JAMAICA TEACHER’S ASSOCIATION HELEN STILLS FROFESSIONAL DEVELOPMENT CONFERENCE, 2013THE JAMAICA GRAND HOTEL9th May 2013BY: Dr. Jennifer Mamby Alexander ....Part 2

3 MONTHS

• You are not as free and easy as you were at the beginning and now you are starting to act like you are in a relationship that might, heaven-forbid – be SERIOUS.

• He is now freaked because he is being confronted with what you feel and what he should feel.

3 MONTHS

His decision is:• Does he keep going and take some more of

your time?• Does he get more deeply involved himself

where he will have to DO something OFFICIAL, like shack-up with you or marry you?

3 MONTHS

• Does he start programming when he is single and when you are a couple?

• Does he then put limits on what parts of his life he will allow you to be involved in?

• Does he put one foot in the relationship and the other on the gas pedal?

WHAT MAKES HIM WANT MORE WITH YOU?

Part of it is who HE IS.• Is he mature enough?• Does he want to make that kind of

commitment to any woman at this time?• Is he capable of having a life long relationship

at all?• Is he married?

WHAT MAKES HIM WANT MORE WITH YOU?

PART OF IT IS who YOU ARE.• Are you the right match for him?• Can he ever imagine being without you and so

feels inspired to commit to you forever?• Is he just enjoying your company and body for

now?

3 MONTHS

• What happens at 3 months is that a man gets scared and backs off a little. At this point you are considering a life long commitment and it is not a quick and easy thing for him.

• He begins to remember his past wife or girlfriend whose relationship started off just like this one did but ended in disaster.

3 MONTHS

• During this time as he withdraws you react and panic. Many women become needy at this time which pushes men further away.

• This neediness is you becoming putty in his hands, being too available and giving him anything you think he wants and needs that will keep him attracted to you. If you promise him sex you will certainly get his attention FOR A WHILE.

SOMETHING WOMEN SHOULD NEVER FORGET

• Just because a man has sex with you doesn't mean that he's spent even a second of his time deciding whether or not he wants to be with you or have a relationship with you in the future.

• A man is not going to ever "see your worth" just because you've slept with him.

TRUTH

For A Man, Physical Intimacy Does Not Equal Relationship or Commitment

DO NOT MAKE IT TOO EASY FOR A MAN

• Trying to make it easier on a man is the first way to LOSE your MYSTERY.

• A man will stay longer if you DON’T make things so easy for him.

• Be nice and thoughtful, but know when you have crossed the line from being “nice” to being a “borderline doormat”.

WHAT DO YOU DO?

• Know yourself and what you are after.• Define your relationship standards and stick to

them• Define your absolute needs to yourself and

then to him.• Those first 3 months when a man is on his

best behaviour DO NOT COUNT because during that time the relationship was easy.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW• When the relationship becomes difficult and he is

taken out of his comfort zone you will begin to know him and see him for what he is worth for the first time.

Remember what Dr. Martin Luther King said…

• Most men value “degrees of difficulty” and will always work hard to get the woman they think is worthy and ‘HARD TO GET’

SO

GUARD YOUR EMOTIONAL ENERGY

• It’s one thing to think about a situation with someone you want.

• It is another thing to take action.• It’s when situations are not going your way

that they get the most of your thoughts.• Thinking about it and hurting about it will

happen. But you do not have to do anything about it.

GUARD YOUR EMOTIONAL ENERGY

• When you do something and take action about a love situation that is not going your way, then you have added MUCH MORE to the mix.

• In addition to pain and frustration you have changed your emotional state because you have gone an extra step from thinking into taking action.

GUARD YOUR EMOTIONAL ENERGY

• You begin to wonder what you did or did not do that changed his reaction to you and made him pull away.

• You try to imagine what he is thinking, or not thinking and you spend hours a day wondering and thinking about him.

• You constantly check your email and phone for messages.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW• When your man pulls away, he has now created a

higher degree of difficulty for you to have him, and you panic and ELEVATE his status in your eyes by chasing him, calling him, tracking him down, sending him notes hoping to remind him how wonderful you are, and waiting to see if there is a response from him.

• That DOWNGRADES you in your heart while he pulls further away.

AN IMPORTANT QUESTION TO YOU

• QUESTION: Who made this man the final judge of your worth as a woman?

• ANSWER: You did, because you were seeking his LOVE and APPROVAL for an open long-termed relationship with him.

• POWERLESS is a choice• POWERFUL is also a choice

WHAT YOU NEED TO DO

REVERSE THAT AND TAKE BACK YOUR SENSE OF WORTH

• If your man does not call, if he doesn’t step up to the plate, if he doesn’t do what he is supposed to do…

• RAISE YOUR DEGREE OF DIFFICULTY• RAISE YOUR STATUS IN YOUR OWN EYES• DOWNGRADE HIM

Masculine & feminine energy are different

• Feminine Energy grows with connection and love and with “surrender” to all kinds of joyful experiences

• Masculine Energy seeks Challenges and a feeling of “emptiness” and “ Freedom”

HERE IS THE REAL DEAL

• We are women. We are amazing creatures – and almost all men feel that way.

• We are the highest degree of difficulty, triple-flip off the diving board.

• We are the prize, the light at the end of a man’s tunnel

• We are what he wants.

MORE OF THE PAINFUL REAL DEAL

• If he doesn’t CONTINUE, after 3 months have passed – to look at you as the prize, the light and the gold medal, then he doesn’t deserve your thoughts, your feelings, your energy or your loyalty.

GIVE YOUR HEART A MUCH NEEDED REST

GO HAVE A SHOWER, WASH YOUR HAIR, DRESS-UP, PUT ON YOUR LIPSTICK AND

MAKE-UP AND GO TO THE MOVIES WITH YOUR GIRLFRIENDS.

GIVE YOUR HEART A MUCH NEEDED REST Amen!!!!!

RELATIONSHIP BILL OF RIGHTS #1

1

You have the right to Be Judged and treated according to your own words

and actions, not on the words and actions of the other women or men, your partner may have dated in the

past.

RELATIONSHIP RIGHT #2

You have the right To Be Told The Absolute Truth

about The Important Things

RELATIONSHIP RIGHT #3

You have the right to have a Partner who is Publicly in Your Corner and takes

your side in a Fight, even If he thinks you're Totally Wrong.

RELATIONSHIP RIGHT #4

You have the right To Forgiveness and

To be Accepted for the flawed Human Being You Are.

RELATIONSHIP RIGHT #5

You have the right to a Partner who Encourages you to be the Best You Can

be,Who accepts that you'll evolve

over the years and who doesn't try to change who you are.

RELATIONSHIP RIGHT #6

You have the right To Regular, Eager,

Non-judgemental and

Enthusiastic Sex.

RELATIONSHIP RIGHT #7

You have the right To Independence, Friendship And Privacy

RELATIONSHIP RIGHT #8

You have the right to be one of your partner's Top 3 Priorities at any given

time.

RELATIONSHIP RIGHT #9

You have the right To a Partner who sticks by you on

The Bad Days, Months and Years andHelps you get back to the Good

RELATIONSHIP RIGHT #10

You have The Right to be with someone Who Loves You, Cherishes You and

Adores You.

RELATIONSHIP RIGHT #11

You Have The Right to Accept The Best for Yourself.

RELATIONSHIP RIGHT #12

You Have The Right To Leave

ABOUT LOVE

Dear HumansYou’ve got it all wrong. You didn’t come here to master unconditional

love. That is where you came from and where you’ll return.

You came here to learn personal earthly love. Universal love. Messy love. Sweaty love. Crazy love. Broken Love.

ABOUT LOVE

Whole love infused with divinity, lived through the grace of stumbling. Demonstrated through the beauty of … messing up; often.

You didn’t come here to be perfect. You already are.

You came here to be gorgeously human, flawed and fabulous and then to rise again into remembering. But unconditional love. Stop telling that story.

ABOUT LOVE

• Love, in truth, doesn’t need ANY other adjectives. It doesn’t require modifiers. It doesn’t require the condition of perfection. It only asks that you show up and do your best. That you stay present and feel fully. That you shine and fly and laugh and cry and hurt and heal and fall and get back up and play and work and live and die as YOU.

• It’s enough. It’s plenty.

PEARLS OF LIFE

1. You are a product of the past BUT not a prisoner of the past

2. If you live by the approval of others you will die by their rejection

3. Do not be driven by people-pleasing which says “I must be liked by you to be happy”

4. Live for an audience of ONE, yourself.

PEARLS OF LIFE

5. Only you have the power to change the direction of your life.

6. You only find the true meaning of your life when you give yourself away.

7. Find how to best give yourself away as a teacher, foster parent etc.

8. Determine where you are now and how to get to where you should be

PEARLS OF LIFE

You can choose to live your life in 3 ways:

A life of SURVIVAL when you are just putting in your time, just getting-by like dead men walking.

PEARLS OF LIFE

A life of SUCCESS when you live a comfortable life of having a job and the house, car and 2 dogs. This is not good enough. We are made for more than the good life.

PEARLS OF LIFE

A Life of SIGNIFICANCE when you know your life matters and you fulfill your purpose.

.

PEARLS OF LIFE

• You cannot change some things about yourself like where you were born and who your parents are BUT the privilege of a lifetime is being who you and learning to maximize the hand you are dealt.

• If you enjoy your job, you will never work a day in your life.

HAPPINESS COMES AND GOES BUT HAVING A MEANINGFUL LIFE IS

DYNAMICOnly you have the power to change the

direction of your life from a life of SURVIVAL to a life of SIGNIFICANCE

• Thank you for listening.