Jaw-Jitsu

JAW-JITSU:The Art of Strategic Speaking

by Mike Gillette

©2014 All Rights Reserved

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Jaw-Jitsu is about helping you to develop a new verbal skill-set. One that will promote problem-solving between you and the people you deal with. This problem-solving approach is designed first and foremost to enhance safety. Yours, your family’s and even your organization.

Verbal skills are some of the easiest skills to learn, and they can be the safest and most effective management techniques you can use.

But their ease of use can also cause them to be used carelessly, making them potentially the most dangerous tools at your disposal.

So, in order to control situations verbally, you first must be able to control yourself. You have to win this internal battle first before verbally engaging with others.

In this e-book you will learn the components that make upcommunications, the roadblocks which hinder effective communication and specific verbal skills for managing conflict.

The first issue to address is to clarify our mission. Because this e-book deals with the topic of verbal skills, many people might assume this means the techniques of negotiation.

JAW-JITSU - The Art of Strategic Speaking

But this is not a tutorial on negotiation. While much of what we cover will be useful for you in any future negotiations you may have, these are not negotiation techniques.

When a negotiation has been successful, both parties have achieved a mutually desired outcome. When a confrontation ends, the issue driving the conflict may still be present. So success in this context will be measured in terms of an outcome that is lawful, safe and, if you are in at work, consistent with organizational policy.

For the purposes of learning these particular skills I want you to get comfortable with the idea that you are a conflict manager. You may not have been called upon to solve a major problem yet, but eventually everyone finds themselves in a situation where they have to manage behavior-based problems. And if you can manage these situations successfully, you will keep yourself and everyone else around you much safer.

Analyzing the Message

When we prepare to undertake the very serious business of conflict management, the first part of the process to examine is how well we listen to others. The process of listening can be broken down into four parts: Attention, Interpretation, Evaluation and Response.

Attention comes first. In order to be effective listeners we have to be attentive and aware. This may seem obvious, but sometimes we can become so intent on thinking several steps ahead of the other person that we miss vital bits of information that could have actually helped us to solve the problem faster if only we had been paying attention.


Interpretation is the phase of listening when we try to determine what is being said based upon what we are hearing. Our interpretation is largely based on the words we hear as well as the non-verbal communication that accompanies those words.

Evaluation occurs when we take into account everything that we hear and see and try to determine the overall meaning. This is what we mean when we talk about analyzing the message. The last stage of listening takes place when we decide upon our own response to the messages we have received.

Structuring the Response

Our response or any message we send is made up of four elements. These include posture, content, attitude and feedback.

Posture refers to non-verbal communication and the messages that we send using our physical body. Now experts don’t always agree on the exact figure, but studies show that anywhere from 52 to 86 percent of what people absorb from what you tell them is based upon non-verbal communication. Regardless of the statistic that you prefer, what is important to recognize is that your non-verbal communication is very influential. Content refers to the specific words you use when you speak. We will discuss word choice in more detail shortly.

Attitude can best described by the phrase “It’s not what you say; its how you say it.” Attitude can be a very powerful thing. The way that we say something can change the entire meaning of a sentence, changing a compliment to an insult just in the way the words are spoken.


Feedback refers to the looping or cyclical nature of communication. Your last step as a sender feeds into the other person’s first step as a listener and the process repeats itself.

Here are some performance points to remember as we review these elements. When it comes to the element of posture, the physical reinforces the psychological. Your words and your body language always need to be in sync. In fact, if your verbal and non-verbal messages don’t match up, people actually will believe your body and other non-verbal cues before they believe your spoken words. And most importantly, when you think about the element of attitude, remember that as a conflict manager, everything is “business” – you can’t let things get personal.

Allowing yourself to become emotionally involved in the dispute is when things begin to become “personal”. And this typically leads to you becoming upset. Being upset is the first step towards being “controlled” by the situation. And if the situation starts to control you, you will never be able to control it.

To keep things from getting personal, you need to develop what I call a “situational personality”. The situational personality allows you to appear as though you’re in control when in reality you may be feeling just as much stress as the other person. The difference is that in order to solve the problem, you can’t afford to let your stress show. As a problem-solver, people accept your authority or position so long as you appear to be in control.

The key element managing conflict is having a clear set of goals. In fact, one of the fastest ways to de-escalate a situation is to ask the upset person straight out “What is it that you want to accomplish here?” This question forces them to look beyond the emotional noise of the situation and back to what the original problem was.


Sometimes we all need this little boost to get back on track. Let’s take a look at how focusing on the outcome came help guide us through most conflict situations. The following objectives are universal and will apply to most work settings:The Goals of Communication are to: Circumvent, prevent, or de-escalate conflict; Allow you to remain calm and in control of situation; Allow the other person to save face; and, if relevant, Enforce relevant policies and regulations.

De-escalation

De-escalation is a term to describe the process of lowering the “emotional temperature” of a conflict or disagreement. There are some basic things you can do to help de-escalate a situation.

• Project calmness - move, and speak slowly - quiet and confident is the rule here

• Moderate your tone, volume, and rate of speech – don’t

sound like a robot, it sounds like you’re not listening

• “Sell” what you are saying – sound convincing, no one else will accept your premise if you don’t sound like you believe it either

• Keep things short – under stress, complicated issues can bring things to a halt

• Calmly describe the consequences of any violent behavior – if you sound agitated when discussing consequences you sound threatening


• Encourage the person to talk and listen attentively to them – keep the conversation going, try to prevent the other person from shutting down

• Focus your attention on the other person to let them know you are interested in what is being said – not paying attention appears disrespectful and will quickly sabotage your efforts to solve the problem

• Acknowledge the other person’s feelings – this lets them know that you are hearing what they say; this does not mean that you have to agree with them, particularly if they are being unreasonable.

• Hold the person accountable for his/her actions – just

because they are angry does not give them a license to take it out on others

• Use delay tactics that will give the person time to calm down if needed.

• Be reassuring and point out choices.

• Break big problems into smaller, more manageable problems.

• Provide a reason for your request - if you’re asking someone to do something, explain why you are asking, this makes it sound less like an order


There are also some basic things to avoid saying or doing…

• Don’t speak in a manner that will generate hostility –sounding apathetic, condescending or mechanical

• Don’t challenge, threaten, or dare the individual

• Don’t belittle the person to make them feel foolish

• Don’t attempt to bargain with a threatening individual

• Don’t criticize

• Don’t act impatiently

• Make false statements or promises that cannot be kept.

• Impart a lot of complicated information when emotions are high.

• Take sides – that makes the dispute personal

• Make the situation less serious than it is.

Again, the words we use are very important. This relates to the content element of our messages.

For example, many people will approach a person who is upset with the statement “Calm down!”.


Now think for a moment if you were upset and someone came up to you and ordered you to calm down. Would that make you relax? What is a statement like "calm down" to someone? Truthfully, it never sounds like a practical suggestion. Instead, it sounds like a challenge; which is completely contrary to the objective of de-escalation.

When someone is in conflict, they are often seeking control. By challenging them with a phrase like "calm down," we can create a power struggle in the mind of the other person. So how about an alternative that lets the other person know that you are really trying to help?

"I can see that you are upset. Help me understand what your concerns are.” Or “What can I do to help?”

Statements like these can provide you with an opening to empathize with the feelings of the other person and gain some level of control while simultaneously giving the person in conflict a sense of control as well.

Are There Times When De-Escalation is The Wrong Approach?Absolutely. There are times when should you NOT attempt to de-escalate a situation. If you are dealing with a person who appears to be incapable of reason or impaired judgment -- this could be from alcohol, drugs, or even a medical condition. Or if a person appears to have calmed down on their own after an outburst; you may not want or need to open the discussion again.

In certain cases you should not attempt to de-escalate a situation in the first place. In those circumstances, you should simply disengage and obtain further assistance. For example, if a situation has become physical, verbal de-escalation is not appropriate.


Never put yourself in danger to de-escalate a situation. It is important to always remember to protect yourself and others.

If you do approach a situation that could escalate:

• Do not make any sudden movements which might be interpreted as threatening

• Do not cross into that person’s personal space

• Position yourself so access to an exit is NOT blocked

• If at any time a person’s behavior starts to escalate beyond your comfort zone, it’s time disengage immediately

• Always be prepared to walk away

How should you position yourself when you are speaking? What should your body language project?

• Maintain a safe distance whenever possible

• Maintain an assertive, balanced posture, standing straight up, feet shoulder-width apart, making eye contact; don’t forget to control your breathing. This helps you stay relaxed and also prevents your speaking voice from sounding stressed or upset.


• Do not place yourself in a challenging stance, hands on hips or crossing your arms, pointing your finger and so forth

We need to remember that we are not able to solve every problem or fix other people’s behavior. If a person has been obnoxious his entire life, he will not suddenly stop being obnoxious today. And most likely, if he is having a bad day, he wants you to have one too. He will push as many of your buttons as he can find. In these situations if you feel your buttons being pushed, remove the emotional component as best you can and focus on getting the job done. Remember, everything is business, don’t let it get personal.

Decision Points

There are key moments during any conflict which can act as a trigger. These moments, which we call decision points, are those times where a verbal dispute can tip towards physical danger. With practice you can develop the ability to recognize these decision points and to make the decisions that will direct you towards a positive outcome. To illustrate how decision points work, let’s look at a scenario involving the phenomena of road rage.

Road rage is a frequently-reported problem that provides multiple opportunities for decision points and yet people often get in trouble because of a situation that typically starts off as something relatively minor. Although decision points are present in these situations, many people go into an emotional response very quickly. Here is how such an incident might play out:

You're driving down a highway and there's a car tailgating very closely. This irritates you since the passing lane is open and the


person could easily just pass on by, but for some reason this person is staying right on your tail.

Decision point #1, you could take a deep breath and not let it get to you, giving the person the benefit of the doubt that maybe they are unaware of what they are doing. This leads to decision point #2, which allows you to both continue driving. Or, another decision point #2, you could start imagining what the person might be thinking and take his tailgating as a personal insult. This will increase your anger, respirations and heartbeat to the point where your adrenaline actually starts flowing.

Decision point #3, You realize that you are reacting emotionally, take some deep breaths and try and calm down. Or, another decision point #3, you get really angry and decide to tap on your brakes just a little, to teach this idiot a lesson.

So let's say you that you did tap on your brakes. Upon seeing your brake lights suddenly coming back at him, the other driver initiates a panic stop at 60 miles an hour, complete with screeching brakes and burning rubber. If he wasn't upset before, he certainly is now. With his own adrenaline flowing, he pulls up next to you, makes an obscene gesture with his hand and makes several profane comments with his mouth.

This leads to decision point #4, where you realize that you have not acted sensibly. So you take some big breaths and decide not to engage and ignore the gesture. Perhaps you even offer a wave, gesture an apology, and avoid an emotional outburst of your own. Most often such a reaction is enough to de-escalate the situation.

Or: The other option is to allow your adrenaline and anger push you further out of control. Perhaps you start shouting your own profane


comments as you speed down the road, risking your own safety to prove some point, which in your present state you may not even remember. You have the vague realization that you might be making a major mistake, but as mad as you are now, you couldn’t stop yourself even if you wanted to.

At this point the situation is very volatile. The only way for it to come to a non-violent resolution is for someone to “give in” by acknowledging their inappropriate behavior and backing off, (which would have negated the situation far more easily if it had been done in the first place). Or perhaps no one gives in and the situation ends in an accident, a fight or even a gunshot.

As surprising as it may seem, the second result occurs much more often than one might think. Why is this? Because under stress, people tend to respond emotionally rather than logically. This same situation plays out hundreds of different ways every day.

The good news is that with some basic awareness you can learn to recognize these decision points and disarm many situations before they escalate to dangerous levels. In fact, with practice, one can act on these decision points to guide situations to a positive outcome most of the time.

Non-Defensive Listening

Let’s look at another de-escalation concept, something I call Non-Defensive Listening. The idea behind non-defensive listening is to encourage the other person to let what you are saying get past their natural psychological barriers. This is particularly useful when you have to tell people things that they really don’t want to hear.


Let’s look at a workplace example. Consider the following situation: a co-worker consistently deflects, resists, or lashes back each time you initiate an honest discussion of an issue.

You’ve become frustrated or upset with this person’s attitude and inability to hear your message. You’d like to express how it is for you, to get to an understanding or agreement, and to move on. So why do you think they are resisting? Just to be difficult? Fear? Self-preservation? Whatever it is, you haven’t figured out a way past it yet.

If the other person’s behavior is bothering you, then you must first take responsibility about how to handle it. Your options could be: avoid them, accommodate them, defer to someone else, or confront them. In any case, you can’t realistically expect the other person to notice that you are bothered. If you tend to avoid confrontations, an important question to ask yourself is "Will the situation change if I do nothing?" If you do decide to confront them, you might arrive at a win-win solution, a compromise, or no deal.

Let’s assume you have to work together, or perhaps you're in a relationship you value for some other reason. If you are holding a negative opinion about the other person, you could just go directly for what you want: for them to hear you, see it your way, and perhaps to change their behavior.

Directly confronting the issue by telling them what you think might make things seem clear for you, but might not get your true message across. Why is this? Because there are two components at work; there's the content of your message such as "You missed another deadline" and your own attitude about that message such as "and I'm sick and tired of it".


So what is your true goal in making the other person aware of your point of view? By being overly assertive you may get resolution, but possibly at the expense of the relationship.

Assuming you want to preserve your relationship with this person and simultaneously get your point across, you need to know where they are coming from. We know that people primarily operate based on their own needs, wants, and desires. If you know their interests or their intentions you have a better chance of reaching them when it comes time to proposing a solution.

Ask or Tell?

What’s more likely to get you on track toward your goal: asking or telling? Telling it like it is may be satisfying for you in the moment, but will it get you the response you want? Asking direct, focused questions rather than making a strong assertion should reveal much about their agenda. That awareness allows you to move with and find ways to blend with their desired outcome, so you can reach your ultimate goal.

Asking questions and listening creates psychological room for them to hear you. In short, avoid explaining your viewpoint or making requests until after you’ve discovered theirs.

Remember this: unless you have permission to dig and do process problem-solving, avoid asking "Why" questions. These puts people on the defensive and tends distract the focus of the conversation. Instead, use questions that start with "What" or "How." And when you ask questions be genuinely interested in the answer.


When It’s Your Turn

If your goal is to influence the other person’s behavior, the next step is to get them to hear and value how the situation personally affects you.

When you have rapport, the classic "I" message is probably your best "tell" alternative. An "I" message uses the template "I feel [name the feeling] when you [describe the behavior] because [state the consequences or reasons for your feelings]" and is clear and direct.

The sequence is key: state your feeling first, then their role described in behavioral terms, then what it means to you. If you begin with "You ..." everything after that will be deflected and they'll probably say "You..." also.

Guidelines for effective conflict management 1. The goal of any dispute should be to resolve a conflict rather than to win or come out on top. If one person feels like they lost it will create resentment. And over time resentment can be damaging or even dangerous. Realistically, it is not possible for everyone to feel as though they have won. But all parties should feel as though they’ve gained something. Even if all they gained was an acknowledgment of their position.

2. Recognize your own resentments as soon as you are aware of them rather than letting them build up into an explosion. You may not want to express these resentments, but recognizing them as decision points will prevent you from making negative emotional decisions.


3. Nothing is more important in conflict resolution than the ability to be flexible. Ask yourself if your position is based on principle or are you just being stubborn?

4. Communication should always be as clear and direct as possible. Make sure you aren't expecting people to read your mind.

5. Be sure to ask for feedback and reflect on what you think the other person is saying. Often people will be arguing about different issues without being aware of it.

6. Argue only one point at a time. Resist the temptation to get off the subject. Even issues that seem related can be distracting.

7. Are you overreacting and making too much about a trivial issue? If you do this frequently it might mean that there is a more important issue that is not being talked about.

8. Avoid ganging up. Disputes are best handled between two people at a time.

9. Don't get in the middle of a argument you don't belong in.

10. Never make light of the other person’s feelings.

We have actually covered a lot of information. We have discussed:

•The elements of effective communication•how employee interactions can contribute to the mission of

Workplace Safety• words and phrases that can calm people down• words and phrases that can escalate a situation


• recognizing when to break away or disengage with someone

What you must remember is that in order to control others verbally,you first must be able to control yourself. While this point is simple to understand it can be difficult to apply. When you are dealing with aloud, rude or profane person it is hard not to take their commentspersonally. But don’t do it. If you lose your temper, become sarcastic,or yell, you have lost the battle.

To accomplish your goals, you have to work on keeping yourfeelings out of the situation. People will only concede controlto you if you appear to be in control. So now you might be thinking, “What if I don’t feel like I’m calm or in control?”This is a good question. Some of this is acting. And just like inacting, you have to be believable in order to sell what you aresaying.

Allowing the other person to save face is important too. Ifsomeone feels insulted in front of a group, they may feel thatthey have nothing left to lose. When this happens, the situationmay now become physically dangerous. Never put someone in theposition of appearing foolish because of what you say. If theyhappen to appear foolish, let that be because of what they say.

So is this all starting to sound like I am are telling you to benice to people who don’t deserve it? I am. By nice, I meanprofessional. Stay polite and focused on the issue. Remember thatthe problem is generally not about you. You just happen to bewhere the problem is, which makes you a focal point for theproblem.

If you can solve the problem, solve it. If you can minimize the


problem, do that. But if you can’t make any progress with theperson, you may just have to disengage from the situation. Thiscan be difficult and you may feel as though you have failedsomehow. You didn’t. Some situations cannot be fixed and tryingto continually appease irrational people eventually comes at theexpense of everyone else around them.

Just remember that good manners combined with a good strategy isthe best formula for a good outcome.

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When negotiations have failed, it's time to Become Dangerous.

To learn more powerful strategies and techniques, get tactical authority Mike Gillette's "Become Dangerous" program

Go to www.mikegillette.com and order now!


http://www.mikegillette.com

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