KAIZENfamily structures

KAIZENfamily structures

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ABOUTToday’s society is always changing. Nowadays we tend to focus our attention on what we have made worse, and not what we have improved. Kaizen is an independent magazine that looks at issues and subjects in our society that we have changed for the better.

This issue focuses on changes in the standard family structure. As we adapt to the modern world, new families make us question ‘what is today’s typical family?’ In this magazine we will look closely into these new families and how their unique structure fits into today’s society.

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7 Nuclear Families

15 Only Children

23 Divorced Parents

29 Single Parents

37 Multicultural Families

CONTENTS

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Nuclear Families

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In the future perhaps the only proudly traditional families left in Britain will be those of politicians, using their wives and children as props. Jon Cruddas, a prominent Labour Party strategist, says that “stable, secure families” are the “bedrock of our lives”. According to Iain Duncan Smith, the Conservative welfare secretary, the last government “cloaked neglect of the family under the veil of neutrality.” The prime minister wants to encourage marriage through a tax break. Yet society is changing beneath the politicians’ feet.

The proportion of marriages that dissolve quickly has fallen to levels last seen in the late 1970s. Meanwhile, according to data from the General Lifestyle Survey, the proportion of families headed by a single parent dropped from 27% in 2002 to 22% in 2011. Even the increase in the proportion of children born out of wedlock has slowed

markedly, though it has not yet plateaued.Fertility has unexpectedly recovered from its 1990s lows, pushing Britain’s birth rate back up almost to 1970s levels. At the start of this century, a hypothetical average British woman had just 1.63 children over her lifetime. Now she has 1.93. This is partly because of an influx of immigrants, who tend

to have more children. But British-born women are having more babies, too. Remarkably, increasing fertility has coincided with later births. The average mother now has her first child at the age of 28,up from 24 in 1970.Yet all this does not mean the old-fashioned nuclear family is back. Rather, the British family has pretty much splintered.

Since the 1980s the number of marriages has collapsed to Victorian levels. Divorces have climbed from 16,000 per year in 1945 to over 117,000 per year now. In 2011 the proportion of children born out of wedlock reached 47%, up from around a fifth in the 1980s. Birth rates and family sizes are well below their 1960s peaks. As Spencer Thompson of IPPR, a think-tank, puts it: “The two-parent, male-breadwinner family is basically extinct.”Yet these trends, which seemed inexorable, are variously slowing, stopping and reversing.

The Post-Nuclear Age

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There are now three broad family types, identified with the educated professional classes, the native working classes and immigrants. Each is going its own way.

The first, well-to-do, group has largely held to old fashioned ideas about marriage. Among professionals, births within marriage are four times as common as births where the father is registered as absent from the household—a proportion that has hardly changed in the past decade. And in some ways the upper middle classes are coming to seem more orthodox.

Their fertility is rising, points out Ann Berrington, a demographer at the University of Southampton. Women married to senior managers or professional husbands now wait until they are almost thirty three years old before having a child—four years longer than women married to less well-off husbands. As young upper middle-class women entered university in large numbers in the 1990s, birth rates and marriage rates dropped as children were put off in favour of careers. They are now making up for lost time.

The second group, composed of people doing “routine” or “semi-routine” (ie, blue-collar) jobs, is going in the opposite direction. In 2001, 53% of these workers were married, now just 44% are. They are ever more likely to have children out of wedlock. The British working classes have always had different social mores to the middle classes. Even in the 1940s working-class audiences thought “Brief Encounter”, a film in which a middle-class wife resists adultery, ludicrous. Accordingto a Mass Observation study of the period, perhaps a fifth of women committed adultery.

The sharp decline of marriage among manual workers partly reflects the fact that working-class people were never quite as committed to the institution anyway. But it may also be down to the relative decline of working-class men’s earning power. A study by the Resolution Foundation, a think-tank, found that between 1968 and 2008 women accounted for three times more of working class families’ income growth than men. Coupled with a more generous welfare system, this has made women far less dependent on a man’s income to raise children.

The final family group is composed of immigrants. Whether Bangladeshi or Polish, newcomers tend to be conservative. Overall, some 75% of the children of foreign born mothers are born within marriage, far higher than the figure of 46% for British-born mothers. In some groups, such as Indians, who tend to marry young and have children quickly, illegitimacy is almost unheard of.Foreign-born women now make up a quarter of new mothers in Britain, and over half in London.

In inner-London boroughs such as Tower Hamlets and Newham there is a discernable “double hump” of fertility, says Baljit Bains, a demographer at the Greater London Authority. There are lots of children born to young Asian women in their early 20s, and lots to born to professional mothers in their 30s, but few in between. Still, foreigners and ethnic minorities seem to be gradually converging on white British norms. They are marrying less, divorcing more and having fewer children.

In this confusing new world, it is hard to talk about a traditional family type. What may be happening instead is that, a little like home-ownership, marriage is turning into a luxury good, an ideal to which most aspire, rather than the default option. Inevitably, that means children are often born and raised in all manner of circumstances. However despite the fears of churchmen, politicians and the rest, they are not obviously the worse off for it. Crime continues to decline, for example. Perhaps it is time for politicians to adapt to the modern world insteadof trying to change it back.

“ it is hard to talk about a traditional family type ”

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Only Children

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Call me a terrible mother. I have an only child. For now at least, I’m planning to keep it that way, for my happiness and for hers. But the notion that an only child might be a happy one contradicts strong cultural beliefs. According to these, children like mine will end up rotten with selfishness and beset by loneliness.

And negative assumptions about parents who deprive their child of siblings strengthen the general opprobrium against only children. If a child doesn’t have siblings, it’s generally assumed that there’s a hush-hush reason for it: we don’t like being parents (because we are selfish), we care more about our status — work, money, materialism — than our child (because we are selfish), or we waited too long (because we are selfish). When have you heard someone say an only child is better off?

A general picture emerges that only children are loners, misfits and always, always selfish. I don’t buy it. As an only child, with one of my own, and as someone who has just spent three years writing about the subject, I’m convinced that if, by dint of will or biology, you have an only child, you can stop worrying about it.

Don’t take my word for it. Consider the data: in hundreds of studies during the past decades exploring 16 character traits — including leadership, maturity, extroversion, social participation, popularity, generosity, cooperativeness, flexibility, emotional stability, contentment — only children scored just as well as children with siblings. And endless research shows that only children are, in fact, no more self involved than anyone else. It turns out brutal sibling rivalry isn’t necessary to beat the ego out of us; peers and classmates do the job.

Only Children: Lonely and Selfish?

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Nor are only children lonelier. Toni Falbo at the University of Texas and her colleague Denise Polit are among the many researchers who have explored the question of whether only children are lonelier than those who have siblings. Their findings suggest that solitude is not synonymous with loneliness and often strengthens character. As one psychotherapist explained to me, only children tend to have stronger primary relationships with themselves. And nothing provides better armor against loneliness.An Ohio State survey of more than 13,000 children found that only children had as many friends as anyone else; many of the only children I interviewed had cherished and nurtured friendships that they often regarded with a familial senseof permanence and loyalty.

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The differences between only children and those raised with siblings tend to be positive ones. Ms. Falbo and Ms. Polit examined hundreds of studies in the 1980s and found that only children had demonstrably higher intelligence and achievement; only children have also been found to have more self-esteem. These findings, which have been confirmed repeatedly in recent years, hold true regardless of whether parents of only children stayed together and regardless of economic class.

Researchers like the sociologist Judith Blake believe these qualities result from the fact that parents who have just one child are able to devote more resources — time, money and attention — to them than parents who have to divide resources among more children.The idea that only children are precocious persists and may, as Ms. Blake suggests, be connected with the fact that only children are often raised in richer verbal environments and share meals and other activities with adults. (I love it that an artist friend still brags that my daughter was 2 when she insisted that a crayon was “magenta, not pink.”)

My research suggests that only children experience more intensely emotional family lives. The parental gaze is more focused; the love more concentrated. This intensity can be enriching, and also suffocating. Many adult only children told me that they wanted their first child to have a sibling precisely because this kind of intensity wastoo much for them.

At the end of their parents’ lives, only children are sometimes said to be burdened in ways that children with siblings aren’t. Data from the National Alliance for Caregiving show that, in fact, the closest living sibling most often shoulders responsibility for elder caretaking. Still there is something existentially troubling about the idea of facing one’s parents’ mortality alone; in my interviews with hundreds of only children, I found that this was the issue people felt most viscerally about when deciding whether they wanted to have one or more children.

Given that about one in five American families now have just one child, this seems like a good time to question the misconceptions about only children and the dangers of raising a child without siblings. For one thing, one child families make obvious sense in a time of diminishing resources. This may explain recent studies showing that parents who have one child tend to be happier. (In a recent study at the University of Pennsylvania, for example, Hans-Peter Kohler surveyed 35,000 sets of twins and found that of those women who had children, the happiest ones were those who hadjust one child.)

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Call me selfish but, as the mother of one child, I enjoy more time, energy and resources than I would if I had more children. And it is hard to imagine that this isn’t better for my family as well as for me.

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Most people say they have their first child for themselves and the second to benefit their first. But if children aren’t inherently worse off without siblings, who is best served by this kind of thinking? Instead of making family choices to fulfill breeding assignments we imagine we’ve been given, we might ensure that our most profound choice is a purely independent, personal one. To do so might even feel like something people rarely associate with parenting: it might feel like freedom.

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Divorced Parents

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Divorce and separation are major life changing events for the adults involved but they can also be very hurtful and stressful events in the lives of children. Whether unmarried or married, lesbi-an, gay or heterosexual, many couples with children come to a point in their lives where a decision is to be made to end a relationship. It is hard to predict the impact of the family breakdown on everyone involved but more often than not there is a degree of hurt felt by the parents and children alike. It is easy for others to offer advice about the best way to approach this and trying to be amicable is best for all. However, this is not always easily done because of deep felt emotions that perhaps feel raw at the time.

Why Contact With Both Parents Is Important After Separating

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Ending the relationship does not mean an end to the parental relationship that adults have with their children. Although you may think that the decision to break up suggests the end of conflict in a relationship, conflict often continues as you try to sort out arrangements around children, money and housing. Disagreements may continue but the way that they are approached can make a difference to the way that your children experience the break up.

Contact counts and it is very important for a child to be able to see both parents and encouraged to build a relationship up with the non-resident parent in most cases.

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Working out contact arrangements can be a difficult thing to do especially if there is resentment, negative emotions towards each other, etc. However, the child's feelings should be the focal point in driving forward these arrangements as amicably as possible. There are two routes that can be taken when arranging contact and that is formal or informal. If you choose to informally work out these arrangements between yourselves, there can be a degree of flexibility but it requires commitment and consistency from both parents. You could ask a mutual friend or family member to help facilitate the arrangements so it can be worked out amicably and fairly. This will also help to ensure the focus is kept on contact arrangements rather than drifting onto other issues. It might also be helpful to write the agreed contact arrangements down and keep a record of this.

If you choose the formal route, this could be either voluntary mediation or perhaps through a court order. This can be a very expensive route to take but the circumstances surrounding the family breakdown may require this. It can also take a lot of time and patience. If you choose to take things formally, it is important to get a recommended lawyer who specialises in family law. It is important to seek advice from impartial organisations too like Children's Legal Centre and Families Need Fathers for further advice on what to expect if you do go to court, legal aid, parental responsibility and more.

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When you find a new partner, you might feel as if it would be easier to start afresh as a new family if contact with your ex is difficult or makes you uncomfortable. As far as your children are concerned, your ex is one of a kind and they would feel lost if all ties were cut. You can stop being a partner but you can never stop being a parent. Your new partner may be a good carer but they cannot replace a parent. You can be a happy and strong family at the same time as letting your children keep in touch with a parent who doesn't live with them.

When your ex finds a new partner it's understandable that you mayfeel angry and upset, particularly if you’re still struggling to come to terms with the split. Unless you have real concerns about your children’s safety with your ex’s partner, you may have to let go and put your children's well being above your own feelings.

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Single Parents

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The Single Parent Juggling Act

I was talking with a single mom recently who described her day like this, but I think it probably is true for a lot of you out there, as well: “I rush home from work, dash off to the supermarket, pick the kids up from practice, go home and try to get dinner on the table. The arguing begins when I ask them to help out, and they start fighting with me. Any time I tell my oldest “no” these days, she screams, ‘I hate you – you are the worst mother in the world! I wish I could live full-time with Dad!’ I explode, then she runs out of the room, slamming her bedroom door. I’m so tired of playing out this scene night after night!”

It takes confidence, resilience and courage. If you’re a single mom or dad, rest assured you’re not alone: according to the United States Census Bureau, one of every two children will live in single parent homes before they reach the age of 18.

There are many difficulties in raising kids in a two-parent home as well, but to raise them alone has its own special set of challenges. Day-to-day parenting becomes more daunting when a parent is overburdenedand under-supported.

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“I feel so worn down.” It’s important to remember that children naturally fight to get what they want. To not be worn down and give in to your child’s demands and challenging behaviors can take a superhuman effort when you never get a break. Added to this, if you’re separated or divorced, your energy may still be absorbed in ongoing conflicts with your ex. Children from divorced homes sometimes get pulled into the middle of these conflicts and might have a lot of complicated feelings around the breakup. They may disrespect their parents and feel they’re “owed” for the disruption to their lives by acting rebellious, defiant or entitled. Other kids feel like they need to fill in the role of the missing parent, and start acting like the boss instead of the child they are.

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“ In some ways, being a single parent is similar,

If the single parent is widowed, their energy may be absorbed in their grief. It may take a long time for the remaining spouse to get back on his/her feet. The child might become the caretaker of the grieving parent or try to fill the void of the missing one. If you add to the mix a child with a learning disability, ADHD, or Oppositional Defiant Disor-der, you can feel extreme exhaustion and isolation without a partner to step in when you are overwhelmed and at the end of your rope.

Single parents simply do not have this luxury, because there isn’t anyone there to pick up the slack or give them a break.

As a result of the stresses and strains, a single parent might tend to “give in” to their child’s demands from pure exhaustion, and then lose it on their kids from exasperation.

It might sometimes feel like you and your child have become like bickering siblings rather than parent and child. Or as time goes by, you might look to your child as a source of support, but start to feel uncomfortable about displeasing them.

except you’re doing everything other parents doonly solo ”

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These dynamics can happen naturally over time, but they make it difficult to set limits with their children and to be respected as the authority in your home, which can make your life a lot more challenging in the long run.

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Develop a support network for yourself. I can’t state enough how important this one is. Work on building a network of caring individuals around you and your child. Share holidays and go on day trips with family and trusted friends if you can so they get to know your children. Encourage your children to use them as supports when necessary. Discuss with your friends your big decision issues. Vent your frustrations and share your joys with them. Developing strong adult relationships will help prevent you from leaning too heavily on your children for emotional support, too.

Expect your children to treat you with respect, even when they grow bigger and stronger than you. Insist from day one that they respect you. Never put up with abuse. You are their parent and they need to treat you as such. Do not allow yourself to get entangled in endless debates or arguments. Once you have decided “no,” calmly disengage. Give yourself some time to decide your answer. If it’s appropriate, give them a chance to negotiate with you, but once you have given their request some reasonable thought, end the conversation, even if they are not happy with your decision.

Manage your expectations of yourself and others. Be realistic and reasonable. Your kids will do well and turn out “good enough” when you calm down and allow yourself to be “fine enough” as a parent. That means accepting your limits and imperfections so they can come to terms with their own. You don’t need to be, nor can you be, a “super parent”—and if you try to be one, your stress will get in the way of that goal. Be compassionate and reasonable toward yourselfand your kids.

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Spend uninterrupted time with your kids. Have time with your kids, even if it is just twenty minutes. Get to know the important people in their lives such as their teachers, coaches and friends. Create routines and rituals with your family. Whether you vacation each year in the same place, have holidays with the same extended family or have a special evening or Sunday routine, stick with it as best you can. These daily, weekly, monthly or yearly routines become a tremendous support for kids after a break up or loss in the family. The routines also provide kids with a sense of security, continuity and a healthy sense of family togetherness.

Try to maintain a mature relationship with your ex. If you are separated or divorced, work at being civil with one another. Ongoing conflicts often have a negative effect on children, and can leave them feeling bitter, frustrated, withdrawn and stressed. Work to manage your communication and emotions well so your child isn’t caught in the middle of your battles. If you have a difficult relationship with your ex, the first step is to stop contributing to the conflict. It takes two to participate, but only one to stop. If your ex criticizes you to the kids, just respond by saying that you are comfortable with how you are handling things, rather than defending yourself or throwing back a jab. This way your children are not in a position to have to decide which parent is right, wrong, better or worse. Kids want to be free to have good feelings toward both parents and get on with their lives. Children will appreciate you if you put your energy toward maintaining good relationships with them rather than trying to provewhat a jerk their other parent is.

If you are widowed or have been left, get the support you need to grieve so that you can move forward. Work to get back on your own feet so that your children don’t feel they have to hold you up. If you are having difficulty getting there after a period of time, consider seeking out professional help or a support group.

It’s also important to be a listening ear for your children when they need to express their feelings about being in a single parent home. There is no need to defend yourself. They are not blaming you even if it sounds like they are. They might just be unhappy with the situation. Expressing their feelings and being heard by you will help them come to terms with things.

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Multicultural Families

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Challenges of Choosing

One of the challenges that a multicultural family have is deciding what traditions to keep. Families who have a family with different religions will need to decide what religion will be shared with the children. For example, a multicultural family with one parent who is Asian and another parent who is Hispanic; this family would need to decide how much of each of their cultures to share with their children.

Learning About Different Cultures

The biggest benefit of having a multicultural family is the fact that two people learn about a culture that they may know absolutely nothing about before meeting the spouse. This also means that the children will learn about two cultures and have the identities of both cultures. These families will be able to attend events from both culturesand this will make their lives very full.

Choosing an Identity

The benefit can also be a disadvantage. Many families and individuals use their culture as their identity. When children are raised in a multicultural family, they may not have a clear cultural group to identify with, as they are not quite one culture and not quite the other. This can be very challenging for children who have physical features of two different cultures, especially with children who are African American and Caucasian. However, young people tend to be more accepting of people with different cultures, so it is not as difficult as it has been in the past for multicultural children and families.

More Traditions to Share

Individual cultures have so many traditions that are enough to keepa family busy, but with two cultures, there are that many more activities, celebrations and ideas to share. One of the challenges that multicultural families have to work through is maintaining good relationships with the grandparents. As grandparents taught the traditions to their children, they will want their children to share those traditions with their grandchildren, too. It can be difficult for the grandparents to see their grandchildren not learn the traditions that they thought were important enough to share.

Share Experience with Other Children

Another benefit of being from a multi-cultural family is that children grow up to be multicultural adults. These adults will have the experience of growing up in a multicultural family and they can share this experience with children who are growing up in a multicultural family.

“ it is not as difficult as it has been in the past for multicultural

children and families ”

Difficulties Facing Multicultural Families

All over the world, there are more multicultural families. Whether these are families with parents with different skin color, with different religions, or different lifestyles, these families have to make decisions that will affect how they raise their children. Multicultural families have to decide what traditions they want to combine and some create their very own traditions.

Making families work is challenging, but making a multicultural family work has more challenges. Despite the challenges, there are many advantages to being in a multicultural family.

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The EconomistChanging Families: The Post Nuclear Ageby Benedict Farrow

The Sunday ReviewOnly Children: Lonely and Selfish?by Lauren Sandler

Family LivesWhy Contact With Both Parents Is Important After Separatingby George Martin

Empowering ParentsThe Single Parent Juggling Actby Debbie Pincus

FemguideThe Difficulties Facing Multicultural Familiesby Kristen Harrington

ARTICLES

kaizen

Designed and Published by Julia Beck

Edinburgh College of ArtNovember 2013

issue one | nov 2013 | £4