Screenplay

INT. KITCHEN-DAY

A MAN, "Fat Bob" is standing in a kitchen eating something.

He is presumably a loser, overweight, and giving off a dull,

lifeless energy. He is only visible from the neck down and

his large stomach protrudes from his sweaty, white Power

Rangers tee shirt which is covered in the old remains of

food.

The man leaves the kitchen and a door shuts behind him. A

deep silence blankets the kitchen. Slowly, a cabinet drawer

opens revealing the head of a SPOON.

The Spoon is a diligent, funny, hardworking plebeian.He

gives a signal by knocking his head up and down against the

drawer. Then he stands tall and straight and lets out an

extended yodel that pierces the silence, getting the entire

kitchen into a frenzied, vibrant state as it springs to

life.

The DISHWASHER, the strong, jovial, kind-hearted protagonist

begins speaking to the OVEN, the dishwasher’s counterpart.

The oven is righteous yet stern. Though he has a soft spot,

he exhibits a fiery posterior and has a grizzly, hardened,

deep voice. Both characters speak in an African American

inner-city dialect.

DISHWASHER

Hey, hows it goin?

OVEN

Everything’s good over here.

DISHWASHER

Huh?

(Turns knobs to show

confusion)

I would’ve thought you’d have

gotten sick of being the stove’s

bitch by now. You are like right

under her ass bro.

OVEN

Oh c’mon man she aint that bad.

DISHWASHER

Dude, she’s a relic of the early

sixties. She’s practically reached

grandma status.

OVEN

Ya know what, that bitch is mad

ugly. And she be gettin all

2.

OVENcarnivorous with me a bit to

frequently.Every damn day puttin up

with that shit, dog. But I will

tell you what,I got some of those

dumb-ass spoons to smuggle me the

latest issue of the Bed Bath and

Beyond catalog from Fat Bob and

that new line of toaster ovens is

crackalakin. Like I saw this white

one and I’m just like "ohhhhh

shee-yut girllll."

DISHWASHER

Yeah, you like those white ones.

Well keep dreamin fool. You’re

gonna be stuck with that geriatric

piece of ass for a long-ass time.

OVEN

Hey man, at least I don’t have a

bunch of perverted forks and knives

doin the jingle jangle all up

inside of me.

DISHWASHER

Nah, they’re just having some fun.

I love those guys.

OVEN

Yeah well I prefer a higher class

of kitchen appliances. When my life

in this realm ends I dream of being

reincarnated as a large, luscious

bed of bounty. I’m talkin padded

mattress, sheets, pillows,

comforters. And truth be told: you

know I need that mutha fuckin throw

blanket; that shit’s the icing on

my cake.

DISHWASHER

Yeah, but mostly you just want

those humans fornicating on top of

yo’, hood-rat ass.

A knocking is heard emanating from the dishwasher’s inside

and he opens up revealing a bunch of crazed forks and

knives, plates and cups.

The Knife is a big, burly dude. A specimen among average

instruments.

3.

KNIFE

(To fork with NYC accent)

Hiya how-ya doin sweetheart?

Female FORK walks up, swaying her sassy "hips" side to side.

Behind her we see a butter knife sliding back and forth

through a knife sharpener with abrupt thrusting motions.

FORK

Not bad cupcake.

She walks by swaying her hips.

KNIFE

(To the Butter Knife)

I can’t wait to get it in that

girl’s grooves.

BUTTER KNIFE

(Grunting)

Damn straight son. I here that fork

likes her knives sharp...that

girl’s a freak.

KNIFE

Well in that case, get the hell

outa my way small fry. Its time to

get the friction on.

CUPS emerge as do the PLATES and they all begin talking in a

jovial manner. They gaze up at the PHONE who is a total suck

up piece of shit.

CUP

Oh my God look at that little anus

sucking piece of shit.

PLATE

I’m gonna serve up one meal to him

that he’s never had on his

plate...a nuckle sandwhich!

CUP

That corny attempt at a joke just

epitomized the meaning of my life

brother man.

The cup and plate exchange The Marines salutes.

CUP

(in unison with plate)

Hoo-AH!

4.

PLATE

Hoo-AH!

PLATE

Hey phone, you’re just a slutty

little Gigilo!

The phone peers down from a top the Refrigerator where it

stands perched. It looks down, clearly offended.

PHONE

Fellate my antenna you low class

kitchen-ware, you feeble plebeians

of wretched monarchy oh boo hoo,

take a shit and wear it as a hat.

CUP

Dude, we are the motherfucking

carriers of solid and liquid

sustenance. Be gracious you ugly

plastic man.

PHONE

I swear on my Holy Book, "The

Panasonic Portable Phone User’s

Maual", that I will end you. Just

one word to my boss and you guys

are toast in the toaster, buddy.

And you better believe it.

Suddenly all the loud background noise of clincking utensils

and boisterous chatter dies down completely though the plate

doesn’t notice. He talks louder than he needs to.

PLATE

Your boss is a friggin pussy bitch

I aint your buddy.

The FRIDGE emerges and everyone cowers, clearly showing that

he was the reason for the abrupt quietness. He is one mean

motherfucker and he has a booming voice.

FRIDGE

Silence! You insolent slice of

circular ceramic! How dare you

speak to your king in such an

unruly tone. With the power

bestowed upon me by the heavenly

father and the board of trustees at

General Electric I hereby sentence

you to one month of solitary

confinement. For the next month you

shall be kept in the crevice behind

5.

FRIDGEthe garbage can, under the sink.

And let this be a lesson to all of

you for all of you are pathetic.

You have one simple job to do and

you can’t even do it because you

are losers. Hey dishwasher, you

think you’re so important because

you hold all the other appliances

and use a significant supply of

electricity, don’t you? Well maybe

you neglect to aknowledge that you

and your little friend the oven

over here are used on only an

as-needed basis. So really, I am

the coveted prize and you are the

inconsequential fly in my pie. And

talking about the oven, who the

hell uses you now? Fat Bob’s too

fat to wait on you. He needs his

food hot, he needs his food fast,

and he needs his food with a

hyper-super-sonic radiation

sensation. Fat Boy slim don’t need

you anymore boy; he can nuke his

food now.

The the Dishwasher and oven look visibly offended and

embarrassed.

FRIDGE

Knives, forks, spoons: drawers now!

A hord of 20 or so forks,spoons,and knives run to the

drawers up the dishwasher and climbing up a cloth dish

towel.

FRIDGE

What, plates and spoons, do you

think you’re special or something?

PLATE

Ehh, no-of course...

FRIDGE

I don’t want your bullshit

excuses. Get your skinny edged

asses up in that cabinet now!

The two of them go up in defeat.

6.

FRIDGE

Sponges, I expect this entire area

to be cleaned up immediately. I

don’t want that fat human’s filth

to intrude upon my domain. I want

every crack, every crevice, every

corner, every cubic inch to be

stripped bare of all grotesque

remnants of that man irrevocably.

The sponges begin oozing soapsuds and sliding around the

floor in intricate interlocking curving patterns.

FRIDGE

You mutherfuckers are going to

work, I will see to it.

INT. KITCHEN-DAY

SUPER: "TWO WEEKS LATER"

The kitchen, pristine just moments ago is now slovenly. We

see a sink filled to the gills with dirty plates. All is

still and tranquil. The fridge breaks the silence.

FRIDGE

Slobs! You are a disgrace to the

linoleum you stand on! Get your

asses into that dishwasher now, all

of you!

The plates and a handful of dishes begin sliding down a

dishtowel to get to the dishwasher where they are deposited.

Only one red plastic solo cup remains, standing out as a

lone occupant of the sink.

FRIDGE

You insolent little prick. Get the

hell in there.

SOLO CUP

But please sir, I’m just a

disposable cup I need to washed by

hand.

FRIDGE

I could kill you.

SOLO CUP

Please, if you’d only understand

that I’m made of unfathomably cheap

materials in a dingy Mexican

7.

SOLO CUPsweat-shop. For most of my people,

life’s only purpose is to conceal

alcoholic beverages. My cousin,

Alejandro Escobar Reyes-Sanchez has

lived the brutal life of the

college frat parties in a hell

known as Indiana University. Every

night of the week, crazed,

oversexed coeds fill us to the

gills and toss us assunder, leaving

my brother’s and sisters to rot in

a filthy calvacade of vomit and

spilt beer. This nauseating

concoction is the final burrial

ground for these humble servents of

intoxication, stewards of beer pong

tables everywhere. But alas,I’ve

been lucky enough to live in this

kitchen. I know maybe it isn’t much

to you, but to me it is beauty

incarnate.Here i can live a life of

freedom and I will doing anything

to uphold this way of life. Please

your majesty, I beseech you; don’t

make me enter the dishwasher, for

if you do the kitchen which was my

saving grace shall instead be my

tomb.

FRIDGE

Cheese and fuckin crackers...looks

like we got ourselves a wiseguy.

You seem to think I

don’t understand so I’ll let you

do the understanding for me.You are

gonna get in the dishwasher or I’ll

wrap you up like a douche bag and

force you in myelf. Comprende el

nino?

The solo cup looks deflated and trudges into the dishwasher.

INT. KITCHEN-NIGHT

The Dishwasher buzzes and pops open, releasing large clouds

of steam and smoke. A hush descends upon the kitchen as the

haze clears and disaster is revealed.

The partially melted and deformed Red Cup is squirming in

it’s rack while making pitiful wounded noises. It slowly

begins to drip out of the Dishwasher and onto the linoleum

floor, hitting it with a sickening splat.

8.

FRIDGE

Do you see whatcha get when you

fuck with the head honcho? You are

a worthless scrap, a utility player

on a team of all stars. We are the

perennial power players year after

who will receive the lavishes we

deserve and you and yours will

never get anything you desire. And

guess what? I could give a flying

fart.

The cup tries desperately to move from the floor but it’s

stuck. It continues to project an agonized sound of

distress.

FRIDGE

Spatula, get down here and scrape

this worthless, melted mound from

my floor to the garbage. A loser

like this does not deserve a proper

funeral or a mourning period.

Anyone caught grieving or trying to

burry him will be get theor as

whooped like Antigone. Let this

cup’s demise be your first and only

warning of my seriousness: Ima go

ancient Greek on yo ass like Creon

mula-fuckah!

INT. DISHWASHER-NIGHT

The interior of the Dishwasher is dark and dripping with

moisture. The vague outlines of Utensils and dishes can

barely be seen. The soft voice of the SERVING PLATTER cuts

through the dark.

SERVING PLATTER

This is a sad day indeed and I

believe I speak for most of us when

I say that I am dissatisfied with

the way the Fridge is running

things.

CUP

( Over the top Jewish-Brooklyn

accent)

This was an injustice of the

highest degree. That Solo cup was

my third cousin twice removed on my

mother’s side, a descendant of the

two most hated and

9.

CUP

discriminated groups in the world:

he was half plastic, half Jewish.

May he rest in peace: yada, yada,

yada, mashugi, mashugi.

PLATE

(Speaks like a fancy British

butler.)

We will miss him dearly, but what

will be done about the tyrannical

reign casting a shadow of

oppression over our domain?

SERVING PLATTER

We must act swiftly but I don’t

know what I could possibly do. He

would never listen to a low class

plate like me.

FORK

Hey I don’t know if this is such a

great idea. Who are we to speak up

to a fridge?

PLATE

Have you no dignity madame Fork?

Have you no self worth?

FORK

I lost that a long time a go baby

cakes. That’s how it goes when you

start slummin in the sink.

KNIFE

Yeah, what do you know about the

sink life you uppity fuckin plate?!

PLATE

Excuse me sir, there is no need for

these vulgarities.

FORK

(To Knife)

Don’t worry baby, he’s just jealous

of your disproportionate fallic

physique.

PLATE

Oh that is too much! Lick my rim!

Lick my rim I say!

10.

CUP

Hey, shut ya pie wholes or I’ll

shove a matzo ball in there for

yiz. now let’s figure somethin out

here.

PLATE

I propose someone speaks to his

majesty on our behalf.

KNIFE

What, too chicken to speak for

yourself?

PLATE

As a purveyor of myriad pultry

dishes I sincerely resent that

biting remark, Mister Man.

CUP

Ok, then we’ll have the dishwasher

talk to him. He is the most

respected member of our community

and I know he’ll support us.

Spoon knocks his head against the back of the dishwasher.

DISHWASHER

Hey guys whats up?

CUP

We’re gonna need a little favor...

INT. KITCHEN-DAY

The kitchen is quite as a bright light shines through the

window on the floor. We can see the light gleaming off the

fridge; the sight is blinding and intimidating. The rest of

the kitchen slowly creeps to life, but sneakily. Silverware

peak their heads out of slightly opened drawers. Cups and

plates peer out of the cupboard in anticipation for the

dishwasher’s adress to the fridge.

DISHWASHER

Excuse me your majesty, I

respectfully request to speak with

you.

FRIDGE

And what could you possibly want

from me you hunk of junk?

11.

DISHWASHER

I wish to converse on matters

relevent to the wellbeing of our

kitchen-

FRIDGE

My kitchen.

DISHWASHER

Uhh, yes, your kitchen of course.

As I was saying, there are matters

pertaning to the civil liberties

and decorum of this kitchen that

must be addressed.

There is a pause as the Fridge gives a menacing glare at the

Dishwasher who seems to be unsure of what to say next.

FRIDGE

Yes?

DISHWASHER

Well you see your greatness, some

of the occupants of my interior

have expressed concerns. Well,

grievences I guess you could call

them. They have asked me to speak

on their behalf.

FRIDGE

Well no shit, you damn well just

repeated yourself son. spitt it on

out; what’s the problem?

DISHWASHER

Well sir, we are all a bit upset,

or even maybe more than a bit upset

about your transgressions against

the red Solo cup known as Moishe

Leibowitz.

FRIDGE

What is it with you people; was I

not clear about this?

DISHWASHER

No, you were quite clear about it

and that’s the problem. We do not

agree with your ancinet Greek

tactics or whatever the hell you

think you’re trying to do. You

aren’t Sophocles, you’re a goddamn

refrigerator.

12.

FRIDGE

I am thee Refrigerator, ruler of

this kitchen. To tell you the

truth, I couldn’t give a rat’s ass

about you or any of the ass wipes

that occuopy this kitchen.

OVEN

Hey man, you a fuckin dick head is

what you are.

FRIDGE

Yes, yes I am. I am a fucking dick

head. But I am the fucking dick

head head in charge you slimy

grease bucket.

The phone takes this as his cue to hop down from the top of

the fridge to a counter just below.

PHONE

Yeah fags, whatcha gonna do about

it?

OVEN

I swear Im gon’ melt yo lil’ ass-

FRIDGE

You’re arent gonna do shit you

immovable sack of feces.

PHONE

And even if you could, how would

you move with that nasty old stove

all up on you? Ooooohhhh, diss in

the house!

The Fridge glances at his sidekick with admiration.

FRIDGE

You have a witty tongue my little

friend.

OVEN

That tongue gonna come back to bite

you. Best be watchin your buttons

if I was you.

DISHWASHER

Okay, c’mon we don’t wanna

antagonize these fools. We’ll deal

with them later.

13.

INT. DISHWASHER-NIGHT

The dishes, plates, forks, knives, and cups huddle together

with ominous, dim lighting highlighting the serious tone of

the meeting. There is a long, intense silence. The silence

is broken as a the dishwasher produces digital beeping

sounds. The occupants all look at one another in recognition

of the code.

CUP

The fridge must be eliminated.

INT. KITCHEN-DAY

The Kitchen is dark. The sun gets bighter and comes in

through the windows illuminating the courner of a

countertop. On the counter about fifty utensils of different

shapes and sizes stand. The dishwasher opens as cups and

dishes emerge, forming battle lines.

The Utensils start jumping up and down, rattling and

screaming. The large knife is the leader.

KNIFE

Today, we go into battle to fight

for our freedom. On any other day

we might fight amongst one another

based on rank or social station.

today, we dissolve this hierarchy

to become one. Today, we prove that

we back down to no one!

All the utensils scream in unison. It sounds like a Penn

State football game.

KNIFE

Dishwasher, are you ready?

DISHWASHER

Everyone is prepared to wage war.

Fridge, we will ask you one more

time: give us our freedom so that

we may live peacefully amonst one

another.

There is no answer.

DISHWASHER

Plates! Attack!

14.

The plates charge up to the fridge. As they near it, water

and ice shoot out of it like a deadly storm. The plates seem

disoriented as the fridge doors open, spilling moldy rotten

food. A head of LETUCE, CHICKEN WINGS, ROTTEN TOMATOES, and

CHERRY COBBLER attack as well as others attack.

The food is beaten back easily as the plates rotate

themselves to smack the food as it comes. The plates are

dominating untill the main plate gets stuck in the cherry

cobbler.

As the plate is stuck, a huge chicken wing comes stampeding

in. Out of nowhere, the forkstab the chicken in the wing,

holding it down so the knife can cut it in half. It oozes

pussy juice as if it was zombified blood.

PLATE

(To knife)

Thanks man. You’re not so bad.

KNIFE

Yeah bro, lets kick some

refrigerated ass!

Just as all seems well, the freezer opens revealing a

menacing arsenal of frozen foods: FROZEN PIZZAS, CHICKEN

NUGGETS, HOT POCKETS, and POSICKLES emerge.

The dishes go back to their proven technique of rotating in

order to hit the frozen meals. The food’s frozen exterior

gives them extra strength and they remain impervious to the

attacks.

The cups try to join in the mix but they are crushed by the

pizzas who jump on them, shattering them into tiny shards

over the floor.

The surviving cups and plates retreat. In desperation, the

toaster is loaded with bread which begins to burn, smoke

billowing out. The spoon hits head against the eject lever,

launching the flaming bread at the frozen foods. It lands on

a popsickle, melting his head off.

Back at the home base, above and to the right of the

dishwasher on the counters a new plan is discussed.

KNIFE

Okay, right now any frontal attack

is going to be crushed. Those

frozen foods are too strong and we

can’t rely on the flaming bread

because it isn’t efficient enough.

Here’s what we’re going to do.

15.

KNIFEEvery one is going to charge

straight ahead at the food to

create a diversion. Me, the serving

platter, a few spoons and all the

forks are going to go around the

right side and get to the power

chord. wish me luck boys, this is

the moment that separates the

plastic from the silverware. Let’s

go! Formation now!

The cups, plates, spoons and the rest of the silverware go

head on, smashing into the food like blockers during a

football kickoff.

The plate, hoisted by a few spoons covers the knife,

protecting him from the fallingice and water. In front,

about tenty forks run ahead with their prongs out.

They rush to the right, passing everything in their way.

Then a bad ass Digiornio pizza swoops in. The forks

annihilate him, stabbing at the package and trampaling him

on the floor. they aproach the side of the fridge and the

power chord is in sight.

Out of nowhere, EGGO WAFFLES appear. The spoon throw the

heavier serving platter on the eggo’s, crushing them. The

knife jumps through the air and lands on the wire, cutting

it with an electrical shock that instantaneously kills both

he and the fridge.

The plate sees that the knife is dead and goes on a killing

spree, destroying the now thawing food. One by one he

destroys everything in his path, doing flips, spins and

other cool things. If plates could perform Capoeira, the

Brazilian dancing martial art, it would look like this.

All is well and the kitchen cheers as the battle ends. The

knife is picked up by the fork who places him on the plate.

All the applaince gather round the knife/plate combo and

sing "Kumbaya"

INT. KITCHEN-DAY

A door opens and the Man enters the kitchen. He pauses and

surveys the carnage around him. He shrugs, picks a Frozen

Pizza off the floor,and places it in the Oven. It doesn’t

turn on. He grabs the cut chicken wing, bites into it and

walks out of the kitchen. Off screen, he farts.