LIAR, LIARLIAR, LIAR" Rough Working Draft by Tom Shadyac and Mike Binder April 18, 1996 INT. FULGHAM...

113
" L I A R , L I A R " Rough Working Draft by Tom Shadyac and Mike Binder April 18, 1996

Transcript of LIAR, LIARLIAR, LIAR" Rough Working Draft by Tom Shadyac and Mike Binder April 18, 1996 INT. FULGHAM...

"LIAR, LIAR"

Rough Working Draftby

Tom Shadyac and Mike Binder

April 18, 1996

INT. FULGHAM KINDERGARTEN -- WEDNESDAY MORNING

Two dozen KINDGERGARTNERS listen to their teacher, MS.BERRY. The word "Work" is on the blackboard.

MMSS.. BBEERRRRYY"Work." Today we're going toshare what our parents do forwork.

QUICK CUTS of a series of five-year olds standing besidetheir desks, addressing the class:

JEFFMy dad is a truck driver.

MELINDAMy mommy is a doctor.

CAROLYNMy dad is a librarian and mymom is a vegetarian.

THEODORE(with difficulty)

My father is a struck-sher-al-engine-ear.

CRAIG -My mother is an actress. Sheworks at Denny's.

KELLYMy daddy works at a placewhere they make stuff, and mymommy is a mommy.

ELLIOT(looking a littlecrazed)

My father is a postal worker.

The QUICK CUTS end with MAX:

MAXMy mom's a teacher.

As Max starts to sit:

MS. BERRYAnd your dad?

MMAAXX((hheessiittaanntt))

My dad? H e ' s . . . a liar.

MS. BERRY(taken aback)

A liar? I don't think you !mean "a liar."

MAXWell... he wears'a suit andgoes to court and talks to thejudge and--

MS. BERRY(relieved)

Oh! I see-- you mean he's alawyer.

Max shrugs.

INT. COURTROOM .-- DAY

FLETCHER REID, early 30's, stands before the JUDGE. Hismanner is utterly genuine and convincing.

FLETCHERA dark street. . . a stormynight... two desperate menstruggle... one man is takento the hospital, the other tojail. The prosecutor wantsyou to believe this is anopen-and-shut case of a poorman, brutally victimized.

He nods at the victim - - a fragile OLD MAN in his 70's.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)Well, for once I agree withthe prosecutor. This is anopen-and shut case -- but thetrue victim is my client.

Fletcher's CLIENT is a 250 pound brute in a suit.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)Put yourself in his shoes fora moment--walking home fromchurch, alone, in afrightening part of thesuburbs.

As he describes his client's movements, Fletcher ACTS THEMOUT:

J

FLETCHER (CONT'D)You're nervous, timid, lookingover your shoulder -- whensuddenly, you encounter him--

(pointing at theold man)

pouncing from the shadows.You quiver in fear. Thestreetlight flashes onsomething shiny in his hand--a knife?

Suddenly Fletcher becomes the attacker, brandishing aweapon. The jurors RECOIL.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)And in that terrifying instantyou do what any respectablecitizen would -- you defendyourself. Only after youshatter his arm and collarbonedo you realize it's all amistake... the man was merelywalking away from an ATMmachine, the apparent flash ofmetal caused by his bank card.

He reveals the weapon in his hand is only a credit card.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)((ccoonncceerrnneedd))

AAss yyoouu ssttaanndd oovveerr hhiisscrumpled, though potentiallystill-dangerous form, yourheart goes out to him. Youwant to help. First, yougather up the many bills hedropped, to stop them fromblowing away. Second, in aneffort to get the name andnumber of someone to notify,you take his wallet. Finally,you leap into the man's Lexusto head for assistance, whensuddenly a police car speedsup. You breathe a sigh ofrelief: "Someone to look -afterthe injured man! Oh joy!"But do the police applaud yourinitiative? Do they hail yourheroism? No-- they arrest youand throw you in the slammer!

He walks along the jury box:

FLETCHER (CONT'D)• And why? Why does the Stateturn its massive power againstthis individual?

(takes animpressivemoment, thenanswers his ownquestion:)

Discrimination,(to a blackjuror)

But this time it's not basedon race.

(to a femalejuror)

Not based on gender.(to a man wearinga crucifix)

Not based on religion,(to a heavy setjuror)

No--this time it'sdiscrimination based on size!

. I know what the prosecutionwants you to think - -it'salways the big guy's fault.Is that what we've come to asa society -- persecutingpeople because they're large?

Fletcher points accusingly at the opposition.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)Shame on you, MisterProsecutor! Shame on you!

(turning back tojury)

The state is trying tobarbeque my client on the spitof Justice. Only you can dousethe flames. The decision isyours. And please...don't letyour emotions run away withyou. The fact that my clientis a family man, raising hissons alone after the tragicdeath of their mother, hasabsolutely no bearing on thiscase.

In the front row we see two sad-faced YOUNG CHILDREN.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)Instead, let cold reason beyour guide as you decide thefate of this church-going,orphan-rasing widower!

Fletcher returns to his seat. Jurors, dab their eyes.

EXT. COURTHOUSE -- AFTERNOON

Fletcher bounds down the stairs, passing a fellow LAWYER,

LAWYERHow's it going, Fletcher?

FLETCHER(he' s won)

Another gratifying day servingJustice.

Fletcher's huge client catches up to him.

CLIENTHey great job, Mr. Reid. Iwish there was some way Icould show my appreciation.

FLETCHERStay out of my neighborhoodafter dark.

A PUBLICIST carrying, a clipboard approaches Fletcher.

PUBLICISTMr. Reid, do you have a •moment-?

FLETCHERNo, I'm late picking up myson.

PUBLICIST-Because a couple of reporterswant to interview you aboutyour big win today.

Fletcher instantly shifts directions.

FLETCHER . .How's my hair?

And he's off to woo a GANG OF REPORTERS.

EXT. SUBURBAN PORCH - AFTERNOON

A sad Max and his mother, AUDREY, wait silently on thesteps.

MAXWhat time is it?

AUDREY(checks herwatch)

I'm sure he just got tied upin court again.

Finally, Fletcher's BMW pulls up. Max races to him,delighted.

MAXDad!

FLETCHERMaximillian!

(calls out acommand)

TRANSFORMERS!! .

Fletcher instantly becomes a human version of theTRANSFORMER TOY making ROBOTIC MOVEMENTS and SOUNDS. Maxkknnoowwss tthhee rroouuttiinnee wweellll,, mmoovveess iinn ppeerrffeecctt ssiinnee wwiitthh ddaadd.. .. ......Until -- .

FLETCHERMalfunction in vector 3 ! !Malfunction in vector 3!!

(pretends to losecontrol of a'robotic' arm)

Look out! It's on ticklemode!!

Fletcher's "mechanical arm" becomes CLAW-LIKE, TICKLING MAXlike crazy! Max loves it.

Audrey watches these two kids, smiles.

FLETCHER(re: Audrey)

And who is this lovely lady?Max, could you introduce me?

MAXThat's no lady, that's mom!

AUDREY. •Thanks, Max.

• FLETCHERMom? !

((uunnddeerr hhiissbreath)

Himnm. . . I don't remember herlooking that good,

(becomes therobot again)

Malfunction in Vector 4!Malfunction in Vector 4!

Fletcher's other robotic arm becomes a "pincher", comesafter Audrey.

AUDREY(playfully)

Keep Vector 4 away from me.Unless you want Vector 4chopped off.

FLETCHERYou know, you were much easierwhen we were married...

(re: her luggage)So where are you off too?

AUDREYStanford. I'm delivering apaper.

FLETCHEROh really? Where I live, weuse a boy on a bike.

MAXHey mom, dad's taking me tosee wrestling!

AUDREY(mildlyprotesting)

Oh, Fletcher!

FLETCHER(playfullymimicking her)

Oh, Audrey!

AUDREYDo you have to take him tothose things? They're soviolent.

Fleccher IMITATES the familiar wise, old INDIAN CHIEF DANGEORGE.

FFLLEETTCCHHEERR//DDAANN GGEEOORRGGEETThhee bbooyy mmuusstt lleeaarrnn tthhee wwaayy oofftthhee wwaarrrriioorr.. AAnndd wwhhoo bbeetttteerrto teach him than Rowdy Rod- .Piper and Big John Stud?

Audrey can't help but LAUGH.

FLETCHER/DAN GEORGEHe must be schooled in the wayof the face-claw, the sleeper-hold, and the purple nuxple.For only then--

AUDREY(playfully)

Shut up!!

FLETCHER/DAN GEORGE(to Max)

The squaw will neverunderstand us.

A HORN HONKS. It's the good-natured, affable JERRY. Maxruns up to him.

JERRYMax, my man!

Jerry gives Max "five", then kisses Audrey on the lips.

JERRYFletcher, good to see you?

FLETCHERWhat? No kiss for me?

JERRY(re: luggage)

What do you say, Max? Give mea hand?

Fletcher grits his teeth as Jerry gives Max a piggybackride to get the luggage.

FLETCHER(to Audrey)

I didn't know the boyfriendwas going.

AUDREYJerry. His name is Jerry andyes, he's going.

Audrey heads inside.

INT. HOUSE - DAY • .

Audrey enters, shuts the blinds.

FLETCHERTo Stanford? Overnight? Doesthis mean you two are...

(cringes, can'tsay the words)

AUDREYI've been seeing him sevenmonths, what do you think?

FLETGHERI was hoping that after beingmarried to me, you'd have nomore strength left.

AUDREY. Well you have to remember whenwwee wweerree mmaarrrriieedd,, II wwaassnn''tthhaavviinngg sseexx nneeaarrllyy aass oofftteenn aassyou were.

FLETCHERMEDIC!! I've been hit.

/-

EXT. HOUSE - DAY ' • '

Audrey locks up.

FLETCHERWell, great... I'm so happyfor you two. I am just MisterHappy man. Happy, happy,happy.

AUDREYRelax, Fletcher. It lookslike Jerry's taking that joboffer in Boston.

Fletcher turns sincere.

FLETCHERAud, I am so sorry...

Behind her back, he FLAILS in celebration. She glancesback... He stops, whistles innocently.

JERRY(calling toAudrey)

Ready?

Audrey and Jerry say goodbye to Max. They get in hisExplorer.

FLETCHER(to Audrey)

You gonna be okay? Because ifnot, we could leave Max withyour sister and I could go outwith you two, does that appealto you at all?

They drive off.

FLETCHERWave to the soon-to-be ex-boyfriend, Max.

(flipping Max thekeys)

You drive.

INT. BMW - AFTERNOON'- MOVING

Fletcher is driving, Max beside him.

MAXDad, are we really going to goto wrestling?

FLETCHERAbsolutely, Maxattacker. Wejust have to stop by theoffice for one minute.

Max SIGHS. He's heard this before.

EXT. SKYSCRAPER - AFTERNOON

Establishing the headquarters of ALLAN, STEWART &KONIGSBERG.

As they head inside, Fletcher and Max pass a BEGGAR.

BEGGAR'Scuse me, sir. Do you haveany change?

FLETCHER(patting hispockets)

'Fraid not. Sorry.

INT. SKYSCRAPER LOBBY - AFTERNOON

Fletcher grabs The Daily Journal, paying for it with aHANDFUL OF CHANGE. His son takes this in.

On their way to the elevators Fletcher and Max pass PHILIP,a dweebish bore.

PHILIPFletcher!

FLETCHERPhilip!

PHILIPAnd this must be Max!

FLETCHER(trying to brushhim off)

. Yes. Yes it is. Well, it wasgood seeing you--

Fletcher starts off with Max, when Philip calls after him.

PHILIPYou know, Ethel and I had ablast at our last little get-together.

FLETCHEROh, me too. I can never getenough of charades. We'llhave to do it again sometime.

Fletcher heads into an open elevator... only to find thedoor's closing impededby Philip's foot.

PHILIPWhen?

FLETCHERSoon.

The door again begins to close... when Philip stops it.

PHILIPHow 'bout tonight?

FLETCHERNot that soon. I'm taking Maxto see wrestling--

PHILIPWe love wrestling. We could--

FLETCHERI don't think so. See, Max isreally shy around strangers.

Max looks up at Fletcher. He isn't.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)Tell you what -- give me yourcard as a reminder. I'll callyou. Soon. Promise.

PHILIPGreat!

Philip hands him his card just as the door closes.

INT. ELEVATOR - AFTERNOON

Max watches as his father TEARS PHILIP'S CARD IN TWO.

INT. RECEPTION AREA OF LAW OFFICES - AFTERNOON

The receptionist, JANE, greets them. Jane has an ODD,UNATTRACTIVE HAIRDO. A large GIFT BASKET is on her desk.

JANEHi, Mr. Reid.

(indicates, herhair)

What do you think?

FLETCHERFabulous! I love it.

(indicates the •basket)

What's this?

JANEI don't know who sent it. Butit's for Mr. Allan. It's hisanniversary.

FLETCHERAh... The PartnershipCommittee meeting stillscheduled for Friday?

JANE(as she goes)

Yep...

Fletcher quickly removes a gift card from his pocket,scribbles on it, puts it in place of the one already there

MAXWhat are you doing?

FLETCHEROh, I'm... fixing the card,

(shows him theold card)

Look, they spelled Mr. Allan'sname wrong. Have an apple.

INT. MIRANDA'S OFFICE - AFTERNOON

...Where a troubled FRED RAND is talking to MIRANDA, abeautiful, steely partner.

FREDI can't do it.

MIRANDAFred, it's your duty topresent the strongest casepossible.

FREDThe strongest case possible,consistent with the truth.

MIRANDALet the Judge decide what'strue. That's what he getspaid for. You get paid towin.

FREDIf you insist on my taking itto trial, I'll represent Mrs.Cole aggressively andethically. But, Miranda -- Iwon't lie.

Miranda looks out her window, calculating.

MIRANDAThen we'll just have to findsomeone who'will.

INT. HALLWAY OF LAW OFFICES -- AFTERNOON

Fletcher strides through the hallway with Max, calling outGREETINGS to his colleagues.

FLETCHERHey, Pete! Great tie! • .

Max looks at PETE, -whose fashion-disaster tie startles him.

FLETCHERThomas--looks like you'relosin' weight.

THOMAS glances up from a file. Max notes that he'scorpulent.

THOMASGained three pounds.

FLETCHER(wedging pasthim)

On you, it works.•

Fletcher arrives at his office. WE MEET his secretary, thefiftyish, .worldly-wise and world-weary GRETA.

GRETA 'Max! What's new?

.MAXWell. . . it's my birthdaytomorrow. We're having aparty and everything.

Fletcher's EYES WIDEN. He has clearly forgotten.

GRETAI'm sure your dad'11 give yousomething wonderful.

Fletcher tries to wave her off, awkwardly stopping when Maxturns to him. .

MAXYeah?

FLETCHEROh, yeah. You're going tolove it. Uh, why don't youplay in my office for aminute? Fax something, suesomeone, have a good time.We'll be leaving in a second.

Max heads into the office. Fletcher closes the door behindhim turning it into a silly, two-handed wave.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)Damn! I completely forgot.

GRETAOh, there's a surprise.

Greta produces a wrapped GIFT.

FLETCHERYou're a saint. I should getyou something.

GRETAYou did.

She holds up another, smaller package.

FLETCHERAh. Well, I always do theclassy thing. Any calls?

She hands him a stack of mail.

GRETA. Let's see.. . •

(checkingmessages)

Judge Patterson's clerk. Heneeds your filing.

FLETCHERTell him it's in the mail.

GRETA(jotting down anote)

Right. You'll do it nextweek. Mr. McKinley phoned,questioning that fourteenhours you billed on ChristinasEve.

FLETCHERWrite him a long, explanatoryletter. Then bill him for theletter.

GRETA(jotting down a

. note). . .Done. Your mother called.

FLETCHERI'm on vacation.

GRETAThis is your fifth week. . • .

FLETCHERIt's a long vacation.

GRETA(jotting down anote)

"Break mother's heart." Done.And that's it, exceptMiranda's looking for you.

FLETCHER(checking watch)

As if I don't have anythingbetter to do than bow andscrape at her royal perfumedpartner feet. Tell her I'm incourt.

GRETACourt's closed.

FLETCHERTell her I broke my leg andhad to be shot.

GRETA(whispers)

Why don't you tell heryourself?

As Miranda approaches, Fletcher switches gears in aninstant:

FLETCHER--And then send out a noticeof judgement on my win today!

GRETA(dry)

I'll get right on it.

Fletcher turns -- and pretends to be surprised.

FLETCHERMiranda! I didn't see you.Hey, you look lovely, today.Here, I bought you a gift.

He grabs Greta's gift and hands it to Miranda.

MIRANDAThanks. I heard about yourvictory today. You're makingquite an impression on thepartnership committee.

FLETCHER(feigningpuzzlement;then)

Oh, that's right. You folksare meeting again soon."Allan, Stewart, Konigsberg,and Ried." There's somethingabout the rhythm of fours.It's like a full measure.Well, anyway, I've got aclient waiting in my office--

MIRANDA .Actually, something importanthas come up. You're not busytonight, are you?

Before Fletcher answers, we:

CUT TO:

INT. FLETCHER'S OFFICE - EVENING

A sad Max sits on Fletcher's big sofa. His heart sinksfurther when Fletcher enters. . . carrying two boxes ofdocuments.

MAXWe're not going, are we?

FLETCHEROf course we are. A promiseis a promise. We are gonnasee wrestling or my name isn'tFletcher T. Reid.

FLETCHER(to wrestler)

Could you hand me that?(the wrestlerdoes)

Thank you.(without lookingup)

We are having some fun, ehMaxer?

PUSH IN on Max; he isn't.

•INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

Jerry paces. Audrey is on the phone, waiting. She noticesJerry pacing.

AUDREYAre you alright?

JERRYUh, yeah, just, uh... how longare you gonna be on the phone?

AUDREYI just wanted to say good-night to Max, but he muststill be out with Fletcher,

(hangs up)

JERRY(suddenly)

Will you marry me?

She's SHOCKED.I

AUDREYUh...would I . . . ? What did yousay?

JERRY(nervous)

I proposed, I . . . Look, I knowthis Boston thing is a greatopportunity, good job,money... everything. But Istarted to think about beingthree thousand miles away fromyou and Max. And I didn'tlike it. I-- Look, I knowit's a lot to ask, to move andeverything, but I .. . .I love

you. I love your son. Willyou marry me?

She stares at him, excited, but nervous.

EXT. HIGH RISE APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING

Early morning outside Fletcher's building.

INT. FLETCHER'S STUDY - MORNING

Fletcher types on his computer. He's been up all night.

He leans back, rubs his eyes. When he opens them he seesMax standing there in pajamas. Fletcher SMILES.

FLETCHERMax Factor... Happy birthday.How old are you today?Thirty? Forty?

MAXFive.

FLETCHERWell, you've held up well. Ionly wish there was some wayto commemorate such anoccasion, some small symbol tomark this day, like....

Fletcher produces --

FLETCHER. . . A present! .

Max eyes it with wonder.

MAXWhat is it?

FLETCHER(no idea)

It's... it's.(it hits him)

a surprise.

Max knows his father doesn't have a clue but he rips thebox open, revealing, a BASEBALL, GLOVE, DODGER'S CAP, andFULL MAJOR LEAGUE STYLE UNIFORM.

MAXBaseball stuff!

_ J

FLETCHERBaseball stuff.

MAX(hugging his dad)

Will you play catch with me?

: FLETCHER ' •Absorootentootenlutely.

Max beams.

FLETCHERTonight. After your party,you have my word on it.

Max nods sadly as Fletcher turns back to his work.

EXT. JERRY'S CAR - MORNING

Jerry and Audrey are driving. Audrey's holding a couple ofairline tickets.

AUDREY(re: tickets)

Jerry, these are for tomorrow.

JERRYThe company wants me to getstarted right away.

AUDREYI can't just pick up and moveto Boston with two daysnotice.

JERRYJust come check it out. Youand Max, see the town. Let's

. pick out a place together.Then, if you want to turn medown and scar me for life,fine.

AUDREYIt's just not that simple...What about my job? I've beenat UCLA three years.

JERRYIt's New England. They'relousy with colleges. Youcan't swing a bat back therewithout hitting a college.

You'd get a job there in asecond.

AUDREYThere are other factorsinvolved.

(points)There they are now. • .

They pull up in front of Fletcher's building where Fletcherand Max are waiting. Fletcher's still reviewing a file.

As Audrey gets out of Jerry's car, Max runs over.

AUDREYDid you have fun? How werethe wrestling matches?

FLETCHERBig fun. Manly fun. Am Iright, Maxie?

MAX(half-heartedly)

It was fun..•

FLETCHER(re: Audrey)

So how were the wrestlingmatches? Did you have fun?

JERRYMax, my man! My happybirthday man!

Max and Jerry exchange "fives" and'a hug. Jerry gives Maxa light punch on the arm.

JERRYOne-two-three-four-five... andone for good luck.

FLETCHERDid you see that? He struckthe child!

MAXLook what dad got me!

(shows the glove)

JERRYWhoa! Great! I have my glovein the car. We'll stop in thepark on the way home and playcatch. Then tonight we'll oil

it, wrap a rubber band aroundit. . . It'll be great.

(to Fletcher)Great birthday present, dad!

Fletcher hates him. Jerry and Max go to Jerry's car.

FLETCHER • .(makes a fist)

When is it his birthday?

AUDREYSomething's come up. We needto talk.

MAXMom, let's go. I want toplay.

AUDREY(to Fletcher)

We'll talk tonight.•

FLETCHERTonight?

AUDREYMax's birthday?

FLETCHER'Oh, yeah, right. Seven. Iknew that. I did. I blockedit out weeks ago. Theseventeenth of May. Max'sbirthday.

AUDREYIt's the eighteenth.

FLETCHERThe seventeenth of May is theday I .remind myself that theeighteenth is Max's birthday.See you tonight.

They drive away.

INT. MIRANDA'S OFFICE - NIGHT

Miranda, and Fletcher's new client, VIRGINIA COLE, analluring woman in her early thirties/ review the documenthe spent the previous•night putting together.

VIRGINIAThis is good. This is reallysmart.

FLETCHERThank you.

VIRGINIAOnly i t ' s . . . Like not true.Every word of it is a lie.

Fletcher and Miranda exchange glances.

VIRGINIA (CONT'D)I mean... isn't that aproblem?

FLETCHERMrs. Cole, the only problemhere is that after you'veprovided years of faithfulservice and loving support, ofraising his children -- Theyare his?

VIRGINIAHm? Oh yeah. One for sure.

FLETCHERAfter all that, your husbandwants to deny you a fair shareof the marital assets based onone single act ofindiscretion-- ]

VIRGINIASeven.

FLETCHERHm?

VIRGINIASeven single acts ofindiscretion.

FLETCHER--Seven acts of indiscretion,only one of which he has anyevidence of, and all of whichhe himself is responsible, for.

VIRGINIAHe is?

FLETCHERMrs. Cole, I stayed up allnight last night studying yourcase. Not just your case...but you. And, by now, I feelI know you. You are thevictim here. The wife of acold, distant businessman.Starved for affection, driveninto the arms of another man--

VIRGINIASeven.

FLETCHER(not missing abeat)

--Seven .other men. You're nottrying to deny him what isrightfully his. All you'reinsisting on is what isrightfully yours. And maybean idgy-smidgy bit more. Ithink you're bending overbackwards.

VIRGINIAWell, I did agree to give himj oint custody of the kids...

(to Miranda)He's always been a goodfather.

FLETCHERAnd you've always been a goodwife.

VIRGINIA(getting workedup)

Yeah. . .

FLETCHERThere's such a thing as beingtoo nice. That's why you needaggressive representation. Toshow the court that there ismore than one side to thisstory. All I'm asking is theopportunity to see thatjustice is done on yourbehalf.

(takes her hand)Will you give me thatopportunity?

He stares into her eyes. A moment, then...

VIRGINIAYes! I'm tired of gettingkicked around.

FLETCHERGood for you!

VIRGINIAThank you, Mr. Reid. I'm sograteful I have an attorney Ican trust.

She gives him a HUG and momentarily grabs his ass. With afarewell nod to Miranda, she leaves.

Miranda turns, smiles at Fletcher, then shuts the door.She moves in on him.

MIRANDAYou're good. You're reallygood.

FLETCHEROh, pshaw.

(pronounces itwith the "p")

She picks a piece of lint off.his jacket.

MIRANDANo, I mean it. The Cole caseis worth a truckload of moneyto this firm, not to mentionthe press it's going togenerate. You win this caseand I guarantee you'll makepartner.

(straighteninghis tie)

Actually, how would you liketo make a partner right now?

FLETCHERExcuse me?

She grabs his lapels and pulls him in for a deep KISS.

INT, AUDREY AND MAX'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

A PARTY in progress, KINDERGARTNERS being entertained by aMAN in a clown suit and clown make-up.

CLOWN(singing)

Captain Fuzzy is my name,Making children happy is mygame,With a shake and a juggle,And a big belt buckle,You'll all be glad I came. '

He flops down on his back causing something in his pants toHONK. Audrey and Jerry watch.

AUDREY(indicating theclown)

What do you think?

JERRYWell, if you don't hire yourbrother, who will?

She heads into... .

INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS•

JERRYThey called me again fromBoston. They really want methere tomorrow.

AUDREY. . . I can't go to Boston.

JERRYHow come?

AUDREYMax.

JERRYHe'll love it there.

AUDREYIt's Fletcher.

JERRYFletcher?

AUDREYI can't move Max threethousand miles away from hisfather.

JERRYAudrey, I have never said abad word about your ex --

AUDREYI know.

JERRYBut how much responsibilitydoes Fletcher take for Max,now? He'd never come over ifyou didn't remind him.

AUDREYI know. But if they're threethousand miles apart they'llnever see each other.Fletcher will never come toBoston and how can I send Maxcross-country to him?

.JERRYSo because your ex-husband isunreliable, we can't-'-

AUDREYI know, it's not logical, it'semotional. I'm sorry.

Pause.

JERRYI still want to marry you.

AUDREYAre you sure?

Jerry picks up the PHONE, pulls out a piece of paper,dials.

JERRY(into phone)

Mr. Crisitelli, JerryShe!ton... I hope I'm notcalling too late... Mr.Crisitelli, I'm afraid I haveto turn down your offer..'. Soam I . . . Well, I've fallen inlove with this beautiful womanin L.A. and she doesn't wantto leave and I won't leavewithout her... Well, thank youvery much... Yes, good-bye.

(hangs up)He wasn't there, but that's

1 the speech I would've made.

She smiles and KISSES him. The PHONE RINGS. Audreyanswers.

AUDREYHello...

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. MIRANDA'S OFFICE - NIGHT

AUDREYFletcher, where are you?We're getting ready to cut thecake.

FLETCHERUrn, actually, something hascome up. A problem on a newcaaa-- .

Miranda bites one of Fletcher's nipples.

FLETCHERA-h-h-h-!

AUDREYWhat happened?

FLETCHERNothing. I just nailed my•knee into the desk... Listen,I'm really sorry I can't 'makeit.

AUDREYMax is going to be sodisappointed.

FLETCHERI'll make it up to him, Ipromise. I'll pick him upfrom school tomorrow, okay?

AUDREYDo you want me to put him onthe phone?

Miranda starts "reeling in" the phone cord.

FLETCHERAh, no. I have to go.

AUDREYRight.

ANGRILY, she hangs up. Fletcher stares UNHAPPILY at thephone, before Miranda THROWS HIM BACK ONTO THE COUCH.

INT. AUDREY AND MAX'S DINING ROOM - NIGHT

WE PAN DOWN from banners reading HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MAX!. . . toa room full of guests... to a desultory five-year-old.

Audrey finishes lighting the candles on the homemade cake.

AUDREYAll right, birthday boy, makea wish.

Max doesn't respond.

AUDREY (CONT'D)C'mon, honey. It can beanything-- whatever you wantmost in the world.

When he .doesn't respond, she leans down to him..

AUDREY (CONT'D)Max, your dad is sorry. Hehad to work.

MAXHe said he was coming. Hepromised.

AUDREYYes, well, he... promiseshe'll see you tomorrow.

Max doesn't believe it. <

He turns his full attention to the candles on the cake. InVOICE OVER we hear what she does not.

MAX (V.O.)I wish, for just one day, Dadcouldn't tell a lie.

He takes a breath --and blows out all the candles. Astrange WIND blows the drapes and the wisp of smoke up, up,up... to the clock on the wall. It's 9:15.

CUT TO:

A clock on a wall. It's 9:15'. We are--

INT. MIRANDA'S OFFICE - NIGHT

PAN around Miranda's office, where the displaced sofa isadorned with Fletcher's shoes...

To the credenza, where Fletcher's pants hang...

To the lamp, where Fletcher's shorts swing...

To the desk, where a ravished Miranda lies next toFletcher. Superbly confident of the answer, she asks--

MIRANDAS o . . . was it good for you?

Without thinking, Fletcher responds in the most astonishingway possible-- he TELLS THE TRUTH.

FLETCHERI've had better.

Miranda turns to him in disbelief -- but it's nothingcompared to the LOOK OF SHOCK on Fletcher's face.

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE MIRANDA'S OFFICE - NIGHT

The door opens -- and the naked Fletcher is forcefullykicked out. He goes TUMBLING over a desk as a RAIN OFCLOTHES follow.

The door SLAMS SHUT again, leaving him without his pants.

A CLEANING LADY stares at him in shock, then takes herbroom, aims for his crotch, SWINGS.and. . .

INT. BEDROOM - FRIDAY MORNING

An alarm CLOCK RINGS. Fletcher BOLTS UP in bed. Withregret and wonder he remembers:

FLETCHER"I've had better?"

INT. FLETCHER'S BATHROOM - MORNING

Fletcher brushes his teeth, looks up at his reflection inthe mirror, mouth foaming.

FLETCHER"I've had better?!"

INT. HALLWAY OF FLETCHER'S APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING

Dressed for work, Fletcher waits for the elevator.

FLETCHER(laughing it off)

"I've had better?"

It arrives. He steps in.

INT. APARTMENT ELEVATOR - MORNING

The elevator is empty, except for Fletcher... and abeautiful young WOMAN.

FLETCHERNew in the building?

MODELI just moved in Monday.

FLETCHERAh. Well, you must allow meto give you the grand tour.

MODEL(she'sinterested)

Oh? Do you do that for allthe new tenants?

FLETCHERNo. Just the ones I want tobang like a drum.

Fletcher's face REGISTERS extreme SHOCK and...

INT. LOBBY OF APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING

We HEAR a SMACK off camera and a PING as the elevator dooropens. The model storms off and A STUNNED Fletcher stepsout, rubbing his freshly slapped face.

EXT. COURTROOM -, MORNING

A SHAKY Fletcher strides toward the courthouse... when heis accosted by a BEGGAR.

BEGGARAny change, Mister?

.FLETCHERAbsolutely.

But he continues walking.

BEGGARCould you spare some?

FLETCHERUnquestionably.

Fletcher walks faster, PUZZLED that he has answeredtruthfully. The beggar is even more puzzled.

BEGGARWill you?

FLETCHERNo.

BEGGARHow come?

FLETCHERBecause I resent yourpresence. You fill me with anunpleasant mixture of disgustand guilt. Further, I don'tbelieve you'll use the moneyfor food, but I believe you'lluse it for, at worst, drugs,or, at best, whiskey, or

. cigarettes. Also, I'm cheap.

As Fletcher heads up the stairs...

BEGGARJerkoff.

INT. COURTROOM - MORNING

A winded Fletcher joins Virginia at the respondent's table,

VIRGINIAYou look like you're having arough morning.

FLETCHERI've had better.

He WINCES as he recognizes the words. Then, an extremelywealthy, respectable industrialist, RICHARD COLE enterswith his attorney, DANA APPLETON, young, brisk, confident.

DANAGood morning, Fletcher.

FLETCHERDana. "

RICHARDAll right, Virginia, how muchwill it take to put an end tothis?

FLETCHERFifty per cent of your estate.

Richard is SHOCKED.

DANAFifty per cent? With a pre-nup and proof of adultery?What's your case?

FLETCHEROur case is simply this. . .

Fletcher opens his mouth to enlighten her -- but he CAN'TGET THE WORDS OUT. He tries to FORCE OUT SOUNDS, butsucceeds only in looking like a fish gasping on dry land.

DANA .Interesting, though based onyour track record, I expecteda little more.

Nearing panic, Fletcher whirls to his BRIEFCASE and grabsthe brief.

FLETCHER ..Wait! Wait! I've got it inwriting!

But when Dana tries to take the document, the astonishedFletcher finds himself PHYSICALLY UNABLE TO RELEASE IT.

DANALet go!

FLETCHERI'm trying!

He INVOLUNTARILY snatches the document away and IT PULLSHIM to a nearby TRASH CAN where he throws it out.

At this moment the BAILIFF calls.

BAILIFFAll rise for the HonorableJudge William Stevens.

DANAVery funny, Fletcher. Youwant to play hardball, I'mgame.

JUDGE STEVENS takes the bench.

JUDGE STEVENSCalling case BA 09395, RichardCole versus Virginia Cole.How're we doing this morning,counsel?

DANAFine, thank you.

JUDGE STEVENSAnd you, Mr. Reid?

FLETCHERWell, I'm a little upset abouta bad sexual episode I hadlast night--

Fletcher screeches to a standstill, suddenly aware of whathe just said. After an awkward silence--

JUDGE STEVENS(dryly)

Well, you're still young.It'll happen more and more.In the meantime, what do yousay we get. down to business?First, Mr. Reid, I see thatyour client was previouslyrepresented by Mr. Rand ofyour office.

FLETCHERYes, Your Honor.

JUDGE STEVENSI take it you're seeking tosubstitute in as counsel?

FLETCHERYes, Your Honor.

JUDGE STEVENSFine, fine. And for therecord, the reason is?

FLETCHERMr. Rand had severe ethicalobjections to my client'scase.

Fletcher is incredulous. Somehow his greatest asset in theworld, his mouth, has become his worst enemy.

JUDGE STEVENSI take it you don't share thesame ethical objections, Mr.Reid?

FLETCHERI have lower standards, YourHonor.

JUDGE STEVENSI see. Well, if Mrs. Colewants the substitution of counsel, I'll allow it. Isthat what you want, Mrs. Cole?

Virginia looks to the judge, then to Fletcher, whose unorthodox syle seemed so brilliant earlier.

VIRGINIA(unsure)

Yes?

JUDGE STEVENSFine.

VIRGINIA(aside, toFletcher)

What are you doing?

FLETCHER(worried)

I don't know. . (to judge, with somedesperation)

Your Honor, I'd like acontinuance!

JUDGE STEVENS "This case has already beendelayed several times, Mr.Reid.

FLETCHERI realize that, Your Honor,but I'd really, really, reallylike a continuance.

JUDGE STEVENSI'll have to hear good cause,counselor. What's theproblem?

FLETCHER'S P.O.V.

The ROOM begins to SPIN slowly -- then faster -- thenfaster -- until we wind up squarely on --

FLETCHER'S FACE

FLETCHERI can't lie!

JUDGE STEVENS(impatient)

Commendable, Mr. Reid, but I'mstill waiting for the goodcause. Now, do you have it or

. not?

' FLETCHER(truthful)

Not.

JUDGE STEVENSMotion for a continuancedenied. Is there any chanceof a settlement in this case?

DANAI don't think so, Your Honor.Mr. Reid made it abundantlyclear that the last thing inthe world he wanted was to --

FLETCHER(desperate)

SETTLE! SETTLE! SETTLE!

Dana and Mr. Cole look at Fletcher with surprise.

JUDGE STEVENSThere appears to have been achange in strategy. Let's goto my chambers and negotiate.

He BANGS the gavel.

INT. JUDGE STEVENS'S CHAMBERS - MORNING

Dana and an apprehensive Fletcher sit before the judge

DANAYour Honor, under the terms ofthe prenuptual agreement, ifMrs. Cole commits adultery,she is entitled to nothing.We have in our possession anaudiotape made by a licensedprivate investigator of anexplicit act of sexualcongress with a man who is nother husband.

JUDGE STEVENSSounds pretty damning, Mr.Reid.

FLETCHERIt certainly does.

DANAHowever, my client has nodesire to see his ex-wifedestitute. Against my advice,he's willing to offer her acash settlement of.two pointfour million dollars.

JUDGE STEVENSTwo four seems like a prettyfair offer, Mr. Reid.

FLETCHERFantastically fair.Phenominally fair. In fact,I'd say beyond fair, borderingon stupid.

Dana fumes. The judge finds Fletcher's boldnessrefreshing.

JUDGE STEVENSWhat are you suggesting, Mr.Reid? That Ms. Appleton'swillingness to proffer such anoffer betrays a lack of faithin her position?

FLETCHER(utterly sincere)

No, not at all. She's got myclient dead to rights. When

attorneys go to sleep atnight, they dream of having acase as strong as hers.

DANACan the sarcasm, Reid. Allright, I admit it -- I've seenyou make even the lamest casefly. But this time I haveyou. Even Clarence Darrowcouldn't explain this away.

She brandishes the audiotape.

JUDGE SAMIOANWell, Mr. Reid? without adynamite explanation, I'd sayyou're dead in the water.How's you client's story?

FLETCHERThe best that money can buy,Your Honor. •

JUDGE STEVENSStrong corroborating evidence?

FLETCHERWe have evidence that you arenot going to-believe.

Despite herself, Dana is beginning to look worried.

JUDGE STEVENSYou're pretty confident howthis trial is going to comeout, eh, Mr. Reid?

FLETCHER(hopeless) .

"Confident" is too weak aword, Your Honor. I amcertain what will happen if Itake this puppy to trial. Theverdict will be a stunning,humiliating defeat that willcut a spectacularly promisinglegal career off at the knees.

Fletcher is referring to himself, of course, but Danathinks he's speaking about her. She buckles.

DANAAll right! Double the offer!Four point eight! And not apenny more.

(venomous, toFletcher)

Bastard!

She storms out, leaving an astounded Fletcher behind.

JUDGE STEVENSYou are some negotiator, Mr.Reid. If your client has halfa brain, she'll jump at theoffer.

CUT TO:

VIRGINIANo!

We are --

INT. COURTROOM - MORNING

Fletcher has joined Virginia at the respondent's table

FLETCHERNo?! Mrs. Cole, this offerwas a miracle. I'm talkingabout a walking-on-water,Lazarus-rising-from-the-dead,find-no-line-at-the-friggin'-DMV miracle! You've gone fromtwo point four to four pointeight million in...

(checks hiswatch)

four minutes. Think of itthis way -- now you're gettingpaid seven hundred thou perschtupp!

• • •VIRGINIA

Mr. Reid, you convinced meyesterday -- I'm the victimhere, starved for affection,driven into the arms ofanother man--

FLETCHERSeven! •

VIRGINIA-- Seven other men. With thestory you came up with, Idon't think I can lose. Iwant to proceed.

FLETCHERMrs. Cole, you don't • .understand, I--

But before Fletcher can finish, the judge enters.

JUDGE STEVENSWell, Mr. Reid. Do we have asettlement?

Fletcher looks pleadingly at his client, but she is firm.He shakes his head unhappily. The judge is irritated.

JUDGE STEVENS (CONT'D)There's no settlement. Trialto start at one-thirty sharp.

He BANGS the gavel. Fletcher emits an involuntary whimper.

INT. HALLWWAY OF LAW OFFICES - MORNING

DAZED, Fletcher makes his way down the hall. Jane comestoward him wearing a hairstyle that resembles a nest. Hetries to avoid her, but...

JANEWhat do you think?

FLETCHER .I think you need help.

HORRIFIED, Fletcher hurries on. The heavyset Thomasambulates in his way. • - •

THOMASWhat's shakin', Fletcher?

FLETCHERYour cellulite, Tubster.

The now panicked Fletcher breaks into a run, passing Fred.

FREDHiya, Fletcher. How's theCole case going?

FLETCHER(not stopping)

'Straight into the crapper, youwuss, with my career rightbehind it.

PFletcher is RUNNING NOW, COVERING HIS EARS and SINGINGLOUDLY so as not to hear OTHER EMPLOYEE 'GREETINGS...

FLETCHERLA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!!

Fletcher speeds past--

• GRETAHi, boss. What's happeningwith--

FLETCHERDON'T ASK! FOR GOD'S SAKE,PLEASE DON'T ASK!

-- And races into his office.

INT. FLETCHER'S OFFICE - MORNING

He leans against the door, trying to catch his breath.•

FLETCHER,(pacing)

Don't panic. You can beatthis — it's all a matter ofwillpower.

He dives for his desk and rifles through it.

FLETCHERA test. . . Something small...Aha!

He holds up a BLUE PEN.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)Red. Red. All right. Focus,

(with greatdeliberation)

The color of this pen is • r--.R--. R--! The color of thispen is--blue! AAAAHH!

(burying hishead)

Ahhhh! One' tiny lie and Ican't say it!!

(suddenly sittingup)

' I'll write.it!

He takes a sheet of PAPER, his pen and writes "This peni s . . . " He tries to write an "R" but can't. He STRAINS.STRAINS HARDER. He's out of his chair, on the desk. Hisfeet KICK OVER OBJECTS on the shelves'behind him. Hefinally forces pen to paper. He looks down where he wroteinadvertently:

"This pen is blue."

FLETCHERNO, NO, NO, NO, NO! ! ! !

Greta enters to find--

FLETCHER running around the office, shaking the blue pen intthhee aaiirr..

GRETABoss, what's wrong?

FLETCHER. The pen is blue!! The pen is .

blue!! The GODDAMN PEN ISBLUE!!!

Almost weeping, he collapses into a chair. A moment --then Greta tentatively offers him a red pen.

GRETARed?

FLETCHER((bbiitttteerr))

OOhh,, tthhaatt''ss eeaassyy ffoorr yyoouu ttoosay?!

GRETAAre you all right?

FLETCHER(getting up)

I have to go home.

GRETAHome? Was the case settled?

FLETCHERNo. I have to be in court atone-thirty.

GRETAWell, then how can you.gohome?

FLETCHERII ddoonn''tt kknnooww,, II ddoonn''tt kknnooww!!!!!!

GRETAOkay.

(walking oneggshells)

Before I forget -- Rubin andDunn called. They want toknow where the Darvissettlement offer stands.

FLETCHERI only proposed a settlementto dick with them. I neverhad any intention of goingthrough with it. .

Not certain why her boss would .shoot himself in the foot,Greta nonetheless jots down his remarks.

GRETA'•...dick with them." Okay.Your accountant, Philip,ccaalllleedd ttoo rreemmiinndd yyoouu aabboouuttgetting together. .

FLETCHERI'd rather shave my ass andsit in vinegar..

GRETA(jotting down anote)

Got it. And your mothercalled again. Are you stillon vacation?

FLETCHER(emphaticallynodding "yes")

No.

GRETASo then you're here?

FLETCHER(emphaticallyshaking his head"no")

Yes.

GRETAI'm having a little troublefollowing you. what do I sayto your mom?

FLETCHER(resigned)

Tell her I'm a thoughtless sonwho'd rather spend ten hoursclogging the wheels of justicethan five minutes talking toher-- but only if she asks.You.might also add that shedeserves better, though I hopeto God you don't.

GRETAThanks for clearing that up.And that's it, except your excalled and asked when you werecowing over to see your son.

FLETCHER(remembers)

OHH! I'M SUCH A SHIT!!

He reacts, particularly stunned by this truth.

INT. VOLVO - MOVING / FLETCHER'S OFFICE - MORNING

Audrey is driving Max, who wears his new baseball uniformwhen her cellular PHONE RINGS. She picks it up.

We INTERCUT between car and office.

FLETCHERAudrey--

AUDREY'Hey, Fletcher. T waswondering if you were going tostill pick up Max after schooltoday.

FLETCHERI don't think I can. I had acase I was certain wouldsettle and it didn't. I haveto go to trial this afternoon,God help me.

AUDREY(not believinghim)

Right.

FLETCHERIt's true... I really do wantto see Max, today.

Fletcher considers what he just said, realizes it is true.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)How about that. I really do.

AUDREY(cynically)

But things keep coming up atthe last minute.

FLETCHERYes, but-this time it'sdifferent.

AUDREYI see. And how is that?

. •

FLETCHER(he walked intoit)

This time I'm telling thetruth.

AUDREYBut last night you weren't?

FLETCHERNo.

AUDREYWhat were you doing?

FLETCHERHaving sex.

AUDREY(barely holdingher temper),

It must have been with someonevery "special."

FLETCHERNo. It was with someone Idon't even like. But Ithought it would help mycareer and at the moment that

seemed more important thanattending my son's birthday!

AUDREY

My God!!

She SLAMS DOWN the phone.

INT. FLETCHER'S OFFICEFletcher BANGS THE PHONE against his head in frustration! '.

FLETCHERAHHHHHH!!I WHAT IS WRONG WITH

ME I ! I

EXT. FULGHAM KINDERGARTEN - MORNING

The Volvo parks.Audrey gets out. She leans over to say good-bye to herson. , .

MAXIs dad picking me up?

AUDREYNo, I'm sorry, Max. He can'tmake it. I will. I'll workit out.

Max is disappointed.MAX

I guess my wish didn't come •

true.AUDREY

What wish?

MAXI wished that, for just oneday, Dad couldn't tell a lie.

Max heads toward his teacher. Audrey is deeply moved.

INT. FLETCHER'S OFFICE

He's dialing the phone.FLETCHER

Answer, answer, answer...

INTERCUT WITH AUDREY'S CAR

AUDREYHello.

FLETCHERAudrey, let me explain.Something has happened to me--

AUDREYFletcher, something else isabout to happen to you.

FLETCHER.What do you mean?

AUDREYMax and I are moving toBoston.

FLETCHERWhat?!

AUDREYJerry asked me to marry him.He wants Max and I to fly withhim this weekend to pick out ahouse. And I'm going to go.God knows I don't have anyreason to stay here.

FFFLLLEEETTTCCCHHHEEERRR(panicking) .

Wait, you can't move! If youtake Max away... I'llpractically never see him.

AUDREYWell then you'll have prettymuch the same relationship youhave with him now.

FLETCHERAudrey, please.... Is thisbecause of what I just said onthe phone?

AUDREYThat was the straw and this isthe camel's back sayinggoodbye.

FLETCHERWhere are you?

AUDREYHeading home.

FLETCHERWhen you gee there, staythere. I'll be right over.We have to talk.

AUDREYFletcher--

FLETCHERI'll be right- there!

He hangs up and heads for the door. It opens and Mirandaenters.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)Aaaah!

MIRANDAFletcher. Fletcher, Fletcher,Fletcher. I must confess--after last night's incident, Iwas. . . hurt. So hurt. I wastempted to do whatever littlethings lie in my power toscuttle your chances of makingpartner.

FFlleettcchheerr iiss FFRRIIGGHHTTEENNEEDD..

MIRANDA (CONT'D)But then I thought, "No,that's not fair. Fletcherdidn't mean to insult me."

(straighteninghis tie)

"It was just some massive,boneheaded misunderstanding,and Fletcher is very, verysorry."

Fletcher smiles. It looks like he's off the hook, until--

MIRANDA (CONT'D)Isn't that right, Fletcher?

FLETCHER(in agony)

Uh -- not really, no.

MIRANDA(stunned, angry)

No? No?! What are yousaying? Have you no respectfor me?!

FLETCHERNone, whatsoever. I mean, I'dlike to respect you, and if itweren't for your mistreatmentof the associates, yourrudeness to the staff, and thefact that your work sucks, Iwould.

MIRANDABut -- what about last night?

FLETCHERI was afraid you wouldn'tsupport my partnership if Iturned you down. Plus, I havean immature need for sexualconquests.

INT. HALLWAY OF LAW OFFICES - MORNING

We HEAR A SMACK! The door flies opens -- and a furiousMiranda stalks off.

INT. FLETCHER'S OFFICE - MORNING

Fletcher rubs his freshly SLAPPED FACi..

INT. BMW - MOVING / EXT, STREET - MORNING

Fletcher speeds away. He pulls the blue pen from hispocket.

FLETCHERGotta focus. . . gotta focus.

He's so preoccupied that he speeds through a crosswalk andalmost hits an OLD MAN.

FLETCHERThe color of the pen is --red! .

But he hasn't regained the ability to lie -- he's referringto the RED LIGHT he just ran, nearly colliding with atruck. The DRIVER screams:

DRIVERWhat's your problem, schmuck?!

FLETCHER(the truth)

I'm an inconsiderate prick!

Fletcher once again focuses on the blue pen.

FLETCHER (CON "ID)C'mon, you can do this! Thecolor of the pen is -- RED!

This time he's referring to the flashing red light of aPOLICE CAR in his rearview mirror.

FLETCHERShit!!

Fletcher pulls over. A POLICE OFFICER strolls up.

POLICE OFFICERDo you know why I stopped you?

FLETCHERDepends on how long you werefollowing me.

POLICE OFFICERWhy don't we take it from thetop.

FLETCHER•• ((iinn aaggoonnyy))Here goes -- I didn't fastenmy seatbelt, I didn't glancein my rearview mirror, Ididn't signal when I pulledaway from the curb, I sped, Ifollowed too closely, I ran astop sign, I almost hit :aChevy Camaro, I almost hit ageezer, I sped some more, Ifailed to yield at acrosswalk, I changed lanes inthe intersection, I changedlanes without signalling, andI changed lanes in theintersection-withoutsignalling while running a redlight and speeding.

A long moment.

POLICE OFFICERMay I see your driver'slicense?

FLETCHERNo.

POLICE OFFICERAnd why is that?

FLETCHERIt's in my other pants.

POLICE OFFICERI see. And where are your •other pants?

FLETCHERHanging from my boss'scredenza.

POLICE OFFICERDo you expect me to believethat?

FLETCHERNo.

POLICE OFFICERDo you think I'm an idiot?

FLETCHERYes -- but that's beside thepoint! My license actually isin my other pants, and theyactually were hanging from acredenzaJ I wouldn't lie toyou! I mean, I would if Icould, but I can't!

POLICE OFFICERI see. So you ..have no reasonto try and hide your licensefrom me?

FLETCHERI didn't say that. I haveother reasons. Seventeenreasons, to be precise.

(begrudgingly,off theofficer's look)

Unpaid parking tickets.(beseechingly)

Be gentle.

EXT. AUDREY'S HOUSE - MORNING

A cab speeds up to the house. Fletcher runs out. Audrey isheaded to her car.

FLETCHERAudrey, wait!

AUDREYWait? You know, I just had aninsight into myself. I'mcrazy. You call me up and .tell me to wait here becauseyou'll be right over and --here's the crazy part -- Iactually wait.

FLETCHERI can explain--

AUDREYI missed a department meeting.I. . . Did you come in a cab?

FLETCHERYes.

AUDREYWhere's your car?

EXT, POLICE IMPOUND YARD - MORNING

Audrey finishes paying the impound-yard CASHIER and joinsFletcher, who is waiting alongside hundreds of towed cars.

FLETCHERThank you. . I can't tell youhow much this means to me.

AUDREYI can. One thousand, sixhundred, and fifty-fourdollars and eleven cents.

FLETCHEROw.

At this moment WE HEAR a hideous scraping noise -- and aTOW-YARD EMPLOYEE whips Fletcher's BMW into view and.parks... revealing a prominent new scrape on the door.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)You scratched my car!

TOW-YARD EMPLOYEEWhere? .

FLETCHERRight there!

TOW-YARD EMPLOYEEOh that? That was alreadythere.

FLETCHER(outraged)

Why, you -- you liar! Do youknow what I'm going to doabout this?

TOW-YARD EMPLOYEEWhat?

FLETCHER(angrier andangrier)

...Nothing! Because if I takeyou to small-claims court, itwill just drain eight hoursout of my life, and youprobably won't show up, and ifI finally got the judgmentyou'd just stiff me anyway, sowhat I'm gonna do is piss andmoan like an impotent jerk and

. then bend over and take it upthe tail pipe!

TOW-YARD EMPLOYEEYou've been here before,haven't you?

He flips Fletcher the keys and goes.

AUDREYWell I can't remember whenI've had more fun, now ifyou'll excuse me, I have aclass.

She starts out.

FLETCHERAudrey, wait. I want to talkto you about this Bostonsituation.

. AUDREYWhat do you want to say?

FLETCHERYou can't go. It's not fair.Taking Max three thousandmiles away is not fair.

AUDREYLet's define "fair." Last

• night a five-year old boy wascrushed because his fatherlied to him about coming tohis birthday party. Fair?

FLETCHERLast night--

AUDREY-- Was none of my business.When it happened two years agoit was my business, but now Idon't have to care anymore.See, that's the magic ofdivorce. But it does matterto Max. Everything you domatters to him... andeverything you don't do.

FLETCHERAll right-- now let me tellyou something...you'reabsolutely right. I'm guiltyof all charges. I'm throwingmyself on the mercy of your-court.

Audrey doesn't know what to say. Fletcher seems verysincere, but she can't trust him.

FLETCHER {CONT'D)I have an idea. I'll comeover tonight, right aftercourt lets out and play withMax. Have him invite somefriends over. We'll have agame and everything. Then,you and I can sit down andtalk.

AUDREYWe're suppose to be on a planetonight--

FLETCHERNo, Audrey. Just talk to meabout this first. Please.Audrey, I've lost you. Don'tmake me lose Max, too.

AUDREYYou're really coming?

FLETCHERThis is iron-clad. This isthe mother of all promises.WWhhaatt ttiimmee??

AUDREY...Six?

FLETCHERTen-to-six.

AUDREY(unsure)

All right... only if I tellMax you're coming and youdon't show up and I have tosee that look on Max's face --that heartbreaking look-- it'sBoston, Fletcher.

FLETCHER.I will be there.

As Audrey gets in her car -- .

AUDREYI hope so. Do you know whatyour son was doing at nine-ffiifftteeeenn llaasstt nniigghhtt?? HHee wwaassmaking a wish on his birthdaycake. He was wishing that,for just one day, his dadcouldn't tell a lie.

She drives away. Fletcher starts for his car, pensive,when a new thought strikes him.

FLETCHEROh my God! That-'s it! Aninnocent kid - - a heartfeltplea-- a birthday wish! Sure,it's impossible --but it'makes sense!..! If he can wishit, he can unwish it!

INT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL HALLWAY

Fletcher marches quickly down the hall, cake box under hisarm.

INT. MAX'S KINDERGARTEN CLASS

Ms. Berry's reading a story when Fletcher enters. Maxbrightens.

MAXDad!

MS. BERRYAre you Max's dad? I'm Ms.Berry, Max's teacher!

FLETCHERHi. Listen, I need to talk toMax--

MS. BERRYMr. Reid, we were just talkingabout careers. You're alawyer, aren't you?

FLETCHER(wary)

Yes.

MAXMr. Reid it'would be wonderfulfor the children to hearsomething positive aboutlawyers!

FLETCHERWell, actually-- •

MS. BERRYChildren! .Mr. Reid is goingto tell us what it's like tobe a lawyer.

She leads the kids in APPLAUSE. Fletcher takes centerstage. The children stare, rapt with attenion.

FLETCHERUh, hi. Uh, I'm a lawyer andI work at a big law firm witha lot of other lawyers and Ido stuff in a law court.Thank you.

He starts out.

MS. BERRYOne moment, Mr. Reid. Maybesome of the children havequestions

(hands shoot up)Jeffrey?

JEFFWhat kind of lawyer are you?

FLETCHERMostly, I'm a divorce lawyer.

BILLYWhat's that?

FLETCHERIt means if you're daddy leftyour mommy, he'd call me.

CRAIGSo what do you do?

FLETCHER(growing more andmore impatient)

I help people fight over theirmoney and their children.

THEODORECan't they fight without you?

FLETCHER ' "They could but then J wouldn'tmake a living.

JILLWhy would my daddy leave mymommy?

FLETCHERTo marry a younger woman. Toescape a loveless marriage andhave cheap meaningless sex.To cling to an illusion ofyouth as his body gives way tosore backs, flat feet, sparetires, gum disease, hair loss,liver spots, kidney stones,clogged arteries, diabetes,goiter and eventual death.

The kids EYES GO WIDE. A moment, then:

MS. BERRY(brightly)

Well, I think it's time forfingerpainting.

EXT. PLAYGROUND - DAY

They're in the playground just outside the classroom.

FLETCHERMonster-Max.

MAXDadzilla. You came to playcatch?

FLETCHERNo. I'd like to, but I can'tright now.

Max is disappointed again.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)I'm sorry I missed your partylast night. How was yourUncle Glen?

MAXStupid. His big nose andstupid orange hair...

FLETCHERThat's why he should have wornmake-up.

Fletcher elbows Max, playfully, trying to induce a laugh.Max doesn't laugh.

' MAX .I want to play kickball withmy friends.-

FLETCHERYeah, okay, urn... Your mothertold me about... the wish youmade last night. It cametrue.

Max is amazed.

MAXReally? You mean you have totell the truth?

FLETCHERYes.

MAXNo matter what?

FLETCHERNo matter what.

Max grins -- then suddenly asks, in rapid succession.

MAXIs wrestling real?

FFLLEETTCCHHEERRIn the Olympics, yes. On .Channel 23, no.

MAXWill sitting close to the TVset make me go blind?

FLETCHERNot in a million years.

MAXIf I keep making this face--

(makes a horribleface)

will it get stuck that way?

FLETCHERUh-uh.

MAX.If I go in the water rightafter lunch, will I drown?

FLETCHEROnly if you can't 'swim.

MAXWhy do I have to eat squash?

FLETCHERBecause your mom buys it.

MAXHow come you're always toobusy to play with me?

The sudden shift in tone startles Fletcher. He feelsawful.

FLETCHERI . . . I don't know. I'm...Hey,you know I'm coming overtonight. We're gonna playtogether.

MAXBaseball?

FLETCHER. Yes! This is absolutely anA-number one promise. You andI -- tonight -- baseball.

Fletcher and Max do their ritual "five" slap.

FLETCHERNow, listen, Max, I need afavor from you. I'm in alittle trouble today. I needyou to take that wish back.

MAXSo you can lie?

FLETCHERNot to you.

MAXTo who?

FLETCHERMax, sometimes grownups...need to lie. It's hard toexplain, but i f . . . Look,here's an example. When Mommywas pregnant with you, shegained a little weight.Seventy pounds. I thought shewas gonna give birth to a car.But she'd say to me "How do Ilook?" So I'd say, "Oh,honey, you're beautiful,you're glowing.11 Otherwise, Iwould've hurt Mommy'sfeelings. Understand?

Max nods.

MAXYou didn't think she wasbeautiful.

FLETCHERRight. No... Max, I don'tknow how to get along in thegrown-up world if I have tostick to the truth. I couldlose my case, I could lose mypromotion, I could even lose,my job... Do you understand?

Max shakes his head "no."

FLETCHER (CONT'D)Will you help me anyway?

A moment -- then Max reluctantly nods.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)That's my boy!

Fletcher opens the box, revealing a cake and candles.... Hetakes out two birthday hats. He puts one on Max and one onhimself.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)Now, do whatever you did lastnight... only this time, makean un-wish.

Not really happy, Max turns to the candles on the cake. Hetakes a breath-- and blows them out.

MAXI did it. ^

FLETCHERGreat! Great! Now to test --

Fletcher spots an attractive FEMALE teacher. Fletcherhurries to her and says something. A moment. Then sheSLAPS HIM.

Fletcher returns to his son.

MAXDid it work?

FLETCHER . .(rubbing his sorecheek)

Not like I'd hoped. Did youreally unwish it?

Max nods.

MAXOnly...

FLETCHEROnly what?

MAXYesterday, when I wished it, Ireally meant it. This timewhen I unwished it I only didit 'cause you told me to.

FLETCHER(losing patience)

Well, then do it again. Onlythis time, mean it.

MAXI can't.

FLETCHERWhy not?!

MAXBecause I don't want you tolie.

FLETCHERI explained this to you! Ihave to lie. Everybody lies!Mommy lies, even the wonderful

Jerry lies-- ' MAXBut you're the only one whomakes me feel bad.

. ' . • •

Fletcher is stunned by how much this hurts.

MS. BERRY(calling)

Max, recess 'is over, come onin.

MAXI have to go.

FLETCHERI am coming over, tonight,Max. You believe me, don'tyou?

Max hesitates, then nods.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)I'll see you tonight, buddy...That's a promise.

Max heads back to class. Fletcher picks up the cake, looksat it, then dumps it in a trash barrel.

EXT. SKYSCRAPER - DAY

A worried and preoccupied Fletcher is heading toward hisoffice building when a MACHO ATTORNEY passes by.

MACHO ATTORNEYYo, Fletcher! How's ithanging?

FLETCHERShort and shrivelled.

Fletcher hurries up the steps when he spots Philip. Heshields his face with his briefcase. Philip recognizes himanyway.

PHILIPFletcher! I'm still waitingfor your call. I guess youmust've lost my card --

FLETCHERNo --

PHILIPOr my phone was busy —

FLETCHERNo --

PHILIPOr you just forgot --

FLETCHERNo --

PHILIP(cannot bediscouraged)

Or something. So anyway,' whydon't you swing by my placearound seven-thirty!

Philip starts off, when Fletcher calls after himresolutely.

FLETCHERPhilip... I don't want to comeover to your house!

A long moment, then --

PHILIPFine! We'll go out! There'sthis new karaoke bar I've beendying to try. I'll pick youup at your office! Seven-thirty! !

And he runs off. Frustrated, Fletcher hurries on.

INT. OFFICE'S - DAY

Fletcher drags himself past Greta's desk. Miranda giveshim the stink-eye. Fletcher doesn't see her.

GRETADo you want your messages?

FLETCHERNo.

He goes into his office. Greta is concerned. She followshim in, leaving his door open.

INT. FLETCHER'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Fletcher collapses onto his couch. Greta enters.

GRETAAre you okay?

FLETCHERMy son hates me.

GRETANo! He loves you. I've seenyou together. You're hishero.

FLETCHEROh yeah? Last night at hisbirthday party, he made a•wish. That I wouldn't be ableto tell a lie for one wholeday.

GRETAKids...

FLETCHERIt came true.

GRETAWhat?

FLETCHERIt's true. Didn't it seem oddto you that I kept telling thetruth all morning?

GRETAWell, yeah, but...

(incredulous)You're telling me that youcan't lie.

FLETCHERThat's right! I am incapableof lying.

INT. OUTER OFFICE

Miranda is 'eavesdropping. A wicked gleam in her eye,

INT. FLETCHER'S OFFICE

GRETAJust today?

FLETCHERApparently until 9:15 tonight.It's a twenty-four hour curse.

GRETAYes, those are going around.

FLETCHERYou don't believe me.

GRETAOf course not.

FLETCHERGo ahead. Ask me somethingI'd normally lie about.

She thinks.

GRETAAll right. Remember a fewmonths ago, I wanted a raise--

FLETCHER(quickly)

Forget it. Let's not do this.

GRETA-- and the firm wouldn't.giveme one. And I asked you ifyou would give it to me out ofyour own pocket and you saidthe company wouldn't permit itbecause it creates jealousyamong the other secretaries?Was that true or did you justnot want to pony up the dough?

INT. OUTER OFFICE

Greta is emptying all her personal effects into boxes.She's leaving. Fletcher is on the phone and looks veryharras,sed.

FLETCHERGreta, please...

(into phone)Yes Judge Stevens, hi!..Fletcher Reid. I'm scheduledto be in your court in half-an-hour... Judge Stevens, Ibadly, badly need acontinuance. . . so I can gohome and stay there the restof the day...111? Am I ill?

He wants to say "yes", but he can't.

FLETCHERIn a way.

(covers themouthpiece)

Please, lie to him for me.

Greta holds up a framed photograph.

GRETAI remember when you. bought methis silver frame. FromTiffany's.

(questioning). . . Tiffany's?

FLETCHERJumbo's House of Junk.

She thrpws it in the trash and keeps packing.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)I'll give you the raise!

GRETA(gives him thefinger)

Here's your raise.

FLETCHER(into phone)

Hi, Judge Stevens?... Yes, Iknow I haven't given you areason.

The PHONE RINGS.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)(into phone)

But if you could just do thisfor me, I--

The phone won't stop ringing. . • '

FLETCHER (CONT'D)Hold on, please,

(pushes twobuttons)

Hello... Mom!!

The phone flies into the air. He catches it.

FLETCHER {CONT'D)Mom... Well, I wasn't actuallyon vacation... Because Ididn't want to talk to you...Because you insist on talkingto me about Dad's bowelmovements -- size, color,frequency... I'll call youlater... No, not really.

He pushes -two more buttons. Then SCREAMS.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)Oh dammit! I cut him off! Icut off the Judge! Greta...

He falls to his knees.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)I'm on my knees in a ninehundred dollar suit. Don'tleave.

Greta stops. She seems to consider.

GRETAA few years ago a friend ofmine had a burglar up on herroof.

FLETCHERYes?

GRETA . .A burglar. -He fell throughthe kitchen skylight andlanded on a cutting board on abutcher's knife, cutting hisleg. He sued my friend. The

burglar sued my friend.Thanks to guys like you-- hewon. My friend had to pay himsix thousand dollars. Is thatjustice?

FLETCHERNo. . . but what' s your poijit!

GRETAMy point is, it's hard to getjustice. But this is justice,

(pinches hischeek)

Have a nice day in court,bubbie.

She leaves. Fletcher starts to give chase...

FLETCHERGreta--

He runs directly into Miranda.

FLETCHERAaaah!

Miranda smiles like a cat that's trapped a mouse.

MIRANDAAh, Fletcher, so nice to bumpinto you. Are you busy?

FLETCHERExtremely.

MIRANDAGood. Would you follow me,please?

Highly nervous, Fletcher follows Miranda down the hall.

MIRANDA (CONT'D)Fletcher, did you know thatthe partnership committee isbeing headed up by Mr. Allanhimself?

(off his warynod)

Say, you used to work directlyfor Mr. Allan, didn't you?

(off his wariednod)

Tell me, what do you think ofhim?

FLETCHER(helpless)

He's a pedantic,pontificating, pretentiousbastard, a belligerent oldfart, a worthless, steamingpile of cow dung.

MIRANDA(grinning)

How delightful!

She swings open a door, ushering Fletcher into --

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

The room is filled with ATTORNEYS, including MR. ALLAN,the founder himself. Fletcher freezes.

MIRANDAPardon me for interruptingyour, meeting. Mr. Allan, youremember Fletcher Reid.

MR. ALLAN•It's good to see you again,Fletcher. '.

An involuntary WHIMPER from Fletcher.

MIRANDAOh, that's right. You used towork together. .Tell me, whatdo you think of Mr. Allah?

Fletcher gulps. This is it. His career is history. He'strying to hold it back, but--

MIRANDAI said... What do you think ofMr. Allan?

FLETCHER .He's a pedantic,pontificating, pretentiousbastard, a belligerent oldfart, a worthless, steamingpile of cow dung.

DEAN SILENCE. Then --Mr. Allan bursts into raucousLAUGHTER. He is joined by everyone except Miranda, wholooks on, STUNNED. Everyone pounds the table in hysterics.

MR. ALLANMarvelous! Marvelous! That'swhat I love most about thisfirm-- the collegialatmosphere, the hearty good-fellowship!

Miranda is incensed.

MR. ALLAN (CONT'D)And thanks for those flowersfor my anniversary. My wifeloved them.

FLETCHERWell, I'm due in court... bye-bye.

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Fletcher exits the conference, closes the door, breathes asigh of relief, then FAINTS. .

INT. COURTROOM

CLOSE UP of Fletcher, seated alone at a table. His handsare on his-face. He looks totally dazed. At the othertable, sit Dana Appleton and Mr. Cole.

BAILIFFAll rise.

They do. Judge Stevens enters. He sits. Everyone sits.

JUDGE STEVENSCounselors, are we ready tobegin?

FLETCHER(eagerly and alittle tooloudly)

No sir! We are not ready tobegin. My client has notarrived.

The doors OPEN and Virginia Cole enters with her CHILDRENand a NANNY.

FLETCHER • .-- until now.

He collapses into his chair.

(to Falk, withdetermination)

Did you and Mrs. Cole evermake lo-- forni-- roll in theh-- make the beast with twoba-- Did you two ever fu--fu-- Fu!

He begins to hyperventilate. Virginia turns to Falk.

VIRGINIAWater! Get him water!

Falk hurries into the building as Fletcher hacks on.

FLETCHERFu-- fu--

/

VIRGINIASit down! Get some air!

(slaps him on theback)

Try to relax! Breathe deeply!

Falk hurries out with a cup, hands it to Fletcher, whodowns it in one gulp -- then spews it out again, SCREAMINGin PAIN. -

VIRGINIA (CONT'D)What?! What?!

FALKI couldn't find any water, soI got him coffee!

Fletcher runs up and down the steps, frantically fanninghis scalded mouth. The bailiff appears.

BAILIFFJudge is taking the bench.

Fletcher's expression turns to terror.

INT. COURTROOM - DAY

The judge settles in. Mr. Allan and a smug Miranda look onfrom the gallery.

JUDGE STEVENSYou may proceed, Mr. Reid. .

Everyone turns to Fletcher in anticipation. In a voicequaking with fear...

VIRGINIASorry. One of the kids threwup in the car.

Virginia takes her seat, leaving her two young childrensitting dejectedly in the gallery with their nanny.

FLETCHER(incredulouswhisper)

You brought your kids. . . toyour divorce?

VIRGINIA(by way ofexplanation)

Sympathy.

FLETCHERWell, it's working. I feelsorry for them already.

The judge BANGS the gavel.

JUDGE STEVENSMs. Appleton, you may begin.

CUT TO:

Dana Appleton questions BRYSON, a private investigator.Fletcher watches with mounting anxiety, NERVOUSLY DRINKSfrom a GLASS OF WATER at his table.

BRYSON(referring to hisnotes)

-- From March six through Junetwelve, I surveilled Mrs. Coleat the behest of Mr. Cole.During that period, I notedthat Mr. Cole left each daybetween seven-forty and seven-fifty. Thereafter, Mrs. Colewould frequently have a malevisitor arrive and stay forone to four hours. I was ableto take several photographs ofthe male visitor.

He shows a photo --of a strapping hunk. Fletcher TAKES AHUGE DRINK. .

DANAI see. And do you .know whatMrs. Cole and her male visitor

did during their frequent...visits?

BRYSONWell, they were pretty goodabout keeping the shades drawn-- but I sure was able tohear. I made an audiotape ofone such., "session."

He hands her the tape. Fletcher refills his glass.

DANAWith the Court's permission, Iwould like to play the tape.

FLETCHERYour Honor, I object!

JUDGE STEVENSAnd why is that, Mr. Reid?

FFLLEETTCCHHEERR(can't helphimself)

Because it's devastating to my•case.

The judge is startled by his candor.

JUDGE STEVENSOverruled..

As Dana pops the tape into a player, Fletcher anxiouslyDOWNS THE GLASS.

Periodically CUTTING to Virginia, Mr. Cole, Dan and thethirsty Fletcher, we hear Virginia and her visitor engagedin intense physical activity.

MALE VISITOR (O.S.)So, what did you say? Youready?

VIRGINIA (O.S.)Oh boy am I ready.

MALE VISITOR (O.S.)Good. Let me help you offwith that. Come on, lie down.

VIRGINIA (O.S.)Wait a minute. Do you haveprotection?

MALE VISITOR (O. S. )Right here. Okay, now I 'mgonna show you something new.

VIRGINIA (O.S.)Oh, I've never done it likethis before. . • .

MALE VISITOR (O.S.)Don't worry, you can take it.Oh yeah. That's it. Thereyou go. Yes! Yes!

WE HEAR labored rhythmic breathing.

MALE VISITOR (O.S) (CONT'D)Yes, yes, yes --

As Dana fast-forwards again, then resumes... with stillmore labored breathing, building intensity and --

MALE VISITOR (O.S.) (CONT'D)Oh yeah, bring it on .home --yes! Yes! Yes!

VIRGINIA (O.S.)Yes! YES! YES!

The groans reach their incredible climax. There's a stillmoment. . .

As the shy COURT REPORTER, the macho BAILIFFS and the no-nonsense judge all mop their brows, Dana shuts off thetape. She turns to Fletcher with a satisfied smile.

DANAYour witness.

FLETCHERNo questions.

JUDGE STEVENSNo questions? .

VIRGINIANo questions?

FLETCHER(afraid to askany)

No questions.

DANA(triumphant)

Petitioner rests.

JUDGE STEVENSAll right, Mr. Reid. You mayproceed.

FLETCHER(to himself)

How?!

Gathering his courage, he stands, downs the last of hiswater, and moves to the lecturn. He's about to speak...when a WONDERFUL FEELING sweeps through him.

After a momement, he grins.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)Would the Court be willing togrant me a short bathroombreak?

JUDGE STEVENSIt can't wait?

FLETCHERNot unless you want to mop up.

JUDGE STEVENS(frustrated)

All right, but get back inhere immediately so .we canfinish this.

Fletcher beams. Then necessity compels him to race out.

INT. REST ROOM - DAY

Fletcher stands before the urinal, taking the longest leakin legal history. Relief. Then, he looks at his watch.It's only 4:15. '

FLETCHERWhat did I think? That Icould piss for forty-fiveminutes?!

He HITS HIS FOREHEAD in frustration... and gets an idea.He HITS HIMSELF AGAIN and AGAIN, SMASHES HIS HEAD INTO THEWALL, POKES HIMSELF IN THE EYES, YANKS ON HIS EARS, finallyKNOCKS HIMSELF IN THE STALL, where he continues his attack.

A MAN enters, hears a commotion from behind the stall door.

MANWhat's going on in-there?

FLETCHER (O.S.)I'm abusing myself! Do youmind?!

The man looks disgusted. He carefully leaves the room.

INT. COURTROOM - DAY

The judge is PISSED. Suddenly the bailiff helps in theseverly beaten Fletcher. The entire courtroom is SHOCKED.

BAILIFFI found him like this in thebathroom. Somebody beat thehell out of him.

JUDGE STEVENSWho did this?

FLETCHER(truthfully)

A madman, Your Honor.. Adesperate fool at the end ofhis pitiful.rope.

JUDGE STEVENS-What did he look like?

FFLLEETTCCHHEERR(describinghimself)

About five eleven, hundredeighty-five pounds, crazedlook in his eye.

JUDGE STEVENSBailiff, have the deputiessearch the building.

A HUBBUB rises. He bangs the gavel.

JUDGE STEVENS (CONT'D)Under the circumstances, Ihave no choice but to recessthis case until tomorrowmorning at nine.

Fletcher smiles serenly -- until --

JUDGE STEVENS (CONT'D)-- Unless, of course, youthink you can still proceed?

Fletcher covers his mouth in a desperate attempt to avoidanswering, but he can't repress the truth.

JUDGE STEVENS (CONT'D)Can you?

FLETCHERYes, I can.

JUDGE STEVENSSplendid. I admire yourcourage, Mr. Reid. I'll giveyou a few minutes to composeyourself, and then we'll getstarted.

Fletcher looks as if he has just been sentenced to death.

EXT. COURTHOUSE STEPS - DAY

Fletcher sits on the courthouse steps, miserable. PHONERINGS.

FLETCHERHello.

INTERCUT WITH MAX AT HOME. AUDREY IS THERE.

MAXDad...

FLETCHER(summoning upenthusiasm)

Maxi-pad. How's it going?

MAXGreat. You know Paul andEmanuel from across thestreet?

FLETCHERThe twins.

MAX .(excitedly)

Well, they never want to playbaseball with me, but I toldthem I was gonna play tonightwith my Dad, so now they wantto play with us. Is it okay?

FLETCHERSure.

MAXOh boy. We're setting up awhole field in the yard.Where we buried Petey thehamster is second base.

(Fletcher sighs)You're still coming right?'

FLETCHER(sees Virginiaapproaching)

I'11 be there. I gotta gonow, Max. I'll see you in twohours.

Max hangs up.

MAX(to Audrey)

He's really coming.

She smiles, but she's worried. .

COURTHOUSE STEPS•

Virginia approaches with her handsome lover, LAURENCE FALK.

VIRGINIAMr. Reid, you rememberLaurence Falk, the man fromthe tape.

FALKHow are you?

FLETCHERI've slipped into the seventhcircle of Hell, thank you, andyou?

Virginia exchanges an anxious look with Falk.

VIRGINIAShouldn't we go over ourtestimony?

FLETCHERWell, basically the plan is Iwalk you through the tape stepby step, I ask you questions--

VIRGINIAAnd we give the explanationyou came up with.

FLETCHERExactly.

FALKSo all we have to do is lie.Sounds simple enough.

FLETCHERDoesn't it? And I'll finishup with a dramatic series ofquestions, something like..."Mr. Falk, isn't it true thatyou and Mrs. Cole have nevermade lo--"

But Fletcher GAGS. He CAN'T GET THE QUESTION OUT. Theothers look concerned, but he waves them off.

FLETHCER (CONT'D)Sorry. I'm fine. "Mr. Falk,isn't it true that you andMrs. Cole have never made lo--IO-.H

To his horror, he GAGS AGAIN, .unable to form the word.

FLETCHER(to himself)

Oh my God! I can't do it! Ican't finish the question if Iknow the answer is a lie!

At this moment Miranda and Mr. Allan come up the steps.

MR. ALLANDon't let me interrupt,Fletcher. I just want you toknow I'll be observing thisafternoon. Miranda insisted Isee you in action.

Fletcher shoots a hateful look at Miranda. She smiles.

MR. ALLAN (CONT'D)I'm looking forward to it. Goget 'em!

Mr. Allan and Miranda head into the building, leavingFletcher more desperate than before.

FLETCHERC'mon! Gotta rephrase thequestion!

FFLLEETTCCHHEERRRespondent calls... LawrenceFalk.

Fletcher's clears his throat. Here goes...

FLETCHERMr. Falk, do you know myclient, Virginia Cole?

FALKYes.

FLETCHERIsn't it true that yourrelationship with my client isentirely platonic, not?

The "not" was INVOLUNTARY. It takes everyone by surprise.

FALKExcuse me?

FLETCHERIf I might rephrase yourHonor.

(trying again)Is your relationship with myclient entirely patonic, not?Is your relationship with mycclliieenntt nnoott eennttiirreellyy ppllaattoonniicc??Is not your relationship withmy client entirely platonic?

(thinks he's gotit, beams withconfidence)

Mr. Falk, is not yourrelationship with my cliententirely platonic?

FALK(confused)

No. I mean, yes. I think.

FLETCHERYes, is your relationship withmy client not entirelyplatonic, or yes, is not yourrelationship with my cliententirely platonic?

FALKWhat?

x\

FLETCHERHow 'bout just answering thequestion you think I'm asking? '

DANAYour Honor, he's badgering thewintness!

JUDGE STEVENSIt's hig witness!

FLETCHERDid you ever not make lo--Did you not ever make lo--

(losing it)YOU HAD SEX WITH HER EVERYTIMEYOU MET, DIDN'T YOU? DIDN'TYOU?!!

Falk looks shaken as Fletcher barrels on, unable to stop

FLETCHER(screaming athim)

ADMIT IT! YOU .SLAMMED HER!!YOU STOKED THE FUR FIRE! YOU-DID THE YAM DANCE! !

FALK(breaking down)

YES, YES,-- IT'S TRUE! IHUMPED HER. BRAINS OUT! !

A GASP from the audience. All eyes are on Fletcher.

FLETCHER(weakly)

No further questions.

DANAUh...no questions.

JUDGE STEVENS(to Fletcher)

Call your next witness.

FLETCHERI have no further witnesses,your Honor.

A MURMUR erupts from the crowd.

JUDGE STEVENSYou have no furtherwitnesses?!

Fletcher meekly shakes his head, no.

VIRGINIA(whispers, toFletcher)

What are you doing? Call me.

FLETCHER(to Virginia)

I can't.

JUDGE STEVENSMr. Reid?

VIRGINIACall me, damn it!

FLETCHERYou don't understand. I can'tlie. Until nine-sixteentonight, I can't even.ask aquestion that calls for a lie!

Virginia GRABS HIM BY THE TIE, pulls him CLOSE to her face.

VIRGINIAListen, you bastard. I wantmy money. I am not gonna windup a 31 year old divorce onwelfare because my scum bagattorney had a sudden attackof conscience!

Fletcher suddenly stops -- focused on something Virginiasaid.

FLETCHER(to himself)

Thirty-one?

JUDGE STEVENSMr. Reid, we're not gettingany younger...

Fletcher quickly looks at the blowup of Virginia's prenupand her passport.

JUDGE STEVENS(he's had it)

Mr. Reid you have presentedvirtually nothing in the wayof evidence and as such I haveno choice but to rule in favorof --

FLETCHERWAIT!

Silence.

FLETCHER • .(dramatically)

Your Honor, I call VirginiaCole to the stand.

Stunned, Virginia nervously makes her way up,

MR. ALLAN(in the gallery)

What the hell is he doing?

MIRANDAKissing his career goodbye.

The Baliff stands before the witness.

BALIFPDo you swear to tell thetruth, the whole truth andnothing but the truth, so help-you God?

VIRGINIAI do.

Fletcher approaches,. CONFIDENT NOW, COCKY.

FLETCHERMrs. Cole -- may I call youVirginia?

VIRGINIAYes.

FLETCHERBut that would be a lie,wouldn't it?

VIRGINIAWhat do you mean?

FLETCHERIsn't your true name...

(brandishingpassport)

Carlotta?!

VIRGINIAWell, yes. But it wasn't meso I started using Virginia.Is there anything wrong withthat?

FLETCHER • .Not really. It's just thefirst and smallest in thetissue of lies that is theKleenex of your life. Let'stake one simple document as asample of your veracity, shallwe, Carlotta?

He grabs her purse from the desk, rifles through it,

FLETCHERYour driver's license. Whatcolor are your eyes?

VIRGINIABlue.

FLETCHERTrue blue? What if I askedyou to remove your contactlenses? What color would theybe then?

VIRGINIA(reluctantly)

Brown.

FLETCHERAnd here it says you're ablonde. Are you?

(off her silence)C'mon, Carlotta, there's avery easy way for us to check.If you don't remember, perhapsMr. Falk will.

VIRGINIABrunette.

FLETCHERMore like a dirty brown, isn'tit?

(she nods)Let's see - . - " Weight: one-o-five"? Please...

VIRGINIA .One-eighteen.

(off his look)One-twenty-six. I swear!

FLETCHERSo on this single document,you basically lied at everyopportunity. I'm sure a womanas vain as you would also lieabout her age. It says youwere born in 1964. What's thetruth? 1962? '60? How youngdid you try to make yourself?

VIRGINIA(joyfully)

Wrong! I didn't lie to makemyself younger. I made myselfolder. I was born in 1965!"

FLETCHER(feigningsurprise)

What? You're trying to tellus you lied to make yourselfolder?

VIRGINIAYes! "* lied so I could getmarried! So .there Mister 'Igot-all-the-answers-because-I-went-to-law-school'!

JUDGE STEVENSMr. Reid, does this have apoint?

FLETCHEROh, you bet it does, yourHonor!

(on a roll)My client lied about her agebecause she was only 17 whenshe got married. Which makesher a minor. And in the greatstate of California, NO MINORCAN ENTER INTO A LEGALCONTRACT WITHOUT PARENTALCONSENT INCLUDING--

DANA(defeated, toherself)

Prenuptual agreements.

FLETCHER(knows he hasthem)

PRENUPTUAL AGREEMENTS! THANKYOU VERY LITTLE! Thiscontract is void!!! The factthat my client gets nailed •more often than a two-by-fouris irrelevant. Standardcommunity property applies andthis woman is entitled to halfof the marital assets orthirty-seven point three-nine-five million dollars!!

(to Dana)You. . . . are . . . . TOASTTTTT! ! !

(dramatically)Nothing further, your Honor!

A MURMUR OVERTAKES THE ROOM!/

JUDGE STEVENS(banging hisgavel)

Quiet! Let me see-the licenseand birth certificate.

All is quiet while the Judge reviews the documents. Then:

JUDGE STEVENSIInn lliigghhtt ooff tthhiiss nneeww eevviiddeennccee,,the court must rule in favorof the defense. Mrs. Cole ishereby awarded half of themarital assets -or thirtyrsevenmillion three hundred andninety-five thousand dollars.

The courtroom ERUPTS. FLETCHER'S WON! Dana, Mr. Cole aredevastated. '

MR. ALLANThat son of bitch pulled itoff!

Mr. Allan gives Fletcher a thumbs-up; simultaneously,Miranda gives him the finger.

JUDGE STEVENSOrder! Order!! Now iunderstand both parties haveagreed to joint custody. Isthat correct?

FLETCHER AND DANAYes--

VIRGINIANo! I'm contesting custody.

Fletcher freezes.

FLETCHERWhat?

VIRGINIA(re: her husband)

Payback. For him trying toprevent me from collecting mythirty-seven million.

FLETCHERHe was entitled to preventyou. You committed adultery.'You only won because you're aliar, remember? .

VIRGINIANo. You pointed out that myhusband took advantage of apoor underage girl. I was thevictim here. And now I'mgoing to hit him where ithurts.

FLETCHERBut -- but -- you said he wasa good father.

JUDGE STEVENSMr. Reid? Do we have anagreement on custody or not?

Fletcher takes a distressed look at the children.

FLETCHERNo. .

JUDGE STEVENSIn that case, there will be acustody hearing tomorrowmorning at nine. Court isadj ourned!

He BANGS THE GAVEL. Everyone gets up, but Fletcher'sattention is drawn to a commotion between Virginia and herkids.

V,.,--'

VIRGINIAStop that! We're leaving now!

CHILDI want to go with Daddy.

Fletcher watches, horrified, as she drags the kids awayfrom their tearful father.

MR. COLEDon't worry. I'll see you nomatter what. I promise.

Mr. Allan has made his way up to Fletcher.

MR. ALLAN(re: thecommotion)

I love kids. They give you somuch leverage in a case likethis.

(pats Fletcher onback)

Congratulations, partner. howdoes it feel?

And with that question asked, as he watches poor Mr. Coleand his kids, the truth dawns on Fletcher like asledgehammer!

FLETCHER 'Excuse me. Just a second.

(to the Judge)Your Honor? Your Honor?Wait!

JUDGE STEVENSWe',re adjourned, Mr. Reid.

FLETCHERScrew that!! She lies and shewins?! What are we, nuts?

Everyone stops, watches Fletcher.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)This woman --my client --goes down with the frequencyof a nuclear submarine and wejust gave her thirty sevenmillion dollars because she'sa liar! And now as an extraadded little bonus, we'regoing to let her steal, thekids, too?

JUDGE STEVENSMr. Reid, you are out oforder!

FLETCHER(screaming)

• SO'S THE HAND DRYER IN THEMEN'S ROOM!! Do you ever stopto ask yourself, why do peoplehate us? Could it be becausewhat we did here today sucks?!We don't care about the truth!We don't want to find thetruth! We want to win! Wewant to win at all costs...andyou know what the worst thingabout wanting to win so badlyis? WINNING! Winning andfinding out you're left withnothing!

JUDGE STEVENSThat's enough, Mr. Reid --

FLETCHER-Let' s see what I' ve donetoday. I've helped a golddigging slut get richer. I'mtaking this guy's kids away.

(to Mr. Allan)I don't like you in the least,now I'm one of your partners!YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT IT FEELSLIKE MR. ALLAN? IT FEELS LIKESHIT! BUT TO TELL YOU ITFEELS LIKE SHIT, FEELS FUCKINGGREAT 1 I

Fletcher does feel strangely fantastic. Free,

JUDGE STEVENSThat's it, Mr..Reid. I findyou in contempt!

FLETCHERGOOD! I'M CONTEMPTIBLE! MYWHOLE GODDAMN LIFE IS JUST ONEBIG FAT FIB! YOU LIKE MYHAIR? --

(mussing hair)MOUSSED! SHOULDERS --

(ripping outpads)

PADDED! SHOES --

(kicking themoff)

LIFTED! TEETH --((ppuulllliinngg oouuttccaappss))

CCAAPPPPEEDD!! FFIIVVEE--NNIINNEETTYY AACHICKLET!!

COMMOTION in the court. The judge BANGS HIS GAVEL!!!

JUDGE STEVENSBailiff! Remove Mr. Reid fromthe courtroom!

FLETCHERYou wanna know the truth? Ohyeah, let's let it rain... Thetruth is is that I've tradedmy life...a beautiful wife, anincredible son for THIS PISSPOT OF BIG DOUBLE O'S!

The bailiff grabs Fletcher, forces him out...

FLETCHERGO AHEAD, YOUR HONOR, BANGYOUR GAVEL .-- KEEP TELLINGYOURSELF YOU'RE A BIG SHOT! DOI SENSE A CASE OF GAVEL ENVY!!WHAT'S THAT UNDER YOUR ROBE --INSUFFICIENT EVIDENCE?!!

(the judge isturning beetred)

. I TOUCHED A NERVE DIDN'T I?WE'RE ALL A BUNCH OF BULLSHITARTISTS!! IS THAT THE TRUTHIN YOUR PANTS OR ARE YOU JUSTHAPPY TO SEE ME??

Fletcher is pushed passed Mr. Allan.

MR. ALLANYou just killed your career.I hope you're happy.

FLETCHERI'M BEYOND HAPPY MY BUTT FACEDFRIEND--- I'M EUPHORIC!

EXT. AUDREY'S PORCH -'DAY

A sad Max is seated on the steps. TWO other BOYS are therewith baseball equipment.

PAULWe're going home.

EMMANUELYeah, thanks for the greatggaammee,, MMaaxx..

Emanuel knocks Max's hat off. Audrey's been watching fromthe door. She goes and sits by her son.

AUDREYMax, honey. Your dad had avery big case today. Itprobably just--

MAXI don't want to talk about it.

AUDREYOkay.

MAX(suddenly)

I hate dad! I hate him!

AUDREYHoney, don^t say that.

Max is really upset. It's "that look" and then some. Thelook Audrey never wanted to see again. She makes adecision.

AUDREYMax, there's something I-wantto talk to you about. . .

INT. JAIL AREA

Fletcher's handcuffed and is led to jail by TWO OFFICERS-.There's a happy/crazedness to him now. The truth ispouring forth, but he looks way, way off the deep end.

(desperately,passing a phone)

Phone call!! Phone call!! Iget to make a phone call!!

INT. AUDREY'S KITCHEN -- DAY

Max and Audrey at the table. The airline tickets Jerrygave her are in front of them.

MAXWhen would we move?

AUDREYSoon. My semester's almostover. You only have a weekleft of school... You likeJerry don't you?

(he nods)So what do you say, should wecheck it out? Jerry wants usto come with him tonight. Hehas to pick out a place tolive and he really wants ourhelp?

MAXCould I get a sled for when itsnows?

AUDREYOf course you can.

Max thinks, then:

MAXOkay.

INT. JAIL

Fletcher's holding a phone. He's frantic, now.

FLETCHER(re: ringingphone)

Answer! Answer!! Answer!! !%

The phone RINGS, Audrey answers it.

AUDREYHello. .

INTERCUT FLETCHER/AUDREY

FLETCHERAudrey! It's Fletcher--

AUDREY(pissed)

I can't talk now, Fletcher.We have to pack.

FLETCHERWait, the most amazing thing'shappened to me! I am feelingso good...

(realizing)Pack?! Did you say pack?!

AUDREYMax was sitting on the porchagain, waiting for his dad. Iwon't let you do this to himanymore. I won't let you dothis to me.

FLETCHERAudrey, wait. Please, I needto talk to you. I .swear, I'ma changed man. Just come tothe courthouse with a thousandddoollllaarrss aanndd bbaaiill mmee oouutt......HHeelllloo??

(to a cop)One more call!! I needanother call!!

INT. JAIL CELL - DAY

Fletcher is pacing back and forth. A GROUP OF TOUGHPRISONERS are on the far side of the cell, trying to stayas far away from Fletcher as they can.

FLETCHERAnd what about our watersupply? You don't think "theman's" dumped enough toxins torender every dick in this cellas lifeless as a beachedminnow? You're damn rightJ"The man" does anything hewants. We're nothing butpuppets... Little game piecesthey move back and forth.

A DEPUTY appears. '

DEPUTYMr. Reid. ^

FLETCHERThat's me. Fletcher T. Reid.Pawn no. 332-154-9867.

DEPUTYYou made bail. Some woman.

INT. OUTER AREA

Fletcher rushes in.

FLETCHERAudrey?

(he spots)Greta?!

GRETAAm I too late? Have you beensexually molested yet? Icould circle the block.

FLETCHERGreta! Greta!! . . . . Look atyou, you well preserved,underpaid, overworked,underappreciated thing you.Give me a hug! You came andgot me out!! Hug me!!

GRETA(totally wierdedout)

Yes, well, I heard you wentall noble in front of Mr.Allan so--

FLETCHERYou know what?! I love you.I loveyouloveyouloveyou. Iwant to hug you. Come here..,

GRETAMr. Reid, what has gotten intcto you?!

FLETCHERJust the truth, Greta.Fifteen years of being stuckin a lie is nowhere near aspowerful as one day of beingstuck in the truth.

(checks hiswatch)

Oh, my God!! I have to go!Thanks again, Greta!

(as he runs offhe calls back toher)

By the way, the truth is thatI need you and I couldn't filea paperclip without you!

Greta smiles, then catches herself, and quickly regains her"composure".

CUT TO:

EXT.STREETS/INT. BMW

Fletcher's driving like a madman...

FLETCHER(on his phone)

Answeransweransweranswer...

We HEAR a RECORDED VOICE:•

VOICEThe subscriber you called iseither unavailable or outsidethe calling area.

FLETCHERShit!!

INT. LAX UNITED TERMINAL - DAY

Audrey and Max meet Jerry by the ticket counter. Max iswearing the Dodger cap his dad gave him. Jerry surpriseshim with a Boston Red Sox hat.

JERRYA little going away present.I was gonna get you a bowl ofclam chowder but they only hadManhattan.

AUDREYSay thank you, Max.

MAXThanks. • .

Max takes off the hat his dad gave him and replaces it withthe Boston hat.

INT. BMW - DAY

Fletcher's on the phone. He sails passed a parked POLICECAR.

FFLLEETTCCHHEERR(into phone)

Shelton, Jerry Shelton.What time's that flight leave?7:50. Thank you.

(checks hiswatch)

Oh, shit! Shit!! Shit!

Fletcher spots the FLASHING LIGHTS.

FLETCHERShiiiiit!!!

He pulls over -- so quick he jumps the curb.

POLICE OFFICERWould you step out of the car,please?

Fletcher obeys.

FLETCHERListen; I know I'm driving alittle crazy but i have anemergency to attend to...

The cop's just getting off his walkie talkie.

POLICE OFFICERI'm impounding this vehicle.

FLETCHERWhy? What for? For changinglanes?

POLICE OFFICERI just ran your tags throughthe computer. You've got.seventeen unpaid parkingtickets.

FLETCHERNo! I paid them! Thismorning! That's the truth! Iswear!!

POLICE OFFICERNot according to the computer.

FLETCHERThe computer is wrong! It

' hasn't been updated. Thecomputer's a liar!

POLICE OFFICERYou can straighten it out atthe impound yard.

FLETCHER(checks hiswatch, firmly)

NO!

POLICE OFFICERNo?

FLETCHERThat's right, no! I'm notgonna lose my son because somestupid clerk was too lazy toupdate the computer.

(getting cockier.as he goes)

Now if you want to follow me,. you can follow me and take the

car after I get where I'mgoing. I'm a lawyer and Iknow my rights! Understand?!

CUT TO:

A TOW TRUCK drives away with Fletcher's car, leavingFletcher stranded.

EXT. STREETS - DAY '

Fletcher frantically tries to hail a...

FLETCHERTaxi! Taxi!!

No luck. He spots

A PAYPHONE

digs through the Yellow Pages. Finds "Ten Minute Taxi".Yes! He fishes for change. Shit! He doesn't have any!!

FLETCHER(looking .heavenward)

Noooo!!!

He spots a man walking by.

FLETCHER'Scuse me, sir. Do you haveany - -

The man turns. It's the same BEGGAR Fletcher was rude tooutside the courthouse.

BEGGARChange? Absolutely.

He continues walking.

FLETCHERCould you spare some?

BEGGARUnquestionably.

The beggar continues on.

' FLETCHERAlright, I get your point.But this is a crisis! Look,I'll give you ten bucks.

The beggar pulls out a quarter and holds it up.

BEGGAR(admiringquarter)

It's so shiny and new.

FLETCHERTwenty. .

BEGGARMinted in Denver. Imaginethat.

FLETCHERThirty-four. That's all Ihave.

A moment as the beggar thinks, then:

BEGGARIt's worth twice that to screwyou.

He walks off, grinning.

FLETCHERJERKOFF!

BEGGARLAWYER!

Fletcher turns, spots a familiar building in the distance.

FFLLEETTCCHHEERRMy office!!

INT. LOBBY FLETCHER'S OFFICE BUILDING - DAY

He starts in the front door, when a SECURITY GUARD stopshim.

SECURITY GUARDWhoa, where do you thinkyou're going?

FLETCHERI just need to use the phoneto call a cab. I work here.

MR. ALLAN (O.S.)Used to work here.

Mr. Allan has just exited the elevator.... •

MR. ALLAN(to securitygguuaarrdd))

SSoonn,, tthhaatt mmaann iiss ttrreessssppaassssiinngg..

The guard starts toward Fletcher threateningly.

FLETCHERHold it!

(to Mr. Allan)I've got ten years worth ofdirt on you and this firm, andI'm in the kind of mood todayto get a lot off my chest.You let me use the phone or Istart talking!!

CUT TO:

Fletcher's is THROWN ON HIS ASS in the street. Mr. Allanhas watched from atop the stairs of the building.

MR. ALLANStill euphoric, Reid?

He goes back inside.• Fletcher starts to get up when a CARSCREECHES to a HALT, inches away.

MAN'S VOICE ( O . S . )Fletcher! •

It's PHILIP.

PHILIPSeven-thirty... It's Karaoketime!

Fletcher runs up and HUGS the astonished man,

FLETCHERPHILIP!! LOOK AT YOU!!! MYPHILIP!!

Fletcher KISSES HIM ON THE LIPS.

INT. PHILIP'S CAR - DAY

Philip's driving Fletcher.

FLETCHERYou're saving my life, Philip.

PHILIPYou know, it's funny, but forsome reason I was beginning tothink you didn't like me.Isn't that silly?

FLETCHER .No. It's not silly. I don'tlike you.

PHILIPWhat?

FLETCHERI don't like you. I'm sorry.I find you boring. I hatecharades. And you wouldn'tknow a good time if it sat onyour face.

(feels bad)I'm sorry. It was easier thantelling you how I really felt.Are you upset?

A moment, then:

PHILIPNo. To be honest, I don'tlike you either. You treatpeople like obstacles and youcheat at charades. .

FLETCHERThen why are you always tryingto socialize with me?

PHILIPYou're a client. I figured ifI didn't try to be yourfriend, you'd get a newaccountant.

FLETCHERPhilip, I don't like you as aperson, but I'm crazy aboutyou as my accountant. I'dnever hire a new accountant.Never!

PHILIPSo we don't have to like eachother anymore?

FLETCHER -Not at all.

. PHILIPAll right. Sooner I get you•to the airport, sooner I candump your sorry ass off.

EXT. AIRPORT -- DAY

Philip's car skids to a stop. Fletcher jumps out.

INT. LAX TERMINAL - DAY .

Fletcher races in.

FLETCHERBedelayed. Bedelayed. Fog,rain, something, anything...

He sees the DEPARTURE BOARD

"Flight 69. Departs 7:50. On Time. Gate 17."

Fletcher looks at the clock -- It's 7:46!! Holy Shit!!

INT. LAX ESCALATOR

Fletcher pushes his way HE a crowded escalator. Pastpeople standing on the left despite the SIGN that saysSTAND ON RIGHT.

FLETCHERExcuse me. . . excuse me. . . Comeon folks, let's let thefrantic man pass... Sorry...Thank... you... Standing onthe right, passing on theleft. They can't make this-deal any easier than it is...Come on... coming through...

At the top,- a WOMAN in a NURSES UNIFORM asks for money...

WOMANHelp the poor?...

FLETCHER(speeding past)

I don't trust you. I don'tknow what the hell thatuniform is. Sorry.

(a Hare Krishnatries to stophim)

NOT NOW, TOGA BOY!

INT. LAX - SECURITY AREA

Fortunately, there's no line at the metal detector.Fletcher races right by but SETS OFF THE ALARM.

INSPECTORPlease step through again.

FLETCHERAhhh!!! Damn..;

Fletcher frantically tosses his keys, cufflinks, his Rolexinto a tray.

He tries again. It BUZZES again!

FLETCHERWhat? I'tii practically naked!

A guy in a TURBAN passes over him with a DETECTOR WAND.

FLETCHERIt's called a ZIPPER, Hodgy...

The wand BEEPS over Fletchers front pocket. He reaches inand pulls out the now familiar BLUE PEN...

INT. LAX - DEPARTURE CONCOURSE

Fletcher races by Gate 15, 16, gets to 1 7 . . . but sees thePLANE Slowly TAXIING AWAY.

FLETCHERNooo!!!

Fletcher spots a door marked "NOT AN EXIT". Goes for itwhen a FLIGHT ATTENDANT interrupts.

FLIGHT ATTENDANTCan I help you?

FLETCHERLook out!! ! --

(truthful)-NOTHING'S COMING!!

The woman raises her eyebrows and looks anyway. AndFletcher BOLTS THROUGH THE EXIT!

EXT. TARMAC - DAY

He scurries down a flight of stairs calling after the planewhich is moving away.

No way he'll catch it.

Then, he sees a MECHANIC working on a MOBILE STAIRS UNIT(These are the steps they pull up to planes) Fletcher getsan insane idea. . .

The worker hears an ENGINE START, looks up to SEE FLETCHERin the truck, driving off, TOWING THE STAIRS.

WORKERHey!! Hey!!!!

But Fletcher's gone.

EXT. AIRPLANE - DAY

Fletcher's DRIVING THE STAIRS trying to catch up with theplane. GROUND WORKERS react.

Soon, the "stairs" are racing alongside the plane.

Fletcher looks for signs of Audrey and Max but he's too lowto see in the plane.

He grabs the TOOL BOX'on the passenger's seat,-puts it onthe accelerator, pinning it to the floor. Then, he CLIMBSTHE STEPS!

The "stairs" sway back and forth as he reaches the top.

INT. AIRPLANE - DAY - MOVING

PASSENGERS calmly read while outside FLETCHER speeds along,WAVING HIS ARMS like a maniac. The ENGINE NOISE drowns outhis call for...

FLETCHERMAX?!! AUDREYY?!!

A STEWARDESS stands in the aisle, giving the safetylecture.

STEWARDESSIn case of a water landing,please use your seat cushionas--

•Her MOUTH DROPS as she notices Fletcher.

EXT. TARMAC - DAY

Fletcher is BANGING on the windows. People on the planePOINT, STARE in amazement.

Fletcher looks ahead, SEES the stairs about to CRASH INTOTHE WING! Fletcher desperately fiddles with some controls.At the last second, finds the one that LOWERS THE STAIRS.

He surfs under the wing...

. . . and RAISES UP THE STAIRS at the other side.

Fletcher's at the front of the plane, where he finallyspots. . .

MAX, AUDREY AND JERRY SEATED IN THE BULKHEAD

Max has the window seat, Audrey arid Jerry are next to him.Audrey has on her headset and Jerry is looking for hisseatbelt. NEITHER SEES FLETCHER.

Fletcher SCREAMS to get their attention. But it's TOONOISY.

Then, Fletcher looks ahead and his EYES GO WIDE!

FLETCHER'S POV

The RUNWAY is ENDING!.

Just then, Max looks up...SEES HIS DAD. Audrey is nowtrying to help Jerry find his seat belt.

AUDREY(checks under hisseat)

It's right here, honey.

MAXMom! Mom!! '

AUDREYJust a second, Max.

MAXMom, it's dad!

AUDREYWhat? What about dad?

Audrey turns. Then she sees Fletcher WAVING weakly...

AUDREYFletcher?!

AT THAT INSTANT -- THE PLANE MAKES A SHARP TURN!

BUT THE STAIRS DON'T! They keeps going straight, heading •right for the END OF THE RUNWAY and a parked LOADED LUGGAGECART. . -

And BAM! FLETCHER, THE STAIRS, THE LUGGAGE ALL GO FLYING!

Audrey strains to watch as FLETCHER lands hard ONTO AMOUNTAIN OF BAGGAGE!

CLOSE ON FLETCHER

With all the strength he has he lifts his head, sees he'sin one piece, and then COLLAPSES IN DEFEAT.

CUT TO:

INT. JAIL CELL - NIGHT

Fletcher's BANGED UP pretty good. His head is BANDAGED.He.puts a COLD COMPRESS to his BRUISED FOREHEAD and WINCES.

FLETCHER(mumbles tohimself)

Oh boy, the truth hurts. Yesindeed.

DEPUTYMr. Reid. Someone made bailfor you.

EXT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT

Fletcher comes out LIMPING, totally dishevelled, missing ashoe, and still holding the compress.

FLETCHER(weakly)

Greta? Is that you?

He looks up and is surprised to see AUDREY and JERRYwaiting for him just outside the door.

Max is sitting at the bottom of the stairs, still ANGRY.He sees his dad, then quickly turns away.

FLETCHER(to Audrey andJerry, trying toseem chipper)

Sorry I made you miss yourflight, not really.

(no response)You're obviously a little

. upset, not that I blame you...although I'll bet you'll stillget the bonus miles. . .

AUDREYFletcher, are you crazy?What were you doing?

FLETCHERThat's two questions. A; Yes,but I think the legal term istemporarily insane. And B; Iwas trying to finally havethat talk with you aboutBoston.

Audrey's patience are growing thin...

FLETCHEROkay, okay... The whole truthand nothing but the truth,

(with difficulty,sincerely)

I tried to stop the planebecause it was taking off withmy life... you and Max.

This comes as a surprise to Audrey. Not just what Fletchersaid, but the way he said it.

FLETCHERI know you've met somebody...somebody pretty great... andthe truth is I wish you didn'tbut you did and... All I'masking i s . . . Please don't moveto Boston. Please don't takeMax away.

She's definitely moved by Fletcher, but not convinced.

AUDREYYou can come visit anytime.It's only a four hour flight.

FLETCHERI don't want to visit him.That's what I've been doing--visiting him, dropping by,stopping in. I want to be inhis life. I don't want to besome jerk that sees him atEaster. I want to be hisfather.

Fletcher turns to Jerry.

FLETCHERI know I have no right to ask,but can I talk you out oftaking that job? I can getyou a better job here in L.A.I've got all kinds ofconnections...what do you doagain?

JERRYI design security systems.

FLETCHERHow symbolic. Okay great.You know Pac-Tec?

JERRYThe biggest.

FLETCHEROne of their systems shortedout and burned down asupermarket. I got them off.Another proud day for justice.If I ask them they'll beatyour Boston offer in twoseconds. . .

AUDREYDon't put Jerry in the middle.

JERRYIt's okay.

(to Fletcher)Boston means this

(snaps hisfingers)

to me. All I want is for thislady and Max to be happy.Preferably, with me. Whateverthey want, I'll go along with.

They both look to Audrey.

AUDREYAll I want is for Max to behappy.

Audrey looks over to Max seated at the bottom of thestairs. He's still upset.

AUDREYYou better know your jury.You're hot exactly Max's herotoday.

FLETCHERJust let me present my case.

Fletcher walks over,, tries to be playful, starts WALKING,TALKING LIKE THE TERMINATOR.

FLETCHER/TERMINATORI have been sent from thefuture to destroy you. . .Argghhh!

(no response, abeat)

You mad at me?

Max nods. Fletcher's at a loss for how to begin. Then:

FLETCHERYou wanted me to stop lying.But lying isn't the problem. ..Why we lie ~ that's theproblem. Sometimes we lie tomake someone else feel better.But sometimes we lie becausethe truth gets in our way...

(touches him)But being an adult means yousacrifice some things for more

important things. Much moreimportant things. I was sostupid, Max.

(pointing to hisown head)

Malfunction in vector one.All this time you've been hereand I could see you anytime Ifelt like it. And I...didn't. Please don't go toBoston. Max, I love you morethan anything else in theworld and you know it's true.I couldn't say it if itweren't true. Not today.

A moment as Max studies his father, then:

MAX(to Audrey)

He's telling the truth, Mom.He's not allowed to lie. Imade a wish and anything Dadsays has to be the truth.

(to Fletcher) ..Right?

But Fletcher's looking at his watch...

FLETCHERMax. .. it's 9:22.

AUDREYWhat?

FLETCHERMax, you made the wish at9:15. I've been able to liefor the last seven minutes.

Max steps away from Fletcher.

MAXSo then, you were...

FLETCHERNo! It wasn't a lie. I justwanted to be honest with youand tell you -- there was nowish to guarantee it anymore.You just have to believe me.

Max looks at Audrey, who is letting Max decide for himselfMax looks at Fletcher and tries to decide.

MAX(to Audrey)

Mommy... do we have to go toBoston?

Audrey looks at Jerry, then back at Max.

AUDREYNo. We don't have to.

Fletcher hugs his son -- the kind of hug that says "I'llnever let you go."

MAX(to Fletcher)

Can we play catch tomorrow?

Fletcher smiles. . .

EXT. PARK - DAY

A beautiful park with a basball diamond. Fletcher isseated on a bench, waiting. He's dressed in sweats, with abaseball glove. Soon, Jerry, Audrey, and Max pull up...

MAXDad! !

FLETCHERMaximum!!

Fletcher picks Max up.

MAXTransformer!!! .

Fletcher and Max do the TRANSFORMER ROUTINE again...

FLETCHERMalfunction in vector seven.I have lost control of myaffection reflex...

Fletcher starts KISSING MAX on the head over and over. Hesees Audrey.

FLETCHERProcreate! Procreate!

AUDREY(playfully)

Fletcher... You're gonna losea limb--

MAXCome on, dad, let's playcatch!!

FLETCHERSure. . .

(starts to tossMax)

Here you go, mom.(Max screams)

Oh, you mean with a ball...

He puts Max down. Max runs into position. Fletcher stopsfor a second and turns to Jerry, man to man.

FLETCHERI take back every dirty,dishonest thing I ever saidabout you, wrote about you,faxed about you, E-mailedabout you.

JERRYAppreciated.

Fletcher tosses the baseball up and down.

FLETCHERSo, you up for a littlefriendly competition?

JERRYNo, you go play with your son.

FLETCHERI wasn't talking aboutbasesball.

A slow smile from Jerry. Fletcher winks and tosses theball to Max.

FLETCHER(to Max)

Alright, it's time to show youthe old Fletcher Reid changeup...

Fletcher winds up in an EXAGERATED SUPER FAST MOTION, theninstantly shifts to SUPER SLOW MOTION. Max CRACKS UP.Audrey LAUGHS. Jerry can't help but smile, too.

There may be better things in life... but at this moment,it's hard to think of a single one. Honestly.

THE END