Nonviolent Communication

E. Melanie DuPuisSociology 168 Social Justice

April 13th, 2007Presented by:

Aviva and Rick Longinotti

Learning Outcomesfor Today

• Students will understand aspects of the cultural and political history behind the current social movement to change our communication style from antagonistic to connecting

• Students will get a sense of the paradigm shift from blame, shame and moralistic judgments to a belief that it is possible in our world to meet everyone’s needs for peace and social justice because of our inherent human desire for giving and receiving from the heart.

• Students will understand the steps of NVC by: observing at least one full role-play on the model using a social change theme and by our teaching the steps.

Today’s Method:Nonviolent Communication

• Nonviolent Communication is a philosophy and a communication tool. NVC guides us to reframe how we express ourselves, how we hear others and resolve conflicts by focusing our consciousness on what we are observing, feeling, valuing and requesting.

• It also guides us to reframe how we see others. Do we have an enemy image of the other person or group? Do we think they are morally deficient? NVC helps us to see that we all have the same human values, but that our strategies for living by those values can be very different, sometimes even tragic, e.g. war.

Key Concepts of NVC

• Universality of human needs/values• Our feelings point to needs met or unmet• All actions are attempts to meet those needs• Compassion for self and others• We possess the desire for natural giving• There is enough in our world, materially and

emotionally, for everyone’s needs to be met.

Comparison to Other Approaches• The three main areas that NVC appears to differ from other approaches

are:• Empathetic Listening vs. Active Listening

Most other models seem to use the active listening/reflective feedback as opposed to the guessing of feelings and needs, which is step 2 and 3 in NVC

• Needs Based Connection vs. Strategy AgreementIn NVC we assume that our basic needs are the same and equal and that with enough empathetic connection we can understand each other and truly want to meet the other person’s needs because we will be in touch with our inherent human need to contribute to the other person’s wellbeing.

• Meeting both people needs without compromising:We can meet our own and the other person’s needs without compromising anything. We may choose to change our need in order to meet our greater need to contribute to the other’s wellbeing. But compromising leads to each party being disappointed or resentful.

In what situations is NVC most useful and in which is it less useful.

• Most useful:When dialoguing with people who are willing to listen and talk and who have hope for resolution

• Less Useful:When we do not have direct contact with the “other side”, such as governments and corporations. Then we may choose to employ other strategies such as Gandhi’s use of boycotts and the divestment movement in South Africa.

Overview of Today’s Presentation

• Demonstrate a role-play using NVC (15 min)• Explain the steps that were used in the role-

play (15 min)• Demonstrate another role-play, this time

stopping to discuss each step (20min)• Discuss the philosophy and political concepts

of NVC (15)• Have students participate in role-plays with a

subject chosen by the students (25)

Introductory example

Two people talking:Annie:

Bush is evil, he has no heart, he has made things worse.

Peter:Actually, I think he is doing what needs to be done to deal with the terrorists.

Annie: Internal Dialogue ( judgmental thinking sheds light on needs and self empathy)“How can this person think like that? Are they clueless?

Intro example continued

Annie: (still internal dialogue)When I think this, I feel angry and sad and hopeless. I

am needing my world to be a safe place for all humans, I am wanting my government not to wage war in my name because I do not support the use of war. I wish other Americans felt the same way I do.Sounds like this person is worried about another terrorist attack…. I am too._

_____________________________________Empathetic listening:Annie says to Peter

“Are you feeling concerned about terrorism because you are wanting a safe world for your children?”

Example continuedPeter says to Annie:Yes, that’s what I want and the terrorists are ruining it.(connection is made, dialogue will continue)

NVC Expressing:Observation:Annie says: When I hear that Bush wants to increase the amount of

soldiers and continue the war in Iraq….Feeling:I feel angry and sad because…..

Intro example continued

Needs/ValuesI am also needing a safe world for my children and the Iraqi children to live. And I want to live in a country that does not spend my tax dollars to kill others.

Request: two choices1) It would help me trust that I communicated

effectively if you would say back to me what you heard me say just now.

Or…

Intro example

Request continued:Would you be interested in hearing my ideas of how we could both feel that our children will be safe?

Basic Components: Step by Step

Internal dialogue:Self EmpathyWhat are my judgmental thoughts about the other person and about myself?What am I feeling and what am I needing/ valuing?

Listening empathetically to the other person:are you feeling ______________ ?because you needing/value?______________?

Steps

Expressing yourself:• Observation: saying what happened without

judgment or opinion

• Feeling/Value: stating your feeling, not your thinking

• Needs: a universal human need

• Request: making a doable present request without demand

Sub Components• Self Empathy: This step is crucial before

speaking. If we are holding any enemy images of the other

person, our conversation will not be compassionate.Example: “Bush is evil”; “Peter is ignorant.”

If we are devaluing ourselves, we will not stay connected to the other person.

Example: “I’m being naïve about the terrorist threat”

Sub ComponentsEmpathetic Listening

Guessing at the other person’s feelings and values: We do not need to guess correctly because most of the time the other person feels our intention to connect with them and guessing will help them express their feelings and needs. Guessing also lets the other person know that we do not assume that we understand them without first really listening to them.

• Example: are you concerned about terrorism because you are wanting a safe country for your children ?

Sub Components

Expressing in NVCObservation:

This is a statement of fact, what happened, such as a video camera would record….no judgments, no opinions.

“When I hear Bush wants to increase the number of soldiers….”

Not:“Bush is evil. He is escalating the war.”

Sub Component

• Feelings: After stating the observation, we state the feeling that was triggered in us. We stick with actual feeling rather than thoughts that analyze and judge. And we take responsibility for our emotional reaction rather than blaming someone else.

• Example: I feel angry and very sad because……

• Needs: State the human need that is beneath the feeling. Needs are universal, and so they can be understood by others

• Example: I am also wanting/needing a safe place for my children and the Iraqi children to live……

Sub Component

• Request: State the request for something that is possible for the listener to do here and now—and what you want, not what you don’t want. A request is different from a demand in that if the request fails to elicit the desired response, we don’t impose a consequence (e.g. act hurt, irritated, etc)

• Example: It would help me know that I’m understood if you would be willing to say back to me what you heard me say.

Interactive Exercises

• Student Chosen Role-plays using the model, step by step

• Political conflict• Conflict within activist groups• Conflict between groups

Key Review Points

• Awareness of our Judgments (of self or others)

• Self Empathy (what are my needs)• Empathetic Listening (what are their needs)• Expressing with intention to connect• Requesting a do-able action of ourselves or others

Student Reflection of Class

• Ask the students to say what particular new idea they heard or an old idea with a new perspective

• What would they like to have understood better.

Resources

• NVCSC: nvcsantacruz.org• CNVC: cnvc.org (international org)• UCSC and NVC ( Laurie McCann)• Videos: Public Library• Books: on line at cnvc.org