Journal Entry,

Breanna Nielsen

March 22nd 2010,

Entry 1: The Situation

I’ve never kept a journal before, let alone taken the time to sit down and write things,

feelings. Dr. Monroe said it takes some time to get used to writing a journal and that a 40 year

old man like myself may take a little longer to warm up to the idea of sharing my feelings, even

if it is just shared with between myself, a pen, and a pad of paper. She asked me to write a

summary of the situation that got me here, saying that it will help me to “clear my conscience,

regain hope, and restore honor and certainty in myself”. So here goes nothing…

It was Saturday night. I had just gotten home from a 12 hour work day out on the

construction site. I immediately went for the liquor cabinet, feeling the urge to forget about

everything that happened during the day. I took a swig from the bottle of whiskey, never

considering grabbing a glass, I continued to sip from the bottle in which I gained so much

comfort from. The next few hours following are all a blur. Sarah came home from her night shift

and I was sitting on the couch, still drinking. She walked into the living room, also stressed out

from her night at work, she began to pick up bags of chips and bowls that I had spilled over,

while scolding me for the mess. The next few moments replay in my mind like a film real with

only 3 slides being played over and over. The alcohol had sunken into my bloodstream, and I

had lost control of my body and mind. When I look back at the situation now, I visualize myself

from another body’s perspective as the event takes place. My conscience was screaming at me

in disbelief, but my body followed through as I swung my back hand across her cheek. My heart

sunk as I saw her petite body fall off balance and helplessly drop to the floor.

This wasn’t the first time I had hurt her, but I wanted it to be the last. And this is why I

came to Dr. Monroe; to help me restore the feelings I have towards myself, despite my past

actions, while also helping to me to overcome my drinking addiction.

March 31th 2010,

Entry 3: 120km/hr, 1975

I saw a photograph in a store window today. It was called 120km/hr, 1975. It showed a

person sitting on a crossing gate while a train came rushing past in a blur. I could not help but

think about the photograph, and how it related to my situation, as well as reminded me of the

accident. Each time the accident replayed in my mind, I felt like that person sitting on the

crossing gate would have; helpless and unable to take any action but sit and watch as the train

passed right in front of them. Just as the accident was “uncontrollable” in my condition, and I

couldn’t do anything but watch as my body took a swing at her, and still cannot do anything but

watch, as the memory passes through my brain 120 km/hr every hour on the hour. In the

scenario in the photograph, as the train passes by, or even once it has past, you can still hear

the train, feel its vibrations through the ground, and see the smoke as it fills up the clean blue

sky, just as I still have to deal with the consequences of my actions, manage the guilt that has

built inside of me, and restore the honor and certainty in myself which I have weakened, due to

the accident.

April 12th 2010

Entry 5: Redemption

I had an appointment with Dr. Monroe today. She said she was very impressed by my

improvement throughout the past few weeks. During our appointment she brought forward an

excerpt from a story called Redemption. It revolved around a boy named Jack who had

accidently killed his brother and was living in guilt because of his actions. What Dr. Monroe

suggested to do was, like Jack did in the story, find something to confide in, to give myself joy.

Something that would clear my mind of the past and would help me rebuild my confidence and

self respect. At the end of the appointment she gave me a harmonica and the second

paragraph in the excerpt from Redemption, saying that playing around with it and creating my

own tunes would help me vent and relax, and to finish reading the rest of the excerpt and

record my feelings on it.

I finished reading the excerpt. It ended with Jack in his French horn lesson, listening to

his teacher play. He asked if the teacher thought Jack would ever be as good as him.

Discouragingly the teacher let him down, giving him the Impression that he wouldn’t be, and

when Jack left the lesson, the teacher asked if he would see him at the next lesson, and

although his honor and certainty and been broken, he said he would be there again. I was

inspired that, although he had been shattered by the actions of his teacher he was going to

stick to it.