Kids Book on Family Fighting - Erik Johnson, Counseling ... · Whiplash. You know you’re a...
Transcript of Kids Book on Family Fighting - Erik Johnson, Counseling ... · Whiplash. You know you’re a...
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The Kids’ Book About
Family Fighting: A
Parent’s Read-a-Load
Book
By Family Fighting Expert
© 2009 Erik Johnson
www.conflictmediationcoach.com
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When a family experiences stress or anxiety they cope by taking on roles to avoid or deflect
pain. People adopt different roles for different situations. A person can play two or more
roles at once. And the roles balance a family like a child’s mobile.
In most family fights there are three players.
The Bully
He or she is the “bad guy, the “bugger,” the
“mean one” who starts everything.
The Victim
He or she is the innocent one, the one who is
picked on or bugged, the one who needs and
expects rescuing, feels blamed for everything.
The Hero
He or she is the helpful one, the one who
catches the bad guy, the one who rescues the
protects or rescues innocent one.
Snidely Whiplash
Dudley Do Right of the Mounties
Nell Fenwick
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This is my pesky little brother. He gets away with
everything! He pesters me constantly. I ask him to
stop and he won’t. He bugs me on purpose and it
drives me crazy. He’s like Snidely Whiplash!
This is our mother. It’s her job to protect the innocent
and punish the guilty. She’s like Dudley Do Right.
But guess what? She does nothing!
So to protect myself, I take matters into my own hands and I become Dudley Do Right!
When I try to make my brother stop bugging me he
cries and tattles on me. He pretends he is poor, little,
innocent Nell! (That little creep!).
My mom hates it when he whines. To get me to stop
bugging him she gets mean and punishes me!! Why
do I get the consequences for what my twerpy little
brother did? She’s like Snidely Whiplash!
This is me, the older sister. In our family I am like
Nell, the innocent victim who gets picked on all the
time.
Now I’m really angry! I was just trying to protect
myself and I get in trouble. I wish I was an only
child!! I’m Nell again now with no Dudley Do Right
and two Snidely Whiplashes!
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This is me, the younger brother. In our family I am
like Nell, the innocent one just trying to get a little
respect around here.
This is my older sister. She gets away with
everything, has more privileges, and won’t let me
play with her. She teases me and when I ask her to
stop she won’t. She bugs me on purpose and it drives
me crazy. She’s like Snidely Whiplash!
This is my mother. It’s her job to protect the innocent
(who is me) and punish the guilty (who is my sister).
My mom is like Dudley Do Right. But guess what?
She does nothing!
To protect myself I take matters into my own hands
and I become Dudley Do Right!
When I try to make my sister stop bugging me she
over-reacts and tattles on me. She pretends she is
poor, little, innocent Nell! (That big jerk!).
My mom hates it when my sister whines. To get me
to stop bugging my sister my mom punishes me! Why
do I get in trouble for what my twerpy big sister did?
My mom is mean like Snidely Whiplash!
Now I’m really angry! I was just trying to protect
myself and I get in trouble. I wish I was an only
child!! I’m Nell again now with no Dudley Do Right
and two Snidely Whiplashes!
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This is me, the mom. In our family I am like Nell. I work
my fingers to the bone to keep this family on track! I
shop, cook, clean, run errands, plan parties, schedule ap-
pointments, throw birthday parties, and what thanks do
I get? None! The kids’ fighting drives me crazy! I don’t
get a minute’s rest. All I want is peace and quiet.
Where’s Dudley Do Right when you need him?
This is my daughter. She’s older and should know
how to be nice to her brother. Instead she’s a bully
and a tease. She’s mean like Snidely Whiplash!
This is my son. Sometimes he goes too far with his an-
tics. All I ask is that he have a little more patience
with his sister. I keep waiting for them to grow up,
but guess what? They do nothing! It’s like having
TWO Snidely Whiplashes in the house!
My daughter thinks she’s the victim, Nell.
My son thinks he’s the victim, Nell.
I think I’m the victim, Nell.
I ignore their fighting as long as possible but they
push my buttons. Then I fly into action like Dudley
Do Right and send both of them to their rooms!!
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You know you’re being a Nell when you…
feel defensive, passive, afraid, and vulnerable.
you say, “I’m helpless against bullies,” “Some-
body save me!” “Snidely is trying to hurt me!”
“They’re being mean to me on purpose!”
To get out of the Nell role...
Don’t wait for others to rescue you.
Stop reacting to people who bug you.
If you’re being bullied get help.
Have self control.
Stop whining.
Set healthy boundaries.
Everybody feels like Nell
at the mercy of a Snidely
Whiplash from time to
time.
Lessons…
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Nobody admits to being Snidely
Whiplash.
You know you’re a Snidely Whiplash
when you…
Feel angry, critical, blaming, sarcastic, touchy,
and bossy.
Stuff your feelings of pain.
Accuse others of breaking rules.
Say, “There’s one way to do things, MY WAY!”
Don’t understand other’s feelings very well.
Jump ton conclusions without all the facts.
Think finding fault in others is being helpful.
To get out of the Snidely Whiplash role…
Identify what you’re feeling
Learn to say calmly, “I’m feeling ____ ( sad, hurt,
criticized, angry, neglected, ignored, at risk).”
Give grace to yourself and others.
Develop empathy, “What are you feeling right
now?”
Stop trying to fix, advise, or correct others.
Practice the Golden Rule: Treat others the way
you want to be treated.
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Everybody thinks they’re Dudley
do right!
You know you’re in the Dudley Do
Right role when you…
Feel worried, tired, pitying, re-
sponsible for everyone.
Are drawn to needy or wounded people (victims
like Nell!)
Are quick to identify who is in the Snidely
Whiplash role (even if you’re wrong).
Give lots of unsolicited advice.
Don’t believe others can function without you.
Want to be needed.
Says, “If I’m not rescuing someone I’m not a
good person.”
To get out of the Hero role….
Don’t expect others to be dependent on you
Stop giving unsolicited advice
Let bullies and victims work out conflicts on
their own (unless there’s a power imbalance).
Be available as coach but don’t let victims draw
you into their dependency.
Remember bullies may not mean to be bullies
but are feeling vulnerable and weak.
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The hero in this conflict is
______Why do I get the con-
The victim in this conflict is _____________________
The bully in this conflict is
__________________________
Parents: make copies of this page for each family member and have them fill in who they think is in what role. Then compare every-body’s answers with everyone else’s. Everyone may be shocked to learn how this conflict looks from another persons point of view.