LESSON 1

ACHIEVING ACADEMIC AND LIFE SUCCESS

Adolescents and HomeworkHelping, Planning and Goal Setting for Teens

UNDER CONSTRUCTION

Presented by

THE NATURAL SYSTEMS INSTITUTE

The Art Of Helping Your Child With Their Homework

by Ed Young, Ph.D.

Outline Helping Your Child With HomeworkPART I. INEFFECTIVE APPROACHES

1. Attitude of Neglect Toward Children’s Homework

2. Imposing Parental Goals - Pressuring - and Making Comparisons

3. Emphasizing Competition Takes the Focus Off of Learning and the Joy of Learning and Makes the Child’s Life Be Determined by Factors Outside of Him/Her self

4. A Controlling, Punitive Approach Breaks the Bond With the Parent and Turns the Child Against School and Learning, Teaching Them Passive Aggressive Opposition to Control and Punishment

5. Regimenting Prevents the Child from Learning to Govern His/Her Own Behavior and Adapt to Schedules on Their Own.

6. Deriding and Discouraging Drives the Child Into Despair and Self DeprecationOver Involvement and Usurping the Child’s Inner Processes, Thus Preventing the Child From Acquiring the Mental Skills and Cognitive Operations Necessary to Be Able to Solve Problems on Their Own

7. Sympathetic Infantilizing Makes the Child Feel They Are Not Capable and Prevents Them From Learning to Develop Ego Strength

8. Over Involvement Usurps the Child’s Inner Processes, Prevents the Child From Acquiring the Mental Skills and Cognitive Operations Necessary to Be Able to Solve the Problems on Their Own.

9. Controlling School work by Using External Incentives Causes Focus on the External and the Subject Being Studied Is Only a Means to an End, Just a Hurdle to Jump Over to Get to the Gold!

10. Demoting the Importance of Education Because the Child Is Special in Some Non Academic Activity Deprives the Child of the Opportunity to Develop Their Mind and They Adopt a Posture, Later in Life, That They Are Special and Exemption From Requirements Is Normal for Them, They Are Above Other People and Above the Rules.

11. Polarized Parenting Approach Teaches the Child That School Work Is a Game of Skill in Manipulation

PART II. EFFECTIVE APPROACH

12. A Father Showing Interest in His Child’s Homework, Focusing on the Process and Content Rather Than the Outcome, Grades

The Result of a Parent Showing Interest in Their Child’s Homework, and Focusing on the Process and Content

PART I. INEFFECTIVE APPROACHES

Attitude of Neglect Toward Children's Homework

Dad, I don’t want to do this, its too hard. I’ll do it later. I’m supposed to meet my friends out on the field. I’ll

do it before I go to bed tonight. OK?

Don’t bother me now, Son. Can’t you see I’m on the

phone? Just do what you have to do, I don’t care. Just

don’t bother me with it.

He doesn’t care, so why should I? I hate this stuff anyway. I’m gonna go play. To hell with it!

I’ve got to be the best. I bet I can learn textbooks far beyond my grade. I’ll show everyone I’m a genius. I’m going to be ahead on everything and show everyone up even if I have to sacrifice everything else to do it. I don’t care for their silly, worldly pleasures anyway. I can’tlet Dad down.

Imposing Parental Goals - Pressuring - and Making Comparisons

That’s my boy, the genius! I’ve encouraged and coached him since he was born. I’ve groomed him to be the best and now he is. The best of the best! There isn’t anything he doesn’t know. He loves learning and has more discipline than anyone I’ve ever seen.

Underneath he feels his own life was forfeited long ago and carries a simmering despair. He secretly wonders why he feels his life and life in general is hollow and empty even though he gets so much recognition.

Parents imposing their own goals for their child makes him/her feel like their life does not belong to themselves. They are living out the parents ambitions, not their own.

Emphasizing Competition Takes the Focus Off of Learning and the Joy of Learning and Makes the Child’s Life Be Determined by Factors Outside of Him/Her self

You are a great competitor. You’re just like me. You’re going to be the best. The idea is to win, to beat, excel, to rise above everyone else. Because, if you don’t someone else will, and they’ll grind you in the dust.

You bet, Dad. I’m smarter than any of them. Today I did so much better that I made all those suckers look like silly dope heads. I can do better than all of them without even trying. They’re all envious and even scared of me because I’m so much better.

Teaching your child that competition and winning is all that matters makes him/her focus on how well others are doing and what they have to do to win rather than on learning to really learn and understand and appreciate the subject matter. Their self esteem is put on a roller coaster. Every time they feel like they are slipping behind the others, they panic and every time they get ahead they soar and think they have super powers. Classmates are not friends but people to watch out for. What they study and how they live is determined by the competition and not true intrinsic interests or motivation. They eventually learn to thrive on adrenaline and become victims of stress.

A Controlling, Punitive Approach Breaks the Bond With the Parent and Turns the Child Against School and Learning, Teaching Them Passive Aggressive

Opposition to Control and Punishment

In your room for the next 3 hours and don’t you dare come out until you have finished all of your homework. Your teacher told me that you were not doing your work and this is your punishment for the next three weeks.

I want to see some changes around hereeven if I have to make your life miserable to get it!! Do you here me?

Oh, I hate him and I hate school. He can make me sit here, but he can’t make me study. I’ll really fail and show him even if I have to stay locked up in here for months. I’ll run away. I’ll never ever go to school as soon as I get away from home.

Regimenting the Child’s Homework for Him/Her Prevents Learning to Govern and Discipline Themselves and from Learning to Relate to Schedules and Timing

Now, here is what we are going to do. As soon as you get home from school, you go straight to your room and get all of your homework first. When you are through, you bring it to one of us to check to see that you have done all you were supposed to do and have done it right. If you have, then you can go play, watch TV, or have some one over. Dinner will be at 6:00 and then you have your regular chores to do. Afterwards, you can watch TV before you go to bed. Bedtime will be at 9:30 so you will be rested and ready for school in the morning. We both agree on this. If you don’t follow the schedule, there will be no TV, no play. You’ll just be grounded to your room for the rest of the day. Is that clear?

Yes sir, yes mam. I understand and I’ll do what you say.

That’s a good boy. Isn’t he a good boy. If you follow that schedule we will surprise you with something special this weekend.

Deriding and Discouraging Drives the Child Into Despair, Hopelessness and Self Deprecation

I am no good. I’ll never be as good as you. I just can’t compete. I know they are all better than I am and it is humiliating, but I can’t do anything about it, so I just don’t care anymore. I am a disappointment to you and I wish I could destroy myself and rid you of the humiliation of having a son like me!!

What is the matter with you? When I was your age, I was the top of my class. I always wanted to be the best and I was. You let all of those other punks surpass you. You’re stupid and spineless. How did ‘I’ ever come to have a son like you? My god! Your genes must come from your mother’s side of the family.

Sympathetic Infantilizing Makes the Child Feel He/She Is Not Capable and Prevents Them From Learning to Develop Ego Strength

Thank you Mommy and

Daddy. I love you so much.

There, there, dear. You don’t have to go to school and face all that pressure. Mommy and Daddy will help you with your homework if it’s too hard for you. We’ll make sure the teacher understands and makes special arrangements for you, won’t we Daddy?

Over Involvement Usurps the Child’s Inner Processes, Prevents the Child From Acquiring the Mental Skills and Cognitive Operations Necessary to Be

Able to Solve the Problems on Their Own.

OK, Now write this down and you’re sure to get an ‘A’!

Yes, Mom. Whatever you say. Now, can you help me with this next one. Its really hard for me! Please.

No, no. That’s not the way. Here, let me do it for you.

5

Controlling School Work by Using External Incentives Causes Focus on the External While the Subject Being Studied Becomes Only a Means to an End,

Just a Hurdle to Jump Over to Get the Gold!

Alright now. I’ll give you one dollar for every ‘B’ you make and fifteen dollars for every ‘A’. So work very hard. I know you have the ability. If you work up to your ability and make all ‘A’s’, you can make a lot of money.

Oh, man, this makes me nervous. But, I’ve got to do really good so I can make an ‘A’ and get that $15. Just think, if I get 5 ‘A’s’, I get $75. Wow! I’ll be rich. I wonder if I should call the brain in the class so I can make sure I get a perfect score. I can’t let Dad down and I sure don’t want to lose that money.

$$ Hope I get that money!!!

Demoting the Importance of Education Because the Child Is Special in Some Non Academic Activity Deprives the Child of the Opportunity to Develop Their Mind and They Adopt a Posture,

Later in Life, That They Are Special and Exemption From Requirements Is Normal for Them, They Are Above Other People and Above the Rules.

OK kids! You are so special, it doesn’t matter if you’re not doing so well school and missing some academic stuff. We’ll straighten things out with your teachers. If we have to we’ll get you tutors so you can keep up with your activity. Wow! Aren’t they spectacular. Can you believe they are our kids! She wins all the contests and is the prettiest in her school. He is captain of the team and they win all their games and he is the most popular kid on campus.

Soon these same children will be taking this posture of special-ness and exemption toward their parents, also. No one will be able to make them adapt to the normal requirement of society. Parents won’t be able to control them either. Then the parents will wonder what went wrong.

A Polarized Parenting Approach Teaches the Child That School Work Is a Game of Skill in Manipulation

Well, I know he’s not doing as well as he could, so I propose the we give him a monetary incentive. What do you think?

No, he has to learn self determination. Learn to want to do well for his own sake, not ours or the money we would reward him with. It’s his life and if he doesn’t learn to take responsibility for it himself and care about how he does for his own satisfaction, what will he do when he is really on his own? What do you think son?

Oh, I think Dad is right. I know I would work harder if I knew I was going to get money for grades? How about $20 for every ‘A’ I make on mid terms and $50 for final grades? And $10 for every B?But, if I fail, I’ll say Mom

was right all along.

PART II. AN EFFECTIVE APPROACH

A Father Showing Interest in His Child’s Homework, Focusing on the Process and Content Rather Than the Outcome - Grades

This looks interesting. How did you figure this out? I need to remember this. I could use this in my work! Show me some more.

Well, it took a little extra effort. I had to look through those reference books over there. I found a lot of interesting things in there, but I had to leave it and finish this so I won’t be late turning my homework in. Oh yeah, hmmm, you’re pretty

well organized aren’t you?

That’s just what the teacher taught us to do. I didn’t like it at first, but now I’m getting the hang of it and it helps me do a better job. I do hope I get a good grade!I can see you have a knack for putting a lot of effort

into it. You must be finding the secret to true learning. You know I find your work really interesting and the way you go about it, getting organized and really getting into it is interesting, too. I hope you can share your work with me again some time.

The Result of a Parent Showing Interest in Their Child’s Homework, and Focusing on the Process and Content,

Rather Than the Outcome - Grades

The Child Learns to Enjoy the Work, Even the Effort. The Child Learns to Enjoy the Process of Learning. The Child Develops a Genuine Interest in the Subject Matter. The Child Develops a Sense of Ownership and Strength. The Child Learns to Govern and Regulate Their Own Time. And, Even Though the Emphasis Is Not on Grades, the Child

Does Make Grades Commensurate With His/Her Ability. Bonding Takes Place Between the Parent and Child. The Child Learns Increased Self Esteem, Motivation, and Self

Acceptance.

When this approach is taken:

SETTING GOALS FOR YOUR LIFE

PREPARING TO ACHIEVE YOUR GOALS

REALISTICALLY EVALUATING YOUR GOALS

DEVELOPING STRATEGIES TO ACHIEVE YOURGOALS

THE

FUTURE

?

The Future Is Inevitably Uncertain. Fearing Uncertainty, People Resort to Almost Anything to Reduce the Uncertainty: From Mathematical Trend Analysis to Consulting Psychics to

Pulling Petals off Sunflowers to Answer: ‘She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not’.

What will my future bring?

Increasing

Uncertainty!

What will you do with the rest of your life? Assuming you have <‘have’ time > many years of life to live: If your life time were in

a time bank, how would you invest it?

YOU

FORWARD

BACK WARD

SID

EW

AY

S

SID

EW

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