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James Norris james@jamesnorris.org www.jamesnorris.org #meetsgpeeps Slide 2 Because youre smart. And statistically you have less sex than average. Each additional point of IQ increased the odds of virginity by 2.7% for males and 1.7% for females. Slide 3 You (hopefully) also realize there is a lot more to life than sex. Good relationships matter. So either sex or love or both brought you here Slide 4 Practice! Exercise: start practicing now. Pick up your neighbor, male or female. Use your context to open. Spend 30 seconds per person and then stop talking. Slide 5 JAMES NORRIS Just a nerd that learned how to be appropriately nerdy =) NERD+ Slide 6 Because I empathize. Its damn hard to be a guy in SG lah. You have to study non-stop until youre 22+ so you dont have much time to learn how to meet women NS effectively makes you boring for two years No car (of your own) Walking a girl/guy past grandma and grandpa on the couch in your tiny HDB with paper-thin walls is not fun (maybe the SDN folks should be talking with the HDB folks?) On that note, no windows to climb through at 3amunless you can scale 7 stories Slide 7 1. Big picture 2. Daytime connection 3. Online connection No time for Creating rapport -> escalation -> dating - > sex -> how to pop the HDB question / engagement -> marriage Slide 8 Number one thing: be awesome / amazing / remarkable / incredible / fantastic / unique / great / wonderful / one-of-a-kind / compelling / salient / unforgettable Believe you are the prize and simultaneously build your mate value Slide 9 So lets take a look at the elephant in the room. Boy is itheavy. Yes, physical attractiveness matters. But it is only one facet of mate value. Yes, you can become more physically attractive. You already know how. So get on it! Or you wont be getting on anyone. Statistically, youll likely end up with someone of relatively similar attractiveness. But there are exceptions Slide 10 Padma Lakshmi (Top Chef host) & Salman Rushdie (famous author) Slide 11 Slide 12 Goal is to build an authentic connection, elicit a touch of attraction, and then secure contact information Natural Context-dependent Slide 13 Everywhere! Singapore is the second most densely packed country in the world + a ton of people use mass transit = accessibility is not an issue If all else fails: visit NLB late on Friday night =) Slide 14 Proximity is everything: subtly position yourself to open (e.g., stand next to her/him) Approach within three seconds to minimize freeze (goal is to automatically be opening all the time) Usually good idea to warm up first by meeting anybody and everybody before you approach that girl/guy that youre really, really into Slide 15 INDIRECTDIRECT Context-driven + invented on the fly What did you think about that ___? Nice ___ Do you know where ___ is? So why are you here at ___? Hi, my name is ___ Hey youre really cute so I just had to come over and say hi Aww youre adorable. You remind me of _____. Slide 16 Bright green/blue shoes Brightly coloured shirt Funny t-shirt Fancy watch Crazy hair Tattoo (could be temporary) Decorated/blinged out laptop/phone Being exceptionally well-dressed Being foreigner/expat Slide 17 All this is from a gorgeous Singaporean girl Its all in your minda matter of framing View it as a game (can resurrect in game when you die, right?) Don't think too much/dont intellectualize Ladder theory Cuddle friend risk Stop fearing rejection (you are hereby challenged to fail and fail a lotthats how you will win) Rejection is actually a good thing--it means you wont be wasting your time with someone who lacks the vision to see how amazing you are Don't be a pansy Bookstores, talks, workshops, volunteer events, etc. are overlooked Always be on the lookout Always be ready (e.g., dress the part, have breath mints, etc.) Don't be a moron Have your (interesting) story ready to gopractice your 10, 30, 60 second elevator pitches Stretch yourself/your boundaries Slide 18 eHarmony = insane marriage hunters Match = frustrated suckers OkCupid = smart(er) deviants Plenty of Fish = your trailer or mine? Craigslist = your alley or mine? Slide 19 Nerd haven Free Extremely exciting matching algorithm (will change the world) http://www.okcupid.com http://www.okcupid.com http://blog.okcupid.com for lovely data http://blog.okcupid.com Slide 20 Short Casual Funny Unique Slide 21 Slide 22 Slide 23 Slide 24 Meet adriansg Lets find him someone Psstyou will get ignored a lot (its okay) Recipients answered only 30% of men's messages to women and 45% of women's messages to men. The percentage that lead to conversations is even lower (around 20% and 30% respectively). Slide 25 This is also from a gorgeous Singaporean girl 1) Hooks -- 3 keys to messaging on okc memory: girls usually forget who you are, particularly if you're instant messaging them. The point is to make your name stick in their memory somehow, or if you have a forgettable name like, say, 'james', try sharing something about yourself that stands out. Went spelunking last summer and fell headfirst into bat dung? Wow, I'd remember you even if you're okc guy #259 that's messaged me today. relationship: remember that the word 'relationship' has the word 'relate' as part of it's etymology. How do you relate to someone? It helps if you have some common interests -- okc is the perfect shortcut. You get to check out what she likes before you even start talking to her. Share the same taste in music? She might like a new song you just downloaded (legally...). And you get to show how passionate you are about your interests at the same time. Warning: don't try to prove that you're her clone. Not cool. The trick is to show that you're similar, but you've got personality. interest: how do you keep her interested in your conversation? This applies to both IM and messages on okc. I think most guys might have come across girls who just 'die' midway through your communique, seemingly falling off the face of the earth. You've dropped the ball. How do you avoid this? #1: Do not offer to meet up for sex in the first message you send to her unless she is desperate (ie only on okc for the sex) AND you are hot stuff (ie you're buff, good-looking, and young or remarkably well- preserved + all these are evident on your profile pic). If both of these conditions are not satisfied together, you are unlikely to get a response to 'hi girl u r so hawt lets meet up to ****' #2: Use proper English. Recent studies have shown that for every 16- point increase in a man's IQ, his attractiveness goes up 30% -- it's the reverse for women. Ergo, women want to marry up in terms of intelligence, and this applies to dating: they don't want to talk to guys who tAlK LiEk dIS, even if they do so themselves. Odd, isn't it? #3: Show some personality. Contrary to popular belief, chicks are *bored* by guys that have loads of time to shower on them, ie 24/7. Neither do they all want men who have a specific personality type, like *doormat*. Be respectful, but you don't have to hurry to prove that you're her twin brother she never knew about. You have your own interests, so talk about them in moderate detail -- it helps to pretend that you're a busy man who doesn't spend half your life on okc, even if that actually is the case. Chicks dig men with ambition, too. #4: Know things. I don't care what, just *something*, even if it's about how you beat the Zorg in Starcraft 2. So you're in NS now (and I get this a lot), but that is really no excuse to let your brain rot. So what if you're stuck in camp 5 days a week? Does that really give you the excuse to not know what's going on in the world? Or to not have a favourite restaurant? Yawn, you can have a 100 hour work week and still be interesting, FYI. #5: If she stops replying, don't bother messaging again. And again. And again. And again. Ad infinitum. Ad nauseam. There's a reason why she's stopped talking to you. She's not going to bother replying your 'wai u stop toking to me, I very sad ):' so don't even send that to her. You've messed up, so re-evaluate where you went wrong and try again. I suspect many guys have the tendency to assume that there is something wrong with them when many girls just don't reply them. The truth is that the problem is often with their messaging technique, rendering it not entirely unsalvageable. Take a look at where you went wrong, and try with a different girl. There are plenty of fish on okc. If you *must*, only message the same girl after a long period of waiting, say at least a week. And try something different. Surprise her. A 'hi' wouldn't work, but a sparkling comment on her new profile pic might do the trick, eg 'hey I recognize that beach, it looks like Bali -- guess you had a nice vacation! There's this seafood place that you have to check out the next time you go there'. Bear in mind that the response rate would probably drop by a lot, so she might not reply if her impression of you is fixed. It helps if you message after she's cleared her inbox, which is why the longer you wait, the better, so she can't remember what annoying, lame, ball-less, etc etc essentially uninspiring comment you made the last time. Slide 26 Im involved. I'm just looking for new friends right now. I'm not dating right now. [At all.] Just not interested. I'm not dating right now. [At all.] Just too busy. Im not dating right now. [At all.] My dad/mom would kill me. I'm not ready to date right now. My situation is complicated and probably will be for a while. You're sweet but I know we're not all that compatible. Slide 27 Pick us up! Practice meeting people today (tweet to #meetsgpeeps every time you do one approach) Make it a daily habit to meet at least one new person (in person or online) Download talk from: www.jamesnorris.org www.jamesnorris.org Email for help: james@jamesnorris.orgjames@jamesnorris.org