2

for ANZAPA #258 - December 2010

and for display on eFanzines (www.efanzines.com)

Creationists believe that God hates show tunes.

Evolutionists say that show tunes are a natural way

for the sick and feeble minded to recognize each other.

Which group is correct?

…posted on a window back stage of Melbourne‟s State Theatre

Contents

The Life of Graeme ............................................................................................................................................ 3

This Issue‟s Cover .............................................................................................................................................. 5

Letters from America ......................................................................................................................................... 6

Rare excerpt from my personal diary ................................................................................................................. 7

LoC from Tim Train ........................................................................................................................................... 8

Confessions of a science fiction fan ................................................................................................................... 9

Happy Christmas, Mervyn ............................................................................................................................... 22

Space Age urban myth ..................................................................................................................................... 23

Commuting by jetpack – the only way to go in 2011 ....................................................................................... 23

Conventions on the horizon .............................................................................................................................. 24

Clerihew corner ................................................................................................................................................ 25

Stefan zone ....................................................................................................................................................... 26

Art, etc. credits… Cover: Graphic by Ditmar

Page 2 Photos of Bill Wright and Dick Jenssen

Page 3 Graphic by Ditmar

Page 4 Illustration by Terry Morris

Page 5 Illustration by John Bangsund

Page 6 Illustration by Ian Gunn

Page 8 Photo of NZ‟s MONIAC computer (1949)

Page 8 Photo of the late Sebastian Horsley

Page 9 Magazine cover of short story by Sydney

Futurians founder-member Vol Molesworth

Page 9 Photo of Mervyn Binns producing

fanzines on the Roneo duplicator (1956)

Page 9 Cover MSFC journal Etherline (1957)

Pages 10-21 Photos of Mervyn Binns and friends

from the 1950s to Aussiecon 4 in 2010

Page 22 Photos by Helena Binns

Page 23 Amazing pictures of jetpack commutes

Page 24 Convention logos

Page 25 Illustration by Ian Gunn

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The Life of Graeme

So you think you have it tough - Try this for size…

It‟s a personal account, totally unedited, of the life of a young

man called Graeme, written eight years ago at about the time of

his 35th birthday. Allegorically, but graphically, it briefly

describes his life up to that time. It also provides an

extraordinary insight into the character and personality of the

man.

Graeme, a natural writer and an intelligent, questioning man,

had no formal training in the art of writing. He educated

himself by searching to extend his knowledge about all he

became interested in.

Graeme died a few days ago, aged 43 years, from

complications associated with Tourette‟s syndrome and

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

The Walls of Purgatory graphic by Ditmar

This is Graeme's story…

It was a bright and shiny day in Heaven when the Lord was sitting on top of his Big Golden Throne made out

of marshmallows, candy and smiles. All of a sudden he heard a rumbling below and shouted, “What is all that

commotion?" The angels, as one, chorused. “We are so bored, my Lord!" The Lord sat back in his Big Golden

Throne and thought. “Hmm ok, I have an idea my sweet angels. Come up and sit next to me". So he gathered

all his angels and they all gathered around the Lord.

“Ok, well I have been thinking, my sweet angels, and I have an idea how to take your boredom away. Would

you like me to keep you entertained for the next... say... 35 years?"

"Oh yes please, my Lord. That would be wonderful," the angels squealed.

“Fabulous," said the Lord, "Well, here's my plan. I'm going to take a baby, any baby," he giggled under his

breath, "and I'm going to make him start thrashing his head so hard against his shoulder blade that his head

will hurt. Then I will make him smash his elbow into his side so as to give him intense bruising and tummy

pains for a long, long time! His body will move in all kinds of weird and wonderful ways, and his language

will be extremely loud and foul. The look on his face will keep you amused for years, my sweet angels!”

"Hoorah!" exclaimed the angels!

"Oh, don't get too excited as I am barely even started yet. I am also going to make him emit silly, annoying

sounds. Not only will you be laughing, I will give the whole world a chance to do so as well, for your Lord is

a sharing Lord. He will curse out every single type of person, as your Lord is a very fair Lord and he doesn't

discriminate. He will call thin people fat, straight people gay, and those he loves he will say he hates! How

clever and amusing is that my sweet angels? But that's not all. I will also give him a drinking habit that will

segregate and destroy his friends, his family and work, but because I am a fair Lord, I will stop this drinking

just before he has a chance to be up here with all of us! And Satan thinks HE has his own little hell!"

And the angels all bellowed with laughter.

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The angels were so very happy with the Lords plan that they demanded more. "W ell let's not be

too over the top. After all, it's only something to while your time away." The angels were

disheartened. "Ok, well maybe just one more thing. How about I add in a little extra where he

cannot keep any food down and his body turns into a terrible mess and he finds it so very difficult

to recover and I will also play a tiny trick on him where he creates laughter, finger pointing and

amusement everywhere he goes ... and the best part of-this game is that you will be able to watch

him every waking minute of the day!"

The Lord sat back and watched the angels cheering, but then all of a sudden he noticed out of the

corner of his eye, one little angel sitting cross-legged, with his head bowed. The Lord went and

sat down beside the angel and whispered, “What is wrong my sweet angel?"

"Well, my Lord, this is a very fun game but isn‟t it a bit silly to put a little baby, who will turn into

a man, who hasn't done anything to hurt you, through so much pain and torture for the whole of

his life?"

The Lord thought for a second. "I know what you mean my sweet angel, so I have accounted for that…

"Fear not, my sweet angel, for I will also give the baby an almighty strength of character and will help him

cope. I will also give him a loving home with a beautiful family and I will surround him with a bevy of

immensely supporting friends who will watch over him and help him through life. I will endow him with a

charming wit, intelligence, a giving, caring nature and a sparkle in his eye. But the one thing that will save this

boy, sweet angel ... I will give him hope that I have saved for ten men.”

The Lord smiled, as he knew, amongst all the pain, that the baby would be ok.

5

This Issue’s Cover

It’s Santa Clause, Jim, but not as we know him... Graphic and notes by Dick Jenssen

The exploration of other universes on nearby branes has been intense, swift and as thorough as possible. It

was reported in the previous issue of Interstellar Ramjet Scoop that glimpses into the plethora of universes

described by String Theory have been effected, but only for, so far, three such alternates. The „glimpses‟ are

fragmentary, lasting but for a few minutes at a time, and could be variable in both space and time – the

piecing together of such shards is problematic at best, and for two of the neighbouring universes is nigh

impossible inasmuch as they seem devoid of life, even though the views of both are apparently from the

surfaces of respective planets. Stars are in evidence. The third universe – and again the sightings are from the

one planet – has provided the most coherent set of „shards‟.

When the contact with the universes was reported, and the fragmentary views described, the response from

some scientists was negative in the extreme, and disbelief, coupled with violently vituperative comments, was

the reaction of some reactionary theorists. It was, perhaps, unfortunate that the word „shard‟ was used in the

preliminary reports, for this was seized upon by the antagonists who pointed out that one meaning of the word

was „a patch of cow-dung‟. Fortunately the disbelievers were in the minority, and when four other research

institutes, world-wide, reported contact with the same three branes, criticism was reduced to a small group.

The cover photograph is from the most recent release of information from the Kimball Research Faculty, an

affiliate of the Super Hadron Collider, and forms part of the „story‟ reported on in the previous issue of IRS.

It seems that the submarine – apparently called the Cedilla (the under-sea cedilla, of course [Note 1]) – which

had foundered on a viscous beach had been salvaged, restored and refitted, and was continuing its

explorations. Because the values of the fundamental constants [Note 2] of the parallel universe were so close

to ours, the evolution of that universe, creation of stars, planets and life followed a remarkably similar course.

Even to the extent – though this is so extraordinary that the deniers of the reality of the other worlds use it as

fuel for their extreme dubiety – that an avatar of our Santa Claus exists!

Clearly, the mysteries of our neighbour are vast, complex and even, perhaps, unfathomable. As more

information is gleaned, readers of IRS will, of course be kept informed.

Notes:

1. Thanks to John Bangsund for the cedilla under sea joke. I heard it

some forty years ago, and have never forgotten. The drawing is by

Bangsund. He liked to illustrate his puns.

2. Just Six Numbers by Martin Rees, and The Constants of Nature

by John D. Barrow.

The Primal Nerd’s Corner

The image on the right is a 216-digit number displayed as an 18x12 matrix. As is

obvious, it clearly contains an image of the digit „2‟. To „unpack‟ the number, add

the second row to the end of the first, the third row to the end of that, and so on. This

216-digit number is a prime! Which pattern-wise hides within itself the image of the

only even prime number...

Now consider the 10x10 array on the left. Every row

and column and diagonal is a prime number! But wait:

Every row and column and diagonal written backwards

is also a prime number!! There’s more: unpacking the array as for the number on

the right results in a 100-digit number which is also a prime!!! And that’s not

all: that 100-digit number written backwards is also a prime!!!!

There‟s more to be found in Prime Curios! by Chris Caldwell and G L Honaker

Jr. My copy came from – as usual – amazon.com. With the Aussie dollar above

parity with the US dollar it‟s a good time to bulk up the library.

Ditmar

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Letters from America

Loc from Lloyd Penney

1706-24 Eva Rd., Etobicoke, Ontario, CANADA M9C 2B2

October 30th, 2010

Dear Bill:

It‟s time for another letter of comment, this time the October Interstellar Ramjet Scoop. I hope everyone‟s

recovered from Aussiecon 4.Things should be warming up there as it gets cooler here. What else can I say?…

Alternate universes in the order of 10500

? One is difficult enough to figure out, if that‟s possible at all. If this is

true, can a universe be called a universe? A paraverse? The megaverse? The more there are books that allow

the public a look into these theoretical aspects of reality, the more they‟ll be accepted.

Chris‟ loc…yup, Ditmar will be on my ballot next year. Hey, Aussiecon members, remember that even if you

are not a member of the Reno Worldcon, you can still nominate for the Reno Hugos. (If you want to vote on

the final ballot, you must be a Reno member.)

My loc…nope, no silver rocket for me, but the ride was great, and I hope I get the chance to ride in Reno. We

plan to be there, barring unforeseen circumstances. More Hobbit news; the filming of the first of the two

Hobbit movies starts in February. Yay!

Dinosaur computers? When Yvonne and I got married, one of our wedding presents was a Vic20. I don‟t think

we used it beyond making sound effects for a slide show, We‟ve been smart shoppers when it comes to

electronics; we won‟t buy it unless we decide that we need it. One computer I‟d like to see is the proposed

reproduction of Charles Babbage‟s difference engine, and see what it can actually do. If memories could be

downloaded onto computers, that would mean that they could be made into files. If you are forgetful, could

your memories literally be backed up on a disk?

I wonder if Jan Stinson would get her own Ditmar for Steam Engine Time. True, she‟s not Australian, but if

she was the co-editor of the zine, should she get her own trophy?

The Aurora Awards are the latest awards to hand out nomination pins, and for those of us who have been

gathering a handful of nominations over the years, we will receive one pin to cover all of those. There will be

a special ceremony next month at a new convention called SFContario, and Yvonne and I will be among a

throng of people who will receive our special pins. I hope to add it to my Hugo nomination pin, which has not

yet arrived at my address.

All done for now, have to start thinking about going to work this evening. Many thanks, and see you next

issue. Happy Hallowe‟en!

Yours, Lloyd Penney.

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LoC from Chris Garcia

October 18th, 2010

1401 North Shoreline Boulevard, Mountain View CA 94943, United States of America

Sadly, time is short, but I had to get this off before I forgot.

Dick Jensen‟s my hero, not only for that fantastic cover, but for his piece on the Ancient Computers of the

kind that fill the Computer History Museum, where I type this LoC. CSIRAC is mentioned in the Timeline of

Computer History exhibit we‟re just putting the finishing touches on, and it‟s mentioned in one of my sections

about Computer Music. While some argue for a couple of English machines, CSIRAC is certainly the first

general-purpose computer to play music and that music still survives! It‟s an amazing machine, and I

understand it still exists!

We have something from Silliac (I believe a paper tape) though I‟ve never heard of UTECOM, so perhaps I‟ll

have to drag more info out of Ditmar on it! Now here‟s the funny part: we‟ve got a part of it. The English

Electric Deuce computer used a drum memory, which was eventually given to us. It even has the property tag

from the School of Engineering!

I do know a good deal about ILLIAC, have worked with pieces of it, have heard the record The Illiac Suite,

the first computer to compose music, and have studied it‟s use in music and calculation. It‟s a majorly

important machine and the ILLIAC-IV is in the collection of the museum. It was the multi-processor version

that was supposed to be in Illinois and ended up at Moffett Field here in California.

Now it looks like I should be trying to set-up an Oral History of Ditmar. If I could only find a funder for the

trip…

Even earlier than anything the Greeks did as a calculator was a tax figurer from Babylonia, of which at least

one reference seems to exist. It‟s one of those thing us Historian Types argue about. I think the description

that boils down to „taxed according to the turn of a wheel‟ would indicate at least a basic analog computing

device.

There is a gentleman in the UK who is trying to get several million bucks to build an Analytical Engine.

Technologically, it‟s doable.

It is almost painful reading all the Aussiecon coverage. I so wish I could have been there. That, and shortly

thereafter the loss of my beloved Geelong Cats in the Premiereship made it even harder. And then they lost

Ablett to Gold Coast. So much pain!!! I am hoping that a 2012 visit to down that way will be doable. I‟ve

been trying to convince Linda to run for DUFF, which would make it even easier!

That photo of Ditmar and John Hertz is a great way to end a zine!

I guess it wasn‟t so brief after all!

Thanks

Chris

--

Rare excerpt from my personal diary

Thursday 27th October 2010

Last night was one of the most enjoyable Fourth Wednesdays yet. Good food and good company is a good

mix, except that Sarah Endacott‟s so-called „gourmet pizza‟ looked to me to be inedible judging from the way

she was sawing at the thing and pushing bits and pieces of it around on the plate. The movement of her fork

had a mesmerising effect on me. So, to break the spell, I interrupted her conversation with the waiter and

chose her wine for her. I thought about that when I woke up at three o‟clock this morning and examined my

conscience.

Bill Wright

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LoC from Tim Train

18th

October 2010

Bill, I‟ve been leafing through IRS and enjoying it muchly, as always. I read out portions of Ditmar's piece on

working with CSIRAC and LWRE and other early computers to Alexis: She, too, admires Ditmar‟s ability to

explain complicated/technical details in simple and entertaining ways. That being said I'm still trying to work

up the courage to read his explanation of 'this issue's cover' - every time I glance at it words such as

'superstring theory' and 'Large Hadron Collider' and 'Brownian motion' leap out at me. I did a BA. 'Brownian

motion' sounds to me less like a physical state and more like something that happens in the lavatory.

However, all that aside, Ditmar's piece on CSIRAC reminded me again of this piece on MONIAC, which my

father sent to me some time ago (and I mentioned last month):

LINK: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MONIAC

exhibited at the Reserve Bank of New Zealand →

Wikipedia explains: "The MONIAC (Monetary National Income

Analogue Computer) also known as the Phillips Hydraulic Computer

and the Financephalograph, was created in 1949 by the New Zealand

economist Bill Phillips (William Phillips) to model the national economic

processes of the United Kingdom."

It goes on to describe the workings of the MONIAC: "The MONIAC was

approximately 2 m high, 1.2 m wide and almost 1 m deep, and consisted of

a series of transparent plastic tanks and pipes which were fastened to a wooden board. Each tank represented

some aspect of the UK national economy and the flow of money around the economy was illustrated by

coloured water. At the top of the board was a large tank called the treasury. Water (representing money)

flowed from the treasury to other tanks representing the various ways in which a country could spend its

money. For example, there were tanks for health and education. To increase spending on health care a tap

could be opened to drain water from the treasury to the tank which represented health spending. Water then

ran further down the model to other tanks, representing other interactions in the economy. Water could be

pumped back to the treasury from some of the tanks to represent taxation. Changes in tax rates were modelled

by increasing or decreasing pumping speed."

I assume Ditmar knows about all this already! Anyway, there really is one on display in Melbourne: The

MONIAC at The University of Melbourne, Australia, is on permanent display in the main building of the

Faculty of Business and Economics (1st Floor, Business and Economics Building, 57 Swanston St, Parkville,

Melbourne). The faculty has extended an invitation to anyone interested in restoring the MONIAC to

functional capacity. When Mum and Dad get here in a few days I'll take them to visit, I think.

Thanks for the review of Badgers Dozen in your August 2010 issue. I notice that Chris Garcia commented on

it in the October 2010 issue. He sounds interested, so I'd better contact him shortly.

I looked up details of 'The Chap' again; I got their web address wrong last time.

The correct weblink is: www.thechap.net. „The Chap‟ takes a wry look at the

modern world through the steamed-up monocle of a more refined age, occasionally

getting its sock suspenders into a twist at the unspeakable vulgarity of the twenty-

first century, eg.

“Since 1999, The Chap has been championing the rights of that increasingly

marginalised and discredited species of Englishman - the gentleman. The Chap

believes that a civilisation without courteous behaviour and proper headwear is a

society on the brink of moral and sartorial collapse, and it seeks to reinstate such

outmoded but indispensable gestures as hat doffing, giving up one's seat to a lady

and regularly using a trouser press”

Do poke around the website; it is quite entertaining. Cheerio! Tim

Lounging is the late Sebastian Horsley, erstwhile role model for readers of ‘The Chap’ bent on depravity.

Sebastian’s fame came from doing very little, really, except by way of debauchery from which he died. Ed.

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Confessions of a science fiction fan

In the editor’s Aussiecon 4 report in IRS October 2010, there are two pages celebrating the giving of the

Forrest J Ackerman Big Heart Award to foundation member (1952) and early mainstay of the Melbourne

Science Fiction Club, Mervyn R Binns. Mervyn was speechless then, but IRS has prevailed upon him to jot

down his reminiscences after the event. Here they are now…

- - Ж - -

“The Speech I might have given when I was presented with the Big Heart Award at AUSSIECON 4

(if I hadn‟t been at a loss for words).” by Mervyn Russell Binns

--

I have been interested in science, real and imagined and the world in general, for over seventy years. It started

with the Buck Rogers comic strip that I read in my mother‟s copies of the New Idea magazine in the 1930s

and my father pointing out the constellations in the stars, among other things.

It was comics and boys‟ magazines and a copy of a small magazine-

format science fiction novel which I read when I was about five years

old, by Vol Molesworth (who, I discovered many years later, was one

of the founders of the Futurian Science Fiction Society in Sydney), that

furthered my interest in astronomy and other related scientific matters.

I did not know that the stuff I liked reading was called science fiction

and attempts to find more such literature led me to reading actual

science writings rather than fiction. A radio serial based on Australian

journalist Erle Cox‟s novel OUT OF THE SILENCE, movie serials

such as Flash Gordon, the Dan Dare comic magazine and such as

Brick Bradford comic strips and finally the first real SF magazine

published in Australia, Thrills Incorporated, as bad as it was, were

further fuel for my interest.

I read other types of books that my father bought me and I was an avid

reader of the newspapers and various magazines. However it was not

until I started working for McGill‟s Newsagency bookshop in the city

of Melbourne, when I was seventeen, that I actually discovered

SCIENCE FICTION, in the form of British editions of Astounding

Science Fiction magazine.

When a customer at McGills, Bob McCubbin, invited me to meet some

other people who read “science fiction”, I discovered that I was a

“science fiction fan”. That small group including Race Mathews, Lee Harding, Dick Jenssen, Bob McCubbin

and there may have been others, whom I have forgotten, formed the Melbourne Science Fiction Group in

1952. I continued working for McGills and I made them the main source of SF literature in Melbourne, while

the SF group began to grow. McGills was the obvious place for me to meet and introduce more people to the

SF Group. I never had any friends when at school and to finally find people

who actually shared my interests led to a new way of life for me.

We had problems finding a regular place to meet in the early years, but we

set up a library and I became the

librarian. We produced fanzines,

such as Etherline featuring club

news, book reviews, letters and

articles by fans here and overseas

and edited by Ian Crozier, and

Perhaps edited by Lee Harding and

Dick Jenssen, duplicated by me on

the Roneo duplicator that we

purchased, under the name of

Amateur Fantasy Publications.

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Meanwhile Race Mathews published Bacchanalia. Bob McCubbin made us aware of other SF fans and clubs

in Sydney, such as the Sydney Futurians, Don Tuck in Tasmania and Roger Dard in Western Australia. Bob

corresponded with British fan and bookseller Ken Slater and he put me in touch with him, whom I began

buying books from for the group. Through contact with Ken Slater and his Fantast Medway organisation I

made contact with fans in the USA. Bob discovered that British authors A Bertram Chandler and Arthur C.

Clarke would be visiting us. Bert made a number of visits as first officer on ships from Britain but finally

settled in Sydney, Australia. We said hello to Clarke on his way to the Great Barrier Reef to research his

books. Ian Crozier who was producing ETHERLINE came in contact with Forrest J. Ackerman and Robert

Bloch and other American fans and produced news and information from them in ETHERLINE. He was

sending copies to fans in various parts of Australia and the US and Britain. We learnt that Sydney fans were a

quite active group and had been holding SF Conventions for a few years and in 1954 we decided that we

would like to hold one. Some of us attended some conventions in Sydney and we decided to bid for 1956,

which we gained and called OLYMPICON, because Melbourne was hosting the Olympic Games that year. It

was Australia‟s 5th National Convention.

It was unfortunate that fandom in Sydney was in some disarray and only one or two from Sydney, including

author Norma Hemming, who wrote a play for us to produce, attended. Author Frank Bryning was our Guest

of Honour, we had a small but reasonable attendance for the program, displays and the play and we all

enjoyed the con very much. I was certainly hooked! That two days in the Melbourne suburb of Richmond‟s

town hall was followed two years later by another successful little get-together, MELCON, in the same place

one day and a country trip on the next.

The Melbourne Science Fiction “Club” which it was becoming to be

called, battled to survive from the late fifties on, due to limited premises,

and many early devotees dropped out, including Bob McCubbin and Ian

Crozier. Eventually I managed to talk the McGill‟s management into

allowing us to use the top floor of their store, in the Somerset Place lane

at the rear of the store. Few people attended the meetings until a 1960s

new member Paul Stevens and I decided to screen regular movies. They

were quite successful. Meanwhile fandom was growing in Melbourne,

though the majority of fans involved were not interested in attending club

eetings. Merv in Somerset Place lane, 1968 photo by Michael O‟Brien

That was mainly due to the rather unattractive room we were

using and the old hydraulic lift we had to use to get to it. Noel

Kerr took on the job of producing a club magazine, which we

called The Somerset Gazette, while other people were producing

numerous zines such John Bangsund with his Australian Science

Fiction Review, independently of the SF club. John introduced

mainstream author but long time SF reader George Turner to SF

fandom. John Foyster and others were producing their zines and

corresponding with fans in Australia and overseas.

At left are fans from the 1960s in Somerset Place MSFC

clubroom - photo by Mervyn Barrett

Establishing new contacts and expanding the long time interaction with the overseas fans that had been going

on for many years, was carried on by such as Don Tuck. Our friend Chris Nelson has recently been

chronicling details of very early Australian fandom and contact with overseas fans, in his zine Mumblings

From Munchkinland. In the 1960s I was buying books and magazines for the MSFC library from American

dealers and fans including F&SF Books and Dick Witter, Gordon Rix in Canada and many others.

I was determined to keep the club operating, and borrowing books from the library and getting books for

members was a major reason for continuing. Being employed close to the room was of course very convenient

for me. It became my whole life. It was through me and the mailings I used to do, that a way of fans keeping

in touch with one another, and learning about various activities that may be taking place, was maintained.

Fandom was growing in Melbourne and all over Australia, encouraged by the fanzine producers and

correspondents - and one of the busiest was John Foyster. He said that it was about time that we had another

11

convention. So in 1966, after an eight-year break, it was held in the unlikely place the MSFC was meeting in.

It was well attended - too well attended, with over fifty people in rather cramped quarters. The different parts

of Melbourne came together thanks to John Foyster whose efforts resulted in ANZAPA and the NOVA MOB

meetings. Following conventions were held in the late 1960s at places other than 19 Somerset Place,

organised by me, Paul Stevens and other people, and Melbourne fans were seriously considering the bid to

hold a World SF Convention in Melbourne. Apparently even then my involvement in fan activities was

appreciated as they named me GoH of the 9th Natcon in 1970. Our first con held at a hotel was at the Savoy

Plaza (not far from where our world cons three and four were later held) with expatriate American fan Ron

Smith as GoH.

It was about this time that the Australian SF Achievement awards were dreamed up by Lee Harding, Dick

Jenssen and me. Dick, who had even then and has ever since, seen me as a prime subject for his leg-pulling,

came up with the name “Ditmars” when we were endeavouring to dream up a name for the awards. His facile

explanation was that it was an acronym for Digital Integrating and Tabulating Mechanism for the

Advancement of Research. I did not know at that time that Ditmar was his actual given name. It was

marvellous that he was even awarded a DITMAR as Fan Artist at “Dudcon” (the lame-duck Australian 2010

Natcon) during AUSSIECON 4, for his great computer designed illustrations. Possibly the only fan to receive

an award in his own name.

1970 was the end of an era and the beginning of a new one, for myself

and Melbourne - and Australian, for that matter - Science Fiction

fandom. The club and working for McGills was becoming a conflict

of interests, and I had dreamed of having a bookshop of my own, so

when fan friend and customer Ron Graham suggested I open a

bookshop of my own with his backing, heaven opened its doors.

Ron Graham with Merv’s father Ern Binns.

Space Age Books

When I opened SPACE AGE BOOKS with Lee Harding‟s

and Paul Stevens‟ help, the World Con bid was also in full

sway. The two things grew together and Space Age was

able to help publicise the bid and all the cons that would be

held in Melbourne. The MSFC was, you might say, “in

recess” and suggested meetings in Space Age‟s cramped

upper premises were impractical.

However, when we moved to larger premises a few doors

away we had a lot more room. The club library was brought

in from Paul Stevens‟ and John Breden‟s flat and established in the upstairs lunchroom.

Membership and attendance grew with fans such as Alan Stewart taking over the running of the club. The

members finally decided that they needed better premises and in due course got themselves properly

organised where they are now, in the Melbourne suburb of Brunswick. My active involvement with the club

ended with the move, but I have attended meetings including mini-cons

at the club premises. In 2005 a few other friends and I were made Life

Members of the club, which I very sincerely appreciated.

My involvement with fandom, though, has never deteriorated. While

Space Age Books was developing, I and other Melbourne fans attended

the Sydney con in 1970, Melbourne cons were held in suburban theatres

and halls and finally our first hotel convention, not far from where

AUSSIECONs three and four were held, the Savoy Plaza.

The Victoria Hotel also, a small hotel close to the Melbourne Town hall

mid city, became the scene for a number of cons including Easter 1973,

when a memorable musical play, Joe Phaust, was staged, with John

Foyster as the older Joe and Lee Harding as The Devil. Merv Binns and Paul Stevens at a Space Age party.

12

While these conventions were being held, Paul Stevens got

together with documentary film maker John Litchen and a

film was made to help publicise the World Con bid. The

scenario dreamed up by Paul Stevens turned out to be a riot

and everybody both sides of the Pacific loved it. Fans such as

Jack Chalker and Jan Finder screened it at cons in the USA,

which no doubt helped to secure our win for the 1975 World

Con. I do not recall exactly whose idea making the film was,

but apart from appearing in it as myself, I certainly had some

input into it. My Space Age Books partner Ron Graham

financed the sound track making for the movie, with Lee

Harding doing the commentary. Leigh Edmonds’s funeral in the AntiFan film

In August 1973 a group of us flew over to Toronto in Canada to attend the World SF Convention being held

there. Our resident travel agent Robin Johnson organised my trip via Hong Kong where I did a bit of shopping

and London, where I visited all the bookshops I could find. Then I caught up with New Zealander and one

time Melbourne resident and member of the MSFC, Merv Barrett. Merv took me to meet some British fans at

a pub. I visited Ken and Joyce Slater in Cambridgeshire and they me served up a very substantial British lunch

of steamed vegetables. An e-mail received from British fan Phil Harbottle, via Bruce Gillespie, while I was

writing this, informed us that British author E. C. “Ted” Tubb had passed away. Ted was the author of many

SF stories and novels published in Britain, the USA and Europe, including the Dumarest series and editor of

the magazine Authentic. He was 91. It reminded me that I met Ted very briefly when Merv Barrett took me to

meet him at a London railway station (where he was in a stall apparently promoting a food product) during

my stay in London in 1973.

After a glorious flight across the Atlantic, seeing Greenland to the North with a pattern of ice flows clearly

visible, I got to Toronto. I met Susan Wood and Robert Bloch first morning at the hotel and then many more

fans and authors including Joe and Gay Haldeman and Forry Ackerman, with whom we had been in touch for

many years. At a First Fandom party, which Ron Graham took me along to as his guest, I was in a room with

authors who I practically worshipped such as Isaac Asimov, Poul Anderson, Harry Harrison, Marion Zimmer

Bradley and quite obviously the rest of the hierarchy of SF writers and editors. I felt that I was floating six feet

above the floor. The hundreds of fans attending TORCON seemed to be just the same cross range of types of

people, as you would see at an Aussie con. There were just many more of them.

They all got a great laugh out of me when I paraded across the stage

in the masquerade in an ancient Egyptian style costume made for me

by my friend and assistant John Breden, depicting a character from

Roger Zelazny‟s Creatures of Light and Darkness.

The trouble was, John had neglected to tell me how to put on the

sandals and I went flip-flopping across the stage accompanied by a

roar of laughter from the audience.

Mervyn and Heidi at Torcon 1973 Masquerade

After TORCON I flew on to New York, where I met Melbourne born literary agent Cherry Weiner and visited

Dick Witter at SF&F Bookstore on Staten Island, from whom I had been buying books for quite a few years. I

went by bus there, via a tunnel I think, but came back by ferry. Took a great photo of the city, twin towers and

all then, from the ferry. Stopped in Chicago to see an old Melbourne friend Ross Cozens who had been living

and working in the USA for some years. He took me up the Sears Tower at night and afterwards on a boat trip

on the lake.

Next stop Los Angeles where I was picked up at the airport by West Coast fan and author Jack Chalker,

whom LASFS members had asked to look after me. I formed an acquaintance with Jack that endured for some

years. I stopped in the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel in Hollywood Boulevard, had lunch with Fred Patten at a

Mongolian style restaurant, attended a LASFS meeting, visited Disneyland, visited Forry Ackerman‟s home

and saw his enormous collection of SF books and movie memorabilia. Then dropped in to San Francisco and

went to visit Charlie Brown at his home on Oakland and had dinner with him and other fans including

13

LOCUS people. I missed my correct flight home from there and I was forced spend a day in Hawaii, which

gave me the opportunity to visit Pearl Harbour. My first overseas trip was over.

From 1969 on, conventions in Australia were being held every

year. Overseas guests included the first DUFF winner Lesleigh

Luttrell in 1972 and Bill Rotsler in 1977. (I still wear a badge that

he painted for me and he did one for Helena also.) AUSSIECON

ONE was a great success in 1975 with GoH Ursula LeGuin and a

great turn-up of other authors, most of whom we got to Space Age

Books shop to meet customers and sign books. As Space Age was

the only bookseller involved at that time and as an alternative to

the display of dozens of dealers at American cons, I organised a

display by Australian publishers and book wholesalers.

Mervyn & friends at Melbourne Eastercon 1979

Fandom had really taken off in Australia after AUSSIECON ONE and clubs had even been formed at

universities in most, if not all, Australian states. In 1978 The Melbourne University club had invited five

overseas guests but luckily for them, only two accepted and they were Brian Aldiss and Roger Zelazny. Paul

Stevens and I endeavoured to advise them and Space Age edited and had their program book printed. To that

date it was the largest attendance at a local convention that we had held I believe, despite its problems, which

I will not detail here. UNICON IV, a combined Unicon and Natcon convention, chaired by the late

RogerWeddall and friends, had its moments. How could it not, with such great guests.

Gordon Dickson was the GoH of Syncon in August 1979 and other overseas visitors to that con included Ken

Fletcher, Linda Lounsbury and Koichi Yamamoto. Gordy came down to Melbourne also and we had him

signing books at Space Age. As Australia was again bidding for a World Con I decided to attend SEACON in

England and help publicise our bid for 1983.

I took off soon after Gordy‟s visit to the USA on the way to Britain. I stopped briefly in San Francisco, had

dinner with Charlie Brown and friends from Locus, experiencing some welcome fan hospitality. I walked

down from the city to Fishermen‟s Wharf, which I had seen depicted in movies, because the cable trams were

not running, and had sore feet for the rest of my trip. Had a meal in a Grant Street Chinese restaurant. Went on

to New York and saw some major new movies, including ALIEN and Frank Langella‟s DRACULA.

Yes, by 1979 we were looking at holding another World Convention. I had started to publish my

AUSTRALIAN SCIENCE FICTION NEWS - not to be confused with Graham Stone‟s SF NEWS which I had

forgotten about at the time - in 1978. My idea was to publicise the new bid and endeavour to tell fans all over

Australia what was happening in the SF world. (In other words an Australian version of Locus.) Charlie

Brown, editor of LOCUS, and Andy Porter who was by then publishing SF CHRONICLE, graciously allowed

me to print news and photos from their zines. I do not know how much ASFN helped the cause, but the bid

was in full flow by 1979. A group of us went to SEACON in Brighton, England, to help publicise the bid.

We even sneaked in a display in the masquerade based on Cordwainer Smith‟s Lords of the Instrumentality in

which George Turner, John Foyster, Justin Ackroyd, and Alex Wasiliew joined me in costume and holding up

a banner stating “Australia in 1983”. Photo by Helena Roberts:

From left: Justin Ackroyd, John Foyster, George Turner,

Jan Howard Finder (foreground), Mervyn Binns, Alex Wasiliew,

14

It was supposed to be held in Sydney, but after the American fans told us that they wanted the con in

Baltimore that year, though they would support for 1985, the Sydney people were apparently not enthusiastic

about continuing, or so I believe. John Foyster, not wanting us to miss out on another World Con,

immediately said Melbourne would bid for ‟85 and set about organising it and we were successful. Full credit

should be paid to John Foyster for all he did over the years to put Australian SF fandom on the map and

encourage us to make the most of our friendship with fans all over.

SEACON was an outstanding affair for one reason in particular and that was because there were so many

authors in attendance from all over. Some people who had never met before and probably may never have met

again. It was a privilege to say hello to Arthur Clarke and to see so many other authors and fans, who had

simply been photos and names in books and magazines. I spent a bit of time in the evenings with Jack

Chalker, drinking British beer laced with lime juice and listening to Gerry Pournelle in full voice. We did not

know where, if any room parties were being held. The rooms were practically only broom cupboard size at

any rate.

I did not do much else while in England apart from a trip around the sights in London with my Melbourne fan

friend Helena Roberts, who had taken photos of me throwing paper planes at Aussiecon One. Incidentally, we

had been friends since 1958 when she first turned up at the MSFC and made friends with other MSFC

members, but she married fellow artist Kelvin Roberts, who had emigrated from England after World War 2.

We remained friends and they regularly attended my get-togethers. When Kelvin died and later my father,

whom I had been living with, also passed on, we decided to share a home and eventually tied the knot. Now I

spend half my time at cons carrying our numerous bags while she is off taking photographs.

From London I went on to Louisville, in Kentucky, to attend NORTHAMERICON ’79, the major USA SF con

for the year. Luckily I wrote a good report of my time in the USA from here on and I can put a few things

back in my memory in the correct sequence. At Louisville, because of ASFN, I knew that A. Bertram

Chandler was a fellow Aussie member. I made friends with fans such as Pat Potts from Texas. Enjoyed a trip

on a River boat on the Missouri River on which the Galt House hotel where the con was held was situated,

watching Peter Strauss playing the Calliope on the boat, while fans with lasers shot beams of light through the

steam. I missed out on a panel I was invited to be on, because I slept in. It was great to see GoH Fred Pohl

again after Aussiecon along with George Scithers, Lester Del Rey, Jack Chalker, Jack Williamson, Bob

Tucker, Barry Longyear and other authors of note along with our fan friend Jan Finder.

From Louisville I went to Washington. Regrettably I did not know any fans there, but I simply wanted to take

the opportunity to visit the place that figured so much in movies and TV shows I had watched over the years

and visit the Aeronautics and Space Museum in particular. It hardly stopped raining all the time I was there

but I managed to walk to the Space Museum and the Art Gallery from my hotel, both of which were mighty

impressive. I got simply drowned walking to look at the White House. I really did want to see the

Smithsonion as well, but the rain was just too much.

I went back to New York, attended a party at Andy Porter‟s apartment and met Joan Vinge there, saw the

musical show ANNIE with Cherry Weiner, did a bus tour and trip out to the Statue of Liberty and went up the

Empire State Building and went to a party with fans met at SEACON at Seth Breidbarts‟ apartment on 3rd

Avenue. I stupidly left my camera in my hotel room when I visited Andy, and it and all my SEACON photos

were stolen. The camera was insured but I could not replace the photos of course.

I flew over to the West and to Boulder, via Denver, to visit a supplier there. Our friend Dick “Ditmar” Jenssen

had been at the University of Boulder to carry on research as a meteorologist some time before. During a

brief stop in LA attending a LASFS meeting courtesy of Martin Massoglia and visiting Forry Ackerman, I

saw Bob Bloch to ask him to be GoH of a convention I was organising.

1979 ended on a sad note with the passing of Melbourne SF Club (Group) founding member, Bob McCubbin.

Bob had guided and reported the group‟s activities during the early years. My partner, well known fan and

collector Ron Graham had also passed away earlier that year. Space Age was starting to battle a bit financially

and it had not helped us losing Ron Graham. SF writing and publishing in Australia was beginning to grow,

with George Turner‟s first SF novel Beloved Son being released and Paul Collins publishing books by Bert

Chandler and a number of anthologies, while Lee Harding was also starting to make headway with his

writing. A small press begun by Bruce Gillespie, Carey Handfield and Rob Gerrand, Norstrilia Press, was

progressing and they published among other things Damien Broderick‟s Dreaming Dragons.

15

In 1980 Anne McCaffrey was GoH of the Australian Natcon SWANCON held in Perth, Western Australia. A

book signing at Space Age, when she came to Melbourne, was our most popular ever. We took her to dinner

at a leading Chinese restaurant. I had visited Perth for the first time. The con was a different in some ways and

had an innovative program. Also that year I was GoH of WELCON in Wellington, New Zealand, making my

first trip to NZ with my father. I should mention that my father had helped establish Space Age Books,

building shelving and much more. As well as being a behind the scenes helper at cons I had been involved

with. Don Tuck reported that volume three of his SF & F ENCYCLOPEDIA was well on the way.

Still in 1980, Joe and Gay Haldeman were the Guests of Honour of UNICON 6 as well as TREKCON 2, two

weeks apart. The Monash University Association, including members Daryl Mannell, Alf Katz and Gerald

Smith, were the organisers of UNICON 6 - their first con and they did a good job. We took Joe and Gay for a

country trip to the Healesville animal sanctuary and some Yarra Valley wineries. It was great to carry on my

association with them begun in the AUSSIECON ONE period, an association that has endured. Lee Harding

was awarded The Children’s Book of the Year Award for DISPLACED PERSON. Paul Collins published

books by Australian authors Jack Wodhams, David Lake and Wynne Whiteford. Bert Chandler is announced

as GoH of the CHICON 40th WORLD SF CONVENTION . Our Fan GoH for AUSSIECON, Canadian fan

Susan Wood passed away which was a very sad loss to all of fandom. The second Anti-Fan movie was

completed.

At Easter 1981 I organised a convention that been a dream of mine for some time, CINECON. Two things

have been my major interests all my life, reading and watching movies. I just had to see any SF and fantasy

movies released. Some “hard core” SF fans stated that SF&F movies should be totally disregarded as

irrelevant rubbish and real SF was only the written word. Most SF movies released in the 1950s era I admit

were junk, but some SF and fantasy such as FORBIDDEN PLANET and THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD

STILL were worthwhile. Incidentally a note in ASFN in 1982 that I picked up, said that the latter was being

remade. The remake took until 2009 - probably not the same makers - and turned out to be a disaster.

My friend Paul Stevens and I were both movie junkies as well as SF readers and we had the idea of holding a

convention to pay tribute to F&SF on the screen. So we planned a program, roped in helpers and participants

and I wrote to Bob Bloch to ask him to be GoH. I chose Bob because of his fannish connections, SF writing

and screen plays for movies and TV. He accepted and was indeed a perfect guest of honour.

The choice of films we thought was good, including Lathe of Heaven

based on Ursula LeGuin‟s novel. A request to Ursula to obtain it to

screen was answered and we were very grateful for her help. Other

guests included local movie makers including Richard Franklin, who

actually directed the second Psycho movie and who had even attended

one of the MSFC‟s movie screenings. The attendance was reasonable,

but could have been better. A talk by Bob Bloch, joined by Lee

Harding and George Turner on writing for the screen was held on the

last day. Mervyn and Robert Bloch at Cinecon 1981

Frank Herbert was the GoH of ADVENTION ’81. Looking through the issues of my Australian SF News I am

very happy I did produce it. Writing this missive would be difficult without ASFN to refer to. Reading con

reports and looking at all the photographs in that and my collection is quite an enjoyable experience.

Remembering friends and events is great. My father and I picked up Frank Herbert and his wife Beverley

from Melbourne airport after ADVENTION. We took them to lunch and had dinner with them later at John

Bangsund‟s home after a book signing at Space Age Books.

A party at Bruce Gillespie‟s home in June „81was attended by visiting fans from overseas, Joseph Nicholas

and Lee Smoire. We also saw Bruce‟s “then” six Ditmars. In July „81 we attended a conference in the capital

city Canberra titled SPECULATIVE FICTION, THE AUSTRALIAN CONTEXT, organised by National

Librarian Colin Steele for the Humanities Research Centre Australian National University. This brought

together all the Australian SF authors that I knew of at the time, to talk about their work and SF writing in

Australia to that time.

16

A more or less mini-convention occurred in conjunction due to the good attendance by fans. Melbourne held

the Natcon TSCHAICON in 1982 with Jack Vance as GoH. Justin Ackroyd, who had worked for me at Space

Age Books, was the chairman. We took Jack and Terry Dowling to a Greek restaurant at Jack‟s request. As of

my writing this after AUSSIECON 4, I realise that Jack must be our most senior author and it was a pleasure

to meet one of my all time favourite (and most colourful) authors.

Baltimore had won the World Con bid for 1983 and Melbourne‟s bid for ‟85 was under way. Consequently I

reckoned we had to show the flag at CHICON and I decided to attend the World Con in Chicago. I stopped off

in LA on the way and I met Bob Bloch and his wife Ellie and they took me to a very up-market restaurant for

dinner. Said hello to Forry Ackerman again, in his Hollywood mansion. I then buzzed off to Las Vegas,

played the pokies, saw a show at my hotel and took a plane trip over the Grand Canyon. Then off to see book

suppliers in Boulder, following an overnight stop in Denver. Our friend Dick Jenssen had also been to

Boulder to further his meteorological research at Boulder University, some year or two earlier.

The next stop was Albuquerque to attend the famous BUBONICON, where Chelsea Quinn Yarbro was GoH.

Quinn was also GoH at the Melbourne local con, CONTINUM, in 2009. I also met George R.R. Martin, who I

have kept running into over the years - at CHICON, at lunch with Charlie Brown, as GoH at a local con some

years back and standing next to him on the stage at AUSSIECON 4. Another good friend and friend of Aussie

con bids and one of my favourite all time authors, Roger Zelazny, who I was very pleased to meet again was

also there. Regrettably he passed way some time later and we never met again. Other notables in attendance

were Suzy McKee Charnas, Stephen Donaldson, Bob Vardeman and Fred Saberhagen . Fan guests were Peter

Toluzzi from Australia and Takumi Shibano from Japan. Our Eric Lindsay was also there. Panellists observed

that because of their cost, hard cover books would cease to be an option in twenty years. Well, twenty years

after 1982 we still have them but even the large paperbacks are very expensive, while electronic versions are

making inroads. (Is Fahrenheit 451 just around the corner?)

I visited New York again before going to Chicago for the World Con and I satisfied a long time dream and

saw not one but two musical shows on Broadway, CHORUS LINE and 42nd

STREET. I finally got to Chicago

for CHICON, my third World Con outside Australia and my first in the USA. (One and two had been Canada

and England.) Economically speaking I guess I should not have been there, but there I was. Our friend A.

Bertram Chandler was GoH along with Lee Hoffman. Marta Randall as Toastmaster was a highlight of the

con, the masquerade was great and the program in general was fantastic, but simply meeting people was worth

it all.

It was great to see Bert Chandler as GoH. He was living in Sydney but saw him from time to time and he was

GoH at local cons. He joined an Australian shipping line and was captaining ships carrying ore and such

between New South Wales and South Australia, Tasmania and New Zealand. He only once had some cargo to

pick up in Melbourne. His ship was moored in the Yarra River, (about opposite where AUSSIECON 4 was

held this year) and he invited Paul Stevens and me aboard for a drink and chat. After consuming half a flagon

of Tasmanian cider and a glass of port wine each and enjoying Bert‟s conversation, we staggered off home.

It was wonderful to have been awarded the A. Bertram Chandler Award by the Australian SF Foundation,

which was a fitting reminder of my association with a guy who it was a pleasure to know. I enjoyed reading

Bert‟s humorous tales and adventures but I believe his best effort was Kelly Country, which was published by

Penguin Books in 1984.

Conventions were held in Adelaide and Melbourne in 1983 and as well

as attending them I went off to SYNCON ‟83 in Sydney, at which the

GoH was Harlan Ellison.

He visited Melbourne also and I managed to get him to Space Age

Books for a book signing, which was well attended. Bob Bloch had done

an article on Harlan for me for ASFN (“a complex man, at times a

difficult one” to quote Bob). I found him very amiable. Harlan Ellison & Mervyn in 1983

In 1984 the cons kept coming. I did not make it to Brisbane late ‟83 for a media con, nor SWANCON in

Perth, WA in January ‟84, but I did make it to two in Melbourne at Easter when the Natcon, EUREKA, was

held, then KINKON in June, which was again organised by the Monash University fans. I never spoke to

17

Isaac Asimov at Torcon in ‟73, although I was with other people who did, but I share one thing with him in

that we both had triple-by-pass operations - his in ‟84, mine in ‟07.

After being GoH of Swancon 9 in Perth, WA, Harry Harrison visited us in Melbourne in March 1984,

accompanied by his wife Joan. We quickly organised a book signing at Space Age Books and a mini-con at a

hotel, to give fans a chance to meet him. Knowing his interest in trains, we took the couple on a trip on our

little steam train, „Puffing Billy’, through the near Melbourne, Dandenong ranges. Everybody had a great time.

Harry Presented Bruce Gillespie with The World Science Fiction Award at the mini-con. Ditmar winning

author Russell Hoban for his novel Ridley Walker, did a book signing for us at Space Age, after being a guest

speaker at the Adelaide Festival. Bert Chandler suffered a stroke in June 1984 and passed away on the 6th. We

had lost a good friend and he was missed. His last novel, The Wild Ones was published by Paul Collins.

Penguin were to publish four books by Lee Harding. George Turner was awarded a Ditmar for YESTERDAY’S

MEN and his autobiographical In the Heart or in the Head was published by Norstrilia Press. Damien

Broderick‟s novel Transmitters, featuring SF fans, was published by Jenny and Russell Blackford‟s Ebony

Books.

Seven science fiction and associated conventions were held in

a six-month period. Robin Johnson and Alicia Plowman were

married in July. Also in ‟84, Don Tuck was awarded a Hugo at

LA CON for his Encyclopedia of Science Fiction and Fantasy -

the first time a Hugo was presented to an Australian author or

fan.

1985 was a year of very mixed feelings for me. Space Age

Books was failing, my “tame” printer who had been printing

ASFN for me closed down, so the glossy news sheet I had

been producing was to be no more. One of my favourite

authors, Theodore Sturgeon, had died and I reported the

passing of Frank Herbert also that year. But AUSSIECON 2

was coming up in „85. Before that I went to Adelaide for

ADVENTION 5 and I was presented with a DITMAR for

Australian SF News. I had not published an issue for six

months but I produced much-abbreviated versions reporting

ADVENTION and AUSSIECON 2.

It was the last time I met my friend Jack Chalker and I realise

also Charlie Brown. It was a pleasure meeting GoH Gene

Wolfe. The costume parade was extraordinary, with Lewis

Morley and Nick Stathopoulos at their best, and unfortunately has not been matched by the later

AUSSIECONs.

Australian SF News, I feel, was my main and most ob vious contribution to SF fandom, but people have told

me that Space Age Books was also great. SPACE AGE BOOKS had been a dream come true and it sure was

fun while it lasted. Paul Stevens had deserted ship some year or less before but I was very sorry to say

goodbye to all the staff who had stuck by me. I continued to sell books by mail and attend cons selling books,

but I eventually had to give that away as it was a lot of effort with very little reward.

1985 Ditmar Award winners in Adelaide:

18

What have I done between 1985 and now?

I have continued to produce fanzines and for a while Alan

Stewart combined my Australian SF News with THYME,

which he took over from other fans. I have attended most if not

all conventions held in Melbourne and some in other states.

I did produce some issues of a different style ASFN, as books

continued to turn up from publishers for review.

Founder Race Mathews , with help from Jack Keating, cuts the

cake at MSFC 40th

anniversary in 1992, while Noel Kerr and

Merv look on.

As I said, I tried selling books by mail order but it didn‟t pay enough to live on. My father who had been a

gardener took me out mowing lawns. That brought in a few extra dollars and I continued with it when my dad

had to give it up. Doing t he garden work and looking after my

ailing father took up most of my time from then on until he died in

1996 and I was forced to leave the house we had been renting for

the past 20 years.

I had been accompanying Helena Roberts to conventions and

parties and I knew she needed more space for her books and all, so

I suggested we move in together. Well, okay, that wasn‟t the only

reason. She agreed, and a year after that, we got married.

We got a computer donated by friends and I started producing

again my original ANZAPA contribution The RUBBISH BIN(N)S, though this time not as a member of

ANZAPA. Its contents included book and film reviews, reports of trips such as visiting friends in the country

like Ian and Judy Crozier in Bright at that time, and David Russell in Warrnambool, and reminiscences like

those in this article, that we later decided to publish separately as my Memoirs. With the help of Dick Jenssen,

Helena learned how to format publications on the computer to include photos.

We attended Aussiecon 3 in 1999 where a fanzine was

published with the flattering title In Fealty to Mervyn

Binns. It was circulated in a special Anzapa mailing

timed to coincide with the Worldcon, but I believe a

few copies were left in the fan lounge to be picked up

by other fans. It was perpetrated by Bill Wright and

Dick Jenssen. In spite of unflattering aspersions on my

age (it‟s only now that I feel 1000001 years old), they

tell me I was in fine form at that convention.

Here is a picture of me at the FanHistoricon panel.

From left to right, the other panellists are:

Bill Wright, Dick Jenssen and Mervyn Barrett

19

We produced Part One of my ‘Memories’, covering the Melbourne SF Club‟s story up to 1970 and I have

written much more that has not yet been put on paper. We decided to cover the reviews and current reports in

our new personal news zine OUT OF THE BIN, which we managed to bring out monthly (more or less) for a

few years. However, two forced moves from our rented abodes, health problems, trouble with our old

computers and the costs of publishing and distributing anything limited our efforts.

Another cake cutting, this time for the 50th MSFC

anniversary in May 2002, as close as possible to the 50th

anniversary of the then MSFG‟s first formal meeting.

Race couldn‟t come to this one, but the other half of the

dynamic duo was there.

(Back in 1951, while they were still at school, Race Mathews

and Dick Jenssen were the prime instigators of it all.)

We still do an issue

of Out of the Bin every now and then, but not on a regular basis, just

to keep friends informed about how things are going for us. We did a

special one-off replica edition of Etherline (the MSFC‟s original club

zine) for the club‟s 50th Anniversary in 2002.

We put out a special issue of The RUBBISH BIN(N)S for the 40th

Anniversary of ANZAPA celebration that Bruce Gillespie and Elaine

Cochrane hosted at their Greensborough home in 2007. We were

doing an annual ‘Special Issue’ of Australian Science Fiction News,

with book and movie reviews, Convention reports and other SF news

and comments, until our last move, but have not been able to put one

out since due to the above-mentioned problems, until the one-sheet

special we did for Aussiecon 4.

Nevertheless, we persist with the writing and formatting of all of our

ongoing projects, in the hope of eventually being able to put some of

them on the Internet, possibly on e-fanzines.

We enjoy getting together with some old friends such as Dick Jenssen, Bruno and Keren Kautzner, Bruce and

Elaine Gillespie, John and Truda Straede, Bill Wright and Lee Harding , every few weeks for dinner. We

attend the MSFC meetings occasionally but it is a bit of a hike getting there from our home to the other side of

the city. We have attended most of the cons organised by MSFC members, but that is getting a bit expensive

now. We did help celebrate the Club‟s 50th anniversary and they made us and other old and/or significant

contributors to the club, life members.

2005 MSFC Life Members ceremony

Robin Johnson suggested to Tansy Rayner Roberts, the convener of THYLACON „05 in Hobart, Tasmania

that I might like to be Guest of Honour. I accepted the invitation and down we went to Tassie. We were guests

of Robin and Alicia and their great little terrier Bertie. It is not practical for us to have cats or dogs, so I love

20

to make friends with other people‟s pets. I must admit that being asked to be a con GoH was very nice and I

had filled that position once or twice in Melbourne in the „70s and I do realise that fans here do appreciate my

efforts in fandom. Cary Lenehan took us on a couple of sightseeing jaunts around Hobart, including the

Cadbury chocolate factory (a chocoholic‟s dream) and a memorable visit to the improbably named Mount

Field, with breathtaking views in a trip up the mountain, then a close encounter with Tasmanian Devils at a

wildlife sanctuary. Cascade Light became my favourite beer after a visit to the brewery.

On our last day, Robin drove us up Mount Wellington, and I have never in all my life felt so cold. He also

took us to the Botanic Gardens from which much of Gardening Australia was filmed, and showed us around

the Museum often featured on the Collectors, two familiar TV shows.

Helena and I enjoyed the trip and the con very much. We even met the Mayor of Hobart at a special reception

at the Town Hall. It was good meeting the other GoHs authors Aussie Marianne de Pierres and Ann Bishop

from the USA, and DUFF winner Joe Siclari, also from the USA.

Joe Siclari is one of the originators of the now international FanHistoricon movement. His passion for

preserving the history of SF and its fandom was shared by the late John Foyster, and I was involved in the

FanHistoricon panels at Aussiecon with him and other notables such as MSFC co-founders Race Matthews

and Dick Jenssen, and Bill Wright, whose METEOR foundation is also dedicated to the preservation of

significant fannish stuff, an enthusiasm we obviously share.

2009

There was another MSFC Life Members induction ceremony in 1999…

2009 MSFC Life Members celebration

James (Jocko) Allen [left] and Helena Binns [front row] were inducted.

Looking forward to AUSSIECON 4, we attended the MSFC backed CONTINUM 5 (August 2009). And put

in an appearance at the Chronos Awards on the first evening of CONTINUUM 6 (February 2010). Sadly we

could not attend the rest of it, but heard good reports of it. We did complete a year‟s worth of Out of the Bins

for 2009, including an 8-page special issue covering CONTINUUM 5, but we could not afford to get it printed

and posted. (However, it is available on CD „in glorious technicolour‟ to anyone who is interested).

Helena spent a lot time putting together on the computer a lot of photos that we and others took of all the

previous Australian World Cons, for display at A4. We now see that as an ongoing project, including photos

from Aussiecon 4 (contributions from other photographers welcome). We are also putting together photos of

Australian Natcons (for WA fans‟ Natcons 50th Anniversary project), and of Melbourne conventions.

Mervyn Binns at Aussiecon 4

Medications have slowed me down a lot and I have been doing very little, other than catching up reading all

the books on my shelves that I finally felt like reading. So I knew I wouldn‟t be up to driving to the train

station every morning and home again late at night, spending an hour each way getting there then walking

around the new Melbourne Convention Centre all day, for five days in succession. We put off paying the rent

for a week and booked into the Enterprize Hotel, about half a mile from where the convention would be held.

The Enterprize by the way was not named by Star Trek fans who couldn‟t spell Enterprise. It was the name of

21

the schooner that brought the original European settlers to the Melbourne area. Other fans staying at the hotel

included old friends Mervyn Barrett and Janet (Barrett) Horncey from New Zealand, Marilyn Pride and Lewis

Morley from Sydney and Yoshihiko Miyazaki from Japan.

The convention venue, The Melbourne Convention Centre is a huge structure that was a hell of a place to get

around. Walking from the fan room, the hucksters and to the row of rooms where the panels and discussions

were held and up and down by lifts or escalators to the entrance, the larger rooms and food bars, was

extremely tiring. Especially for this 76-year-old. And back and forwards to our hotel made me think that I

would not last the distance. But I enjoyed this convention as much as, or more than a lot of others I have

attended. I missed a lot of the panels and such that I would have liked to have attended, but hiking what

seemed to be a hundred kilometres from one room to another to get to the things that interested me, was just

too much.

The best part of the con, as always, was meeting people. Not only did old friends from Melbourne fandom,

who I had not seen for years, say hello, but it was great to see old friends from overseas such as Andy Porter

and Joe Siclari, though it was sad that Forry Ackerman and Charlie Brown, who have been stars in my SF fan

life for so long, were not with us any more. I missed Joe Haldeman and Gay, and Jan “The Wombat” Finder,

who could not be with us due to illness. Meeting people from overseas such as John Hertz, Claire Brialey and

Mark Plummer, Tim Marion, Murray Moore, Patricia Sims and others, though all too briefly, was wonderful.

It was great saying hello to authors Bob Silverberg and Greg Benford, and my really big thrill was talking to

my current most popular author Alastair Reynolds and getting him to sign books. Exhausting as it all was, it

was great once again being with people who share my love of reading and SF.

Robin Johnson asked me if I would be attending the HUGO ceremonies and he also told Helena to make sure

that I was there, and not too far away when he was on stage. I was a bit curious as to why it should be so

important for me to be there. Did he want me to present an award or something, surely not give me one, as I

knew I wasn‟t nominated for anything. At the awards ceremony, before the Hugo announcements

commenced, Pat Sims came on stage with Robin and spoke about the Big Heart Award, created by the world‟s

greatest SF fan and collector, Forrest J. Ackerman.

I became suspicious when Robin started talking and

introducing in a roundabout way, not initially naming but

dropping hints as he went, this year‟s recipient. After he

announced that the person in question had been the

proprietor of Melbourne‟s first science fiction bookshop

and that he and the shop had featured in the notorious

Antifan film, I exclaimed to Helena, “Bloody hell, they

are giving it to me!” Slightly in shock, I accepted the

award from Robin and Pat and mumbled my thanks.

“Why me?” I thought and I even felt later that I had to

justify it to myself. So I wrote this missive which has

made me realise that I have put a lot of my life into

science fiction and fandom and I am very grateful that

people have appreciated my efforts. It was over-

whelming to have them unexpectedly acknowledged in

such a very special way, in the form of an award created

by someone so universally loved and respected by

generations of SF fans. Several people came up to me and

congratulated me that evening and the next day, and I do

thank them.

An old customer at the con said that Space Age Books

introduced him to SF and fandom, and I received other

similar comments from people regarding the MSFC, so

what more do I need?

Thanks everybody! Merv Binns September 2010

22

Happy Christmas, Mervyn

It‟s not the kind of Christmas present one likes to receive. Whilst still enjoying the glow of having been

presented with the Forest J Ackerman Big Heart Award at Aussiecon 4, Mervyn and Helena Binns were given

notice to quit their home at Plymouth Street, Bentleigh East, by 7th January 2011.

They both have lifetime collections of SF memorabilia and, after much thought, Mervyn decided that Meteor

Incorporated, the fan-based Association that aims to acquire premises to house a science fiction institution and

research archive in Australia, should be asked to take away and store the bulk of his collection.

There was a small window of opportunity for that to be done, prior to

their move, on Monday 6th December 2010. So, at short notice, a

working group was assembled consisting of two MSFC Life Members

(Bruce Gillespie and Bill Wright, who are both board members of

Meteor Incorporated: www.meteor.org.au) and a current MSFC member

(Fiona Park, who interrupted her holidays to act as driver in transporting

the material to self-storage).

At 10:00 am Bill and Fiona met at a self-storage depot close to town

where we loaded 25 archive boxes, a carton trolley and stationery into

the depot‟s 3-ton truck. Then Fiona drove us to Mervyn and Helena‟s place where we met Bruce who had

travelled by public transport from Greensborough. It came as no surprise to Fiona to find that the gears were

clunky, the truck having been driven by a different customer each day; and she had more than her share of

trouble with the gears in heavy traffic when frequent gear shifts were needed.

At Plymouth Street, Bruce and Fiona lost no time in making

up the boxes. Then, with Mervyn pointing to items on the

shelves, Bill lifting them down, Fiona and Bruce packing and

sealing the boxes and Helena writing details of the contents

on sticky labels to be slapped on each box as it as it was

filled, we did the entire packing job in less than three hours,

filling 20 of our 25 archive boxes.

We were back at the depot half an hour earlier than we had

expected to be, which was fortunate because the boxes

couldn‟t fit into the limited amount of space in the storage

locker Meteor Inc had rented. Fiona and Bruce decided to go

home, leaving Bill to negotiate a larger storage space. That‟s

when it became interesting...

Bill Wright reports:

A ferocious thunderstorm was raging outside, so I quieted my nerves by making frequent trips between the

office counter and the lounge room opposite where I consumed vast quantities of hot coffee.

To my surprise, the area suddenly got very busy. Pallet load after pallet load of ergonomic office chairs from

one of the upper floors were piled up on the floor in untidy heaps. Curious, I stopped one of the workers to

ask, “Why is this thus?”. The answer was that most of the identical chairs (beautifully engineered thrones with

easily adjustable backs and seat height controls that cost over $1,500 each when new) were broken and it had

been decided to recycle the lot rather than get them repaired.

I asked the man to find me a good one, which he did, then loaded it on a pallet and took it up to my personal

storage bin where he waited until I made room for it. When I asked to pay, he sat on the chair, vouchsafed a

short lecture on the relative wealth of the government and the citizen and told me to forget about it. I must say

that, at the time, he made perfect sense as an armchair economist.

I spent a pleasant hour in the corridor outside my storage bin, unpacking and reviewing the contents of three

of my boxes of books in storage from the comfort of my newly-acquired ergonomic chair – an unlooked-for

enhancement to my lifestyle that is as welcome as it is unexpected.

It‟s a pity Helena Binns wasn‟t around to take a picture of it. Bill Wright

23

Space Age urban myth

On July 20, 1969, as Commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set

foot on the Moon. His first words after stepping on the Moon, “That's one small step for a man, one giant leap

for mankind,” were televised to Earth and heard by millions. But just before he re-entered the Lander, he

made the enigmatic remark, “Good luck, Mr Gorsky.”

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the “Good luck, Mr Gorsky” statement meant,

but Armstrong always just smiled. But on July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions

following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally

responded. Mr Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

In 1938 when he was a kid in a small Mid-West town, Neil Armstrong was playing baseball with a friend.

His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbour's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbours were

Mr and Mrs Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs Gorsky shouting at

Mr Gorsky, “Sex! You want sex? You’ll get sex when the kid next door walks on the Moon!”

In fact, the story is an urban myth. It persists because many people think it would be nice if it were true. Ed.

Commuting by jetpack – the only way to go in 2011

Information in this piece is from Ryan Fleming: DigitalTrends.com. Search for: Martin Jetpack.

E E Smith Ph D ushered in the era of Space Opera when his novel The Skylark of Space was serialised in

Amazing Stories commencing with the August 1928 issue. Richard Seaton‟s jet pack is more streamlined than

its modern equivalent, the Martin Jetpack pictured at right. [No, not the Martin Crane jetpack, sadly.]

Actually, science fiction isn‟t very good at predicting the future. It didn‟t, for example, envisage the modern

computer. Science Fiction‟s jetpack is something we all wished for, but it hasn‟t happened … until now.

The jetpack in question is being developed by the Martin Aircraft Company which was founded in 1998 and

operates out of New Zealand. In 2011 the company will begin sky testing the device - you can‟t call it road

testing because the point of it all is to get us off the road with its traffic snarls and road rage and into the sky

where we can soar over all that angst.

It won‟t be cheap. I remember what television sets cost when they first came out. They‟re forecast to retail for

about $100,000 each. And it‟s yet to be seen how safe the Martin Jetpack is. That said, although I‟m a bit frail

at age 74 to be buying one, it will give me a profound sense of satisfaction when they are in common use…

… if they are ever in common use. I remember when, at the turn of the Millennium, the Segway (an upright

personal transport module that climbs stairs) was marketed with much fanfare, only to be pulled off the streets

as a result of lobby pressures from police, who didn‟t want the citizenry to be more mobile than they are

Bill Wright.

24

Conventions on the horizon

SFContario, Toronto, Canada. November 19-21, 2010. Ramada Plaza Hotel in Toronto. GoHs:

Michael Swanwick, Hugo- and Nebula-award winning author of Bones of the Earth, Patrick and

Teresa Nielsen Hayden, Tor Books editors, Geri Sullivan & Karen Linsley. Attending membership

CAN$45. See http://sfcontario.ca/

SYDNEY FREECON. 19 November – 21 November. Bankstown City

Library. Sydney‟s only annual Free Entry event where a wide range of

Science Fiction and Fantasy themes and topics are discussed. The

program of each Freecon is designed to be of interest to SF&F

Readers, Viewers and Writers.

Nov 19, Friday night 5.30 pm to 8 pm,

Nov 20, Saturday 9 am to noon, 1 pm to 4 pm, and

Nov 21, Sunday 1 pm to 4 pm

NULLUS ANXIETUS 3 – THE THIRD AUSTRALIAN DISCWORLD CONVENTION

featuring Terry Pratchett. 8–10 April, 2011. Venue: Panthers World of

Entertainment, Mulgoa Road, Penrith NSW. An excellent long weekend filled with

fun, entertaining performances, fun, interesting discussions and wonderful people

(and more fun). Warning: May contain Terry Pratchett. http://ausdwcon.org/

SWANCON Thirty Six | NATCON Fifty. 21-25 April, 2011.

Hyatt Regency Hotel, Adelaide Tce, Perth, WA. Swancon Thirty

Six | Natcon Fifty is all about fandom, and the fans. We‟re

holding a party in your honour – all you have to do is show up

and have fun. http://2011.swancon.com.au/.

CONTINUUM 7 will be held 10-13 June, 2011.

International Guest of Honour is SF author Richard Morgan

(Glasgow). Australian Guest of Honour is Dave Freer, co-author

with Eric Flint of the Rats, Bats and Vats series and other stories

published by Baen Books. Memberships are available from the

Continuum Foundation website: http://www.continuum.org.au/.

RENOVATION is the Worldcon in Reno, Nevada, USA August 17-21, 2011. GoH's:

Tim Powers, Ellen Asher, fantasy artist Boris Vallejo/ Venue: Reno-Sparks

Convention Centre & The Atlantis Hotel main venues. Australian Agent: Jean Weber.

For more details see http://renovationsf.org/.

CONFLUX 7. Friday 30 September to Monday 3 October 2011. Marque Hotel, 102 Northbourne

Avenue, Canberra, ACT. See Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conflux_%28convention%29

for details of the six Conflux conventions held in Canberra since 2004, plus an outline of Conflux 7

planned for September-October 2011.

25

Clerihew corner

by Dennis Callegari

Clerihews were the invention of Edmund Clerihew Bentley (1875-1956). During his

lifetime, Bentley published several volumes of clerihews, where each verse was

accompanied by a drawing that illustrated the verse. They are humorous biographical

four-line verses about a contemporary or historical figure, where the rhyming scheme

is AABB and the name of the figure must form part of the first rhyme.

A selection of my best clerihews with historical asides and apposite quotations may

be found on the website http://clerihews.wordpress.com/. The following examples

were penned in 2006 when the flames of inspiration were running hot.

------------------------------------

The comedienne of manners is, unquestionably, Jane Austin. She died on 17th July 1817.

If Jane Austen Went to Boston Would some Bostonian smarty Organize a big tea party?

-------------------------------------

Aurore Dupin (better known as George Sand in July 1804) was a novelist and early feminist. She is best

known these days for her affair with composer Frédéric Chopin, although romances with others (including

Liszt and de Musset) are also rumoured.

George Sand (born Aurore Dupin) Smoked cigars and dressed like a man. She'd often invite musicians to drop in

But she was just window-Chopin.

-------------------------------------

I've always wanted to rhyme something with "firkin". Having recently stumbled across the name of chemist

William Henry Perkin, I now have the opportunity.

Sir William Henry Perkin Made dyestuffs by the firkin; To him, fame and fortune were anodyne But his colours were only aniline.

-------------------------------------

Georgia O‟Keefe was an American artist (1887-1986) who specialized in still-life. She is chiefly known for

paintings containing representations of flowers, rocks, shells, animal bones and landscapes. Her paintings

present crisply contoured forms that are replete with subtle tonal transitions of varying colours, and she often

transformed her subject matter into powerful abstract images.

The following clerihew is based on what is, apparently, a genuine quote from O'Keeffe:

At the end of each day, Georgia O'Keeffe

Put her palette and paintbrush down with relief. Though her subject was flowers, they sure weren't her groove -- But they're cheaper than models and they don't often move.

The quote in question is:

“I hate flowers - I paint them because they're cheaper than models and they don't move.”

Dennis Callegari

26

Stefan zone

On December 2nd

, 2010, Stefan and his employer said their goodbyes and went their separate ways after eight

years. For now, he‟s rejoicing at not doing any more unpaid work. When it sinks in that he won‟t be doing any

paid work either, the editor believes he‟ll look for another job.

Meanwhile, inquisitive readers of IRS can look forward to a bonanza as Stefan channels his creative energy

into writing articles for us. But not this time. Separating oneself from a silly boss takes its toll. Ed.

ж

THE INJURED PELICAN / DRUNKEN SKUNK

(from a few months ago)

I was wandering home from the train station last

night in the rain. It was pretty gloomy and the lack

of street lights around didn't help. About half way

home, I notice a car pull over by the side of the

road a half-block up from me and a woman gets

out. She wanders over to a vacant block where

they have a sign up stating what houses are going

to be built there. I took her for a house hunter, but

then she crouches over and calls out "Hello".

Hmm, I figure, another person who talks to signs.

Better keep to the other footpath.

As I got closer, I heard, "Are you OK ?". I glance

over in the gloom and see what looks to be a

Pelican huddled on the other footpath near the

sign. 'What on earth is this lady talking to a

Pelican ?', I ask myself. Not that I'd answer

myself, because that would be weird, but rhetorical

questions are now part of my life so I just have to

get used to them.

Now I have to point out that the reason I took it to

be a Pelican is that the weekend before I'd seen a

Pelican flying very low over our house, being

chased by some magpies. Maybe it's the same

Pelican and this woman is someone who talks to

the animals (or is away with the birds ??).

Next she says, "Do you want an ambulance?".

This makes me change direction and wander over

to see what was going on. I want to be on hand

when she calls triple zero and reports an Injured

Pelican. No wonder there are no ambulances

when you need them.

Then I see it's a bloke, not a Pelican, lying on the

footpath. He's muttering something in a foreign

language and clutching his knee. I took him to be

a soccer player, as they're normally seen rolling

around on the ground, clutching at a knee so as to

get a free kick.

I call triple zero (about my 10th call in 10 years)

and one of the questions they ask is how old is the

bloke. Now this bloke is of a foreign nationality

where his age could be anywhere between 20 and

80. I settle on forty-ish (give 40 or take 20 years).

After playing the 20-question game - "Yes, he is

breathing", "Well, he's not saying anything that

we can understand - English seems to be his

second (or third) language", "I can’t see any

injury but he is clutching his knee" - an ambulance

is soon despatched.

While waiting for the ambulance, we couldn't get

anything out of the bloke (his pockets were empty)

but he keeps clutching his knee and peering up at

us from the corners of his eyes as if to see whether

we believe his Free Kick act. He'd also lost a

thong somewhere along his travels. Another bloke

in a car stops and drags out a tarpaulin from the

back of his car to put over the bloke on the ground

to stop him from getting wet any further while the

three 'animal rescuers' stand around under

inadequate umbrellas getting wet. Now, how

many people do you know drive around with a

tarpaulin in the back of their vehicle?

Yes - Another nerd.

Eventually the ambulance arrives and by this time

the rain is pelting down and we're all getting

soaked. The ambulance officers run over (I think

they were the same ones that came and saw Mum

in August) and start a one-sided conversation with

the bloke. Like Lazarus, this bloke then gets up

and, unlike Lazarus, starts shuffling over to the

Ambulance. Talk about bunging on an act ! There

didn't seem to be anything wrong with his knee

now the ambulance has arrived. The ambulance

crew tell us they can smell a fair amount of alcohol

on him. Great ! Just our luck. Instead of

rescuing an injured Pelican, all we end up saving is

another Drunken Skunk!

The three nerd-a-teers help pack up the tarpaulin

and go our separate ways, happy in the knowledge

that our nerdiness has one again saved the day.

For even if it was only a Drunken Skunk this time,

it could well be an Injured Pelican the next time.

STEFAN SURGERY (NOT FOR PROFIT)

Hot on the heels of the very successful lap-band

surgery being performed on those suffering from

'E-X-P-A-N-S-I-O-N' problems, Stefan Surgery is

proud to offer the latest in medical advancement -

'lip-band' (TM) surgery.

Lip-band (TM) surgery works in a similar way to

lap-band surgery except the 5-hour, $5,000

operation involves putting a rubber band around

the lips of the patient. (Mick Jagger lips = 50-hour,

$50,000 operation). Why so costly, I hear your

mind mutter? Well, a packet of rubber bands costs

at least $2 for 100 or so, then there is that issue of

margin calls on our shares that we need to pay for,

along with the upkeep of our mansions, fleets of

luxury cars, trophy wives, etc, etc. In fact, I don't

know how we keep our prices so low!

Lip-band (TM) surgery can work wonders for

those who constantly talk about themselves. It is

guaranteed to reduce the constant verbal flood to a

trickle. Hundreds of husbands have already

booked in their nagging wives while even the

Mafia have booked in some squealers to stop them

talking in a humane way. Want a sure-fire way of

stopping your boss from turning a ten minute

meeting into a twenty-hour talkfest? Book him in

today for some lip-band (TM) surgery.

Here at Stefan Surgery, we pride ourselves on our

green credentials. The rubber bands we use are

bio-degradable so they will break down in about

1,000 years time. They're also environmentally

friendly, as we paint them green with this toxic

tonic paint. We also ask our doctors to consider

wearing a green smock when performing the

surgery, but this is purely voluntary.

Why not book in with a friend? We have a

special 2-for-1 offer at the moment. You pay twice

as much and we only perform one surgery.

Remember the old World War 2 saying –

“Loose lips sink ships”? Well, rest assured ships

of the world. Stefan Surgery can stop loose lips

with lip-band (TM) surgery.

The best thing about my new organisation is that

it's a Not-for-Profit company. That's right! We

only deal in off-the-books cash transactions.

Nothing at all goes into our books against Profit.

Stefan

Stefan Zone Exit

- - Ж - -

Prepared in Melbourne for publication in Anzapa #258 December 2010

and for display on eFanzines: http://www.efanzines.com