KEEP SMILING No. 2

Ron, an elderly man from Australia, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond

out the back that was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables,

horseshoe courts and some orange and lime trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down

to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-litre bucket to

bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As

he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the

women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him:

“We’re not coming out until you leave!” Ron frowned: “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make

you get out of the pond naked.” Holding the bucket up Ron said: “I’m here to feed the crocs!

A driver is pulled over by a policeman who approaches the driver’s door. “Is there a problem officer?” The policeman says: “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?” The driver responds: “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.” “You don’t have one?” The man responds: “I lost it four times for drink driving. ”The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”“ I’m sorry, I can’t do that.” I stole this car and I took care of the owner. ”At this point the officer is getting irate. “You what!?” “She’s in the boot if you want to see.” The officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, says: “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!” The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem

sir?”“ One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.” “Murdered the owner?” The officer responds: “Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?” The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot. The officer says: “Is this your car sir?” The man says: “Yes,” and hands over the registration papers. The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. “One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence. ”The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.” The man replies: “I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding too

Prison walls are never built to scale Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough I don’t know how I got over the hill as I never reached the top. You start a sentence but forget what you ................. The little old lady that helped you across the road is your wife. Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired. Have you grown up and spread cheer or grown up and spread Age makes furniture more valuable and people worth less! My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it? It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees. When I'm holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess. It is not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . . Have I sent this message to you before...or did I get it from you! Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day

WORDS OF WISDOM

Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out. People are like teabags. Only judgable when they get into hot water If someone says: no offense, they about to say something offensive. What's the difference between unique and very unique? Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it. Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career. Too many cooks need a bigger kitchen The meek shall inherit the earth, but only after we're finished. Failure won’t overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong We may encounter many defeats but we must not be defeated He who has confidence in himself gains the confidence of others. It is easier to be wise for others than for ourselves. Focus on making yourself better, not on thinking that you are better. The one thing that money cannot buy is poverty. When you realise you've made a mistake, take immediate steps.

ANAGRAM

The USA president Donald Trump has been hit by Covid = The matter’s sad. I propound bleach in the veins, buddy

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and

health. It's a relief to know the truth. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer

fewer heart attacks than Brits. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart

attacks than Brits. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart

attacks than Brits. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart

attacks than Brits. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and

fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Being British is apparently what

kills you!!

Mahatma Gandhi was a peculiar person. He walked barefoot everywhere and his feet became quite thick

and hard. He went on hunger strikes and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he didn’t eat much and

became quite frail. He was also a very spiritual person. When he did eat, his diet was peculiar and he

developed very bad breath. He therefore became known as

a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!!!!

"I haven't got a computer, but I was told about Facebook and Twitter and I am trying to make

friends outside Facebook and Twitter while applying the same principles. Every day I walk down

the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before

and what I will do for the rest of the day. I give them pictures of my wife, my daughter, my dog

and my garden and on holiday, spending time by the pool....And it works! I already have four

people following me; two police officers, a social worker and a psychiatrist!"

Doctors say that Walking strengthens your heart, lowers disease risk, helps you

lose weight, prevents dementia, boosts vitamin D and gives you energy. Most

seniors never get enough exercise. In his wisdom God decreed that seniors

become forgetful, so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and

other things, thus doing more walking. I like long walks, especially when they

are taken by people who annoy me. The advantage of exercising every day is

so when you expire they'll say “well they look good don’t they?' I try to have a

long walk early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing. I

joined a health club last year and spent around £350 but I haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there! Every time I

hear the dirty word ‘exercise’, I wash my mouth out with lots and lots of chocolate. We get heavier as we get older, because

there's a lot more information in our heads.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

At our age some of our body parts have either been taken out or are worn out! We may

scour the paper to see if anyone we know has died, or read about the huge range of

‘celebrities’ that have passed away in the last year, many of whom are younger than us!

We will wait all evening for a special TV programme to come on, only to nod off and wake

up when the credits are rolling. When driving, everyone else is a maniac or ‘boy racer.’

We grumble about today’s dreadful modern ‘music’ which we always compare unfavourably to the ‘magic’ of the 60’s

music and still remember all the words of most of the songs. We can guarantee that every time we go out, we will meet

someone who will mention the weather and the ‘good old days.’ It’s great to not worry about work or commuting, but

benefitting from free prescriptions, travel subsidies, ‘concessionary’ outings and a State Pension. Also, for having the time

to participate in numerous activities. As Harold Macmillan once said ‘Most people have never had it so good’ Let’s

embrace it

DINGBATS SET A

DINGBATS SET B

DINGBAT ANSWERS

SET A

1. Right between the eyes 2. Pat on the back 3. Incoming message 4. Mail on Sunday 5. Ice Cube 6. Little by little 7. High School 8. Fiddler on the roof 9. Eternal triangle 10. Blank Cheque 11. Rub up the wrong way 12. Big show off

SET B

1 Excuse my French 2 Two’s Company, three’s a crowd 3. The fifth element 4. Born on the 4th of July 5. Dead ringer for love 6. Dolly mixture 7. Easy on the eye 8. Much ado about nothing 9. Doctor in the house 10. Bob’s your uncle 11Divide and Conquer 12. No idea