January 2013 Issue

•

10 Things Not To Say To Your KidsRaise a

Happy Child

how To Make a New YeaR’sResoluTioN You Can Keep


pg. 20

Fitness Guide pg. 12

pg. 22

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Happy New Year! We hope each of you survived the craziness of the holiday season and were able to relax and enjoy your family.

We are thrilled to introduce our new contributing writers, all leading experts in the parenting field. We are confident you will find the articles and topics engaging and informative. As usual, we are always looking for reader input and would love to hear from you.

Please find a comprehensive Fitness Guide on page 12. A helpful resource when looking to get/stay in shape! We have listed family gyms as well as local yoga studios to give you a wide variety of choices that fit your needs.

We look forward to the year ahead and providing you with the best parenting information in the Bay Area!

The LOCAL Go To Guide for Busy Families

FIND US ON

Publisher | EditorTracie Vollgraf

Marketing ManagerCrystal Wigton

Advertising Sales ManagerKaren [email protected]

Graphic DesignerTeresa Craft

Contributing AuthorsRobin O’BryantTom LimbertCheryl Erwin, MA, MFTDr. Laura MarkhamBrenna M. HicksSarah TolsonDanielle Frederico, M.P.HDr. Jim TaylorBonnie Harris, MS EdElizabeth Pantley•

10 Things Not To Say To Your KidsRaise a

Happy Child



pg. 20

Fitness Guide pg. 12

pg. 22

FREE

The LOCAL Go To Guide for Busy Families January 2013

pg. 36

January

Pg. 6 The Big ResolutionPg. 12 Fitness GuidePg. 18 ConnectivityPg. 20 how to make New Year’s Resolutions you can keepPg. 22 10 Things Not to say to Your kidsPg. 26 Resolved to harness the Power of Family in the Coming YearPg. 28 staying Fit during a winter PregnancyPg. 36 Raise a happy ChildPg. 40 Trust Yourself to Color outside the linesPg. 44 Tantrums, Fussing and whining

Pg. 30 January event Calendar


it’s that annoying time of year again. Time for New Year’s Resolutions, promises you make to yourself with zero intention of keeping. This year my aim isn’t to impress others, to lose weight, or better myself. Nope. This year i’m being realistic.

My New Year’s Resolution for 2013 is, drum roll please, to stop buying clothes at wal-Mart. Now don’t get upset with me, i like wal-Mart clothes. No, actually, i love them. i love them beyond all reason. i may not need a bedazzled sweatshirt that says “QT Pie,” but for $4.99, why wouldn’t i buy it? who could walk away from a deal like that? i mean-- it’s a sweatshirt, for less than five bucks! see, my life for the last eight years has been a constant cycle of feeding babies, burping babies, changing diapers, wiping snotty noses, breaking up fights, cooking, cleaning, dropping off and picking up kids and other glamorous pastimes that i really don’t want to rub in your face. everybody can’t handle the Mommy high life. Because of my extremely chic lifestyle, i end up in sweatpants and a t-shirt most days. For the past eight years, it has been pointless to pay more than $4.99 for a shirt. would you pay $40 for a t-shirt at Banana Republic if you knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that within the first 24 hours, someone was going to pee, puke or poop on you? i’ve taken off one too many shirts at night to find that someone had puked over my shoulder and down my back without me knowing it. and, yes, that i had been to the grocery store, the pediatrician and God only knows where else draped in someone else’s body fluids. i took a brief, eight year hiatus from clothes shopping anywhere that didn’t have shopping carts and preferably a snack bar. (it’s much easier to try on clothes if your kids are trapped in a buggy eating popcorn or fighting over a foot-long hotdog.) This is the year. in 2013 i will just say no to bedazzled sweatshirts, and $4 purple yoga pants that say Juiceee across the butt. it’s going to be hard, seeing as how i live in smalltown, Mississippi and the closest mall is a two-hour drive away. But i’m determined and i’ll be strong. (unless i get a recommendation from a friend, because my friend kasey told me wal-Mart has

by Robin O’Bryant

The Big Resolution


corduroy pants on sale for $10 and they look and fit just like the ones from J Crew. and if i find them i plan to buy them in every color available. TeN dollars, people!) But that’s it and i mean it. No more wal-Mart clothes for me. i will stick to the grocery store and will not even browse through the ridiculously low priced sleep wear and mix and match bathing suits. i can do this. luckily for me there is a JC Penney right down the street, so if i really get a hankering for some low-dollar high-fashion, i have an out.

Robin O’Bryant is a syndicated humor columnist and stay-at-home-mom to three daughters born within four years. she finally figured out where babies come from and got herself under control. her first book, “Ketchup is a Vegetable and Other Lies Moms

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What Can We Learn From the SFGiants to Help Make Our Chil-

dren More Resilient?

How to Build ResiliencyWhat Parents Can Learn from Bruce Bochy & the San Francisco Giants

in 2010, the san Francisco Giants were 6½ games back in their division in august. This year, they were neck and neck with the dodgers mid-season, when the dodgers made multiple blockbuster trades. Next thing you know, one of the Giants’ best players gets suspended for the remainder of the season. somehow, some way, both seasons ended in champagne celebrations and ticker-tape parades. how were the Giants able to overcome such adversity, stay united, and ultimately attain success?

The Giants did what any group of people does when they encounter a crisis, they looked to their leader. Bruce Bochy manages with a calm, honest confidence. at a lifetime achievement acceptance speech in 2011, he discussed the keys to a leader building resiliency. we all want our children to be resilient and learn to handle life’s inevitable challenges with grace and determination. To that end, there’s much we can learn from Bruce Bochy and the world Champion san Francisco Giants.

•“Resiliency comes from being positive but also not taking yourself so seriously.” That’s straight from Bochy’s mouth, but i can’t think of two better pieces of advice for handling today’s stressed-out, perfection-craving parenting arena. The “stay positive” aspect seems obvious enough if you think about it. we’re leaders and our children are looking to us to set the tone each day. so easy to get frustrated and defeated but if we stay that way most of the time, it’s only natural it would trickle down to our children. if we want them to be resilient, and learn to handle life’s inevitable bumps and bruises, the single best thing we can do, is model a positive outlook. This is obviously hardest and yet most crucial in times of crisis. That segues perfectly into the “not take yourself so seriously” piece to this puzzle. what’s a crisis and what’s not? seems to me, a big component to that dynamic is what we as leaders make of the whole thing. our children will follow our lead. The best we can do is stay positive and not take ourselves and the whole parenting schtick too seriously. like Bochy, convey your belief in your children with calm, consistent, confidence. he concludes, “The teams that are there in the end are the most positive.”

by Tom Limbert

Tom Limbert is a published parenting author and Parent Coach and can be found online at www.parentcoachtom.com. he has been working with young children and their

families since 1992. Tom has a Master’s degree in education with an emphasis in early childhood development and is the co-creator of studio Grow. Tom’s book,

Dad’s Playbook: Wisdom for Fathers from the Greatest Coaches of All Time, has over one hundred inspiring quotes and includes a Foreword from hall of Fame QB steve Young.

•Model and Teach the importance of learning from Mistakes – Mistakes, challenges, adversity, and failure are all inevitable whether you’re talking about a 162 game season, your child’s academic performance, or toilet training. again so important to keep in mind our children learn from the behavior we model. it’s up to us, to accept these tests, help our children decipher the lessons, and impart them in a non-judgmental, supportive manner. it starts with our attitude. Take it from Bochy, “if a player makes a mistake, i want him to learn from it. i want him to move on.” sergio Romo, the Giants’ closer, had this to say of Bochy: “he’s not judgmental at all. he had a lot of patience with us this season, which we needed.”

•“Focus Forward”—another phrase straight from the horse’s mouth (Bochy). once we’ve addressed the issue and what was learned, it’s up to us as leaders to move the attention and energy toward future endeavors and improvements. we can do that with two simple words: “next time.” like Bochy, we don’t want to dwell on the negative or the failure: “we want them in the here and now.”

•stay supportive—so much of a parent’s role is tied into discouraging certain behaviors. it’s easy to slip into that mode on a daily basis or take things personally. we need to recognize that our children need our encouragement and belief. as Bochy explains, “when you see someone having a hard time, help them out of it.”

•enjoy each other—ok, this one is more from hunter Pence and his now infamous speech before game three of the Reds series this year. as he pleaded to his teammates to “play for each other” and confessed, “i need one more day with you guys,” the unity and resilience that Bochy had instilled in the team, through his calm, honest leadership, was never so clear. it’s what enabled them to win two championships. leaders create tones of enjoyment or frustration; either way, those tones permeate. “it starts at the top,” Pence explains. “There’s a unique, relaxed and encouraging feeling that starts with Bochy. he’s always calm, and that keeps us calm.” No doubt us parents can learn from these guys and strive to be giants in our own homes. as i say in the closing line of my book, the memories and relationship we create together with our children, is our championship. P.s. – if you or someone you know enjoys quotes on leadership and sports (and how they relate to our role as parents), you’ll want to grab my book (Foreword from steve Young)—dad’s Playbook: wisdom for Fathers from the Greatest Coaches of all Time!


ALAMEDA COunTy:

Fremont:Mindbodyzone3335 Seldon Court 510-252-1193www.mindbody-zone.com Stair-climbers, treadmills, personal trainers, nutritional consultants, image consultants, weight-loss programs and spa. Classes: Pilates, yoga, core conditioning, circuit training.Childcare: No

Livermore: Anytime Fitness900 Bluebell Dr.925-443-1400www.anytimefitness.com Cardio equipment, strength equipment, personal training, wellness program, and tanning. Classes: NoChildcare: No

LifestyleRX1119 E. Stanley Blvd.925-454-6342

Pleasanton:24 Hour Fitness—Super Sport4770 Willow Rd.925-463-1515www.24hourfitness.com Cardio equipment, free weights, basketball courts, tennis courts, squash courts, group cycling, outdoor lap pool, personal training, steam room, towel service, spa and hair salon. Classes: Many to choose fromChildcare: Yes

Anytime Fitness3500 Bernal Ave925-924-0333 www.anytimefitness.com Cardio equipment, strength equipment, personal training, wellness program, and tanning. Classes: NoChildcare: No

Bikram Yoga Bikram Yoga /Studio 3283 Bernal Avenue Suite # 109Phone: 925-426-0460

Club One Fitness5860 W Las Positas Blvd925-924-1110www.clubone.com This neighborhood club features four dedicated studios with unlimited premium classes typically only found in high-end boutique studios like barrel cycling, functional training and more.Classes: Many to choose fromChildcare: No

Club Sport Pleasanton 7090 Johnson Dr.925-463-2822www.clubsports.com State of the art weight and cardio equipment, certified personal trainers, nutrition counseling, rock wall and climbing area. 10 indoor tennis courts, 4 outdoor tennis courts, 8 indoor racquetball/handball courts, 6 land outdoor deep water lap pool, exercise pool, children’s wading pool. 9000 sq. ft. Kids World including age appropriate activities, fitness and exercise center.Classes: Various to choose from Childcare: Yes

Downtown Yoga220 Division Street925-819-9983

Elite Training Center 1279 Quarry Ln925-967-3265www.elitetrainingca.com Specialized programs for advanced athletes and one on one personalized training for individuals with specific goals. Boxing is also available.Classes: Various strength and conditioning available.Childcare: No, but they do have various children programs.

Fitness 194250 Rosewood Dr.Pleasanton, CA 94588925-416-1100

COnTRA COSTA COunTy:

Alamo:24 Hour Fitness —Active 140 A Alamo Plaza925-362-1730www.24hourfitness.com Cardio Equipment, circuit training, free weights and personal training.Classes: Group Exercise ClassesChildcare: Yes

Antioch:24 Hour Fitness2632 Somersville Rd925-753-1533www.24hourfitness.com Cardio Equipment, circuit training, free weights and personal training.Classes: Group Exercise ClassesChildcare: Yes

Fitness Guide


In Shape 4099 Lone Tree Way 925-331-3065www.inshapeclubs.com Cardio equipment, resistance equipment, indoor and outdoor pools, basketball and a kids club.Classes: Group Exercise classesChildcare: Yes

Brentwood:Anytime Fitness7750 Brentwood Blvd. Ste. E925-513-7001 www.anytimefitness.com Cardio equipment, strength equipment, personal training, wellness program, and tanning. Classes: NoChildcare: No

Delta Valley Athletic Club120 Guthrie Lane 925-240-2990www.deltavac.com Strength and cardio machines, personal trainers and nutritional consultants.Classes: Over 50 classes to choose from Childcare: Yes

The Little Gym of Brentwood3850 Balfour Rd. Ste. K925-634-0034www.thelittlegym.com The Little Gym is the world’s premier experiential learning and physical development center for kid’s ages four months through 12 years. Each week, progressively structured classes and a positive learning environment create opportunities for your child to try new things and build self-confidence, all with a grin that stretches from ear to ear.Classes: YesChildcare: No

In Shape 180 Griffith Lane 925-513-8700www.inshapeclubs.com Cardio equipment, resistance equipment, indoor pools, basketball and a kids club.Classes: Group Exercise classesChildcare: Yes

Clayton:Clayton Fitness Center1516 Kirker Pass Rd.925.672.2010www.claytonfitnesscenter.com Clayton Fitness Boot Camp/Circuit Training Program. Circuit Training is a specially designed workout routine that uses a combination of exercises to work your aerobic system while simultaneously working on your strength.Classes: NoChildcare: No

Concord:In Shape 5294 Clayton Rd925-602-5600www.inshapeclubs.com Top of the line equipment, basketball and racquetball courts, yoga and Pilate’s studio, and an outdoor pool.Classes: Great group classesChildcare: Yes

The Big C1381 Galaxy Way 925-671-2110www.thebigc.com Treadmills, rowing machines, stair masters, recumbent bikes, ellipticals, and outdoor pool.Classes: Pilates, step aerobics, tennis, swimming and more.Childcare: No

UFC1975 Diamond Blvd.925-265-8130www.ufcgym.com Cardio and resistance machines, martial arts conditioning and kids programs offered.Classes: Various to choose from Childcare: Yes

Danville: Crunch Fitness3464 Blackhawk Plazawww.crunch.com Pilates, Yoga, Dance, Strength and Cardio programs available.Classes: Various to choose from Childcare: Yes

Danville Fitness 101 Town and County Dr.925-743-3919www.ballyfitness.com Cardio Equipment, strength training, personal training and cycling available.Classes: Yoga and various group classesChildcare: Yes

Fitness Guide


Fit Personal Studio294-B Railroad Ave925-362-8001www.fitstudiodanville.com One-on-one Personal training, partner training, sports specific training, Pilate’s reformer studio, registered Dietician. Childcare: No

IM=X Pilates Studio201 Sycamore Valley Road West 925-838-9900Pilates Studiowww.imxbayarea.com

The Studio730 Camino Ramon 925-838-9200www.thestudiolife.comYoga, Pilates, Cycle, TRX, Kettlebell (coming soon), BarreOutdoor training/boot camps, Toning/sculpting, Walk/hike clubRunning club

Lafayette:Absolute Center3658 Mt. Diablo Blvd. #101925-299-9642www.absolutecenter.net Cardio and strength machines including free weights, treadmills, stair-climbers, and stationary cycles, personal trainers, physical therapists and stretching area.Classes: Pilates and yogaChildcare: No

Oakwood Athletic Club4000 Mt. Diablo Blvd.www.oakwoodathlecticclub.com A full service club that includes spa treatments, high intensity workouts, relaxing mind body classes, challenging court sports, masters swim instruction, challenging court sports, and kids programs.Childcare: Yes

Oakley:Diamond Hills Sports Club & Spa1510 Neroly Rd.925-420-4575www.sparetimeclubs.com 17 tennis courts, three pools/two spa aquatics, two group exercise rooms, Kid’s Club, Children’s Play Center, and Youth Exercise Center. Classes: Many to choose fromChildcare: Yes

Pleasant Hill:Irvin Deutcher Family YMCA350 Civic Dr.925-687-8900www.mdrymca.org Cardio and strength equipment, indoor/outdoor pool, aerobics/dance studio, indoor running track, teen/youth center, and computer room.Classes: Aerobics, cycling, swimming, and more. Childcare: Yes

San Ramon:24 Hour Fitness—Super Sport4450 Norris Canyon Rd. 925-244-9855www.24hourfitness.com Cardio equipment, free weights, basketball court, group cycling, indoor lap pool, volleyball and whirlpool.Classes: Many to choose fromChildcare: Yes

Anytime Fitness9140 Alcosta Blvd Ste. B 925-556-6700www.anytimefitness.com Cardio equipment, strength equipment, personal training, wellness program, and tanning. Classes: NoChildcare: No

ClubSport San Ramon350 Bollinger Canyon Lane925-735-8500www.clubsportsr.com Full- service club. Cardio equipment, free weights, full sized basketball court, tennis courts, squash courts, outdoor lap pool, and personal training.Classes: Many to choose fromChildcare: Yes

Fitness 19160 Market Place925-327-1919www.fitness19.com Treadmills, stair climbers, lifecycles, elliptical cross-trainers, free weights, and many machines to choose from.Classes: NoChildcare: No

Fitness Guide


Walnut Creek:Country Wood Fitness2074 Treat Blvd925-933-2668www.countrywoodfitness.comCountry Wood Fitness has dedicated its work to keep its members in great physical condition. To ensure the best results possible for any one of our members, we brought you the Country Wood Fitness Boot Camp/ Circuit Training Program. Classes: Circuit Training SessionsChildcare: No

East Bay FitnessHeather Farms Park925-364-0296www.myeastbayfitness.com East Bay Fitness is the Bootcamp of all Bootcamps! Using the entire beautiful Heather Farms Park terrain, we spend an action packed hour challenging your body in the most safe and efficient way to sculpt and strengthen your physique.Classes: NoChildcare: No

Fitness 191853 Ygnacio Valley Rd925-935-1132Cardio equipment, circuit training, free weights, and more.Classes: Many to choose fromChildcare: Yes

Forma Gym1908 Olympic Blvd925-262-1339www.formagym.com Cardio and strength equipment and personal trainers. Classes: Many to choose fromChildcare: No

LA Boxing1501 N Broadway Ste. 150925-939-4269You won’t find any classes taking place on wood dance floors at LA Boxing! That’s because each gym offers a proper boxing, kickboxing, and mixed martial arts experience, complete with 16-ounce gloves and 150-pound punching bags for our members.Classes: NoChildcare: No

Lynch Fitness1530 S Main Street925-482-0696www.lynchfitness.com At Lynch Fitness, they specialize in functional training and circuit training. This means you aren’t lifting heavy weights, or doing limited movements on machines. Our nationally certified trainers will have you working with TRX equipment, rubber bands, bosu balls, ropes, and focus on keeping your entire body moving and activated during each workout. By focusing on movement, reaching, and stretching, we make sure your every-day life becomes better, and healthier. Classes: NoChildcare: No

Renaissance ClubSport Walnut Creek2805 Jones Rd.877-274-9900www.renaissanceclubsport.com A full-service sports club. Offers cardio and weight training center, group classes, pilates, personal trainers, sports courts, aquatics, kids programs, Spa, Restaurant, Pro shop and more!Classes: Many to choose fromChildcare: Yes

Snap Fitness 24/71533A Palos Verdes Mall925-938-8006www.snapfitness.comSnap Fitness of Walnut Creek is open 24 hours a day 7 days a week to service all of your fitness needs. We have state of the art equipment, personal trainers, and friendly staff to help with anything needed.Classes: NoChildcare: No

Walnut Creek Sports & Fitness Club 1908 Olympic Blvd.925-932-6400www.wcsf.netStrength and cardio machines, personal trainers, nutritional consultants, image consultants and weight-loss programs. Classes: NoChildcare: Yes

CurvesMultiple Bay Area locationswww.curves.com Women’s only gym. Cardio and strength equipment incorporating circuit training. Classes: NoChildcare: No

Fitness Guide


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a week or two ago, i went for a walk on my lunch hour along the Truckee River. it was a glorious day; the river was full and frothy, kayakers cavorted in the rapids, an optimistic fly fisherman flicked his line in the shallows, and people strolled along the river path. as i walked, i passed several young

mothers wheeling their children in strollers. There was an odd thing about these moms, though; their children were sitting quietly in their strollers, staring vacantly at the passing scene. Mom’s attention was focused elsewhere: three of the moms were chatting loudly but not to their children—they were on the phone. another mom walked along in a world of her own, listening to her iPod while her little boy slumped in his seat. it seems that everywhere you go, you see people who can’t bear to be disconnected from the digital community. we wear our iPhones and Blackberries proudly on our belts, carry BlueTooth devices in our cars, and check for messages from the universe every few minutes. what would happen, do you suppose, if we all turned off our electronic toys for a while and had a real conversation? would we miss something important? would the world really come to an end? here’s a news flash: children do not learn language and social skills or develop relationships by listening to you talk on the phone. Nor do they learn anything useful when you sit at the computer, listen to books or music on your MP3 player, or chat and text with your friends all day. i recently explained to an adolescent client of mine that when i was in high school, we didn’t have Facebook, computers, or cell phones. in fact, i told her, i had to talk to my friends on the one phone my family owned, which happened to be in the kitchen. attached to the wall. By a cord. she was horrified. “didn’t your mom hear everything you said?” she asked me, appalled at the very idea. “Yup,” i answered. and i know i’m getting older when i find myself thinking that returning to the days of non-wireless phones might be a good thing for a few teens i know. Yes, i sound like a curmudgeon. and in fact, i check my email regularly, do most of my work on a sophisticated laptop computer, and own an MP3 player and a smart phone. But i do know when to turn them off. unfortunately, for many parents technology has blurred the line between work and family life. Being at home no longer means being able to focus on your family; sometimes it just means you get to work even longer hours—but in more comfortable clothing. in fact, i believe that parents may be more addicted to technology

Connectivityby Cheryl L. Erwin, MA, MFT


than their kids—with very serious consequences. if you have children, especially young children, you need to take them for lots of walks, and trips to the park and the grocery store. But here’s the deal: you should be talking to them. You can point out the baby ducklings, the swallows’ nests under the bridge, and the daffodils just peeking through the soil. You can talk about how grass feels on bare feet, why we don’t approach strange dogs, and how long dragonflies live. if you don’t know how long dragonflies live, you can find out together. (You can look it up on the internet, but it might be more fun to visit a library. You remember books, don’t you?) at the store, you can talk about the yellow bananas, the shiny red apples, and the deep purple eggplant. You can count coins and teach about money. You can plan a meal. Then you can eat it together.

in other words, you should be doing lots of talking to your children and you should leave lots of time for them to talk back to you. if they can’t talk yet, it doesn’t matter; they will learn language from the sound of your voice and from the rhythm of your words. Most important, be sure there’s time every day when you can be together as a family without the incessant blather of the television, a movie, the telephone, or the computer. Make the dinner table a technology-free zone and practice the art of conversation.

You can’t raise children effectively in your spare time. Nor can you afford to send your children the message that they are less important to you than your boss, your girlfriends, your golf buddies, or your favorite TV program. Children aren’t gerbils; they need far more than food, water, and a place to sleep. They need your patience, your love, and your attention. They need you to be interested in them, to teach them about the world, and to take time to play with them.

i think we should declare a national “Turn it off” day and lock all of our electronic junk in a drawer. Then we should focus our attention on the living, breathing human beings right there next to us. You might be surprised at what you discover.

Cheryl Erwin is a marriage and family therapist who works with children, teens, and parents in Reno, Nevada. she is also a popular speaker and trainer, the co-author

of several books in the bestselling “Positive Discipline” series, and the author of the “Everything Parent’s Guide to Raising Boys.” Cheryl also does a weekly commentary

on parenting for public radio, which you can hear at www.kunr.org. You can learn more about Cheryl and her work at www.cherylerwin.com.


Want to stop yelling at your kids? Ready to start having dinner as a family? need to find a way to rebuild your relationship with your son or daughter? Desperate to change the tone in your house from sniping and snotty to laughing and loving? January is a great time for families to reflect on,

appreciate, and evolve their lives together.

unfortunately, studies show that while most americans make New Year’s Resolutions, the majority abandon them in frustration and self-disgust within a few weeks. why?

Because the resolutions were too vague, or too overwhelming, or we didn’t have a plan, or we didn’t revise our plan to accommodate reality when we hit a wall. or maybe we never really committed ourselves, so our resolution couldn’t grow roots, much less flower.

But the biggest reason is that habits are hard to break, and resolutions by themselves are a wish without a plan. Resolve by itself is a great beginning, but it’s only the first step of the journey.

There are a few lucky folks who actually make their New Year’s resolutions come true, however. what can we learn from them?

1. Prioritize. You can’t get more fit, stop yelling at your kids, and get a promotion at work all at once. however, if you do one of these things, it gives you confidence to tackle the others. it’s fine to dream big. set one manageable goal, and then make a list of “next goals” to cultivate in turn after you’ve mastered your first resolution. But put that longer list away for at least a month, and more likely three.

2. Commit yourself—on paper. once we set an intention, the universe lines up to support us. we marshal resources we never even suspected we had available, from both inside and out. hone your desire: why do you want this goal? what will be different in your life once you achieve it? describe what your life will look like, to whet your appetite. Fierce desire + intention = the seed of your Resolution. without that seed, nothing grows.

by Dr. Laura Markham

How To MaKe a New Year’s resoluTioN

You CaN Keep


3. Make a plan. The only way anyone ever met a big goal was by breaking it into little pieces and accomplishing one day at a time. how will you support yourself to accomplish your resolution? what will you actually do, day by day, to achieve your goal? write it all down, day by day. assign yourself a (reasonable) task for each day, with one day every week free for catch-up or time off. (it might be the same task every day; for instance, “Get up ten minutes earlier than usual to sit in silence.”)Put your your daily small goals or tasks on your calendar. Make a chart to check off your daily progress, and put it up in a public place. every day you stick to your plan, you’re growing roots.

4. Make it a habit. Most resolutions go wrong because they aren’t sustained for long enough to change a habit. habits need to be repeated at least once daily (preferably at the same time each day) for 30 days to become entrenched. Check in every day and take a positive action towards your goal. Think of this as watering your Resolution. don’t lose heart if your Resolution isn’t flowering during the first month. You should be able to see those shoots poking up, and maybe some buds forming. in other words, progress in the right direction.

5. Take it one day at a time. if change were easy, you’d already be doing it. so naturally it’s hard to imagine that change lasting forever, or even for a year. But you can do anything for an hour, or an afternoon. From there, it isn’t such a big stretch to go a whole day. Before you know it, you’ve clocked a week of your new life, and then a month. what about those days when you blow it? Plan now -- of course those days will happen! if you learn from it, it’s not a total loss. what can you do next time so you keep to your resolution? use those times you fall short of your goal to make a plan for the future, now.

6. Review and Revise. Check your plan every single day. Give yourself lavish positive reinforcement for every day you take a step forward – which should be almost every day. Cheer when you see the first flowers. Not working? Maybe you need some sunshine. Find whatever support you need to help you make your plan a reality. or some fertilizer; revise your plan as necessary. For instance, take smaller steps every day, so you can actually make some daily progress. don’t be afraid to lengthen your timetable. even two steps forward, one step back will get you where you’re going. any goal worth achieving will take longer than you thought. sometimes the impossible just takes a little longer.

Dr. Laura Markham is the author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop yelling and Start Connecting. she earned her Ph.d. in Clinical Psychology from Columbia university and has worked as a parenting coach with countless parents across the

english-speaking world, both in person and via phone. You can find dr. laura online at AhaParenting.com, the website of aha! Moments for parents of kids from birth through the teen years, where she offers a free daily inspiration email to parents.


by Brenna M. Hicks

10 Things Not to Say to Your Kids

when i think about all of the phrases, anecdotes, and sayings about the power of the spoken word i am reminded of how i changed my way of communicating with children upon learning Play Therapy principles. i realize that using Play

Therapy based language is a learned and practiced skill that requires time and effort, so i thought it would be helpful to share ten commonly used phrases parents say to their kids. i will also give the Play Therapy based alternative with a short explanation of why it is more effective.

1. no (running, hitting, yelling, fill in the verb)! Kids hear the word “no” far too frequently. You can always rephrase the sentence from a negative to a positive, which will correct the behavior without sounding critical. Train yourself to say what you want them to do instead of what you don’t. so, you can say “walk, please” instead of “No running”.

2. Good job! i have spent a good deal of time on articles on the difference between Praise vs. encouragement, and this phrase is arguably the most commonly spoken praise children hear. Train yourself to respond with “You did it!” or “You got it!” or “You figured it out!”. Notice the common element is starting with the word “you” and then acknowledging what they worked at, rather than what you think about it.

3. Don’t argue with me. Children are programmed to question, analyze and wonder about situations. This can sometimes present itself in an argumentative manner, but this is actually a normal part of development. instead of cutting off the conversation, you can say, “i know you want my answer to be different, but it will not change”. You can also train yourself to make sure the child fully understands your response, with “i just told you my answer. do you have a question about it?” This allows the child to present their opinion or get clarification. either way, the child is allowed to express their thoughts or concerns and feel validated without an argument.

4. Wait until your Dad/Mom/other person finds out about this. This does two things. First, it creates anxiety and fear in the child, especially of the person who you are going to tell about whatever happened. second, it ignores your responsibility to deal with the issue at hand and passes it to someone else. By the time a child has gotten in trouble for something, they already feel guilty, sorry and embarrassed about it. Threatening to tell someone else rubs salt in the wound. Choose whether the other person really needs to know about the


issue, and if yes, let the child decide who will tell them. “do you choose to tell (Mom) what happened, or choose for me to tell her with you there to make sure that i explain it correctly?” This gives the child respect and responsibility for their actions.

5. If you do that one more time… i can’t tell you the number of times i hear that phrase when around other parents, even though it is highly ineffective. First, you are threatening a child, which makes them fearful of you. second, the threat is usually not something that is feasible to do (we are going home, you are going straight to bed, you don’t get dinner, you are grounded for a week, etc.) what we say in frustration is not only impractical but easily forgettable. Then we contradict our credibility. You can train yourself to be clear and concise, using choices. “if you choose to (continue that behavior), you choose to (receive whatever consequence has already been established as a punishment)”. You might say, “erin, if you choose to poke your sister again, you choose to not watch TV for the rest of the day”. This clearly communicates the expectation and the consequence, without a threat.

6. you are doing that the wrong way. Parents tend to want control all of the time, and it takes work to allow kids to have freedom to do what they choose. of course, there will be times when a task must be completed in a certain fashion (homework, etc.). however, many times we force kids to do something the “right way”, when it could have been done in several ways. if a child is coloring the grass purple, it is easy to tell them it must be green. a kid can sit down on a chair facing the back, and we make them turn around. Train yourself to acknowledge their behavior without a judgment, such as “You chose to sit the other way on the chair” or “You colored the grass purple instead”. This gives them the freedom to be creative and discover things without expectations.

7. That is what happens when you… we often try to teach lesson to kids about life at the most inappropriate times. if a child gets hurt because they were doing something dangerous or inappropriate, they already learned their lesson. it is wasted words to try to express a rule when a child is upset, as they focus on one thing at a time. instead, train yourself to say, “You realized that you jumped off the chair and got hurt when you landed on the ground”, rather than, “see,that is what happens when you jump off the chair”. The former acknowledges that the child already figured out the problem, but is still comforting.

8. you can’t/Don’t do that. when redirecting behavior, it is difficult to know how to phrase things in the best manner. Telling a child that they can’t do something makes them prove that they can, by telling you or showing you that it is in fact possible. Telling a kid to not do something makes them want to argue or rebel. Train yourself to explain the reason behind your statement. “That is not safe” or “Your skin is not for coloring on” is specific and helps them learn why things are off limits, rather than just that they are.


9. We are (whatever the child doesn’t want to do at that moment), OKAy? in an attempt to be kind and loving to children, parents tend to ask kids for their approval. i understand the rationale behind it, but i believe it becomes a habit when trying to convince a child to comply. Parents will often say, “we are leaving the playground now and we’ll come back again, okay?” The reality is that asking your child if it is okay sets you up for an argument when the child says no. You already know that he doesn’t want to leave, or you wouldn’t be negotiating with him. Train yourself to state things in sentence form, while acknowledging the child’s feelings. “kevin, i know you want to stay and play, but it is time to go. we can come back another day”. This helps the child feel understood, but still communicates that leaving is non-negotiable.

10. you are making me really mad right now. when i was a child and fought with my younger brother, i would complain to my mom that he made me mad about something. she would (and still does) respond with “No one can make you feel anything. You choose to get mad.” at the time, i hated that phrase. however, it is very true. Parents tend to let their children control their emotions, when it is the parent who is ultimately responsible for how they feel. it is also important for kids to understand that they choose what they feel, and they are not creating emotions in you. Train yourself to say, “i need a break right now because i am getting upset” or “i am angry right now”. You can communicate your feelings to your children without placing the burden of cause on them.Retraining your way of speaking will take time and energy, but can be done. i would encourage you to do it one step at a time, and feel proud when you hear yourself respond differently. it will not happen overnight, as i liken it to learning a new language, but it can happen with practice!

Brenna Hicks is a licensed mental health counselor and play therapist in Tampa Bay, Fla. and has been featured on CNN and in the New York Times.

she provides parenting advice and topics on her blog, ThekidCounselor.com and is currently completing her Ph.d. in counseling at the university of south Florida. For more information, visit BrennaHicks.com or Facebook.com/thekidcounselor.


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Most of us start the New Year with good intentions. we resolve to work out more, eat better, get out of debt, learn something new, or help other people. But within the next few weeks, there is a good chance that we may

have abandoned our resolutions. on the other hand, some of us have given up making these ambitious lists in the first place because we are not convinced we will make the commitment a priority.

does this lack of commitment mean that we don’t have the best intentions? on the contrary: failure to meet a goal sometimes results from poor planning. with the right plan of action in place though, almost anything can be accomplished. Good planning means obtaining the right information, setting realistic, incremental goals, and surrounding yourself with the proper support.

This year, consider resolving to gain control of your family’s finances. and don’t do it alone! involve the entire family so you can all work as a team. instead of making vague, general resolutions like “save money,” set manageable, achievable goals like “save $25 per month by drinking filtered tap water instead of bottled water.” decide on these goals only after assessing your current financial situation and brainstorming your ideas as a group.

Try not to worry that your kids will balk at the idea. Children love group activities, and from toddlerhood to teen years they are fascinated by money. Finances may be a huge source of stress for parents, but for most kids, the subject of money invokes not fear and dread, but intense curiosity.

a recent survey conducted by Forbes Consulting Group for MassMutual shows that most parents want their children to be financially savvy, but at the same time, less than half feel they are good money managers themselves. how many parents, then, are actually teaching their kids about saving, spending and budgeting? There’s a big gap between what parents say they want and what they are actually taking steps to achieve. Now, at the beginning of the new year, is the perfect time to make family finances a priority. Make it a team effort, with everyone learning and contributing in the process.

Begin by talking with your children about resolutions. ask them to give examples of resolutions, and make sure they understand the concept of setting goals for things they want to achieve in the future. discuss your personal financial goals, and brainstorm ideas for each family member and for the family as a group. discuss the ways people get and spend money, such as in exchange for services,

by Sarah Tolson

Resolved: To Harness the Power of the Family

in the Coming Year

labor, or material goods, as an allowance or gift, or as interest when money is loaned up front. explain that the money any family receives is limited, and that spending it for one item or service means not having it for something else. encourage each family member to make one personal resolution for the coming year and make it a priority to hold each other accountable

almost any decision will have a financial component, so coming up with money-related resolutions should not be difficult. say, for example, that your son wants to learn to play the drums. does he have his own money to contribute, from an allowance, gifts, or a job? who will teach him, and where will he obtain the instrument? he could purchase a drum set and pay for lessons but prices would vary widely depending on the source and quality. a used kit would probably be less expensive, but as a novice drummer would he be able to choose wisely? Might a rental be available? Could he take lessons and have use of a drum set through his school at no charge? Perhaps the family could purchase a practice drum block and ten lessons to start. if at the end of that time he is still showing interest, a starter set could be bought.

or let’s say your daughter wants to save $100 by the end of the year. if she puts aside 50 cents a week from an allowance, she’ll be a quarter of the way to her goal. does she ever receive cash for birthday or holiday gifts? if so, help her to estimate how much she could plan to set aside. Could she earn part of the money by offering a service to friends, neighbors, or family members? Consider matching funds for some or all of her deposits, to introduce the concept and to encourage her to save. write up your resolutions neatly and post them where everyone can see them, on the refrigerator perhaps. on a regular basis, at the beginning of each month for example, do a quick check of everyone’s progress. with determination and cooperation, you’ll be toasting your success on the following New Year’s eve!

GAInInG COnTROLToday is a great day to start to gain control and begin preparing for the future. Guidance from qualified financial professionals can help overcome hesitancy and bring balance to the most challenging of financial circumstances. working with a financial professional who understands your family’s unique, specific financial needs, can help you to establish key financial goals and make financial decisions a priority this year. To learn more or access helpful materials, speak with a local financial professional or visit www.massmutual.com/families.

Sarah Tolson, Certified Financial Planner™ and Founder of Girls Just Gotta have Funds, is passionate about helping women and families create customized wealth-building

plans tailored to their goals and life circumstances. as a second generation financial planner, sarah’s vision is to inspire women to make their dreams a reality!

sarah is offering the readers of active kids directory a complimentary one-hourfinancial consultation and would like to extend an invitation to her monthly

wine, women & wealth workshop. Please call her at (925) 736-3024or email her at [email protected] for more information.

© 2010 Massachusetts Mutual life insurance Company, springfield, Ma


a winter pregnancy has its challenges. Cold weather can diminish your will to exercise and eat well. what sounds better than a cozy couch and comfort food? Many women think that being pregnant provides free rein to eat anything and dreary

weather can contribute to making poor food choices. a women pregnant with one baby needs No extra calories during the first trimester and only an additional 300 calories in the second and third. adding a 10:00 am bowl of oatmeal and a banana is enough. eating for two means that you need more nutrients per calorie. Pregnancy cravings are not a sign that your body needs a specific nutrient, a common misconception. They usually occur because your diet and blood sugar are not properly balanced. keep in mind that the more junk you eat, the more junk you want. if you stop to ask yourself what you really crave, the answer is more likely a nap rather than the donut that you will regret later. it comes down to making smart choices and there are ways to increase the nutrients in the comfort foods you crave.

IMPROVE COMFORT FOOD

•Resolve to only eat whole fruit based desserts this winter. a cranberry-apple crisp provides you and your baby with vitamins, minerals, fiber and grains as compared with a piece of chocolate cake which provides empty calories, artificial colors, a blood sugar spike and future cravings.

•add more vegetables to any main dish. Make a vegetarian chili by leaving out the meat to reduce calories and fat while still getting all the protein you need from beans. Bell peppers, tomatoes and corn all up the fiber and nutrients while maintaining the hardiness of this comfort food.

ExERCISE: THE WInTER CuRE

dark, overcast days and inactivity can trigger the blues and cravings. it’s easy to stay home. when you experience these feelings, it’s the perfect time to head to the gym! i guarantee that if you show up tired or down you will leave with more energy and higher spirits. exercise increases serotonin in the brain. This is a big deal during pregnancy because serotonin levels are associated with mood, energy and feeling full. The more you exercise, the fewer cravings you will have, the more energetic you will be and the happier you will feel.

by Danielle Fredrico

Staying Fit During a Winter

Pregnancy


while just getting to the gym may be the hardest part, you may find that prenatal exercise is better during the winter. Your body runs hotter when you are pregnant, so exercising in cold weather is more comfortable. i found that even in January i often wore shorts and a tank at the gym. Be sure to stay hydrated, even though you may sweat less during cold weather workouts.

WISE ExERCISE

Most women focus almost entirely on cardio, but a much wiser strategy is a combination of cardio and weight-bearing, resistance training. Cardio abilities diminish as pregnancy progresses because the baby crowds the diaphragm making it harder to breathe. as cardio workouts become less intense, women don’t burn enough calories and they start gaining too much weight. without a solid weightlifting program in place many don’t know what to do other than walk. walking is fine, but it is not the most beneficial or effective exercise. Join a class and be social. it doesn’t need to be a prenatal exercise class. women with low risk pregnancies can continue to enjoy a similar fitness routine and intensity well into their pregnancies. The social support of classmates can keep you motivated. while lifting weights is one of the best prenatal activities, i recommend avoiding group weights classes because they are performed at an inappropriate speed for pregnancy.

Join a gym for the winter. You may be less likely to go outside to exercise if it is cold or wet, but the weather never changes inside the gym. Try to go to the gym at the same time everyday and you will come to know the ‘regulars’. having a sense of community, even with gym acquaintances and staff, combats winter isolation and fosters some level of accountability that you will not have if you are exercising at home alone. even the bright florescent lighting has a positive effect on serotonin levels making you feel happier.

ExPERT GuIDAnCE

designing a workout plan for pregnancy can be challenging because your body is constantly changing. it is easier to stay motivated and committed if you are following a plan. MOMMy FABuLOuS: Complete Pregnancy nutrition and Fitness Guide, Designed to Deliver a Fabulous Postpartum Figure

Danielle Federico, M.P.H. is the author of “MoMMY FaBulous: Complete Pregnancy Fitness and Nutrition Guide, designed to deliver a Fabulous Postpartum Figure.” (amazon.com) she holds a Masters of Public health from uC Berkeley and is a

personal trainer and nutritional counselor. danielle’s popular blog www.dani-fabulous.com provides nutrition, health and fitness information for

anyone looking to lead a healthier life.


JaNuaRYcalendar

Alameda County:January 1Rockin Tots Parent and Me Jump TimeRockin Jump—DublinEvery Tues/Wed 9:00am-11:00amwww.rockinjump.com

January 2“Frosty’s Magic Hat” Puppet ShowCivic Center LibraryLivermore10:30am-11:30amwww.cityoflivermore.net

January 2-3 Zoofari ZooCampOakland ZooAges: Kindergarten—5th gradeAdmission: $55-$60/dayPre-registration required9:00am-4:00pmwww.oaklandzoo.org

January 2-6Confetti Art Week Habitot—BerkeleyRegular Business Hourswww.habitot.org

January 3Magician Michael Stroud Dublin Library 2:00pm-3:00pmwww.cu.dublin.ca.us

January 3-4Winter Expressions Dance and Arts Camps Expressions Dance & Arts—PleasantonEach camp is 4 hours long $80, includes all supplies for art project, healthy snack, and danceperformance for parentsPrincess Dance & Arts Camp (ages 5-8) 10:00am-noon (dance session & princess themed art project)Super Stars Dance & Arts Camp (ages 8-11)1:00pm-3:00pm (dance session & Van Gogh themed art project)Divas Dance & Arts Camp (ages 12 & up) 3:00pm-5:00pm (dance session, fashion design project & Degas themed art project)www.Expressions-Dance-Arts.com

January 4Pizza Fridays!Habitot—BerkeleyEvery Friday11:00am-12:30pmwww.habitot.org

Rockin FridaysRockin Jump—DublinEvery Friday 9:00pm-12:00amwww.rockinjump.com

ZooCamp-Nature Play Oakland ZooAges: Kindergarten-5th gradeAdmission: $55-$60/dayPre-registration required9:00am-4:00pmwww.oaklandzoo.org

January 5Duct Tape WalletsFremont Library Ages: 9-13www.aclibrary.org

Family Fun NightCity Beach—Fremont6:30pm-9:30pmBuy One Family Fun Night Pass, Get One Free!Phone: 510-651-2500 x104 www.citybeach.com

Andyland Studio Grow-BerkeleyStarts at 11:00am www.studiogrow.com

Rockin RobicsRockin Jump—DublinEvery Saturday 8:30am-9:30amwww.rockinjump.com

Rockin SaturdayRockin Jump—DublinEvery Saturday 9:00pm-12:00amwww.rockinjump.com

Puppet Show: Goldilocks & the Three BearsFairyland Oakland Every Saturday & Sunday 11:00am, 2:00pm & 4:00pmwww.fairyland.org


January 26ZooKids—Beaks & FeetOakland ZooAdmission: $20-$23Pre-registration required9:30am-12:00pmwww.oaklandzoo.org

Monster Energy AMA SupercrossOracle ArenaOakland 7:00pmwww.coliseum.com

Pleasanton History Walk Museum on Main Downtown Pleasanton Admission: FreeStarts at 2:00pmwww.museumonmain.org

January 29Avner the Eccentric Bankhead TheaterLivermore7:00pmwww.mylvpac.com

Contra Costa County:

January 2Fairy Tales WorkshopLindsay Wildlife Museum 10:00am-12:00pm www.wildlife-museum.org

January 3Color Bundles220 A Alamo PlazaAlamoCraft-Create mosaics ballwww.colorbundles.com

Circuit Cities WorkshopLindsay Wildlife Museum 1:00pm-3:00pmwww.wildlife-museum.org

January 16, 23, 30Paws to ReadCivic Center LibraryLivermore 7:00pm-7:25pm & 7:35pm-8:00pmPre-registration requiredwww.cityoflivermore.net

January 18Winter Craft Time Rincon Library—Livermore Ages: K-53:30pm-4:30pmwww.cityoflivermore.net

January 19Hanna Banana Studio Grow—BerkeleyStarts at 11:00am www.studiogrow.com

Harlem GlobetrottersOracle Arena—Oakland2:00pm & 7:00pmwww.harlemglobetrotters.com

Clay Play & SculptingPleasanton Library Registration requiredAges: K—2nd 1:30pm-2:15pm;3rd–5th 3:00pm-3:45pmwww.ci.pleasanton.ca.us

January 21Martin Luther King Jr. CelebrationHabitot—Berkeley9:30am-4:30pmwww.habitot.org

January 22Read to a DogFremont Library 6:30pm-7:30pmwww.aclibrary.org

January 23Cash MobDowntown Livermorewww.livermoredowntown.com

January 7Pajama Time Family Storytime Civic Center Library LivermoreEvery Monday 7:00pm-8:00pmwww.cityoflivermore.net

January 8Caregiver Café Habitot-Berkeley10:00am-11:00amwww.habitot.org

Rockin Tots Parent and Me Jump TimeRockin Jump—DublinEvery Tues/Wed 10:00am-12:00pmwww.rockinjump.com

January 11-January 27‘A Little Princess’ OpensOhlone CollegeJackson Theatre-Fremont www.starstrucktheatre.org

January 12ZooKids—Beaks & FeetOakland ZooAdmission: $20-$23Pre-registration required9:30am-12:00pmwww.oaklandzoo.org

January 14Scrabble Game NightFremont Library 7:00pm-8:30pmwww.aclibrary.org

January 15Food Trucks at the FairgroundsAlameda County FairgroundsAdmission: $2, children free; Parking $84:30pm-8:30pm www.alamedacountyfair.com


January 4Color Bundles220 A Alamo PlazaAlamoCraft-Create face mosaicswww.colorbundles.com

ARF Comedy Night Lesher Center for the ArtsStarts at 7:00pmwww.lesherartscenter.org

January 5Color Bundles220 A Alamo PlazaAlamoCraft-make a mosaic of snowy mountainswww.colorbundles.com

Stars to the Rescue XXIILesher Center for the ArtsStarts at 7:30pmwww.lesherartscenter.org

January 5-February 9Strength, Core & ResistanceBloom—Walnut Creek8:30am-9:15amwww.bloomretreat.com

January 6Lawrence Hall of Science Presents—WindLafayette LibraryAges: 3-6 with adultAdmission: $20/class1:30pm-2:30pmwww.lafayettelib.org

January 6 & 13Downtown Farmers’ Market On North Locust between Civic and LaCassie Walnut Creek9:00am-1:00pmwww.walnut-creek.org

January 8-March 12Yoga and Art for Homeschooling FamiliesBloom—Walnut Creek1:45pm-3:15pmwww.bloomretreat.com

January 8Terrific Tuesdays Preschool Program—Garden Treasure HuntGardens at Heather FarmsAges 2-5; $15 for the first child10:00am-10:45amwww.gardenshf.org

I Wonder About Lizards & SnakesLindsay Wildlife Museum 11:00am-11:45amwww.wildlife-museum.org

Animal Adaptations Body CoveringsLindsay Wildlife Museum 3:30pm-5:00pmwww.wildlife-museum.org

January 9Critter CoveringsLindsay Wildlife Museum 10:00am-10:45amwww.wildlife-museum.org Animal KingdomLindsay Wildlife Museum 3:30pm-4:30pmwww.wildlife-museum.org

January 10Discovery Days—Dirt ManiaLindsay Wildlife Museum 10:00am-11:30amwww.wildlife-museum.org

Critter Café—For the BirdsLindsay Wildlife Museum 3:30pm-5:00pmwww.wildlife-museum.org

January 12In The Shadow of HistoryBlack Diamond Mines Regional PreserveAntioch10:30am-12:00pm(510) 544-2750

Octopretzel Studio Grow—Concord Starts at 11:00am www.studiogrow.com

34th Annual Crab FeedBoys & Girls Club of Diablo Valley Pleasant Hill$50/person6:00pm-9:00pmwww.ci.pleasant-hill.ca.us

Preschool & Parenting Fair Pleasant Hill Senior Center9:00am-12:00pm www.phwcmothersclub.org

Pruning DemonstrationGardens at Heather Farms10:00am-1:00pmwww.gardenshf.org

Storytime at the Homestead Howe Homestead ParkReservations required2:00pm-3:00pm(925) 943-5899

January 14Infant & Child CPR CourseChildren’s Hospital OaklandWalnut Creek Campus6:30pm-9:00pmwww.childrenshospitaloakland.org

January 14 & 28Mothers of PreschoolersPresbyterian ChurchWalnut Creek9:15am-11:15amwww.mops.org


Try the Harp Class—FREEHarps Etc.Walnut CreekReservations required10:30am-11:15amwww.harpsetc.com

January 20Mozart and TchaikovskyLesher Center for the ArtsStarts at 4:00pmwww.lesherartscenter.org

January 21Holiday on IceBrentwood Last Day 12:30pm-10:30pmwww.brentwoodholidayonice.com


I Wonder About SalamandersLindsay Wildlife Museum 11:00am-11:45amwww.wildlife-museum.org

Animal Adaptations Predator & Prey Lindsay Wildlife Museum 3:30pm-5:00pmwww.wildlife-museum.org

January 23Lindsay Wildlife Museum Presents: A Celebration of A.A. Milne’s Birthday Lafayette LibraryAges: Preschoolers12:00pm-12:30pmwww.lafayettelib.org


Animal Adaptations—MovementLindsay Wildlife Museum 3:30pm-5:00pmwww.wildlife-museum.org

January 16Clowning AroundAntioch Library 3:00pm-4:00pmwww.ccclib.org

January 17Stress and Anger Management for WomenJohn Muir Health 6:30pm-8:30pmwww.johnmuirhealth.com

Discovery Days—Winter WingsLindsay Wildlife Museum 10:00am-11:30amwww.wildlife-museum.org

Critter Café—Bats & BeesLindsay Wildlife Museum 3:30pm-5:00pmwww.wildlife-museum.org

January 18Preschool Performance SeriesVillage Theater—DanvilleAdmission: $3/person10:00am-11:00am www.ci.danville.ca.us

January 19Lindsay Wildlife Museum Presents: Backyard BirdingLafayette Library Admission: $5/child1:30pm-2:30pmwww.lafayettelib.org

Discovery DaysIce, Water & SteamLindsay Wildlife Museum 10:00am-11:30amwww.wildlife-museum.org

Critter Café—Carnivore Café Lindsay Wildlife Museum 3:30pm-5:00pmwww.wildlife-museum.org

January 25 & 26‘The Music Man’ OpensLesher Center for the ArtsWalnut Creek 8:15pmwww.lesherartscenter.org January 26Lindsay Wildlife Museum Bird StrollLafayette Library Admission: $5/child6:30pm-8:00pmwww.lafayettelib.org

Annual Crab FeedDougherty Station Community Center San RamonAdmission: $45/adults & $20/childwww.srhf.org

East Bay Health ExpoWalnut Creek Civic Park 11:00am-3:00pmwww.eastbayhealthexpo.com

January 27Sienna Ranch Family DayLafayettePre-registration required12:00pm-4:00pmwww.siennaranch.net

January 28Mini Monday—Fabulous Flying FriendsLindsay Wildlife Museum 10:00am-12:00pmwww.wildlife-museum.org


January 30All Five SensesLindsay Wildlife Museum 10:00am-10:45amwww.wildlife-museum.org

January 31Discovery DaysPainting with NatureLindsay Wildlife Museum 10:00am-11:30amwww.wildlife-museum.org

Critter Café—Green GoodiesLindsay Wildlife Museum 3:30pm-5:00pmwww.wildlife-museum.org

Out of the Area:January 3-4Winter Discovery Day Camp UCCE/ElkusHalf Moon Bay$55/per day/per child9:00am-3:00pmwww.ucanr.edu January 17-January 21

Anniversary of the Sea Lions’ Arrival PIER 39 11:00am-4:00pmwww.pier39.com

January 18-20 Winnie the Pooh—KIDSHoover Theater-San Josewww.playfulpeople.net

January 20The Harlem GlobetrottersHP PavilionTickets $18-$631:00pm & 5:30pmwww.hppavilion.com

January 26Family Moonlight HikeCoyote Lake-Harvey Bear RanchSanta Clara County5:30pm-7:00pm www.sccgov.org


I Wonder About Frogs & ToadsLindsay Wildlife Museum 11:00am-11:45amwww.wildlife-museum.org

Animal Adaptations—Habitats & the Food WebLindsay Wildlife Museum 3:30pm-5:00pmwww.wildlife-museum.org

Managing Insomnia John Muir Health Walnut Creek6:30pm-8:30pmwww.johnmuirhealth.com


one of the most frequent comments i get from parents is “i just want my kid to be happy.” Though an admirable and common objective, happiness is one of the most

neglected family values in twenty-first-century america. Few parents grasp the essential meaning of happiness for their children and fewer still understand how they can help their children to find it.

Parents’ efforts at helping their children gain happiness are undermined by the distorted messages that popular culture communicates to parents about happiness; that happiness can be found in wealth, celebrity, power, and physical attractiveness. Yet research and anecdotal accounts of people who have these attributes show that pursuit of these “false idols” can actually cause unhappiness.

By understanding how happiness develops, you can help your children find true happiness. The real causes of happiness are all within your children’s control so they can actively do things that foster their own happiness.

SELF-ESTEEMself-esteem is a powerful contributor to happiness. self-esteem gives children a sense of security from which they can engage the world, which enables them to approach life with confidence. self-esteem also offers children a strong sense of competence, in which they view themselves as able people who can master important aspects of their lives. This faith in their abilities facilitates success, which can cultivate happiness. it also reduces worry and anxiety, which can cause unhappiness.

POSITIVE ATTITuDEwe’ve all seen children who just have a great attitude about things. They’re positive, optimistic, and hopeful. They see a world filled with sunlight and warmth rather than clouds and cold. These children tend to be happy because they see the “glass half-full,” meaning they expect good things to happen to them. Children with positive attitudes are also more likely to express gratitude. Children who appreciate the opportunities they’re given and convey genuine gratitude to those who help them have been found to be happy people.

PASSIOnanother essential contributor to your children’s happiness is a passion for

by Dr. Jim Taylor

Raise a Happy Child


something in their lives, be it writing, soccer, the piano, or another avenue. Passionate children are happy children because there is something in their lives that they absolutely love to do. Children’s passions engage, absorb, and thrill them. For example, the reader who savors every word of the books she reads or the cellist who listens to Yo Yo Ma for hours on end. Just being involved in any way in the activities for which they have a passion makes them happy.Popular culture doesn’t want your children to be passionate about meaningful activities in their lives. it wants your children to connect to things that will never bring your children happiness, but will make it more money, for example, video games and shopping. Parents exacerbate this dependence by choosing the expedient route for entertaining their children—handing them over to popular culture—rather than finding activities that engage their children, from which they might find a passion.

BALAnCEThe unhappiest children i work with are those who lead unbalanced lives. They spend most of their time in one activity and their self-esteem is based largely on how they do in that activity. The problem with devotion to one activity is that things will not always go well, there will be times when children have setbacks and failures, and they will experience boredom, disenchantment, and frustration. if the one activity is all that your children have to feel good about themselves, you are at risk for unhappiness.

Popular culture wants your children to be imbalanced. Children see young stars, like the soccer player, Freddie abdu, or the actress, hilary duff, and are told by popular culture that they must sacrifice balance and, for example, join “all-star” traveling sports teams or take piano or dance classes five days a week to become superstars. Children who are out of balance are at risk of falling over—metaphorically—and being very unhappy.

Balanced children derive happiness from many outlets, for example, sports, involvement in spiritual or cultural activities, or reading. Children who have balance in their lives will still have experiences where things don’t go well, but, because their self-esteem is not based solely on one activity and other parts of their lives bring them happiness, they’re still able to maintain their happiness.

BE A HuMAn BEInGPopular culture doesn’t want your children to be human beings. instead, it wants to create “human consumings” whose primary purpose in life is to spend and acquire. human consumings buy, buy, and buy in the mistaken belief that it will bring them happiness. You can observe ravenous young human consumings every day in the malls, buying clothes and shoes “they absolutely must have!”

happy children are human beings, not human consumings. Being involves children finding happiness not in things, but in experiences, relationships, and activities that offer meaning, satisfaction, and joy. The ability to just be grounds happy children in who they are rather than what they own, and gives them control over what brings them happiness.


RELATIOnSHIPSone of the most robust findings in the research on happiness is that people who have strong relationships tend to be the happiest people. The opportunity to give and receive love, friendship, and support from family, friends, schoolmates, and others is essential to happiness. Positive feedback from others—love, respect, encouragement—is the most readily available source of happiness. social relationships may also reduce stress, increase feelings of security, and generate other positive emotions, all of which are conducive to happiness.

Popular culture doesn’t want your children to have healthy relationships. it preys on isolated and lonely children who are desperate for any kind of connection with others. Children who have good relationships have less of a need for attention, stimulation, and acceptance. They’re less vulnerable to appeals from popular culture that may make them feel important or popular.

GIVInG TO OTHERSwe often look for happiness in the wrong places. we’re preoccupied with looking inside ourselves to find happiness with psychotherapy, meditation, and self-help books to uncover our internal obstacles to happiness. or people look for happiness outside of themselves in the form of consumerism, drug and alcohol use, and other forms of gratification. But happiness can’t be found down either of those roads.

Your children will ultimately find happiness outside of themselves, by giving of themselves to others. There is something profoundly nourishing about putting others’ needs ahead of our own and helping others find happiness. Giving to others somehow touches us in a very deep way and provides a feeling of meaning, satisfaction, and joy that can’t be found elsewhere. in putting their own needs aside to help others, children’s own deepest needs are met.

Jim Taylor, Ph.D., Psychology, has work with young people, parents, and educators for more than 27 years. Jim is the author of 14 books, four of which are parenting books.

Jim has appeared on NBC’s Today show, Fox News Channel, aBC’s world News This weekend, and the major television network affiliates around the country.

he has participated in many radio shows. dr. Taylor has been an expert source for articles that have appeared in The london Telegraph, The los angeles Times,

The New York daily News, The Chicago Tribune, The atlanta Journal-Constitution, outside, Men’s health, and many other newspapers and magazines.

Jim lives north of san Francisco with his wife, sarah, and his daughters, Catie and Gracie. To learn more, visit www.drjimtaylor.com.


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i never learned to draw. But i could color—as long as i had the lines to color in. i never thought i could make anything look right if i didn’t have the lines. i still don’t draw, but i

have learned to go outside the lines. it’s risky at first.

Many parents i know fear the territory outside the accepted lines of parenting. Those lines were set up by generations past and are now enforced by family and friends, who still feel defined by them. But those lines often don’t fit the needs of individual children and often provoke resistance. so i am offering a resolution for the new year: Trust yourself to do what you think is right, don’t be pressured by others, dare to go outside the lines.

why is it so hard to be real? To be ourselves, to trust ourselves, forget about the lines? i believe it’s because most of us were taught as children to only listen to others and were never valued for our own opinions and desires. in so doing, we were unintentionally taught not to trust ourselves. The voices of others are always in our head telling us what to do. we are frustrated, worried, and anxious, because we didn’t learn how to be an authority figure so we default to control—whether it makes sense for our children or not. The tension we exert when we don’t really know what to do and end up faking it causes difficulties, and our children can smell our confusion and fear a mile away. so, give yourself a break, color outside the lines, allow yourself to be real. You know what it feels like. it happens more often than you think. it’s those times when you feel good with your child, when you feel connected, when it just flows. No one is telling you what to do. That kind of connection doesn’t happen when you think you have to do or say something that someone else has told you to do or say.

declare that this year is going to be different. Rather than imposing too many lines on your children, follow three general rules: Respect others, respect yourself, and take responsibility for your actions. anything within those, work out together with your children. and remember to follow them yourself. This year allow yourself to be real. what does that mean? let me offer a few pointers:

•don’t think you have to have the answer. we spend far too much time directing our kids—telling them what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. allow them to figure things out. state what isn’t working and ask what can be done instead. Your relationship will improve by NoT having the answer. •Be honest—with yourself and your children.

by Bonnie Harris

For the New Year: Trust yourself to

color outside the lines

•ask your child what he might do if he were you. Put your child in an imaginary position of authority without handing over the final decision. You’ll be amazed at how he can rise to the occasion. and you might learn something.

•Go with your gut as much as your head. we need to balance what we know with how we feel. when you do something that doesn’t feel right, it’s probably not right.

•don’t hide your feelings by blaming them on your children. “i am so angry about…” rather than “You make me so mad.” “i’m really worried about….” “i’m concerned that….” don’t pretend you don’t feel afraid or doubtful about something. say it.

•don’t punish your child, use time-out, take away privileges if it doesn’t feel right to you or if it only adds to anger and animosity. ask yourself, “how did i feel when that happened to me?”

•say “no” when you mean “no”. Too many parents today are afraid to curtail their children’s behavior out of fear of meltdown or unhappiness. when their behavior interferes with your rights or the rights of others, “no” is a very important word.

•Parent in the positive—even with a “no”. Tell your child what to do instead of what not to do. This may mean taking some time before you respond to get clear about what it is you do want.

•Take all the time you need. You don’t have to immediately react to a difficult, even dangerous, situation. stop whatever needs to stop and then take the time you need to decide how to handle it. You will be more effective when your emotions have calmed.

•allow your vulnerability to show. we think we have to be right, to play the role of parent and say and do what we think we should. But when we’re wearing someone else’s costume, our kids see right through it.

•Trust your children to think and be creative.

instead of trying to follow the old lines when you’re not sure what to do —something that feels arbitrary or not quite right—ask yourself, “does this work for me and my child?” That’s what matters. Put those other voices aside for the moment. and be sure to encourage your children to color outside the lines.

Bonnie Harris, MS Ed, director of Connective Parenting, has been a child behavior and parenting specialist for twenty-five years. Based on her highly acclaimed books, When your Kids Push your Buttons and Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids: 8 Principles for

Raising Kids you’ll Love to Live, Bonnie counsels parents via phone and skype, teaches parenting workshops, leads professional trainings and speaks internationally. The mother of two grown children, she lives in New hampshire where she founded The Parent Guid-

ance Center. To learn more, visit her website at www.bonnieharris.com.


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if you ask parents to list the most frustrating discipline problems during early childhood, you would find that these three items appear

on every list. They are so common that i call them The Big Three. all children master their own version of these behaviors – every parent has to deal with them!

COnTROLLInG THEIR EMOTIOnSMost often these behaviors are caused by a child’s inability to express or control his emotions. Tiredness, hunger, boredom, frustration and other causes that ignite The Big Three can frequently be avoided or modified. when your child begins a meltdown, try to determine if you can tell what underlying issue is causing the problem. solve that problem and you’ll likely have your sweet child back again.

HAnDLInG TAnTRuMS, FuSSInG AnD WHInInGNo matter how diligent you are in recognizing trigger causes, your child will still have meltdown moments. or even meltdown days. The following tips can help you handle those inevitable bumps in the road. Be flexible and practice those solutions that seem to bring the best results.

OFFER CHOICESYou may be able to avoid problems by giving your child more of a say in his life. You can do this by offering choices. instead of saying, “Get ready for bed right now,” which may provoke a tantrum, offer a choice, “what would you like to do first, put on your pajamas or brush your teeth?” Children who are busy deciding things are often happy.

GET EyE-TO-EyEwhen you make a request from a distance your child will likely ignore you. Noncompliance creates stress, which leads to fussing and tantrums – from both of you. instead, get down to your child’s level, look him in the eye and make clear, concise requests. This will catch his full attention.

TELL HIM WHAT yOu DO WAnTinstead of focusing on misbehavior and what you don’t want him to do, explain exactly what you’d like your child to do or say instead. Give him simple instructions to follow.

VALIDATE HIS FEELInGShelp your child identify and understand her emotions. Give words to her feelings, “You’re sad. You want to stay here and play. i know.” This doesn’t mean you

by Elizabeth Pantley

Tantrums, Fussing and Whining from the

No-Cry Discipline Solution


must give in to her request, but letting her know that you understand her problem may be enough to help her calm down.

TEACH THE QuIET Bunnywhen children get worked up, their physiological symptoms keep them in an agitated state. You can teach your child how to relax and then use this approach when fussing begins.

You can start each morning or end each day with a brief relaxation session. have your child sit or lie comfortably with eyes closed. Tell a story that he’s a quiet bunny. Name body parts (feet, legs, tummy, etc.) and have your child wiggle it, and then relax it.

once your child is familiar with this process you can call upon it at times when he is agitated. Crouch down to your child’s level, put your hands on his shoulders, look him in the eye and say, let’s do our Quiet Bunny. and then talk him through the process. over time, just mentioning it and asking him to close his eyes will bring relaxation.

DISTRACT AnD InVOLVEChildren can easily be distracted when a new activity is suggested. if your child is whining or fussing try viewing it as an “activity” that your child is engaged in. since children aren’t very good multi-taskers you might be able to end the unpleasant activity with the recommendation of something different to do.

InVOKE HIS IMAGInATIOnif a child is upset about something, it can help to vocalize his fantasy of what he wishes would happen: “i bet you wish we could buy every single toy in this store.” This can become a fun game. uSE THE PREVEnTIVE APPROACHReview desired behavior prior to leaving the house, or when entering a public building, or before you begin a playdate. This might prevent the whining or tantrum from even beginning. Put your comments in the positive (tell what you want, not what you don’t want) and be specific.

WHEn IT’S OVER, IT’S OVERafter an episode of misbehavior is finished you can let it go and move on. don’t feel you must teach a lesson by withholding your approval, love or company. Children bounce right back, and it is okay for you to bounce right back, too.

Elizabeth Pantley is mother of four and the author of the now-classic baby sleep book, The No-Cry Sleep Solution, as well as The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution,

The No-Cry Potty Training Solution and The No-Cry Discipline Solution along with seven other successful parenting books. Visit her at pantley.com


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January 2013 Issue

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