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IVANOFF

APLAY

ByAntonChekhov

Contents

CHARACTERS

IVANOFF

ACTI

ACTII

ACTIII

ACTIV

CHARACTERS

NICHOLASIVANOFF,perpetualmemberoftheCouncilofPeasantAffairs

ANNA,hiswife.NeeSarahAbramson

MATTHEWSHABELSKI,acount,uncleofIvanoff

PAULLEBEDIEFF,PresidentoftheBoardoftheZemstvo

ZINAIDA,hiswife

SASHA,theirdaughter,twentyyearsold

LVOFF,ayounggovernmentdoctor

MARTHA BABAKINA, a young widow, owner of an estate and daughter of a richmerchant

KOSICH,anexciseman

MICHAELBORKIN,adistantrelativeofIvanoff,andmanagerofhisestate

AVDOTIANAZAROVNA,anoldwoman

GEORGE,liveswiththeLebedieffs

FIRSTGUESTSECONDGUESTTHIRDGUESTFOURTHGUEST

PETER,aservantofIvanoff

GABRIEL,aservantofLebedieff

GUESTSOFBOTHSEXES

TheplaytakesplaceinoneoftheprovincesofcentralRussia

IVANOFF

ACTI

Thegardenof IVANOFF’Scountryplace.On the left is a terraceand the facadeof thehouse.Onewindowisopen.Belowtheterraceisabroadsemicircularlawn,fromwhichpaths lead to right and left into a garden.On the right are several garden benches andtables.Alampisburningononeofthetables.Itisevening.Asthecurtainrisessoundsofthepianoandvioloncelloareheard.

IVANOFFissittingatatablereading.

BORKIN,intop-bootsandcarryingagun,comesinfromtherearofthegarden.Heisalittle tipsy.As he sees IVANOFF he comes toward him on tiptoe, andwhen he comesoppositehimhestopsandpointsthegunathisface.

IVANOFF.[CatchessightofBORKIN.Shuddersandjumpstohisfeet]Misha!Whatareyoudoing?Youfrightenedme!Ican’tstandyourstupidjokeswhenIamsonervousasthis.Andhavingfrightenedme,youlaugh![Hesitsdown.]

BORKIN.[Laughingloudly]There,Iamsorry,really.Iwon’tdoitagain.IndeedIwon’t.[Takeoffhiscap]Howhotitis!Justthink,mydearboy,Ihavecoveredtwelvemilesinthelastthreehours.Iamwornout.Justfeelhowmyheartisbeating.

IVANOFF.[Goesonreading]Oh,verywell.Ishallfeelitlater!

BORKIN.No,feelitnow.[HetakesIVANOFF’Shandandpressesitagainsthisbreast]Canyoufeelitthumping?ThatmeansthatitisweakandthatImaydiesuddenlyatanymoment.WouldyoubesorryifIdied?

IVANOFF.Iamreadingnow.Ishallattendtoyoulater.

BORKIN.No,seriously,wouldyoubesorryifIdied?Nicholas,wouldyoubesorryifIdied?

IVANOFF.Leavemealone!

BORKIN.Come,tellmeifyouwouldbesorryornot.

IVANOFF.Iamsorrythatyousmellsoofvodka,Misha,itisdisgusting.

BORKIN.DoIsmellofvodka?Howstrange!Andyet,itisnotsostrangeafterall.Imetthemagistrateontheroad,andImustadmitthatwediddrinkabouteightglassestogether.Strictlyspeaking,ofcourse,drinkingisveryharmful.Listen,itisharmful,isn’tit?Isit?Isit?

IVANOFF.Thisisunendurable!Letmewarnyou,Misha,thatyouaregoingtoofar.

BORKIN.Well,well,excuseme.Sitherebyyourselfthen,forheaven’ssake,ifitamusesyou. [Getsupandgoesaway]Whatextraordinarypeopleonemeets in theworld.Theywon’tevenallowthemselvestobespokento.[Hecomesback]Oh,yes,Inearlyforgot.Pleaseletmehaveeighty-tworoubles.

IVANOFF.Whydoyouwanteighty-tworoubles?

BORKIN.Topaytheworkmento-morrow.

IVANOFF.Ihaven’tthemoney.

BORKIN.Manythanks.[Angrily]Soyouhaven’tthemoney!Andyettheworkmenmustbepaid,mustn’tthey?

IVANOFF.Idon’tknow.Waittillmysalarycomesinonthefirstofthemonth.

BORKIN. How is it possible to discuss anything with a man like you? Can’t youunderstand that theworkmenarecoming to-morrowmorningandnoton the firstof themonth?

IVANOFF.HowcanIhelpit?I’llbehangedifIcandoanythingaboutitnow.AndwhatdoyoumeanbythisirritatingwayyouhaveofpesteringmewheneverIamtryingtoreadorwriteor——

BORKIN.Musttheworkmenbepaidornot,Iaskyou?But,goodgracious!Whatistheuseoftalkingtoyou![Waveshishand]Doyouthinkbecauseyouownanestateyoucancommand thewholeworld?Withyour two thousandacresandyouremptypocketsyouarelikeamanwhohasacellarfullofwineandnocorkscrew.Ihavesoldtheoatsastheystandinthefield.Yes,sir!Andto-morrowIshallselltheryeandthecarriagehorses.[Hestamps up and down] Do you think I am going to stand upon ceremony with you?Certainlynot!Iamnotthatkindofaman!

ANNAappearsattheopenwindow.

ANNA.WhosevoicedidIhearjustnow?Wasityours,Misha?Whyareyoustampingupanddown?

BORKIN. Anybody who had anything to do with your Nicholas would stamp up anddown.

ANNA.Listen,Misha!Pleasehavesomehaycarriedontothecroquetlawn.

BORKIN.[Waveshishand]Leavemealone,please!

ANNA.Oh,whatmanners!Theyarenotbecomingtoyouatall.Ifyouwanttobelikedbywomen you must never let them see you when you are angry or obstinate. [To herhusband]Nicholas,letusgoandplayonthelawninthehay!

IVANOFF.Don’tyouknowitisbadforyoutostandattheopenwindow,Annie?[Calls]Shutthewindow,Uncle!

[Thewindowisshutfromtheinside.]

BORKIN.Don’tforgetthattheinterestonthemoneyyouoweLebedieffmustbepaidintwodays.

IVANOFF.Ihaven’tforgottenit.IamgoingovertoseeLebediefftodayandshallaskhimtowait.

[Helooksathiswatch.]

BORKIN.Whenareyougoing?

IVANOFF.Atonce.

BORKIN.Wait!Wait!Isn’t thisSasha’sbirthday?Soit is!Theideaofmyforgettingit.WhatamemoryIhave.[Jumpsabout]Ishallgowithyou![Sings]Ishallgo,Ishallgo!Nicholas,oldman,youarethejoyofmylife.Ifyouwerenotalwayssonervousandcrossandgloomy,youandIcoulddogreatthingstogether.Iwoulddoanythingforyou.ShallImarryMarthaBabakinaandgiveyouhalfherfortune?Thatis,nothalf,either,butall—takeitall!

IVANOFF.Enoughofthisnonsense!

BORKIN.No, seriously, shan’t ImarryMarthaandhalve themoneywithyou?Butno,why should I propose it? How can you understand? [Angrily] You say to me: “Stoptalkingnonsense!”Youareagoodmanandacleverone,butyouhaven’tanyredbloodinyourveinsorany—well,enthusiasm.Why,ifyouwantedto,youandIcouldcutadashtogether that would shame the devil himself. If you were a normal man instead of amorbidhypochondriacwewouldhaveamillioninayear.For instance, ifIhadtwenty-threehundredroublesnowIcouldmaketwentythousandintwoweeks.Youdon’tbelieveme?You think it is all nonsense?No, it isn’t nonsense.Giveme twenty-three hundredroublesandletmetry.Ofsianoffissellingastripoflandacrosstheriverforthatprice.Ifwebuythis,bothbankswillbeours,andweshallhavetherighttobuildadamacrosstheriver.Isn’tthatso?Wecansaythatweintendtobuildamill,andwhenthepeopleontheriverbelowushearthatwemeantodamtherivertheywill,ofcourse,objectviolentlyandweshallsay:Ifyoudon’twantadamhereyouwillhavetopaytogetusaway.Doyouseetheresult?Thefactorywouldgiveusfivethousandroubles,Korolkoffthreethousand,themonasteryfivethousandmore—

IVANOFF.Allthatissimplyidiotic,Misha.Ifyoudon’twantmetolosemytemperyoumustkeepyourschemestoyourself.

BORKIN.[Sitsdownatthetable]Ofcourse!Iknewhowitwouldbe!Youneverwillactforyourself,andyoutiemyhandssothatIamhelpless.

EnterSHABELSKIandLVOFF.

SHABELSKI.Theonlydifferencebetweenlawyersanddoctorsisthatlawyerssimplyrobyou,whereasdoctorsbothrobyouandkillyou.Iamnotreferringtoanyonepresent.[Sitsdownonthebench]Theyareallfraudsandswindlers.PerhapsinArcadiayoumightfindanexceptiontothegeneralruleandyet—Ihavetreatedthousandsofsickpeoplemyselfinmy life, and I havenevermet a doctorwhodidnot seem tome to be anunmistakablescoundrel.

BORKIN.[ToIVANOFF]Yes,youtiemyhandsandneverdoanythingforyourself,andthatiswhyyouhavenomoney.

SHABELSKI.AsIsaidbefore,Iamnotreferringtoanyonehereatpresent;theremaybeexceptionsthough,afterall—[Heyawns.]

IVANOFF.[Shutshisbook]Whathaveyoutotellme,doctor?

LVOFF.[Lookstowardthewindow]ExactlywhatIsaidthismorning:shemustgototheCrimeaatonce.[Walksupanddown.]

SHABELSKI. [Bursts out laughing] To the Crimea! Why don’t you and I set up as

doctors,Misha?Then, if someMadameAngotorOphelia finds theworld tiresomeandbegins to cough and be consumptive, all we shall have to do will be to write out aprescriptionaccording to the lawsofmedicine: that is, first,weshallorderherayoungdoctor,andthenajourneytotheCrimea.TheresomefascinatingyoungTartar——

IVANOFF. [Interrupting]Oh,don’t be coarse! [ToLVOFF] It takesmoney togo to theCrimea,andevenifIcouldaffordit,youknowshehasrefusedtogo.

LVOFF.Yes,shehas.[Apause.]

BORKIN. Look here, doctor, is Anna really so ill that she absolutely must go to theCrimea?

LVOFF.[Lookingtowardthewindow]Yes,shehasconsumption.

BORKIN.Whew!Howsad!Ihaveseeninherfaceforsometimethatshecouldnotlastmuchlonger.

LVOFF.Can’tyouspeakquietly?Shecanheareverythingyousay.[Apause.]

BORKIN.[Sighing]Thelifeofmanislikeaflower,bloomingsogailyinafield.Then,alongcomesagoat,heeatsit,andtheflowerisgone!

SHABELSKI.Oh,nonsense,nonsense.[Yawning]Everythingisafraudandaswindle.[Apause.]

BORKIN.Gentlemen,IhavebeentryingtotellNicholashowhecanmakesomemoney,andhavesubmittedabrilliantplantohim,butmyseed,asusual,hasfallenonbarrensoil.Lookwhatasightheisnow:dull,cross,bored,peevish——

SHABELSKI. [Gets up and stretches himself] You are always inventing schemes foreverybody,youcleverfellow,andtellingthemhowtolive;can’tyoutellmesomething?Givemesomegoodadvice,youingeniousyoungman.Showmeagoodmovetomake.

BORKIN.[Gettingup]Iamgoingtohaveaswim.Goodbye,gentlemen.[ToShabelski]Thereareatleasttwentygoodmovesyoucouldmake.IfIwereyouIshouldhavetwentythousandroublesinaweek.

[Hegoesout;SHABELSKIfollowshim.]

SHABELSKI.Howwouldyoudoit?Come,explain.

BORKIN.Thereisnothingtoexplain,itissosimple.[Comingback]Nicholas,givemearouble.

IVANOFFsilentlyhandshimthemoney

BORKIN.Thanks.Shabelski,youstillholdsometrumpcards.

SHABELSKIfollowshimout.

SHABELSKI.Well,whatarethey?

BORKIN.IfIwereyouIshouldhavethirtythousandroublesandmoreinaweek.[Theygoouttogether.]

IVANOFF. [After a pause]Useless people, useless talk, and the necessity of answering

stupidquestions,haveweariedmeso,doctor,thatIamill.IhavebecomesoirritableandbitterthatIdon’tknowmyself.Myheadachesfordaysatatime.Iheararinginginmyears,Ican’tsleep,andyetthereisnoescapefromitall,absolutelynone.

LVOFF.Ivanoff,Ihavesomethingserioustospeaktoyouabout.

IVANOFF.Whatisit?

LVOFF. It is aboutyourwife.She refuses togo to theCrimeaalone,but shewouldgowithyou.

IVANOFF.[Thoughtfully]Itwouldcostagreatdealforusbothtogo,andbesides,Icouldnotgetleavetobeawayforsolong.Ihavehadoneholidayalreadythisyear.

LVOFF.Verywell, letusadmit that.Nowtoproceed.Thebestcure forconsumption isabsolutepeaceofmind,andyourwifehasnonewhatever.Sheisforeverexcitedbyyourbehaviourtoher.Forgiveme,Iamexcitedandamgoingtospeakfrankly.Yourtreatmentofheriskillingher.[Apause]Ivanoff,letmebelievebetterthingsofyou.

IVANOFF.Whatyousayistrue,true.Imustbeterriblyguilty,butmymindisconfused.Mywillseemstobeparalysedbyakindofstupor;Ican’tunderstandmyselforanyoneelse.[Lookstowardthewindow]Come,letustakeawalk,wemightbeoverheardhere.[Theygetup]Mydear friend,youshouldhear thewhole story from thebeginning if itwerenotsolongandcomplicatedthat totell itwouldtakeallnight.[Theywalkupanddown]Annaisasplendid,anexceptionalwoman.Shehasleftherfaith,herparentsandherfortuneformysake.IfIshoulddemandahundredothersacrifices,shewouldconsenttoeveryonewithoutthequiverofaneyelid.Well,Iamnotaremarkablemaninanyway,andhavesacrificednothing.However,thestoryisalongone.Inshort,thewholepointis,mydeardoctor—[Confused]thatImarriedherforloveandpromisedtoloveherforever,andnowafterfiveyearsshe lovesmestillandI—[Hewaveshishand]Now,whenyoutellmesheisdying,Ifeelneitherlovenorpity,onlyasortoflonelinessandweariness.Toallappearancesthismustseemhorrible,andIcannotunderstandmyselfwhatishappeningtome.[Theygoout.]

SHABELSKIcomesin.

SHABELSKI.[Laughing]Uponmyword,thatmanisnoscoundrel,butagreatthinker,amaster-mind. He deserves a memorial. He is the essence of modern ingenuity, andcombinesinhimselfalonethegeniusofthelawyer,thedoctor,andthefinancier.[Hesitsdownontheloweststepoftheterrace]Andyethehasneverfinishedacourseofstudiesinanycollege; that is sosurprising.Whatan idealscoundrelhewouldhavemade ifhehadacquiredalittlecultureandmasteredthesciences!“Youcouldmaketwentythousandroublesinaweek,”hesaid.“Youstillholdtheaceoftrumps:itisyourtitle.”[Laughing]HesaidImightgeta richgirl tomarrymefor it! [ANNAopens thewindowand looksdown]“LetmemakeamatchbetweenyouandMartha,”sayshe.WhoisthisMartha?ItmustbethatBalabalkina—Babakalkinawoman,theonethatlookslikealaundress.

ANNA.Isthatyou,Count?

SHABELSKI.Whatdoyouwant?

ANNAlaughs.

SHABELSKI.[WithaJewishaccent]Vydoyoulaugh?

ANNA.Iwasthinkingofsomethingyousaidatdinner,doyouremember?Howwasit—aforgiventhief,adoctoredhorse.

SHABELSKI.Aforgiventhief,adoctoredhorse,andaChristianisedJewareallworththesameprice.

ANNA.[Laughing]Youcan’tevenrepeatthesimplestsayingwithoutill-nature.Youareamostmaliciousoldman.[Seriously]Seriously,Countyouareextremelydisagreeable,andvery tiresome and painful to live with. You are always grumbling and growling, andeverybodytoyouisablackguardandascoundrel.Tellmehonestly,Count,haveyoueverspokenwellofanyone?

SHABELSKI.Isthisaninquisition?

ANNA.Wehave livedunder thissameroofnowfor fiveyears,andIhaveneverheardyouspeakkindlyofpeople,orwithoutbitternessandderision.Whatharmhastheworlddonetoyou?Isitpossiblethatyouconsideryourselfbetterthananyoneelse?

SHABELSKI.Notatall.Ithinkweareallofusscoundrelsandhypocrites.Imyselfamadegradedoldman,andasuselessasacast-offshoe.Iabusemyselfasmuchasanyoneelse.Iwasrichonce,andfree,andhappyattimes,butnowIamadependent,anobjectofcharity,ajoketotheworld.WhenIamatlastexasperatedanddefythem,theyanswermewithalaugh.WhenIlaugh,theyshaketheirheadssadlyandsay,“Theoldmanhasgonemad.”ButoftenestofallIamunheardandunnoticedbyeveryone.

ANNA.[Quietly]Screamingagain.

SHABELSKI.Whoisscreaming?

ANNA.Theowl.Itscreamseveryevening.

SHABELSKI.Letitscream.Thingsareasbadastheycanbealready.[Stretcheshimself]Alas,mydearSarah!IfIcouldonlywinathousandortworoubles,Ishouldsoonshowyouwhat I coulddo. Iwishyoucould seeme! I shouldget awayoutof thishole, andleavethebreadofcharity,andshouldnotshowmynosehereagainuntilthelastjudgmentday.

ANNA.Whatwouldyoudoifyouweretowinsomuchmoney?

SHABELSKI. [Thoughtfully]First Iwouldgo toMoscow tohear theGipsiesplay, andthen—thenIshouldflytoParisandtakeanapartmentandgototheRussianChurch.

ANNA.Andwhatelse?

SHABELSKI.Iwouldgoandsitonmywife’sgravefordaysanddaysandthink.IwouldsitthereuntilIdied.MywifeisburiedinParis.[Apause.]

ANNA.Howterriblydullthisis!Shallweplayaduet?

SHABELSKI.Asyoulike.Goandgetthemusicready.[ANNAgoesout.]

IVANOFFandLVOFFappearinoneofthepaths.

IVANOFF.Mydearfriend,youleftcollegelastyear,andyouarestillyoungandbrave.

Being thirty-five years old I have the right to advise you. Don’t marry a Jewess or abluestockingorawomanwhoisqueerinanyway.Choosesomenice,common-placegirlwithout any strange and startling points in her character. Plan your life for quiet; thegreyerandmoremonotonousyoucanmakethebackground,thebetter.Mydearboy,donot try tofightaloneagainst thousands;donot tiltwithwindmills;donotdashyourselfagainst therocks.And,aboveall,mayyoubespared theso-calledrational life,allwildtheoriesandimpassionedtalk.Everythingis inthehandsofGod,soshutyourselfupinyourshellanddoyourbest.Thatisthepleasant,honest,healthywaytolive.ButthelifeIhavechosenhasbeensotiring,oh,sotiring!Sofullofmistakes,ofinjusticeandstupidity![CatchessightofSHABELSKI,andspeaksangrily]Thereyouareagain,Uncle,alwaysunderfoot,neverlettingonehaveamoment’squiettalk!

SHABELSKI. [In a tearfulvoice] Is thereno refugeanywhere for apoorolddevil likeme?[Hejumpsupandrunsintothehouse.]

IVANOFF.Now I have offended him!Yes,my nerves have certainly gone to pieces. Imustdosomethingaboutit,Imust——

LVOFF. [Excitedly] Ivanoff, Ihaveheardallyouhave tosayand—and—Iamgoing tospeakfrankly.Youhaveshownmeinyourvoiceandmanner,aswellasinyourwords,themost heartless egotismandpitiless cruelty.Yournearest friend is dying simplybecauseshe isnearyou,herdaysarenumbered, andyoucan feel such indifference thatyougoaboutgivingadviceandanalysingyourfeelings.IcannotsayallIshouldliketo;Ihavenotthegiftofwords,but—butIcanatleastsaythatyouaredeeplyantipathetictome.

IVANOFF.IsupposeIam.Asanonlooker,ofcourseyouseememoreclearlythanIseemyself,andyourjudgmentofmeisprobablyright.NodoubtIamterriblyguilty.[Listens]IthinkIhearthecarriagecoming.Imustgetreadytogo.[Hegoestowardthehouseandthen stops] You dislike me, doctor, and you don’t conceal it. Your sincerity does youcredit.[Hegoesintothehouse.]

LVOFF. [Alone] What a confoundedly disagreeable character! I have let anotheropportunityslipwithoutspeakingtohimasImeantto,butIsimplycannottalkcalmlytothatman.ThemomentIopenmymouthtospeakIfeelsuchacommotionandsuffocationhere[Heputshishandonhisbreast]thatmytonguestickstotheroofofmymouth.Oh,IloathethatTartuffe,thatunmitigatedrascal,withallmyheart!Thereheis,preparingtogodrivinginspiteoftheentreatiesofhisunfortunatewife,whoadoreshimandwhoseonlyhappinessishispresence.Sheimploreshimtospendatleastoneeveningwithher,andhecannotevendo that.Why,hemight shoothimself indespair ifhehad to stayathome!Poorfellow,whathewantsarenewfieldsforhisvillainousschemes.Oh,IknowwhyyougotoLebedieff’severyevening,Ivanoff!Iknow.

EnterIVANOFF,inhatandcoat,ANNAandSHABELSKI

SHABELSKI.Lookhere,Nicholas,thisissimplybarbarousYougoawayeveryeveningandleaveusherealone,andwegetsoboredthatwehavetogotobedateighto’clock.Itisascandal,andnodecentwayofliving.Whycanyougodrivingifwecan’t?Why?

ANNA.Leavehimalone,Count.Lethimgoifhewantsto.

IVANOFF.Howcanasickwomanlikeyougoanywhere?Youknowyouhaveacough

andmustnotgooutaftersunset.Askthedoctorhere.Youarenochild,Annie,youmustbereasonable.Andasforyou,whatwouldyoudowithyourselfoverthere?

SHABELSKI.Iamreadytogoanywhere: into the jawsofacrocodile,oreveninto thejawsofhell,solongasIdon’thavetostayhere.Iamhorriblybored.Iamstupefiedbythisdullness.Everyonehereistiredofme.YouleavemeathometoentertainAnna,butIfeelmorelikescratchingandbitingher.

ANNA.Leavehimalone,Count.Leavehimalone.Lethimgoifheenjoyshimselfthere.

IVANOFF.Whatdoes thismean,Annie?YouknowIamnotgoingforpleasure. ImustseeLebedieffaboutthemoneyIowehim.

ANNA.Idon’tseewhyyouneedjustifyyourselftome.Goahead!Whoiskeepingyou?

IVANOFF.Heavens!Don’tletusbiteoneanother’sheadsoff.Isthatreallyunavoidable?

SHABELSKI. [Tearfully]Nicholas,my dear boy, do please takemewith you. ImightpossiblybeamusedalittlebythesightofallthefoolsandscoundrelsIshouldseethere.YouknowIhaven’tbeenoffthisplacesinceEaster.

IVANOFF.[Exasperated]Oh,verywell!Comealongthen!Howtiresomeyouallare!

SHABELSKI.Imaygo?Oh,thankyou![Takeshimgailybythearmandleadshimaside]MayIwearyourstrawhat?

IVANOFF.Youmay,onlyhurry,please.

SHABELSKIrunsintothehouse.

IVANOFF.HowtiredIamofyouall!Butno,whatamIsaying?Annie,mymanner toyouisinsufferable,anditneverusedtobe.Well,good-bye,Annie.Ishallbebackbyone.

ANNA.Nicholas!Mydearhusband,stayathometo-night!

IVANOFF.[Excitedly]Darling,sweetheart,mydear,unhappyone,Iimploreyoutoletmeleavehomeintheevenings.Iknowitiscruelandunjusttoaskthis,butletmedoyouthisinjustice. It is such torture for me to stay. As soon as the sun goes down my soul isoverwhelmedby themost horrible despair.Don’t askmewhy; I don’t know; I swear Idon’t. This dreadfulmelancholy tormentsme here, it drivesme to the Lebedieff’s andthereitgrowsworsethanever.Irushhome;itstillpursuesme;andsoIamtorturedallthroughthenight.Itisbreakingmyheart.

ANNA. Nicholas, won’t you stay?We will talk together as we used to.We will havesuppertogetherandreadafterward.TheoldgrumblerandIhavelearnedsomanyduetstoplaytoyou.[Shekisseshim.Then,afterapause]Ican’tunderstandyouanymore.Thishasbeengoingonforayearnow.Whathaschangedyouso?

IVANOFF.Idon’tknow.

ANNA.Andwhydon’tyouwantmetogodrivingwithyouintheevening?

IVANOFF.Asyouinsistonknowing,Ishallhavetotellyou.It isalittlecruel,butyouhadbestunderstand.WhenthismelancholyfitisonmeIbegintodislikeyou,Annie,andatsuchtimesImustescapefromyou.Inshort,Isimplyhavetoleavethishouse.

ANNA. Oh, you are sad, are you? I can understand that! Nicholas, let me tell yousomething:won’tyoutrytosingandlaughandscoldasyouusedto?Stayhere,andwewilldrinksomeliqueur together,and laugh,andchaseawaythissadnessofyours innotime.ShallIsingtoyou?Orshallwesitinyourstudyinthetwilightasweusedto,whileyoutellmeaboutyoursadness?Icanreadsuchsufferinginyoureyes!Letmelookintothemandweep,andourheartswillbothbelighter.[Shelaughsandcriesatonce]Orisitreallytruethattheflowersreturnwitheveryspring,butlosthappinessneverreturns?Oh,isit?Well,gothen,go!

IVANOFF.Prayforme,Annie![Hegoes;thenstopsandthinksforamoment]No,Ican’tdoit.[IVANOFFgoesout.]

ANNA.Yes,go,go—[Sitsdownatthetable.]

LVOFF.[Walkingupanddown]Makethisarule,Madam:assoonasthesungoesdownyoumustgoindoorsandnotcomeoutagainuntilmorning.Thedampeveningairisbadforyou.

ANNA.Yes,sir!

LVOFF.Whatdoyoumeanby“Yes,sir”?Iamspeakingseriously.

ANNA.ButIdon’twanttobeserious.[Shecoughs.]

LVOFF.Therenow,yousee,youarecoughingalready.

SHABELSKIcomesoutofthehouseinhishatandcoat.

SHABELSKI.WhereisNicholas?Isthecarriagehereyet?[GoesquicklytoANNAandkissesherhand]Good-night,mydarling![MakesafaceandspeakswithaJewishaccent]Ibegyourbardon![Hegoesquicklyout.]

LVOFF.Idiot!

Apause;thesoundsofaconcertinaareheardinthedistance.

ANNA.Oh,howlonelyitis!Thecoachmanandthecookarehavingalittleballintherebythemselves,andI—Iam,asitwere,abandoned.Whyareyouwalkingabout,Doctor?Comeandsitdownhere.

LVOFF.Ican’tsitdown.

[Apause.]

ANNA.Theyareplaying“TheSparrow”inthekitchen.[Shesings]“Sparrow,Sparrow,whereareyou?

Onthemountaindrinkingdew.”

[Apause]Areyourfatherandmotherliving,Doctor?

LVOFF.Mymotherisliving;myfatherisdead.

ANNA.Doyoumissyourmotherverymuch?

LVOFF.Iamtoobusytomissanyone.

ANNA.[Laughing]Theflowersreturnwitheveryspring,butlosthappinessneverreturns.Iwonderwhotaughtmethat?IthinkitwasNicholashimself.[Listens]Theowlishooting

again.

LVOFF.Well,letithoot.

ANNA. I have begun to think, Doctor, that fate has cheated me. Other people who,perhaps,arenobetterthanIamarehappyandhavenothadtopayfortheirhappiness.ButIhavepaidforitall,everymomentofit,andsuchaprice!WhyshouldIhavetopaysoterribly?Dearfriend,youarealltooconsiderateandgentlewithmetotellmethetruth;but do you think I don’t know what is the matter with me? I know perfectly well.However,thisisn’tapleasantsubject—[WithaJewishaccent]“Ibegyourbardon!”Canyoutellfunnystories?

LVOFF.No,Ican’t.

ANNA.Nicholascan.Iambeginningtobesurprised,too,attheinjusticeofpeople.Whydo they return hatred for love, and answer truthwith lies?Can you tellme howmuchlongerIshallbehatedbymymotherandfather?Theylivefiftymilesaway,andyetIcanfeeltheirhatreddayandnight,eveninmysleep.AndhowdoyouaccountforthesadnessofNicholas?He says thatheonlydislikesme in theevening,when the fit isonhim. Iunderstandthat,andcantolerateit,butwhatifheshouldcometodislikemealtogether?Ofcoursethatisimpossible,andyet—no,no,Imustn’tevenimaginesuchathing.[Sings]

“Sparrow,Sparrow,whereareyou?”

[Sheshudders]WhatfearfulthoughtsIhave!Youarenotmarried,Doctor;therearemanythingsthatyoucannotunderstand.

LVOFF.Yousayyouaresurprised,but—butitisyouwhosurpriseme.Tellme,explaintomehowyou,anhonestandintelligentwoman,almostasaint,couldallowyourselftobesobaselydeceivedanddraggedintothisdenofbears?Whyareyouhere?Whathaveyouincommonwithsuchacoldandheartless—butenoughofyourhusband!Whathaveyouincommonwith thesewickedandvulgar surroundings?With that eternalgrumbler, thecrazyanddecrepitCount?Withthatswindler,thatprinceofrascals,Misha,withhisfool’sface?Tellme,Isay,howdidyougethere?

ANNA.[laughing]Thatiswhatheusedtosay, longago,oh,exactly!Onlyhiseyesarelargerthanyours,andwhenhewasexcitedtheyusedtoshinelikecoals—goon,goon!

LVOFF.[Getsupandwaveshishand]Thereisnothingmoretosay.Gointothehouse.

ANNA.YousaythatNicholasisnotwhatheshouldbe,thathisfaultsaresoandso.Howcanyoupossiblyunderstandhim?Howcanyoulearntoknowanyoneinsixmonths?Heisawonderfulman,Doctor,andIamsorryyoucouldnothaveknownhimashewastwoor three years ago. He is depressed and silent now, and broods all day without doinganything,buthewassplendidthen.Ifellinlovewithhimatfirstsight.[Laughing]Igaveonelookandwascaughtlikeamouseinatrap!SowhenheaskedmetogowithhimIcuteverytiethatboundmetomyoldlifeasonesnipsthewitheredleavesfromaplant.Butthings are different now. Now he goes to the Lebedieff’s to amuse himself with otherwomen,andIsithereinthegardenandlistentotheowls.[TheWATCHMAN’Srattleisheard]Tellme,Doctor,haveyouanybrothersandsisters?

LVOFF.No.

ANNAsobs.

LVOFF.Whatisit?Whatisthematter?

ANNA.Ican’tstandit,Doctor,Imustgo.

LVOFF.Where?

ANNA.Tohim.Iamgoing.Havethehorsesharnessed.[Sherunsintothehouse.]

LVOFF.No,Icertainlycannotgoontreatinganyoneundertheseconditions.Inotonlyhavetodoitfornothing,butIamforcedtoendurethisagonyofmindbesides.No,no,Ican’tstandit.Ihavehadenoughofit.[Hegoesintothehouse.]

Thecurtainfalls.

ACTII

Thedrawing-roomofLEBEDIEFFÕShouse.Inthecentreisadoorleadingintoagarden.Doorsopenoutoftheroomtotherightandleft.Theroomisfurnishedwithvaluableoldfurniture,whichiscarefullyprotectedbylinencovers.Thewallsarehungwithpictures.Theroomis lightedbycandelabra.ZINAIDAissittingonasofa; theelderlyguestsaresittinginarm-chairsoneitherhand.Theyoungguestsaresittingabouttheroomonsmallchairs.KOSICH,AVDOTIANAZAROVNA,GEORGE,andothersareplayingcards inthe background.GABRIEL is standing near the door on the right. Themaid is passingsweetmeats about on a tray.During the entire act guests comeandgo from thegarden,throughtheroom,outofthedoorontheleft,andbackagain.EnterMARTHAthroughthedoorontheright.ShegoestowardZINAIDA.

ZINAIDA.[Gaily]MydearestMartha!

MARTHA. How do you do, Zinaida? Let me congratulate you on your daughter’sbirthday.

ZINAIDA.Thankyou,mydear;Iamdelightedtoseeyou.Howareyou?

MARTHA.Verywellindeed,thankyou.[Shesitsdownonthesofa]Goodevening,youngpeople!

Theyoungerguestsgetupandbow.

FIRSTGUEST.[Laughing]Youngpeopleindeed!Doyoucallyourselfanoldperson?

MARTHA.[Sighing]HowcanImakeanypretensetoyouthnow?

FIRSTGUEST.Whatnonsense!Thefactthatyouareawidowmeansnothing.Youcouldbeatanyprettygirlyouchoseatacanter.

GABRIELbringsMARTHAsometea.

ZINAIDA.Whydoyoubringtheteainlikethat?Goandfetchsomejamtoeatwithit!

MARTHA.Nothankyou;noneforme,don’ttroubleyourself.[Apause.]

FIRSTGUEST.[ToMARTHA]DidyoucomethroughMushkineonyourwayhere?

MARTHA.No,IcamebywayofSpassk.Theroadisbetterthatway.

FIRSTGUEST.Yes,soitis.

KOSICH.Twoinspades.

GEORGE.Pass.

AVDOTIA.Pass.

SECONDGUEST.Pass.

MARTHA.Thepriceof lottery ticketshasgoneupagain,mydear. Ihaveneverknownsuchastateofaffairs.Thefirst issue isalreadyworth twohundredandseventyand thesecondnearlytwohundredandfifty.Thishasneverhappenedbefore.

ZINAIDA.Howfortunateforthosewhohaveagreatmanytickets!

MARTHA.Don’tsaythat,dear;evenwhenthepriceofticketsishighitdoesnotpaytoputone’scapitalintothem.

ZINAIDA.Quitetrue,andyet,mydear,onenevercantellwhatmayhappen.Providenceissometimeskind.

THIRD GUEST. My impression is, ladies, that at present capital is exceedinglyunproductive.Sharespayverysmalldividends,andspeculatingisexceedinglydangerous.AsIunderstandit,thecapitalistnowfindshimselfinamorecriticalpositionthanthemanwho——

MARTHA.Quiteright.

FIRSTGUESTyawns.

MARTHA.Howdareyouyawninthepresenceofladies?

FIRSTGUEST.Ibegyourpardon!Itwasquiteanaccident.

ZINAIDAgetsupandgoesoutthroughthedoorontheright.

GEORGE.Twoinhearts.

SECONDGUEST.Pass.

KOSICH.Pass.

MARTHA.[Aside]Heavens!Thisisdeadly!Ishalldieofennui.

EnterZINAIDAandLEBEDIEFFthroughthedoorontheright.

ZINAIDA.Whydoyougooff byyourself like a primadonna?Comeand sitwithourguests!

[Shesitsdowninherformerplace.]

LEBEDIEFF. [Yawning]Oh, dear, our sins are heavy! [He catches sight ofMARTHA]Why,thereismylittlesugar-plum!Howisyourmostesteemedhighness?

MARTHA.Verywell,thankyou.

LEBEDIEFF.Splendid,splendid![Hesitsdowninanarmchair]Quiteright—Oh,Gabriel!

GABRIELbringshimaglassofvodkaanda tumblerofwater.Heempties theglassofvodkaandsipsthewater.

FIRSTGUEST.Goodhealthtoyou!

LEBEDIEFF.Goodhealthistoomuchtoask.Iamcontenttokeepdeathfromthedoor.[Tohiswife]Whereistheheroineofthisoccasion,Zuzu?

KOSICH. [In a plaintive voice] Look here, why haven’t we taken any tricks yet? [Hejumpsup]Yes,whyhavewelostthisgameentirely,confoundit?

AVDOTIA.[Jumpsupangrily]Because,friend,youdon’tknowhowtoplayit,andhavenorighttobesittinghereatall.Whatrighthadyoutoleadfromanothersuit?Haven’tyoutheaceleft?[Theybothleavethetableandrunforward.]

KOSICH.[Inatearfulvoice]Ladiesandgentlemen,letmeexplain!Ihadtheace,king,queen, and eight of diamonds, the ace of spades and one, just one, little heart, do youunderstand?Well,she,badlucktoher,shecouldn’tmakealittleslam.Isaidoneinno-trumps——*

*Thegameplayedisvint,thenationalcard-gameofRussia

andthedirectancestorofauctionbridge,withwhichitis

almostidentical.[translator’snote]

AVDOTIA. [Interrupting him]No, I said one in no-trumps; you said two in no-trumps——

KOSICH.Thisisunbearable!Allowme—youhad—Ihad—youhad—[ToLEBEDIEFF]Butyoushalldecideit,Paul:Ihadtheace,king,queen,andeightofdiamonds——

LEBEDIEFF.[Putshisfingersintohisears]Stop,forheaven’ssake,stop!

AVDOTIA.[Yelling]Isaidno-trumps,andnothe!

KOSICH.[Furiously]I’llbedamnedifIeversitdowntoanothergameofcardswiththatoldcat!

Herushesintothegarden.TheSECONDGUESTfollowshim.GEORGEisleftaloneatthetable.

AVDOTIA.Whew!Hemakesmybloodboil!Oldcat,indeed!You’reanoldcatyourself!

MARTHA.Howangryyouare,aunty!

AVDOTIA.[SeesMARTHAandclapsherhands]Areyouhere,mydarling?Mybeauty!AndwasIblindasabat,anddidn’tseeyou?Darlingchild![Shekissesherandsitsdownbeside her] How happy this makes me! Let me feast my eyes on you, mymilk-whiteswan!Oh,oh,youhavebewitchedme!

LEBEDIEFF.Whydon’tyoufindherahusbandinsteadofsingingherpraises?

AVDOTIA.Heshallbefound.IshallnotgotomygravebeforeIhavefoundahusbandforher,andoneforSashatoo.Ishallnotgotomygrave—[Shesighs]Butwheretofindthese husbands nowadays? There sit some possible bridegrooms now, huddled togetherlikealotofhalf-drownedrats!

THIRDGUEST.Amostunfortunatecomparison!Itismybelief,ladies,thatiftheyoungmenofourdayprefertoremainsingle,thefaultliesnotwiththem,butwiththeexisting,socialconditions!

LEBEDIEFF.Come,enoughofthat!Don’tgiveusanymorephilosophy;Idon’tlikeit!

EnterSASHA.Shegoesuptoherfather.

SASHA.Howcanyouendurethestuffyairofthisroomwhentheweatherissobeautiful?

ZINAIDA.MydearSasha,don’tyouseethatMarthaishere?

SASHA.Ibegyourpardon.

[ShegoesuptoMARTHAandshakeshands.]

MARTHA.Yes,hereIam,mydearlittleSasha,andproudtocongratulateyou.[Theykisseachother]Manyhappyreturnsoftheday,dear!

SASHA.Thankyou![Shegoesandsitsdownbyherfather.]

LEBEDIEFF.Asyouweresaying,AvdotiaNazarovna,husbandsarehardtofind.Idon’twanttoberude,butImustsaythattheyoungmenofthepresentareadullandpokylot,poorfellows!Theycan’tdanceortalkordrinkastheyshoulddo.

AVDOTIA.Oh,asfarasdrinkinggoes, theyareallexperts.Justgive them—give them——

LEBEDIEFF.Simplytodrinkisnoart.Ahorsecandrink.No,itmustbedoneintherightway.Inmyyoungdaysweusedtositandcudgelourbrainsalldayoverourlessons,butassoonaseveningcamewewouldflyoffonsomespreeandkeepituptilldawn.Howweusedtodanceandflirt,anddrink,too!Orsometimeswewouldsitandchatteranddiscusseverythingunderthesununtilwealmostwaggedourtonguesoff.Butnow—[Hewaveshishand]Boysareapuzzletome.TheyarenotwillingeithertogiveacandletoGodorapitchfork to the devil! There is only one young fellow in the country who is worth apenny,andheismarried.[Sighs]Theysay,too,thatheisgoingcrazy.

MARTHA.Whoishe?

LEBEDIEFF.NicholasIvanoff.

MARTHA.Yes,heisafinefellow,only[Makesaface]heisveryunhappy.

ZINAIDA. How could he be otherwise, poor boy! [She sighs] He made such a badmistake.WhenhemarriedthatJewessofhishethoughtofcoursethatherparentswouldgiveawaywholemountainsofgoldwithher,but,onthecontrary,onthedayshebecameaChristian theydisownedher, and Ivanoff hasnever seen apennyof themoney.Hehasrepentedofhisfollynow,butitistoolate.

SASHA.Mother,thatisnottrue!

MARTHA.Howcanyousayitisnottrue,Sasha,whenweallknowittobeafact?WhydidhehavetomarryaJewess?Hemusthavehadsomereasonfordoingit.AreRussiangirlssoscarce?No,hemadeamistake,poorfellow,asadmistake.[Excitedly]Andwhatonearthcanhedowithhernow?Wherecouldshegoifheweretocomehomesomedayandsay:“Yourparentshavedeceivedme;leavemyhouseatonce!”Herparentswouldn’ttakeherback.Shemight findaplaceas ahouse-maid if shehadever learned towork,whichshehasn’t.Heworriesandworrieshernow,buttheCountinterferes.IfithadnotbeenfortheCount,hewouldhaveworriedhertodeathlongago.

AVDOTIA.Theysayheshutsherupinacellarandstuffsherwithgarlic,andsheeatsandeatsuntilherverysoulreeksofit.[Laughter.]

SASHA.But,father,youknowthatisn’ttrue!

LEBEDIEFF.What if it isn’t,Sasha?Let them spinyarns if it amuses them. [He calls]Gabriel!

GABRIELbringshimanotherglassofvodkaandaglassofwater.

ZINAIDA. His misfortunes have almost ruined him, poor man. His affairs are in afrightfulcondition.IfBorkindidnottakesuchgoodchargeofhisestateheandhisJewesswouldsoonbestarvingtodeath.[Shesighs]Andwhatanxietyhehascausedus!Heaven

onlyknowshowwehave suffered.Doyou realise,mydear, that for threeyearshehasowedusninethousandroubles?

MARTHA.[Horrified]Ninethousand!

ZINAIDA.Yes, that is thesumthatmydearPaulhasundertakentolendhim.Heneverknows towhomit issafe to lendmoneyand towhomit isnot. Idon’tworryabout theprincipal,butheoughttopaytheinterestonhisdebt.

SASHA. [Hotly] Mamma, you have already discussed this subject at least a thousandtimes!

ZINAIDA.Whatdifferencedoesitmaketoyou?Whyshouldyouinterfere?

SASHA.Whatisthismaniayouallhaveforgossipingaboutamanwhohasneverdoneanyofyouanyharm?Tellme,whatharmhashedoneyou?

THIRDGUEST.Letmesay twowords,MissSasha. IesteemIvanoff,andhavealwaysfoundhimanhonourableman,but,betweenourselves,Ialsoconsiderhimanadventurer.

SASHA.Icongratulateyouonyouropinion!

THIRDGUEST.Inproofofitstruth,permitmetopresenttoyouthefollowingfacts,astheywere communicated tome by his secretary, or shall I say rather, by his factotum,Borkin.Twoyears ago, at the timeof the cattle plague, hebought some cattle andhadtheminsured—

ZINAIDA.Yes,Irememberhearing’ofthat.

THIRDGUEST.Hehadtheminsured,asyouunderstand,andtheninoculatedthemwiththediseaseandclaimedtheinsurance.

SASHA.Oh,whatnonsense,nonsense,nonsense!Nooneboughtorinoculatedanycattle!The story was invented by Borkin, who then went about boasting of his clever plan.IvanoffwouldnotforgiveBorkinfortwoweeksafterheheardofit.Heisonlyguiltyofaweakcharacterandtoogreatfaith inhumanity.Hecan’tmakeuphismindtogetridofthatBorkin,andsoallhispossessionshavebeentrickedandstolenfromhim.Everyonewhohashadanything todowith Ivanoffhas takenadvantageofhisgenerosity togrowrich.

LEBEDIEFF.Sasha,youlittlefirebrand,thatwilldo!

SASHA.Whydoyoualltalklikethis?ThiseternalsubjectofIvanoff,Ivanoff,andalwaysIvanoff has grown insufferable, and yet you never speak of anything else. [She goestoward the door, then stops and comes back] I am surprised, [To the youngmen] andutterlyastonishedatyourpatience,youngmen!Howcanyousit there like that?Aren’tyou bored? Why, the very air is as dull as ditchwater! Do, for heaven’s sake saysomething; try to amuse the girls a little,move about!Or if you can’t talk of anythingexceptIvanoff,youmightlaughorsingordance——

LEBEDIEFF.[Laughing]That’sright,Sasha!Givethemagoodscolding.

SASHA.Lookhere,willyoudomeafavour?Ifyourefusetodanceorsingorlaugh,ifallthatistedious,thenletmebegyou,imploreyou,tosummonallyourpowers,ifonlyforthisonce,andmakeonewittyorcleverremark.Letitbeasimpertinentandmaliciousas

youlike,solongasitisfunnyandoriginal.Won’tyouperformthismiracle,justonce,tosurpriseus andmakeus laugh?Orelseyoumight thinkof some little thingwhichyoucouldalldotogether,somethingtomakeyoustirabout.Letthegirlsadmireyouforonceintheirlives!Listentome!Isupposeyouwantthemtolikeyou?Thenwhydon’ttrytomakethemdoit?Oh,dear!Thereissomethingwrongwithyouall!Youarealotofsleepystick-in-the-muds!Ihavetoldyousoathousandtimesandshallalwaysgoonrepeatingit;thereissomethingwrongwitheveryoneofyou;somethingwrong,wrong,wrong!

EnterIVANOFFandSHABELSKIthroughthedoorontheright.

SHABELSKI.Who ismaking a speech here? Is it you, Sasha? [He laughs and shakeshandswithher]Manyhappyreturnsof theday,mydearchild.Mayyouliveas longaspossibleinthislife,butneverbebornagain!

ZINAIDA.[Joyfully]MydearCount!

LEBEDIEFF.Whocanthisbe?Notyou,Count?

SHABELSKI.[SeesZINAIDAandMARTHAsittingsidebyside]Twogoldminessideby side! What a pleasant picture it makes! [He shakes hands with ZINAIDA] Goodevening,Zuzu![ShakeshandswithMARTHA]Goodevening,Birdie!

ZINAIDA. I am charmed to see you, Count. You are a rare visitor here now. [Calls]Gabriel,bringsometea!Pleasesitdown.

She gets up and goes to the door and back, evidently much preoccupied. SASHA sitsdowninherformerplace.IVANOFFsilentlyshakeshandswitheveryone.

LEBEDIEFF.[ToSHABELSKI]Whatmiraclehasbroughtyouhere?Youhavegivenusagreat surprise. Why, Count, you’re a rascal, you haven’t been treating us right at all.[Leadshimforwardbythehand]Tellme,whydon’tyouevercometoseeusnow?Areyouoffended?

SHABELSKI.HowcanIgetheretoseeyou?Astrideabroomstick?Ihavenohorsesofmyown,andNicholaswon’ttakemewithhimwhenhegoesout.HesaysImuststayathometoamuseSarah.SendyourhorsesformeandIshallcomewithpleasure.

LEBEDIEFF.[Withawaveofthehand]Oh,thatiseasytosay!ButZuzuwouldratherhaveafitthanlendthehorsestoanyone.Mydear,dearoldfriend,youaremoretomethananyoneIknow!YouandIaresurvivorsofthosegoodolddaysthataregoneforever,andyoualonebringbacktomymindtheloveandlongingsofmylostyouth.OfcourseIamonlyjoking,andyet,doyouknow,Iamalmostintears?

SHABELSKI.Stop,stop!Yousmellliketheairofawinecellar.

LEBEDIEFF. Dear friend, you cannot imagine how lonely I am without my oldcompanions! I could hang myself! [Whispers] Zuzu has frightened all the decent menawaywithherstingyways,andnowwehaveonly this riff-raff,asyousee:Tom,Dick,andHarry.However,drinkyourtea.

ZINAIDA.[Anxiously,toGABRIEL]Don’tbringitinlikethat!Gofetchsomejamtoeatwithit!

SHABELSKI.[Laughingloudly,toIVANOFF]Didn’tItellyouso?[ToLEBEDIEFF]I

bethimdrivingover,thatassoonaswearrivedZuzuwouldwanttofeeduswithjam!

ZINAIDA.Stilljoking,Count![Shesitsdown.]

LEBEDIEFF.Shemadetwentyjarsofitthisyear,andhowelsedoyouexpecthertogetridofit?

SHABELSKI.[Sitsdownnearthetable]Areyoustilladdingtothehoard,Zuzu?Youwillsoonhaveamillion,eh?

ZINAIDA.[Sighing]Iknowitseemsasifnoonecouldbericherthanwe,butwheredotheythinkthemoneycomesfrom?Itisallgossip.

SHABELSKI.Oh,yes,weallknowthat!Weknowhowbadlyyouplayyourcards!Tellme,Paul,honestly,haveyousavedupamillionyet?

LEBEDIEFF.Idon’tknow.AskZuzu.

SHABELSKI.[ToMARTHA]AndmyplumplittleBirdieherewillsoonhaveamilliontoo!She isgettingprettierandplumpernotonlyeveryday,buteveryhour.Thatmeansshehasanicelittlefortune.

MARTHA.Thankyouverymuch,yourhighness,butIdon’tlikesuchjokes.

SHABELSKI.Mydearlittlegoldmine,doyoucallthatajoke?Itwasawailofthesoul,acry from the heart, that burst throughmy lips.My love for you andZuzu is immense.[Gaily]Oh,rapture!Oh,bliss!Icannotlookatyoutwowithoutamadlybeatingheart!

ZINAIDA. You are still the same, Count. [To GEORGE] Put out the candles please,George. [GEORGEgives a start.He puts out the candles and sits down again]How isyourwife,Nicholas?

IVANOFF.Sheisveryill.Thedoctorsaidto-daythatshecertainlyhadconsumption.

ZINAIDA.Really?Oh,howsad![Shesighs]Andweareallsofondofher!

SHABELSKI.Whattrashyoualltalk!Thatstorywasinventedbythatshamdoctor,andisnothingbutatrickofhis.HewantstomasqueradeasanAesculapius,andsohasstartedthis consumption theory. Fortunately her husband isn’t jealous. [IVANOFF makes aninpatientgesture]AsforSarah,Iwouldn’ttrustawordoranactionofhers.Ihavemadeapointallmylifeofmistrustingalldoctors,lawyers,andwomen.Theyareshammersanddeceivers.

LEBEDIEFF. [To SHABELSKI] You are an extraordinary person,Matthew! You havemounted thismisanthropichobbyofyours,andyouride it through thickand thin likealunaticYouareamanlikeanyother,andyet,fromthewayyoutalkonewouldimaginethatyouhadthepip,oracoldinthehead.

SHABELSKI.WouldyouhavemegoaboutkissingeveryrascalandscoundrelImeet?

LEBEDIEFF.Wheredoyoufindalltheserascalsandscoundrels?

SHABELSKI.OfcourseIamnottalkingofanyoneherepresent,nevertheless——-

LEBEDIEFF.Thereyouareagainwithyour“nevertheless.”Allthisissimplyafancyofyours.

SHABELSKI.Afancy?Itisluckyforyouthatyouhavenoknowledgeoftheworld!

LEBEDIEFF.Myknowledgeoftheworldisthis:Imustsitherepreparedatanymomenttohavedeathcomeknockingatthedoor.Thatismyknowledgeoftheworld.Atourage,brother, you and I can’t afford to worry about knowledge of the world. So then—[Hecalls]Oh,Gabriel!

SHABELSKI.Youhavehadquiteenoughalready.Lookatyournose.

LEBEDIEFF.Nomatter,oldboy.Iamnotgoingtobemarriedto-day.

ZINAIDA.DoctorLvoffhasnotbeenhereforalongtime.Heseemstohaveforgottenus.

SASHA.Thatmanisoneofmyaversions.Ican’tstandhisicysenseofhonour.Hecan’taskforaglassofwaterorsmokeacigarettewithoutmakingadisplayofhisremarkablehonesty.Walking and talking, it iswritten onhis brow: “I amanhonestman.”He is agreatbore.

SHABELSKI. He is a narrow-minded, conceited medico. [Angrily] He shrieks like aparrot at every step: “Makeway for honest endeavour!” and thinks himself another St.Francis.Everybody is a rascalwhodoesn’tmake asmuchnoise as he does.As for hispenetration,itissimplyremarkable!Ifapeasantiswelloffandlivesdecently,heseesatoncethathemustbeathiefandascoundrel.IfIwearavelvetcoatandamdressedbymyvalet,Iamarascalandthevaletismyslave.Thereisnoplaceinthisworldforamanlikehim.Iamactuallyafraidofhim.Yes,indeed,heislikely,outofasenseofduty,toinsultamanatanymomentandtocallhimaknave.

IVANOFF.Iamdreadfullytiredofhim,butIcan’thelplikinghim,too,heissosincere.

SHABELSKI.Oh,yes,hissincerityisbeautiful!Hecameuptomeyesterdayeveningandremarkedabsolutelyaproposofnothing:“Count,Ihaveadeepaversiontoyou!”Itisn’tasifhesaidsuchthingssimply,buttheyareextremelypointed.Hisvoicetrembles,hiseyesflash, his veins swell. Confound his infernal honesty! Supposing I am disgusting andodioustohim?Whatismorenatural?IknowthatIam,butIdon’tliketobetoldsotomyface.Iamaworthlessoldman,buthemighthavethedecencytorespectmygreyhairs.Oh,whatstupid,heartlesshonesty!

LEBEDIEFF.Come,come,youhavebeenyoungyourself,andshouldmakeallowancesforhim.

SHABELSKI.Yes,Ihavebeenyoungandreckless;Ihaveplayedthefoolinmydayandhaveseenplentyofknavesandscamps,butIhavenevercalledathiefathieftohisface,ortalkedofropesinthehouseofamanwhohadbeenhung.Iknewhowtobehave,butthisidioticdoctorofyourswouldthinkhimselfintheseventhheavenofhappinessiffatewouldallowhimtopullmynoseinpublicinthenameofmoralityandhumanideals.

LEBEDIEFF.Youngmenareall stubbornandrestive. Ihadanuncleoncewho thoughthimselfaphilosopher.Hewouldfillhishousewithguests,andafterhehadhadadrinkhewouldgetuponachair,likethis,andbegin:“Youignoramuses!Youpowersofdarkness!Thisisthedawnofanewlife!”Andsoonandsoon;hewouldpreachandpreach——

SASHA.Andtheguests?

LEBEDIEFF. They would just sit and listen and go on drinking. Once, though, Ichallengedhimtoaduel,challengedmyownuncle!ItcameoutofadiscussionaboutSirFrancisBacon. Iwas sitting, I remember,whereMatthew is, andmyuncleand the lateGerasimNilitchwere standingover there, aboutwhereNicholas is now.Well,GerasimNilitchpropoundedthisquestion——

EnterBORKIN.Heisdressedlikeadandyandcarriesaparcelunderhisarm.Hecomesinsingingandskippingthroughthedoorontheright.Amurmurofapprovalisheard.

THEGIRLS.Oh,MichaelBorkin!

LEBEDIEFF.Hallo,Misha!

SHABELSKI.Thesoulofthecompany!

BORKIN.Hereweare![HerunsuptoSASHA]MostnobleSignorina,letmebesoboldas towish to thewholeworldmanyhappy returns of thebirthdayof such an exquisiteflower as you!As a tokenofmy enthusiasm letmepresume to present youwith thesefireworks and thisBengal fire ofmy ownmanufacture. [He hands her the parcel]Maytheyilluminatethenightasbrightlyasyouilluminatetheshadowsofthisdarkworld.[Hespreadsthemouttheatricallybeforeher.]

SASHA.Thankyou.

LEBEDIEFF.[Laughingloudly,toIVANOFF]Whydon’tyousendthisJudaspacking?

BORKIN.[ToLEBEDIEFF]Mycompliments toyou,sir. [ToIVANOFF]Howareyou,mypatron?[Sings]Nicholasvoila,heyhohey![Hegreetseverybodyinturn]MosthighlyhonouredZinaida!Oh,gloriousMartha!MostancientAvdotia!NoblestofCounts!

SHABELSKI.[Laughing]Thelifeofthecompany!Themomenthecomesintheairfeelslivelier.Haveyounoticedit?

BORKIN.Whew!Iamtired!IbelieveIhaveshakenhandswitheverybody.Well,ladiesand gentlemen, haven’t you some little tidbit to tell me; something spicy? [SpeakingquicklytoZINAIDA]Oh,aunty!Ihavesomethingtotellyou.AsIwasonmywayhere—[ToGABRIEL]Sometea,pleaseGabriel,butwithoutjam—asIwasonmywayhereIsawsomepeasantsdownontheriver-bankpullingthebarkoffthetrees.Whydon’tyouleasethatmeadow?

LEBEDIEFF.[ToIVANOFF]Whydon’tyousendthatJudasaway?

ZINAIDA.[Startled]Why,thatisquitetrue!Ineverthoughtofit.

BORKIN.[Swinginghisarms]Ican’tsitstill!Whattricksshallwebeuptonext,aunty?Iamallonedge,Martha,absolutelyexalted.[Hesings]

“OncemoreIstandbeforethee!”

ZINAIDA.Thinkofsomethingtoamuseus,Misha,weareallbored.

BORKIN.Yes,youlookso.Whatisthematterwithyouall?Whyareyousittingthereassolemnasajury?Come,letusplaysomething;whatshallitbe?Forfeits?Hide-and-seek?Tag?Shallwedance,orhavethefireworks?

THEGIRLS. [Clapping their hands] The fireworks! The fireworks! [They run into thegarden.]

SASHA.[ToIVANOFF]Whatmakesyousodepressedtoday?

IVANOFF.Myheadaches,littleSasha,andthenIfeelbored.

SASHA.Comeintothesitting-roomwithme.

Theygooutthroughthedoorontheright.AlltheguestsgointothegardenandZINAIDAandLEBEDIEFFareleftalone.

ZINAIDA.ThatiswhatIliketosee!AyoungmanlikeMishacomesintotheroomandinaminutehehaseverybodylaughing.[Sheputsoutthelargelamp]Thereisnoreasonthecandlesshouldburnfornothingsolongastheyareallinthegarden.[Sheblowsoutthecandles.]

LEBEDIEFF.[Followingher]Wereallyoughttogiveourguestssomethingtoeat,Zuzu!

ZINAIDA.Whatcrowdsofcandles;nowonderwearethoughtrich.

LEBEDIEFF. [Still following her] Do let them have something to eat, Zuzu; they areyoungandmustbehungrybynow,poorthings—Zuzu!

ZINAIDA.TheCountdidnotfinishhistea,andallthatsugarhasbeenwasted.[Goesoutthroughthedoorontheleft.]

LEBEDIEFF.Bah![Goesoutintothegarden.]

EnterIVANOFFandSASHAthroughthedoorontheright.

IVANOFF.This ishow it is,Sasha: Iused toworkhardand thinkhard, andnever tire;now,Ineitherdoanythingnorthinkanything,andIamweary,bodyandsoul.IfeelIamterribly to blame,my conscience leavesme no peace day or night, and yet I can’t seeclearlyexactlywhatmymistakesare.Andnowcomesmywife’sillness,ourpoverty,thiseternal backbiting, gossiping, chattering, that foolish Borkin—My home has becomeunendurabletome,andtolivethereisworsethantorture.Frankly,Sasha,thepresenceofmywife,wholovesme,hasbecomeunbearable.Youareanoldfriend,littleSasha,youwillnotbeangrywithmeforspeakingsoopenly.Icametoyoutobecheered,butIamboredheretoo,somethingurgesmehomeagain.Forgiveme,Ishallslipawayatonce.

SASHA. I can understand your trouble, Nicholas. You are unhappy because you arelonely.Youneedsomeoneatyoursidewhomyoucan love, someonewhounderstandsyou.

IVANOFF.What an idea, Sasha! Fancy a crusty old badger likemyself starting a loveaffair!Heavenpreservemefromsuchmisfortune!No,mylittlesage,thisisnotacaseforromance.Thefactis,IcanendureallIhavetosuffer:sadness,sicknessofmind,ruin,the

loss of my wife, and my lonely, broken old age, but I cannot, I will not, endure thecontempt I have for myself! I am nearly killed by shame when I think that a strong,healthy man like myself has become—oh, heaven only knows what—by no means aManfredor aHamlet!There are someunfortunateswho feel flatteredwhenpeople callthemHamletsandcynics,buttomeitisaninsult.ItwoundsmyprideandIamtorturedbyshameandsufferagony.

SASHA.[Laughingthroughhertears]Nicholas,letusrunawaytoAmericatogether!

IVANOFF.Ihaven’ttheenergytotakesuchastepasthat,andbesides,inAmericayou—[Theygotowardthedoor into thegarden]Asamatteroffact,Sasha, this isnotagoodplaceforyoutolive.WhenIlookaboutatthemenwhosurroundyouIamterrifiedforyou;whomisthereyoucouldmarry?Youronlychancewillbeifsomepassinglieutenantorstudentstealsyourheartandcarriesyouaway.

EnterZINAIDAthroughthedoorontherightwithajarofjam.

IVANOFF.Excuseme,Sasha,Ishalljoinyouinaminute.

SASHAgoesoutintothegarden.

IVANOFF.[ToZINAIDA]Zinaida,mayIaskyouafavour?

ZINAIDA.Whatisit?

IVANOFF.Thefactis,youknow,thattheinterestonmynoteisduedayafterto-morrow,butIshouldbemorethanobligedtoyouifyouwillletmepostponethepaymentofit,orwould letme add the interest to the capital. I simply cannot pay it now; I haven’t themoney.

ZINAIDA.Oh,Ivanoff,howcouldIdosuchathing?Woulditbebusiness-like?No,no,don’taskit,don’ttormentanunfortunateoldwoman.

IVANOFF.Ibegyourpardon.[Hegoesoutintothegarden.]

ZINAIDA.Oh,dear!Oh,dear!Whatafrighthegaveme!Iamtremblingallover.[Goesoutthroughthedoorontheright.]

EnterKOSICHthroughthedoorontheleft.Hewalksacrossthestage.

KOSICH.Ihadtheace,king,queen,andeightofdiamonds,theaceofspades,andone,justonelittleheart,andshe—maythefoulfiendflyawaywithher,—shecouldn’tmakealittleslam!

Goes out through the door on the right. Enter from the garden AVDOTIA and FIRSTGUEST.

AVDOTIA.Oh,howIshouldliketogetmyclawsintoher,themiserableoldmiser!HowIshouldlikeit!Doesshethinkitajoketoleaveussittingheresincefiveo’clockwithoutevenofferingusacrusttoeat?Whatahouse!Whatmanagement!

FIRSTGUEST.IamsoboredthatIfeellikebeatingmyheadagainstthewall.Lord,whata queer lot of people! I shall soon be howling like a wolf and snapping at them fromhungerandweariness.

AVDOTIA.HowIshouldliketogetmyclawsintoher,theoldsinner!

FIRSTGUEST.Ishallgetadrink,oldlady,andthenhomeIgo!Iwon’thaveanythingtodowith thesebellesofyours.How thedevil canaman thinkof lovewhohasn’thadadroptodrinksincedinner?

AVDOTIA.Comeon,wewillgoandfindsomething.

FIRSTGUEST.Sh!Softly!Ithinkthebrandyisinthesideboardinthedining-room.WewillfindGeorge!Sh!

Theygooutthroughthedoorontheleft.EnterANNAandLVOFFthroughthedoorontheright.

ANNA.No,theywillbegladtoseeus.Isnoonehere?Thentheymustbeinthegarden.

LVOFF.Ishouldliketoknowwhyyouhavebroughtmeintothisdenofwolves.Thisisnoplaceforyouandme;honourablepeopleshouldnotbesubjectedtosuchinfluencesasthese.

ANNA.Listentome,Mr.HonourableMan.Whenyouareescortingaladyitisverybadmannerstotalktoherthewholewayaboutnothingbutyourownhonesty.Suchbehaviourmaybeperfectlyhonest,but it isalsotedious, tosaytheleast.Nevertellawomanhowgoodyouare; let her find it outherself.MyNicholasusedonly to sing and tell storieswhenhewasyoungasyouare,andyeteverywomanknewatoncewhatkindofamanhewas.

LVOFF.Don’ttalktomeofyourNicholas;Iknowallabouthim!

ANNA.Youareaveryworthyman,butyoudon’tknowanythingatall.Comeinto thegarden.Heneversaid:“Iamanhonestman;thesesurroundingsaretoonarrowforme.”He never spoke of wolves’ dens, called people bears or vultures. He left the animalkingdomalone,andthemostIhaveeverheardhimsaywhenhewasexcitedwas:“Oh,how unjust I have been to-day!” or “Annie, I am sorry for that man.” That’s what hewouldsay,butyou—

ANNAandLVOFFgoout.EnterAVDOTIAandFIRSTGUESTthroughthedoorontheleft.

FIRSTGUEST.Thereisn’tanyinthedining-room,soitmustbesomewhereinthepantry.WemustfindGeorge.Comethisway,throughthesitting-room.

AVDOTIA.Oh,howIshouldliketogetmyclawsintoher!

Theygooutthroughthedoorontheright.MARTHAandBORKINruninlaughingfromthegarden.SHABELSKIcomesmincingbehindthem,laughingandrubbinghishands.

MARTHA.Oh,Iamsobored![Laughsloudly]Thisisdeadly!Everyonelooksasifhehadswallowedapoker.Iamfrozentothemarrowbythisicydullness.[Sheskipsabout]Letusdosomething!

BORKINcatchesherbythewaistandkisseshercheek.

SHABELSKI. [Laughing and snapping his fingers] Well, I’ll be hanged! [Cackling]Really,youknow!

MARTHA.Letgo!Letgo,youwretch!WhatwilltheCountthink?Stop,Isay!

BORKIN.Angel!Jewel!Lendmetwenty-threehundredroubles.

MARTHA.Mostcertainlynot!Dowhatyouplease,butI’llthankyoutoleavemymoneyalone.No,no,no!Oh,letgo,willyou?

SHABELSKI.[Mincingaroundthem]Thelittlebirdiehasitscharms![Seriously]Come,thatwilldo!

BORKIN.Let us come to the point, and considermyproposition frankly as a businessarrangement.Answermehonestly,withouttricksandequivocations,doyouagreetodoitor not?Listen tome; [Pointing toShabelski] heneedsmoney to the amountof at leastthreethousandayear;youneedahusband.DoyouwanttobeaCountess?

SHABELSKI.[Laughingloudly]Oh,thecynic!

BORKIN.DoyouwanttobeaCountessornot?

MARTHA.[Excitedly]Waitaminute;really,Misha,thesethingsaren’tdoneinasecondlikethis.IftheCountwantstomarryme,lethimaskmehimself,and—and—Idon’tsee,Idon’tunderstand—allthisissosudden——

BORKIN.Come,don’tletusbeataboutthebush;thisisabusinessarrangement.Doyouagreeornot?

SHABELSKI.[Chucklingandrubbinghishands]SupposingIdomarryher,eh?Hangit,whyshouldn’t Iplayher thisshabbytrick?Whatdoyousay, littlepuss?[Hekisseshercheek]Dearestchick-a-biddy!

MARTHA.Stop!Stop!IhardlyknowwhatIamdoing.Goaway!No—don’tgo!

BORKIN.Answeratonce:isityesorno?Wecan’tstandhereforever.

MARTHA.Lookhere,Count,comeandvisitmefor threeor fourdays. It isgayatmyhouse,notlikethisplace.Cometo-morrow.[ToBORKIN]Oristhisallajoke?

BORKIN.[Angrily]HowcouldIjokeonsuchaserioussubject?

MARTHA.Wait!Stop!Oh,Ifeelfaint!ACountess!Iamfainting,Iamfalling!

BORKINandSHABELSKI laughandcatchherby thearms.Theykisshercheeksandleadheroutthroughthedoorontheright.IVANOFFandSASHAruninfromthegarden.

IVANOFF. [Desperately clutching his head] It can’t be true!Don’t Sasha, don’t!Oh, Iimploreyounotto!

SASHA.I loveyoumadly.Withoutyoumylifecanhavenomeaning,nohappiness,nohope.

IVANOFF.Why,whydoyousaythat?Whatdoyoumean?LittleSasha,don’tsayit!

SASHA. Youwere the only joy ofmy childhood; I loved you body and soul then, asmyself,butnow—Oh, I loveyou,Nicholas!Takemewithyou to theendsof theearth,whereveryouwish;butforheaven’ssakeletusgoatonce,orIshalldie.

IVANOFF.[Shakingwithwildlaughter]Whatisthis?Isitthebeginningformeofanewlife? Is it,Sasha?Oh,myhappiness,my joy! [Hedrawsher tohim]My freshness,myyouth!

EnterANNAfromthegarden.SheseesherhusbandandSASHA,andstopsasifpetrified.

IVANOFF.Oh,thenIshallliveoncemore?Andwork?

IVANOFFandSASHAkisseachother.AfterthekisstheylookaroundandseeANNA.

IVANOFF.[Withhorror]Sarah!

Thecurtainfalls.

ACTIII

Library in IVANOFF’S house.On thewalls hangmaps, pictures, guns, pistols, sickles,whips,etc.Awriting-table.Onitlieindisorderknick-knacks,papers,books,parcels,andseveralrevolvers.Nearthepapersstandalamp,adecanterofvodka,andaplateofsaltedherrings. Pieces of bread and cucumber are scattered about. SHABELSKI andLEBEDIEFF are sitting at the writing-table. BORKIN is sitting astride a chair in themiddleoftheroom.PETERisstandingnearthedoor.

LEBEDIEFF.ThepolicyofFranceisclearanddefinite;theFrenchknowwhattheywant:itistoskinthoseGermansausages,buttheGermansmustsinganothersong;Franceisnottheonlythornintheirflesh.

SHABELSKI.Nonsense!InmyopiniontheGermansarecowardsandtheFrencharethesame.Theyareshowingtheirteethatoneanother,butyoucantakemywordforit,theywillnotdomorethanthat;they’llneverfight!

BORKIN.Whyshouldtheyfight?Whyallthesecongresses,thisarmingandexpense?DoyouknowwhatIwoulddointheirplace?IwouldcatchallthedogsinthekingdomandinoculatethemwithPasteur’sserum,thenIwouldletthemlooseintheenemy’scountry,andtheenemieswouldallgomadinamonth.

LEBEDIEFF.[Laughing]Hisheadissmall,butthegreatideasarehiddenawayinitlikefishinthesea!

SHABELSKI.Oh,heisagenius.

LEBEDIEFF.Heaven help you,Misha, you are a funny chap. [He stops laughing]Buthowisthis,gentlemen?HerewearetalkingGermany,Germany,andneverawordaboutvodka! Repetatur! [He fills three glasses] Here’s to you all! [He drinks and eats] Thisherringisthebestofallrelishes.

SHABELSKI.No,no, thesecucumbersarebetter;everywisemansince thecreationoftheworldhasbeentryingtoinventsomethingbetterthanasaltedcucumber,andnotonehassucceeded.[ToPETER]Peter,goandfetchsomemorecucumbers.AndPeter,tellthecooktomakefourlittleonionpasties,andseethatwegetthemhot.

PETERgoesout.

LEBEDIEFF.Caviarisgoodwithvodka,butitmustbepreparedwithskill.Takeaquarterofapoundofpressedcaviar,twolittleonions,andalittleoliveoil;mixthemtogetherandputasliceoflemonontop—so!Lord!Theveryperfumewoulddriveyoucrazy!

BORKIN.Roastsnipearegoodtoo,buttheymustbecookedright.Theyshouldfirstbecleaned,thensprinkledwithbreadcrumbs,androasteduntiltheywillcracklebetweentheteeth—crunch,crunch!

SHABELSKI.WehadsomethinggoodatMartha’syesterday:whitemushrooms.

LEBEDIEFF.Youdon’tsayso!

SHABELSKI.And theywere especiallywellprepared, too,withonions andbay-leaves

andspices,youknow.Whenthedishwasopened,theodourthatfloatedoutwassimplyintoxicating!

LEBEDIEFF.Whatdoyousay,gentlemen?Repetatur! [Hedrinks]Goodhealth toyou![Helooksathiswatch]Imustbegoing.Ican’twaitforNicholas.SoyousayMarthagaveyoumushrooms?Wehaven’tseenoneathome.Willyoupleasetellme,Count,whatplotyouarehatchingthattakesyoutoMartha’ssooften?

SHABELSKI.[NoddingatBORKIN]Hewantsmetomarryher.

LEBEDIEFF.Wantsyoutomarryher!Howoldareyou?

SHABELSKI.Sixty-two.

LEBEDIEFF.Really,youarejusttheagetomarry,aren’tyou?AndMarthaisjustsuitedtoyou!

BORKIN.ThisisnotaquestionofMartha,butofMartha’smoney.

LEBEDIEFF.Aren’tyoumoonstruck,anddon’tyouwantthemoontoo?

SHABELSKI.Borkinhereisquiteinearnestaboutit;thecleverfellowissureIshallobeyorders,andmarryMartha.

BORKIN.Whatdoyoumean?Aren’tyousureyourself?

SHABELSKI.Areyoumad?Ineverwassureofanything.Bah!

BORKIN.Manythanks!Iammuchobligedtoyoufortheinformation.Soyouaretryingtofoolme,areyou?FirstyousayyouwillmarryMarthaandthenyousayyouwon’t;thedevilonlyknowswhichyoureallymean,butIhavegivenhermywordofhonourthatyouwill.Soyouhavechangedyourmind,haveyou?

SHABELSKI.Heisactuallyinearnest;whatanextraordinaryman!

BORKIN. [losinghis temper] If that is howyou feel about it,whyhaveyou turned anhonestwoman’shead?Herheartissetonyourtitle,andshecanneithereatnorsleepforthinkingofit.Howcanyoumakeajestofsuchthings?Doyouthinksuchbehaviourishonourable?

SHABELSKI.[Snappinghisfingers]Well,whynotplayher thisshabbytrick,afterall?Eh?Justoutofspite?Ishallcertainlydoit,uponmywordIshall!Whatajokeitwillbe!

EnterLVOFF.

LEBEDIEFF.Webowbeforeyou,Aesculapius![HeshakeshandswithLVOFFandsings]“Doctor,doctor,save,oh,saveme,

Iamscaredtodeathofdying!”

LVOFF.Hasn’tIvanoffcomehomeyet?

LEBEDIEFF.Notyet.Ihavebeenwaitingforhimmyselfforoveranhour.

LVOFFwalksimpatientlyupanddown.

LEBEDIEFF.HowisAnnato-day?

LVOFF.Veryill.

LEBEDIEFF.[Sighing]Mayonegoandpayone’srespectstoher?

LVOFF.No,pleasedon’t.Sheisasleep,Ibelieve.

LEBEDIEFF. She is a lovely, charming woman. [Sighing] The day she fainted at ourhouse,onSasha’sbirthday,Isawthatshehadnotmuchlongertolive,poorthing.Letmesee, why did she faint? When I ran up, she was lying on the floor, ashy white, withNicholasonhiskneesbesideher,andSashawasstandingby themin tears.SashaandIwentaboutalmostcrazyforaweekafterthat.

SHABELSKI. [To LVOFF] Tell me, most honoured disciple of science, what scholardiscovered that the frequent visits of a youngdoctorwere beneficial to ladies sufferingfrom affections of the chest? It is a remarkable discovery, remarkable!Would you callsuchtreatmentAllopathicorHomeopathic?

LVOFFtriestoanswer,butmakesanimpatientgestureinstead,andwalksoutoftheroom.

SHABELSKI.Whatawitheringlookhegaveme!

LEBEDIEFF.Somefiendmustpromptyoutosaysuchthings!Whydidyouoffendhim?

SHABELSKI. [Angrily] Why does he tell such lies? Consumption! No hope! She isdying!Itisnonsense,Ican’tabidehim!

LEBEDIEFF.Whatmakesyouthinkheislying?

SHABELSKI.[Getsupandwalksupanddown]Ican’tbeartothinkthatalivingpersoncoulddielikethat,suddenly,withoutanyreasonatall.Don’tletustalkaboutit!

KOSICHrunsinpanting.

KOSICH.IsIvanoffathome?Howdoyoudo?[Heshakeshandsquicklyallround]Isheathome?

BORKIN.No,heisn’t.

KOSICH. [Sits down and jumps up again] In that case Imust say goodbye; Imust begoing.Business,youknow.Iamabsolutelyexhausted;runoffmyfeet!

LEBEDIEFF.Wheredidyoublowinfrom?

KOSICH.FromBarabanoff’s.HeandIhavebeenplayingcardsallnight;wehaveonlyjust stopped. I havebeen absolutely fleeced; thatBarabanoff is a demon at cards. [In atearfulvoice]Just listen to this: Ihadaheartandhe[Heturns toBORKIN,whojumpsawayfromhim] ledadiamond,andI ledaheart,andhe ledanotherdiamond.Well,hedidn’ttakethetrick.[ToLEBEDIEFF]Wewereplayingthreeinclubs.Ihadtheaceandqueen,andtheaceandtenofspades—

LEBEDIEFF.[Stoppinguphisears]Spareme,forheaven’ssake,spareme!

KOSICH. [ToSHABELSKI]Doyouunderstand? Ihad theaceandqueenofclubs, theaceandtenofspades.

SHABELSKI.[Pusheshimaway]Goaway,Idon’twanttolistentoyou!

KOSICH.Whensuddenlymisfortuneovertookme.Myaceofspadestookthefirsttrick—

SHABELSKI.[Snatchinguparevolver]Leavetheroom,orIshallshoot!

KOSICH.[Wavinghishands]Whatdoesthismean?IsthistheAustralianbush,wherenoonehasanyinterestsincommon?Wherethereisnopublicspirit,andeachmanlivesforhimself alone? However, I must be off. My time is precious. [He shakes hands withLEBEDIEFF]Pass!

Generallaughter.KOSICHgoesout.InthedoorwayherunsintoAVDOTIA.

AVDOTIA.[Shrieks]Badlucktoyou,younearlyknockedmedown.

ALL.Oh,sheisalwayseverywhereatonce!

AVDOTIA.Sothisiswhereyouallare?Ihavebeenlookingforyoualloverthehouse.Good-daytoyou,boys!

[Sheshakeshandswitheverybody.]

LEBEDIEFF.Whatbringsyouhere?

AVDOTIA.Business,myson.[ToSHABELSKI]Businessconnectedwithyourhighness.Shecommandedmetobow.[Shebows]Andtoinquireafteryourhealth.Shetoldmetosay,thelittlebirdie,thatifyoudidnotcometoseeherthiseveningshewouldcryhereyesout.Takehimaside,shesaid,andwhisperinhisear.ButwhyshouldImakeasecretofher message? We are not stealing chickens, but arranging an affair of lawful love bymutualconsentofbothparties.Andnow,althoughIneverdrink,Ishalltakeadropunderthesecircumstances.

LEBEDIEFF.SoshallI.[Hepoursoutthevodka]Youmustbeimmortal,youoldmagpie!YouwereanoldwomanwhenIfirstknewyou,thirtyyearsago.

AVDOTIA.Ihavelostcountoftheyears.Ihaveburiedthreehusbands,andwouldhavemarried a fourth if any one had wanted a woman without a dowry. I have had eightchildren. [She takesup theglass]Well,wehavebegun agoodwork,may it come to agoodend!Theywilllivehappilyeverafter,andweshallenjoytheirhappiness.Loveandgoodlucktothemboth![Shedrinks]Thisisstrongvodka!

SHABELSKI.[laughingloudly,toLEBEDIEFF]Thefunnythingis,theyactuallythinkIam in earnest.How strange! [He gets up]And yet, Paul,why shouldn’t I play her thisshabbytrick?Justoutofspite?Togivethedevilsomethingtodo,eh,Paul?

LEBEDIEFF.Youaretalkingnonsense,Count.YouandImustfixourthoughtsondyingnow;wehaveleftMartha’smoneyfarbehindus;ourdayisover.

SHABELSKI.No,Ishallcertainlymarryher;uponmyword,Ishall!

EnterIVANOFFandLVOFF.

LVOFF.Willyoupleasesparemefiveminutesofyourtime?

LEBEDIEFF.Hallo,Nicholas! [Hegoes tomeet IVANOFF]Howareyou,old friend? Ihavebeenwaitinganhourforyou.

AVDOTIA.[Bows]Howdoyoudo,myson?

IVANOFF.[Bitterly]Soyouhaveturnedmylibraryintoabar-roomagain,haveyou?And

yetIhavebeggedyouallathousandtimesnottodoso![Hegoesuptothetable]There,you see, you have spilt vodka all overmypapers and scattered crumbs and cucumberseverywhere!Itisdisgusting!

LEBEDIEFF. I beg your pardon, Nicholas. Please forgive me. I have something veryimportanttospeaktoyouabout.

BORKIN.SohaveI.

LVOFF.MayIhaveawordwithyou?

IVANOFF. [Pointing to LEBEDIEFF] He wants to speak to me; wait a minute. [ToLEBEDIEFF]Well,whatisit?

LEBEDIEFF.[Totheothers]Excuseme,ladiesandgentlemen,Iwanttospeaktohiminprivate.

SHABELSKIgoesout,followedbyAVDOTIA,BORKIN,andLVOFF.

IVANOFF.Paul,youmaydrinkyourselfasmuchasyouchoose,itisyourweakness,butImustaskyounottomakemyuncletipsy.Heneverusedtodrinkatall;itisbadforhim.

LEBEDIEFF.[Startled]Mydearboy,Ididn’tknowthat!Iwasn’tthinkingofhimatall.

IVANOFF.Ifthisoldbabyshoulddieonmyhandstheblamewouldbemine,notyours.Now,whatdoyouwant?[Apause.]

LEBEDIEFF.Thefactis,Nicholas—Ireallydon’tknowhowIcanputittomakeitseemless brutal—Nicholas, I am ashamedofmyself, I amblushing,my tongue sticks to theroofofmymouth.Mydearboy,putyourselfinmyplace;rememberthatIamnotafreeman,Iamasputtyinthehandsofmywife,aslave—forgiveme!

IVANOFF.Whatdoesthismean?

LEBEDIEFF.Mywifehassentmetoyou;domeafavour,beafriendtome,payhertheinterestonthemoneyyouoweher.Believeme,shehasbeentormentingmeandgoingformetoothandnail.Forheaven’ssake,freeyourselffromherclutches!

IVANOFF.Youknow,Paul,thatIhavenomoneynow.

LEBEDIEFF.Iknow,Iknow,butwhatcanIdo?Shewon’twait.Ifsheshouldsueyouforthemoney,howcouldSashaandIeverlookyouinthefaceagain?

IVANOFF.Iamreadytosinkthroughthefloorwithshame,Paul,butwhere,whereshallIgetthemoney?Tellme,where?ThereisnothingIcandobuttowaituntilIsellmywheatintheautumn.

LEBEDIEFF.[Shrieks]Butshewon’twait![Apause.]

IVANOFF.Your position is very delicate and unpleasant, butmine is evenworse. [Hewalksupanddownindeepthought]Iamatmywit’send,thereisnothingIcansellnow.

LEBEDIEFF.YoumightgotoMulbachandgetsomemoneyfromhim;doesn’theoweyousixtythousandroubles?

IVANOFFmakesadespairinggesture.

LEBEDIEFF.Listentome,Nicholas,Iknowyouwillbeangry,butyoumustforgiveanold drunkard like me. This is between friends; remember I am your friend. We werestudentstogether,bothLiberals;wehadthesameinterestsandideals;westudiedtogetherat the University ofMoscow. It is our AlmaMater. [He takes out his purse] I have aprivatefundhere;notasoulathomeknowsof itsexistence.Letmelendit toyou.[Hetakesoutthemoneyandlaysitonthetable]Forgetyourpride;thisisbetweenfriends!Ishould take it from you, indeed I should! [A pause] There is the money, one hundredthousandroubles.Takeit;gotoheryourselfandsay:“Takethemoney,Zinaida,andmayyouchokeonit.”Only,forheaven’ssake,don’tletherseebyyourmannerthatyougotitfromme, or she would certainly go for me, with her old jam! [He looks intently intoIVANOFF’Sface]There, there,nomatter. [Hequickly takesup themoneyandstuffs itbackintohispocket]Don’ttakeit,Iwasonlyjoking.Forgiveme!Areyouhurt?

IVANOFFwaveshishand.

LEBEDIEFF.Yes, thetruthis—[Hesighs]This isa timeofsorrowandpainforyou.Aman,brother,islikeasamovar;hecannotalwaysstandcoollyonashelf;hotcoalswillbedroppedintohimsomeday,andthen—fizz!Thecomparisonisidiotic,butitisthebestIcanthinkof. [Sighing]Misfortuneswringthesoul,andyetIamnotworriedaboutyou,brother.Wheatgoes through themill,andcomesoutas flour,andyouwillcomesafelythroughyourtroubles;butIamannoyed,Nicholas,andangrywiththepeoplearoundyou.Thewholecountrysideisbuzzingwithgossip;wheredoesitallstart?Theysayyouwillbesoonarrestedforyourdebts,thatyouareabloodthirstymurderer,amonsterofcruelty,arobber.

IVANOFF.Allthatisnothingtome;myheadisaching.

LEBEDIEFF.Becauseyouthinksomuch.

IVANOFF.Ineverthink.

LEBEDIEFF.Come,Nicholas,snapyourfingersatthewholething,anddriveovertovisitus.Sashalovesandunderstandsyou.Sheisasweet,honest,lovelygirl;toogoodtobethechildofhermotherandme!Sometimes,whenIlookather,Icannotbelievethatsuchatreasurecouldbelongtoafatolddrunkardlikeme.Gotoher,talktoher,andlethercheeryou.Sheisagood,true-heartedgirl.

IVANOFF.Paul,mydearfriend,pleasego,andleavemealone.

LEBEDIEFF.Iunderstand,Iunderstand![Heglancesathiswatch]Yes,Iunderstand.[HekissesIVANOFF]Good-bye,Imustgototheblessingoftheschoolnow.[Hegoesasfaras the door, then stops] She is so clever! Sasha and I were talking about gossipingyesterday,andsheflashedoutthisepigram:“Father,”shesaid,“fire-fliesshineatnightsothat thenight-birdsmaymake them their prey, andgoodpeople aremade tobepreyedupon by gossips and slanderers.”What do you think of that? She is a genius, anotherGeorgeSand!

IVANOFF.[Stoppinghimashegoesout]Paul,whatisthematterwithme?

LEBEDIEFF.Ihavewantedtoaskyouthatmyself,butImustconfessIwasashamedto.Idon’tknow,oldchap.SometimesIthinkyourtroubleshavebeentooheavyforyou,andyet I know you are not the kind to give in to them; you would not be overcome by

misfortune.Itmustbesomethingelse,Nicholas,butwhatitmaybeIcan’timagine.

IVANOFF.Ican’timagineeitherwhatthematteris,unless—andyetno—[Apause]Well,do you see, this iswhat Iwanted to say. I used to have aworkman called Simon, yourememberhim.Once,at threshing-time, toshowthegirlshowstronghewas,he loadedhimself with two sacks of rye, and broke his back. He died soon after. I think I havebrokenmybackalso.FirstIwenttoschool,thentotheuniversity,thencamethecaresofthisestate,allmyplans—Ididnotbelievewhatothersdid;didnotmarryasothersdid;Iworkedpassionately,riskedeverything;nooneelse,asyouknow,threwtheirmoneyawayto rightand leftas Idid.So Iheaped theburdensonmyback,and itbroke.Weareallheroes at twenty, ready to attack anything, todo everything, and at thirty areworn-out,uselessmen.How,oh,howdoyouaccountforthisweariness?However,Imaybequitewrong;goaway,Paul,Iamboringyou.

LEBEDIEFF. I knowwhat is thematterwith you, oldman: you got out of bed on thewrongsidethismorning.

IVANOFF.Thatisstupid,Paul,andstale.Goaway!

LEBEDIEFF. It is stupid, certainly. I see that myself now. I am going at once.[LEBEDIEFFgoesout.]

IVANOFF. [Alone] I am a worthless, miserable, useless man. Only a man equallymiserable and suffering, as Paul is, could love or esteemme now. Good God! How Iloathemyself!HowbitterlyIhatemyvoice,myhands,mythoughts,theseclothes,eachstepItake!Howridiculousitis,howdisgusting!LessthanayearagoIwashealthyandstrong,fullofprideandenergyandenthusiasm.Iworkedwiththesehandshere,andmywordscouldmovethedullestmantotears.Icouldweepwithsorrow,andgrowindignantatthesightofwrong.Icouldfeeltheglowofinspiration,andunderstandthebeautyandromance of the silent nights which I used to watch through from evening until dawn,sitting atmyworktable, andgivingupmy soul to dreams. I believed in a bright futurethen,andlookedintoitastrustfullyasachildlooksintoitsmother’seyes.Andnow,oh,itisterrible!Iamtiredandwithouthope;Ispendmydaysandnightsinidleness;Ihavenocontrolovermyfeetorbrain.Myestateisruined,mywoodsarefallingundertheblowsoftheaxe. [Heweeps]Myneglected land looksupatmeas reproachfullyasanorphan. Iexpectnothing,amsorryfornothing;mywholesoultremblesatthethoughtofeachnewday.AndwhatcanI thinkofmytreatmentofSarah?Ipromisedherloveandhappinessforever;Iopenedhereyestothepromiseofafuturesuchasshehadneverevendreamedof.Shebelievedme,andthoughforfiveyearsIhaveseenhersinkingundertheweightofher sacrifices tome, and losing her strength in her struggleswith her conscience,Godknowsshehasnevergivenmeoneangrylook,orutteredonewordofreproach.Whatistheresult?ThatIdon’tloveher!Why?Isitpossible?Canitbetrue?Ican’tunderstand.She is suffering; her days are numbered; yet I fly like a contemptible coward fromherwhiteface,hersunkenchest,herpleadingeyes.Oh,Iamashamed,ashamed![Apause]Sasha,ayounggirl,issorryformeinmymisery.Sheconfessestomethatshelovesme;me, almost anoldman!Whereupon I losemyhead, and exalted as if bymusic, I yell:“Hurrah for a new life and new happiness!” Next day I believe in this new life andhappinessaslittleasIbelieveinmyhappinessathome.Whatisthematterwithme?Whatis this pit I am wallowing in? What is the cause of this weakness? What does this

nervousnesscomefrom?Ifmysickwifewoundsmypride,ifaservantmakesamistake,ifmygunmisses fire, I losemy temper andget violent and altogetherunlikemyself. Ican’t,Ican’tunderstandit;theeasiestwayoutwouldbeabulletthroughthehead!

EnterLVOFF.

LVOFF.Imusthaveanexplanationwithyou,Ivanoff.

IVANOFF.Ifwearegoingtohaveanexplanationeveryday,doctor,weshallneitherofushavethestrengthtostandit.

LVOFF.Willyoubegoodenoughtohearme?

IVANOFF.Ihaveheardallyouhavetoldmeeveryday,andhavefailed todiscoveryetwhatyouwantmetodo.

LVOFF.Ihavealwaysspokenplainlyenough,andonlyanutterlyheartlessandcruelmancouldfailtounderstandme.

IVANOFF.Iknowthatmywife isdying; Iknowthat Ihavesinned irreparably; Iknowthatyouareanhonestman.Whatmorecanyoutellme?

LVOFF. The sight of human cruelty maddensme. The woman is dying and she has amother and father whom she loves, and longs to see oncemore before she dies. Theyknowthatshe isdyingand thatshe loves themstill,butwithdiabolicalcruelty,as if toflaunt their religious zeal, they refuse to see her and forgive her. You are theman forwhomshehassacrificedherhome,herpeaceofmind,everything.YetyouunblushinglygogaddingtotheLebedieffs’everyevening,forreasonsthatareabsolutelyunmistakable!

IVANOFF.Ahme,itistwoweekssinceIwasthere!

LVOFF. [Not listening tohim]Tomen likeyourselfonemust speakplainly, and ifyoudon’twanttohearwhatIhavetosay,youneednotlisten.Ialwayscallaspadeaspade;thetruthis,youwanthertodiesothatthewaymaybeclearedforyourotherschemes.Beitso;butcan’tyouwait?If,insteadofcrushingthelifeoutofyourwifebyyourheartlessegoism,youletherdienaturally,doyouthinkyouwouldloseSashaandSasha’smoney?SuchanabsoluteTartuffeasyouarecouldturnthegirl’sheadandgethermoneyayearfromnowaseasilyasyoucan to-day.Whyareyou insuchahurry?Whydoyouwantyourwifetodienow,insteadofinamonth’stime,orayear’s?

IVANOFF. This is torture! You are a very bad doctor if you think a man can controlhimselfforever.ItisallIcandonottoansweryourinsults.

LVOFF.Lookhere,whomareyoutryingtodeceive?Throwoffthisdisguise!

IVANOFF.Youwhoare so clever, you think thatnothing in theworld is easier than tounderstandme, do you? I married Annie for hermoney, did I? Andwhen her parentswouldn’tgiveittome,Ichangedmyplans,andamnowhustlingheroutoftheworldsothatImaymarryanotherwoman,whowillbringmewhatIwant?Youthinkso,doyou?Oh,howeasyandsimpleitallis!Butyouaremistaken,doctor;ineachoneofustherearetoo many springs, too many wheels and cogs for us to judge each other by firstimpressionsorbytwoorthreeexternalindications.Icannotunderstandyou,youcannotunderstandme,andneitherofuscanunderstandhimself.Amanmaybeasplendiddoctor,

andatthesametimeaverybadjudgeofhumannature;youwilladmitthat,unlessyouaretooself-confident.

LVOFF.Doyoureallythinkthatyourcharacterissomysterious,andthatIamtoostupidtotellvicefromvirtue?

IVANOFF. It is clear that we shall never agree, so letme beg you to answerme nowwithoutanymorepreamble:exactlywhatdoyouwantmetodo?[Angrily]Whatareyouafteranyway?AndwithwhomhaveI thehonourofspeaking?Withmylawyer,orwithmywife’sdoctor?

LVOFF.Iamadoctor,andassuchIdemandthatyouchangeyourconducttowardyourwife;itiskillingher.

IVANOFF. What shall I do? Tell me! If you understand me so much better than Iunderstandmyself,forheaven’ssaketellmeexactlywhattodo!

LVOFF.Inthefirstplace,don’tbesounguardedinyourbehaviour.

IVANOFF.Heavenhelpme,doyoumeantosaythatyouunderstandyourself?[Hedrinkssomewater]Nowgoaway;Iamguiltyathousandtimesover;IshallanswerformysinsbeforeGod;butnothinghasgivenyoutherighttotorturemedailyasyoudo.

LVOFF.Whohasgivenyoutherighttoinsultmysenseofhonour?Youhavemaddenedand poisoned my soul. Before I came to this place I knew that stupid, crazy, deludedpeopleexisted,butIneverimaginedthatanyonecouldbesocriminalastoturnhisminddeliberatelyinthedirectionofwickedness.Ilovedandesteemedhumanitythen,butsinceIhaveknownyou—

IVANOFF.Ihaveheardallthatbefore.

LVOFF.Youhave,haveyou?

He goes out, shrugging his shoulders. He sees SASHA,who comes in at thismomentdressedforriding.

LVOFF.Now,however,Ihopethatwecanunderstandoneanother!

IVANOFF.[Startled]Oh,Sasha,isthatyou?

SASHA.Yes,itisI.Howareyou?Youdidn’texpectme,didyou?Whyhaven’tyoubeentoseeus?

IVANOFF.Sasha,thisisreallyimprudentofyou!Yourcomingwillhaveaterribleeffectonmywife!

SASHA.Shewon’tseeme;Icameinbythebackentrance;Ishallgoinaminute.Iamsoanxiousaboutyou.Tellme,areyouwell?Whyhaven’tyoubeentoseeusforsuchalongtime?

IVANOFF. My wife is offended already, and almost dying, and now you come here;Sasha,Sasha,thisisthoughtlessandunkindofyou.

SASHA.HowcouldIhelpcoming?Itistwoweekssinceyouwereatourhouse,andyouhavenotansweredmyletters.Iimaginedyousufferingdreadfully,orill,ordead.Ihavenotsleptfornights.Iamgoingnow,butfirsttellmethatyouarewell.

IVANOFF. No, I am not well. I am a torment to myself, and every one torments mewithoutend.Ican’tstandit!Andnowyoucomehere.Howmorbidandunnaturalitallis,Sasha.Iamterriblyguilty.

SASHA.Whatdreadful,pitifulspeechesyoumake!Soyouareguilty,areyou?Tellme,then,whatisityouhavedone?

IVANOFFIdon’tknow;Idon’tknow!

SASHA.Thatisnoanswer.Everysinnershouldknowwhatheisguiltyof.Perhapsyouhavebeenforgingmoney?

IVANOFF.Thatisstupid.

SASHA.Orareyouguiltybecauseyounolongerloveyourwife?Perhapsyouare,butnooneismasterofhisfeelings,andyoudidnotmeantostoplovingher.DoyoufeelguiltybecauseshesawmetellingyouthatIloveyou?No,thatcannotbe,becauseyoudidnotwanthertoseeit—

IVANOFF.[Interruptingher]Andsoon,andsoon!FirstyousayIlove,andthenyousayI don’t; that I am not master of my feelings. All these are commonplace, worn-outsentiments,withwhichyoucannothelpme.

SASHA. It is impossible to talk to you. [She looks at a picture on thewall]Howwellthosedogsaredrawn!Weretheydonefromlife?

IVANOFF.Yes,fromlife.Andthiswholeromanceofoursisatediousoldstory;amanlosesheartandbeginstogodownintheworld;agirlappears,braveandstrongofheart,andgiveshimahandtohelphimtoriseagain.Suchsituationsarepretty,buttheyareonlyfoundinnovelsandnotinreallife.

SASHA.No,theyarefoundinreallifetoo.

IVANOFF.Now I see howwell you understand real life!My sufferings seem noble toyou;youimagineyouhavediscoveredinmeasecondHamlet;butmystateofmindinallits phases is only fit to furnish food for contempt and derision. My contortions areridiculous enough tomake any one die of laughter, and youwant to play the guardianangel;youwanttodoanobledeedandsaveme.Oh,howIhatemyselfto-day!Ifeelthatthistensionmustsoonberelievedinsomeway.EitherIshallbreaksomething,orelse—

SASHA.That is exactlywhat youneed.Let yourself go!Smash something; break it topieces;giveayell!Youareangrywithme,itwasfoolishofmetocomehere.Verywell,then,getexcitedaboutit;stormatme;stampyourfeet!Well,aren’tyougettingangry?

IVANOFF.Youridiculousgirl!

SASHA.Splendid!Sowearesmilingatlast!Bekind,domethefavourofsmilingoncemore!

IVANOFF. [Laughing] Ihavenoticed thatwheneveryou start reformingmeand savingmysoul,andteachingmehowtobegood,yourfacegrowsnaive,ohsonaive,andyoureyesgrowaswideas ifyouwere lookingatacomet.Waitamoment;your shoulder iscoveredwithdust.[Hebrusheshershoulder]Anaivemanisnothingbetterthanafool,butyouwomencontrivetobenaiveinsuchawaythatinyouitseemssweet,andgentle,and

proper,andnotassillyasitreallyis.Whatastrangewayyouhave,though,ofignoringamanaslongasheiswellandhappy,andfasteningyourselvestohimassoonashebeginstowhineandgodown-hill!Doyouactually think it isworse tobe thewifeofa strongmanthantonursesomewhimperinginvalid?

SASHA.Yes,itisworse.

IVANOFF.Whydoyouthinkso?[Laughingloudly]ItisagoodthingDarwincan’thearwhatyouaresaying!Hewouldbefuriouswithyoufordegradingthehumanrace.Soon,thankstoyourkindness,onlyinvalidsandhypochondriacswillbebornintotheworld.

SASHA.Thereareagreatmanythingsamancannotunderstand.Anygirlwouldratherlove an unfortunate man than a fortunate one, because every girl would like to dosomething by loving. A man has his work to do, and so for him love is kept in thebackground.Totalktohiswife,towalkwithherinthegarden,topassthetimepleasantlywithher,thatisallthatlovemeanstoaman.Butforus,lovemeanslife.Iloveyou;thatmeansthatIdreamonlyofhowIshallcureyouofyoursadness,howIshallgowithyoutotheendsoftheearth.Ifyouareinheaven,Iaminheaven;ifyouareinthepit,Iaminthepit.Forinstance,itwouldbethegreatesthappinessformetowriteallnightforyou,orto watch all night that no one should wake you. I remember that three years ago, atthreshing time, you came to us all dusty and sunburnt and tired, and asked for a drink.WhenIbroughtyouaglassofwateryouwerealreadylyingonthesofaandsleepinglikeadeadman.Yousleptthereforhalfaday,andallthattimeIwatchedbythedoorthatnooneshoulddisturbyou.HowhappyIwas!Themoreagirlcando, thegreaterher lovewillbe;thatis,Imean,themoreshefeelsit.

IVANOFF.The love that accomplishes things—hm—that is a fairy tale, a girl’s dream;andyet,perhapsitisasitshouldbe.[Heshrugshisshoulders]HowcanItell?[Gaily]Onmyhonour,Sasha,Ireallyamquitearespectableman.Judgeforyourself:Ihavealwayslikedtodiscussthings,butIhaveneverinmylifesaidthatourwomenwerecorrupt,orthatsuchandsuchawomanwasonthedown-hillpath.Ihavealwaysbeengrateful,andnothingmore.No,nothingmore.Dearchild,howcomicalyouare!AndwhataridiculousoldstupidIam!IshockallgoodChristianfolk,andgoaboutcomplainingfrommorningto night. [He laughs and then leaves her suddenly] But you must go, Sasha; we haveforgottenourselves.

SASHA.Yes,itistimetogo.Good-bye.IamafraidthatthathonestdoctorofyourswillhavetoldAnnaoutofasenseofdutythatIamhere.Takemyadvice:goatoncetoyourwifeandstaywithher.Stay,andstay,andstay,andifitshouldbeforayear,youmuststillstay,orfortenyears.Itisyourduty.Youmustrepent,andaskherforgiveness,andweep.Thatiswhatyououghttodo,andthegreatthingisnottoforgettodoright.

IVANOFF.AgainIfeelasifIweregoingcrazy;again!

SASHA.Well,heavenhelpyou!Youmustforgetmeentirely.IntwoweeksyoumustsendmealineandIshallbecontentwiththat.ButIshallwritetoyou—

BORKINlooksinatthedoor.

BORKIN.Ivanoff,mayIcomein?[HeseesSASHA]Ibegyourpardon,Ididnotseeyou.Bonjour![Hebows.]

SASHA.[Embarrassed]Howdoyoudo?

BORKIN.Youareplumperandprettierthanever.

SASHA.[ToIVANOFF]Imustgo,Nicholas,Imustgo.[Shegoesout.]

BORKIN.Whatabeautifulapparition!Icameexpectingproseandfoundpoetryinstead.[Sings]

“Youshowedyourselftotheworldasabird——”

IVANOFFwalksexcitedlyupanddown.

BORKIN.[Sitsdown]Thereissomethinginher,Nicholas,thatonedoesn’tfindinotherwomen, isn’t there?Anelfin strangeness. [He sighs]Although she iswithoutdoubt therichest girl in the country, hermother is so stingy that no onewill have her.After hermother’sdeathSashawillhavethewholefortune,butuntilthenshewillonlygivehertenthousandroublesandanoldflat-iron,andtogetthatshewillhavetohumbleherselftotheground. [He feels in his pockets] Will you have a smoke? [He offers IVANOFF hiscigarettecase]Theseareverygood.

IVANOFF.[ComestowardBORKINstifledwithrage]Leavemyhousethisinstant,anddon’tyoueverdaretosetfootinitagain!Gothisinstant!

BORKINgetsupanddropshiscigarette.

IVANOFF.Goatonce!

BORKIN.Nicholas,whatdoyoumean?Whyareyousoangry?

IVANOFF.Why!Where did youget those cigarettes?Where?You thinkperhaps that Idon’tknowwhereyoutaketheoldmaneveryday,andforwhatpurpose?

BORKIN.[Shrugshisshoulders]Whatbusinessisitofyours?

IVANOFF.Youblackguard,you!Thedisgraceful rumours thatyouhavebeenspreadingaboutmehavemademedisreputableintheeyesofthewholecountryside.YouandIhavenothingincommon,andIaskyoutoleavemyhousethisinstant.

BORKIN.Iknowthatyouaresayingall this inamomentof irritation,andsoIamnotangrywithyou. Insultmeasmuchasyouplease. [Hepicksuphis cigarette] It is timethough,toshakeoffthismelancholyofyours;you’renotaschoolboy.

IVANOFF.WhatdidItellyou?[Shuddering]Areyoumakingfunofme?

EnterANNA.

BORKIN.Therenow,therecomesAnna!Ishallgo.

IVANOFFstopsnearthetableandstandswithhisheadbowed.

ANNA.[Afterapause]Whatdidshecomeherefor?Whatdidshecomeherefor,Iaskyou?

IVANOFF.Don’taskme,Annie.[Apause]Iamterriblyguilty.Thinkofanypunishmentyouwanttoinflictonme;Icanstandanything,butdon’t,oh,don’taskquestions!

ANNA.[Angrily]Sothatisthesortofmanyouare?NowIunderstandyou,andcansee

howdegraded,howdishonourableyouare!Doyourememberthatyoucametomeonceand lied tomeaboutyour love? Ibelievedyou,and leftmymother,myfather,andmyfaithtofollowyou.Yes,youliedtomeofgoodnessandhonour,ofyournobleaspirationsandIbelievedeveryword——

IVANOFF.Ihaveneverliedtoyou,Annie.

ANNA. Ihave livedwithyou fiveyearsnow,and Iam tiredand ill,but Ihavealwayslovedyouandhaveneverleftyouforamoment.Youhavebeenmyidol,andwhathaveyoudone?Allthistimeyouhavebeendeceivingmeinthemostdastardlyway——

IVANOFF.Annie,don’tsaywhatisn’tso.Ihavemademistakes,butIhavenevertoldalieinmylife.Youdarenotaccusemeofthat!

ANNA.It isallcleartomenow.Youmarriedmebecauseyouexpectedmymotherandfathertoforgivemeandgiveyoumymoney;thatiswhatyouexpected.

IVANOFF.GoodLord,Annie!IfImustsufferlikethis,Imusthavethepatiencetobearit.[Hebeginstoweep.]

ANNA. Be quiet! When you found that I wasn’t bringing you any money, you triedanothergame.NowIrememberandunderstandeverything.[Shebeginstocry]Youhaveneverlovedmeorbeenfaithfultome—never!

IVANOFF.Sarah!Thatisalie!Saywhatyouwant,butdon’tinsultmewithalie!

ANNA.Youdishonest,degradedman!YouowemoneytoLebedieff,andnow,toescapepayingyourdebts,youaretryingtoturntheheadofhisdaughterandbetrayherasyouhavebetrayedme.Canyoudenyit?

IVANOFF.[Stifledwithrage]Forheaven’ssake,bequiet!Ican’tanswerforwhatImaydo!IamchokingwithrageandI—Imightinsultyou!

ANNA.Iamnottheonlyonewhomyouhavebaselydeceived.YouhavealwaysblamedBorkinforallyourdishonesttricks,butnowIknowwhosetheyare.

IVANOFF.Sarah,stopatonceandgoaway,orelseIshallsaysomethingterrible.Ilongtosayadreadful,cruelthing[Heshrieks]Holdyourtongue,Jewess!

ANNA.Iwon’tholdmytongue!Youhavedeceivedmetoolongformetobesilentnow.

IVANOFF.Soyouwon’tbequiet?[Hestruggleswithhimself]Go,forheaven’ssake!

ANNA.Gonow,andbetraySasha!

IVANOFF.Knowthenthatyou—aredying!Thedoctortoldmethatyouaredying.

ANNA.[Sitsdownandspeaksinalowvoice]Whendidhe

IVANOFF. [Clutches his headwith both hands]Oh, howguilty I am—howguilty! [Hesobs.]

Thecurtainfalls.

Aboutayearpassesbetweenthethirdandfourthacts.

ACTIV

Asitting-roominLEBEDIEFF’Shouse.Inthemiddleofthewallatthebackoftheroomis an arch dividing the sitting-room from the ballroom.To the right and left are doors.Someoldbronzesareplacedabout the room; familyportraitsarehangingon thewalls.Everythingisarrangedasifforsomefestivity.Onthepianoliesaviolin;nearitstandsavioloncello.Duringtheentireactguests,dressedasforaball,areseenwalkingaboutintheball-room.

EnterLVOFF,lookingathiswatch.

LVOFF.Itisfiveo’clock.Theceremonymusthavebegun.Firstthepriestwillblessthem,and then they will be led to the church to be married. Is this how virtue and justicetriumph?NotbeingabletorobSarah,hehastorturedhertodeath;andnowhehasfoundanothervictimwhomhewilldeceiveuntilhehasrobbedher,andthenhewillgetridofherashegotridofpoorSarah.Itisthesameoldsordidstory.[Apause]Hewilllivetoafineoldageintheseventhheavenofhappiness,andwilldiewithaclearconscience.No,Ivanoff, it shall not be! I shall drag your villainy to light! And when I tear off thataccursedmaskofyoursandshowyoutotheworldas theblackguardyouare,youshallcomeplungingdownheadfirstfromyourseventhheaven,intoapitsodeepthatthedevilhimselfwill not be able to drag you out of it! I am aman of honour; it ismy duty tointerfereinsuchcasesasyours,andtoopentheeyesoftheblind.Ishallfulfilmymission,andto-morrowwillfindmefarawayfromthisaccursedplace.[Thoughtfully]ButwhatshallIdo?TohaveanexplanationwithLebedieffwouldbeahopelesstask.ShallImakeascandal,andchallengeIvanofftoaduel?Iamasexcitedasachild,andhaveentirelylostthepowerofplanninganything.WhatshallIdo?ShallIfightaduel?

EnterKOSICH.HegoesgailyuptoLVOFF.

KOSICH. I declared a little slam in clubsyesterday, andmadeagrand slam!Only thatmanBarabanoffspoiltthewholegameformeagain.Wewereplaying—well,Isaid“Notrumps”andhesaid“Pass.”“Twoinclubs,”hepassedagain.Imadeittwoinhearts.Hesaid“Threeinclubs,”andjustimagine,canyou,whathappened?Ideclaredalittleslamandhenevershowedhisace!Ifhehadshowedhisace,thevillain,Ishouldhavedeclaredagrandslaminnotrumps!

LVOFF. Excuse me, I don’t play cards, and so it is impossible for me to share yourenthusiasm.Whendoestheceremonybegin?

KOSICH.Atonce,Ithink.TheyarenowbringingZuzutoherselfagain.Sheisbellowinglikeabull;shecan’tbeartoseethemoneygo.

LVOFF.Andwhataboutthedaughter?

KOSICH.No, it is themoney. She doesn’t like this affair anyway.He ismarrying herdaughter,andthatmeanshewon’tpayhisdebtsforalongtime.Onecan’tsueone’sson-in-law.

MARTHA,verymuchdressedup,strutsacrossthestagepastLVOFFandKOSICH.The

latterburstsoutlaughingbehindhishand.MARTHAlooksaround.

MARTHA.Idiot!

KOSICHdigsherintheribsandlaughsloudly.

MARTHA.Boor!

KOSICH.[Laughing]Thewoman’sheadhasbeenturned.Beforeshefixedhereyeonatitle shewas like any otherwoman, but there is no coming near her now! [Angrily]Aboor,indeed!

LVOFF.[Excitedly]Listentome;tellmehonestly,whatdoyouthinkofIvanoff?

KOSICH.He’snogoodatall.Heplayscards likea lunatic.This iswhathappened lastyearduringLent:I,theCount,Borkinandhe,satdowntoagameofcards.Ileda——

LVOFF[Interruptinghim]Isheagoodman?

KOSICH.He?Yes,he’sagoodone!Heand theCountareapairof trumps.Theyhavekeen noses for a good game. First, Ivanoff set his heart on the Jewess, then,when hisschemes failed in that quarter, he turned his thoughts toward Zuzu’s money-bags. I’llwageryouhe’llruinZuzuinayear.HewillruinZuzu,andtheCountwillruinMartha.Theywillgatherupallthemoneytheycanlayhandson,andlivehappilyeverafter!But,doctor,whyareyousopaleto-day?Youlooklikeaghost.

LVOFF.Oh,it’snothing.Idrankalittletoomuchyesterday.

EnterLEBEDIEFFwithSASHA.

LEBEDIEFF.We can have our talk here. [To LVOFF andKOSICH]Go into the ball-room,youtwooldfogies,andtalktothegirls.SashaandIwanttotalkalonehere.

KOSICH.[SnappinghisfingersenthusiasticallyashegoesbySASHA]Whatapicture!Aqueenoftrumps!

LEBEDIEFF.Goalong,youoldcave-dweller;goalong.

KOSICHandLVOFFgoout.

LEBEDIEFF.Sitdown,Sasha, there—[Hesitsdownandlooksabouthim]Listentomeattentivelyandwithproperrespect.Thefactis,yourmotherhasaskedmetosaythis,doyouunderstand?Iamnotspeakingformyself.Yourmothertoldmetospeaktoyou.

SASHA.Papa,dosayitbriefly!

LEBEDIEFF.Whenyouaremarriedwemeantogiveyoufifteenthousandroubles.Pleasedon’tletushaveanydiscussionaboutitafterward.Wait,now!Bequiet!Thatisonlythebeginning.Thebestisyettocome.Wehaveallottedyoufifteenthousandroubles,butinconsideration of the fact that Nicholas owes yourmother nine thousand, that sumwillhavetobedeductedfromtheamountwemeantogiveyou.Verywell.Now,besidethat——

SASHA.Whydoyoutellmeallthis?

LEBEDIEFF.Yourmothertoldmeto.

SASHA. Leaveme in peace! If you had any respect for yourself orme you could notpermityourselftospeaktomeinthisway.Idon’twantyourmoney!Ihavenotaskedforit,andnevershall.

LEBEDIEFF.Whatareyouattackingmefor?ThetworatsinGogol’sfablesniffedfirstandthenranaway,butyouattackwithoutevensniffing.

SASHA.Leavemeinpeace,anddonotoffendmyearswithyourtwo-pennycalculations.

LEBEDIEFF.[Losinghistemper]Bah!Youall,everyoneofyou,doallyoucantomakemecutmy throatorkill somebody.Oneofyouscreechesandfussesalldayandcountsevery penny, and the other is so clever and humane and emancipated that she cannotunderstandherownfather!Ioffendyourears,doI?Don’tyourealisethatbeforeIcamehere to offend your ears Iwas being torn to pieces over there, [He points to the door]literallydrawnandquartered?Soyoucannotunderstand?YoutwohaveaddledmybraintillIamutterlyatmywits’end;indeedIam![Hegoestowardthedoor,andstops]Idon’tlikethisbusinessatall;Idon’tlikeanythingaboutyou—

SASHA.Whatisit,especially,thatyoudon’tlike?

LEBEDIEFF.Everything,everything!

SASHA.Whatdoyoumeanbyeverything?

LEBEDIEFF.LetmeexplainexactlywhatImean.Everythingdispleasesme.Asforyourmarriage,Isimplycan’tabideit.[HegoesuptoSASHAandspeakscaressingly]Forgiveme, littleSasha, thismarriagemaybeawiseone; itmaybehonest andnotmisguided,nevertheless,thereissomethingaboutthewholeaffairthatisnotright;no,notright!Youarenotmarryingasothergirlsdo;youareyoungandfreshandpureasadropofwater,andheisawidower,batteredandworn.Heavenhelphim.Idon’tunderstandhimatall.[Hekisseshisdaughter]Forgivemeforsayingso,Sasha,butIamsurethereissomethingcrookedaboutthisaffair;itismakingagreatdealoftalk.ItseemspeoplearesayingthatfirstSarahdied,andthensuddenlyIvanoffwantedtomarryyou.[Quickly]But,no,Iamlikeanoldwoman;Iamgossipinglikeamagpie.Youmustnotlistentomeoranyone,onlytoyourownheart.

SASHA.Papa,Ifeelmyselfthatthereissomethingwrongaboutmymarriage.Somethingwrong,yes,wrong!Oh,ifyouonlyknewhowheavymyheartis;thisisunbearable!Iamfrightened and ashamed to confess this; Papa darling, youmust help me, for heaven’ssake.Oh,can’tyoutellmewhatIshoulddo?

LEBEDIEFF.Whatisthematter,Sasha,whatisit?

SASHA.Iamsofrightened,morefrightenedthanIhaveeverbeenbefore.[Sheglancesaroundher]Icannotunderstandhimnow,andInevershall.Hehasnotsmiledorlookedstraight intomyeyesonce sincewehavebeenengaged.He is forevercomplainingandapologisingforsomething;hintingatsomecrimeheisguiltyof,andtrembling.Iamsotired!ThereareevenmomentswhenIthink—Ithink—thatIdonotlovehimasIshould,andwhenhecomestoseeus,ortalkstome,Igetsotired!Whatdoesitmean,dearfather?Iamafraid.

LEBEDIEFF.Mydarling,myonlychild,doasyouroldfatheradvisesyou;givehimup!

SASHA.[Frightened]Oh!Howcanyousaythat?

LEBEDIEFF.Yes,doit,littleSasha!Itwillmakeascandal,allthetonguesinthecountrywillbewaggingaboutit,butitisbettertolivedownascandalthantoruinone’slife.

SASHA.Don’t say that, father.Oh, don’t. I refuse to listen! Imust crush such gloomythoughts. He is good and unhappy and misunderstood. I shall love him and learn tounderstandhim.Ishallsethimonhisfeetagain.Ishalldomyduty.Thatissettled.

LEBEDIEFF.Thisisnotyourduty,butadelusion—

SASHA.Wehave said enough. I haveconfessed things toyou that I havenotdared toadmiteventomyself.Don’tspeakaboutthistoanyone.Letusforgetit.

LEBEDIEFF.Iamhopelesslypuzzled,andeithermymindisgoingfromoldageorelseyouhaveallgrownveryclever,butI’llbehangedifIunderstandthisbusinessatall.

EnterSHABELSKI.

SHABELSKI.Confoundyouallandmyself,too!Thisismaddening!

LEBEDIEFF.Whatdoyouwant?

SHABELSKISeriously,Imustreallydosomethinghorridandrascally,sothatnotonlyIbuteverybodyelsewillbedisgustedbyit.Icertainlyshallfindsomethingtodo,uponmywordIshall!IhavealreadytoldBorkintoannouncethatIamtobemarried.[Helaughs]EverybodyisascoundrelandImustbeonetoo!

LEBEDIEFF. I am tiredofyou,Matthew.Lookhere,manyou talk in suchaway that,excusemysayingso,youwillsoonfindyourselfinalunaticasylum!

SHABELSKI.Coulda lunaticasylumpossiblybeworse than thishouse,oranyother?Kindly takeme there atonce.Pleasedo!Everybody iswickedand futile andworthlessandstupid;Iamanobjectofdisgusttomyself,Idon’tbelieveawordIsay——-

LEBEDIEFF.Letmegiveyouapieceofadvice,oldman;fillyourmouthfulloftow,lightit,andblowateverybody.Or,betterstill,takeyourhatandgohome.Thisisawedding,weallwanttoenjoyourselvesandyouarecroakinglikearaven.Yes,really.

SHABELSKIleansonthepianoandbeginstosob.

LEBEDIEFF.Goodgracious,Matthew,Count!Whatisit,dearMatthew,oldfriend?HaveIoffendedyou?There,forgiveme;Ididn’tmeantohurtyou.Come,drinksomewater.

SHABELSKI.Idon’twantanywater.[Raiseshishead.]

LEBEDIEFF.Whatareyoucryingabout?

SHABELSKI.Nothinginparticular;Iwasjustcrying.

LEBEDIEFF.Matthew,tellmethetruth,whatisit?Whathashappened?

SHABELSKI.Icaughtsightofthatvioloncello,and—and—IrememberedtheJewess.

LEBEDIEFF.Whatanunfortunatemomentyouhavechosen torememberher.Peacebewithher!Butdon’tthinkofhernow.

SHABELSKI.Weusedtoplayduetstogether.Shewasabeautiful,agloriouswoman.

SASHAsobs.

LEBEDIEFF.What, are you crying too? Stop, Sasha! Dearme, they are both howlingnow,andI—andI—Dogoaway;theguestswillseeyou!

SHABELSKI. Paul,when the sun is shining, it is gay even in a cemetery.One can becheerful even in old age if it is lightedbyhope; but I havenothing to hope for—not athing!

LEBEDIEFF.Yes,itisrathersadforyou.Youhavenochildren,nomoney,nooccupation.Well, butwhat is there tobedone about it? [ToSASHA]What is thematterwithyou,Sasha?

SHABELSKI.Paul,givemesomemoney.Iwillrepayyouinthenextworld.IwouldgotoParisandseemywife’sgrave.Ihavegivenawayagreatdealofmoneyinmylife,halfmyfortuneindeed,andIhavearighttoaskforsomenow.Besides,Iamaskingafriend.

LEBEDIEFF.[Embarrassed]Mydearboy,Ihaven’tapenny.Allrightthough.Thatistosay,Ican’tpromiseanything,butyouunderstand—verywell,verywell. [Aside]This isagony!

EnterMARTHA.

MARTHA.Whereismypartner?Count,howdareyouleavemealone?Youarehorrid![ShetapsSHABELSKIonthearmwithherfan]

SHABELSKI.[Impatiently]Leavemealone!Ican’tabideyou!

MARTHA.[Frightened]How?What?

SHABELSKI.Goaway!

MARTHA.[Sinksintoanarm-chair]Oh!Oh!Oh![Sheburstsintotears.]

EnterZINAIDAcrying.

ZINAIDA. Some one has just arrived; it must be one of the ushers. It is time for theceremonytobegin.

SASHA.[Imploringly]Mother!

LEBEDIEFF.Well,nowyouareallbawling.Whataquartette!Come,come,don’tletushaveanymoreofthisdampness!Matthew!Martha!Ifyougoonlikethis,I—I—shallcrytoo.[Burstsintotears]Heavens!

ZINAIDA.Ifyoudon’tneedyourmotheranymore,ifyouaredeterminednottoobeyher,Ishallhavetodoasyouwant,andyouhavemyblessing.

EnterIVANOFF,dressedinalongcoat,withgloveson.

LEBEDIEFFThisisthefinishingtouch!Whatdoyouwant?

SHABELSKI.Whyareyouhere?

IVANOFF.Ibegyourpardon,youmustallowmetospeaktoSashaalone.

LEBEDIEFF.Thebridegroommustnot come to see thebridebefore thewedding. It istimeforyoutogotothechurch.

IVANOFF.Paul,Iimploreyou.

LEBEDIEFF shrugs his shoulders. LEBEDIEFF, ZINAIDA, SHABELSKI, andMARTHAgoout.

SASHA.[Sternly]Whatdoyouwant?

IVANOFF. I am choking with anger; I cannot speak calmly. Listen to me; as I wasdressing justnowfor thewedding, I looked in theglassand sawhowgreymy templeswere.Sasha,thismustnotbe!Letusendthissenselesscomedybeforeitistoolate.Youareyoungandpure;youhaveallyourlifebeforeyou,butI——

SASHA.The sameold story; I haveheard it a thousand times and I am tiredof it.Goquicklytothechurchanddon’tkeepeverybodywaiting!

IVANOFF.Ishallgostraighthome,andyoumustexplain toyour familysomehowthatthereistobenowedding.Explainitasyouplease.Itistimewecametooursenses.IhavebeenplayingthepartofHamletandyouhavebeenplayingthepartofanobleanddevotedgirl.Wehavekeptupthefarcelongenough.

SASHA.[Losinghertemper]Howcanyouspeaktomelikethis?Iwon’thaveit.

IVANOFF.ButIamspeaking,andwillcontinuetospeak.

SASHA.What do youmean by coming tome like this?Yourmelancholy has becomeabsolutelyridiculous!

IVANOFF.No,thisisnotmelancholy.Itisridiculous,isit?Yes,Iamlaughing,andifitwerepossibleformetolaughatmyselfathousandtimesmorebitterlyIshoulddosoandsetthewholeworldlaughing,too,inderision.Afiercelighthassuddenlybrokenovermysoul;asI lookedintotheglass justnow,I laughedatmyself,andnearlywentmadwithshame. [He laughs] Melancholy indeed! Noble grief! Uncontrollable sorrow! It onlyremains for me now to begin to write verses! Shall I mope and complain, saddeneverybody I meet, confess that my manhood has gone forever, that I have decayed,outlivedmypurpose, that Ihavegivenmyselfup tocowardiceandamboundhandandfoot by this loathsomemelancholy? Shall I confess all thiswhen the sun is shining sobrightlyandwheneventheantsarecarryingtheirlittleburdensinpeacefulself-content?No, thanks. Can I endure the knowledge that onewill look uponme as a fraud,whileanother pities me, a third lends me a helping hand, or worst of all, a fourth listensreverentlytomysighs,looksuponmeasanewMahomet,andexpectsmetoexpoundanewreligioneverymoment?No, thankGodfor theprideandconsciencehehasleftmestill.OnmywayhereIlaughedatmyself,anditseemedtomethattheflowersandbirdswerelaughingmockinglytoo.

SASHA.Thisisnotanger,butmadness!

IVANOFF.Youthinkso,doyou?No,Iamnotmad.Iseethingsintheirrightlightnow,andmymind is as clear asyourconscience.We loveeachother,butwe shallneverbemarried.ItmakesnodifferencehowIraveandgrowbitterbymyself,butIhavenorighttodraganotherdownwithme.Mymelancholyrobbedmywifeofthelastyearofherlife.Sinceyouhavebeenengagedtomeyouhaveforgottenhowtolaughandhaveagedfiveyears.Yourfather,towhomlifewasalwayssimpleandclear,thankstome,isnowunable

tounderstandanybody.WhereverIgo,whetherhuntingorvisiting,itmakesnodifference,Icarrydepression,dulness,anddiscontentalongwithme.Wait!Don’tinterruptme!Iambitterandharsh,Iknow,butIamstifledwithrage.Icannotspeakotherwise.Ihaveneverlied, and I never used to find faultwithmy lot, but since I have begun to complain ofeverything,Ifindfaultwithit involuntarily,andagainstmywill.WhenImurmuratmyfateeveryonewhohearsmeisseizedwiththesamedisgustoflifeandbeginstogrumbletoo.AndwhatastrangewayIhaveof lookingat things!Exactlyas if Iweredoing theworldafavourbylivinginit.Oh,Iamcontemptible.

SASHA.Waitamoment.Fromwhatyouhavejustsaid,itisobviousthatyouaretiredofyour melancholymood, and that the time has come for you to begin life afresh. Howsplendid!

IVANOFF. Idon’t seeanythingsplendidabout it.Howcan I leadanew life? I am lostforever.Itistimewebothunderstoodthat.Anewlifeindeed!

SASHA.Nicholas, come to your senses.How can you say you are lost?What do youmeanbysuchcynicism?No,Iwon’tlistentoyouortalkwithyou.Gotothechurch!

IVANOFF.Iamlost!

SASHA.Don’ttalksoloud;ourguestswillhearyou!

IVANOFF.Ifanintelligent,educated,andhealthymanbeginstocomplainofhislotandgodown-hill,thereisnothingforhimtodobuttogoondownuntilhereachesthebottom—there is no hope for him. Where could my salvation come from? How can I savemyself?Icannotdrink,becauseitmakesmyheadache.Inevercouldwritebadpoetry.Icannot pray for strength and see anything lofty in the languor ofmy soul. Laziness islazinessandweaknessweakness.Icanfindnoothernamesforthem.Iamlost,Iamlost;thereisnodoubtofthat.[Lookingaround]Someonemightcomein;listen,Sasha,ifyoulovemeyoumusthelpme.Renouncemethisminute;quickly!

SASHA.Oh,Nicholas!Ifyouonlyknewhowyouaretorturingme;whatagonyIhavetoendureforyoursake!Goodthoughtfulfriend,judgeforyourself;canIpossiblysolvesuchaproblem?Eachdayyouputsomehorribleproblembeforeme,eachonemoredifficultthanthelast.Iwantedtohelpyouwithmylove,butthisismartyrdom!

IVANOFF.Andwhenyouaremywifetheproblemswillbeharderthanever.Understandthis:itisnotlovethatisurgingyoutotakethisstep,buttheobstinacyofanhonestnature.You have undertaken to reawaken theman inme and to saveme in the face of everydifficulty,andyouareflatteredbythehopeofachievingyourobject.Youarewillingtogive up now, but you are prevented from doing it by a feeling that is a false one.Understandyourself!

SASHA.What strange,wild reasoning!Howcan I give you up now?Howcan I?Youhavenomother,orsister,orfriends.Youareruined;yourestatehasbeendestroyed;everyoneisspeakingillofyou—

IVANOFF.Itwasfoolishofmetocomehere;IshouldhavedoneasIwantedto—

EnterLEBEDIEFF.

SASHA.[Runningtoherfather]Father!Hehasrushedoverherelikeamadman,andis

torturingme!HeinsiststhatIshouldrefusetomarryhim;hesayshedoesn’twanttodragmedownwithhim.TellhimthatIwon’taccepthisgenerosity.IknowwhatIamdoing!

LEBEDIEFF.Ican’tunderstandawordofwhatyouaresaying.Whatgenerosity?

IVANOFF.Thismarriageisnotgoingtotakeplace.

SASHA.Itisgoingtotakeplace.Papa,tellhimthatitisgoingtotakeplace.

LEBEDIEFF.Wait!Wait!Whatobjectionhaveyoutothemarriage?

IVANOFF.Ihaveexplaineditalltoher,butsherefusestounderstandme.

LEBEDIEFF.Don’texplainittoher,buttome,andexplainitsothatImayunderstand.Godforgiveyou,Nicholas,youhavebroughtagreatdealofdarknessintoourlives.IfeelasifIwerelivinginamuseum;Ilookaboutmeanddon’tunderstandanythingIsee.Thisistorture.Whatonearthcananoldmanlikemedowithyou?ShallIchallengeyoutoaduel?

IVANOFF.There isnoneedof aduel.Allyouneed is aheadonyour shoulders andaknowledgeoftheRussianlanguage.

SASHA.[Walksupanddowningreatexcitement]Thisisdreadful,dreadful!Absolutelychildish.

LEBEDIEFF.Listentome,Nicholas;fromyourpointofviewwhatyouaredoingisquiterightandproper,accordingtotherulesofpsychology,butIthinkthisaffairisascandalandagreatmisfortune.Iamanoldman;hearmeoutforthelasttime.ThisiswhatIwanttosaytoyou:calmyourself;lookatthingssimply,aseveryoneelsedoes;thisisasimpleworld.Theceilingiswhite;yourbootsareblack;sugarissweet.YouloveSashaandshelovesyou.Ifyouloveher,staywithher;ifyoudon’t,leaveher.Weshan’tblameyou.Itisallperfectlysimple.Youaretwohealthy,intelligent,moralyoungpeople;thankGod,youbothhavefoodandclothing—whatmoredoyouwant?Whatifyouhavenomoney?Thatis no great misfortune—happiness is not bought with wealth. Of course your estate ismortgaged,Nicholas,asIknow,andyouhavenomoneytopaytheinterestonthedebt,butIamSasha’sfather.Iunderstand.Hermothercandoasshelikes—ifshewon’tgiveanymoney,why, confoundher, then sheneedn’t, that’s all!Sashahas just said that shedoes notwant her part of it.As for your principles, Schopenhauer and all that, it is allfolly.Ihaveonehundredthousandroublesinthebank.[Lookingaroundhim]Notasoulinthehouseknowsit;itwasmygrandmother’smoney.Thatshallbeforyouboth.Takeit,giveMatthewtwothousand—

[Theguestsbegintocollectintheball-room].

IVANOFF.Itisnousediscussingitanymore,Imustactasmyconsciencebidsme.

SASHA. And I shall act asmy conscience bidsme—youmay say what you please; Irefusetoletyougo!Iamgoingtocallmymother.

LEBEDIEFF.Iamutterlypuzzled.

IVANOFF.Listentome,pooroldfriend.Ishallnottrytoexplainmyselftoyou.IshallnottellyouwhetherIamhonestorarascal,healthyormad;youwouldn’tunderstandme.Iwasyoungonce;Ihavebeeneagerandsincereandintelligent.Ihavelovedandhated

andbelieved as noone else has. I haveworked andhoped and tilted againstwindmillswiththestrengthoften—notsparingmystrength,notknowingwhatlifewas.Ishouldereda load that broke my back. I drank, I worked, I excited myself, my energy knew nobounds.Tellme,couldIhavedoneotherwise?Therearesofewofusandsomuchtodo,somuchtodo!Andseehowcruellyfatehasrevengedherselfonme,whofoughtwithhersobravely!Iamabrokenman.Iamoldatthirty.Ihavesubmittedmyselftooldage.Withaheavyheadandasluggishmind,weary,usedup,discouraged,withoutfaithorloveoranobjectinlife,Iwanderlikeashadowamongothermen,notknowingwhyIamaliveorwhat it is that I want. Love seems tome to be folly, caresses false. I see no sense inworkingorplaying,andallpassionatespeechesseeminsipidandtiresome.SoIcarrymysadnesswithmewhereverIgo;acoldweariness,adiscontent,ahorroroflife.Yes,Iamlostforeverandever.Beforeyoustandsamanwhoatthirty-fiveisdisillusioned,weariedbyfruitlessefforts,burningwithshame,andmockingathisownweakness.Oh,howmypriderebelsagainstitall!Whatmadfurychokesme![Hestaggers]Iamstaggering—mystrengthisfailingme.WhereisMatthew?Lethimtakemehome.

[Voicesfromtheball-room]Thebestmanhasarrived!

EnterSHABELSKI.

SHABELSKI.Inanoldworn-outcoat—withoutgloves!HowmanyscornfulglancesIgetforit!Suchsillyjokesandvulgargrins!Disgustingpeople.

EnterBORKINquickly.Heiscarryingabunchofflowersandisinadress-coat.Hewearsaflowerinhisbuttonhole.

BORKIN.Thisisdreadful!Whereishe?[ToIVANOFF]Theyhavebeenwaitingforyouforalongtimeinthechurch,andhereyouaretalkingphilosophy!Whatafunnychapyouare.Don’tyouknowyoumustnotgotochurchwiththebride,butalone,withme?Ishallthencomebackforher.Isitpossibleyouhavenotunderstoodthat?Youcertainlyareanextraordinaryman!

EnterLVOFF.

LVOFF.[ToIVANOFF]Ah!Soyouarehere?[Loudly]NicholasIvanoff,Idenounceyoutotheworldasascoundrel!

IVANOFF.[Coldly]Manythanks!

BORKIN.[ToLVOFF]Sir,thisisdastardly!Ichallengeyoutoaduel!

LVOFF.MonsieurBorkin,Icountitadisgracenotonlytofightwithyou,buteventotalkto you! Monsieur Ivanoff, however, can receive satisfaction from me whenever hechooses!

SHABELSKI.Sir,Ishallfightyou!

SASHA. [ToLVOFF]Why, ohwhy, haveyou insultedhim?Gentlemen, I begyou, lethimtellmewhyhehasinsultedhim.

LVOFF.Miss Sasha, I have not insulted him without cause. I came here as a man ofhonour,toopenyoureyes,andIbegyoutolistentowhatIhavetotellyou.

SASHA.What can you possibly have to tellme? That you are aman of honour? The

wholeworld knows it.You had better tellme on your honourwhether you understandwhatyouhavedoneornot.Youhavecomeinhereasamanofhonourandhaveinsultedhim so terribly that you have nearly killed me. When you used to follow him like ashadowandalmostkeephimfromliving,youwereconvincedthatyouweredoingyourdutyand thatyouwereacting likeamanofhonour.Whenyou interfered inhisprivateaffairs,malignedhimandcriticisedhim;whenyousentmeandwhomeverelseyoucould,anonymous letters, you imaginedyourself to be anhonourableman!And, thinking thatthat toowashonourable,you, adoctor, didnot even sparehisdyingwifeorgiveher amoment’s peace fromyour suspicions.Andnomatterwhat violence,what cruelwrongyou committed, you still imagined yourself to be an unusually honourable and clear-sightedman.

IVANOFF.[Laughing]Thisisnotawedding,butaparliament!Bravo!Bravo!

SASHA.[ToLVOFF]Now,thinkitover!Doyouseewhatsortofamanyouare,ornot?Oh, the stupid, heartless people! [Takes IVANOFFby the hand]Come away fromhereNicholas!Come,father,letusgo!

IVANOFF.Whereshallwego?Waitamoment.Ishallsoonputanendtothewholething.Myyouthisawakeinmeagain;theformerIvanoffishereoncemore.

[Hetakesoutarevolver.]

SASHA.[Shrieking]Iknowwhathewantstodo!Nicholas,forGod’ssake!

IVANOFF.Ihavebeenslippingdown-hilllongenough.Now,halt!Itistimetoknowwhathonouris.Outoftheway!Thankyou,Sasha!

SASHA.[Shrieking]Nicholas!ForGod’ssakeholdhim!

IVANOFF.Letgo![Herushesaside,andshootshimself.]

Thecurtainfalls.