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It’s Not My Kid! It’s You

People! Building Positive Relationships with Parents

Presented by

Angela Searcy, M.S.

asearcya@aol.com708-845-2343

Angela Searcy asearcya@aol.com 708-845-2343� Angela Searcy M.S., D.T. holds a B.A. degree in English and secondary education

with teacher certification though the state of Illinois and a M.S. degree in earlychildhood development from Erikson Institute, with a specialization in Infant Studiesand a credential in developmental therapy. Angela is a Diversifying in HigherEducation in Illinois Fellow at Argosy Univers ity in the Doctor of EducationProgram

• Angela is the owner and founder of Simple Solutions Educational Services , hasover 20 years of experience in the field of education, is an approved professionaldevelopment provider by the Illinois State Board of Education , an educationalconsultant for Teaching Strategies, LLC , , Lakeshore Learning, Carson CA and Centeron the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning ( CSEFEL) atVanderbilt University. Angela is also a professor at Rasmussen College and PDIcoach at Ounce of Prevention

� A former associate at the Neuropsychology Diagnostic Center in Orland Park,Illinois, Angela has specialized training in the neurosciences and is a nationallyrecognized speaker with extensive experience working with professionals, youngchildren, and their families as an early childhood teacher, child development specialist,staff developer, mental health consultant, parent educator, language arts teacher,college professor and tutor. Her expertise encompasses developing behaviormodification programs from a neuropsychological perspective, and creatingprofessional development grounded in neuroscience research related to adultlearning.

� She has been featured on Chicago Public Radio’s Chicago Matters, Chicago Parentand Chicago Baby Magazines and is a regular speaker for the Learning and theBrain Conference Sponsored by Harvard, Yale and Stanford Universities.

Angela Searcy’s Simple Solutions Show! EVERY Sat at 11am CST @

www.globalnewsforum.com

Want the WHOLE Power point???

� Facebook: Angela Nelson-Searcy� http://www.facebook.com/people/Angela-

Nelson-Searcy/100001295809551

� Linkedin: Angela Searcy, M.S.� http://www.linkedin.com/in/angelasearcy

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Activity: Reflecting on Our Own

Relationships

� Think about a satisfying relationship in your life. Name three things that make it satisfying.

“Working with parents is

hard because...”

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� They are in denial� • They don’t want to talk to me� • There is no trust� • They are sometimes from a very� different culture� • They are under a lot of stress� • There is no time� • They are avoidant� • We do not agree on what is best� for the child

The good ole days

Dr. Marcus Welby

� Parent support – mostly unquestioned

� If I get in trouble at school, I’ll be in trouble at home

� Punish now, Ask questions later

� Teachers and school were revered and respected much like clergy and church

The good ole days weren’t that good!

Dr. Derek McDreamy

� Today’s parents have SAME values. Do your actions always match your values???

� I have more information about school so I am an authority as well.

� Parents had a bad experience in school.� Parents were abused as children

Values don’t always match actions

� Do you value eating healthy ?

� Do you value exercise?

� Do you value being economical ?

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Good Times

� Nuclear family� Stay at home mother� Respect for authority� Value of education� Wants the best for children

Modern Family

� Same sex/single parent/never married/divorced homes

� Questions authority� Remembers bad

experiences at school� Culturally diverse � Value of education� Wants the best for children

Ageless Desire of ParentsFlorida & James Evans value education and want the best for their children.

Rosanne and Dan Conner value education and want the best for their children

.

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Possible Risk Factors Affecting Families

� Poverty� Nonflexible work situations� No maternal or paternal leave� Little support from other family members or

neighbors� Challenging relationships with their own families � Substance abuse� Domestic violence

Barriers to Working with Families

Differences between parents’ and schools’ goals for children’s education

Language differences

Varied structural constraints (e.g., school accessibility limited to workday hours).

Distrust of educational professionals

Negative experiences entering the education system

A need for frequent communication from professionals

Difficulty obtaining services

(Dunlap, G. (1999); Dunlap, G., Robbins, F., & Darrow, M. (1994); Stoner, J., Bock, S., Thompson, J., Angell, M. Hely, B., & Crowley, E. (2005).

Maternal Depression

� A combination of symptoms that interfere with the ability to work, sleep, eat, enjoy and parent - affect all aspects of work and family life;

� An illness that frequently starts early in life, that may have a biological component, and that produces substantial disability in functioning

http://www.nccp.org/publications/pdf/text_791.pdf

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1. What is the ‘‘‘‘tip of the iceberg ’’’’ behavior?

2. What you don’t see on the surface!

3. Asking OPEN-ENDED questions to find out all that is underneath!

Advice it just a TIP of the iceberg! You Hit a Nerve!

What Gets on Your Nerves

Possible reasons behind this behavior

What you can do as a professional

Parents in That don’t follow through

Parents in denial

Stages of Loss

� In my mind, the greatest value of this model is to emphasize that grief is not one-dimensional: It manifests in a jumble of intense emotions. Dealing with grief is not a linear progression, but a whole process with chaotic twists and turns. How these "stages" relate to each other has very little to do with logical thinking. Actually, the emotional logic of grief, so to speak, is in the jumble of emotions.

Parenthood

7 Stages

� Shock and DenialIn this stage, the person suffers from shock on knowing about the loss. Shock is a self defense stage of the mind and the outcome of it, many times, is denial of the facts that have actually happened. A person in grief thinks that he is dreaming and he refuses to accept the grief causing situation. The time for which this stage lasts cannot be determined. Simple tasks and decisions cannot be carried out by a person in shock.

Pain and GuiltAt this stage, the grieving person realizes that the loss that has happened is true. This is the most chaotic and scary stage of grief. Many people succumb to alcohol and drugs at this stage. Intense feelings of guilt and compunction are experienced due to the wrong things done which led to this irreversible loss. Sometimes, in grief, people blame themselves and consider themselves responsible for the loss.

AngerIn this stage, the person may get angry due to the injustice that has happened to him or he may get angry over a person responsible for the loss in his life. Anger management is necessary at this stage of grief.

7 stagesBargaining

In this stage, person in grief gets frustrated and may start blaming others for the loss.Although this blame is not correct, he is not in a state to understand and accept thereality. The person starts bargaining for the loss and tries to find out ways in which hecan revert the situation and compensate for what he has lost. This stage is calledbargaining.

Depression and SorrowIn this stage, the person accepts the loss but is unable to cope up with it. Depressed and demoralized, the person is in despair and behaves passively. He sees no remedy to the loss he suffered and is reluctant to behave in a normal way and thus goes into a state of depression.

Testing and ReconstructionThis is the testing stage in which the depressed person starts to indulge in other activities so as to escape the disturbing sorrow. In fact, this is the beginning of the next and last stage, i.e. acceptance of and coming to terms with the reality. It is also a stage of reconstruction as in this stage, he starts the process reconstruction of his life by searching for solutions and ways to come out of his grief.

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7 stages

� AcceptanceThis is the stage when the grieving person accepts the reality. Acceptance stage projects a ray of hope and the person starts believing in himself. Reality and facts of life are accepted and the person moves forward with this life. This stage can be noticed when the person starts behaving normally and his performance in the office is quite improved. The grieving person starts to mingle with friends and colleagues around him. VIDEO!

Holland?

“It is easier to work with

parents when they…”

� • Want to work with you� • Trust you� • Know you care about their child� • Smile� • Are pleasant� • Speak the same language� • Are open to suggestions� • Take responsibility� • Say hello� • Volunteer at the program� • Pay me respect

What is the Difference Between Knowledge

and Wisdom?

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Culture shapes our understanding

of…

� Time � Childrearing � Social interactions� Communication� Age� Family life� Education

Korean-American Mothers

European-American Mothers

Believe parents and children should play together

54% 96%

Prefer children play with sex-typed toys (e.g., boys play with trucks)

71% 43%

Provide children with many chances to decide (e.g., give child choices)

11% 66%

(Farver & Lee-Shin, 2000)

Behavioral Expectations of Two Groups of MothersMean Age Expectation in Months

for Milestone Attainment

Caucasian Puerto Rican Filipino

Eat Solid Food 8.2 10.1 6.7*Training Cup 12.0 17.1 21.9*Utensils 17.7 26.5 32.4*Finger Food 8.9 9.4 9.5Wean 16.8 18.2 36.2*Sleep by Self 13.8 14.6 38.8*Sleep all Night 11.4 14.5 32.4*Choose Clothes 31.1 44.2 33.1*Dress Self 38.2 44.2 39.2Play Alone 25.0 24.8 12.3*Toilet Trained-Day 31.6 29.0 20.4*Toilet Trained-Night 33.2 31.8 34.2

Carlson & Harwood (2000)

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� According to your cultural/family beliefs and values, toddlers should complete potty learning by 32 months. The family of a young child you care for expects their child to complete potty learning at 20 months. What can you do to best understand and support this child and family?

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Activity: Partner Discussion Vignette 1

� Feelings

� Dilemma

� Solution

� Group 1 is assigned to consider the questions taking on the role of the Child.

� Group 2 takes on the role of the Teacher.

� Group 3 takes on the role of the Parents.

� Group 4 takes on the role of the Mental Health Consultant.

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Things to Think About..

Avoid interpreting parents' difficulties as a personal affront to you: Marquise's parents may need time to cool down, but by providing consistent friendly contact, the Head Start staff can work on keeping the lines of communication open.

Carefully choose the place, time and manner in which you share information and ask questions of a parent: The teacher and mental health consultant should make time to discuss the

meeting and the events leading up to that meeting. Through this discussion, they can reflect on each meeting member's

Try to find a common goalRespect parents' needs and timing; Try

to really listen:Marquise's parents may say that they

do not want to meet again. Staff must listen carefully to why they are reluctant and keep an open mind about how their concerns can be addressed. Keep the focus of the conversation on Marquise and how parents and staff might work towards the shared goal of what is best for him.

Managing Personal Stress: Thought Control

Calming Thoughts“My job is to stay calm and try to better understand their perspective”

“I can handle this. I am the professional and I am in control.

“

Upsetting Thoughts

“This family is horrendous!. This is getting ridiculous. They’ll never change.”

“I’m sick of putting out fires!”

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Managing Personal Stress: Thought Control

Calming Thoughts“ Children can act differently at home than at school. Let me ask more questions”

“I am making a difference, this child spends five hours with me everyday”

“

Upsetting Thoughts

“The family says he talks at home …yeah right!.”

“I feel like all the work I put in is undone on the weekend!

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Strategies for Reframing

� Take deep breaths � Relaxation and meditation exercises� Focus on what you can do; think about the

messages of your behavior � Find support

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Strategies for Reframing

� Notice your own feelings, step back� Observe the behavior

� Ask “I wonder questions” about the behavior � Further educate yourself about a child’s age

and stage of growth

Personal reaction/professional action!

Sometimes We Disagree Look for common ground

“Talking to parents is difficult

when…”

� • They are hostile

• They ignore what I say because I am not a parent� • They rush in and out of the classroom� without saying hello or goodbye� • We do not speak the same language� • You don’t know the parent� • You are in the classroom and trying to� watch the children� • They yell or curse� • They are shy or unresponsive� • They won’t believe what you say� about their child’s behavior� • They don’t trust you� • I am preoccupied with something else

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Simple Solutions Steps to Arrival Simple Solutions Support!

Simple Solutions Parent book :How I should

Hang out my Coat CEDA Bridgeview Head Start

Just the Facts Ma’am!

� Specific Verb Phrases� greets peer appropriately� can count to 25� speaks in one to two word

sentences� writes answers to double-

digit addition� can name five careers and

five jobs associated with each

� AVOID Vague Verb Phrases

� Is friendly� can’t talk well� knows his letters� knows different careers� talks excessively� is a loner� Is aggressive

Mon Tues Wed Thurs Fri

How does he come to school?

Rides the bus

√√√√ √√√√ √√√√

Mom brings

√√√√ √√√√

Tantrum at a.m. circle

√√√√ √√√√ √√√√

His behavior?

Tantrum at snack

√√√√ √√√√ √√√√

Tantrum at small group

√√√√ √√√√ √√√√

Sample Setting

Event Chart

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Child’s Name: Tim Observer: ___________________Check yes (Y) or no (N) at time one (T1) and time two (T2) to indicate whether the child

is interacting with a peer at the time of observation. T1 and T2 observations should be at

least 5 minutes apart.Activity Date:____ Date:____ Date:____ Date:____ Date:__ __

Centers T1: T2:x_Y __Y__N x_N

T1: T2:__Y __Y__N __N

T1: T2:__Y __Y__N __N

T1: T2:__Y __Y__N __N

T1: T2:__Y __Y__N __N

Lunch T1: T2:__Y __Yx_N x_N

T1: T2:__Y __Y__N __N

T1: T2:__Y __Y__N __N

T1: T2:__Y __Y__N __N

T1: T2:__Y __Y__N __N

Outside T1: T2:__Y x_Yx_N __N

T1: T2:__Y __Y__N __N

T1: T2:__Y __Y__N __N

T1: T2:__Y __Y__N __N

T1: T2:__Y __Y__N __N

Ratio: __2__#yes__6__total #observed

_____#yes____total #observed

_____#yes____total #observed

_____#yes____total #observed

_____#yes____total # observed

Rate the problem behavior:

0 = no problems, 1 = whining, resisting, 2 = screaming, falling on floor, 3 = screaming, hitting, other aggression

Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday

Arrival0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3

Circle0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3

Nap0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3

Clean-up0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3

Other: _Bus Ride_ 0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3

Average Score Average Score:3

Average Score:2.2

Average Score:1.4

Average Score:1.4

Average Score:.8

Amy’s TransitionWeek of: _________________

Scatter Plot

Dates

Time Activity 10/1 10/2 10/3 10/4 10/5 10/8 10/9 10/10 10/11 10/12

7:30 Arrival

Free Choice

9:00 Planning

9:30 Centers

10:30 Snack

11:00 Outside

11:30 Small Group

12:00 Lunch

12:30 Nap

1:30 Outside

2:30 P.M. Circle

3:00 Departure

Student:

Observer:

Dates:

Target Behavior:

Using a scatter plot involves recording the times of day (and/or activities) in

which the behavior does and does not occur to identify patterns over days or

weeks

RachelMaya10/1 through 10/12

Hitting Peers

Behavior did not occur

Behavior did occur

Did not observe

NA

Child’s Name: ______________________ Behavior: ____sitting______Week of: _________________ Average Duration for Week: ___9___ minutes

Starting from the bottom, shade the number of boxes that represent the length of the target behavior.

Each box represents TWO minutes.

Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday

30 30 30 30 30

28 28 28 28 28

26 26 26 26 26

24 24 24 24 24

22 22 22 22 22

20 20 20 20 20

18 18 18 18 18

16 16 16 16 16

14 14 14 14 14

12 12 12 12 12

10 10 10 10 10

8 8 8 8 8

6 6 6 6 6

4 4 4 4 4

2 2 2 2 2

Learning From Families

� Encourage families to share their observations

� Let families know their observations are important and valued.

� Place a basket at sign-in for families to drop off photos and notes to support careful observation.

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Shared by Kristin Tenney-Blackwell

“Making connections with parents

is important because…”

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� • The parent is the child’s first teacher� • It is what is best for the child� • It is the only way to connect school� and home� • It is a goal of Head Start� • They need our help� • They have issues that affect their� children� • It is the best way to build trust

� Tips for making your classroom feel more comfortable…

Tips for making your program feel

more welcoming…� Pay special attention to the physical entrance to

your program and consider adding plants or art to create a lively

� but warm atmosphere.� Have coffee, tea, or water available for parents

and staff.� Provide helpful signs in the languages spoken

by the families, including where to find key administrators, and access to resources.

� •

Tips for making your program feel

more welcoming…� Create an attractive display that includes a

picture, name, and title for each staff member.� Create an easily located Parent Resource Area

that is maintained on a regular basis. This could be a table or

� bulletin board that lists safe and inexpensive or free activities for families to do in the community, mental and

� physical health resources, and information about starting kindergarten.

How to Handle Angry Parents

� Learning how to defuse negative emotions is a critical professional skill that is apart of our job as educators

� It doesn’t matter if the problems are real or imagined —what matters is the fact a family perceives a problem and there needs to be an agreed upon solution

Okay, what should I say?

� Say, “I’m sorry that happened.”

� You’re admitting no guilt.

� You’re not suggesting any change in plan.

� “How can we work together to make sure this doesn’t happen again?”

� As the professional it is your job to stay calm and resolve school problems with both adults and children and the only person’s behavior you can control is yours!

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The Best Way to Get in the Last Word

� The best way to get in the last word is to

APOLOGIZE .

Resources

• “How to Deal with Parents Who Are Angry,

Troubled,Afraid or Just Plain Crazy” by Elaine K.

Mc Ewan

• “How to Handle Difficult Parents” by Suzanne

Tingley

• “Dealing with Difficult Parents and Parents in

Difficult Situations” by Todd Whitaker and

Douglas Fiore