FROM C.O.N.T.R.O.L TALKFROM C.O.N.T.R.O.L TALK

Lecture 5cLecture 5c

The Basic Language form of The Basic Language form of C.O.N.T.R.O.L. TalkC.O.N.T.R.O.L. Talk

Is the “You” message or “You are” message. Is the “You” message or “You are” message. Basis of Heavy C.O.N.T.R.O.L.Basis of Heavy C.O.N.T.R.O.L.

Put the words “you are” in a sentence and Put the words “you are” in a sentence and everyone takes the next words personally. everyone takes the next words personally. Can’t help it. Use verb “to be” - unshakable connection Can’t help it. Use verb “to be” - unshakable connection

subject and objective. Go straight to the other’s inner self.subject and objective. Go straight to the other’s inner self. You’re talking about the other’s inner youYou’re talking about the other’s inner you

““You are terrific” and “You are a jerk.” same effect on other - You are terrific” and “You are a jerk.” same effect on other - both taken very personally.both taken very personally.

Most problematic phrase in our languageMost problematic phrase in our language

TO D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E TALKTO D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E TALK

Lecture 5cLecture 5c

C.O.N.T.R.O.L. AND “GOOD C.O.N.T.R.O.L. AND “GOOD INFORMATION”INFORMATION”

HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L. ELIMINATES GOOD HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L. ELIMINATES GOOD INFORMATIONINFORMATION

FORCES SELF-DEFENSEFORCES SELF-DEFENSE NOT “GOOD” INFORMATION AS DEFINEDNOT “GOOD” INFORMATION AS DEFINED

ABOUT BEING RIGHT AND PERSONAL ABOUT BEING RIGHT AND PERSONAL JUDGEMENT JUDGEMENT

NOT “GOOD” INFORMATION AS DEFINEDNOT “GOOD” INFORMATION AS DEFINED

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION AND GOOD EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION AND GOOD INFORMATIONINFORMATION

D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. SUPPORTS THE D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. SUPPORTS THE EXCHANGE OF GOOD INFORMATIONEXCHANGE OF GOOD INFORMATION REMEMBERREMEMBER

““GOOD”GOOD” MEANS TRUTHFUL, ACCURATE, RELEVANT, MEANS TRUTHFUL, ACCURATE, RELEVANT, UNDERSTANDABLEUNDERSTANDABLE

SO PEOPLE CAN BOTH CAN MAKE AN INFORMED CHOICE SO PEOPLE CAN BOTH CAN MAKE AN INFORMED CHOICE AND ACT FROM COMMITMENT NOT COERCION OR AND ACT FROM COMMITMENT NOT COERCION OR

MANIPULATIONMANIPULATION

THREE TYPES OF TALKTHREE TYPES OF TALK

PROBLEMPROBLEM

CONNECT TALKCONNECT TALK

C.O.N.T.R.O.L.C.O.N.T.R.O.L. TALKTALK BE RIGHTBE RIGHT

LIGHTLIGHT

HEAVYHEAVY

JUDGEMENT

REFLEXREFLEX

COMPLIANCECOMPLIANCE WITHDRAWALWITHDRAWAL

AGREEMENTAGREEMENTCOMPROMISECOMPROMISE

COLLABORATION COLLABORATION COMMITMENTCOMMITMENT

D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. TALKTALK SOLVE PROBLEMSOLVE PROBLEM

UNDERSTANDING

CHOICECHOICE

SELF- SELF-

MGT.MGT.

GETTING TO GETTING TO D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.

UUnderstand Firstnderstand First - - suspend suspend judgmentjudgment

EEmotional Self-motional Self-ManagementManagement - - hot to cool hot to cool feelingsfeelings

• YYour choice?our choice?

GETTING TO GETTING TO D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.

UUnderstand Firstnderstand First - - suspend suspend judgmentjudgment

Means comes down the inference Means comes down the inference ladderladder

From judgment back down to the dataFrom judgment back down to the data Notice what’s going on (or has just Notice what’s going on (or has just

happened) in the “here and now”happened) in the “here and now”

TO COME DOWN THE TO COME DOWN THE INFERENCE LADDERINFERENCE LADDER

EEmotional Self-Regulationmotional Self-Regulation HHot to cool feelingsot to cool feelings CCalm yourself; emotional self-soothingalm yourself; emotional self-soothing

Leave the situation for a moment, if you canLeave the situation for a moment, if you can Don’t rehearse distress-maintaining reactionsDon’t rehearse distress-maintaining reactions Get control of your breathingGet control of your breathing If you can, relax your bodyIf you can, relax your body

ASSUMPTIONS ASSUMPTIONS OF D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. OF D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.

Solve problem not save face - I Solve problem not save face - I manage myselfmanage myself not other not other

We bothWe both have to change have to change My story is My story is my storymy story - obvious - obvious

only to meonly to me You have You have your story - your story - obvious obvious

only to youonly to you I have I have allall the data only when the data only when I I

listenlisten to your story to your story I clarify I clarify mmy meaning onlyy meaning only How did How did we contributewe contribute to this to this

situation?situation?

STYLE ELEMENTS OF STYLE ELEMENTS OF D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.

• II-messages - -messages - own your storyown your story• AAsking questions - sking questions - 4W2H4W2H• LListening actively -istening actively -show empathyshow empathy• OOpen acknowledgement - pen acknowledgement - 4 kinds4 kinds• GGenuine support - enuine support - affirm, feedbackaffirm, feedback

• DDescription - communicate valid info

• UUnderstand Firstnderstand First - - suspend judgmentsuspend judgment

• EEmotional Self-Managementmotional Self-Management -hot -hot to coolto cool