivers, siblings etc who may have died) that go beyond material gifts e.g. gifts of unconditional love, support, concern over one’s life, kindness, education etc.

• Identifying acts of care and kindness that they have carried out in the past. These provide a foundation for the children to have a sense that they have the capacity to care for others (as they have done so in the past).

• Helping the children to access the precious values, beliefs, lessons, messages and words of encouragement that their parents and care givers would like them to hold on to as they step into the challenging role of parenting.

It is important that children heading households become fully present in taking up the challenging role of parenting their siblings.

Their physical presence and knowledge about child care and accompanying responsibilities without the intrinsic sense of I can, I want to, I will, I am hopeful, I have, I understand etc it would be impossible for children and adults to carry out the parenting role effectively.

There is a need to demonstrate the reality that child headed household can function with the support of caring adults.

The ways and actions that the adult community can take to support CHH to develop the necessary skills need to be communicated to a wider audience. This could reduce the felt need to separate young children from their siblings in order to provide care in other families.

Looking at the different categories of life skills required by children heading households it is clear that the whole community can get involved in supporting children to assume parenting roles.

CHH experience challenges however they provide children with the important option of remaining/staying together in their communities where they can experience the following:

- the value of family- A sense of belonging and identity- Learn to forgive, patience, tolerance- Adapting to change- hope, joy, giving, respect- Accountability, honesty- Caring for others

The above however can only be possible if we provide the necessary support and ensure that life skills programs give all the required skills necessary for children to carry out the role of parenting.

Thank you