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For Jeanne Hansell

6

Cast of Characters

RICHARD, an acting student ASHLEY, also an acting student

7

KISSING SCENE by Carl Martin

(A theatre. Worklights. ASHLEY is doing warm-up exercises and periodically checking her watch. RICHARD enters.)

RICHARD. Hi. You ready to go?

ASHLEY. Where’ve you been?

RICHARD. What?

ASHLEY. You’re late.

RICHARD. Three-thirty, right?

ASHLEY. We said three o’clock.

RICHARD. Three-thirty.

ASHLEY. Three o’clock.

RICHARD. Three-thirty.

ASHLEY. I wrote it down in my calendar book three o’clock.

(She shows him her calendar book.)

RICHARD. I wrote it down on my shoe three-thirty.

(He shows her his shoe.)

ASHLEY. We said three o’clock.

RICHARD. I’m sure we said three-thirty.

ASHLEY. No.

RICHARD. I guess we have a difference of opinion.

ASHLEY. I guess so.

RICHARD. Should we keep arguing about it or should we start rehearsing?

ASHLEY. Fine. This is the sofa. I start sitting here. That chair is the chair. Coffee table and the door’s the door.

RICHARD. We can’t have the chair there.

Carl Martin

8

ASHLEY. Where do you want the chair?

RICHARD. If we put the chair there they can’t see my face at the beginning of the scene.

ASHLEY. But if you put it over there you have to come halfway across the room when you propose to me.

RICHARD. So what?

ASHLEY. Fine.

RICHARD. It’ll be a moment.

ASHLEY. Do you mind if we start now?

RICHARD. You have your lines down?

ASHLEY. Yes, I have my lines down. Do you have your lines down?

RICHARD. Pretty much.

ASHLEY. Pretty much?

RICHARD. Pretty much.

ASHLEY. What does pretty much mean?

RICHARD. Most of them.

ASHLEY. So you’re not only fifty minutes late, but you don’t even—

RICHARD. Twenty.

ASHLEY. Fifty.

RICHARD. We were supposed to start at three-thirty.

(ASHLEY picks up her calendar book. RICHARD lifts his foot.)

ASHLEY. I don’t see where you have any room to talk. Even if we did say three-thirty, which we didn’t, you’re still twenty-three minutes late.

RICHARD. Twenty.

ASHLEY. You show up that late to a professional theatre and it’s your job.

Kissing Scene

9

RICHARD. This ain’t no professional theatre.

ASHLEY. At least you could show some professionalism.

RICHARD. Oh, professionalism. I knew I forgot something.

ASHLEY. Cut it out.

RICHARD. So I’m twenty minutes late. What difference does it make? Besides making you freak.

ASHLEY. We could have rehearsed our scene three times already.

RICHARD. Maybe four if you don’t take the time to berate me.

(ASHLEY gives him a look of extreme anger.)

That’s good. Remember that. You can use that on stage.

ASHLEY. I don’t believe you.

RICHARD. You keep saying we have to rehearse, but you keep stopping to point out my lack of professionalism.

ASHLEY. I’m just asking for a little common courtesy.

RICHARD. I’m just asking you to relax for God’s sake. Like it’s really a big deal.

ASHLEY. To some of us it is a big deal.

RICHARD. You mean those of us going into THE BUSINESS?

ASHLEY. Those of us who are majors.

RICHARD. Oh, I see. Those of us who are majors are more dedicated.

ASHLEY. Those of us who are majors show up on time.

RICHARD. And waste more time by arguing with those of us who are a few minutes late.

ASHLEY. Could we please just do the scene?

RICHARD. I thought you’d never ask.

(They take starting positions.)

ASHLEY. Scene.

Carl Martin

10

RICHARD. The only answer I can see is for us to get married.

ASHLEY. What?

RICHARD. (Much louder:) The only answer I can see is for us—

ASHLEY. We’re not starting there.

RICHARD. Where then?

ASHLEY. What did your father say?

RICHARD. What did your father say?

ASHLEY. Wait a second.

RICHARD. Oh, I’m sorry. You have to get into character. Get those substitutions working. My fault.

ASHLEY. Scene.

RICHARD. What did your father say?

ASHLEY. He didn’t like it.

RICHARD. The only answer I can see is for us to—

ASHLEY. No. What do you think we should do?

RICHARD. What do you think we should do?

ASHLEY. Wait.

RICHARD. Sorry.

ASHLEY. He didn’t like it.

RICHARD. You in character yet? I can’t tell if you don’t say—

ASHLEY. Scene. He didn’t like it.

RICHARD. What do you think we should do?

ASHLEY. I think you should leave.

RICHARD. I’m not leaving without you.

ASHLEY. Go. I don’t love you any more. I hate you.

RICHARD. The only answer I—now?

ASHLEY. Yes.

Kissing Scene

11

RICHARD. The only answer I can see is for us—

ASHLEY. Take it back, please.

RICHARD. Sorry… Scene?

ASHLEY. Scene.

RICHARD. What did your father say?

ASHLEY. He didn’t like it.

RICHARD. What do you think we should do?

ASHLEY. I think you should leave.

RICHARD. I’m not leaving without you.

ASHLEY. Go. I don’t love you any more. I hate you.

RICHARD. The only answer I can see is for us to get married.

ASHLEY. Do you mean it?

RICHARD. Gloria, will you please marry me?

(They hug. They look as if they are about to kiss.)

ASHLEY. Hold on.

RICHARD. Script says we kiss twice here.

ASHLEY. I know what the script says.

RICHARD. Let’s be professional about this.

ASHLEY. You…jerk.

RICHARD. Maybe we could choose another scene. How long do we have ’til class, an hour?

ASHLEY. Will you stop it?

RICHARD. Now, Ashley, don’t get upset. Professionalism, remember?

ASHLEY. Scene.

RICHARD. Scene?

ASHLEY. Scene.

Carl Martin

12

RICHARD. What did your father say?

ASHLEY. He didn’t like it.

RICHARD. What do you think we should do?

ASHLEY. I think you should leave.

RICHARD. I’m not leaving without you.

ASHLEY. Go. I don’t love you any more. I hate you.

RICHARD. The only answer I can see is for us to get married.

ASHLEY. Do you mean it?

RICHARD. Gloria, will you please marry me?

(They hug. They kiss twice. RICHARD tries to kiss her a third time and she backs away.)

ASHLEY. You said twice.

RICHARD. Guess I lost count. Sorry about that.

ASHLEY. I’m not doing it.

RICHARD. Doing what?

ASHLEY. I refuse to do this.

RICHARD. Say that at a professional theatre and it’s your job.

ASHLEY. You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?

RICHARD. I see it as a challenge.

ASHLEY. Shut up.

RICHARD. The ultimate acting challenge. Not that kissing you is unpleasant or anything—

ASHLEY. You are such a joke.

RICHARD. You’re the joke. With your SERIOUS-ABOUT-THEATRE attitude. You take yourself so seriously it’s a joke. You make very certain everyone knows you’re SERIOUS-ABOUT-THEATRE because you want people to be impressed with you and take you as seriously as you take yourself. You probably enjoy yelling at me for being late. Makes you feel dedicated.

Kissing Scene

13

ASHLEY. What’s wrong with being serious? At least I don’t sit around the house getting drunk with the brothers all the time.

RICHARD. What do you want us to do? Stay up late memorizing monologues?

ASHLEY. Maybe then you’d know your lines.

RICHARD. Like a good little drama major.

ASHLEY. You are so obnoxious.

RICHARD. Because I’m not SERIOUS-ABOUT-THEATRE?

ASHLEY. Because you’re conceited and selfish and you’re making it impossible for me to work.

RICHARD. Wouldn’t be anything else would it?

ASHLEY. Like what?

RICHARD. Nothing.

ASHLEY. What?

RICHARD. Nothing. Never mind.

ASHLEY. What?

RICHARD. Never mind. Let’s do the scene.

ASHLEY. Say what’s on your mind, Richard.

RICHARD. I make you sick.

ASHLEY. Pretty much.

RICHARD. Yet you chose this scene.

ASHLEY. What?

RICHARD. What did you choose this scene, Ashley?

ASHLEY. Because I like the play.

RICHARD. But why this scene?

ASHLEY. What are you saying?

RICHARD. Because of its wide emotional range?

Carl Martin

14

ASHLEY. What?

RICHARD. This scene calls for us to kiss five times. That’s something of a record, I think, for an acting class.

ASHLEY. I don’t believe this.

RICHARD. It’s a pretty interesting way you have of—

ASHLEY. This is incredible. I’m not doing it. I don’t care if he fails me, I refuse to do this. I don’t believe you.

RICHARD. That’s a very unprofessional attitude, Ashley.

(ASHLEY starts to speak but only stares at RICHARD.)

Were you going to say something?

ASHLEY. I will not do this scene.

RICHARD. Guess I’ll have to find a monologue.

ASHLEY. You do that.

(ASHLEY storms out of the theatre. RICHARD sits. ASHLEY storms back in.)

ASHLEY. You are incredibly conceited.

RICHARD. Why?

ASHLEY. You come in fifty minutes late—

RICHARD. Twenty.

ASHLEY. —without knowing your lines, an hour before class, make it impossible for us to get through this scene even once, which means I’ll be lucky to get a D on this, and then you sit there and tell me I chose this scene because I wanted to kiss you.

RICHARD. I didn’t say it. You said it.

ASHLEY. You’re amazing.

RICHARD. Think so?

ASHLEY. Richard, you know, you’re not unpleasant to look at—

RICHARD. Why thank you.

Kissing Scene

15

ASHLEY. —until you open your fucking mouth.

RICHARD. Why, Ashley, I don’t believe I’ve ever heard you curse before.

ASHLEY. Fuck you. You come into class and do these totally unprepared monologues, and it’s obvious what a great actor you think you are—

RICHARD. Not true.

ASHLEY. Everyone else is either a SERIOUS-ABOUT-THEATRE fag or a jerk. The world revolves around you. Anyone who doesn’t do things your way is a jerk. Any woman foolish enough to do a kissing scene with you chose it because she wants you.

RICHARD. I didn’t say that.

ASHLEY. What did you say?

(He smiles at her.)

RICHARD. Why don’t we do the scene?

ASHLEY. Fine. Scene.

RICHARD. What did your father say?

ASHLEY. He didn’t like it.

RICHARD. What do you think we should do?

ASHLEY. I think you should leave.

RICHARD. I’m not leaving without you.

ASHLEY. Go. I don’t love you any more. I hate you.

RICHARD. The only answer I can see is for us to get married.

ASHLEY. Do you mean it?

RICHARD. Gloria, will you please marry me?

(They hug. They kiss twice.)

ASHLEY. You see. Right there. That’s the problem with your theory. You’re a terrible kisser. Why would I want to do a kissing scene with someone who kisses like a third grader?

Carl Martin

16

RICHARD. How do you know?

ASHLEY. What?

RICHARD. How do you know how third graders kiss? Furthermore, how do you know how I kiss?

ASHLEY. You just kissed me.

RICHARD. That was my character.

ASHLEY. Oh, your character kisses different from you?

RICHARD. I’m purely a method actor.

ASHLEY. How do you kiss, Richard?

RICHARD. That’s what you’re trying to find out, isn’t it?

ASHLEY. Jesus. Try to be a little more smug when you say that.

RICHARD. It would be unwise for me to kiss you the way I normally kiss.

ASHLEY. The way you NORMALLY kiss?

RICHARD. It would be dangerous.

ASHLEY. This is unbelievable.

RICHARD. No—

ASHLEY. You must know some secret the rest of us don’t.

RICHARD. I didn’t say that.

ASHLEY. Some secret fraternity kiss.

RICHARD. No.

ASHLEY. Do you practice on each other?

RICHARD. No.

ASHLEY. Kiss me. Please. The way you would a brother.

RICHARD. Shut up.

ASHLEY. Come on. I want to know your secret. Kiss me the way you NORMALLY kiss.

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