TEASER

INT. J.D’S BEDROOM - MORNING

J.D is curled up on the floor under his bed. He uses a Raggedy Andy Doll as a pillow, a goofy, satisfied grin on his face. His alarm clock goes off. He slides out from under the bed, some of the doll’s red hair stuck to his cheek.

J.D (V.O)You may be wondering why I’m waking up under my bed. Well, Nickelodeon was having a Fred Savage marathon on TV last night and Little Monsters was last on the billing.

J.D looks down at Raggedy Andy. He strokes his face, a loving gaze.

J.DOne day Andy. One day they will come for us.

INT. J.D’S BATHROOM - MORNING

J.D opens up the shower curtain and is shocked to find TURK sleeping in the bathtub.

J.DAhhhhh!

TURK(wakes up)

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!

J.DWhat the hell are you doing in here?

TURKCarla kicked me out bed.

J.DWhy’d she do that?

FLASH TO:

INT. TURK AND CARLA’S BEDROOM - THE NIGHT BEFORE

CARLA lays in bed and wears a sleeping mask.

CARLABaby, do you smell something?

TURK (O.S, MUFFLED)No.

CARLAYou better not be eating in bed again, you know my rule.

We then PAN to TURK, who chomps down on a hoagie, maybe six feet in length.

FLASH BACK TO:

INT. JD’S BATHROOM - MORNING

TURK now gets up and brushes a piece of meat away from his shoulder.

J.DWhy didn’t you crash on my bed then?

TURKI tried but you kept yelling out ‘California’ in your sleep.

J.DWere you just mocking Jimmy from The Wizard? He was autistic you know.

TURKNo he wasn’t, he was just quiet. Anyway, I have some bad news. I found this in the drain last night.

Turk passes J.D’s only CHEST HAIR, the one and only CLANCY.

J.DClancy!

J.D holds the hair up, depressed.

INT. SACRED HEART, HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - MORNING

J.D and TURK walk the corridors of the hospital.

J.D (V.O)I couldn’t stop thinking about Clancy and the good times we had together.

J.D touches his chest, a reminiscent look on his face.

TURKDude, stop touching yourself.

2.

J.DYou know he only had a few days left until retirement.

Turk gives him a strange look.

J.D (CONT’D)Oh, I’ve started swimming down at the Y. I was gonna shave for aerodynamics.

FLASH TO:

EXT. SWIMMING POOL - EARLY MORNING (FANTASY SEQUENCE)

J.D is completely shaven- legs, hair, even his eyebrows. He stands at the edge of the pool, arms wrapped around his body. He sticks his toe in the water. It’s freezing.

J.DI’m just gonna wait....little cold.

FLASH BACK TO:

INT. NURSES STATION - MORNING

Back to J.D and TURK, who are now joined by CARLA and ELLIOT.

J.DYou know if you want, you can start calling me ‘The Trout’.

Turk ignores J.D, and leans in to give Carla a kiss, but she backs away.

TURKWhat’s wrong baby?

CARLATurk, I woke up with salami in my ear!

TODD appears seemingly out of nowhere.

TODDDude, you said you’d call me when that happened.

CARLAI’ll give you five seconds, Todd.

Todd first smiles, then sees Turk, who implores Todd to get the hell out of there. Todd runs off.

3.

ELLIOTYou know I had some stale brie before I went to bed last night, had this dream that squirrels in little doctors coats were eating my face.

CARLAHow sweet.

ELLIOT (SMILES, REMINISCENT)They had little stethoscopes and everything.

J.D (V.O)The thought of squirrels in doctor’s coats eating Elliot’s eyes left me disturbingly aroused. But I couldn’t worry about that now. You see, today was the day that Dr. Cox and I were teaming up to deliver a lecture to the hospital board on the efficiency of the ICU. Now, if only I could find him.

J.DHas anyone seen Dr. Cox? Big guy, springy hair? Likes giving tough love speeches? Anyone?

EXT. SACRED HEART, CARPARK - MORNING

DR. COX in his sporty bike shorts, no shirt and sunglasses, sweats as he jogs through the car park of the hospital. His chest is oddly shiny.

BOB KELSO pulls up to him in his car. He winds down his window.

KELSOListen Perry. The budget is stretched as thin as it is, I can’t afford extra batches of KY Jelly just so you can impress the young female interns.

DR. COXLook, Robbie. I know the closest you ever got to looking like this was during the Garfield administration.

4.

(MORE)

And now every time you squint your beady little eyes and look in the mirror every morning, the very sight of your saggy skin covered in liver spots depresses you so much you feel it necessary to be an absolute pain to everyone around you....what I’m basically saying is, why should that stop everyone from enjoying my god given gift?

KELSOBlah, blah, blah, pole.

DR. COXExcuse me?

And Dr. Cox runs straight into a POLE and falls to the ground. Kelso just drives on by.

KELSOGod I love Tuesdays.

END TEASER

5.

DR. COX (cont'd)

ACT 1

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM ONE - DAY

DR. COX lays in bed in a blue hospital gown and has a bandage wrapped around his head. JORDAN is also in the room.

JORDANAre you an idiot?

DR. COXYour warmth....

(deep breath)....excuse me, I have something in my eye.

JORDANYou did this deliberately, didn’t you? You wanted to get out of going to Jack’s pre-school play.

DR. COXAs much as I absolutely loathe a group of gushy parents gathered around fifteen two-year-olds sitting around with their faces painted black, supposedly starring in, We Are the Dream- The Legacy of Martin Luther King Jr- which is really just the hippy teacher with chronic halitosis playing folk songs on his acoustic guitar while the kids chew on their feet....Actually, yes, yes I did, what other choice did I have?

Jordan, a snarly look.

DR. COX (CONT’D)So who’s the incompetent boob they got taking care of me in this god forsaken craphole?

J.D enters the room. He grins like a school girl.

J.DMorning sunshine.

DR. COXOh good god.

J.DYou know, if you wanted to get out of the lecture so bad, all you had to do was ask.

6.

DR. COXI am this close to getting out of this bed and shoving my I.V where the sun don’t shine.

JORDAN(in a boxing stance)

Do it Perry. Finish him.

J.DFirstly, not cool. Secondly, I’ve gone ahead and ordered a CT scan, bone density scan, EKG, blood cultures. We’re basically doing a full body work up. No stone left unturned for the big cheese.

DR. COXThat’s great newbie. And while you’re at it, why don’t you test me for the Ebola virus. Or how about Dutch Elm Disease, because yes, come to think of it, I have been feeling like a large tree lately.

J.DNow I don’t think that kind of talk....

DR. COX....Look Angelina. I know this is your big moment, the old man has taken a tumble and it’s your time to put on your pretty dress and show me that you can be all that you can be. But it’s just a bump on the head, I’m fine.

Dr. Cox tries to get up but J.D interjects.

J.D (AUTHORITATIVE)Sit down, Perry!

Dr. Cox not happy J.D called him Perry. J.D persists.

J.D (CONT’D)That’s right, I said Perry. You’re staying. Why? Because I’m your doctor. I say when you leave, I say when you eat, and I say when you poop. And right now, I say that you be quiet and let me and my crew do our jobs.

7.

DR. COXYour crew?

CUT TO:

INT. CHANGING ROOM - DAY

DOUG, LONNIE and CHET stand around in a room. They wear matching ‘JD’S CREW’ t-shirts. Each shirt has a large picture of JD’s face on it. They look pathetic.

LONNIEWhy do we have to wear these stupid t-shirts?

DOUGBecause we’re part of the crew, damn it Lonnie!

LONNIEBut the cheap cotton itches my back.

CUT BACK TO:

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM ONE - DAY

Back to J.D, DR. COX and JORDAN

J.DThey shall do my bidding.

Dr. Cox looks pissed. J.D quickly exits the room.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM TWO - DAY

ELLIOT walks into the hospital room, her eyes looking down at a clipboard.

ELLIOTOkay Mr. Harris, it seems you have something impeding your spleen, so I’m gonna order a surgical consult and...

Elliot then looks up to see NEIL PATRICK HARRIS laying in the bed in front of her.

ELLIOT (CONT’D)Oh my god!

NEIL PATRICK HARRISWell hello cutie.

8.

ELLIOTYou’re Neil Patrick Harris.

NEIL PATRICK HARRISI’ll be anyone you want me to be sweetheart.

ELLIOTDoogie Howser M.D is like my favorite show of all time!

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS (SOFTLY)I wanna be in you.

ELLIOTWhat?

NEIL PATRICK HARRISNothing.

ELLIOTYou know you’re the reason I became a doctor. Of course, I couldn’t do it as a young as you did. I had some monobrow issues when I was fourteen, spent the summer of 92’ in my closet with tweezers listening to Kris Kross.

NEIL PATRICK HARRISYeh, cute story. Listen, this may sound a little strange but do you know where I can score some breast milk?

Elliot, a strange look.

INT. HOSPITAL LABORATORY - DAY

J.D leans against the counter. He waits for some of Dr. Cox’s lab results.

J.D (V.O)I was glad Dr. Cox ran into that pole. I mean don’t get me wrong, I totally fear for my crew’s safety.

FLASH TO:

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM ONE - DAY (FANTASY SEQUENCE)

DR. COX, in his hospital gown, has DOUG pinned to the wall with a trident.

9.

DR. COXI told you I didn’t want a blood test.

DOUGI’m just doing my job.

DR. COXAny last words, Packo?

DOUGTell people...I died....

(Dr. Cox pushes the trident, now choking Doug fiercely)

....a hero!

FLASH BACK TO:

INT. LABORATORY - DAY

Back to J.D at the lab.

J.D (V.O)But bloodshed aside, I think this is a great opportunity for Dr. Cox to see what a great doctor I’ve become.

JANITOR (O.S)Order up.

J.D goes to the get the charts and is stunned to see the JANITOR.

J.DWhat are you doing here?

JANITORI’m temping for Waldo. He blew off his eyebrows playing battleship.

J.DDo you have Dr. Cox’s blood work?

JANITORSir, yes sir.

The Janitor passes J.D a chart.

J.DThis is a place mat from Burger King that says ‘JOHN DORIAN IS DYING ON ACCOUNT OF HIM BEING STUPID’.

10.

JANITORI am so sorry. Is there anyone I can call?

J.DCould I have the real one please?

JANITORFine.

The Janitor hands him another chart. J.D looks down.

J.DWould you stop messing around, this is serious.

JANITORI take this job very seriously.

J.DThen why does this one say ‘I SIT DOWN TO PEE LIKE A NINE YEAR OLD GIRL SCOUT’?

A SEXY NURSE walks past and gives J.D a creepy look.

J.D (CONT’D, TO NURSE)I only sit down to pee at night.

The nurse is gone, but the Janitor remains, listening.

J.D (CONT’D)The light wakes me up.

INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - DAY

J.D walks along with TED.

J.DYou know I really think Dr. Cox trusts me as a doctor. He bitches and moans a lot but I bet he wouldn’t want any other doctor taking care of him.

TEDHuh, what?

They stop.

J.DTed, you look awful.

TEDI haven’t been getting much sleep lately.

11.

(MORE)

Mom has the shingles and the bed bounces when she scratches.

J.D (HORRIFIED)Why, Ted?

TEDFor Chanukah last year I went to a Transsexual fortune teller who told me in a past life I tortured small animals, most likely hamsters and turtles.

J.D, weirded out, makes a left turn and enters--

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM ONE - CONTINUOUS

DR. COX is near dressed. He sits on the edge of the bed and puts on his sneakers. CARLA is also in the room as J.D approaches.

J.DAnd just what the hell is going on here?

CARLAI tried to stop him.

DR. COXLet me guess, the blood work is negative, EKG is fine, and you’re still waiting on the CT scan back because when the cute little blonde lab technician tried to give it to you, you had to run away to change your jockeys.

J.DI wear boxers, you know that.

Dr. Cox gets up. J.D stands in front of him.

DR. COXWhat are you doing? Are you physically standing up to me?

J.DMaybe. LAVERNE!

LAVERNE rushes to the door of the room. She stands like a football player ready to pounce.

J.D (CONT’D)She played linebacker for two years at Texas Tech.

Cox, angry, but accepting.

12.

TED (cont'd)

J.D (CONT’D)She was this close to All-American.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM TWO - DAY

ELLIOT and TURK stand over NEIL PATRICK HARRIS. There is silence. Turk and Elliot smile and work very hard not to burst.

NEIL PATRICK HARRISGo ahead.

TURKWere you and Vinnie friends in real life?

ELLIOTIs it true you actually took medical classes at USC to prepare for the role?

TURKYou and Wanda ever get busy?

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS Ok, yes...no...and yes, seven times over four years, once in the Small World ride at Disneyland.

TURKAwesome!

ELLIOTToo cool!

NEIL PATRICK HARRISNow I have a question?

TURKShoot.

NEIL PATRICK HARRISWhy does my stomach feel like happy hour at Madame Rosarita’s in Tijuana?

TURKX-Rays show you have a small blockage in the spleen. It’s pretty standard surgery, nothing that should trouble the Turkmeister.

13.

NEIL PATRICK HARRISPlease tell me you’re the Turkmeister.

TURKHell yeh!

NEIL PATRICK HARRISGreat. It reminds me so much of that time, in episode six, season two.

ELLIOT AND TURKDoogie Sings the Blues!

NEIL PATRICK HARRISGod you guys are retarded.

Turk and Elliot are a little embarrassed and quietly make their way out of the room.

NEIL PATRICK HARRISAh, Dr. Reid.

ELLIOTYes Doogie. Neil!

NEIL PATRICK HARRISETA on that breast milk?

She gives him an even stranger look, now realizing he’s not joking.

INT. HOSPITAL CAFETERIA - DAY

J.D, TURK, CARLA and ELLIOT sit at the table and eat lunch.

ELLIOTRemember the episode where Doogie and Vinnie get held hostage by that gang member?

TURKHe learned a lot about black and white relations that day. It made me so proud.

Turk fists his chest, a very proud look on his face.

CARLAYou guys are such geeks.

J.DYeh, totally, LAME-O.

14.

TURKDude, you still keep a computer diary.

J.DI like to spell check my thoughts.

Elliot and Carla laugh.

ELLIOTYou wish you could trade patients with me. By the way, how is Dr. Cox, has he killed anyone yet?

J.D I’ll have you know that Dr. Cox is a great patient. He’s quiet, he listens to me....he’s really no trouble.

ELLIOTHe crushed Doug’s windpipe.

J.DThat’s just speculation....Look, Dr. Cox trusts me, okay, he’s a patient in this hospital and he’s doing everything I say.

CARLAAh, Bambi....

Carla nods in the direction of Dr. Cox, who walks straight past their table.

J.DDamn it! How did he get past Laverne?

FLASH TO:

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM ONE - DAY (FANTASY SEQUENCE)

DR. COX stands in football gear behind offensive linemen and linebackers. This includes LAVERNE, who is also in uniform.

DR. COXGreen 52. Green 52. Set, set, set, HIKE!

Dr. Cox, the quarterback, grabs the football. We’re now in SLOW MOTION, as Laverne beats the offensive lineman and charges Dr. Cox. She dives for him, but he puts a spin move on her.

15.

She falls to the floor and Dr. Cox runs out the hospital room door. TED pops out of nowhere, in the zebra colors, blowing a whistle and gesturing a touchdown.

LAVERNEI’m getting too old for this.

FLASH BACK TO:

INT. HOSPITAL CAFETERIA - DAY

J.DExcuse me.

And J.D leaves the table. KELSO walks by. He carries a tray with a bowl of soup and some crackers.

ELLIOTDr. Kelso.

KELSODr. Reid, you have exactly thirty seconds before the top of my tomato soup grows a skin.

ELLIOTDid you see who we’re treating in 312?

KELSOMr. Harris. Spleen surgery, no insurance. Turf him.

TURKBut that’s Neil Patrick Harris sir.

KELSOWho?

ELLIOTDoogie Howser.

KELSOOh, of course. That guy who did that thing once.

(from smiling to serious)

Look Dr. Reid, Dr. Turkleton. I’ll tell you what I tell my wife every time she picks up that remote and wants to flip to that Biggest Loser show- do it and I‘ll put the dogs on you.

Dr. Kelso walks away and takes a seat at a table nearby.

16.

INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - DAY

J.D walks down the corridor with a fierce determination in his eyes.

J.D (V.O)I was so mad at Dr. Cox that I had to cancel my weekly game of Old Maid with Chet.

J.D passes the eight foot tall CHET.

J.DNext week Chet, I promise.

CHETYou always promise.

J.D (V.O)I mean who was he to question my authority? I am going to absolutely tear him a new....

And J.D enters --

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM THREE - CONTINUOUS

DR. COX is in the middle of the room talking to a MALE PATIENT. J.D storms in, but retreats back into his shell when Dr. Cox turns his head towards him.

J.D (CONT’D)Hey Dr. Cox.

J.D casually waves to him, Dr. Cox ignores.

MALE PATIENTIs she the one you were telling me about?

DR. COXUh huh.

MALE PATIENTHuh. Yeh, I can see the resemblance.

DR. COX I’m a little worried about your irregular heartbeat so we’re gonna keep you overnight, run a few tests. But don’t worry, I have every confidence in the world that you’re gonna be fine.

Dr. Cox smiles at the patient and walks out of the room.

17.

J.DResemblance to whom?

MALE PATIENTWynona Ryder. A much less attractive Wynona Ryder.

J.DI was never a fan at first but then Mermaids came along...that movie changed my life.

MALE PATIENTMe too.

They both smile, until J.D realizes Dr. Cox is gone and chases after him back into the--

INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS

J.D catches up with DR. COX.

J.DDr. Cox!

DR. COXI know you’ve been working very hard on your inflection, but you still sound like a guy in drag trying to talk like a woman.

J.DYou shouldn’t be out of bed, I haven’t discharged you.

DR. COXWell I went ahead and did it myself Kiddo.

J.DYeh, but that’s not your call.

DR. COXYeh it is.

J.DYou’re my patient.

DR. COXLook, I’ve been doing this a hell of a lot longer then you.

J.DThat doesn’t give you the right to diagnose yourself.

18.

DR. COXYeh it does.

Dr. Cox turns his back on J.D, and begins to walk. But he only takes a few paces and stops.

J.D (V.O)And there it is. He has finally realized that I’m right. This is a great moment for me. I know, I’ll stop on the way home and get me an ice-cream cake. Maybe Neapolitan. No, that’s stupid, I never end up eating the chocolate and it’s just a waste...

J.D then notices that Dr. Cox isn’t right. He’s languid, unsteady on his feet.

J.D (CONT’D)Dr. Cox?

And Dr. Cox loses his balance. He doesn’t completely fall to the ground but grabs the wall on the way down.

J.D (CONT’D, SHOUTING)Can I get some help here?

J.D (V.O)Cancel the cake.

END ACT 1

19.

ACT 2

INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - THE NEXT DAY

J.D walks down the hallway.

J.D (V.O)I didn’t sleep much last night. The incident with Dr. Cox yesterday really scared the crap out of me. I had never him like that before. But I had to keep up appearances.

J.D then enters--

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM ONE - CONTINUOUS

JORDAN is there holding JACK, and CARLA is standing around DR. COX. They all look at J.D.

FLASH TO:

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM ONE - DAY (FANTASY SEQUENCE)

J.D lays his eyes on DR. COX and instantly charges him. He hugs him and cries like a baby.

J.DWhy Dr. Cox? It’s not fair, it’s not fair, why do bad things happen to good people???

DR. COXIt’s okay son, it’s okay, there, there....

J.D then gets on his knees and yells to the heavens.

J.D (YELLING)WHY?????????????

FLASH BACK TO:

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM ONE - DAY

J.D snaps out of it. The entire crew are just looking at him.

J.DTop of the morning. How is everybody doing today?

DEAD SILENCE.

20.

J.D (CONT’D)Well that’s just super.

JORDANHey Alfalfa. You see Jack here? He eats bark and occasionally runs into walls. Yet he seems to be doing more around here than you are.

J.DYour confidence in my abilities warms my heart.

JORDANI’m not screwing around here.

DR. COXEasy Jordan. The kid is doing the best he can.

J.DWe’re still waiting on the CT scan. My guess is what happened yesterday was just a result of the concussion. But I’m not gonna lie, there is a chance that the blow to head did cause a blood clot to develop. It’s pretty unlikely but it’s a possibility.

JORDANWell what’s the god damn hold up on the scan?

J.DThere’s some delay in the lab, I don’t know.

CUT TO:

INT. LABORATORY - DAY

FRANKLYN, the Lab technician, attempts to drop a blood sample on a a small sheet of glass but the JANITOR keeps tickling his ear with a feather.

FRANKLYNQuit it!

JANITORMake me.

The Janitor continues.

21.

FRANKLYNQuit it!

CUT BACK TO:

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM ONE - DAY

J.D then looks at Dr. Cox.

J.DHow are you feeling Dr. Cox?

DR. COXFine Newbie. I feel fine.

Dr. Cox seems subdued. Jordan then passes him Jack, and he starts to smile and play with his son. J.D watches.

J.D (V.O)But he wasn’t fine.

INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - DAY

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS is at a vending machine. He sits in a wheelchair and sticks his hand underneath trying to score a freebie. ELLIOT and TURK sneak up behind him.

ELLIOTNeil Patrick Harris?

NEIL PATRICK HARRISWhat, no, I wasn’t stealing.

ELLIOTOf course you weren’t Neil Patrick Harris.

TURKElliot, stop calling him Neil Patrick Harris.

NEIL PATRICK HARRISThat’s okay. It kinda turns me on.

TURKSo what’s the deal, apparently you don’t have any health insurance?

NEIL PATRICK HARRISRight, I was hoping that wasn’t gonna come up. Is it gonna be a problem?

22.

ELLIOTBut you’re Doogie Howser, how can you not have health insurance?

NEIL PATRICK HARRISShow business is a funny thing, you know? One day you’re on top of the world- you have a hit sitcom, you’re rich beyond your wildest dreams, you’re hunting homeless guys for sport....and the next thing you know you’ve spent all your money on porcelain tennis racquets and you’re sleeping in a telephone booth.

Elliot and Turk are perplexed.

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS (CONT’D)I’m just kidding. I share a one bedroom with Scott Baio...Look, I really hope this isn’t gonna be a problem.

TURKActually, we’ve been told to....

NEIL PATRICK HARRISI got you guys something.

Neil reaches behind and has two box sets of DVDs which he hands to Turk and Elliot. They are thrilled.

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS (CONT’D)First season. It’s been signed by the entire cast. Except Belinda Montgomery, she played my mom. This whole restraining order thing....anyway, it’s just a thank you for taking care of me.

TURKIt’s our pleasure buddy.

Elliot and Turk walk away giddy, as Neil sticks his hand back in the vending machine. He finally pulls out a CLARK BAR.

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS(fist pump)

SCORE!

INT. TOILET - DAY

J.D sits in the bathroom stall.

23.

J.DI don’t know what’s wrong with Dr. Cox, I’ve never seen him like this before.

We then PAN to Turk, also sitting on the crapper.

TURKMaybe he’s just scared man.

J.DDr. Cox isn’t afraid of anything. Remember when the ICU was taken over by Russian terrorists?

FLASH TO:

INT. INTENSIVE CARE UNIT - DAY (FANTASY SEQUENCE)

About EIGHT RUSSIAN TERRORISTS dressed in black hold the ICU hostage. J.D, TURK, CARLA, ELLIOT and DR. KELSO all look on, petrified.

TERRORIST (SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN, SUBTITLED IN ENGLISH)

You!(points to J.D)

I want you to put all the folding catheters and bedpans in a bag. NOW!

And on that, Dr. Cox crashes through the glass window in full ninja attire.

CUE THE NAKED GUN FIGHTING MUSIC

Dr. Cox proceeds to kick the crap out of all eight terrorists in a matter of seconds.

Everyone in the room is all smiles, Dr. Cox has saved the day. Dr. Cox then moves over to the main terrorist and puts his foot to his throat.

DR. COX (SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN)Not in my ICU, Sputnik!

FLASH BACK TO:

INT. TOILET - DAY

Back to J.D and Turk in toilet conversation.

J.DHe never told me where he learned Russian.

24.

TURKLook J.D, You’ve got to stop worrying about this. As far as you’re concerned, Dr. Cox is just another patient.

J.DBut he’s not just another patient.

TURKThat’s the problem with you medical guys, you gotta learn to check your feelings at the door. You should treat him like you’d treat anyone else. No special treatment....

And then something hits Turk. He quickly pulls up his pants and rushes out of the cubicle.

TURKOh damn, I gotta go.

J.DLater poop buddy.

TURKPeace Trout.

J.DAwesome!

J.D just sits there and stares at the toilet door.

J.D (V.O)Maybe Turk was right. Maybe I did have to distance myself from Dr. Cox.

J.D then hears an almighty groan coming from the other cubicle next to him.

J.D (CONT’D)Todd?

And sure enough, it is the Todd, sitting on the John on the other side of J.D.

TODDHey J.D.

J.DAre you okay?

TODDI keep turtling man. Sympathy five?

25.

J.D humours him and gives the wall to his left a high five.

TODD (CONT’D)A little to the left.

J.D adjusts and hits the wall in the right spot. We hear Todd click his fingers.

INT. DR. KELSO’S OFFICE - DAY

TURK and ELLIOT stand in front of DR. KELSO.

KELSOOh great, it’s the Osmonds. Wait, that doesn’t work.

(Thinks of something more apt)

Oh, what is it?

TURKIt’s about Mr. Harris sir.

ELLIOTNeil Patrick Harris.

KELSOAh, of course. You ejected that sorry sack yet?

TURKActually, we had an idea that would mean Mr. Harris could have the surgery.

KELSOUnless you plan to have him sell ice cool glasses of lemonade outside the hospital for sixty bucks a pop then I think you’re out of luck.

TURKSir, you’re actually not far off.

Dr. Kelso looks intrigued.

INT. LABORATORY- DAY

J.D waits at the desk. He hits a small bell. No one answers. He continues to hit the bell, until the JANITOR comes from inside the lab.

JANITORWhere did this bell come from?

26.

J.DIt’s mine from home.

JANITORSo what do you want?

J.DLook, I really need Dr. Cox’s CT scan, okay. No messing around this time. This is a hospital, people’s lives depend on it.

JANITORHere you go.

The Janitor hands him the chart. J.D holds it and looks at it, skeptical.

J.DWhat’s wrong with it?

JANITORNothing. It’s what you wanted isn’t it?

J.DI don’t trust you.

JANITORThen my work here is done.

J.DBut I never trusted you.

JANITORDon’t care.

The Janitor shrugs and takes off his white smock and throws it behind him. He walks off.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM TWO - DAY

TURK and ELLIOT stand around NEIL PATRICK HARRIS in bed.

TURKSo what do you think?

NEIL PATRICK HARRISI want twenty five percent.

ELLIOTBut you don’t have to pay for the operation, the hospital will cover it.

Neil stops for a beat and thinks.

27.

NEIL PATRICK HARRISFifteen. Plus, I’ll tell you, in depth, about the time Lisa Dean Ryan called me naked and drunk from a jail in Reno.

Turk and Elliot look at each other. They nod.

TURK AND ELLIOTDeal.

NEIL PATRICK HARRISCool.

All three of them shake hands.

NEIL PATRICK HARRISBut make sure whatever you cut out of me I get to keep.

ELLIOTThat’s totally normal, a lot of patients like to keep it as a memento.

NEIL PATRICK HARRISOh no, I’m selling it on Ebay. You have no idea what freaks will pay for stuff like that. Like you guys.

TURKPlease, we wouldn’t stoop to that level.

ELLIOTNo way.

Turk and Elliot look at each other. Neil just waits.

TURKI’ll give you fifty bucks for it.

ELLIOTSeventy Five!

INT. X-RAY ROOM - DAY

J.D stands with CARLA and they study Dr. Cox’s CT scan.

CARLALooks clean to me.

J.DI’m not sure. What about that thing there.

28.

J.D points to a smudge on the scan.

CARLAThat’s sweet teriyaki from your chicken sub.

J.D rubs out the smudge and licks it.

J.DMmmm, Japaneseey.

CARLASo he’s okay?

J.DYeh, he’s fine.

CARLASo what are you waiting for? Run Bambi, run like the wind.

FLASH TO:

INT. HOSPITAL, GENERAL - DAY (FANTASY SEQUENCE)

Cue the music from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. J.D runs through the hospital, much like that scene from the movie in which Charlie is running home after finding the golden ticket.

The JANITOR even makes an appearance looking like the evil Slugworth.

FLASH TO:

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM ONE - DAY

J.D walks in, happy. But the bed in which Dr. Cox was occupying is empty.

J.D turns around and catches LAVERNE as she walks by.

J.DLaverne, have you seen Dr. Cox around anywhere?

LAVERNESorry hon. Haven’t seen him.

EXT. HOSPITAL ROOF - DAY

DR. COX is sitting on the ledge in his hospital gown. He is melancholy, somewhat reflective. J.D walks up behind him.

29.

DR. COXYou know my dad died when I was eight.

(beat)We were tossing a football in the park and he just dropped dead, his heart just stopped.

J.DI just came to tell you that everything is clear, the CT scan showed no clots. You’re free to go home, back to work.

DR. COXWell that’s just great.

J.DIt is. You’re fine, as fit as a fiddle. Strong like bull.

J.D laughs, his attempt to lighten the mood.

DR. COXThis time. But next time I may not be so lucky.

(beat)With Jack, you know....I just don’t want to do that to him, what my dad did to me. I knew it wasn’t his fault but I was still so pissed at him. I just don’t want that for my son.

J.DI guess it’s not something we can control. We just have to enjoy the now, make the most of what we have.

DR. COXI suppose.

Dr. Cox doesn’t say another word. He continues to look out into the distance. J.D places a hand on Cox’s shoulder.

J.D (V.O)It’s always hard to distance yourself from a patient you look up to. It’s even harder when you’re forced to see these people at their most vulnerable.

30.

EXT. SACRED HEART HOSPITAL - AFTERNOON

J.D (V.O)Whether it’s someone who helped you become the person you are today...

A huge BANNER, with the words MEET DOOGIE HOWSER M.D.

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS sits in a chair behind a desk, dressed in his old medical attire.

TURK is collecting money from the long line of about hundred people, while ELLIOT holds a camera and takes pictures.

TURK (YELLS)Twenty bucks and you can meet the real, the original, Mr Doogie Howser M.D!

Neil smiles and waves. A YOUNG MOTHER with her BABY go to get a picture with him.

NEIL PATRICK HARRISSo....you still lactating?

Elliot, horrified, takes the picture.

J.D (V.O)....or someone who is helping you become the person you know you were meant to be.

INT. SACRED HEART, ROOF - AFTERNOON

Back to J.D and DR. COX in the same position. They are quiet for a beat.

J.D (V.O)But whatever the case, we always feel the need to be there for them....

DR. COXDarlene, If I catch you staring at my ass I’m gonna go ahead and throw you right off this roof faster then you can recite the first line of ‘The Babysitter’s Club’ pledge.

J.DActually, it’s an oath.

We do see Dr. Cox’s ass clearly visible, another victim of the dreaded hospital gown.

31.

INT. J.D’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

J.D is at his COMPUTER. He types into his computer diary exactly like Doogie Howser used to do at the end of every episode.

We see the last words of his final sentence-

“BUT WHATEVER THE CASE, WE ALWAYS FEEL THE NEED TO BE THERE FOR THEM...”

TURK (O.S, OTHER ROOM)Dude, Matzah balls are up.

J.D (YELLING)I’ll be there in a sec.

And J.D begins to type his last sentence.

J.D (V.O)....because they’re always there for us.

On the screen-

“....BECAUSE THEY’RE ALWAYS THERE FOR US.”

J.D smiles, contemplative. He turns the computer screen off and walks out of his room.

BLACK OUT

END ACT 2

END CREDITS

32.