John R. Williams

Getting Smart About Love, Matching & Marriage

John R. Williams

Love Needs to Be Learned

“Our ability to love requires a period of growth.” Father

John R. Williams

Review: True Love

John R. Williams

What Is True Love?

John R. Williams

Definition & Qualities of True Love

1. Unselfish

2. Unconditional

3. Serving and sacrificial

4. Unique

5. Constant and unchanging

6. Forgiving

7. Moral and principled

Living for the sake of others

John R. Williams

Love Between Men and Women Is Often Not True

Often it is selfish and distorted

Partners hurt each other, their families and God

People believe many questionable ideas about love, sex and marriage

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Questionable Ideas about Love, Matching & Marriage

1. There’s No Reason to Involve My Parents in Finding Someone for Me

2. Dating Experiences Would Better Prepare Me for Marriage

3. Real Love Just Happens to You; You Can’t Really Learn to Love Someone

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John R. Williams

Idea 1:There’s No Reason to Involve My Parents in Finding Someone for Me

Ramon

John R. Williams

Ramon

“Trying to learn to love someone my parents pick out is crazy. Arranged marriage is a weird Asian thing. My parents don’t really understand me, anyway.

“I want to find someone myself and do it the normal way. I’ll know what I want when I see her. If my parents approve, great, but that’s not the main thing.

“There’s no reason to involve my parents in finding someone for me.”

John R. Williams

There’s No Reason to Involve My Parents in Finding Someone for Me?

Related ideas: Arranged marriages

are backward and don’t work

I know what is best for me

Discussion: How might this

make sense? In what ways

does this idea not make sense?

John R. Williams

Good Matches Have Horizontal & Vertical Aspects

Purpose

Friendship

Commitment

Marital Love

Passion

Adapted from Robert Sternberg’s Triangle

Theory of Love

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Unarranged Marriages Begin with the Horizontal

Friends & Lovers

1. Friendship Shared interests

2. Passion Sexual attraction

Purpose

Friendship

Commitment

Marital Love Passion

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Arranged Marriages Begin with the Vertical

Partners in Purpose1. Commitment Good character2. Purpose Shared faith,

values and goalsPurpose

Friendship

Commitment

Marital Love

Passion

More important Basis for lasting respect Less changeable

John R. Williams

It’s Hard to Find Both Sides of a Good Match by Yourself

Many people fail

1. Easy to lose objectivity and get distracted by the horizontal

Appearances, sexual attraction, surface charms

2. Easy to get attached to the wrong person

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Consulting Parents Makes Sense

Parents bring certain benefitsKnow you in ways you may not know yourselfSee the other person more objectivelyUnderstand what qualities lifelong marriage requiresHave a personal interest in success and take the task seriouslyBring God’s support

You Are Still the One Making the Choice and Decision

The result is the same—you own the decision to marry a particular personThe only difference is in how you find partners to considerYou can be highly involved in the screening processDiscussing your views of marriage, potential partners and your preferences is enlightening for both sides

John R. Williams

John R. Williams

10 Advantages of Arranged Marriage I

1. Freedom from pressure to “shop” for a mate

2. Freedom from dating hurts and sexual pressures

3. Can focus on our personal preparation

4. The relationship begins with fewer illusions

5. Marriages tend to be more stable and enduring

6. Love builds more naturally

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Love in Arranged Marriages Surpasses Unarranged Ones

Love in arranged marriages tends to build over time

Love in unarranged marriages tends to decline

Unarranged Marriage

Arranged Marriage

5 Years

10 Years

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10 Advantages of Arranged Marriage II

7. Honors the two families involved

8. Better in-law relations from beginning

9. Helps prevent abusive relationships

10. Can trust in elders’ wisdom during difficulties later

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John R. Williams

Idea 2:Dating Experiences Would Better Prepare Me for Marriage

Gregg

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Gregg

“My parents arranged Merlita for me. She seems like a good person. But I keep wondering about all the other girls out there.

“If I could date different girls, I’d learn more about women and about myself. I’d know more about what kind of girl I like and be more ready to make a commitment.

“Dating experiences would better prepare me for marriage.”

John R. Williams

Dating Experiences Would Better Prepare Me for Marriage?

Related ideas: More experience makes

you grow as a person

It’s better to have lots of experiences before you settle down to marry

Practice makes perfect

Discussion: How might this

make sense? In what ways

does this idea not make sense?

John R. Williams

Dating Sets Up Pressure for Emotional & Physical Involvement

1. Pairing up invites falling in love with each other

You cannot control each other’s responses

2. Emotional involvements are distracting

3. Boy-Girl games are not helpful

4. The longer people date, the more certain they will get physical and lose their purity

John R. Williams

Romantic Involvements with No Future Cause Damage

1. Easy to get hurt and then suspicious and guarded in later relationships

“I fall in love. I get hurt. It’s no fun. What’s the point?” Joshua Harris

2. Damages the whole-hearted bonding power of “first love” intended for our mate

Fear of opening up the heart

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Past Experience Can Harm the Future Marriage

Comparisons of your mate to past partners in artificially appealing dating situations

Selfish “shopping” attitude towards the opposite sex based on externals and how they meet your needs

Habit of ending relationships when unpleasant

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“Practice Makes Perfect” Applies to Spouse Only

Brother and sister-type relationships and friendships are the best preparation for marriage

You only need to learn how to make one partner happy

Comfort and security of commitment is the best circumstance to learn how to love each other

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30John R. Williams

Idea 3:Real Love Just Happens to You; You Can’t Really Learn to Love Someone

Alicia

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Alicia

“I get the idea of the matching and how you’re supposed to learn to love each other… But it seems so unromantic. And not much fun! I don’t want to suffer like my parents and struggle to learn to just get along. I want to really be in love.“Real love is something that comes over you and another person, and you can’t control it. It’s either there or it it’s not. “Real love just happens to you; you can’t really learn to love someone.”

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Real Love Is What Happens to You; You Can’t Learn to Love Someone?

Related Ideas With real love, you don’t have

to try Love is either there or it isn’t You can’t control whom you

love Learning to love is too hard Falling in love means you

found the right person

Discussion: How might

this make sense?

In what ways does this idea not make sense?

John R. Williams

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Falling in Love Is Exciting & Good

Falling in love is exhilarating and beneficial Moves partners to do loving things for each otherMotivates couples to marry and be unafraid of the futureProvides happy experiences to remember laterIt can come suddenly or slowly

34John R. Williams

Strong Couples Are Both Friends & Lovers

1. Couples may start with either one Some begin “warm” as friends, and passionate

“falling in love” comes later Others start “hot” with passion, and gradually

build their friendship

2. Matched couples usually start with friendship

Friendship Marital Love

Passion

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Starting with Friendship Has Advantages

Not starting “crazy in love” has benefits

1. Partners see and consider each other more clearly

They know and accept each other’s strengths and weaknesses

2. Romance builds on a more solid foundation With more realistic expectations

3. Companionship counts more than passion in daily married life

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Learning to Love Does Not Mean Struggling as in Earlier Blessings

Especially with parents’ matching You are expected to develop some

friendship first You should believe you can create passion

too before you commit to engagement Some couples fall madly in love quite soon

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37John R. Williams

Love Can Either Be a Feeling or Decision

Feeling of love or decision to love—which?

1. “I love pizza.”2. “Show love to your little brother even though

you’re mad at him.”3. “I think I love her.”4. “Love your enemies.”5. “I loved him as soon as I saw him.”

All Lasting Relationships Require Sometimes Deciding to Love

With family and friendships

You have feelings of love

But also need to learn how to give love when you don’t feel like it

In marriage The “honeymoon”

period can’t last forever You have to learn to

strengthen friendship and rebuild passion

When it no longer comes easily

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39John R. Williams

All Couples Must Decide to Learn to Love I

Passion & RomanceIt usually

starts out strong with passion and romantic feelings

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All Couples Must Decide to Learn

to Love IPassion & Romance

Conflict

Initial “in love” feelings naturally fade, and the partners’ many real differences come out Tensions build

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All Couples Must Decide to Learn to Love II

Passion & Romance

Conflict

• Escape• Co-Exist

Some partners give up: Escape the marriage Or live together with no expectations of closeness

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All Couples Must Decide to Learn to Love III

Passionate Friendship

Passion & Romance

Commitment to Learn to Love

All successful couples decide to learn how to create true love with each other

Conflict

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Falling in Love Is Not Completely Outside Our Control

1. Love as a feeling and attraction cannot be completely controlled

2. But we can choose attitudes and actions that either invite or discourage feelings of love

To invite warm feelings with those we want To discourage such feelings towards those

we do not This is an essential skill in marriage

Under What Conditions Might You Start “Falling in Love” with Someone?

It is somewhat mysterious but it also somewhat predictable

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Factors Involved withHow We Fall in Love I

1. They get your attention—attract or annoy2. They are kind, caring 3. They seem trustworthy and safe4. They meet your other emotional needs,

especially unconscious ones5. Sharing interests, fun and positive

experiences6. Going through hardships together

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Factors Involved withHow We Fall in Love II

7. Being around each other, sharing same history

8. Sharing personal concerns, being listened to and empathized with

9. Through touch and physical affection

10. Achieving something together

11. Respecting, admiring them, and sharing important values in common

47John R. Williams

Science Confirms We Can Learn to Love Our Mate

Arranged marriages are being studied as successful alternative to the current failed model of dating and mating

Research shows that certain attitudes and practices make for success in marriage

John R. Williams

John Williams, MMFT

John.Coach1@gmail.com

973.666.2145

Note for Presentation

(Can show “Arranged Marriage Song” music video from YouTube as warm up)

Show “Arranged Marriages Part 2” from YouTube.com at the end of topic 1

Show “Real Deal” chapter 4 DVD at the end of topic 3