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From the Editor…

No More Drama in My LifeMary Joyce

Handling Post-Divorce Holiday Visitation DramaLori Latimer

Holiday Drama: Family StyleLiz LaClair

Breaking the Cycle of Victim MentalityJennifer Shelton

Snappy Comebacks to Ten Inappropriate QuestionsKathryn Williams

Are You Ready for Holiday Fun or Dreading the Chaos?Tricia Dycka

Enjoy the Holidays: Share Memories, Love, Compassion and More!Jill Stafford

Dealing with the Drama During the Holidays. How to Keep a Clear Head About You Without Getting Drawn InJihan Cover

Family, Seeing Them for the Best That They AreDaye Salander

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Publisher: Tricia DyckaEditor-In-Chief: Lori PaquetteEditor: Liz LaClair Copyright 2011 It’s All About Yes

CFROM THE EDITOR…

Christmas season is a time spent with family and friends. The smells of pine trees, cinnamon, decorations, lights, fun, festivities and waiting for Santa to come down the chimney brings such a warm fuzzy feeling.

This month’s ezine Holiday Horror or Holiday Happiness is all about dealing with the holiday drama or in some cases just the happiness of spending time with loved ones.

With Thanksgiving behind us and Christmas ahead of us this can be a very stressful time of year. Decorating, finding the perfect gift for everyone, cooking, cleaning and family gatherings can have its toll on our nerves. Some of these family members take Aunt Marge for instance, may come over once a year and with her she brings her bag of tricks. That may include sarcasm, nastiness, questions that she know will make you squirm or better yet she will start a family fight then sit back and watch the fireworks. Each one of our contributing authors shares their insights and experiences that I hope you will find valuable during this Christmas.

May you have a beautiful and festive Holiday Season.

No More Drama In My Life by: Mary Joyce

Just like my namesake Mary J, I choose no more drama in my life especially during the holiday season. The only drama I allow is whatever is on TV. Growing up, Christmas was always a time when at least one of the emergency services would make an appearance at our house.

I always thought my Mum putting up the tree on Christmas Eve was some sort of family tradition and once I met my other half, I kept the family ‘tradition’ alive only for her to tell me, that leaving it that late, gave it half a chance of still being up the following morning.

So we created our own traditions. Luckily for me, my other half is Hindu and never having celebrated Christmas much before meeting me, is very excited about it all. He is like a kid in a sweet shop and loves all the preparations, hanging up the stockings for the children on the fireplace. The Christmas tree now is up, I kid you not, the minute we hit December.

That’s my favorite part, decorating the tree with the children, seeing all the handmade decorations my baby girl has made over the years, she’s 11 now so has 8 years worth of precious gems to hang on the tree.

We spend most Christmas days with just the four of us, enjoying every precious moment of family time, making memories and teaching our babies what it’s all about.

I feel I invest enough attention in my friends and family throughout the year, so that there’s not a deficit when the holidays arrive. I express my intentions clearly, so everyone knows what we are doing, when and with whom, leaving no room for confusion.

Most problems in relationships are down to communication, either it is not clear or someone is being purposely vague. People that are unhappy in their own lives tend to create a lot of drama around them, as it is a distraction so they do not have to deal with what really going on below the surface.

Since I left home at 17, all my holidays have been peaceful, calm, love filled occasions. I achieve this by planning, keeping things simple and remembering what it is all about. I know that Christmas day is the 25th of December , so I begin a couple of months before, arranging gifts so its not a mad panic on Christmas Eve, running around like a blue arse fly spending an absolute fortune, panic buying crap that nobody needs or wants (my usual holiday gifting buying pre-children).

My children have all they could want, so I don’t tend to buy very much in the way of toys (they are happier children for it), only the odd one or two that they would really love and I know they’ll use. I have a massive family so they are well looked after throughout the year.

A few weeks before Christmas I get the children to go through the clothes they have outgrown, the toys and books they no longer play with, bag it up and pass it on, luckily I know some Mums with both boys and girls who are younger than mine are. The children understand that their things are going to make other children happy and that they are making way for new things to enter their lives. We do this a few times a year especially as they grow out of things so quickly.

We really are the ones who put the pressure on ourselves, I can’t remember where I was, but I spent Christmas at someone else’s house one year, I can vaguely remember the mother saying how Christmas was ruined – “how come” I hear you ask. “No cranberry sauce” ooh how awful, might as well all pack up and go home.

Some people naturally make a big deal out of nothing, just remember what it’s all about, we’re celebrating the birth of Christ, rejoicing in his name, spending time with those we love (if you don’t love them don’t spend time with them simples).

There are some families out there where the holidays are a time they dread. There are those who have no one to share it with pretending that it doesn’t matter. People getting themselves into so much debt just to keep up with the Joneses (does anyone actually know who they are?).

It doesn’t have to cost much to have a great time, just a splash of love, a sprinkle of joy , some glitter & giggles, throw in a turkey and you’ve got yourself a fabulous Christmas.

Here’s to your holiday being filled with magical moments and if it all goes tits up who cares, you get to do it all again next year. Have a good one and don’t forget the cranberry sauce.

The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life, sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another’s desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together. ~Erma Bombeck

Mary JoyceMary Joyce is a life and relationship coach, naturally gifted intuitive, works with the angelic Realm, and Mum to two beautiful young children. She runs a couple of weekly life coaching workshops for women, works with local government agencies in the UK providing trainings in both life and career coaching. She works with women from every background from Entrepreneurs, small business owners to single mothers to help them live a life of Purpose and prosperity. You can find Mary at www.response-abilitycoaching.com. While you’re there, check out her free ebook: 7 Keys to Respond to Your Life With Purpose to Let Your Abilities Shine.

Handling Post-Divorce Holiday Visitation Dramaby: Lori Latimer

It’s the most wonderful time of the year... well, not necessarily.

The holidays are an emotional time regardless of your circumstances. If you’re divorced and have children with your ex, this time of year can be anything but wonderful.

Even if you have a specific holiday visitation schedule spelled out in your divorce agreement, inevitably there are problems. And sadly, it’s usually the children that end up in the middle of the adults’ disagreements.

Everyone is always run down and tired at this time of year. When you’re operating from that place, it’s easy to verbalize your frustrations about your ex in ways you might normally not do. Whatever you do, don’t let your children hear you venting about the other parent. If you need to discuss something with your ex, discuss it outside the presence of your children. (Of course, you should always try to avoid discussing things with your ex where the children can hear your conversation!)

Try to talk to your ex in a civilized manner to try to resolve any scheduling conflicts. If they refuse to cooperate and have a civilized conversation, simply stick to the schedule in your divorce agreement - it always takes priority if you can’t otherwise agree. Remember: children deserve to spend time with both parents and their respective extended families during the holidays.

Many of the post-divorce holiday disagreements over the children’s schedules are the result of wanting to hurt the other parent. We often want to punish the other parent in any way we can if they’ve hurt us. One of the easiest ways to try to do that is through withholding the children from them during the holidays, or limiting their time with the children. The sad fact is that the children are usually the ones who wind up getting hurt. Don’t ruin your children’s holidays in an effort to ruin your ex-spouse’s holidays.

Regardless of what led up to your divorce or what’s happened since, choose you and your children and making wonderful holiday memories together over being held hostage to the past.

Take the high road. Everyone’s emotions are always on hyper-alert at this time of year anyway. Don’t let bitterness toward your ex or your divorce itself impact your and your children’s holidays. Make it a magical time of year for them, and in doing that, you’ll make it magical for yourself as well!

And when your children are with your ex, don’t fall prey to a pity party. Get a group of other single friends together to share the celebration. Do something special for yourself. Or use the time alone to reflect on where you are in your life and what you can to do move forward in a positive way, both for your sake and your children’s sake.

I wish love, joy and peace for all of you and your families this Holiday Season.

Lori LatiMerLori helps women work through the issues they face as newly-single women. After working as a paralegal in family law for over 20 years and going through her own divorce, she discovered a way to heal the pain of past relationships and build a new life full of joy and passion. She now helps newly-single women and those going through divorce fall in love with themselves and their lives. You can find me at http://lorilatimer.com/

WHAT WILL YOU FIND?

Take 10% OFF any item in booth No. 517,home of Junkbox Treasures in Snohomish.

1108 1st St., Snohomish, WA

Liz LacLairI have TWO best parts of my life. I’m thrilled to have found my business calling! I truly enjoy working with my clients – the work I do is fun! Check out how I got past my challenges – learn how I’m taking what was a not so good and making it great. I’m a small business entrepreneur who likes working/supporting other small businesses. The other best part of my life? I’m married to the love of my life. He’s very supportive of what I’m doing. Who could ask for more? You can find me at http://www.virtuallyhelps.com/

Holiday Drama: Family Styleby: Liz LaClair

Apparently I’ve been blessed over the holidays. I’ve heard how so many folks have dramas with their family gatherings (not the good kind of dramas either). I honestly can’t think of any. When I was a kid it was going to my Grandparents (in Ohio) or they came to visit. When I got older, my husband’s family did the BIG family Christmas party the Saturday before. We all drew names on Thanksgiving so we knew who to buy a gift for (so we didn’t have to get one for everyone – we’re talking high double digits of family members) – besides his parents. Then we would see my Dad on Christmas Eve and the two of us have Christmas Day.

No matter what, we always enjoy who we’re with. So, here’s my definition of holiday DRAMA:

DANCING for Joy because we’re spending time with those we love, especially those we haven’t seen in a while. This year, the dancing will be even better – my husband’s (a.k.a. the love of my life) cancer is treatable and he’s gone through his surgeries, and is back to work!

RACING to open gifts (siblings always get in each other’s way – or my husband doesn’t get his coffee fast enough!)

ANGELS of the Season – what can I say, my brother and I were always Grandma’s Angels (wink, wink).

MERRIMENT: the fun of parties, whether with family, friends or co-workers – it’s always fun just to relax and enjoy.

ANCEDOTE – you knew this would pop up. There’s always at least one story of what someone did on some past holiday that makes everyone laugh!

I’ve always been one of those folks who gets so excited about getting gifts FOR people, I can’t wait for them to open their gift. It’s all I can do to NOT tell them what it is (in advance) or just give it to them right away. Perhaps that’s my drama, can I get a gift and not “let the cat out of the bag” before giving? Who knows? This could be the year.

So, I wish all of you a wonderful holiday season filled with all the drama (my definition) you can handle.

“Multi-color Magical Strands” | Photo by Lori Paquette

Breaking the Cycle of Victim Mentalityby: Jennifer Shelton

Let’s face it, no family is perfect. And, most children, at least at some point in their lives, blame their family for “messing them up.” It’s the cycle of family life. But, at some point, in order to move on, we have to get past these issues. You can’t change other people but you CAN change yourself. If you wish to alter your family dynamics, you must make the change within.

Do you think you never, or rarely, think like a victim? Well, that’s what I thought, too. The following, excerpted from psychologist Ellen McGrath’s book, When Feeling Bad is Good, changed my mind! You know you’re engaging in victim thinking when you find yourself making the kind of statements (to yourself or others) that fit into any of the following categories:

Category 1: It’s a Cold, Cruel World

This is so unfair! It shouldn’t be happening to me.•

I shouldn’t have to work so hard.•

I always help everyone else, but no one ever helps me.•

I try so hard to be a good mother. I should get love, but all I get from my kids is backtalk and •headaches.

Note that “should” is a very popular word in this category. “Shoulds” are sure tip-offs that you’re engaged in victim thinking, because “should” assumes that it’s a fair, supportive world. Often it isn’t, especially for women. To assume that it is only sets you up for disappointment and chronic feelings of victimization. [I fit into this category!]

If you catch yourself thinking like this, convert the thought into “This is unfair and so typical. What can I do to cope?”

Category 2: It’s Hopeless/I’m Helpless

I’ll never be able to lose weight.•

My wrinkles make me look so old and unattractive.•

No matter what I do, I never feel better.•

I’ve tried. I just can’t do it.•

Things will never change. I just have to learn to live with it.•

Absolute, extreme words like “never,” “always,” “can’t,” “everyone,” “no one,” and “impossible” are favorites in this category. We want to believe things can’t be changed so that we don’t have to make the effort to change them.

Instead of thinking, “These wrinkles are so ugly!” think “Each wrinkle is a sign of my hard-earned wisdom. A woman my age doesn’t look like she did at 18. Anyway, who would want to be 18 and go through all that again?”

Category 3: The Angry Victim

I hate my life and everything in it.•

Every time I trust men, I get hurt. I’m not about to give any more of them a chance to •hurt me.

She was so bad to me. I can never forgive her.•

They’re to blame. I didn’t do anything.•

In this category, unresolved anger equals avoidance or responsibility for ourselves, which only keeps us stuck in our victim identity. If you can’t let go of the anger and blame, you’ll continue to feel and be victimized.

“I hate him” can become “I’m so angry that I could really hurt him. But he’s not going to drag me down and keep me stuck in all this hatred. I’m going to do some exercises to release my anger so I can figure out what to do once I’m thinking more clearly.”

Based on Dr. McGrath’s recommendations, I challenge each of us to begin keeping a record of our “victim thinking.” Jot down every time you find yourself feeling or thinking like a victim. Note where you were, why you felt that way, and how you responded. Just a brief notation is fine. But, it’s important to write the feelings/thoughts down quickly, so you don’t forget. Write down any thought you even suspect may be victim thinking.

The key is to learn to identify when you’re engaged in victim thinking and then convert these thoughts into more results-oriented, problem-solving thinking.

Move with Power (excerpted from When Feeling Bad is Good)

To prevent victimization, there are times when we must see ourselves as powerful and learn how to move with power. It will serve you well, especially any time you find yourself feeling threatened.

1. Breathe deeply. Shallow breathing, which many of us unconsciously lapse into when we’re feeling stressed or anxious, doesn’t allow oxygen to flow as freely to the brain. As a result, our reaction time is slower. Muscles tighten and we don’t think as clearly.

2. Stand Ten Feet Tall. When we feel potentially victimized we generally shrink. Researchers call it somatic retraction, which means we respond to a threat by slouching, tightening, or collapsing our chest, pulling our shoulders down and forward, and tensing our neck and back.

Jennifer L SheLtonJennifer is the founder and administrator of FemCentral, the Virtual Institute for Women, where she also works as an astrologer, intuitive coach and instructor. She teaches undergraduate, online classes in global cultures for Franklin University and works as an education, outreach and training consultant. She’s a writer. She’s a mom. She’s gloriously busy doing the things she loves. You can find Jennifer at www.jenniferlshelton.com

This body language invites victimization because we look like easy targets. We also begin to think like victims while in this stance, because that’s the role we associate with such defensive body language. Not only are we draining our mental resources, but the muscle tension created from this position also drains valuable physical energy we may need to protect ourselves. When you’re standing or walking as if you are ten feet tall, you’re less likely to become a victim because you don’t look or feel like one.

3. See Yourself as a Problem Solver. Whenever we’re stressed, the familiar female response is to become the victim. Instead, use mental control to immediately replace your victim identity with a problem-solver identity. Rather than thinking, “I can’t believe they did that to me,” think in terms of “How can I correct this situation? What can I do to solve this problem?”

Acknowledge any stressful reality and see it as an opportunity to grow. Quickly assess your alternatives and make the best decision based on the information you have. Then act. Even if you’re feeling totally out of control, move with purpose and power as though you’re completely in charge. This stance and strategy will prompt a potential victimizer to think twice before making his or her next move and will help you move more quickly out of victim identity.

Modified from a post that appeared on FemCentral on June 15, 2011.

Q: “I just can’t figure out why you’re not married yet!”The classic backhanded compliment masquerades as a statement that you are a great catch. The subtext, however, is that there might be something terribly, irreparably wrong with you that is keeping you from a lasting relationship.

Response: “Me neither! But I know why I’m not divorced yet!”

Q: “Are you still unemployed?”A sensitive subject at any time, let alone in a crappy economy during the holidays, when consumerism is booming, hiring is down, and all your friends are getting their end-of-year bonuses.

Response: “I’m enjoying some down time between jobs that suck my will to live.”

Q: “You look so skinny!”This is not really a question, and it might even be a compliment, but the subtle implication is that you weren’t skinny before. See how your cross-examiner feels when the tables are turned.

Response: “Really? I was just going to say the same thing about you!”

Q: “I [or my wife/my mother] make my green bean casserole/mashed potatoes/gravy differently.”There’s a saying about too many cooks in the kitchen. If you’re slaving away to put a meal on the table, unsolicited (and probably too late) recipes or tips are irrelevant and rude.

Response: “I look forward to eating yours [hers] next year then!”

Q: “When is your baby due?”If you’re not pregnant, this is one of those questions that can send you foaming at the mouth and knocking over pie-laden buffet tables. If you are, you’ve probably answered this question more times than your hormone-addled brain can handle. Either way, you have an opportunity to mess with the interloper.

Response: If you are hugely, massively, obviously pregnant, or if you are not at all, say, “I’m not pregnant. Why would you say that?” If you are pregnant, but only barely showing, try, “Last month.”

Q: “When are you going to have children?”Usually asked by those friends and relatives already toting a pack of offspring with them, this question implies your life is not complete until you’ve reproduced.

Response: “As soon as other people’s stop annoying us.”

Q: “Were you invited to [so-and-so’s] party?”Instead of tactfully asking, “Will you be at [so-and-so’s] party,” which assumes you were invited but gives you a graceful out in case you weren’t, the not-so-subtle suggestion here is that you might not have made the cut. Awkward.

Response: “Not since the incident.”

Q: “Who’s the father?”The real answer to this question is, “None of your damn business.” The more fun answer is “Justin Bieber,” or,

Response: “Paternity tests aren’t back yet. It takes a while to run that many.”

Q: “What happened to [your ex]?”Clearly your old SO is not around anymore, so bringing him or her up is just plain awkward if not downright painful. It’s tempting to tell your interrogator to use his or her obviously keen powers of deduction, but it’s simpler just to say,

Response: “Sharks.”

Q: No questions at all.You run into someone at a holiday party who barely gives you a hello, let alone a passable conversation starter. Cue the crickets.

Response: “So, when is your baby due?”

Snappy Comebacks to Ten Inappropriate Questionsby: Kathryn Williams

(posted in divine caroline: http://www.divinecaroline.com/22060/120192-snappy-comebacks-ten-inappropriate-questions

Whether they’re sincerely mining for information or just trying to sneak in a low-blow, something about the holidays makes people think they are suddenly at liberty to ask wildly inappropriate questions. Next time your snarky cousin or senile great-aunt corners you with one of these gems, be ready to shoot from the hip.

Are You Ready for Holiday Fun or Dreading the Chaos?by: Tricia Dycka

The Holiday Season is a wonderful time for us to reconnect with our family and friends. We might have seen some of them just yesterday, and for others, many months or years have passed. We gather together enjoying a variety of delicious foods and beloved company, hopefully sharing a peaceful sense of gratitude for our lives. Unfortunately it can become a breeding ground for contempt, sarcasm, and some “charming” little comments. Soon after the initial hellos and hugs are over, the questions start rolling in…

“SO, exactly, what is it you are doing for work”? “Have you made any money with your, ‘business’ yet”? Oh, I see…“Maybe you should get a job”. Or perhaps the nit picking begins about decorations, table seating, food, and too much or not enough salt, “You should make the seafood salad just the way I do”. “Oh, is that what you will be wearing”? “Don’t you think you should wear a skirt to dinner”? It is the holidays after all. Hello??!! Please keep your opinions to yourself, for your own safety.

Why do some say whatever they want, without any regard for your feelings, and do not expect to receive an adverse reaction back? You should just stand there and take it, Little Ms. Lemming, fall in line…I think not. They open their mouths and insert, foot, leg and sometimes the whole body. Those type of comments stem from their own fears and inadequacies. Somehow wishful expectations of change each year never seem to happen. This year I am here to tell you it will be different. You can have an amazing holiday season with your friends and family. It is up to you and your choices that will determine the outcome.

OK, so you are just about to blow a gasket, what do you do?

Decide not to let anyone get under your skin. Button pressers will continue until you 1. are seeing blood red, Toro, Toro, Toro! Playing into this only accomplishes massive indigestion and heartache after eating all that delicious food, so not worth it.

Take a step back before responding. Think about where this is coming from. Feel 2. your emotions, do not resist them. Channel them into a constructive response that

resonates from within you. In retrospect you will not be kicking yourself due to your erratically explosive emotional response.

If there is someone whose behavior is totally 3. unacceptable, let them know that you will no longer tolerate it. You can accomplish so much more by speaking from a place of calmness, a place of truth and confidence, which will be more respected and listened to than the screaming matches that might transpire if you lose tempers. When people realize that they cannot provoke you, the situation starts to change.

Remember that this is a time for all to enjoy. Be grateful you are alive and with cherished loved ones. Drama is just that, drama, and some people are stuck on stupid when it comes down to it. Humbly show them how you can choose to act this holiday season. It can be a fabulous time where you are honestly engaged in intelligent conversation with each other, creating magnificent memories, or you can choose adverse reactions to negativity and replay the drama in your mind.

Which will it be for you? Have a Healthy Happy and Safe Holiday Season.

tricia DyckaTricia is an Entrepreneur, life enthusiast, author, intuitive, funny, very candid, great listener. Take the path less traveled. Living in the moment. Enjoys massive amounts of chocolate and coffee. Supportive friend who is there for you when everyone else has abandoned you and thinks you have lost your mind. Encourages entrepreneurs to embrace themselves so they can create an environment that supports their dreams. You can find me at www.triciadycka.com

Enjoy the Holidays: Share Memories, Love, Compassion and More!by Jill Stafford

The holidays are a special time. They can be a whirlwind of get-togethers with family and friends. They may include a Secret Santa exchange with colleagues at work, sending canned goods in to school with your young children to be given to families in need, school plays, church chorales. There are always the highly competitive yard decorators. Many towns have bus tours of the most amazing (a.k.a. tackiest) Christmas decorations of the year. There is time off and over-time. And shopping!!! And cooking!!!!

One of my all-time favorite holiday drama memories is a Thanksgiving dinner at my Aunt Minnie’s. My Step-Dad, George, was the youngest and my Aunt Minnie was the eldest sister and “Grande Dame” of the kitchen. We – my Mom, sister, brother and I – were pretty new to the family and I’ve got to say I was loving it!!!!! Bunches of cousins of all ages and aunts and uncles and wonderful smells coming from the kitchen and everyone in dressy clothes except for one of my uncles or cousins???? He was wearing his underwear tank shirt because, well that’s all he ever wore at home!!

Most of the women were in the tiny kitchen. I was hanging in the doorway, being way too young to actually be in the kitchen. I liked watching the women as they animatedly talked and smiled and laughed together. They sipped from wineglasses and wore aprons and ignored the men hollering back from the living room about when the food would be ready. It was almost dance-like the way the women moved about the kitchen and they formed a horseshoe shape around Aunt Minnie as she opened the oven and, an oven mitt on each hand, she reached in

and slowly pulled out the main course – a 20 lb. turkey!! Ahhhhh! Mmmmmm! Ohhhhhhh!!!!!! Noooooo… Clanging chaos replaced the reverent hush and though I was never sure, I was pretty sure that the last thing I saw before the kitchen door closed in my face was that big, beautiful turkey gliding under the kitchen table. My Aunt Minnie was on her knees with her arms outstretched. BAM! The door slammed. Then quiet. I stayed by the door. I wanted my Mom. I expected some yelling or something, but there was just what seemed like endless silence!

Eventually, the women emerged from the kitchen carrying a parade of food to the table. They were all smiling again as they filled the apartment with the aroma of holiday foods. None of the women spoke a word about what had happened. Ever. I have never known exactly what happened in the kitchen that afternoon, but what I do know is I learned I didn’t have to be afraid because not everyone yells when things go wrong. I also learned that when a group of awesome women put their heads together and help each other to solve problems good things happen!!

Whatever drama your holidays may threaten, here are 7 things to remember:

Take some time to remember favorite holiday memories.1.

Approach your holiday events from a centered place of love.2.

Keep compassionate comments on the tip of your tongue.3.

Keep your sense of humor.4.

Suspend judgmental attitudes.5.

Remember, too, it’s just another day!!!6.

Pitch in and enjoy!!!7.

Happy holidays amazing women!! And may the new year bring you much love and abundance!

‘tis the season...

JiLL StafforDJill Stafford combines her expertise in Holistic Teaching & Learning with her Professional Coaching practice, Meet Your Goals. Currently residing in Fredericksburg, VA, she enjoys working with adult college students with special needs, health and weight loss clients, as well as small business owners. Jill is highly creative and intuitive and is a radio host, song writer and author. You can find out more by checking out her website: http://vibrantyou.bodybyvi.com

Dealing with the Drama During the Holidays. How to Keep a Clear Head About You Without Getting Drawn Inby: Jihan Cover

Eggnog, gifts, turkey, lights, and of course…DRAMA.

I have heard that there are people who have no knowledge of this holiday drama I speak of. The in-laws all get along and don’t mind sharing their kids and grandkids for celebrations. Travel isn’t necessary, so no one ever worries about how they’re going to get home or how much it’ll cost. Two families’ traditions blend together seamlessly and everyone shares a good laugh over eggnog. I HEAR that this is a reality, but I’ve never actually experienced it myself.

For the rest of us, the holidays are a balancing act between cheer and stress. Finances, vacation days, gift giving, holiday cards, working out the holiday visitation schedule – and surviving those visits – is key to happy holidays, but how to do it.

Above all else, remember: JUST BREATHE.

Who enjoys the holiday most? Children. Who receives the most gifts? Children. Whose reaction is everyone watching ‘round the Christmas tree? Children. Holidays really are for the kids, and that gives parents – the keepers of the kids – the right to decide how to celebrate. Your job is to make the holiday season special and important to them. For many families, that means limiting holiday travel. It’s hard for a grandparent to argue when you explain you want to keep some of the magic alive by allowing kids to wake up in their own beds Christmas Day. The goal isn’t to dictate traditions but to make the ones you follow meaningful.

And for those of us without children, I say the same rules apply. Do you enjoy being in your own home for Christmas or Hannukah morning? Go for it. Alternate celebration destinations, do what makes your heart sing.

And again, JUST BREATHE.

With power comes great responsibility. Isn’t that the cliché? Well, it holds true during the holiday season, too.

You might put your foot down and ban holiday travel. I have personally decided I enjoyed the holidays too much to ruin them with guilt. No more. We might visit home near the holidays but not on them. Or we may decide to spend 2 weeks at one family home and not the other. Heck, we may even invite everyone we know to OUR PLACE.

Secondly, stick to your schedule as much as possible or necessary. Be up front about this. If you can and want to, take a day or two off and give everyone else your undivided attention. But if you can’t – or don’t want to – explain that you have to work and this is the schedule. You’ll be home at this hour. Dinner is at this time. Bedtime is at this one. Especially once kids are involved, schedules make things run smoothly. Maintaining your family’s might maintain your sanity.

But don’t be too much of a stickler. It is the holidays, and people are visiting because they love you and your kids. Let the kids stay home a day or two with Grandma and Grandpa, or spend an evening up well past their bedtime. Those are the times memories are made, and you look gracious doing it.

Still, every family visit has those moments, the times when grandparents question your parenting skills or grown siblings revert back to childhood disputes. Dealing with those is tricky, but doable.

Keep yourself above the fray. Don’t get into a child-rearing debate with your mother-in-law.

Stand your ground with a smile, a joke or a breezy comment.

Take a timeout. Do the dishes while everyone plays cards. Take a walk around the block.

Find a safe place to vent, whether it’s online or a close friend. Everyone needs an escape hatch. Remember to BREATHE.

And, I find, a glass or two of spiked eggnog never hurt anyone ;)

Jihan coverJihan is an Energy Leadership and Life Mastery Professional Certified Life Coach. She works with women (and men!) looking to discover their true “who” and start living the lives of their dreams. Jihan is also a wellness coach and passionate about helping people achieve health and wellness in all areas of their lives. She’s a mommy and a wife, a writer, radio show host, and lover of life! She loves living a life where she can truly help people.

You can find Jihan at www.liveaFABlife.com and www.jihancover.com

Family, Seeing Them for the Best That They Areby: Daye Salander

As we all have heard the saying “you can’t pick your family”, it makes it sounds like we are forced to live with whatever they happen to be dishing out or trying to shove down your throat on any given day. Come the holidays, that is often magnified which can easily turn a holiday into a stressful event, one you might even want to avoid.

I suppose there used to be stress at our family holiday gatherings but that has long since disappeared. Why? I’m not sure if it was my attitude towards it or if things actually changed somewhere along the way. I’m tempted to say it is because I see things differently now and therefore they are different.

We always have holiday dinners with my older sister. She is the only family in the state so that would make sense. We have never been a family that “travels home” for the holidays.

Years ago it was always a family joke that if she needed something, she was your best friend, otherwise you pretty much did not exist in her world. The other thing that everyone knew is that every few years you had to deal with a new boyfriend or husband and all the time wondering how long this one was going to last.

Now after saying those two disparaging things, let me apologize. My sister is incredibly intelligent, funny in kind of a dry English sort of way, driven, successful, an entrepreneur and moves at the speed of light. She is much “softer” than people take her for. She is a good cook, a good mother, and a good sister.

And there is where the drama ended. I concentrated on the best that she brings to the table and I just don’t worry about the other and it doesn’t phase me nor does it upset me nor do I even remember a time when I did not think of her in a positive way.

She may still say things to me that I don’t like but I honestly do not remember them. She may not live up to what I think she should but I got rid of that “bar” long ago so I really have no idea. She may ignore me or not think of me for months on end but in an instant I’m excited when I hear from her. I hold no grudge, no judgment, and no bad memories.

What I do remember are the good memories. Of how she got a bit tipsy and we played Categories and how incredibly funny she was. Or the times we partnered at cards and we both play completely cut-throat (we don’t care if we slam our kids or husbands) and giggled all the way to winning. I remember the hugs and the laughs and the brief moments that make up a lifetime of the good there is between us.

I know that I often hear it said to stay away from those that draw you down and yes, in many ways I do agree with that but I also have learned that if you let go and seek the good and the kind in others and hold on to those parts, the other parts do not matter and they will not affect you. You decide to take the best of what they have to offer and rejoice in those things and let everything else just fall away.

This year, for us, my nephew is in the middle of chemo. At 31 he is battling cancer and has lost his kidneys. For me, I am going to rejoice in the time we have – all of us together, for none of us know how many more memories we have time to make. Stop screwing with the small stuff and the BS and just look for and enjoy the things that your family has to offer and take “expectations” out of the equation.

So, as we enter this holiday season, may each of you find joy and memories that add to the fabric of your life.

Daye SaLanDerDaye is a bit like a multi-colored coat for over the years she has followed dreams that have taken her in many directions; from graphic design, journalism, Webpage Coding & Creation to clothing design. In her most recent adventure, Daye has given into her love of antiques and the associated history and has become a antiques dealer.

http://JunkboxTreasures.comhttp://Facebook.com/JunkboxTreasures

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