ITS ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA"The Gang Writes For Children"Written by Rodney OhebsionCopyright 2015TITLE: 12:15 pmTITLE: On a WednesdayTITLE: Philadelphia, PAOVER TITLES, WE HEAR:FRANKHi, my name is Frank, and Im areader.INT. PADDYS PUB - DAYFrank is standing near a table where Charlie, Dee, and THREEWOMAN (40-45) are seated. There are four copies of WutheringHeights on the table.CHARLIEHi. Frank.DEEGuys. This is a book club--not anAA meeting. And like I keep tellingyou, you and Frank arent in theclub.CHARLIEDee. I think me and Frank aresophisticated enough to be in someclub where four middle aged womenwith no lives meet together at somepiece of shit bar. No offense.FRANKNone taken.(to Everyone)Anyways. This week, I read a PeopleMagazine article about how ReeseWitherspoon got a yeast infection.CHARLIEOK. My turn.(gets up)Hi. My name is Charlie, and Im areader.FRANKHi, Charlie. What did you read?2.CHARLIE(to everyone)The Cat in the Hat.DEEWell--the rest of us read WutheringHeights.Frank sits down.CHARLIE(to Everyone)Heres my main issue with The Catin the Hat. You flip through 61pages--and even if you have someoneread all the words to you, at nopoint does anyone tell you why thecat is wearing a hat. Theres nologic! Its illogical!FRANKThats why you should read PeopleMagazine. They explain exactly howReese Witherspoon got a yeastinfection.DEEYou guys arent in the club! Soplease just go over there!CHARLIEFine. Whatever. Your club isstupid, anyway.A Woman at the table is holding a beer. Charlie grabs it outof her hand. Charlie and Frank walk back to the bar area,where Mac is drinking, and Dennis is behind the bar,polishing a glass.CHARLIEFreaking Dee. She thinks shes soliterary and stuff. Im, like, tonsmore literary than her. You knowwhat? Im gonna write a book. OK.Someone write down what I say. Um."It was a dark and stormy night.Most grapes are Mexican, by nature.And, like, fiddle dee dee, fiddledee dum. The End."MACDude. Im no expert on, like,classic American novels, but Im(MORE)3.MAC (contd)pretty sure you didnt just writeone.FRANKYeah, Charlie. Novels go on for,like, 500 pages.CHARLIEUm. Dennis--is that true?Dennis just stares at Charlie and continues to polish hisglass.FRANK(to Charlie)How about you write a childrensbook instead? You know, The Cat inthe Hat is just 61 pages withmostly pictures. And Dr. Seuss mademillions off of it.CHARLIEYes! A childrens book! Ill writea childrens book. About a goat ina boat.MACThats actually a really good idea.I was getting ready to smack you inthe face for that fiddle dee deestuff, but now I want in on this.FRANKMe, too.CHARLIEHow about you, Dennis?Dennis continues to stare at them and polish his glass.Opening credits: "The Gang Writes For Children"FRANKOK. First things first, lets givethe book a catchy title.CHARLIEI got one. Wuthering Goat.FRANKThats perfect.4.MACHow about The Goat in a Boat?FRANKThats even better!CHARLIEHow about The Wuthering Goat in aBoat?FRANKThat depends.CHARLIEOn what?FRANKOn what the word "wuthering" means.Back to the table where Dee and the Women are sittingWOMAN 1...I could really identify withCatherines love of Heathcliff.DEEMe, too. I also liked the way shedressed. She wore the cutestoutfits.WOMAN 1Dee. Did you watch the movieinstead of reading the book?DEEWhat? No. Of course not.(points to the book she has onthe table)I have the book right here.WOMAN 2And where do you have the movie?DEEIts on Netflix. I mean, I dontknow. Did they make a movie out ofWuthering Heights? They shouldnthave made a movie. Cause I preferthe book.WOMAN 1At least tell me you didnt watchthe 2014 version, starring LindsayLohan.5.DEEHey! Lindsay Lohan is a phenomenalactress--OK?! Mean Girls, HerbieFully Loaded, Wuthering Heights.Shes great in all of those movies!WOMAN 2I think we better go.DEEFine! Get lost, whores! All of youare whores who think youre toogood for Lindsay Lohan movies.The Women start getting up and leaving.The guys are still at the bar.MACOK. So we all agree that the boatwill be red.CHARLIENow lets move on to the goat. Isay we make it orange.FRANKUnless the goat is wuthering--inwhich case well make it pink.CHARLIEYes! Hes a pink wuthering goat ina boat, he eats oats, he wears acoat, and he has the right to votefor another goat.Dennis stops polishing his glass.DENNISWill you guys stop talking aboutthis crap!? No ones gonna read abook about a goat in a freakingboat!Dennis resumes polishing his glass.CHARLIE(to everyone else)Hes right. We should write a bookabout an ape in a cape. And wellcall the book Wuthering Ape.6.MACNo. Im sticking with a goat in aboat.CHARLIELets put the goat in a cape.MAC"Goat" doesnt rhyme with "cape."CHARLIEWhat do you mean rhyme?MACLike all the rhymes you justmade. Goat, vote, coat.CHARLIEDude--I didnt notice how thosewords rhyme. I just figured itwould be interesting to readabout a goat in a coat in a boatwho eats oats and votes. You know.Since goats are so into democracy.Dee grabs a few beers from the bar, takes them back to hertable, and sits down. She opens one of the beers and startsdrinking it.DEE(to herself)So what if they read the book?Those bitches dont even appreciateWuthering Heights the way I do. Ididnt just watch the movie. Icompletely took in all thewuthering, and all the heights.(drinks some more beer)Wuthering Heights.(drinks some more beer)(in British accent)Wuthering Heights.Back to the guysCHARLIEWait! I got it! A whale in a pailwho drinks ale, delivers mail,wears a cape, and just got out ofjail.7.FRANKOr. How about a cheetah in afajita?CHARLIEWait a second. Are you guysthinking what Im thinking? Howabout we put the whale in a fajita?FRANKI got it! Lets have a Jew in ashoe!CHARLIEAre you guys thinking what Imthinking? Lets put the Jew in afajita!Dennis is still polishing his glass. He stops and finallyinterjectsDENNISDamn it Charlie! These ideas keepon getting worse and worse. Noones gonna read a book abouta whale in a cape, or a Jew infajita. OK? I mean, kids dont readbooks anymore. They watch TV showswith characters like Spongebob.CHARLIEWait. Are you guys thinking whatIm thinking?DENNISDamn it, Charlie. You better notsay anything about puttingSpongebob in a fajita.CHARLIENo. Of course not. I was thinkingof a Scottish napkin who wears akilt, and goes by the name ofMcNapkinRob.Dee is still drinking beer at her table.DEE(to herself)(in British accent)Heathcliff is the one I love themost. Its Heathcliff. But I simplycannot marry him.8.(Later)Dee now has four empty beer bottles on her table.DEE(to herself)(in British accent)Tonight, I shall find out his truefeelings.Mac, Dennis, Charlie, and Frank are still seated at thetable, and there are empty beer bottles all around them.Dee walks up to them.DEE(in British accent)Hello, father. Heathcliff. Edgar.Hindley.MACDee. What do you want? Werebusy. Were creating a characterfor our childrens show.DEE(in British accent)I see. Well. Many have remarkedthat I have considerable skill insuch arts.DENNISWhat the hell are you talkingabout?DEE(in British accent)I have created a number of amusingcharacters over the years--forinstance, Martina Martinez, TaiwanTammy, and Captain Barnacle.Perhaps I might assist you increating a childrens character.DENNIS(to the others)Wait a second. Are you guysthinking what Im thinking?FRANKYes. We should put the fajita in ashoe.9.DENNISNo. I was thinking that Dee wouldmake a good character. Just, youknow, as Dee.MACYes. Shes like Spongebob, onlyshes not a dumb blondesponge--shes a dumb blondewoman. Shes Ditzy Dee.CHARLIEAnd shes married to McNapkinRob.DENNISTheres no McNapkinRob! Just DitzyDee. Alright. Lets start drawingthis up. Do any of you know how todraw?MACI know an alcoholic artist. We canpay him in beer.INT. PADDYS PUB - DAYAL (40) is sitting at the bar with Dennis, Mac, Charlie,Frank, and Dee.MACAl. This is Dee. We need you todraw a cartoon character based onher.ALA cartoon character? You mean,like, Dee the bird?DENNISYes! Thats a great idea!DEE(in British accent)Well. It does not strike me as aparticularly good idea.CHARLIEDee. Stop talking about baseball.Were trying to work here.10.DEE(in British accent)Gentleman. I must make my return tothe yard. I bid thee farewell.Dee leaves.ALBefore I start working, Im gonnaneed some of my payment first.MACRight. Yeah. Ten beers.(Later)Al is sitting next to ten empty beer bottles.Dennis is still polishing a glass. Frank and Charlie arenearby. Mac is doing push ups in another section of the bar.ALAlright. Im done.Frank looks at the drawing.FRANKInteresting.Mac walks over to Al and looks at his drawing.MAC(to Al)What the hell is this?The drawing is actually a Tic Tac Toe board with a few Xsand Os.ALUm. Yeah. I dont really know howto draw.CHARLIEAlso, your Tic Tac Toe strategy iswrong. You drew all your Xsbackwards and upside down.DENNISMac. I thought you said he was analcoholic artist.11.MAC(to Al)Arent you an alcoholic artist?ALIm just an alcoholic. Not anartist. Can I have another beer?MACYou can have anotherget-the-fuck-out-of here!FRANK(to Mac, Charlie, and Dennis)I see what the problem is. Thisguys not Korean. Koreans are thebest animators. They also makegreat kimchi.CHARLIEForget animation. Lets make thisan in person show, like Yo GabbaGabba! I mean, I watch Yo GabbaGabba! five times as often as Iwatch Spongebob.MAC(to Everyone Else)I think hes onto something. Welljust have Dee wear a cape and eatgrapes, and then well film thewhole thing with a studio audience.DENNISRight. So where the hell is Dee?INT. DEES APARTMENT - DAYDee is standing and talking to nobody.DEE(to herself)(in British accent)I believe Edgar is planning topropose to me. But should I marryhim, when my heart belongs toanother?The doorbell rings. Dee opens it to reveal Mac, Dennis, andCharlie. Dennis is holding a box wrapped in newspaper.12.DEE(in British accent)Heathcliff. Edgar. Hindley. Whatbrings the three of you here?DENNISWe got you a gift.DEE(in British accent)What for?CHARLIEYou see. Were trying to manip...Dennis pokes Charlie.DENNISWere trying to manipulate thesystem that says you can only buygifts for a reason. We bought you agift just because.Dennis hands Dee the box.DEE(in British accent)Come in.They walk in. The four of them sit down. Dee examines thebox.DEE(in British accent)Why is this wrapped in newspaper?DENNISBecause we have manners--so wewouldnt give you an unwrappedgift.DEE(in British accent)I see. However, it is customary towrap a gift in gift wrap.MACIts the same thing, Dee! Paper ispaper!DEE(in British accent)(MORE)13.DEE (contd)But why did you use the obituarysection. I mean, you couldve atleast...DENNISDee! Will you just open the damngift!Dee sits down and opens the gift. It contains a cape and abunch of grapes.DEE(in British accent)Hm. Grapes and a cape.CHARLIEYeah. To, like, wear, and eat.the doorbell rings. Dennis opens it to reveal Frank, ROBERTO(45, Mexican), and 20 MEXICAN CHILDREN. Frank is holding afew pizza boxes.FRANK(to the Children)Everyone go in. Entra, entra.The Children come in and sit on a sofa.DEE(to Frank)(in British accent)Who are these visitors, father?FRANKTheyre my friends. Theyre justgonna hang out with us for a while.(to Everyone)Pizza time!He puts the pizza boxes on a table in front of the Kids.One Child walks up to Mac.CHILDSenor. Donde esta los bebes?MACI dont hablo. Also, Im gonna needto see your green card.14.DENNISFrank. Can I talk to you for asecond?Frank walks over to Dennis, and Charlie and Mac join them.DENNISFrank. Why is our studio audienceMexican?MACYeah. I mean, I might have to callup immigration on them.FRANKYou told me to bring over a bunchof kids. So I went to my plumberRobertos house, and I brought overhis kids and his kids cousins, andI told them wed have a pizzaparty. So there you go. Your studioaudience.CHARLIEGood thinking.DENNISYeah. That is good thinking. Exceptfor one minor detail. Our studioaudience doesnt understandEnglish!MACAnd theyre illegal immigrants.Theyre using up our tax money.FRANKJust convert it to a Spanish show.More people speak Spanish thanEnglish.DENNISWe dont speak Spanish, Frank!FRANKWell. You know the basics. Si, no,burrito, sombrero. Just have Deesay yes to a hat.DENNISThats not the show. Yourecompromising our artistic vision.Our artistic vision doesnt involveDee saying yes to a hat.15.MACDude. I think youre totallymissing the true essence of ourartistic vision.DENNISWhich is?MACThat Dee is a bird.Dee walks over to them.DEE(in British accent)What the Dickens is going on here?MACSpanish, Dee! Say it in Spanish!CHARLIE(to Dee)And dont forget to put on thecape.MAC(privately to Dennis, Charlie,and Frank)Wait a second. Does grape rhymewith cape in Spanish?DENNISWhatever. Roll the tape.Mac takes out his cell phone and starts recording Dee.FRANK(announcing to everyone)Damas y caballeros. Welcome-o tothe El Dee Show.DENNIS(to Dee)Alright, Dee. Start acting like abird.DEE(in British accent)What, pray tell, are you talkingabout? I know not of what you mean.16.MACDee! Stop speaking British, andstart speaking Spanish!DEEListen, you idiot! Im not aMexican childrens show character!(in British accent)Im Catherine. I reside atWuthering Heights.DENNISStop compromising our artisticvision.The doorbell rings.DENNISWho the hell is that?Dennis opens to the door to reveal MCNAPKINROB--a 40 yearold man holding a bottle of whiskey, and wearing a cape anda hat, as well as a kilt made of napkins.DENNISWho the hell are you?MCNAPKINROBIm McNapkinRob!CHARLIEHoly crap! Its McNapkinRob!MACYeah. Hes wearing a napkin kilt.McNapkinRob walks in.DENNISUm. How is there an actual personnamed McNapkinRob?McNapkinRob drinks whiskey while Charlie sings.CHARLIEIm gonna sing the McNapkinRobtheme song.(sings)McNapkinRob / McNapkinRob/ McNapkinRob / McNapkinRob / He isa Scott / And a napkin / He does alot / Of tap dancing / He wears acape and a kilt and a hat / Hell(MORE)17.CHARLIE (contd)tell you that yo mamma is so fat/ He uses his napkin powers toclean / He uses his Scottish powersto drink / His home is shaped likea bottle of whiskey / His car looksa lot like a box of napkins / Hewatches reruns of Lucy and Ricky /And Cheers, The Simpsons, and alsoWhats Happening?DENNISUm. Im pretty sure all McNapkinRobdoes is drink whiskey.DEE(in British accent)I must concur with the gentleman.MCNAPKINROBYo mammas so fat, she has her ownzip code.FRANKYou gotta say it in Spanish,McNapkinRob.MCNAPKINROBUh. Tu mama es so gordo, she, uh,ella, uh, tiene un numero de zipcode-o.Some of the Children laugh.FRANKKids. Do you, uh, te gusta ElMcNapkinRob?CHILDRENSi. McNapkinRob.FRANK(to Mac, Dennis, and Charlie)I think we got a hit. Charlie--yougotta sing the theme song inSpanish.CHARLIE(sings)McNapkinRob / McNapkinRob/ McNapkinRob / McNapkinRob / Sisombrero, no burrito / Tu mama esgordo, tu mama es loco18.INT. PADDY-S PUB - DAYMac and Charlie are at the bar.MACMan. Im freaking hung over.Something about hanging out withMcNapkinRob--it just made me drinklike crazy.CHARLIEThats McNapkinRobs specialty.Making other people drink.MACI thought his specialty was makinghimself drink.CHARLIEActually, I think his specialty isbeing a napkin.Dee is seated at a table with three new WOMEN. Dee isdrinking whiskey straight out of a bottle.WOMAN 4Well. It was a tough book to read,but I thought it was reallyrewarding. It really made me expandmy mind, and look at the world fromnew perspectives.DEEYeah. And, um, I really enjoyedwatching the relationship betweenMaggie and Herbie develop. And Iliked how the number 53 was rightthere on Herbie.WOMAN 5Um. That wasnt in Finnegans Wake.It sounds like youre describingthe movie Herbie Fully Loaded.DEEWell. What I meant to say was that,um, I was fascinated by how, like,Finnegan ate Pop Tarts everymorning. I think that was ametaphor for his love of breakfast.19.WOMAN 4Now it sounds like youredescribing a Pop Tart commercial.DEESo? Whats your point? Pop Tartsare a great breakfast food, andLindsay Lohan is a great actress.And you three are pretentiouswhores! Anyone who reads FinnegansWake or any other book is apretentious whore!WOMAN 5I think we better go.They get up and start to leave.DEEFine! Go! I dont care! And if yousee Finnegan, tell him to kiss myass!They walk out. Seconds later, Dennis enters.DENNISAlright, guys. Good work yesterday.DEEWhat do you mean good work? SomeScottish guy wore napkins and drankwhiskey for an hour in front of abunch of Mexican kids. Thats notwork.MACDee. We said speak Spanish---OK?DENNISWe dont need Dee to speak Spanishanymore. Remember? We dropped DitzyDee, and we went with McNapkinRob.MACI still think Dee should speakSpanish. That way we wontunderstand all the dumb shit thatshe says every day. By the way--didyou put the video on YouTube?DENNISYeah. I uploaded it, like, an hourago.20.CHARLIEAlright. Lets see how many viewswe got.Mac takes out his cell phone and types.Frank enters.MACOK. McNapkinRob. ... Uh. 25 views.CHARLIEWell. Thats a good start. I mean,it takes time time for a Mexicanchildrens show to go viral.DEEMcNapkinRob is a stupid character,and a racist stereotype. You need agood character--like Taiwan Tammy.DENNISDee. Will you please close yourel-mouth-o? OK? Either stoptalking, or at lease speak Spanish,so we wont understand you.FRANK(to Mac)Did our video get any of those dotcom rating things?MACUh. We got 2 thumbs up, and 16thumbs down.DENNISAre there any comments?MACYeah. One says, "McNapkinRob isgay." Another one says,"McNapkinRob es un maricon." Andanother one says, "The cameramanprobably wants to bangMcNapkinRob." Dude. How could thisguy even know that?DENNISYou mean you do want to bangMcNapkinRob?21.MACNo.FRANKWell. I guess McNapkinRob iscancelled.CHARLIESays who? I mean, when Spongebobdebuted, they also called him amaricon.DENNISHeres what I dont get. How wasthere an actual McNapkinRob inDees apartment?CHARLIEWhat do you mean?DENNISAn actual guy named McNapkinRobshowed up. How is that possible?MACRight. Yeah. I got so caught up inMcNapkinRob fever, that I forgotabout that. How is there a guynamed McNapkinRob?CHARLIEWhat are you talking about? I mean,if theres a McNapkinRob themesong, theres gotta be aMcNapkinRob.DEEBut you made up the theme song.CHARLIESo?DENNISSo how is there an actualMcNapkinRob?CHARLIEBecause theres a McNapkinRob themesong--so theres gotta be aMcNapkinRob.22.FRANKMcNapkinRob is Ed Franklin--myother plumber. I figured Dee mightnot stick to our script, so Ibrought in my other plumber as abackup on the show. Yeah. Myplumber will do pretty muchanything for $50 an hour. Exceptfor fix a toilet or pipes. Hedoesnt really do any plumbing.DEEThen how the hell is he yourplumber?FRANKWell. The term "plumber," is, like,a euphemism or something. You know.As in, "My quote unquote plumberwill bleach your anus for $50 anhour."McNapkinRob enters.MCNAPKINROBYo mamas so fat, that after sex,she smokes turkeys.FRANKYeah. Im gonna have to canceltodays performance, Ed. Your showgot cancelled on account of lowratings, and people calling youa... whats the word?MACMaricon.FRANKYeah. A maricon.MCNAPKINROB(in normal vice, with noScottish accent)Oh. Well. You got me for five hourstoday. Is there anything else youwant me to do?FRANKUh. How would you feel aboutplaying a Jew in a shoe?23.MACDude. No. A goat in a boat.CHARLIEAre you guys thinking what Imthinking? Lets put the goat in aJew.DENNISShut your damn mouth, Charlie!(to Dee)And Dee--shut your mouth, too!